Y Nireidi Chanddi

Of Raisons and Halloween

The first Friday, only a select few participated in the girls' new holiday. The second, they had coerced most of the Slytherin House to take part. By the third, much of the rest of the school had been bullied into it. And on the fourth, it was a sea of...well...not black.

The teaching staff looked down across the Great Hall Friday morning at breakfast. They were the only ones still in uniform. There happened to be a Quidditch match that day, so all the houses were decked out in their colors. The red was quite blinding while the green was a bit subtler.

McGonagall watched shrewdly through her glasses, every once in a while, sniffing disapprovingly at certain outfits. After seeing a particularly unsavory logo on a young man's shirt, she turned to the headmaster.

"Albus," she said, "We should have stopped those bloody girls while we had the chance."

Albus simply smiled faintly, the gleam in his eye still strong, and replied, "Oh, I don't know, Minerva, I rather think we never had a chance."

It was thus that Muggle Dress Day was firmly, though unorthodoxly, established.

* * *

Hannah woke up. She smiled.

"It's Halloween."

Alexis turned her head slightly to see her friend at the neighboring bed.

"I know."

The two girls got up, brushed their teeth and got dressed. Hannah looked over at Alexis and smiled. Alexis smiled back.

Together they said, "It's. Halloween."

They practically waltzed out of the dormitory.

Everyone was gone.

"Um," Hannah asked, "Where is everybody?"

Alexis looked at the clock, "At breakfast."

"What?"

"At. Breakfast. Do I need to break it down for you?"

"Shut up,"

"'At' is a description of where a noun, person, place, or thing, may be."

"Shut. Up."

"'Breakfast' is one of those nouns I just mentioned. Specifically, the name of a meal, taken at the beginning of the day. Derived from the words, 'break' and 'fast', as in, the breaking of fast after sleeping."

"Are you quite done?"

"Yes, yes, grammar lesson is over. For now."

"All right, let's go to break fast then."

* * *

At the Great Hall, the Slytherin table looked up at the new arrivals, but didn't say anything. The girls each grabbed a muffin, some milk, and sat down to eat. Alexis was just about to take a bite out of her muffin when she felt a hand around her wrist. She looked over at Hannah, who gave her a look. Alexis gave her a look back. Hannah sighed.

"Look," said Hannah with a sigh, "What is on the fucking muffins."

Alexis looked at her muffin carefully, her eyes widened.

"Oh dear gods, they're, they're..."

"I know."

"It's disgusting."

"Utterly barbaric."

"I think I'm going to vomit."

"Have some milk, dear."

Draco looked at them, "What is wrong with you two?"

"Do you know what you are eating?" Alexis said in a clipped voice.

"Yeah," Draco replied, "A muffin."

"A muffin, he says," Alexis uttered with a wave of a hand, "A muffin, he says. These are not just any muffins!"

She was nearing hysteria, her voice screeching at the end. Hannah sighed and rolled her eyes.

"These muffins, as you so quaintly call them" she continued, "Have... have... have..."

"Yes?" Draco prompted.

"Raisons!"

Most of the Slytherin table was now staring at the exchange. Draco blinked.

"This is about raisons?" he asked blankly.

"Yes," Hannah said, "And you call Muggles barbaric."

Now the Ravenclaw table, too, was looking over with blatant curiosity.

"They're just fruit," said Draco.

"Just fruit?" said Hannah.

"Just fruit," Alexis repeated.

"He says it's just fruit," said Hannah.

"Just fruit," Alexis said yet again.

"Raisons," Hannah explained, as if to a child, "Are not fruit."

"Not fruit," Alexis agreed firmly, with a nod of her head.

"Grapes," Hannah continued, "Are fruit."

"Are fruit," Alexis again agreed.

"Raisons," Hannah continued, "Are the dead..."

"Rotting..." Alexis continued.

"Dried out..."

"Fermenting..."

"Remnants..."

"Of the sad..."

"Pathetic..."

"Underappreciated..."

"Short-lived..."

"Fruit that once was."

There was silence.

Draco reached across and took a muffin off Hannah's plate, who looked rather insulted, and took a large, very deliberate, bite.

The girls gasped.

"Cannibal," Hannah breathed.

Draco looked at her blandly, "I was never a fruit."

The girls looked at each other and smiled.

Alexis, smiling wickedly, said, "Are you sure?"

"Because," Hannah continued, "I thought I saw you taking quite a look at Mr. Potter at the Quidditch match last week."

Draco blinked for a few seconds, obviously trying to see how this connected with the current conversation.

Then he turned bright red and, as the muffin lay forgotten and squished in his hand, said, "I never..."

But he never got to finish his sentence, as Alexis interrupted.

"Are you sure you never?"

