Harry Potter and the Battle of the Sexes

Hermione Granger was smart. Harry knew this. She knew every spell in every book they'd ever been assigned to read, and the spells out of a lot of books they HADN'T been assigned (or weren't even allowed to read, for that matter). She was also disturbingly good at Potions-- second only to Draco, in fact, and even that was mostly due to Snape's interference --and could even invent a few of her own potions. She was even starting to learn how to create spells on her own. In other words, Hermione was an utter genius with magic.

Which was probably why it hadn't occurred to Harry or any of the other boys that they might try and retaliate in such a non-magical way. It wasn't even just non-magical, it was...simple. Childish. Obvious.

It was no big deal. Sure, some boys in each year of each house had made the startling discovery that there was no hot water or towels, and had to endure the taunting of their roommates-- especially about certain body parts --and of course, they had to wear their dress robes to class (which was technically not against the rules, so long as they met a certain bunch of requirements.) But most of the boys got away with relatively little problem, aside from the embarrassment of having been taken in such a muggle fashion.

Unfortunately, Harry found that his dress robes were not in his closet. In fact, the only clothing in his trunk wasn't his at all-- black leather pants, a black t-shirt with the sleeves and collar ripped off, and black combat boots.

Harry was considering wearing his pajamas and slippers to class. After all, none of the other boys could loan him anything, and they were the only other thing they had. However, Ron, in a rare moment of true intelligence, pointed out that it would probably be better to go wearing the clothes the girls (they assumed) had provided and hold his head high and unembarrassed than to run around in his jammies. Harry sighed. Time to take a hit for the good of the group, he supposed. He pulled on the pants and boots, but when he picked up the t-shirt a few things fell on the ground. A spikey collar and matching bracelets. Armlets, he amended to himself. Bracelets sounded much too girly to describe these things. Well, he figured, better go all the way then. He put on the collar and bracelets.

Ron gaped at him.

"Do I look that stupid?" Harry raised a brow in anxiousness as he glanced at Ron's startled expression.

"Harry...I wouldn't worry." Ron's 'O' mouth turned into a grin. "You look good." Harry raised his other brow, this time in astonishment.

"You've GOT to be kidding me." Ron just shook his head.

"I don't think the girls were just trying to embarrass you, mate. I think they actually wanted to see you in leather!" Harry flushed red and glanced at himself in the mirror. His pale skin accented the blackness of the clothes quite nicely, he supposed. Shame the shirt wasn't green. Would have brought out his eyes. Mrs. Weasley would've been happy then. Harry sighed.

"Well...let's go then."

As soon as he got to breakfast, Harry noticed the stares he was getting. Remembering Ron's words, he gave the room a cheeky grin and sat down at his usual place, determined not to let Hermione's prank get the best of him.

Then Draco stormed in. Dressed identically to Harry. He looked good. By some magic, Harry kept his jaw from dropping, but failed in being as discreet with his eyes (which, Ron told him later, had nearly bugged out of their sockets). Harry was pleased to notice Draco returning his incredulous stares. And everyone else was staring at them, too. Fortunately, the morning owls swooped into the room, distracting everyone. Hedwig landed on Harry's shoulder and dropped him a brief note of the usual updates and warnings from Sirius. Harry ripped off a piece of the parchment and scrawled a note onto it.

D -

Meet at midnight in the library.

Bring Terry and Justin.

Payback.

- H

He handed the note to Hedwig and quietly told her to get it to Draco after everyone else had left the common room. She nipped his ear affectionately-- fortunately, the owls weren't taking part in the current war at Hogwarts.

Draco threw a wad of paper at Harry in Potions in response.

H-

Damn right.

- D

Harry grinned. Vengeance would be lovely.

* * *

Two weeks passed before the boys' revenge could be taken. One of these weeks was spent choosing a fitting revenge. The next week was spent designing it and learning the spell. But oh, it would be worth it.

It had better be, Harry thought bitterly. The girls had spent ever moment of the two weeks bragging and rubbing their noses into their loss. If they thought that the taunting about their, er, masculine bits from their roommates was bad, it was nothing to what the girls were saying. Talk about ego-stomping. But this revenge would be quite appropriate. Or rather, it would be appropriately inappropriate.

Each of the four "House Representatives" cast an x-ray vision spell on themselves. The girls wouldn't expect that-- they'd expect a prank or spell to be placed on them. They wouldn't even think of spell-proofing the boys. The spell would last for about a day, and they could turn it off and on at will by reiterating the words of the spell: Perspicuus.

The intention was essentially quite juvenile: to see the girls' knickers (fourth-years and above only, of course). Draco had been rather against the idea at first, but when Harry pointed out to him that they weren't doing it for voyeuristic reasons, but rather for the purpose of mocking each girl individually about their choice of undies.

"It's simple really," Harry grinned. "If she's wearing grannies, tease her for an old maid. If she's wearing a g-string or a thong, tease her for a slut."

Draco raised an elegant eyebrow at this. "What if that's not what they're wearing?"

Harry's grin faltered slightly. "What's left?"

Draco's trademark smirked appeared. "Well...some girls prefer to be more, ah, enthusiastic in their undergarment choices. And of course, some," his smirk widened, "prefer not to wear any at all."

Harry gaped for a moment, but he didn't feel embarrassed as Justin Fitch-Fletchley had actually let out a gasp at this information. Come ON, Justin, it isn't THAT surprising a concept, he heard a voice which sounded remarkably like Draco's in his head.

Then he realized that as soon as he'd heard the thought in his head, Draco had said it out loud. Harry nearly burst out laughing at that.

"Well, at least now you won't humiliate our sex by fainting with surprise when you see it come Monday," Draco finally forced himself to stop chuckling at the naivete of the Hufflepuff. "That would absolutely ruin everything!"

* * *

Monday was the best day ever.

The boys had decided to spend the day writing down the girls' panty choices, and then got together for a meeting to write disparaging comments about each and every choice. And Draco had been proven correct, quite a few girls turned out to be wearing satin teddies, negligees, or, well, nothing under their robes and uniforms. Oddly enough, Hermione was a member of the latter group. Harry had nearly choked on his pumpkin juice, causing her to look at him oddly as she sat across from him at the table (the boys and girls were still sitting on opposite sides of the tables). Parvati was wearing granny panties, to Harry's surprise (he'd figured she was more the thong type), and Lavender was wearing the most complex-looking getup he'd ever seen. Pansy, it turned out, liked pink. A lot. Draco was disgusted.

Justin complained to them in the middle of the day that he kept getting aroused watching the girls in their underoos. Harry told him that whenever that happened, to just look at whatever teacher was nearby. Especially McGonagall (who, it turned out, had a thing for leather. Ew.)

The next morning, before anyone had woken up, they posted the lists in the common rooms.

Hermione took one look at the list and fainted when she saw what was scrawled next to her name. Colin, who Harry had told to take pictures of the girls' reactions, managed to get an excellent shot of her falling backwards. Lavender Brown, predictably, took down the lists and threw them in the fireplace. It was at this point that Harry set off the spell that caused copies of the list to rain down in the Gryffindor dormitories. He grinned and made sure to keep a copy of it for himself. He also told Colin to make copies of all the photos he took. Harry had decided to make a scrapbook of this war.

Yes, overall, he was glad it hadn't really been over. He made plans to meet with Draco, Justin, and Terry to discuss what the girls might plan next.