Whose Buttock Is It Anyway?

Author's Notes:

I thought that the buttock incident was not paid its due in fan fiction, despite being the only light-hearted juxtaposition to the tense beginning of Book 5. The only story around this incident that I remember to have enjoyed enormously is "Mischief Managed Romanced", by the talented Mrs.Tater, a prolific writer of Remus/Tonks fics.

I thought that this would be an appropriate time to share my angst on Book 7. I read this book by Spartz et al (Mugglenet) on what we could expect in Book 7. Good analyses, but what has me worried is their prediction that Remus might die. Aaargh! Is there no justice in the world? Agreed that Wormtail's silver hand seems ominous, but hasn't JKR said in an interview that she created Tonks's character just for Remus's sake? Please, somebody, give me some hope!

I am grateful to Kerichi for patiently hearing my rants on Potterverse and I quite enjoy our arguments over Snape. I prefer to think of him as an 'evil git' and even if JKR exonerates him, I will not! Let Snape-bashings continue!

Though I started writing this fic in January, I lost the original version in cyberspace due to an incompetent technician. I have tried my best to re-create the same and am posting it before the release of OotP (Fingers and eyes crossed!).

The title owes its inspiration to the TV show "Whose Line Is It Anyway?". I might just dedicate this fic to Colin's cheeky dimples (on his face, of course!) and Wayne's butt - gorgeous specimens both.

Whose Buttock Is It Anyway?

'Don't put your wand there, boy!' roared Moody. 'What if it ignited? Better wizards then you have lost buttocks, you know!'

- Chapter 3, Ootp

'- and you mean to say you asked who had lost a buttock?' guffawed Sirius Black.

The Order of the Phoenix was meeting at headquarters after the successful retrieval of Harry Potter by the Advance Guard. Dumbledore had congratulated the team on its success and had gone on to discuss other matters. On the meeting's conclusion the order leader, Albus Dumbledore, had called Severus Snape and Remus Lupin aside for some instructions while the others had broken up into informal groups. It was into this post-meeting atmosphere that Sirius's raucous voice had echoed as his young cousin*, Nymphadora Tonks, recounted what had happened on the mission.

The reactions to this statement were a pantomime by itself. Kingsley Shacklebolt, Arthur Weasley and Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody were in a huddled discussion and looked up on hearing this statement - Kingsley with a mysterious smile, Moody with a frown and Arthur with a curious glance. Hestia Jones and Emmeline Vance wandered over from the stove were Molly Weasley was cooking up a storm. Others turned curious faces towards Sirius and Tonks.

Dumbledore had just finished his discussion and walked towards the couple with his eyes twinkling on high luminosity. Snape followed sullenly - he had been about to launch into a pompous monologue on how difficult his life was as a spy and did not relish the interruption, while Remus followed with a mischievous smile on his face. He was, in fact, glad for a diversion from Snape as most of the latter's words was directed at him.

Molly turned her gaze towards the table with a look that spoke of equal parts horror and equal parts glee at this juicy tidbit.

'What is going on here?' Moody walked up to the Black cousins in a huff. Kingsley in the meanwhile had walked upto Tonks and stood behind her chair. Only Remus noticed the friendly nudge he gave her.

'Wotcher, Mad-Eye!' Tonks cheekily greeted the ex-Auror. 'I was just telling Sirius here about your comment earlier.'

Moody grumbled something that the others couldn't hear, but that definitely did not seem polite.

'Yes, Alastor,' said Hestia Jones with a giggle, 'Please tell us about this one-buttock wonder.'

Bill Weasley was in the act of rolling up some blueprints. He abandoned it and moved towards Sirius to share in what promised to be certain entertainment*.

Moody's magical eye swiveled about the room taking in the avid interest the other Order members were showing. He frowned and was about to make a comment when Kinglsey Shacklebolt intervened, saying, 'C'mon, Mad-Eye! All of us are curious to know. The way you seem reticent about it, we are beginning to think that you might be the one-buttock wonder. You know - one-eye, one-buttock - matches perfectly! But, does that mean that the false buttock does crazy gyrations like your false eye?'

