The Tough Guide to Harry Potter

 
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Cameras are rare. Despite the proliferation of wizardly pictures, the only person owning a camera appears to be Colin Creevey. But surely, given the workload of the average student, he can’t be responsible for ALL of the photos, can he?
 
Catatonic States are an alarmingly common symptom of injury in HPFH. They are also apparently an unfortunate side effect of defeating Lord Voldemort. Perhaps magical medicine has managed to cure everything else. Luckily, true love does conquer all in this case and the heretofore-incurable malady will be vanquished. Tourists will also be relieved to know however, that only certain canon characters revert to catatonia. While you will experience worry for your silent friend, you will be in no real danger. See Harry Potter and Hermione Granger
 
Charlie Weasley is a man’s man. He is jolly and dashing but never really has a serious girlfriend. He is married to his dragons and only a woman of similar dedication stands a chance at ensnaring him. He will be so full of down to earth advice you will want to smack him. He is Ron’s favorite brother.
 
Childhoods, if they are mentioned at all, are significant. The OFT’s are neglected, misunderstood, unappreciated, or tortured. Tourists may be sorry to hear that, if you are over 30, your parents are dead. Childhoods are specific to character:
 
Hermione Granger will have excellent but dead parents or close-minded withdrawn ones. The latter kind are fearful of magic. Her mother in this case will be obsessed with appearances. She is an old fashioned woman and will want Hermione to fulfill her ideal of womanhood. Hermione, being the modern witch she is, will not want to.
 
Severus Snape had parents of great intelligence but who had little interest in him. They were slightly evil. They were neglectful but not much else. They did, however, endow him with a wonderful classical education. This will be valuable when you need to translate a vital and ancient scroll. Tourists curious about Snape’s childhood will be delighted to hear that, although he is reluctant to speak of his youth, he will always eventually do so.
 
Draco Malfoy’s childhood depends largely on his future morals. The evil Draco will have had a childhood free from care and filled with gifts. If you encounter an abused Draco, begin making friends as soon as is possible. Here his experiences have been horrific. The OFTs are taint of his father, whipped, raped, and keeping up an appearance of evil. He will have gotten good at the latter so you will have to practice forbearance for a while. Nevertheless, once he has changed sides and/or fallen in love he will be a loyal ally, so be persistent. He will also possess a classical education. See Draco/Hermione, Lucius Malfoy, and bathroom
 
Remus Lupin had parents of incredible understanding and tolerance; sacrificing everything to help their beloved son and ease his torment. Alternatively, they barely believed he was human and treated him like the monster he secretly believes he is.
 
Cho Chang is disliked by tour guides. Her personality is vengeful and accusing. She blames Harry for Cedric’s death. Cho is temporarily popular among the male set but all the females, who see through her glory-seeking wiles, hate her. Tourists well grounded in canon may be surprised to know that she is in Harry’s year. Perhaps she was held back?
 
Chocolate can be used as something of a cure-all. Its properties seem to be an exaggeration of those it exhibits in our own world. Tourists should keep a bar on hand for emergencies. Note: It is also a color. See Hermione Granger (A/N Yes Rugi and Gwena are female.)
 
Colin Creevey only exists to take pictures and provide tragedy by his death. If he survives, he will become a news reporter. See cameras
 
Common rooms have unusual acoustics. Conversations about Voldemort or death eaters are always overheard. However, those of a romantic nature can be held without fear of eavesdropping. They are also apparently oddly shaped as they exhibit far too many corners (for the purposes of kissing) to be a simple square or rectangular room. But then tourists know that several deranged architects designed Hogwarts. See privacy
 
Conferences are boring. However, tour guides have decided they are also necessary. If you are an adult and/or a muggle, you will be forced to sit through one of these interminable things. This will give muggle tourists an opportunity to marvel at and meet the many strange personalities that people HPFH. But you are advised to bring a book as they tend to take awhile. See Alastor Moody, Dumbledore
 
Corridors are dangerous places fraught with plot opportunities. If you are hurrying down one, you will be plowed over by either Snape or your future/current reluctant love interest. So brace yourself. Modest tourists should not agree to kiss here, even at 3 AM, because you will always be caught. Beware: corridors are also common sites for attack. See Rape, Draco/Hermione, Snape/Hermione, Snape/OC, Filch, Argus
 
Crookshanks is, interestingly enough, the only intelligent animal that is not an animagus in disguise.
 
Crucio is used by death eaters who are so evil they want to skip preliminary torture. They also use it on each other. One begins to wonder why anyone would want to join Voldemort as it seems to involve a lot of suffering with little point. Snape will suffer this curse many times in the course of the tour. The only death eater who does not use this curse is the youthful or spying Severus Snape who will be secretly sickened.
 
Cures to many conditions have been sought in vain for hundreds of years. However, sufferers of incurable maladies or curses will be relieved to note that as soon as Hermione Granger or Severus Snape decide to take up the quest, a cure will be found in short order. These cures will generally take the form of a potion, especially if Hermione is working on it. See catatonic state, maladies incurable, Snape/Hermione, love