Y Nireidi Chanddi

The Chapter-In-The-Name-of-Spain!

Previously on Babylo-wait, wrong show-The Two Girls Fic (because we can't remember how to spell our own title):

"Oh shit," said Hannah.

And now on to your regularly scheduled program.

Exactly five point twelve minutes later, our beloved heroines were sitting across from headmaster Dumbledore in his office. His expression was rather exasperated, if amused. He was speaking in a rather exasperated-if-amused tone. He was lecturing quite extensively about the danger to students as a result of large explosions, the danger to house elves as a result of flying raisons, and the danger to a certain Miss Lorevin and Miss Catzaw as a result of Professor Snape's wrath.

Hannah and Alexis weren't listening, though through no fault of their own. They were heavily distracted by their studious examination of Professor Dumbledore's nose. How could it possibly have grown that way? What stories could lay behind the quite obviously broken and unhealed facial feature? Why had he never gotten it fixed? Hell, even Muggles had cosmetic surgery.

"Are you listening to me, young ladies?"

"Not in the slightest."

"Well, at least you're honest," Dumbledore replied with a chuckle.

Alexis sighed. "Could you please at least cut to the chase already? Exactly how many points are we losing and exactly how many weeks of detention do we got? Before you answer, please be aware that we have no intention of showing up for those detentions. Unless they're with Professor Snape."

"Well first," the headmaster said, "I'd like you to answer a few questions."

"Shoot," said Hannah.

"What on earth possessed you to make a bomb out of raisons?"

"We weren't trying to make a bomb," Hannah explained, "It just sorta turned out that way."

"Ah," Dumbledore commented.

"You see," Alexis began.

"We were really just being good citizens," Hannah continued.

"We were putting the raisons out of their misery,"

"God bless their souls, it really was a horrid existence."

"We were also saving the school from having to eat them."

"You really ought to give us a public service award. I mean, you gave one to Tom Riddle, so we should definitely get one."

"We haven't killed anyone since breakfast."

"The whole situation has really turned out quite well."

"Good for the school..."

"Good for the students..."

"Good for the house elves..."

"Good for the raisons," Hannah finished triumphantly.

"Not so good for you," Dumbledore finished even more triumphantly. The girls wondered how such a sadist could ever have been a Gryffindor.

The headmaster leaned forward onto his desk and said, "I have one more question. Exactly what do you know about Mister Tom Riddle?"

"Oh shit," Hannah said, yet again.

Alexis blinked once and then said, "That his middle name was Marvolo?"

Off to the side, Hannah muttered, "And if you switch the letters around you get 'I am Lord Voldemort'...?"

Alexis glanced at her quickly and muttered, "Didn't need to say that, didn't need to say that, really, really, really, didn't need to say that."

"Quite extraordinary," Dumbledore continued, "That Muggle-borns such as yourself could be so...un-ignorant about such things."

"Un-ignorant?" Hannah said, "Is that even a word, or did you invent it?"

"I don't think it's a word," Alexis picked it up, "How would you spell it? U-N-I don't exactly work together in that order."

"I think we should look it up," Hannah said, standing.

"I'll go get a dictionary," Alexis said, joining her.

"Sit. Back. Down." Dumbledore said.

They sat back down; the headmaster could be a little scary.

"And most people think that the sadistic bastards all end up in Slytherin," Hannah commented dryly.

"It's a misconception I thrive on," Dumbledore drawled.

Alexis and Hannah sighed in unison, then leaned forward onto the desk, mimicking Dumbledore.

"We'll tell ya what," Hannah said.

"You leave us alone for now,"

"We help ya out every once in a while,"

"And we tell you everything end of this year."

"Deal?"

Dumbledore leaned back thoughtfully, a small voice in the back of his mind wondering loudly why he was negotiating with a couple of eleven year old girls.

"I'll take that under consideration. In the mean time, five hundred points from Slytherin, you are confined to your common room when not in class or meals, and if you ever do something like this again, you will sent back to wherever it was you came from."

"No detention with Snape?" Alexis asked in a baby voice.

"That's rather disappointing," Hannah added.

"You may go now, the Halloween feast is about to begin."

"What? We just had breakfast!" Hannah exclaimed.

"That was several hours ago."

"How did that happen?" Hannah asked.

"The fourteenth right!" Alexis said pointedly, somewhat louder than necessary. She clenched her fist as she said it.

Hannah patted her on the head. "Stop looming, darling, small people loom poorly."

* * *

They were in the Great Hall, sitting at the Slytherin table, the feast was about to begin.

"All right," Hannah whispered, "Let's review the plan."

""I don't quite recall us making a plan," Alexis replied.

"We didn't," Hannah agreed.

"But wouldn't the term 'review' insinuate that it had been viewed at least once before?"

Hannah tilted her head and glared at Alexis from under her eyelashes, then she spoke. "Remember that time that you had set the record for the stupidest question ever asked?"

"Yeah,"

"Someone's beat you."

"Really? Who?"

"You."

"Wouldn't that mean I still hold the record, so I am unbeaten?"