This question was greeted with laughter and a shriek as Dedalus Diggle fell off his chair in excitement. Dumbledore joined Minerva McGonagall to help pull Diggle off the floor, as Elphias Doge stared on transfixed. By now, Remus had moved across the room to stand by Sirius while Snape was standing somewhere in a 'no-man's land' near the table.

'There is a point there, Kingsley,' said Tonks. 'I've always wondered how far up that wooden leg of his extends. Maybe, we should give him some bumpsies to check out. How do you think that will sound?'

'Clunk-Flump, Clunk-Flump?' Bill added helpfully with a grin.

'This is no joking matter!' Moody huffed in annoyance. 'Wand-safety has to be taken seriously at all times. And being an Order member, that person should have known better than...' Moody's voice softened suddenly as he realized that he was about to reveal who the person in question was.

'A-ha!' Bill exclaimed triumphantly. 'So, it is an Order member. Let me get this straight - was it from the first Order or one among us now?'

Sirius swiveled his head to look at Dumbledore and McGonagall.

'Don't. Even. Think. About. It!' McGonagall stressed each word, encasing them in layers of meaning that spelled terrible retribution to anybody who voiced the question.

'What?' Sirius blinked his eyes trying to look innocent. 'I wanted to ask you if it was possible to transfigure body parts and able to sustain them for so long.' Sirius tried to look crestfallen, playing the 'wrongfully accused' to the hilt.

'I am sure,' replied McGonagall sarcastically.

To break up the impending argument, Kingsley butted in by saying, 'I am sure there is Polyjuice for Posteriors.'

Before he could ask Snape's opinion on that, Hestia exclaimed with a giggle, 'Imagine if it was ... Rubeus Hagrid!' This was greeted by a few snorts and a wry grimace by Emmeline.

'Hagrid!' Kingsley chortled in amusement. 'I am sure we would have noticed if something was amiss by now. With such a massive expanse to display, it would be easy to detect.'

'Yes,' agreed Remus, 'Gluteus Maximus.' His comment was greeted with a shout of laughter from the others.

'You know,' said Sirius with a serious expression on his face, which was totally un-Siriuslike, 'why do you think we call Remus 'Moony'? It's to console him that it will never be a full moon for him.*'

'Really?' Hestia looked over at Remus with horrified eyes. 'Is it true?'

Remus decided to play along with Sirius's game and with a few false sighs said, 'My friends never let me forget. If you don't believe - I can show you?'

A stunned silence greeted this offer. Sirius burst into laughter. 'No Moony, we will not let you suffer in silence. I think if you have to doff your pants then all us men at least should, including Dungie here.' The last was said with a poke at a pile of rugs that was heaving rhythmically besides Sirius.

'Some'n say m'name? I 'gree with Sirius.*' The aforementioned pile of rags suddenly spoke up, revealing Mundungus Fletcher - con-man, thief and Order liaison with all dealings illegal.

It was a standard phrase that Mundungus used at meetings, regardless of what was being discussed. The aptness of this stock-phrase to the current situation was not lost on the others. They burst out into laughter, pulling up Mundungus from his stupor.

'Wha' didja say?' asked Mundungus looking around.

'Well, I was offering for all of us men to doff our pants so Moony would not do it alone. Solidarity and all that, you know.' Sirius explained to Mundungus who seemed puzzled with the strange action proposed.

'Eh? New Order code, innit?' Mundungus said, seemingly relieved to have made some sense of Sirius's words. Having said that, he started patting his rags about, trying to figure out where the waistband of his pants were.

Just as everybody was looking on horrified, thinking that Mundungus was about to 'moon' the room, Snape cut in and stopped him from proceeding further.

If the members thought that Snape intervened with the noble intention of sparing others the blushes, they were wrong. Snape had been watching the drama unfold from the sidelines. He hated any moment of the meeting where he was not in the lime-light, recounting his exploits as a spy and how he risked his life while others sat inside cleaning the house. He couldn't interrupt the others but felt that he could ride rough-shod over Mundungus.

'Stop it, Fletcher! Nobody is interested in seeing your flaccid back-side!' Snape snarled.