"Not even in your dreams?" Hannah insinuated.

"Not even in a past life?"

There were giggles coming from just about everywhere. Harry Potter had ducked under the Gryffindor table and could be seen trying to sneak out of the room.

"I mean, it's perfectly understandable," Hannah continued, "He does have a certain charm."

"And you would probably want to rebel from your oh-so-dear father."

"I mean the environment you would have had to grow up in."

"After all, what better way to scream rebellion then to have a shag with your enemy?" Alexis smiled innocently.

"I thought it was to have a drink with your enemy," Hannah said.

"Drink? Hannah, they're eleven. Corrupting innocent minds, you fiend!" Alexis looked scandalized.

"And sex is better then alcohol how?"

"Well, sex is better than alcohol..."

"You know what the bloody hell I meant."

"You ought to be more specific, dear."

It was at this point that Professor Snape made his presence known.

"Ahem, more specific about what?"

The two girls turned and, without missing a beat, said, "That while sex is better than alcohol, it is not necessarily the lesser of two evils when it comes to children."

Snape, who was quite stunned by this, remained motionless and silent.

"Anyway," Alexis continued, "I'm afraid we can't stick around. We have a funeral to go to."

"We do?" Hannah asked.

"Oh yes,"

Then, they got up, walked out of the Great Hall, and, eventually, outside onto the grass near the lake.

"All right," Alexis said, "Do you think Accio would work for this?"

"Work for what?"

"Bringing the raisons out, of course."

"Oh, I get it now! Well, we could try."

With that, the girls raised their wands and cried in clear voices, "Accio raisons!"

For a moment, nothing happened, then, little black specks began flying towards them.

"Okay then," said Alexis, "That would be our cue to take cover."

They ran behind a tree, waiting until the rushing sound stopped. When they looked again, there was a large pile of rather dirty raisons and quite a few spectators.

The girls smiled.

Hannah stepped forward and cleared her throat, "We are gathered here today..."

"That's weddings!" Alexis hissed.

"What?"

"That's for weddings."

"Well, what do they say at funerals?"

"I don't know. 'Ashes to ashes, dust to dust?'"

"They start with that?"

"How the hell should I know? I've only been to one funeral and I was five!"

"Okay then," Hannah turned back to her audience. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust," there was a pause, "We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of our beloved...fruit."

Alexis had pinched the bridge of her nose and was shaking her head silently, but stifled a laugh at the word 'fruit'.

Hannah continued, "Of course, while we are not specifically here to remember all fruits," there was another snort from Alexis. "We must remember that despite the divisions derived from labels," the snort turned into a snigger. "Such as apple, or cherry, or grape, in the end, we are all...raisons."

Alexis no longer bothered hiding her laughter.

"Dead and dried, our minds gone, leaving only the shell of our previous existence. Shriveled and purple, or green, and rather disgusting to eat."

Alexis was laughing hysterically, but had her hand over her mouth to muffle the sound. She didn't want to interrupt such a lovely eulogy.

"But it is with new hope, for a better life, or afterlife, that we remember these grapes. How they brought us joy. Laughter. Music. And while these grapes may not have gone on like some of their brethren, to live in wineries or inside people's stomachs, but rather were doomed to the miserable existence of a living corpse, we must still remember their moments in the sun and their potential. It is with these words that we commit these bodies to the...air."

With that, Hannah raised her wand and said, "Incendio!"

There was a small spark among the raisons, which then proceeded to fizzle in on itself and was quickly reduced to a wisp of black smoke.

"That went well," Alexis said dryly, her head tilted slightly to one side, "Now what?"

Hannah was still staring at where the small flame had been, her wand half raised.

She then looked up and in a loud voice yelled, "Anyone know if we can get some petroleum from this castle? We'll take kerosene, if there's no petroleum!"

"Um, Hannah, darling?" Alexis spoke hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"These are wizards."

"I know."

"You're asking for petroleum."

"I know that, too. It's surprising what you can pick up when it comes out of your own mouth."

"They have no need for fossil fuels. They don't know what the hell fossil fuels are."

Hannah stared ahead for a moment.

"Damn," she said.

"Yeah," agreed Alexis.

There was a pause. Hannah stood, a look of deep thought on her face, then, without warning, turned back and shouted, "Does anyone know where we can find some freakin' cooking oil?"

"I would suspect the kitchens," some nameless Hufflepuff piped up.

"Kitchens," Hannah said, "Right."

Hannah and Alexis turned back towards the castle.

They were halfway across the lawn when Hannah said, still walking and not looking back, nor toward her friend, "Where the hell are the kitchens?"

"No idea," Alexis replied, "We could ask a house-elf."

"We've been here a month, you ever seen a house-elf?"

"No."

