Harry Potter and the Curse of Ages

Chapter 4 A Kinder, Gentler Snape

Harry pulled out the communicating mirror. "Professor Dumbledore?" he called into it.

"Ah, Harry," said Dumbledore in a few seconds, "still not comfortable with 'Albus' I guess."

Harry smiled. "Give me time. I still feel far more like a student than a peer."

"It's to be expected. And indeed I hope that I will be given the opportunity to teach you much that I have acquired over the years. And in the process I hope to learn from you as well."

"I'd like that, too, though I'm not sure what I can contribute."

"Ah, most anyone can surprise themselves if they only allow themselves to have an open and questing mind. You have insights that you yourself do not yet see."

"And is that the only purpose of working together?"

Dumbledore laughed gently. "No indeed, Harry. I told you before I cared about you more than as just a student, and by the way you were hurt by my ignoring you, I know the feeling is mutual. It is only those who love us who are content to spend time with us and see us happy. But I do not mind that you seek reassurance on this point. After all you will find that for the vast majority of people you ever deal with, their only interest is in what you can do for them. And you were rather used as a tool in the plot to draw out Voldemort."

"Yeah. I accepted it as part of the strategy, but it still is kind of rankling, I think especially because I thought I was the only one in control of himself but I turned out to be the only one who hadn't a clue. And after the battles, I got swept along with the celebration. I still feel like a bit of flotsam on a very stormy sea which is just starting to calm."

"An apt description. Alas, I'm afraid that the schedule I have drawn up for the next couple of weeks won't make you feel any more in control of yourself. You need to learn both instructional techniques and the magic needed to teach apparition and broom flying - there's more to the teaching than just being able to do it."

"Well, okay, I anticipated that."

"That will take the first week, and then we'll have other things that need doing. I want to show you all around Hogwarts, in a way few people ever get to. But please reassure yourself that I have no intent to merely put you to work. I am looking forward to having time that we could work on projects together without the press of Voldemort's threats. It would very much be a treat for me, and I think you will find it rewarding on several levels as well."

Harry nodded thoughtfully and then looked up again. "That makes me think. When you told me about the Mirror of Erised, you said that you saw yourself with a warm pair of socks. Is that really what you saw?"

"Well, I indeed had the warm pair of socks, but I was wearing them in front of a warm fireplace, and was chatting contentedly with people who are special to me. The gist of what I told you was correct - I do not need for much. I am old enough to find happiness in what I have rather than looking always for that which is out of reach."

"Right now, I don't know if I am content with what I have or merely lacking the experience and vision to know what I ought to be reaching for."

"It's to be expected, Harry. Your whole life for at least three years has been organized around surviving and then defeating Voldemort. You have accomplished everything you had set for yourself, and so you must start to ask, 'Now what?' That's one of the reasons that I have organized some attractive options. Without challenges and activities to give your life structure, you could easily fall into dissolution. You would certainly not be the first hero to fall apart after the fighting was over."

"That's about it. Even now, I am quite at ends. I don't know what to do, how to be a staff member, how to live and work here."

"You need to be shown the ropes, of course. Let's meet tomorrow morning and I'll go over many of those things, and we'll make some plans for the preparations you will need for next school year. For right now, you should know that you can use the Floo Network as a sort of intercom - I believe you know that muggle term - just by throwing a pinch of Floo Powder in a fireplace and calling for the person you wish to speak to. The library is available to you, and of course the Restricted Section is no longer restricted to you, not that it has been for some time now."

Harry grinned. "Maybe later. I've just spent the better part of three months in intensive and futile study in there."

Dumbledore laughed. "I knew you would understand once the plan was described to you. Knowing that, there were a few times I laughed until I cried at how hard you worked to figure out what kind of curse would make everyone in the school fight each other. And then I would cry until I laughed over how much you were suffering to find the solution."

"Well, I understand the strategy now, so I reckon I'll get over it."

