Y Nireidi Chanddi

Y Nireidi Chanddi

Chapter Three: Brooms and Boredom

The Gryffindors and Slytherins stood out on the grounds, waiting for Madam Hooch to begin their first flying lesson. Alexis looked over at Hannah, whom she was standing next to.

Alexis put a hand on Hannah's shoulder, she said, "Are you all right?"

Hannah turned her head slowly, not moving any other part of her body, to stare into her friend's eyes, a rather bland, yet slightly hateful look on her face.

"Okay," Alexis admitted, "Stupid question." Tentatively taking her hand from Hannah's shoulder.

Hannah nodded slowly, her head going up and down several times.

"I must be hanging around you too much," Alexis concluded, a thoughtful look on her face.

Hannah thoughtfully, deliberately, and slowly stuck her tongue out at Alexis.

Just then, Madam Hooch arrived.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" she barked, "Everyone stand by a broomstick, hurry up! Stick out your right hand over your broom and say 'up'."

Hannah turned and walked towards the brooms lying on the ground, blowing air out between the space made by her tongue and the roof of her mouth, causing her notable rather disconcerting hissing sound to occur.

Out of all the students, there were only two whose brooms jumped up into their hands immediately. The first was Harry Potter, the second Hannah Lorevin.

"Crap." Hannah commented conversationally.

Alexis looked over, "Crap, indeed," she agreed.

"'Crap indeed'?"

Madam Hooch observed the class with a watchful eye, taking note of who the brooms seemed to like better. When everyone had at last taken hold of his or her broomstick, she began instruction. After everyone was properly mounted, she told them to kick off and hover a few feet above the ground. Neville, feeling rather nervous, pushed off rather hard and was about to go rocketing into the air, when Alexis grabbed him by the collar and yanked him back down.

"That was kind," Hannah commented, "You saved him from a broken wrist. How unusual."

"I think we could use him later," Alexis responded.

"That's my girl," Hannah said proudly.

"I am not your girl," Alexis protested.

"No, ya really are."

"No I'm not."

"Yeah ya are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"Okay, that was just mean. The whole imitating thing? How juvenile."

"Juvenile. You cannot possibly be serious. I am only this juvenile because I was tutored and you are an extraordinary teacher."

"Thank you," Alexis swept a bow.

"You're welcome," Hannah responded cordially.

And that was the end of that argument,

"Lorevin!" Madam Hooch shouted, "Get over here!"

Hannah looked at Madam Hooch for a moment, then decided that it wasn't worth it right then. She could always make the woman's life miserable at a later date. She walked over, carrying her broom in her right hand.

Madam Hooch started talking, telling her that she would be the first to go through a flying obstacle course, quite a simple one, just going through a few hoops and such. Hannah got this in the back of her mind, but she was too busy looking at the height of these hoops. They were very far above the ground. Alexis watched Hannah warily.

When Madam Hooch blew her whistle, Hannah hissed under her breath, started forward, and took off. She ran the course, well, rather perfectly; she swooped, she dived, she swirled, she did curly cues, and finished with a flawless landing.

All the other students looked in awe.

"Okay," Hannah said completely deadpan and dropping her broom, "So never doing that again."

She then proceeded to walk over to Alexis and sit next to her on the lawn.

Madam Hooch looked on in amusement, "I'm afraid I must disagree, with talent like that, you simply can't pass up the Quidditch team. You'd make a wonderful chaser."

"Make me," Hannah said.

Draco looked at his housemate, "What is wrong with you?"

"Oh, nothing," Hannah replied, "It's just that I happen to be, well, deathly afraid of heights. Actually, it's not really the heights part, it's more the falling and crashing with a sickening crunch to the ground as every single one of the bones in my body splinters into a thousand pieces and my head splits open like a banana in an ice cream sundae."

Alexis turned to her friend in admiration, "Nice, great visuals."

Hannah looked at Alexis, a slight grin on her face, "You really think so?"

"Definitely, I don't think I'll be able to eat another banana split sundae."

"You're kidding,"

"Well, yeah, but you did come close, and even that is saying something. It would probably take Godzilla with an appropriately sized nerve disruptor to keep me away from my banana split sundae."