"Okay then,"

* * *

"Where the fucking hell are we?"

Alexis turned to her moderately distressed friend. "In a hallway. Near doors. In a castle. Called Hogwarts. Somewhere in Britain. Presumably the Earth."

Hannah turned to her moderately sarcastic friend and lifted a fist. "This is my hand. Visualize it coming across your skull in a rather speedy fashion. Imagine the damage that would cause. Savvy?"

"Savvy?"

"Yeah, like pirates and...stuff."

"Right, anyway..."

"Oh, yeah. I repeat: where the fucking hell are we?"

Alexis sighed, turned to her left, walked up a stairway and paused at the top. Hannah followed.

It was at that moment that events began to conveniently transpire in order to progress the plot. The staircase moved.

It was then that the girls actually looked at where they were. A dark hallway, rather gloomy looking, had not been cleaned in quite some time.

"Ah, shit," Hannah said.

"Was there a point to that exclamation? Or are you merely practicing your profanity?"

"Does this place look familiar?"

"It's a castle. Everything looks familiar."

"No, I mean, really familiar."

"Specify."

"I'll give you a hint: woof."

"Ah, shit."

"Isn't it too early for this? This isn't discovered till after Halloween."

"Honey, you look nothin' like Hermione Granger. And if I were Ron Weasley, I'd shoot myself."

"I'd help."

"I'd thank you."

Hannah turned slowly in a circle, examining the surroundings.

"What kind of place," she said, "Is designed so that at certain times there is no possible exit from a given floor?"

"I don't know, it had four architects, I guess it must be something about too many cooks or some such rubbish."

"Well, since we can't go back, we can either go forward or stay here."

"How perceptive of you."

"I say we go forward."

Alexis furrowed her brow. "Why? For the love of gods, why?"

"Because you're always supposed to go forward."

"Yeah. When you're the idiot hero. Do we look like heroes to you?"

"No. We don't have nearly enough bicep. But I still say we go forward."

"I repeat: why?"

"Well I was thinking, if we got the stone now, we can use it as blackmail to get Quirrell to confess, and thereby have a fairly normal, restive year."

"I repeat: why?"

"I wanna see the damned three-headed dog, okay?"

"Fine, but that's as far as we go."

"Awww! I could so get past the plant thing and the riddle!"

"What about the brooms and the chess set?"

"You can fly the broom and we could probably work our way through the chess set."

"Darling, to me a broom is just a fancy baseball bat. Useful for hitting people over the head, but not much else."

"Coward."

"You're one to talk."

"Yes, but I have a phobia, that's different."

"Whatever. Come on."

Alexis grabbed Hannah's elbow and they went down the hallway in search of a locked door.

"Okay, now what do we do?"

"Open the door," Hannah suggested.

"Be my guest," Alexis made a great show of stepping back out of the way.

"Don't you want to go first?"

"I'm really not a dog person."

"What does that have to do with it?"

"You're the one who wanted to see the beast."

"Fine. Alohomora."

The door opened.

Inside, was a (surprise, surprise) large, three-headed dog. It was asleep.

"There," Alexis said, "We saw it. Let's go and see if the staircase came back."

"I just thought of something," Hannah said.

"Oh, dear gods, help us all."

"Why would you want it to go to sleep? Then it's sitting on the trapdoor. How would you get in?"

"I don't know. I don't care. Can we find the kitchens now?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that."

"How is it that you can remember which finger someone scratched their nose with while talking about frog princes, but cannot remember what you yourself was doing five minutes ago?"

"Probably something about balance?"

"So, if you're really smart at one thing, you have to be a complete idiot in another?"

"Hey, makes sense. Reason why most geniuses are social retards."

"I take personal offence at that."

"That's nice for you, but I think that it's the kind of thing you can say if you're one of 'em. Ya know? Like you can make fun of Muggles if you're a Muggle."

"Good point. You do realize that we are still in a room with a giant three-headed dog, right?"

"Oh, right. We should leave."

"Brilliant idea, darling, brilliant."

* * *

When they returned, the staircase was once again in its proper spot. They'd only been searching for a little while when they spotted a house-elf. When the house-elf saw them, it tried to scurry away and return to its duties.

Tried to.

"Wait!" Hannah cried, then jumped for the house-elf and was able to grab its foot.

"Yes, I'm sure that will not be at all traumatic to the little thing."

"Shut up," Hannah said, then turned to the house-elf, "What's your name?"

"Wabby, miss," the elf squeaked.

"That's a very...nice name, Wabby. Can you show me where the kitchens are?"

"Wabby is not a kitchen elf, miss. Wabby is not supposed to go to the kitchens."

"But you know where they are, right?"

"Yes, Wabby knows."

"Can you tell us where it is?"

"Oh, yes. Wabby can tell!"

