Let the Sun Shine Through

Chapter 5

Ghosts

It was one of those mornings when Lily felt sick again. They came every now and then since she had returned home. She would wake up, and, as though the nightmare had never happened, she would expect her mother to poke her head through the doorway and ask what she wanted for breakfast. Slowly, when the silence of the house, and of Lily's own head, pumped in her ears, it would come trickling back. Pumping, They're dead, they're dead, they're dead. It was like having to live through their deaths again and again....Every time, it made her vomit.

Would she ever get used to it?

James knocked on the bathroom door. "Are you all right, Lil?"

Lily stood up and flushed the toilet. "Yeah," she tried to say but her voice was too weak to be heard over the whirl of the toilet.

"Lily?"

"Yeah."

"Can I get you anything?"

"No."

Lily was suddenly hit with the memory of James walking her to the hospital wing that one time she got sick at school. The nurse had to kick him out because he kept getting in her way as he fussed over Lily. That night, he came back that night underneath his Invisibility Cloak and crawled into her bed. He wrapped himself around her feverish body and made up stories for her to listen to as she fell asleep. She remembered feeling so sick and yet, so happy.

Lily could sense James just outside the bathroom, standing there. When she turned on the faucet to brush her teeth and wash her face, she heard him walk away.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Lily found James over the stove, stirring a steaming pot of soup. Lily pretended she didn't notice and walked out onto the porch. She held herself tightly against the morning air as she stared into the distance, looking upon such beauty and feeling so empty, so hollow. She felt as though nothing held her to the Earth, as though she could be swept into the wind and disappear into the salt air.

Her eyes closed. She imagined the ocean around her. The thick, numbing water, pressing into her eyes, lifting her hair, filling her ears, her nose...her lungs. Darkness and silence everywhere. What if it could end like that? Softly and peacefully, the welcome end to feeling of being ripped to shreds.

What if?

"What are you thinking about?"

James's voice reached her from far away--blurred and faint, penetrating the surface like an arm pulling her from below; from where she did not want to be saved.

Lily opened her eyes and looked at him without turning her head away from the water. She suddenly became aware of the sand between her toes: She had walked off the porch to the edge of the water without realizing it.

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do," said James. But he didn't press her any further. Maybe he knew, maybe he had guessed. Maybe he figured thoughts were silent because they were that only thing that was truly yours to protect.

Lily looked back toward the sea, so close now that the mist dusted her face and caught on her hair. She tried to feel what she should have been feeling; uplifted, happy, hopeful. What she would have been feeling...before all the things she had to live for broke to pieces in front of her. She tried to feel those things and failed. Failed again at overcoming it, at being better, stronger, at making herself proud.

Lily's eyes fell. Her shoulders dropped.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" said James.

Lily could sense his eyes skirting along the horizon, a smile tugging at his lips. She could see his hand, so close to hers, yet itching with energy and action, unlike hers, limp and curled away from the chill. His whole body radiated with strength and passion, just because of the sunrise. He was alive with everything ahead of him. She felt like deadweight next to him, sinking into the sand, or training wheels he didn't want to part with, even though he rode better without them. She was a hindrance, a lifeless drain, trying to keep up--desperately--but slowing things down--selfishly.

* * *

Lily waited until dinner. All day, she could have done it but she waited, just to have one more day with him, soaking him up for the loneliness ahead. That's all she did, despite his invitations to go for a walk, to swim, to play Frisbee. She kept her distance and her eyes on him.

He had been out on her father's sailboat when he came in to make dinner. He entered the kitchen, his face rosy from the sun, his hair tangled from the wind, and breezy, happy, sea airiness about him. He was probably worn out from being in the sun all day and Lily was glad she had thought to pack some food for the trip.

James looked at her and a question immediately appeared on his face. He knew something was wrong, that something had changed. Lily stared up at him from the kitchen table, gazing into his face. The face that she loved, that she dreamt about, that she wanted to cup in her hands and smooth out the worry lines. The face that she had once hoped her children would have.

Lily took a deep breath, softly so that he could not hear, and opened her mouth.

"James, I think it's time for you to leave."

