Harry Potter and the Chocolate Factory

Chapter Nine

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

They'd discovered a new use for their wands. Poking.

Stop sniggering now. It wasn't in any way meant to be a lewd or suggestive statement.

Thank you.

With their magic on the fritz and no weapons at hand (McGonagall wasn't sharing), the group of wizards caught in the candy room were reduced to stabbing at the oozy black monsters with the tips of their wands. It worked in a half-assed sort of way - at least the monsters would temporarily recoil, blinking their beady yellow eyes and snarling, before regrouping for another attack.

Still - "We have to think of a more permanent solution!" Tonks called, jabbing out at yet another leering head with gaping mouth and shark-like teeth.

"Come to Mumsie, l'il poopsies!" Hagrid cajoled. "Come let me cuddle you!"

"Yes, listen to him," Snape urged the creatures. He wasn't being attacked quite as regularly as most of the others were - his greasy hair seemed to repel them. He hovered protectively close to Narcissa, although not so close that he was in danger of being eaten should one of the monsters make a serious attempt to devour her.

"Can't you do anything about these beasts, Hagrid?" Kingsley called from behind the rapidly disintegrating walls of his candy fortress. Greyback, who was determined to claim what little there was left of it, bit him in the foot. Kingsley cast an anguished look at McGonagall, who was trying to shoot a monster with the holster of a Glock.

"I can pet them and love them an' call them Mumfred," replied Hagrid brightly.

"Not exactly what I had in mind. Why don't you kill them and maim them and call them dead meat?"

"That I will not!" replied Hagrid firmly. "Why, they're highly misunderstood an' useful beasties!"

"Useful?" Tonks jabbed at another pair of snapping jaws. "How are they useful?"

"Well. . . they can spell."

"Neville Longbottom can spell," Snape retorted. "That does not make him useful."

"Longbottom can spell?" asked McGonagall, dumbfounded.

"Short words, like 'cat' and 'food' and 'meat.' And dirty ones too, like 'fornication' and 'sodomy' and -- "

"Shut up," Bellatrix advised.

"That's two words; it's probably beyond him."

"Look, can we discuss Longbottom's abilities later?" Tonks yelled. A beast had caught her wand in its jaws and she was now involved in a desperate game of tug-of-war for its possession. "Like, maybe some time when our lives aren't in danger?"

"Aww, lookee at it playin' with ya, God bless it!"

"Hagrid," said Tonks between her teeth, "it's not playing with me. It wants to eat me."

"Surely not!" he scoffed. Then all of a sudden, he reconsidered. "Oh, yah, Vermicious Knids do eat people from time to time."

"Vermicious Knids?" asked Sirius.

"Yah. These little lovelies." Hagrid cast an expression of deep adoration on the monster that was attempting to chew off his arm. "They're from Loompaland."

"Loompaland? There's no such place," scoffed Kingsley, popping his head up from behind the jagged rock candy-lined walls of his fort.

"'Course there is."

"Hagrid, my father was a teacher of geography -- "

"Oh, then he'll have told you all about it and what a wonderful place it is," said Hagrid, eyes brightening. "A desolate waste filled with large an' vicious - I mean interestin' - creatures."

"Sounds delightful," muttered Kingsley, flinching as a Knid took a mouthful out of his fort.

"Sounds like Malfoy Manor's garden," said Narcissa, wrinkling her nose. A Knid leered up her skirt, and then when she poked at it, tried to bite her wand in two. This recalled her to their predicament. "Anyone come up with a brilliant plan yet?"

"Feed them something poisonous," suggested Bellatrix.

"Great idea. Jump down the nearest throat." Sirius smirked.

"Very funny, Cousin Snuffed It."

"No, it's not a bad idea!" said Snape in tone of sudden inspiration. "Only not Bellatrix -- "

Voldemort burst into tears. "You're all so meeeeaaaan to me!" he wailed, bobbing precariously close to a Knid's head The Knid took in Voldemort's pale, fishy skin, almost visibly thinking to itself: Am I really that hungry?

"No, not you either! The twins!"

"Eh?" Fred and George paused in their cavorting. "No thanks, pal," said Fred, "I like having my limbs attached to my body. Makes it easier to pick my nose and wipe my bum and things like that."

"Besides, we're not so very poisonous," explained George. "Ron used to lick us all the time and he's still alive."

Snape came up with five or six responses to that information, threw them all away, and said instead: "I don't mean to feed you to the Knids anyway. I was thinking about your candy."

They looked stupid. "Our candy?"

"Yes! You brought some with you, didn't you?"

"Yes, but -- "

"Feed it to the Knids!" Snape commanded.

"But we brought it to show Willy Wonka!" they wailed.

"If we don't do something about the Knids, there won't be a you left to show him anything!"

"Maybe they'll eat all you guys first and get full and leave us alone."

Snape gestured around the room. "How many Knids are there?"

"Err. . . "

"And how many of us are there?"

"Wait! I was still working on the first question!" cried Fred.

"They don't teach arithmetic at Hogwarts, you know," George complained.

"You don't need arithmetic to see there are a whole lot of big, hungry Knids, do you?" Snape shouted. "What are the odds that they'll not be able to eat all of us?"

