The Tough Guide to Harry Potter

D

Danger is something you will almost continuously face while in HPFH. Don’t be alarmed, as all tourists eventually become acclimated to the near constant peril and worry. But see also death.

Death will be an issue for virtually every visitor to HPFH. This should not surprise you, as the general state of danger prepares you for a few mishaps. The OFTs on death are untimely, tragic, or noble. These do not apply to death eaters or generally evil people. Their deaths are bitterly necessary, unsatisfactory, or just. Tourists, who are not the unremarkable friends of remarkable people, will not have to fear death. But lots of people around you will die in various ways, so be prepared to cry and possibly also throw up. Do not worry; your more bitterly experienced friends will not think the less of you. Be warned that the death of a friend is also an excuse to avoid the wizarding world for 5 to 10 years. See Tragedy, Ron Weasley, Percy Weasley, Colin Creevey, Cho Chang, childhoods, Harry Potter, exile and Dumbledore

Death Eaters will generally be cluttering up the scenery when Voldemort has kidnapped you. They will not do much else other than stand around. But they will try to hinder your escape. This should not really fret any reasonably nimble tourist, as the robes they wear seem to restrict their movement. The only other time you will see them is at Lucius Malfoy’s parties/orgies where they will also provide suitable scenery by torturing and raping helpless muggles while Mr. Malfoy threatens you. Tourists are not generally in any danger from them though, so you need not fear anything except psychological trauma. See Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy, and Peter Pettigrew

Defense Against Dark Arts provides a cure for Female Characters, Lack thereof. Despite its important sounding name, it seems to have no other purpose. Except maybe that it also gives tour guides a way to reintroduce Remus Lupin back into HPFH. (Note from Gwena: Woo hoo!) See Severus Snape/Original Character

Dementors exist chiefly to torment Sirius Black. But they are also good at failing as guards in Azkaban.

Detention should be on the list of any tourist who wants to fall in love with an unlikely person. Rule-following tourists need not be concerned as the cause of the detention will generally be unjust. If you get sent to the Forbidden Forest though, you would be well advised to prepare for several days of wilderness living, as you and your future love will almost certainly be separated from Filch and become lost and/or trapped in a blizzard. In the dungeons however, if you are not serving your detention alone with Severus Snape, there will be a cave-in, so remember to duck and cover. See kissing, Draco/Hermione, Snape/Hermione, Snape/Original Character

Doom seems somewhat more solid in HPFH than in our world. Thus we have it weighing him/her down, or driving him/ her onward to an unknown fate. Despite the language, tourists worry pointlessly as nobody’s doom ever happens as expected. This is almost always true of doomed romances.

Draco Malfoy will be hanging out in almost any region that a tourist can visit. Whether he is standing around offensively, throwing insults at your friends and plotting your kidnapping/rape or slowly having his soul destroyed by his sadistic father, no tour is complete without him. His physical OFT’s are drawling/lazy/amused/cold voice, mercury/icy/cloudy/silver/lavender eyes, and tranluscent/alabastor/snow-touched skin. His actual personality is more difficult to pin down. To simplify the situation we have decided to split him into three groups:

GOOD DRACO: The average Good Draco has had a difficult life. It will not get easier any time soon. His father’s will almost always be demanding he become a death eater to keep up the family honor, but his problems will not stop there. He will be doing amazingly well in school but never well enough to meet the exacting standards of the abusive Lucius Malfoy. He will be helplessly trying to escape his doom and may also cry a lot in secret. His insulting behavior in the past was all a front to hide his secret agony. When he finally escapes from the clutches of evil he will be an extremely helpful ally and a wonderful boyfriend. It is vital that tourists booked on a tour with a Good Draco be aware that he often will think he is evil (you may think of this form of Good Draco as a sort of Pretending to be Evil Draco). But, thankfully, he will be wrong. In this case, the love of a good woman will set him straight. She is in for a rough time though because he will fight this passion and often behave like a complete rotter towards her for a VERY long time. Luckily, as she hasn’t earned the title of being a good woman for nothing, she will have the virtue of patience. If you are her friend, rally round. See Draco/Ginny, Draco/Hermione, Narcissa Malfoy, and childhoods

SORT OF GOOD DRACO is almost always a death eater. He likes his job. He thinks those on the side of light are a silly bunch of people. He hates Harry Potter but in an I-distantly-despise-you kind of way. Male tourists will have very little to do with Sort of Good Draco as his Sort of Goodness generally only shows itself in his love life. The only contact they can hope for is through a female friend who is unwillingly drawn to the pale, cold boy. Female tourists who have not adequately prepared themselves to be sort of raped in a corridor or bathroom should avoid Sort of Good Draco. Your relationship will often begin in this fashion. He will feel vaguely guilty afterward, but, unlike the case of a Good Draco, this will not inspire him to change his ways and join Dumbledore. It will only inspire you to enter into a rather twisted romance. But Sort of Good Draco is a skilled lover so there will be some compensations. See Draco/Hermione, Draco/Ginny

EVIL DRACO is pretty darn evil and tours that feature him can become rather upsetting, so sensitive tourists beware. He is guilty of or planning on being guilty of every crime possibly considered by a fevered imagination. Tourists should NEVER underestimate the depravity of an Evil Draco. Thus it is extremely important not to mistake him for a Pretending to be Evil Draco or a Sort of Good Draco. Fortunately we can offer some advice here, in that if you have spent awhile in a region and have not gazed into his eyes involuntarily or had a female companion do so, he is almost certainly Evil and should be observed. He will be plotting something really ghastly too, so prepare yourself for some sort of deep trauma and about 10 years of nightmares. See torture, death eaters, rape, Narcissa Malfoy, and pregnancy