"If you wish to go someplace, of course, you are free to and can apparate - when you are far enough from the school, - use the Floo Network, or fly. I made sure that your suite had a balcony so that you could use your broom whenever you chose to. As for meals, you can conjure things yourself, or the elves will prepare whatever you'd like - they have a talent for making things much tastier than you or I could make ourselves. We have staff meals every so often and staff members will often have meals together. Why don't you plan on having breakfast with me around 7:30 tomorrow morning and we'll talk over all sorts of things. My current password is brigadeiro - that's a Brazilian confection I have just recently learned about - marvelous. For dinner this evening, I believe Minerva was making arrangements. She should be calling you anytime now, so I'll say good-bye until tomorrow."

"Great, erm, Albus," Harry said the name awkwardly, "good-bye and thanks."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Come in, Potter, or may I call you Harry now?"

Minerva McGonagall smiled and opened the door at Harry's knock. She was, after all, expecting him, as she had invited him for dinner in her office. Behind her, scowling in anger was Professor Snape. Harry would probably have been as displeased at seeing Snape as Snape obviously was at seeing Harry had not Harry asked Sirius to scout out McGonagall's office before he came around. Harry was seeing great advantages to having an overlooked friend like Sirius to spy about the castle for him, and Sirius was more than pleased to have something interesting - and especially sneaky - to do. He would also be listening in just outside of view.

Before Harry could respond, Snape rose from the table at which he sat. "I see you have company, Minerva," he said, oozing with annoyance. "I'll just be on my way."

Professor McGonagall stopped him with a hand placed gently on his shoulder. Harry was certain that there were few others for whom Snape would have stopped so meekly.

"Nonsense, Severus, you were invited and so was he. You are two of my favorite men in my life and I aim to see truce at the very least."

"Minerva, I can assure you I will be cordial," said Snape, in a tone that would have had Harry putting his hand near his wand if they were not in Professor McGonagall's presence.

"And I will, as well, show him all due respect, Professor McGonagall," added Harry.

"Hmm, I've heard more warmth in the crackling of yeti fur. I see I have my work cut out for me." She turned directly to Harry. "If you'd like, you may call me 'Minerva.'"

"Thank you, uh, Minerva. Forgive me if I slip at times. I've spent seven years thinking of you only as Professor McGonagall."

"That will be fine, of course, and in front of students, it would be preferable, as I shall call you Mr. Potter."

"But please feel free to call me 'Harry' in private."

She smiled. At least there was conversation. "I shall, with the occasional 'Potter' out of habit."

"I've been called worse," said Harry, with a grin.

She smiled back at him. "I am well aware. Even some of the well-meaning names must have been unwelcome. May I offer you both a pre-dinner drink?" she asked as she pulled a bottle and three tiny glasses from a shelf by her mantle. Harry saw Sirius peeping out from the edge of the painting over the shelves and then darting back, and was certain he saw McGonagall wink and suppress a smile.

"Erm, what is it?" asked Harry cautiously. Snape snorted scoffingly.

"I won't be giving you a potion, I can assure you, Harry. And Severus, Harry's been manipulated enough these past seven years: it is fair enough for him to be suspicious. Harry, it's simply a pomegranate liqueur I'm fond of."

"Oh, well, thank you, then," said Harry.

"Yes, I suppose I will as well," said Snape.

She poured the drinks and handed a glass to each.

"A toast," she said, raising her glass, "to colleagues and a mission well accomplished."

Harry and Snape kept their eyes firmly on McGonagall rather than each other as they agreed with the toast and touched their glasses to hers. Harry cautiously sipped at his drink, not knowing how he would react. It stung as it first touched his mouth, but as he held the sip of liquid, the burn went away and left a tingly, fruity sensation. He had sipped so little that he did not so much swallow as let it disappear in his mouth.

"Please sit," said McGonagall, "and tell me why you each have such animosity."

They sat and Snape glared at her, studiously avoiding any glance at Harry. "You know, Minerva, my feelings about James, and HE," Snape waved the back of his hand toward Harry, "is cut from the same cloth."