"Oh, so now it's statistics," groused George.

"Maybe if we worked it out on a piece of parchment. . . " Fred began rummaging through his pockets.

"They'll have the appetite! They'll eat all of us! Now hurry up and feed them the candy!" Tonks shrieked.

"But. . . " A Knid loomed over him, drooling, and Fred capitulated with a sigh. "Well, all right."

"Excellent!" Snape's eyes glittered as each of the twins took a paper sack from their back pocket. He'd confiscated many such bags during Potions class, and he had a vague idea of the ingredients that went into a Weasley sweet. If this didn't take care of the Knids, probably nothing in the room would -- except for perhaps a truly monumental eruption from Bellatrix. But none of them would survive that.

"Here goes," said Fred mournfully, flipping a small pink blob into the air. It glittered for a moment before being snapped up by a pair of hungry jaws. The wizards braced themselves.

The Knid didn't seem to even notice the sweet going down. But it noticed the effects.

It grew long, soft, silky pink fur all over its body. A set of eyelashes, thick as the legs of a tarantula, sprouted around its yellow eyes. Then it grew a pair of pouty red lips.

The Knid looked down at itself and let out an ear-splitting shriek of outrage. With one lash of its tail, it demolished Kingsley's fort.

"Oh, brilliant!" cried Kingsley, huddling in the wreckage. Greyback tried to hide behind his legs.

"That was a Girly Gummi," said Fred.

"Interesting effect." George made some notes.

"Never mind that! Try another!"

"Doing it!" George tossed a bright red cube. Another Knid snapped it up. It paused a moment, smacking its lips, then let out a squeal of delight, raced over to the ruins of Kingsley's fort, hoisted him out of the rubble, and planted a wet kiss on his face.

"Urrrghhh!" cried Kingsley.

"Wow!" exclaimed Fred, watching. "What was that?"

"Some Friendly Fudge." Then George frowned and peered into his bag. "Or was it a Love Lozenge?"

"It's trying to make out with me!" cried Kingsley.

"Love Lozenge, then," agreed the twins. They made notes.

"Why Kingsley? Why not me?" Hagrid jumped up and down. "Don't ya love me, boopsies?"

"Throw more candy!" shouted Tonks. The pink Knid was trying to eat her. It was one unhappy monster, and even Hagrid didn't seem to find it adorable.

"Okay. . . how about this?"

Crunch. A Knid began smelling of freshly crushed peppermint candy. It licked itself experimentally and seemed to find the taste agreeable.

"Hmmm. . . this?"

Snap. The next Knid put the end of its tail in its mouth and began rolling around the room.

"Cool. Well, what about this?"

Chomp. A Knid began bouncing around like a giant rubber band.

"What the blazes is going on here?" Snape demanded. "Aren't these candies a little tame compared to your usual?" He should know. He remembered one particular week where he'd had a student explode almost every class thanks to Weasley inventions. Disgusting, although it had added a pleasing touch of slime to the décor.

"It's our Fluffy Bunny Happy do-Niceness line," explained Fred, flipping another sweet. A Knid sprouted pointed ears and whiskers and began purring. "We didn't want to show Mr. Wonka anything nasty."

Snape's stomach roiled at the description. "I think he may have preferred nasty. I certainly do."

"That's not what you said when I was handing out the Super Bogey Creams in class that one day," Fred reminded him.

Well, come to that, Snape was just as happy not to see a bunch of Knids running around with snotty noses. "What about your Lemony Landmines? Your Calamity Creams? Do you mean to tell me you don't have a single lethal candy with you today?"

"Well, there's a small possibility that any of our candies can be lethal -- "

"Not so small, really."

"But today we only brought along the ones that we thought were safe."

"But we can't stop the Knids with Fluffy Bunny goodness!" protested Tonks. Her arm was getting awfully sore from the tug-of-war over her wand. "Can we?"

"Sure we can, snookums," responded Fred cheerfully. "We'll just make the Knids so nice that they won't want to eat us!"

"Ewww!" sneered Bellatrix.

"But they won't be interestin' no more then!" Hagrid cried.

"I always suspected it was the nasty, man-eating side of monsters he liked," muttered Snape.

"If the man had a brain, he'd make a splendid Death Eater," Narcissa agreed.

The twins limbered up. They appeared to have really taken a fancy to feeding candy to Knids. A rain of sweets showered through the air. All around, jaws with long fangs snapped and crunched. Tonks sighed with relief as the Knid she was battling abandoned her wand to catch a shiny green gumball. Another stood on its tail to swallow a shiny purple pastille. One crunched up a red-and-white candy that reminded them uncomfortably of Harry Potter.

And things began happening. Nice things. Sweet, gentle things. A halo shone over the head of one Knid and it sprouted tiny, precious wings. Another Knid puffed up and turned plaid. It lay quietly on the floor, as if waiting for an enormous Scotsman to come up and start playing 'Amazing Grace' on its tail.

The one that had eaten the red-and-white striped candy began bah-ing. It sprouted a tuft of messy black hair and they had the uncomfortable feeling that its eyes had turned green. It left the group of wizards and wandered off down the corridor in search of pig.

