Harry Potter and the Battle of the Sexes

Ending #1 (ithinkineedanewname)

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!"

Professor McGonagal stormed into the Great Hall, her usual scowl replaced by one even more hideous and frightening. "Professor Snape has just--err--informed me that a group of students have been making a rather large amount of Truth Serum. It is, of course, against the rules for any student to use a Truth Serum on any of their fellow students. Now, we teachers have pretended to ignore this little....contest between boys and girls, and I insist that it ends immediately."

At this point, Professor McGonagal whipped out her wand and struck a pose. "BOYS! SURRENDER NOW!"

Professor Snape ran into the room, shedding what looked like ropes, chains, and a gag as he stormed in and cried, "NEVER, SHE-BITCH!" With this he pulled his own wand from its hidden pocket in his robes and aimed it at the older woman. "EXPELLIARMUS!"

"FINITE INCANTATEM! Who do you think I am, Gilderoy Lockhart? I'm not falling for your stupid little Expelliarmus! DENSAUGEO!"

Professor Snape eeped and somersaulted away from the spell he knew would give him large teeth. Harry saw Hermione wince-- Malfoy had cast the same spell on her in fourth year, albeit on accident. Seething, the greasy-haired Potions professor jumped up and wrote "MINERVA WEARS LEATHER THONGS" in the air with his wand and stuck his tongue out at her.

McGonagal wrote "BECAUSE SEVERUS ASKS HER TO" underneath. As Snape retched she took the opportunity to shriek "TARANTALLEGRA!"

The students watched in amazement as Snape danced around the room crying, "I'm BLIND! BLIIIIIIND!"

It was at this point that Dumbledore stood and bellowed, "FINITE INCANTATEM!" The fiery words dissipated from the air and Snape tumbled over on the floor, twitching.

There was a moment of silence before Dumbledore said, "I think it's time to call a truce."

The End

* * *

Ending #2 (Sirius Lee Black) Hermione lifted her goblet to drink, staring at Harry the whole while. Harry was certain that she'd notice how his fists were clenched next to him, or worse, that she'd taste something in her pumpkin juice, but she didn't. She finished drinking and set down the goblet. Suddenly, red sparks came flying from the Slytherin table-- the signal from Draco that it was time to ask the question. Taking a deep breath, Harry heard himself-- and nearly every male voice in Hogwarts --ask the dreaded question: "What is your deepest, darkest secret?"

Hermione's eyes widened as she realized what was going on and the words that changed Harry's life poured out of her mouth.

"I'm in love with you--SHIT!" Her hand clapped over her mouth at this point. Harry's eyes were about the size of saucers as the implications of her statement washed over him. When he regained control of himself, he looked around to see if anyone else had heard her. Fortunately, the other girls were all looking similarly appalled and horrified. Guilt flushed through Harry-- who thought up this stupid idea, anyway?

He was yanked out of his reverie by a hand on his shoulder. It was Draco. "C'mon, Potter. Give her our conditions. Jesus, you're white as a ghost-- what'd she tell you?"

Harry shook himself and stood, face still red with embarassment. "Er...right then...Hermione, if you girls don't surrender and end this war, we're going to post all of your secrets. Each boy knows one girl's secret, and we'll compile them and pass around a list of them all."

Hermione gaped at Harry for a second before noticing Draco, at which point her brows rose, as if she'd figured something out. She glanced past Harry-- probably at Pansy, who was her second in command --and nodded. Each girl took out her wand and--

"OBLIVIATE!"

Harry came to himself at the table in the Great Hall, confused. "Harry?" He heard a voice tentatively call. It was Hermione.

"Sorry, what?" Harry couldn't for the life of him figure out why Hermione looked so satisfied as she told him that he'd been dozing. Then he realized that Draco was standing next to him. "Uh...Malfoy? What are you doing over here?"

Hermione broke in again. "You boys were just offering your surrender to us, and admitting that we won the prank war."