"Well-stated," said McGonagall. "And you, Harry?"

"When I came to Hogwarts, I was just thrilled to escape my muggle home. I was certainly not looking for an enemy, most of all in my professors."

"Enemy!?" growled Snape. "After all the times I saved your life?"

"Now, Severus, calm down," said Minerva. "You've been a good soldier when it comes to fighting dark forces, but you'll have to admit that you have treated the students of my house, and Harry in particular, with a rather pointed harshness."

"I have enforced the rules, perhaps a bit more strictly in some instances than others. For all their bravery," Snape spat the word out, "Gryffindors have a rather mean streak when it comes to those not like them."

Harry started to protest, but McGonagall motioned to him. "Agreed," she said. Harry opened his mouth to protest, but she again gestured him quiet. "Harry, what you don't see is how cruel groups of students can be, especially in a boarding school environment, where the living group becomes your tribe. The cohesion of the tribe must be maintained by coordinated activities, which often take the form of afflicting those not in the tribe. It occurs in many other group environments as well, even without the residential arrangement. Generally when students leave the school those old bonds and wounds are forgotten," then she glared at Snape, "but some people never forget them."

"Minerva, you know I was treated more harshly then most."

"Partly because you gave as good as you got, and partly because you rejected your own housemates' company as well: as to some of them, that is to your credit. But Severus, this is not James. Look at him," she urged.

Snape glanced in Harry's direction, and then, when McGonagall cocked her head to say that wasn't good enough, he looked at Harry squarely. Harry looked back at him passively, not knowing what it was that McGonagall wanted him to see. In a few seconds, he turned away, and muttered, "Those eyes!"

Harry looked quizzically at McGonagall and she smiled back at him. "Severus," she continued gently, "tell him what you have told me. He needs to know more about his mother. He needs to hear it from those who were affected by her, and it would serve you well to say it - to him."

Snape sneered in a way that Harry had only seen previously when Neville had turned in a particularly inept potion, but then his face relaxed as he relented. "As you wish, Minerva, I can deny you nothing."

"Potter," Snape began in a low resigned tone, looking off out the small window, "through all the sessions of Occlumency training, it was more of an anguish to me than you'll ever know to stare into your eyes. At all other times, I could look at the rest of your appearance and see only your father. Seeing him when I saw you, it was only by a great effort that I continued to treat you as even-handedly as I did."

Harry started to protest, but McGonagall placed a hand gently on his arm and very subtly shook her head to stop him, and gave him an understanding wink.

"But for the Occlumency lessons, as you know," Snape shifted his gaze toward the fireplace, and its gentle flames, "I had to peer into your eyes and see nothing but them. They are very much your mother's eyes."

"So I have been told many times, Professor."

Snape glanced sidelong at him and then turned back to the flicker of the fire. "Yes. Unmistakably so. And as we have seen these past few days, the resemblance is more than just the color. She could look past the facades we all erect to each other and reach into the person - and give succor to that which is healthy within." The next words came as if wrenched out of him, "An ability you have shown these past few days, years perhaps. Of course, I had already confirmed this to the Headmaster, for I recognized it the times your mind reached within mine."

Snape groaned. "How I loathed having you reach into my mind, most of all because even with all the animosity I knew you felt for me somehow you looked into me without contempt, or condemnation, or rejection, but instead, as your mother would have, with understanding and sympathy, leaving me with a feeling of relief from the monsters of my past. To receive that from the son of James Potter was torture."

Harry felt he must respond. "I apologize if I gave you unwanted relief. I can assure you I had no desire to make any part of your life better."

Snape seemed almost to smile. "No, I'm certain of that, at least on the surface, but down deep you are Lily's boy, and such sympathy was central to her being. Now, as you have no doubt gathered from what you have seen in me, and from your talks with your father's friends, I was a rather unsociable, malevolent, morose and cynical youth. Not nearly the pleasant, amiable chap I am today." Harry started to speak but Snape held up a hand to stop him and went on. "I know you do not perceive me that way, Potter, but all things are relative. I used to be much more unpleasant."