"Wow, Harry's used socks are potent!" exclaimed Fred.

"We do not want to know the list of ingredients!"

"Hey, be grateful," said George. "Initially Fred wanted to use Harry's old -- "

"Just shut your mouth and keep the candy coming!" snarled Snape.

"Calm down. There's only one Knid left."

Snape, startled, glanced around the room. It was true. All the Knids except for one were involved in some gentle, happy, sweet activity. Well, except for the pink Knid which was still on a rampage and Kingsley's Knid which was just being. . . disturbing.

"And only one sweet, too," sighed George. He gazed at it reluctantly, a perfectly round, extremely blue candy, succulent and almost shimmering in the bright overhead light. The last Knid took advantage of the lull in the proceedings to grab hold of Narcissa's long blonde hair.

"Stop standing around!" she shrieked. "Throw the candy!"

"But we'll have nothing to show. . . oh, very well." George heaved a final deep sigh. The blue sweet ascribed an arc in the air. The Knid caught it between its jaws. It swallowed.

It belched.

"Thank ya very much," it mumbled, suddenly standing up on its rear end. Shiny black hair appeared on its head. It curled its lip in a sultry sneer.

"That thing looks familiar," said Tonks, staring at the creature. It stood up on its tail and began to wiggle. No, gyrate.

"Don't be cruel to a heart that's true," it crooned, "no, don't be cruel to a heart that's true."

"Ugh!" said Bellatrix, McGonagall, and Snape simultaneously.

"Ugh what?" asked Tonks. "Can't you see? It's turned into Elvis!"

Every wizard present gave her a baffled look.

"Oh, never mind. He was a famous Muggle singer, but -- "

"That's singing?" asked McGonagall in disbelief.

"My husband used to listen to his music," said Narcissa grimly. "It's one of the things I've never forgiven him for."

"I kind of like it," said Voldemort, his feet at last settling back onto the ground. He stared at the Knid, thinking that he was going to have to try that hip-swiveling thing the next time he gave a speech in front of the Death Eaters.

Meanwhile: "Get this Knid off me!" Kingsley cried. "It's trying to give me tongue!"

"Oops," said Fred. "Maybe it wasn't a Love Lozenge after all. . . "

George looked grim. "You don't think it could have been. . . ?"

". . . a Sexy Sweet?" Fred gazed at Kingsley, entangled in the Knid's loving coils. "Well, it seems desperate for. . . hmm. . . shall we say 'more than merely spiritual affection'?"

The twins gazed into each other's eyes.

"Definitely a Sexy Sweet," said George.

"I think so too," agreed Fred.

They made notes.

* * * * *

"Don't be cruel to a heart that's true! Don't be cruel, to a heart that's true -- "

"Wow!" Mr. Wonka goggled. "He turned into Elvis! I never expected that! Boy, oh, boy, is this going to be a top seller! I wonder how long the effects last?"

"Hopefully not too long at all," said Lucius distastefully. "I despise the paunch."

"I'm more disgusted by the crotch waggling," said Lupin, averting his eyes. Harry didn't seem to agree - the little lad's eyes were fixed to Dumbledore's nether region, as if entranced.

Dumbledore broke off his crooning. "I feel so funky!" he announced brightly. He patted his slick gray pompadour to make sure all the hairs were in place. "Although I could really go for a big, juicy hamburger right about now. . . "

"He would have to turn into fat old Elvis," sniffed Draco. "He could at least have turned into the sexy young one."

"You find young Elvis sexy, son?" Lucius asked suspiciously.

"Errr. . . "

"Well, I find it a great improvement," announced Petunia, who had harbored a deep crush on Elvis during her youth.

"Does that mean you'll shag me?" asked Dumbledore hopefully.

"Certainly not! I'm a married woman, and as the boy pointed out, you did turn into fat old Elvis."

Dumbledore sulked. "Blast! I thought I was in there. It's been a while since I've done the happy heffalump, if you know what I'm saying."

Everyone quickly searched out a place to vomit.

Lupin really wanted to tell Dumbledore to shut up and never breathe a word on the subject again -- but he sensed that everyone would jump all over his relationship with Tonks again if he did. So instead he asked Willy Wonka: "Do you think it's safe to resume the tour yet?"

"No. Let's test more candy." With a fanatical gleam in his eye, the great candy-maker shook a box of chocolates that would have looked alluring under any other circumstance.

"If the Knids can devour people in sixteen seconds flat -- "

"Fifteen," corrected Draco, who had a good memory for this sort of detail.

"All right, fifteen - then surely they've disposed of the intruders by now."

"Yes, but they'll want to lounge about belching and picking their teeth for a while." Willy Wonka shook the box again. "We have time."

Lupin sighed. Mr. Wonka had really been galvanized by Dumbledore's transformation into Elvis. No doubt he was just itching to see what other remarkable effects his new candy could have. "No more experiments."

"But I might be able to turn somebody into Jesus!" cried Mr. Wonka, the light of a true fanatic shining in his face.

"Don't even go there," Lupin told him, taking the candy box out of his hand and setting on the desk.