'How do you know about the flaccidity of Dungie's posterior regions?' queried Sirius. Turning to Mundungus, he asked, 'Say Dungie, have you been skinny-dipping in the kitchen in my absence? Or,' Sirius directed a sly glance at Snape, 'do we have a peeping-tom? I think I have to re-inforce some wards around the toilets.'

'How dare you?' Snape looked thunderous and prepared to sweep off towards the door.

'Are you not staying to dinner?' Molly spoke up, trying to appease Snape. 'We have Rump Roast -' Molly broke off recalling the inappropriateness of dinner to the discussion on hand.

Snape gave her a vile look and as he started sweeping out the door, the last comment he heard was 'Sore-arsed fellow!'

As the others started making their way up towards the exit, Mundungus wondered why some members laughed at his comment and fell back in his chair and was snoring in minutes.

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Much later:

Sirius, Remus and Tonks were relaxing over a few shots of Firewhisky after the dinner, with Sirius still ranting about the restriction on information to Harry and downing a shot per rant.

'About who lost a buttock-' began Remus in order to divert Sirius's ranting, casting about for a topic and hitting upon their earlier diversion, 'the one-buttock wonder'

Remus's sentence was interrupted by Bill Weasley who suddenly appeared at the door.

'Oh yes! Seriously, who do you think lost a buttock?' said Bill, helping himself to the drink.

'I thought you were planning a dalliance with a certain veela?' Tonks teased Bill who immediately blushed and looked about the room.

'Hush! Let not Mum hear you. Things are still shaky...'

Tonks queried, 'Not much "eemproovement"?'

Bill brightened. 'Oh yes, we have improved to snogging!'

Tonks rolled her eyes in exasperation and said, 'I meant her English, you dolt!'

'That too! That too!' replied Bill with a faraway look in his eyes. Then, collecting himself to the present surroundings, he recalled his earlier query. 'Well, who do you think it is? I bet on Diggle - he is always toppling over. His loss of balance is highly suspicious.'

Remus grinned. 'He is not the only equilibrium-challenged Order member. I can think of another candidate who fits the bill better if that's the case!'

'Equibariam?' Sirius slurred. 'What is that?'

'Oh, it is an aquarium for sea-horses.' Remus was about to rattle off some more cooked up facts to convince an alcohol muddled Sirius when Tonks broke in on his words.

'Don't you dare!' Tonks swatted Remus with her hand which he evaded swiftly with a grin.

Sirius suddenly had a brain-wave and exclaimed, 'I know! It's Emmeline!'

'Why?' The others queried this strange moment of lucid contemplation from Sirius.

'You know that green shawl of hers?' The others nodded at this. 'To cover her loss, she's always clutching it tightly around her,' and just when the others wondered at the extent of Sirius's lucidity, he dropped a zinger, 'like a chastity belt!'

The other three choked over their drinks and spat.

Tonks and Bill roared with laughter. Remus, used to Sirius's drunken ramblings explained over sniggers that choked his words. 'I think he means a security blanket, did you not Padfoot?'

'That's what I meant! Didn't I?' queried a petulant Sirius, wondering what the joke was about.

'Padfoot! Once in a while, try to pull your mind away from the morass of depravity it has sunk in.' Though Remus chided his friend, he chortled away silently. Trust Padfoot to come up with a stunner. Poor Emmeline!

'Go slow on the words, Moony,' said Sirius, casting a sobering charm on himself as he kept missing the joke. 'Now, you guess who it is. I loved the look on Snivellus's face when Dungie called him a "sore-arsed" fellow.'

'I know who it is.' Remus said mysteriously. 'But before I tell you, I wanted to clarify this strange remark of Ron's that I overheard after the meeting broke up. He said that Snape never eats here*. I know that today Molly unwittingly discouraged him, but is that a regular occurrence?'

Bill and Tonks burst into laughter. 'That is basically our doing, Charlie included.' Bill owned up and then recounted their evil doings.

'It started at the first Order meeting that was conducted here. Remember, Mum had cooked a huge dinner with Emmeline's help? All the Order members were there, including new inductees Charlie and Tonks, as this place was declared headquarters.'