McGonagall stifled a smile and said, "I'll vouch for that, Severus. The staff were so offended by you they used to hold contests to devise suitably horrid detentions for you."

"You... got detentions?" asked Harry.

"Of course I did! You don't think I'd let your father's band get away with their antics unanswered, do you? Perhaps muggles have to just take such treatment at the hands of a stronger group, but wizards have all manner of tools available." Snape's eyes sparkled with malevolent glee as he remembered the dark magic he had employed against his rivals and tormentors. "They had the admiration and the friendships, but they were not going to get away with everything they did unanswered."

McGonagall added, "As a loner, Severus was quite the easy target for several groups, especially your father and his friends. I think they recognized in him the power and determination that you no doubt can see in him, and particularly resented him for his darkness - which, I might add, he brought with him on his own."

"Not entirely on my own, Minerva," Snape corrected.

"No, you're right, Severus. Both your mother and stepfather filled you with much of it, didn't they?" She sighed. "In the long run, it probably served Severus's opponents well, as they were prepared to deal with dark magic when they went into the world. Your parents, Harry, were able to thwart and escape Voldemort several times in no small part due to the techniques your father learned in his schoolday sparring with Severus."

Snape resumed his explanation. "Your mother, though, was another matter. Of course, she was popular, too, but she always resisted the urgings to join in having fun at others' expense. She did it quite effortlessly as well. Often those who refuse to join a group's bullying are rejected and made the subject of abuse as well. Your mother avoided that, somehow. Perhaps it was her complete lack of guile or animosity, maybe it was her special magic. Even when she was angry or putting a stop to something horrid someone was doing, she never did so with anything aught but kindness. I still cannot comprehend that.

"She reached out, as well, to bring all of the outcasts into the mainstream. Lupin kept very much to himself at first - not the same way that I did, but he was very secretive and silent. Of course, we all know why. Lily saw the kind soul within him - even I can acknowledge that much about him, though I still resent him for the company he kept - and talked with him, eventually drawing him out and allowing him to be an active part of the school and Gryffindor House. Except, of course, when there was a full moon.

"She noticed me, as well. Unlike ... others, however, she was not looking for a victim but someone to be kind to. I was more resistant to her than Lupin, more fool me. I didn't want to let anyone get past my shell, especially not some Gryffindor mu-, erm, muggleborn."

Harry had a feeling he knew exactly what word Snape had started to say as his voice had risen at the end. Snape took the last sip of his liqueur and McGonagall took his glass to the mantle and poured him a bit more. He composed himself again.

"Nonetheless she persisted. She would speak kindly to me whenever she could. She helped me when things had happened, whether they were my own errors or things done to me. Even when fellow Slytherins would not lend a hand, Lily was there. Even when I raved against my tormenters, or blamed the world for my situation, as adolescents so readily do, Lily was there - pleasant, kind, understanding. I often wondered if she was mentally deficient, as I assumed all muggles and muggleborns must be."

Harry started to get red in the face, but Snape continued, "Calm yourself, Potter. I learned it was not so. In fact, by the end of fourth year, I had seen much of the world in a new light. I didn't know at the time the effect that Lily - and you - had on people, bringing out their best, but I see now how it was working on me. But in fifth year I was quite single-minded in preparing for OWLs. I allowed myself no opportunity for any socializing. Every spare moment was spent studying or practicing. Seeing that I was constructively occupied and generally avoiding your father and his friends, Lily turned her attentions to others in need. I would have liked to have spent time talking with her - she was as soothing as murtlap on a wound - but I would allow no such dalliance. I was determined to excel on my OWLs."

Harry remembered his own use of murtlap when his hand was so damaged by Professor Umbridge's quill. Involuntarily he rubbed the back of his right hand, remembering the pain, as well as the relief of the murtlap. He well understood Snape's comparison.

Snape was shaking his head sadly. "I grabbed for the proverbial brass ring and missed what really was important."