"I don't see why we have to resume the tour anyway," groused Draco, oblivious to the prior exchange - perhaps the Malfoys had never heard of Jesus. "I'm the only one of the ticket finders left. Don't I get a special prize?"

"I'm here!" squealed Harry indignantly, snapping out of his Dumbledore-crotch-induced trance. "Don't count me out just because I'm small!"

"I never counted you 'in' in the first place," replied Draco, yawning arrogantly. "You're not that important."

"Right! I'll do you for that, mate!" Little Harry rushed over and commenced a furious attack on Draco's shoe. Unimpressed, Draco set his foot over him.

"One small step and it would be all over."

"Don't do it, son," cautioned Lucius. "Think of the smell."

"No, no, I wasn't going to." Draco looked at Mr. Wonka. "So what about it? Do I win the big prize?"

"Test candy! Test candy!" Mr. Wonka giggled creepily.

"What a fun afternoon this is turning out to be," drawled Lucius. "I think Azkaban was safer."

"Don't worry, Pop. You'll be sent back there soon en--yowch!" Draco leapt three feet into the air, yelping all the way. Tiny Harry spat out a mouthful of leather and rubber from the sole of Draco's shoe, looking quite demented.

"BAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!" he shrieked triumphantly, drawing himself up and pounding on his chest.

"He bit me!" squealed Draco, dancing up and down on one leg. "He chewed straight through my shoe and bit me! Oh, the germs! The germs!"

"Don't come near me, Kreckor. I don't want to catch anything Potter-related."

"It's Draco! Draco! Oh, my foot, my foot, my foot!"

"Bah! Bah!" Harry seemed excited enough to defecate on the floor to mark his victory. Fortunately, Lupin caught him up and deposited him in the candy box before he could embark upon that final, soul-searing step.

"Stay in there until you calm down," Lupin advised, shutting the lid. Furious grunts ensued, and the box shuddered under Harry's assault, bouncing around like an extra-large and furious container of Mexican jumping beans. Lupin judged it would only take a couple of minutes before Harry chewed a hole through the cardboard and was on the rampage again. Two minutes was better than nothing, however. "Perhaps he'll nibble on one of the candies while he's in there," Lupin said to Mr. Wonka.

"Yes, but I won't be able to see which one!" the candy-maker whined.

Dumbledore, meanwhile, struck up 'Jailhouse Rock,' which seem quite appropriate under the circumstances.

"Now about re-starting the tour -- " the werewolf began.

"Oh, bother the tour!" complained Draco. "I can't walk on this foot. And anyway, I think I should be declared the winner. I'm the only one who hasn't shrunk or turned into gum or been molested by bees."

"Yes, but I don't like you very much," said Mr. Wonka.

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Lucius as Draco considered sniveling. "No one likes Kreckor very much. We Malfoys are not bred to be lovable."

"Mum loves me!" Draco contradicted at once.

"Yes, well, she's a Black, and they're bred for insanity." Lucius cocked an eyebrow at Lupin. "You should bear that in mind with Tonks, you know."

"Yes, thank you -- " said Lupin impatiently.

"Although I suppose you've already gone through this once with that Sirius chap."

"Where on earth did those rumors begin?" demanded Lupin. "I never shagged Sirius in my life. I wouldn't, even if I was gay. I know the man's habits, you know. I pitied his girlfriends. He used to keep a box of joke cocks under his bed. I've said too much," he added abruptly, pale cheeks flaming.

"Methinks the werewolf doth protest too much," murmured Lucius, smirking.

"Methinks the man with the long, girly blonde hair should hold his tongue," Lupin retorted.

At least the candy box had gone silent and still for the moment. Doubtless Harry was straining his ears to catch the slightest reference to 'joke cocks' and thinking of all the 'faboo-lously' perverted uses he could put such an item to.

"Maybe we should re-start the tour after all," Willy Wonka decided. He rang a bell and an Oompa-Loompa in a floral dress entered. Other than her attire, she resembled every other Oompa-Loompa they'd seen thus far.

Lucius Malfoy fell to his knees in adoration. "Hermia!" he whispered. "Oh, she's perfect! Perfect!"

"Actually, her name is Bonnie. Hermia works in packaging." Mr. Wonka beckoned to the Oompa-Loompa. "I say, Bonnie, could you show me how that computer surveillance camera thing works? I've forgotten again." He pressed a button on his desk and a computer rose up out of a hidden compartment like a dolphin breaking the surface of the waves. Or some other poetic crap like that.

With a nod and an air of infinite patience, Bonnie settled herself in front of the computer. She had to climb a stepladder to reach the surface of the desk. Lucius wept tears of pure love and joy as he watched. "Look at her typing on the keyboard with those wee little hands," he whispered, so choked he was barely intelligible. "Bless me, she's wearing nail varnish on her itty-bitty little fingers, isn't she? Oh, I want her! I really do!"

"Pop, you're embarrassing me more than usual." Draco tried to haul his father to his feet before he started genuflecting or something even more shameful, but Lucius's kneecaps may as well have been glued to the floor.

"Don't bother, Draco," said Lupin wearily, "We know your father's a trifle bent."