Tonks continued. 'Charlie and Bill are my old pals and so we stuck to-gether at the meeting. We didn't plan to hex Snape at the beginning, but he had passed a nasty comment on Arthur and Molly's parenting skills.'

Bill took up the tale. 'We saw red. We couldn't bump him from the meeting, but we could deny him the feast Mum had prepared, though she would not have minded Snape eating. You know Mum - if You-Know-Who turned up outside her door, she would have fed him and nourished him back to goodness.'

'Do you remember what was in the centre of the feast?' Bill asked Remus and Sirius.

Remus said, 'I retired to the library immediately after the meeting as I was still tired from the previous night's transformation. I remember a huge spread but did not dine with the others - Molly brought me a snack later. What about you, Sirius?'

Thinking about it Sirius replied, 'I remember! It was a roast suckling pig. A huge one, looked more like a boar - with apple and all. It reminded me of a feast at this house when I was younger.'

Bill said, 'In school, I once charmed the food that the Slytherin Quidditch captain was eating, so that it resembled his friends' heads and limbs.' Bill and Tonks chortled over the memory. 'Tonks was in on all our Slytherin-targeted pranks as she and Charlie were close pals, despite being in different houses - a bonding over being awkward and constantly teased, and of course, Quidditch.'

'You managed to stay up on a broom?' Remus asked Tonks mock-seriously. 'No equilibrium-issues?'

'Prat!' Tonks swatted Remus again.

'Oh!' said Sirius, recollecting a conversation from earlier on. 'You said equilibrium then!'

Remus covered his eyes and groaned. 'Too bright! I can't face the light!'

Bill exclaimed in concern, 'Remus, what's wrong?'

'That light-bulb over Sirius's head! I can't stand the glare!' He covered his eyes and pretended to moan in agony.

'Git!' Three people pounced on Remus and thumped him hard.

Tonks sniggered suddenly. I wonder what will happen when Sirius understands the "belt"? She looked up to see Remus thinking along the same lines and they exchanged wicked grins.

'Sorry, Bill,' Remus apologized, 'please continue.'

'And so a little bit of magic and Snape saw himself replacing the pig on the table - complete with apple and garnish.'

Remus and Sirius roared with laughter at the thought of Snape hunched over a platter with an apple in his mouth.*

'So, only Snape could see it?' Remus asked, shaking his head in wonder.

'Yes! And it was pure torture for him. Everytime anyone passed near the table and admired the pig, Snape writhed in his chair. But, that was not all. Tonks had an idea - we hexed an inebriated Dungie into believing that the pig was sitting in Snape's chair. And when Snape got up, he followed Snape around brandishing a knife and fork. Snape left in a hurry.'

Everybody laughed at the image of Mundungus chasing the Death Eater with cutlery in hand.

'On the next two occasions that he was supposed to stay for dinner, we made the food as unappetizing as possible, or, I should say, appetizing in a wrong way. Actually Sirius, I should own up that Snape thought you were behind the spells.'

'No wonder Snivellus ran away whenever I tried to play the gracious host. I remember him bolting when I asked Minerva to offer him a goblet of decades old champagne.'

'Oh!' said Tonks brightly, 'That should have been the one with multi-coloured effervescent bubbles that popped with an obnoxious odour.'

'Where did you dig up such spells?' queried Sirius. 'We could have made use of them at school!'

'Library,' replied Bill with a proud look on his face, 'Restricted Section - Head Boy privileges.'

'And to think that James used up his privileges on extended curfews with the Head Girl. What a waste!' Sirius rued the lost opportunity. Gathering his thoughts, he addressed Remus. 'Moony, now that your question has been answered, you have to let us know the

person in question.'

'I don't know how this person lost a buttock as it is not possible, but I know the person Mad-Eye was referring to for a certainty.' Remus finished with a smug look on his face, looking at the eager faces before him.

'Now, don't leave us in suspense!' chided Bill.

'Well then, Lady and Gentlemen, I give you the one-buttock wonder, Nymphadora Tonks!'

'Tonks!' cried Sirius and Bill in unison.