James took a step closer, his shoulders dropping slightly. "Leave?" he said. "Why?"

Why?

Because I can't keep you here to myself. Because I love you so much and I don't want you to become like me. I don't want you to watch me fail every time I try to feel. Because I'm not strong enough to hold you.

"Because we're not together anymore, James. We need to stop whatever this is and just move on," said Lily.

James looked at her. Lily tried very hard to read his expression. He looked defeated, and a little angry, a little understanding, a little sad. His face could say a million things at once.

His face. Lily looked away, tapping her finger against the table. When would this moment end?

James heaved a sigh. "Okay, Lily. If this is really what you want, there's nothing I can do. I'm not going to beg like last time." He made an attempt at a chuckle. "I know we're not together but I just thought you might need..."

"What I need is space," said Lily, so harshly, her words were like ice chips digging into his wonderful intentions.

He nodded, slowly, without removing his eyes from her face. She could feel his stare on her head when she looked down and her cheek when she looked to the side. It left a blistering mark where he had burnt right through her.

Lily jumped out of her seat. She could not wait any longer for him to leave and she knew she would not be able to watch when he did. "I packed some food for you. It's in the fridge," she said, as she dashed up the stairs.

* * *

Lily was leaving another class on another day. She pressed her books to her chest as she let her friends lead her to her next destination. Students milled all around her, their voices loud. Not loud enough. The noise could not reach her; it hit a wall, some invisible barrier between Lily and the world. Who knew how it got there or how long it would stay, but Lily...Lily wasn't sure if she wanted it to go.

Something touched her fingers, then grasped her hand. A voice whispered in her ear and, close as it was, she had to force herself to understand what it asked.

"How are you?"

He kissed her, right near the ear. That used to tickle, used to make her laugh. But all she could do was close her fingers around his hand and give an acceptable answer. "Fine."

"I missed you at breakfast."

"I slept in."

He rubbed her back, knowing otherwise. He knew too much. He was too close. She would have to do it soon.

"You must be starving. Let's go get lunch. How was Ancient Runes? Did you--HEY!"

Lily looked up at him. James was shouting at a boy a few feet behind them, who turned, surprised at the fury in James's voice.

"Apologize, you little git!" yelled James, reaching for his wand.

"What--?"

"James, what's the matter?" asked Lily, actually bewildered.

James looked at her. "He just rammed into you! Didn't you notice?"

Lily frowned and put her hand to her forehead. "What? No."

"I'm really sorry!" squealed the boy. "I was in hurry!"

"Just get out of here!" snapped James, but his voice had lost all its anger.

He took Lily's hand and squeezed it.

"When are you going to wake up?" he muttered softly.

* * *

The house was quiet. So quiet. Lily went to bed early but did not sleep until dawn. She spent the night staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out whether she was feeling regret or just the regular numbness.

When her mind quieted down enough to let her sleep, her dreams were laden with James's face. He would not leave her alone.

Nothing had changed by morning. Lily could not help wondering where he had gone after he left. Home to his parents? Or to live with Sirius? Maybe he would buy his own flat and find a job. Yes, she had done the right thing. Now he could start his real life, unhampered by her and her troubles. He had done his duty by her and now could have his peace of mind.

The weeks of summer quickly fell into the past. Time or the passing of it held no meaning for Lily. She stayed in the house and let the ghosts of her mother and father follow her around. She tried, for a little while, to fight off the ones of herself and James happy together, but eventually the memories won and she gave into them completely.

She lived as a ghost among ghosts.

* * *

James's head turned toward her as she approached, as though some alarm had sounded in his head. He knew. She could see it on his face.

"James, come here. I need to talk to you."

"Lily, don't. Please." There was fear in his eyes.

"Come on. Let's go for a walk." She took his arm and tried to pull him toward the porthole.

"If you're gonna do it, taking me outside is not going to make it any better," he said, his voice rising.

A few people around them looked up from their homework.

"Please listen to me, James."

"So I can hear what? 'It's not you, it's me'? 'Let's be friends'? What is your excuse going to be, Lily? Tell me."