"Are you going for world champion?"

"The plan...?"

"Right. As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, when Quirrell comes in, does his big 'ooh I'm so weak, fainty, fainty' act, we slip under the table, crawl to the teacher's table, and follow Snape out the back door."

"Is 'fainty' a word?"

"Undefeated Universal champion! Now focus!"

"I get it, I get it. This way we get to see the deleted scene of Snape, Quirrell, and the big red dog."

"Red?"

"Are you trying to take my title?"

"Couldn't if I tried, I admitted defeat years ago, darling."

"Besides, its eyes are a little bloodshot."

"Sure."

"There's a troll in the dungeons! A troll! A troll! A troooooollll-ah!"

"That's our cue."

They dropped to the floor.

True to their word, they did try to follow Professor Severus Snape. Try being the operative word. Who'd 'a thought that a spy would be good at being discreet?

"Hannah?" Alexis said, "You got us lost. This is like that time you got us lost walking home from downtown...but worse."

"This is nothing like that time! Then I actually knew where I was!"

"Oh. Comforting."

"Besides, don't go blaming me, I didn't know I was the one leading here."

"You're legs are three inches longer, you're always leading!"

"Well, we can't be that lost. We're still in the castle, aren't we?"

"One: we've already established that the castle is at least several dozen square miles. Two: Would you like to lay bets on that? This is what trashy romance novelists like to call pitch black. I can't see a floor. I can't see walls. I can't see a ceiling. I'm not totally convinced that I'm still inside."

"Maybe you ought to get your eyes checked," Hannah suggested innocently.

"Can you see the walls?"

"No, but I know I'm blind."

"Yeah, so do I, but I ain't this blind."

"I think we're just gonna have to deal with the situation."

"Deal with the situation? What does that mean?"

"It's late, we're not getting back to our dorm room (sorry Dumbledore), I think we better settle down for the night."

Several hours later, they were still walking blindly and still arguing at the tops of their voices.

"I really think we should try and get some sleep," said Hannah.

"I am not sleeping on the ground."

"Floor."

"We don't know that!" Alexis exploded, "For all we know we're in the fucking woods!"

"Wouldn't we see moonlight then?"

"Have you ever been in a forest?"

Hannah looked at where she thought Alexis was. "No, I have never been in a forest. Have you ever known me to be in a forest? Have you ever known me to be in a wood? Have you ever known me to be in any place that might be considered the great outdoors?"

With each sentence, Hannah's voice had increased in volume. It echoed off what apparently were walls.

"Okay," Alexis said, "So we're inside."

"I told you that three hours ago!"

"How do you know it was three hours ago?"

"I was guessing, I'm good at that."

"Wait! I see light!"

"'And the LORD said 'let there be light!', and there was light. And the light said, 'am I good, LORD?' And the LORD said, 'Thou art good!'"

"Are you done yet?"

"Yeah, I think I'm good."

They walked toward the light. Something we recommend you don't do while in a coma, for all our unconscious readers out there.

"Don't go towards the light, whatever you do, don't follow the light!" Alexis muttered fervently in a slightly wispy voice.

They reached the lit crack, which fortunately was connected to a door, they opened the door.

"Okay," Hannah said, "It was more than three hours."

"Yeah, more like eight."

It was daylight.

They walked out onto the roof, finding themselves near one of the higher battlements of the castle.

Alexis stepped out and looked around. Hannah didn't leave the doorway.

There were people on the Quidditch pitch. Alexis looked down.

"Hey, there's a stick over here!"

"That's nice," Hannah still didn't leave the doorway.

Light bulb moment.

Alexis grabbed the stick, jumped up on one of the battlements and placed the stick firmly on the stone.

"Aw don't do that," Hannah said.

Grinning wickedly, Alexis cried out in her battlefield voice, loud enough to be clearly heard all over the grounds:

"I claim this rock in the name of Spain! And I shalt call it: Rock-In-The-Name-of-Spain!"

Hannah let out a chuckle, and finally moved onto the roof. Fear could be conquered in order to see the faces of the people on the ground. This was too good to miss.

Then Hannah let out, not quite as loud, she didn't have Alexis' lung capacity, but people were paying attention now:

"We are agents of the Spanish throne, after several hundred years we have finally managed to conquer the British Isle. All hail Ferdinand and Isabella!"

"And if you don't they shall throw you to the hands of the Inquisition, because they get bored on Tuesdays!"

"At this very moment, our legions are converging on lizard back!"

"It's much warmer in Spain, you know, they grow rather big. Much more efficient than horses."

"They have been ordered to attack from North, South, East, West, North-West, South-West, North-East, South-East, North-South, and East-West!"

"Not to mention West-East and South-North!"

"Do you hear them? No, of course not, because they're not here yet!"

"Did we mention they could fly?"

"Winged lizards, not to be confused with dragons!"

"They're much smarter than dragons!"

"Except for on Fridays when they break for Lent!"

"In honor of King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella!"

"Even though they're supposed to be anti-Semitic!"

"I don't think they know that Lent is Jewish!"