"To tell you the truth, I personally don't think Godzilla would stand a chance, nerve disruptor or not. For one thing, he has terrible aim, and even if he did hit you, you'd probably just keep going."

"Right,"

"And going, and going, and going, and going, and I'm actually going to stop before you hit me this time. Commencing shutting up process."

"There's a process?"

"Yes, and you're interrupting it."

"How did I not know about the process?"

"You're not very observant."

"I'm more observant than you are."

"As if,"

"First of all, you didn't notice when your coat fell off your shoulders in the middle of a rainstorm last winter, and second of all, did I just hear you use the phrase 'as if'?"

"How should I know what you hear?"

"Now you're just being obnoxious."

"It's what I do best."

"No kidding,"

"Twit,"

"Twerp,"

"Twat,"

"Prat,"

"Bitch,"

"Slut,"

"People are looking at us."

"Good for them, they have eyes."

"That just gave me a very unhappy visual."

"Of everyone with their eyes poked out and their eye sockets dripping and bloody? Yeah, me too."

Finally, they turned to the spectators.

"May we help you?" they both said.

"Please don't," Draco replied.

"Oh, yeah, that was original," Hannah began.

"It's only been used two thousand times this millisecond all over the universe," Alexis continued.

"If you're going to be a Malfoy, you should work on your insults," said Hannah.

"They really do need work," Alexis agreed.

"We could actually help you with that,"

"Insult tutorage, for four fifty an hour."

"Four fifty what?" Hannah inquired, "Pounds? Dollars? Euros? Yen? Rupees?"

"Probably galleons," Alexis said.

"Well, that's boring."

"Galleons are boring?"

"Yes, we can't use the accepted form of currency,"

"Well, they could pay us in pudding,"

"Overdone."

"Sexual favors?"

"Unlikely and overdone. And how would you get four fifty of 'em anyway?"

"Point. I know! He can pay us in little golden figurines in the shape of Harley Davidsons!"

"Perfect!" Hannah turned to Draco, "We will give you insult lessons for four fifty little golden figurines in the shape of Harley Davidson's an hour."

"What?" Draco asked sharply.

"It really doesn't matter," Alexis explained.

"We really don't care," Hannah elaborated.

"About you," Alexis said.

"Your insults," Hannah continued.

"Or little golden figurines in the shape of Harley Davidson's," Alexis concluded.

By this point, Madam Hooch had managed to drag the rest of the class away from this rather odd spectacle and back to the flying lesson. It was only after Draco had melded back into to crowd of students that Alexis and Hannah had looked up and noticed something.

"Oh crap," said Hannah.

"We screwed it up," Alexis continued.

"Again", Hannah finished.

"What do we do?" Alexis asked.

At this Hannah looked at Alexis, who immediately made an "O" of her lips in understanding, and nodded. Hannah then proceeded to make her way through the crowd to where Neville was practicing next to Harry Potter. She stood behind him for a few moments, then, discretely, grabbed his remembrall and threw it as hard as she could, over Harry's head, and towards the Forbidden Forest. Of course, Harry was immediately off on his broom to catch it. Hannah wandered back towards Alexis.

"Wow," Alexis commented, "You have a really good arm."

"It's from practicing strangling you in your sleep."

Alexis thought about that for a moment, then said calmly, "Okay,"

"You are far too comfortable with me. I just threatened your life."

"Yeah, but you do that all the time."

"Point. Except that's not the point."

"You just said it was a point. You can't say it was a point and then say that it wasn't a point."

"Sure I can,"

"No you can't, that's the point."

"Wow, we just said the word point a lot in the last few seconds."

"So not the point!"

"Right, the point was that I can contradict myself as many times as I want," as an afterthought, Hannah added, "So there."

"So where?"

"It's an expression."

"I know, I was being obnoxious."

"You're not very good at it."

"That's because that's your job."

"I have a job? Cool."

At that moment, the flying lesson officially ended.

It was the next day, Friday, that Hannah and Alexis truly made their presence known at Hogwarts. It was the afternoon, there were no classes. Hannah and Alexis lay in their dorm room.

"I'm bored," said Hannah.