Arthur chose this moment to throw his arms around the monitor and give it a wet kiss. Bonnie rolled her eyes. Lucius immediately jumped to his feet and pulled Arthur off. "Don't get in her way!" he scolded.

"Pomcuter!" squealed Arthur. "Pomcuter! Pomcuter! Look! It's got a plug!"

"I think I hate all of you," muttered Petunia, sitting straighter than ever.

"Even me?" asked Dumbledore, breaking off his song.

"Even you. You're not that much like Elvis."

Dumbledore began singing 'You Ain't Nothing But a Hound Dog,' practically to her face. Petunia's lips thinned; there was no doubt the lyrics were meant spitefully. The next time his crotch gyrated in her direction, she planted a high-heeled foot squarely in the middle of it.

"My boojumbies!" Dumbledore howled, clutching himself. "Those better be insured!"

"Please tell me we can get back to the tour," Lupin muttered, teeth clenched, "please oh please oh please. . . "

"Huh!" exclaimed Mr. Wonka from the computer. "Golly, that's weird!"

"What's weird?" asked Lupin.

"Well, it seems the Knids haven't finished off the intruders yet." He frowned and itched the rim of his hat. "I wonder if I've been feeding them too well."

"What do you feed them?" asked Draco.

"Annoying little boys and the occasional sewage worker."

Draco looked alarmed. "He's probably joking," Lupin reassured him.

"Am I?" Mr. Wonka thought it over. "Oh, right. Sewage workers are kind of expensive. Actually, the Knids do very well on Jimmy Dean sausage. Maybe too well." He frowned at the screen again. "Golly."

"So does that mean we can't leave the office yet?" asked Lupin, dismayed.

"You can leave any time you want. I just won't vouch for your safety."

"Let me rephrase that: Does this mean we can't safely leave the office yet?"

"Probably. I'm not sure. Want to go out and see if anything tries to eat you?"

Lupin actually hesitated. It was coming to a point where he thought he might prefer taking his chances with the Knids. "Can't you send the Knids back to, well, back to wherever you keep them when they're not eating people?"

"But that's just the thing! They've gone all weird! Look!" He turned the monitor around for Lupin's inspection. Lupin bent over and squinted at the screen. The tiny figures were hard to make out, but somehow, one detail leapt vividly to the eye.

"I see a blowhole," said Lupin grimly.

Lucius jumped to his feet. Draco's jaw sagged in indignation. "You're kidding!"

"Yes, Knids aren't supposed to have blowholes."

"It's not a Knid." Lupin sighed and ran a hand through his graying hair. "Looks like the Dark Lord sneaked into the factory."

"The creep!" said Draco indignantly. "Going and stealing my thunder like that!"

"Your mother's there too," said Lucius, pointing to a tiny blonde image.

Draco's jaw sagged again. "Mum too? Oh the betrayal! The betrayal!"

"Quite a large party, in fact." Lucius was not pleased. He didn't get out of Azkaban often, and he didn't want to spend his free time in the company of his wife. Having to spend it with his son was bad enough.

"There's Bellatrix, and. . . " Lupin's face darkened. "Greyback. The cur."

"Oh, look! Your girlfriend is there too."

"Tonks?" Lupin's face took on the expression of a werewolf betrayed. "With Greyback?"

"Guess she has a thing for big, hairy men," said Draco.

"Wouldn't she be dating Hagrid then?" asked Lucius. "I mean, Old Shabby here doesn't really fit that description -- "

"Yes, thank you," said Lupin impatiently. He leaned close, examining the screen. "Maybe she is dating Hagrid; he's there too. And Kingsley, Sirius - of course - Fred and George. . . oh, lord, Snape! Professor McGonagall. . . Virtually everyone I've ever met in my life, really."

"You should get out more." Lucius tapped the top of the monitor with a manicured finger. "So. . . about these Knid things. . . they're not going after the intruders?"

"Well, that's the weird bit. See how funny the Knids look?"

"As we never seen Knids in our lives," Lupin reminded the candy maker, "It would be difficult for us to realize how they've changed."

"Oh, yeah. There is that. Well, one's gone fluffy, and another's bouncing around the room on its tail and. . . wait!" Mr. Wonka pushed them all aside and squashed his face into the screen. "Wow! One of them turned into Elvis too!"

Dumbledore broke off his latest song ('Only the Lonely'). "You mean there's another Elvis in the building?" he asked indignantly.

"Seems like it."

"Well, the very idea! I'm the King! I won't stand for some lousy impersonator going around pretending to be me!"

"Dumbledore, you are an impersonator," Lupin reminded him. "Furthermore, there are hundreds, if not thousands of Elvis impersonators in the world. Don't take it so to heart."

"Why must you always ruin everything good?" whined Dumbledore. His pompadour drooped a bit.

"Dunno. I just somehow feel I should stand up for reality from time to time. It seems to take a bashing when this lot is around." He shook his head. "I just can't believe Tonks joined up with Greyback. It must be a mistake."

"The Dark Lord was very keen on coming to the factory," said Lucius.

"So was Greyback," said Draco. "Something about the chocolate."

