Let the Sun Shine Through

Recap of the end of Chapter 3 (part of a memory):

James grabbed hold of Petunia's arm and tried to force her toward the door. Sirius took her other arm. Petunia didn't move, but remained firmly planted in front of the bed, giving Lily a long, chilling glare. As James and Sirius yanked her away, she spat right in Lily's face.

"That's what you are, Lily! You--deserve--to--die!" Petunia screamed just before James and Sirius dragged her out the door. James kicked the door shut with a yell of fury. Lily sat motionless and stared at it, listening to the struggle.

"SHUT UP!" roared James.

Lily heard Petunia sobbing for her parents all the way down the stairs.

Chapter Four

Remembering

The sound reverberated in Lily's head as she remembered the last time her sister had spoken to her. She turned onto her side, turning her back to the window.

Don't think about it. Just don't think about it.

Saying this to herself usually helped her through the times when she felt on the verge of losing it....Or, she imagined that it helped. It was really just the fact that she could focus on whispering the words instead of missing her old life. It didn't matter to her what the words were as long as they didn't remind her of her parents or her sister or her old self, or even James. The aching was always there, the yearning for the past; she had to constantly, relentlessly work at not paying attention to it.

Lily never felt like she was living now; she just went through the motions. Even that took every effort she had. Get up. Shower. Eat, she had to tell herself several times in the morning as she lay in bed. Finally she would do it because it was what was supposed to be done but for all the meaning it held, she may as well have stayed in bed. The same went for talking to people, even her closest friends. Hello. Yes, and you? Smile. Nod. The night was spent trying not to think and in the morning it started all over again.

What was the point? There was none, but there was nothing in the alternative, either. Do what people expect and they won't ask questions. Fool them with the fake plastic exterior and they won't miss what it had replaced.

Lily missed it--the real thing--but she was afraid of what she would discover if she tried to fix it. What if it could never be rebuilt again? What if it had been neglected too long and was lost forever? What if it had never been that great after all?

Don't think about it. Just don't think about it.

But something had changed. Tonight something was different and whispering a chant was not going to be a sufficient distraction. Coming home, seeing James, feeling the wind, hearing the storm, talking to James, being in her old room...Thoughts were raining down on her, as though they had broken through a dam in her mind.

Don't think about it.

She stared at the window and saw herself running along the sand, shrieking with laughter as she drove a cluster of seagulls flapping into the sky. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't find that girl.

Just don't think about it.

Lily slammed her eyelids shut and the image of herself and Petunia as kids, bouncing on her bed, singing "She Loves You" at the top of their lungs flew into her head. Now Petunia wouldn't speak to her because she thought it was Lily's fault they no longer had parents.

Don't think about it.

She was squirming helplessly on the floor while her father tickled her.

Lily flipped onto her back, trying to ignore the aching pangs in her chest.

Her mother was exclaiming with delight at the plain white seashell Lily, six years old and beaming with pride, had found.

Her father's deep voice flowed through her ears as she curled up in his lap in the rocking chair, listening to him read.

Don't think about.

James was laughing.

Don't think about it! Lily's chant started to grow louder.

She was wrapped in his arms as they danced.

Don't...think... She was getting more and more desperate.

She could feel his lips on her neck.

Lily sprung to a sitting position. It wasn't working. She could not stop thinking, stop remembering. He had reminded her of what it felt like to feel alive again and it was too much. Reciting four words to herself was not going to suppress it any longer.

Not tonight.

She slipped off the bed and treaded straight to the door. She pulled it open and entered the hall, reaching for the knob of her sister's door. Quietly, she twisted it and stepped inside. Darkness pressed against her eyes but she knew James was somewhere in it and so it couldn't scare her.

Lily felt her way across the floor and stuck out her hands, groping for the bed. Creeping closer, she saw that the faint glow from the window vaguely lined James's sleeping form. She stood beside the bed, listening to him breathe before carefully lifting the corner of the covers and sliding in next to him. Propping her head on her hand, Lily reached for the mess of jet black hair nestled in the pillow and ran her fingers through it.

Oh.

Warmth spread through her body like fire as she gently combed through James's hair. How good it felt, to touch him again.

Suddenly his head lifted off the pillow and turned to face her. It was so dark she couldn't see his face.

"Lily." He spoke so softly she was not entirely sure he had said her name or if he had just sighed.

Keeping her hand buried in his hair, she slid closer to him, so that her body was pressed against his. She felt him stiffen.

He grunted, lifting his head off the pillow once more. "Lily..." This time, he said it louder and to her dismay, a note of exasperation was clear in his voice--something she had not expected at all.

But she pressed on. She didn't think she had ever needed anyone so badly before.

She bent her head close to his face and, estimating where his lips were, kissed him softly.

"Lily," he whispered again. "What are you doing?"

"Shhh," answered Lily, slipping her hands beneath his tee-shirt and kissing him again. His hand moved to her waist, holding her close as he kissed her back, deeply.

A series of tiny jolts made its way up her spine, stealing her breath. It was better than she remembered. Finally, finally, she was not thinking or missing anything.

Suddenly James groaned and broke away. "Stop."

"It's okay," she assured him quickly, laying a kiss on his chin, then another on his dimple, then another--

"No."

Lily's heart seemed to deflate as he ripped his head away from her and sat up, making sure they were no longer touching. It confused--and hurt her.

"I can't let you do this," he said, breathing heavily and not looking at her.