"It's nice to meet you, Bored," said Alexis.

"Dear gods, I can't believe how extraordinarily not-funny that was."

"I'm desperate, okay? I admit it."

They lay there for several more minutes before continuing.

"We need to do something," Hannah said.

"Yes," agreed Alexis, "but not just anything. We need to do something..."

"Special," the two girls said together.

As their eyes wandered about the room, they passed over what they were wearing, namely, their black robes. Their eyes paused. Grins slowly spread.

Hannah looked at Alexis, "Let's be really cheesy and cliché,"

"Okay!" Alexis responded brightly.

Hannah cleared her throat dramatically, slinked closer to Alexis, and, in a mock whisper, said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I don't know," Alexis continued, wiggling her eyebrows, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I don't know, what are you thinking?"

Then, as one, they exclaimed, "Muggle Dress Day!"

"Wait," Alexis said dauntingly, "Do we have any Muggle clothes?"

"We must," Hannah encouraged, "We just must."

"Well," Alexis said, "We'll just have to hope that the robes that appeared in our suitcases were 'in addition to', as opposed to 'instead of'."

Hannah nodded, then moved over to her suitcase and began rummaging. Alexis soon joined her.

"It's gotta be something really Muggle-y," Hannah reminded.

"Yah huh," Alexis agreed absentmindedly, then exclimed, "Hah!"

She pulled from her suitcase a pair of low-cut, hip-hugger blue jeans, a white sparkly rhinestone belt, and a light blue shirt with the words 'I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter' written in dark navy letters.

A moment later, Hannah also exclaimed, "Hah!"

She pulled out a black mini skirt with a slit up the left side and a red sparkly spaghetti-strap tank top with the words 'Patron goddess of the tramps' written in bold black letters.

Alexis paused for a moment, then said, "Where in the name of all gods, past, present, and future, did you get that? And why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you show me? Why wasn't I there in the first place?"

"Well," Hannah said, "I only got it a little while before we left. I didn't want to take it out, in case Mother-Dear freaked. I was going to show you on the train, but things got complicated."

"No, d'ya think?" Alexis said, then quickly continued, "Okay, you're forgiven. For now."

"Thank you so very much. You're so generous," Hannah said in a monotone.

The two girls began to change, then Hannah stopped, shouting, "Wait! We need to do something first!"

"Oh, right," Alexis said, "Announcements. Before you can have a holiday, you have to announce the holiday."

They paused. Then, in unison, they shouted, "To the library!"

They were halfway down the hall towards their destination, when they skidded to a halt.

"We are such idiots," said Alexis.

"Let's call it temporary stupidity," suggested Hannah.

"Right," Alexis agreed.

Then, again in unison, they shouted, "To Hermione!"

Then they ran down the hall towards Gryffindor Tower.

Shortly thereafter, they were standing in front of the Fat Lady.

"What's the password, again?" Alexis muttered.

"Uh, something animal-y, wasn't it?"

"Animal-y?"

"Yeah. Something having to do with an animal."

"Okay then. Was it a lion, Gryffindor lion and all that crap?"

"I don't think so,"

"Well, what kind of animal was it?"

"I don't know."

"Big? Little? Green? Blue? Ugly? Not-so ugly? Fangs? Feathers? Furs? Claws? Scales?"

"Okay, you need to stop now. I think...it was something pink."

"Pink? Okey dokey. What sound does it make?"

"Why do you keep on asking me?"

"Cause you remember stupid shit like this."

"Thanks, I feel really helpful now."

"Okay, maybe, stupid was a little strong. Well, are we talking meow? Woof? Squeak?"

"Have you ever seen a pink cat, dog or mouse?"

"I saw a pink mouse once."

"Yeah, so have I, it was a squeaky rubber thing my cat chewed up."

"Poor mousy,"

"Anyway, I think it was a boink."

"A boink. Ya sure it was an animal?"

"Yeah, I'm su... Pig Snout! Pig Snout! Pig Snout!"

The Fat Lady's portrait swung open.

"Pig Snout," Alexis said.

"Yeah," Hannah agreed.

"Pig Snout," Alexis repeated, "Somehow, in your mind, Pig Snout is connected to pink and boink."