"Adore!" cried Lupin reflexively.

Draco rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever. So probably Voldemort arranged to sneak in and took some of his Death Eaters along with him."

"And Sirius and Kingsley - breaking into a chocolate factory is just the sort of thing Kingsley would love doing. Makes sense. It's stupid, but it makes sense." Lupin stared at the screen. "Sometimes you're such a Black, Dora."

"'Dora'?" Draco made gagging sounds.

"Oh, grow up. You should have outgrown the 'girls have cooties' stage by now." Lupin cast a sidelong glance at Draco's femmy blonde features. "If you're ever going to do so, I mean."

Draco burned. "Don't get cute, werewolf. I'm a Malfoy. I could have you killed."

"Didn't do such a good job with me," said Dumbldore, bursting into the conversation. "Wailed like a little sissymuffets, as I recall."

"Did you wail, Draco?" asked Lucius with mild interest.

"No! I just. . . just hesitated. I was gonna kill him, really!"

"You ain't nothin but a sissymuffets, whining all the time. . . " Dumbledore swiveled his hips in synch with his singing. So, apparently, did Harry - at least the chocolate box was rocking in time to the words. He could have been up to something far fouler in there, perhaps something pertaining to the 'joke cocks' reference, but thank goodness, no one actually had to watch.

"You ain't never killed a wizard and you ain't no friend of mine!" Dumbledore stopped to preen again. "Damn, I'm good! No wonder they call me the King."

"Does that make that Knid the prince?" Petunia inquired pointedly.

"Don't talk about that Knid. I could have it killed. I'm Elvis."

"Once I get this candy out into the market, everyone will be able to experience the thrill of being Elvis," said Mr. Wonka. "I'm just wondering why that Knid turned into Elvis too. Did some of the Oompa-Loompas get hold of some for a prank? But they couldn't have known -- "

"I bet it was Fred and George," said Arthur, taking a brief break from groping the computer.

"I don't have any Ooompa-Loompas named Fred. Or George, although there is a Georgio, if that's who you're referring to."

"No, no, no. Fred and George are two of my sons, the twins. They invent joke candy. They might have come up with an Elvis formula."

"Really?" exclaimed Mr. Wonka, brightening. "You have sons who make candy? And here I was thinking you weren't smart enough to breathe properly. Well, this changes everything. I'd like to meet them."

"Meet them!" demanded Draco indignantly. "They skulked into your factory and ruined all your Knids!"

"Yes, I never thought of using Knids as test subjects before," agreed Mr. Wonka happily. "Quite ingenious."

Lupin cleared his throat. "I'm not quite sure that's the right description for Fred and George."

"Oh, they are clever, clever boys," said Arthur, wrapping an arm around the computer and giving it a cuddle. "I like them better than Ron, at least."

"Well, if they make candy, that's only natural. We're likeable people." Oblivious to the askance glances he received, Mr. Wonka pressed a buzzer. The door opened and an Oompa-Loompa in black entered. Lucius gave him only a cursory glance; he wasn't anything near as precious as Bonnie. "Escort the intruders into my office, please," Mr. Wonka told the Oompa-Loompa. "Be careful of the Knids, although I don't think you really have to worry about them."

"We had a few intruders under guard," replied the Oompa-Loompa. "A few got away, one turned into a rat, and we put the rest in the Puppet Room."

"Oh, well, they should enjoy that," said Mr. Wonka, forgetting once again that he was the only person on the planet who found the wretched puppets adorable. Then he did a double-take. "A rat? Did they do that with candy too?"

"It's probably Peter Pettigrew," said Lupin in a tone of loathing. "He works for Voldemort."

"Oh, the guy with the blowhole. Right." He tapped his cane against his chin as memories slowly fell into place. "Wasn't I going to name a candy bar 'Voldemort'?"

"You were thinking about it."

"I've changed my mind since seeing him. He's not appetizing in the slightest. Anyway -- " His eyes located the Oompa-Loompa once more. "Don't worry about the people in the Puppet Room, they'll be fine. Just bring in this lot in the Sprinkle Room."

The Oompa-Loompa saluted and exited. Bonnie, who was getting quite tired of Lucius's staring and crooning, climbed down from the desk and left as well.

"I can't believe he wants to see the twins," whined Draco.

"BAHHHHH!" shrieked Harry as the candy box burst into thousands of slightly moist fragments. He hopped triumphantly into the air, nearly hitting the ceiling in his glee. "NUMBAH ONE, NUMBAH ONE, NUMBAH ONE!!!!!!"

Arthur accidentally swallowed a piece of chocolate that came soaring through the air. He grew two extra fingers on each hand, which he stared at in mild wonder until he decided they much less important than the computer. He hoped it would date him.

"Wow, Harry, I didn't think magic worked in the factory." Lupin examined the smoking remains of the box.

"Oh, I didn't use magic," Harry assured him.

"Then what did you do?"

"My arse. I let out a fart as big as my life."

Lupin hastily backed away from the desk. "Surprised we didn't hear that one," he muttered, They were beginning to smell it, however.

"Perhaps we ought to wait for our guests in the lounge," Mr. Wonka decided.