"Good!" Hannah said with exaggerated patience, "Please, tell us."

"To get to the kitchens, misses must go to the end of this hall and walk down the stairs for four floors. Then, misses must take the first left, the second right, the fourteenth right, and then see a picture of a bowl of fruit. Tickle the pear and it will let you in."

"Thank you," Alexis said, "Hannah, did you get that? Good. Relinquish the elf."

Hannah relinquished the elf. It went away.

"All right," Alexis said, "I did not catch any of that."

"I didn't really expect you to."

"Good. Do you know where we're going?"

"Sure. Straight, down four, one left, two right, fourteen right, fruit, tickle pear."

"Sure. Right. Okay. Go."

* * *

"All right, we're here. What happens now?" Alexis said.

"We tickle the pear."

"Then tickle the damn pear. Dear gods, the fourteenth right? I think we just walked four miles of freaking hallway."

"It's good for you."

"Sure it is. If I wanted exercise, I would...I don't even know how to finish that sentence."

"Wimp."

"Pimp."

"Last time I was the whore. Pick one."

"I'm god, I don't have to."

"Goddess. You would be a goddess."

"Deities don't have to have genders."

"Are you claiming to be a eunuch? Honey, I know that ain't true."

"Well, what if I'm neither and never told you?"

"You're not. You would have told me by now."

"How do you know?"

"I know everything."

"Tickle the damn pear."

Hannah tickled the damn pear. The pear turned into a door handle. Hannah stared at it for several seconds.

"Well?" Alexis said, "Aren't you going to open the door?"

"D'you think the handle will be squishy?"

"Why would the handle be squishy?"

"Well, it was a pear, like, two seconds ago."

"In. A. Painting. It was never a real pear!"

"Oh. Well, still, you never really know about these things here."

"Just open the door."

Hannah opened the door. The handle was not squishy.

"Wow," Hannah said as they looked inside, "I think this is bigger than our school back home."

"No, not that big. Close, but not that big."

"Okay, focus. We're here for petroleum."

"I thought we were looking for cooking oil."

"Right, it's a kitchen, that would make more sense."

There was a long pause as they looked around the noisy, busy, moving kitchen.

"Excuse me!" Alexis shouted.

Nothing happened.

"Excuse me!" Alexis shouted again, louder this time.

Nothing happened.

"All right," Alexis said, "If that's how you want to play it."

She took a deep breath. There was a pause. Then, "EXCUSE ME!"

The sound burst forth and finally the room stilled. It echoed.

"Ooh, fun! An echo!" Hannah said.

Alexis glared.

"All right," she continued, "We are looking for a large amount of a liquid, flammable substance. Like...oil."

The house-elves were rather quiet. Finally, one walked up to her and said, "I is sorry, miss, but we is not allowed to give flammable substances to students. Something bad happened a little while ago and now everyone is very touchy about it."

The girls stared. Then Hannah let out a hiss.

"Bloody Weasleys. They will pay for this."

"Agreed," Alexis said.

"But for now..." Hannah continued.

"Right," Alexis said, then turned back to the house-elves. "We are sorry to inconvenience you, but it really is quite urgent, not to mention official school business."

"Yeah," Hannah agreed, "You see, there was an accident out by the lake..."

"And now there's a big pile of raisons there..."

"Which, for some reason, due to the botched spell that brought them there..."

"Cannot seem to be gotten rid of..."

"So it was decided that it would be best if..."

"We applied a more hands on approach."

"Ohhh," the elf said knowingly, "Yes, of course, I is getting it for you right away."

The elf turned away and was soon back with about a gallon of...something, supposedly flammable. They didn't inquire too closely. So the girls took their fuel and walked out of the kitchens, back toward their funeral.

"My dear gods, that was fun," Hannah said on the way back.

"I agree!" Alexis exclaimed, "We should lie to and deceive impressionable people more often."

"Yeah," Hannah sighed, "But the opportunity so rarely presents itself."

* * *

Once more, the two girls stood next to a large pile of raisons, this time with a large bucket of liquid next to them. Again, Hannah stepped forward.

"It is with these words," Hannah said, all the while, pouring the liquid over the pile of raisons, "That we commit these bodies to the air."

At that, she again raised her wand and spoke, "Incendio!"

Boom. Big boom. Mushroom cloud boom. Quite impressive. Perhaps even seen from space.

Hannah and Alexis looked on with now blackened faces.

"That," Alexis said, wiping an invisible tear from her eye (and smearing ash in the process), "Was beautiful."

Hannah then looked over her shoulder, to see several people approaching. Minerva McGonagall, Albus Dumbledore, Severus Snape, Flitwick, Binns, Trelawney, etc, etc.

"Oh shit," said Hannah.