Madam Hooch cried out, "Someone get those lunatics down from there!"

"No! Anyone who tries to enter this sovereign colony of Spain is required to pay toll of..."

"Four hundred and eighty two point seven six...fingernails!"

"We'll take toenails if you're out of fingernails!"

"Or whole fingers!"

"Or whole toes!"

"Well we gotta eat something up here, we're starvin' and have no natural resources!"

"Trust Spain to pick a bad location!"

"But the view's great!"

Finally, someone did come to get them down. And they were brought down, kicking and screaming the whole way.

"Stop! Blasphemy! I'm taking this up with the embassy! And the church! Because we always take things up with the church!" they cried in unison.

"Wait!" Alexis cried, "We haven't insulted the Muslims, Asians, Africans, Native Americans, or the French!"

"How the hell did we miss the French?!"

"French: check!"

For the second time in two days, they found themselves in Dumbledore's office, at the wrong end of a lecture. This time about lack of self-control.

"I thought you would at least last a week, you didn't even last twenty four hours."

"We got lost,"

"We were tired."

"And hungry."

"And insanely bored."

"I'll agree with the insane part," Dumbledore inserted.

"But it was so much fun! Would you believe us if we said we weren't in control of our actions at the time?"

"Temporary insanity in court is defined as not being able to tell the difference between right and wrong." Hannah explained.

"We were definitely in that place," Alexis nodded once, firmly.

Suddenly Hannah exclaimed, "Dammit! We left out the Italians and the Russian!"

"Uhh, you didn't hear that," Alexis said to Dumbledore.

"Another four hundred points."

"What is Slytherin at now? Negative five hundred and forty?"

"Also, I've noticed that you seem to be rather liberal when it comes to taking points away, but rather frugal when it comes to handing them out."

"Five freaking points for knocking out a troll!"

"Uhhh, you didn't hear that, either," Hannah said.

Dumbledore sighed, shook his head slightly, "You're still not going to tell me what's going on, are you?"

"Well, you see," said Alexis, "We would, really, but we fear that there may be some consequences in the time-space continuum."

"Seeing as time is circular, there are these things that have already happened that haven't happened yet."

"Something that us revealing this information at this point in the hula-hoop could cause us to break the circular-ness of it all."

"It makes a lot more sense when explained in a three-dimensional, digital, interactive multi-media presentation, made with Microsoft PowerPoint© on a very good computer."

"Hey! If we do that for extra credit, could we get our - what are we up to, nine hundred? - points back?"

Dumbledore blinked. "I don't have any idea what you just said, please be kind enough to leave my office. Now."

They didn't need to be told twice.

"So is that a yes or a no?"

"Now!"

Okay, maybe they did need to be told twice.

* * *

After the Spain Incident (patent pending), the girls were even more well known around the school than they previously had been. Take that Fucking Famous Harry Potter (patent also pending).

Draco Malfoy stopped them in the hall on their way to breakfast that morning of the first Quidditch match.

"Aren't you going to the Quidditch game?"

"No," they said.

"But don't you want to see if your house wins?"

"No," they said again.

"Don't you care if we win the Quidditch cup?"

"No," they said, "See a pattern?"

"Where's your school spirit?"

"In the toilet, along with our house points. Note the negative numbers."

"And whose fault is that?" Draco said pointedly.

"Ours, note the location of our school spirit." Hannah said.

"We tried to get them back, really, we only asked for nine hundred, but they won't let us order a computer out here." Alexis said.

"A what?"

Hannah opened her mouth. Then paused. "No. Too much work. Too early in the morning."

"Forget about it," Alexis added.

* * *

Note from the authors: we figured out that by the end, this fic will be over eight hundred chapters long. Therefore, we are skipping to Christmas. That previous scene back there, maybe you know the one, yeah, that was November.

On with the show!

* * *

There were sounds from the common room. Laughter, music, wrapping paper being ripped to shreds, and fat people stuffing their faces with things that were either too sweet or too salty. Alexis and Hannah were in bed. Their eyes were closed, but they were not sleeping.

"Why," asked Hannah, "Do wizards celebrate Christmas? It doesn't make any sense."

"Bah humbug," was the reply.

"Why does no one celebrate Chanukah, or Kwanzaa, or, or the Winter Solstice, which would actually make sense."

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Past," was the next reply.

"Why does every room have a Christmas tree?"

"Oh look, I am touched to see my childhood replayed before me," the third reply.

"You can't go anywhere without running into the sickening colors of red and green."

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Present. Oh, look how mean you are to your family and other people's families."

"Hey, those are Gryffindor and Slytherin colors, it's probably a conspiracy to perpetuate the house rivalry."

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Future. You are going to die a horrible, horrible death and go to Hell."

"Though that doesn't explain why they had to play Christmas music since December first."

"Oh look, I've been spared, I am redeemed, I'm going to be a good person from now on. Watch my heart grow three sizes and break the little measuring device."

"You just skipped from A Christmas Carol to How The Grinch Stole Christmas."

"Bah humbug."