"They're not guests," whined Draco, "they're invaders."

No one paid him any attention. It wasn't the right way to treat Draco.

"But seriously," said Lupin as they prepared to make their way out into the hallway, "you may be making a mistake. I'm not sure if you really want to meet Fred and George."

"Are they anything like their father?" Mr. Wonka asked, pausing to look back at Arthur, who was stroking the computer and telling it he loved it.

"Well, not much," admitted Lupin honestly. "They're more masculine and successful. And not as bald."

"Equally hateful," Draco put in spitefully.

"All Weasleys are hateful," Lucius drawled. "Not like Oompa-Loompas. Now Oompa-Loompas might just be the most lovable creatures ever. Now maybe if Arthur were an Oompa-Loompa -- "

"You can shut up now, Lucius."

* * * * *

Most of the Knids had collapsed from the exhaustion of their respective activities. The Elvis Knid was still singing lustily, but they were learning to ignore it. The furry pink Knid had been quietly crushed by Hagrid, who had discovered that he really didn't like cute monsters.

"My plan worked perfectly," declared Snape with satisfaction as he surveyed the collection of collapsed Knids. (Try saying that one five times fast with an Everlasting Gobstopper in your mouth.)

"It was my plan!" contradicted Voldemort, who wasn't about to get a little thing like the facts get in his way.

"Very good, my Lord," agreed Snape wearily.

"And to celebrate my genius, I'm going to consume more Fizzy Lifting Drinks," Voldemort concluded.

"Want chocolate! Adore!" cried Greyback, romping out of the crushed remains of the candy fort.

"We are here to meet Mr. Willy Wonka," said McGonagall stiffly.

"You may be here to see Mr. Wonka. I'm here to see cool stuff." Sirius stepped over a Knid and glanced out into a corridor. "I wonder which room the exploding candy is in?"

"Fizzy Lifting Drinks," said Voldemort firmly.

Snape held up his hands before the wrangling could begin. "All right, let's just sort this all out. First, is it really necessary for us to trail around in one big group?"

"Uh, no. I guess not. Might be safer for you live people though."

"Hmm." Snape considered. Much as he disliked Sirius and the twins and - well, pretty much everyone, with the possible exception of Narcissa, really - there was a certain truth to the statement. More members of the party meant less chance that he personally would be targeted if some other thing came along. He could always hide behind Hagrid, after all.

"Very well. Then we can accomplish all our objectives if we're careful. The Fizzy Lifting Drinks room is right next door. We can go there and get a couple bottles for the Dark Lord and then move on to something else until we locate Mr. Wonka. I'm quite certain we'll find chocolate and 'cool stuff' as Black insists on putting it, along the way."

"Okay. Neat." Happy that he'd gotten his way, Voldemort rushed out the door, giggling.

"Oh, well. More frobscottle." Bellatrix sauntered after. Tonks, Sirius, and Kingsley exchanged looks.

"I don't see the joy of drinking soda that makes you fart," said Tonks.

"Me neither," said Sirius.

"Glad to hear neither of you inherited that Black family trait."

"Be great for pranks, however," Sirius mused, stuffing his hands deep into his pockets. "Drop some in the pumpkin juice and -- "

"Isn't Hogwarts stinky enough already?"
"I don't have to breathe."

They wandered into the Fizzy Lifting Drink room anyway - Tonks thought it might be cool enough to satisfy at least one of her criteria. They blinked as bubbles fluttered past their eyes. "Are these things really necessary?" asked Kingsley, batting at the love-struck Knid which had followed him. "I mean, why should a soda machine have to spit out a hundred bubbles per half second?"

Sirius and Tonks shrugged. "Maybe these are the bubbles that weren't good enough to go in the soda?" Voldemort suggested stupidly.

"Just shut up and get your drink," Tonks advised him.

"Okay." Voldemort was all right with that. He grabbed up two bottles of Fizzy Lifting Drink, tucked one into a pocket of his black robe, and bit the cap off the other.

"Hey! When did you change into your robes?" demanded Snape, who was still wearing his cheap (and rather stinky) public health inspector costume.

"Trade secret," replied Voldemort smugly. He took a swig from the bottle and rose into the air. "Whoopee!"

Bellatrix had already grabbed a fresh bottle of frobscottle, but she paused, watching the Dark Lord swoop through the air. "That does look like fun," she commented, selecting a bottle of the Fizzy Lifting Drink.

"I wouldn't, if I were you," cautioned Greyback, poking his head in the door.

Bellatrix paid him no heed. She popped the cap off with her thumb. Narcissa cast her sister a worried look. "Why wouldn't you, Fenrir?"

"The bubbles in one lift you up. The bubbles in the other shoot violently out your rear. I don't think they mix well." Greyback watched sourly as Bellatrix lifted the bottle to her mouth. "Of course, don't listen to me. I'm just a werewolf."

"Yes, exactly." Bellatrix paused for a smirk before taking a deep gulp of the Fizzy Lifting Drink. "Hmm. Good, but frobscottle tastes better." She smacked her lips and paused again. Suddenly her eyes widened. "Uh-oh."