Draco/Ginny (with a special thanks to bluemeanies who acted as our consultant) is a relationship best frequented by the tourist who wants a gentler time since it generally involves a Good Draco (see Draco Malfoy). Though sometimes he is a Pretending to be Evil Draco. But this should only provide a little excitement. Here Draco will behave rather poorly in the beginning. He will mock Ginny’s hair, looks, and lack of wealth. But he will swiftly find her to be either fiery or sweetlyshy instead and have to desist. Unfortunately for Draco, he will not only have to eat his words, but also be disowned by his father who will be outraged and disgusted. But as Lucius Malfoy will have generally been awful to begin with we really can’t see this as such a bad thing. Tourists fond of Draco may even be relieved. Ginny’s brothers will be outraged. They will be cruel for what they perceive as Ginny’s own good. Her friends and older brothers will remain tolerant however (We can only assume it is because they have never actually met Draco). Draco will not be on good terms with Ron until he has proved himself by fighting death eaters and possibly saving Ron’s life. This may seem a bit unfair to Draco, but that is the trail your tour guides have set and who are we to argue?

Draco/Hermione relationships cover all types of Dracos so they can range drastically. Hermione herself will remain pretty steady throughout. They will fall in love in one of three ways: See Chocolate

HEAD BOY/HEAD GIRL: Here you will generally find a Good Draco (see Draco Malfoy). They become head boy and girl, have to share a study room, and discover that neither is as awful as the other thought. Hermione will discover that Draco’s childhood was terrible and be delighted to learn that he doesn’t want to be a death eater. Draco will find out that Hermione has more than just brains, though he will love that side of her. They will both have a mutual interest in some form of study, probably arithmancy. A teacher may also assign them a special project, forcing further intimacy and a sense of mutual respect. Tourists who are friends with Hermionemay be sorry when she stops seeing them regularly so she can work on the project. But, as Harry and Ron invariably abandon her when she is found in a compromising position, it may be advisable to be around to help Ginny or Lavender and Parvati listen when Hermione confesses her confusion over Draco. As her friend, it might be a good idea to know ahead of time that Draco/Hermione of this variety has an annoying off-again on-again quality. Cultivate a sense of humor about the whole thing. Note: The romance may also cause an interhouse war so the hexes and dinners will be flying. We advise hiding under a table. Note2: Lucius Malfoy shows a distressing tendency to fly off the handle and kidnap Hermione or Draco. You will not be kidnapped but you will have to help them through the trauma after they are recovered. In HPFH that is what friends are for. See Pansy Parkinson

DRACO AS STALKER: This covers Dracos of all varieties (see Draco Malfoy). In this case, Draco has loved/lusted after Hermione from afar for a frighteningly long period of time. He watches her constantly and sneers at the friends that she fawns all over. Hermione may be in for a hard time here because the darker forms of Draco may be planning on raping her. This may also result in pregnancy. Even if Draco is nice, she will probably have to suffer a bit since the only way Draco can reveal this niceness is to comfort her after she has started crying. This will probably be because her parents have died. But it also happens when her friends have deserted her. Tourists may tend to become irritated with Ron and Harry at this time since tour guides have decided that they are rather insensitive and neglectful friends.

HERMIONE AS KIDNAPPED VICTIM: This romance will luckily involve an older Hermione. This is fortunate, as the tour will be harrowing. It begins with a violent kidnapping and/or rape. Draco will be impressed by her odd fragility. He will decide to claim her as his own and thus protect her from the evils of his world. These evils will abound as Voldemort has won and Harry and Ron are either dead or wishing they were. This will serve to reinforce the Evil Draco who will never change. Hermione will have to accustom herself to the situation. Tourist can see that these regions are not for the faint of heart. See Narcissa Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy

 

Dreams are controlled by your tour guides during your trip so you can expect them to be much more significant than they normally are at home. Tourists can expect obliviated memories, prophecies, and love to be revealed through dreams. Pay attention (you may even want to take notes when you wake up) and try not to be bitter that your much-needed sleep is being taken up with this. Consider it one of the prices of travel.

Dresses are called robes in HPFH. They are also loose but clingy. We have no idea how this effect is achieved. Sorry.

Dueling is practiced by students so adult tourists can safely ignore it, unless of course they are called upon to intervene. It seems to have gone somewhat out of fashion as the Marauders duel more often then the Potternians of more current regions. But see also Ron Weasley.

Dumbledore, Albus is a man of great nobility. This should surprise no one, but in HPFH it has even vaster meaning. He leads the fight against Voldemort but will have to die in order for a full defeat to be realized. This will luckily provide tragedy and also inspiration to the other Potterians. He also heroically directs those incredibly tedious conferences with dignity and forbearance. Tourists would think that these occupations (along with the running of a school as complex as Hogwarts) would keep even so remarkable a man as Dumbledore busy. This is not so however, since he still finds the time and energy to act as a matchmaker for lonely students and teachers alike. Straight-laced tourists may be alarmed by his rather lax attitude toward student/teacher romances, though. We will try to believe that he has his reasons. See Female Characters Lack thereof, Severus Snape/Everyone, and Order of the Phoenix

Dungeons are rarely used as dungeons. They set the scene for a really good detention. They are also the home away from home for Severus Snape and the sight of most of his sex scenes. This is rather courageous considering the general dampness, dinginess, and chillingness of this erotic locale. It is certainly a credit to his ummm... perseverance. See Severus Snape/Everyone

Durmstrang exchange/transfer students should be regarded with a little hesitance by wary tourists. They will probably be placed in Slytherin and thus almost definitely are fleeing danger or guilt. Their accents, being less light-hearted than the insouciant variety found at Beauxbatons, are a sign of their internal struggle. Severus Snape’s Defence Against the Dark Arts companions are often mysterious and intriguing alumnae of Durmstrang. See Female Characters, Lack thereof