Being the brilliant young woman that she was, Hermione had known something was going to happen soon, and had taught all the girls of Hogwarts how to do a basic memory charm. She wasn't Hogwarts' best student for nothing, after all! Now, she just had to get Harry to notice her...

The End

* * *

Ending #3 (Rissa)

Suddenly, Voldemort entered the room and destroyed everyone and everything. What a badass.

The End

* * *

Ending #4 (Rissa-- the original / 'real' ending)



Hermione's eyes widened as she realized what was going on and the words that changed Harry's life poured out of her mouth.

"My reflection was Ron naked--SHIT!" Her hand clapped over her mouth at this point. Harry blinked in confusion.

"You mean your reflection when we hexed the mirrors?" He knew that the spell they'd used worked sort of like a boggart-- you saw whatever would scare you most. But Ron naked? Sure, that'd be scary...but Dementors were much scarier, weren't they? "I don't get it..."

"Thank GOD," Hermione breathed. Not quite sure if the Truth Serum was still working, Harry tentatively asked her to explain it. He was rewarded with a look of anger he thought only possible on Snape's face.

Harry's mind drifted off in thinking, what specifically about Ron being naked would scare Hermione? Was she scared of Ron's obvious crush on her? No, that couldn't be her deepest, darkest secret. Maybe she was just scared of sex? Or scared of boys? Was she--? It suddenly clicked.

"Holy SHIT! You're a les--" he was cut off by Draco's hand on his shoulder.

"C'mon, Potter, give her our conditions." Harry deduced that, since Hermione wouldn't meet his eyes, his suspicions were correct.

"Er...right then...Hermione, if you girls don't surrender and end this war, we're going to post all of your secrets. Each boy knows one girl's secret, and we'll compile them and pass around a list of them all."

Hermione gaped at Harry for a second before noticing Draco, at which point her brows rose, as if she'd figured something out. She glanced past Harry and nodded. "We need a minute to talk." Harry made some vague gesture of assent, and Hermione stalked over to a group of girls, including Pansy, Cho, and Hannah-- he was surprised, he'd never known who the ringleaders of the girls' group were, aside from Pansy and Hermione. The girls huddled close to a table and whispered together for about five minutes before turning back to the boys. They came forward as a group, and Hermione stepped forward, arms at her side, chin up, and nose in the air.

"We agree, but we want to put another condition on the surrender."

By this point the entire room was watching the four girls and the four boys (as Harry and Draco had been joined by Justin and Terry while the girls whispered) and the four. Glancing swiftly at the boys around him, Harry turned back to Hermione. "What condition?"

A quick gesture from Hermione, and suddenly Harry felt Cho's hand on the back of his head, a goblet against his lips, and liquid going down his throat before he could stop it. He finally reacted and shoved Cho away-- it still hadn't even really registered to him that it was her, and she was probably lucky he hadn't instinctively tried to knock her unconscious. Gagging noises next to him told him that Draco had also been made a victim by Pansy. Justin and Terry had rushed back into the ranks when the first sign of trouble had showed, so now everyone was staring at Hermione, Harry, and Draco to see what would happen.

"What's your deepest, darkest secret?" Hermione smirked a smirk that the King of Smirks, otherwise known as Draco Malfoy, would have been proud of, had the situation not been so dire.

"I'M GAY! FUCK!"

A bunch of thoughts hit Harry all at the same time. The most prominent ones, in no pariticular order, were the following: one, that everyone had heard him. Two, that he hadn't even known he was gay! Three, that he'd sworn loudly in front of all the teachers. Four, that his voice hadn't been the only one saying those three words.

This last thought made its way to the front of everything else and Harry turned to stare an absolutely petrified Draco Malfoy, who was staring back at Harry with a hand clapped over his mouth and his cheeks as pink as such a pale person could have.

Girls fainted. So did Ron. Dumbledore laughed. Hermione swayed to the floor in relief. Ginny cried.

Well, shit, Harry thought. At least we won. Sort of.

The End (for real)