Tonks cringed in anticipation of the revelation to come but laughed good naturedly and said, 'Guess I have to own up. It was a prank Kingsley and I played on Mad-Eye.'

Tonks went on to elaborate.

'Imagine this - my first day of Auror training and the Auror in-charge, Kingsley Shacklebolt, pulls me into his cubicle, casts a silencing charm and starts questioning me about the changes that I can make to my body. I was getting creeped out as I had been harassed enough at school to change my appearance and was planning to hex him when he realized my agitation. Kingsley owned that he was fascinated to hear that I was a Metamorphmagus and other than the obvious advantages in concealment and disguise, he wondered if my ability was useful in playing pranks.'

'Wand-safety, as you know, is a pet subject of Mad-Eye. Each new batch of Aurors that he trained was grilled on its importance in the first class that he handled for them. Kingsley, as the Auror in-charge of trainees, had gotten tired of hearing this lecture batch after batch, though he could never find out if somebody had actually lost a buttock or if it was Mad-Eye's paranoia. He was waiting for an opportunity to pull Mad-Eye's leg and felt that he could use my ability to his advantage and advised me to volunteer when Mad-Eye asked the trainees where they stowed their wands.'

'Everything went according to plan - Mad-Eye introduced himself and then raved for ten minutes about the importance of being Aurors and taking training seriously and then, another ten minutes on the neglected aspect of wand-safety. He was in his full element when he threw the question to the room, asking each trainee to demonstrate how they stowed their wand.'

'As most of us stowed it in our back-pockets, Mad-Eye ranted that we were all making the most dangerous mistake. So, I got up and asked him what could possibly go wrong and made a show of jabbing the wand in my back-pocket and oops...the dreaded accident occurred!'

'Here was Mad-Eye's nightmare or secret wish coming to life and what does he do? Pop his eyes figuratively and literally - his real eye bulged enormously in its socket and the false one popped right out and rolled over the floor.'

Remus, Sirius and Bill were rolling in their chairs in hysterical laughter. 'Serves him right!' exclaimed Sirius.

Tonks continued. 'Mad-Eye later learnt that I was a Metamorphmagus but still continues to hold a small grudge against us. On the upshot, Kingsley and I bonded over this incident and he took it upon himself to be my personal mentor.'

'But back at Privet Drive, you were the first to ask Mad-Eye who had lost a buttock?' queried Remus.

'You know, offense is the best defense,' shrugged Tonks nonchalantly.

Remus pursued his thought. 'I also think you have some other hold on him that prevents him from naming you.'

At this, Tonks burst into laughter and in between snorts she said, 'That involves a spot of black-mail by Kingsley. Do you know what spell Mad-Eye fears the most?'

'The Unforgivables,' Bill spoke up, 'Avada Kedavra, Crucio or Imperio.'

'Wrong on all counts,' said Tonks wickedly. 'It is Rictusempra.'

'The Tickling Spell?' exclaimed Sirius. 'I would have never thought of that.'

'But why should Mad-Eye fear such a harmless spell?' queried Remus, with Bill adding his nods to the question.

Tonks explained. 'What Mad-Eye fears the most is loss of control. Kingsley tells me that Mad-Eye seems like a lovable teddy-bear under Rictusempra, a realization that came up during a botched training session. Not too favourable for a person who calculates to intimidate and terrify his opponents with his very appearance, right?'

'We would never have thought of it,' swore Bill. He shook his head in wonder and noting the time, got up. 'Thanks for telling us Tonks - the secret is safe with me. I have to run - a good night snog...er...I mean, snack.'

Bill left after some good-natured ribbing from the others.

Tonks turned to Remus and said, 'Ok! Fess up, Sherlock! How did you guess it was me?'

'I saw Kingsley nudging you before baiting Mad-Eye, and when Mad-Eye was spluttering he looked everywhere else but at you.' Remus said. 'And then tell me, who else changes the size of her buttocks with the dress she wears?'

Tonks blushed at this and Sirius looked happy at the prospect of endless entertainment in needling his friend and cousin. 'Look at my bold, cheeky cousin - she is blushing prettily. What do we have here? Moony waxing eloquent on my cousin's waning and waxing posteriors and she does not even bother to hex him. Am I missing something? Cheeky and Moony - what a pair!'