"I think I was going for oink."

Alexis just stared at her, then closed her eyes, shaking her head lightly, then took her friend by the arm, and walked inside. When they did so, the temperature in the Gryffindor Common Room dropped to what chemists like to call 'absolute zero'.

"Ah, hi," Hannah said, "May we please speak to Miss Hermione Granger?"

"Real smooth, Hannah," Alexis commented dryly.

"Hey, I'm proud of myself, I didn't use any profanity at all!"

Alexis turned to the Gryffindors, "So, anyway, is she here?"

"And that was smooth?"

"Note the lack of 'ah' and 'hi'."

"Stuck up bitch,"

"I seem to recall a certain moment when you refused to speak with a boy in your class because he pronounced 'either' 'eether'. So you're not one to talk."

"I am too one to talk! And, besides, that was really annoying."

Then they noticed the Gryffindors again.

"Hermione?" Hannah reminded them.

"Granger?" Alexis added.

"The little smart ass with the bushy hair that could be really pretty if she decided to brush it once and a while?"

"The one who is badly in need of orthodontia?"

"The one with a book permanently stuck up her butt?"

"The one who needs glasses just because she's one of those people?"

Not surprisingly, due to Gryffindor feelings of bravery, self-sacrifice, and camaraderie, no one told them where Hermione Granger was. This annoyed the girls immensely.

"Fine then," Hannah said haughtily, "We'll just stay here,"

"What?" Fred Could-Have-Been-George Weasley said.

Alexis and Hannah turned to Fred Could-Have-Been-George Weasley and did their best imitation of a second grade school teacher.

"This," Alexis began, "Is the Gryffindor Common Room."

"Hermione is a Gryffindor," Hannah said.

"She should be a Ravenclaw."

"Let's not go into that right now,"

"Okay, anyway, because she is a Gryffindor, in order to either enter her bedroom..."

"Or leave her bedroom to go anywhere else..."

"She must pass through, said, Gryffindor Common Room."

They smiled.

"But you can't stay here all the time," Lavender Brown said, "You'll have to go to classes,"

"Ever heard of skipping?" Hannah inquired.

"What about sleeping?" Alicia Spinet pushed.

"You've never slept on a couch?" Alexis asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, you'll at least have to go to the lavatory," Katie Bell said incredulously.

"We have excellent self control," Hannah stated.

Just then, Hermione, Harry, and Ron entered the Common Room.

"Hah!" Alexis said, "Just the dame we've been lookin' for!"

Hermione blanched and looked as though she was contemplating running in the opposite direction. In that split second, Alexis and Hannah each grabbed one of her arms and escorted her in the opposite direction, leaving the Common Room and closing the portrait behind them.

"We need your help," Hannah said.

"We want to write something, in big, gigantic letters, in the sky above the school. Can you do that?"

"Well," Hermione said, "No,"

"Could you figure out how to do that?" Hannah pressed.

"Perhaps," Hermione admitted.

"I'm thinking more probably than perhaps," Alexis said confidently.

"Right then," Hannah said, "You figure out how to do that, we'll meet you in an hour, and, if you don't, we'll tell everyone that your father's a cross dresser."

This statement shocked Hermione into silence and, as she stood there, with her mouth half open, she began to actually look at the two Americans.

"What are you wearing?" she asked.

"Usually clothes," Alexis answered, "Today is no exception."

Hermione was busy looking at Hannah's red and black ensemble. Hannah looked back.

"Like you've never seen the word 'tramp' before,"

"Not on a pre-teen, no," Hermione answered.

"Shut up," Hannah responded.

Alexis sighed, "Please excuse her, that's still kind of a sore spot."

Now, Hermione is not usually one to be intimidated, but she figured that even if she did help them, no teacher, except for maybe Snape, would hold her responsible. And, besides, the teachers were a lot less scary than these two anyway. She had the spell ready in fifty-seven minutes.

Alexis and Hannah stood outside, looking up and admiring their handiwork.

Announcement: For all Hogwarts students, Fridays are now Muggle dress days. Have fun!

And that was only the beginning! (Sorry, we couldn't resist)