Greyback was already out the door. Everyone else backed up nervously, except for Sirius who backed up with an air of great expectation. "Oh, why didn't I bring a camera?" he lamented. "Do you think she's going to blow up?"

"Well, I don't -- " Tonks took another look at her aunt and decided to follow Greyback's example.

Harry would have recognized the symptoms at once, or at least would have found them very similar to the occasion where he blew up his hated Aunt Marge. Bellatrix began swelling, right down to her fingertips. Her cheap inspector's costume threatened to burst at the seams, but making a valiant effort to preserve dignity, (and this story's PG rating,) it held in place. Bellatrix began to resemble a large, lumpy, beige-colored balloon. She would not have been a desired prize for any child at a country fair, although she may have been able to win the livestock competition.

"Are you all right there, sister darling?" called Narcissa, struggling to keep a grin off her face. This, she felt, was karmic retribution for a childhood filled with taunts, hexes, and outright nastiness from her elder sister.

"Not so bad," replied Bellatirx, sounding slightly muffled with her huge, puffy lips. Indeed, she seemed perfectly calm. Which was more than could be said of the rest of the party when she started producing high-pitched whistling noises.

"If she turns into another Elvis I'm quitting," grumbled Snape. The damned Elvis Knid had followed them, still sneering and mumbling some song about broken hearts. Or maybe token farts; its diction was terrible.

"I think she's going to blow!" Tonks cried, backing up, eyes wide.

"I think she already blows." Tonks glared at Sirius. "Sorry. But you have to admit it was a pretty obvious set-up."

BBRRRRIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZRRRTTTTTTTT!!!!!!

Everyone flinched as Bellatrix suddenly took off. The effect was exactly the same as if a giant balloon had suddenly had the air let out of it. Except smellier. She soared, she swooped, buzzing and gassing the whole while. Voldemort had to scramble frantically in the air to keep out of her path. She crashed straight into Kingsley's Knid and knocked it unconscious, for which he felt tremendously grateful.

Then she was out the door and away. They could hear her buzzing down the corridor. "My, you'd think she'd run out soon!" exclaimed Narcissa with poorly concealed delight.

"She's probably still generating gas," said Greyback wisely. "I told her the two didn't mix."

"Ah, well, leave her," said Sirius, who was also quite thrilled. "With any luck, she'll be all pruney and wrinkled when she finally deflates."

"With all the frobscottle she's had, that won't be for a while."

"Ahem," said a disapproving voice.

"Oh no!" cried Voldemort, spotting the newcomer, "it's one of those little men with the orangutan flu virus! Get him away! Get him away!"

"It's an Oompa-Loompa," corrected Hagrid. "Gosh, don't ya people know anythin'?"

"It's a midget," said Narcissa distastefully.

"I'm a messenger from Willy Wonka," the Oompa-Loompa corrected them all. "He wishes to see you."

"Mr. Wonka wants to see me?" Voldemort's red eyes widened until they practically fell out of his skull and his lower lip quivered. A few happy bubbles spouted out of his blowhole. "This is the greatest day of my life!"

"I hope you still think that when he puts you in the Puppet Room," said Snape.

"He wouldn't do that to me. I'm his biggest fan in all the world!" Voldemort managed a not-entirely-feeble cartwheel in midair. "Well, let's don't just stand here! Willy Wonka wants to see us!"

"I want chocolate! Adore!" howled Greyback, who by this time was getting very frustrated. One could sympathize. It wasn't quite right to have come to the world's biggest chocolate factory and not had so much as a lick of the stuff as of yet. The Oompa-Loompa suppressed a sigh.

"I'm certain Mr. Wonka will see to the refreshments," he said dryly.

"Okay then!" Greyback bounced to the little man's side. McGonagall, who wanted to see Willy Wonka anyway, joined him. Voldemort was already wafting above, waiting.

"What's taking you so long?" he demanded of the others. "Mr. Wonka wishes to see us. You do realize it's an honor, don't you?"

"Not really," sniffed Snape.

"I can visit the factory on my own," said Kingsley. There were murmurs of assent, although Hagrid just looked stupid and the twins cheerfully oblivious.

Voldemort tapped his foot in the air. "Greyback, whoever's not ready to go in five seconds - eat them."

The werewolf grinned, displaying a mouthful of sharply pointed yellow teeth. There was a general scrambling for position next to the Oompa-Loompa, who nodded in approval.

"I can see why you're a leader," he said.

"Oh, anything for Mr. Wonka," assured Voldemort. "I'd cut my own nuts off for him."

There was an appalled silence.

"You might want to keep that to yourself," said the Oompa-Loompa. "Sometimes Mr. Wonka gets absent minded and takes things literally that should not have been."

"Oh, okay." Voldemort stared down at himself. "I'm not sure I got it all quite right anyway. These resurrection thingys are trickier than you'd think."

There was a second appalled silence, which considering the short time elapsed was one appalled silence too many.

"Perhaps we ought to just go and get this over with," suggested Snape.

"Okay," agreed Voldemort cheerfully. "And I promise - not a word about my nuts!"

The next appalled silence lasted the entire walk to the office where Mr. Wonka sat waiting.