Remus was flustered, 'Hey, I couldn't help but notice. You know how keenly I observe people.' Remus was trying to cover up his slip. Being of a reticent nature, he was sure that the Firewhisky was to blame for loosening his tongue.

'Did you know that Mundungus has a wart on his nose?' queried Sirius and when Remus shook his head, exclaimed, 'There you are - keenly observing people, my foot! I am sure it is only one pink-haired Auror who has been under observation. You have been checking out my cousin!'

'You are making me sound like a stalker.' Though Remus sounded anguished as he said this, he couldn't resist adding, 'Can't help it if she is prone most of the time, giving the whole world a wonderful perspective of her ass...er...assets.'

Tonks had overcome her initial embarrassment by now and was quite delighting in the fact that Remus had been checking her out. She decided to join Sirius in making Remus squirm. 'You old lecher!' she exclaimed in mock-indignation. 'Do you know what he did, Sirius? When we had assembled at the Dursleys' to collect Harry, he grabbed my buttocks. I smashed a plate as a result, and the sound alerted Harry to our presence. Luckily it was dark and hopefully, nobody noticed.'

Remus protested his alleged innocence. 'You were about to stumble and I was only lending a helping hand.'

'Yes! You were all hands!' Tonks retorted, quite enjoying Remus's discomfiture.

'I thought that one helped someone about to stumble by holding their shoulders. Maybe you couldn't see her shoulders in the dark. Or, did you think that her chest had slipped down?' Sirius couldn't hide his glee in tormenting Remus.

'Yes!' said Tonks with a smirk, 'Answer that, you ass-grabber!'

'Speak for yourself, you crotch-starer!' retorted Remus.

'What...where...when...?' Tonks stumbled over her words.

'When I had to wear Sirius's old leather pants on a dare after a drinking session.'

Tonks cast about for a suitable explanation to cover up her ogling and came up with a lame, 'As we had read about werewolf physiology, I was only giving you a critical Auror's eye.'

'Seemed more like eyeing to me,' said Remus smugly, 'and that was not the only occasion.'

'You know,' volunteered Tonks tentatively, 'if said physiology changes with the moon?'

Sirius groaned. 'Eyuch! I need to forget the last ten minutes of conversation.' He hurriedly downed two glasses of Firewhisky. 'Now, I have had enough of your attempted flirting. Either own up and go find a room or just leave and take your sniping elsewhere. I'll have you know that there are a lot of impressionable minds in this house, including me!'

'Yes!' said Remus, 'I would like to find exactly how impressionable you are when my fists speak!'

'Whatever!' exclaimed Sirius and promptly fell asleep on the dining table.

Remus and Tonks fumed for some time about that 'evil git' and 'miserable prat' and discussed various pranks to pull on Sirius in revenge.

It was after a lull in conversation, filled by only Sirius's snores, that Remus spoke up.

'Nymphadora!'

'Uh-huh!' chided Tonks.

'Sorry, Tonks!' Remus corrected himself and asked wistfully, 'Do you really think that I am old?'

And the rest, as they say, is Canon.

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Key:

*Young cousin, Nymphadora Tonks: I thought that Tonks is technically Sirius's niece, and wondered why she is more often referred to as his cousin. This is because in India most relationships are closely knit and even third cousins are referred to courteously according to which generation they belong to. It is the whole 'Indian Family' thingy. Thanks to Kerichi for pointing out the difference.

*Bill Weasley and the parchments: This may explain why Bill was hastily rolling up parchments when Harry and others entered the basement (Chapter 5 of OotP).

*Never Full Moon for Moony: I credit this quote to Mrs.Tater's "Mischief Managed Romanced" at Livejournal.

*Some'n say m'name? I 'gree with Sirius: Mundungus speaks the same words in Chapter 5 of Ootp.

*Snape never eats here: Ron makes the remark as the Order members are leaving (Chapter 4 of OotP). Thought I could have some fun with that.

*Snape hunched over a platter with an apple in his mouth: Inspired by the banquets in the wonderful Asterix series and my natural inclination towards Snape-bashing.