Lily simply looked at him. Her composure only seemed to infuriate him further.

"I'd really like some privacy, James," she said.

James stood up. "No. Let's hear what you have to say right now, Lily!" He was yelling now, bending close to her face, trying to make her angry too, trying to get her to feel something.

She merely crossed her arms and looked back at him, waiting for him to calm down. They stared at each other for a moment, then James's reddened face began to pale and the furrow in his brow loosened as his eyes grew wide in comprehension. She was not going to get angry. This was not just another argument.

Lily turned and walked out the door, all eyes in the common room watching. He followed her.

She led him to an empty classroom and shut the door behind him.

When she turned back around, James was once again in her face. He grabbed her shoulders and shook her.

"You don't really want to do this, Lily! Think about it. You don't want to do this! Don't do this!" he cried.

When she showed no emotion he suddenly pressed her to his chest and held her there. "Lil, come on. It's me. You can open up with me. Open up! Please! I know what's going on with you. If you would just open up it would stop hurting so much. I know it! Ending us isn't going to help."

But Lily listened with a stone face. She stepped away from him and folded her arms to keep him from grabbing her again.

"I have to, James. I can't do this anymore," said Lily quietly. "I'm sorry."

He stared at her, his eyes widening with shock. Lily broke the gaze and started toward the door. James moved to block her, shaking his head, as if he hadn't actually believed she could utter the words. "Please. Lily."

"Goodbye, James." She tried to leave again but he held her firmly in place.

"You're making a mistake," he whispered, looking down at his hands clutching both her wrists. "I know that you're only doing this because they're gone. But you'll realize it soon. And I'll be waiting for you."

A flash of anger burst inside of her for second, taking her by surprise. "No. No, James. Don't wait for me," she said, frowning. "Don't do that to yourself."

James snapped his head up and glared at her. "Don't tell me what to do! Not now when you're breaking up with me as though I never meant a thing to you! I know I'm right! Run away if you want to! Punish yourself, feel guilty or ashamed or whatever other stupid thing you're putting yourself through but it's not gonna last. It can't last. My Lily is going to come back and I will wait for her."

A resonating silence followed. They stood there, glaring at each other, James still gripping Lily's wrists.

"Let me go," she said.

James dropped his hold. Lily walked by him and shut the door quietly behind her.

* * *

Lily replayed that moment, when she had first tried to rid her life of James, over and over in her head. He had been right, she had known it then and she knew it now, but she loved him too much to weigh him down with her and all her miserable ghosts. She tried not to imagine what it would be like if she had never done it. The image was too good and hurt too much. She had to remind herself that it was pain she deserved.

Instead, Lily tried to focus her efforts on hoping that he would move on. It was taking longer than she would have liked and she was fiercely regretting those few days when she had allowed him to stay, since it had probably voided any of the progress he had made.

He was so stubborn.

She remembered how he had refused to accept they were broken up back while they were still in school. How he had continued to walk her to meals and sit next to her in class. She had ignored it, until a few weeks later he ventured to hold her hand at dinner.

Lily had snatched her hand away and looked at him. He turned toward her, looking hopeful to catch a glimpse of some sort of humor or even anger in her face. But again, he found nothing.

"Enough, James. You need to leave me alone. I told you that we are over."

"I know. But I don't believe you meant it, he argued, oblivious to the interested audience of Gryffindors.

"Believe it. And let it go, already."

"You let it go, Lily! It's not your fault!"

"Stop it. You don't know me as well as you think you do. I just don't love you anymore!"

His face changed. Everyone saw it. The color vanished. Something went of his eyes and something died inside of Lily as she sat there and watched it leave.

* * *

The ghosts invaded everything. Every room she walked into, every stray thought, every last quiet minute. They stole her sleep when she tried to lie down for some peace. They followed her on walks down the beach and watched her eat. She looked in the mirror and saw a ghost of who she used to be. She felt them--James, her parents--everywhere. All the time.

They refused to let her forget them. They refused to let her take a breath without feeling their weight on her heart.

But they were her only company. They were the only piece of her old life she had left and Lily preferred living among them to losing them altogether, no matter what it cost her.