The Amazing Illegal Wonder Potion

Chapter 11

Private Tuition

"Molly told me to give you this," said Sirius, passing a covered tray to Snape. "She's concerned that ickle Sevvie is working in the dungeons and not getting enough to eat. Isn't that sweet?" he sneered.

Snape sneered right back. "Molly's concerned that ickle Siri might be feeling a bit useless, and keeping him occupied as a gofer. Isn't that sweet?"

Sirius scowled, but didn't say anything. With any luck, he'd get his own back soon enough. He left the dungeon quickly, but did not go far. The cellars were on the floor above, and Lucius the goat (or Lucy for short), was waiting there, munching peacefully on a bit of old carpet.

"Well, Lucy," said Sirus, "it's time for your date."

* * *

After Black had gone, Severus had grudgingly set aside his cauldron and uncovered the tray. Busy as he was, he could not say no to Mrs Weasley's cooking. The woman really had a gift.

He was just tucking into the shepherd's pie when a small goat tottered down the dungeon stairs. Ignoring Severus completely, it wandered over to his Moonshine apparatus and began chewing on one of the tubes.

"Whoa, get away from that!" screeched Severus, rushing over to shoo the goat away. The animal let out a disgruntled bleat and moved away.

"Get out of here, you dumb animal! Honestly, there just had to be a bloody goat in here somewhere, didn't there? Bloody Dark wizards!"

Try as he might, he could not get the goat to go back up the dungeon stairs. In the end, it found some old newspapers in the corner and began eating them. Severus had to be content with this - at least the stupid animal wasn't eating his precious potions ingredients, or his even more precious Moonshine apparatus.

And there's no telling what would happen if it got into my pot-drying oven, thought Severus with a shudder.

After finishing off his meal, he returned to his work, but was soon interrupted when Black returned for the empty tray.

"Such wonderful service!" said Severus. "Why, if your name ever gets cleared, you could get a job as a waiter!"

Black opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by the goat, which nudged him gently and started chewing his shirttail. Black stared at the goat, and then at Severus, and then at the goat again.

"Oh yeah, while you're doing such a fantastic job," sneered Severus, "kindly get this animal out of here. I am using some very unstable ingredients and brewing some very complicated potions, and I really don't want it ruining them."

"What complicated potions would those be? Your moonshine tastes like goat's piss!"

"What an interesting insight. Well, I understand why you keep this animal around then. Go and have a drink, why don't you? You're interrupting my work!"

Sirius left, the goat trailing after him.

* * *

Hermione smoothed down her hair as she walked down the dungeon stairs. Her heart trembled in anticipation. Would the Potions Master succumb to her wiles?

She met Sirius going the other way, an empty tray in his hand. There was a goat following him. He was muttering under his breath: "...didn't work again! What did I do wrong this time? Surely she's..."

He broke off as he noticed Hermione. "What are you doing here?" he asked dumbly.

"Oh, I'm just going to see Professor Snape. I want to ask him about N.E.W.T. Potions exams."

Sirius forgot his own troubles. "Hermione, you're on holidays! And your N.E.W.T.'s are two years away!"

"Yes, well, no harm in getting ahead, is there?"

Sirius stalked off, muttering and shaking his head. Hermione entered the dungeon.

* * *

Severus carefully took the tray out of the oven and began packing the dried buds into small plastic bags. "Sweet Mary Jane," he said quietly. "You're all I've got left to live for."

"I could give you something to live for, Professor," said a seductive voice behind him.

Severus whirled around. "What did you... Granger! What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I was just wondering if, perhaps, you'd help me with my Potions homework?"

"Potions homework? It's summer, Granger! You don't have any Potions homework!"

"Well, I'm sure you can give me some... Severus. A bit of... private tuition, perhaps?"

Shocked at the girl's rudeness, Severus was just about to tell her off, when he heard the sound of cheering.

Startled, he looked behind him and realised that he was standing on a low stage. Beyond its edge, he could just discern a small crowd of onlookers through a haze of tobacco smoke. In the centre of the stage was a shiny vertical pole.

Of course, he thought. I forgot for a moment.

He was supposed to dance, of course. Yes - he could hear the music now. He was supposed to dance - and sing.

Hermione watched in horrified fascination as Snape began to dance. There was a vertical drainpipe running through the centre of the room, and he grabbed onto this for balance.

"I believe in miracles

(Do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya)

Where ya from?

You sexy thing..."

Then he began unbuttoning his robes.

Chapter 12

The Missing Ingredient

Ginny flipped through book after book, trying to discover a potion, which contained Boomslang Skin, Mandrake Root, Magic Mushrooms, goat's urine and what appeared to be a Muggle drug known as Ecstasy (it had taken her hours to figure out what that last ingredient was). She had found no perfect match, but she was beginning to form her suspicions. Her most useful clue, surprisingly enough, had come from the Muggle magazine, where she had finally found out what Ecstasy was.

"The primary effect of Ecstasy is a powerful sense of well-being, and an illusion of having a deep, spiritual connection with everybody around you."

After this promising start, the magazine article went on to describe all the undesirable effects of Ecstasy, ending with a warning to all parents never to let their children out of their sight, because the moment they do, the children will run straight to the nearest drug-dealer and gorge themselves on the little pills.

Ginny wondered briefly why anyone would go to so much trouble when all you needed for a sense of well-being was a good old-fashioned Cheering Charm.

At any rate, the "illusion of having a deep, spiritual connection with everybody around you" suggested that the fragrant brew she had discovered in Sirius's cupboard was a love potion. However, it was clearly not complete: after only a brief search through her books, Ginny realised that the one ingredient, which all love potions had in common, was missing from the flask of potion she'd swiped.

In fact, it was this essential ingredient, which was largely responsible for love potions now being illegal. After all, there was really no ethical way of obtaining virgin's blood.

"Now, where would Sirius be getting virgin's blood from?" she said aloud to herself.

And then she remembered: a goat chewing peacefully on the curtains... a goat rushing at her with its sharp little hoofs and horns.

Ginny was still rolling around on the floor laughing, when a pale and sick-looking Hermione walked into the room. She took one look at Ginny and snarled, "What the hell is so funny?"

Ginny took a few deep breaths and wiped a tear from her eye. "Oh... nothing," she said. "Just remembering Draco's rendition of 'YMCA'. What's up with you?"

"Er..." said Hermione, somewhat calmer now, "nothing. Sorry. Just saw something a bit..."

"What?"

"Oh, nothing! You know what? I think Fred and George are pretty cute! I wonder what it's be like to do it with twins?"

Ginny had to suppress a scream. "Ugh, Hermione, okay, that's enough! Snape was gross enough, but when it's my brothers, I don't want to know, okay? What happened to stirring Snape's cauldron, anyway?"

For a moment Hermione looked as if she would vomit, but she quickly regained control of herself. "Oh, I changed my mind about him. I'm over him."

"How come?"

"Believe me," replied Hermione darkly, "you don't want to know."