"Why not? I want to!" cried Lily, placing a hand on his chest. She couldn't help it.

"Because we both know you're not ready."

"I can be the judge of that, thank you," snapped Lily, trying to force anger in front of the tears that were constricting her throat.

"Obviously you can't," retorted James. "Lily, you can barely talk to me! You're not ready for this. You need to leave."

Lily sat up. She put both her hands on his chest and slowly moved close to him again.

"James, come off it. I'm a big girl. I can decide for myself," she said, moving closer.

James snatched her wrists and held them away from him.

"Please, James. I need this tonight. I need you." She could no longer keep the tears out of her voice.

James just stared at her stonily. "There it is. You have never needed me before, Lily. If you were yourself, you know, that in a heartbeat, I would let you do this but you're not. The Lily I know would never plead with me like this."

Lily's face burned with hot tears that were suddenly rushing down her face, dripping off her chin. She dropped her gaze.

"Now I think it would be a good idea if you went back to your room," said James quietly, releasing her wrists.

Lily lifted her head again, remembering that room where the darkness was so thick she was afraid she would melt into it until she disappeared completely.

"No. I can't go back in there. James, just let me stay here for the night. Nothing has to happen, I promise."

"No."

Lily stared at him, shocked, hurt, and humiliated. How could he do this to her?

"Please. I can't go back in there," she said again after a long silence.

"Yes, you can. And you know it. You may not want to, but you can."

She moved away from him slightly but gripped onto the sheets with a firm hold. He really isn't going to let me stay.

"Okay." She put her feet on the floor and stood up. "Okay, I'm going back in there."

"Okay."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Lily."

Lily left and this time, she did not pause outside her door but dashed inside. She was mortified and frankly, wanted nothing more than to bury herself in her bed and never come out. Flying across the room, she flung open the window, letting the breeze soothe her burning face. Then she collapsed onto the bed.

I am such an idiot, was all she could think as she smothered her face in her pillow. She spent the next half hour or so wallowing in variations of this thought. Why am I so stupid? What was I thinking? I must have seemed so desperate. I'll never be able to face him. What a stupid ass I am.

Then something else occurred to her.

He could have been nicer.

She flipped onto her back, taking a deep, indignant breath. Her bitter thoughts turned to him. I mean, I've lost my whole family, of course I'm lonely. He could have at least been a little more sympathetic, rather than making me feel like such an idiot.

What the hell was he talking about anyway? Asshole.

* * *

A few hours later, Lily was in the kitchen making tea as the sun began to rise over the ocean. Although she had barely gotten twenty minutes of sleep during the night, she felt more awake, more refreshed, than she had in a long time. She drank her tea out on the porch, watching the golden waves roll toward the beach. Then she took a shower and dried her hair. She put on makeup, some jean shorts and a tank top. When James finally came downstairs, she was sitting on the porch steps, a book in one hand, an apple in the other. She didn't look up when she heard his footsteps on the porch or when he cleared his throat.

He hesitated. "Look, Lily, I'm sorry about last night."

"Don't apologize. You know you were right," she said, flipping a page.

"But I am sorry that I had to do that." He sat down next to her. "You understand, don't you?"

"Oh yeah, I understand. I was being an idiot." Lily finally looked up from her book. "What I don't understand is why you are here in the first place. To boss me around or just make me feel like a fool?"

"Lily, I never meant--" started James, looking alarmed.

"Or maybe you just came here to confuse me because I'm not feeling scattered enough as it is, what with coming home for the first time since my parents died and all. Because I thought I made it clear to you that I can't deal with this right now."

James took a deep breath and caught her gaze, holding it there with pained eyes. "Lily, I came because I know you haven't been yourself since your parents died and I wanted you to know you're not alone and that even though you feel separate from everyone, there are still people that care about you."

"What do you mean, not myself? Why do you keep saying that?" snapped Lily, fighting his eyes. "Who are you to come here, uninvited, and act like you know all about what I'm feeling?"

James bent his head and then lifted it again as though deciding how he wanted to answer.

"I mean that you, Lily, are not just some meek little girl. You put your opinion out there, whether or not other people like it. You stand up for yourself and whatever you think is right, you boss people around, and you put up a fight when it's necessary. You're a force to be reckoned with, not that person sitting in the corner hoping they're not being too much of a bother to anyone. You speak your mind. You do whatever you feel like, no matter how crazy it is. You yell and sing and laugh and you don't care who's watching because you're proud of yourself."

As Lily listened to James, a strong, bitter sadness nipped her in several places. She felt so far away from the girl he was describing.

"I know you and I still love you. That's why I came." James paused and tilted his head to the side, smiling vaguely. "You haven't been you for quite some time," he said softly. "But you know that, don't you?"

Lily turned to the sea and did not reply. She could feel his eyes watching for her reaction but he was right. She knew all too well.

"I wanted to see if I could help you...coax yourself out of that shell," continued James.

Finally Lily shook her head, clenching her eyes shut. "I don't think so. She's just not there anymore, James."

James laughed gently. "No, Lil. You're somewhere in there. You're much too strong to let this break you."

Lily remained silent, not believing.

"Just be patient. It'll come," said James, following her gaze out toward the water.

She looked at him, feeling an empty sort of amusement, like she was looking at a naively optimistic child. He doesn't get it. I'm gone. The girl he loves is gone.

"Yeah, I'm sure you're right." With that, Lily stood up, a feeling of exhaustion and weakness rushed through her all over again. She went inside, leaving James on the porch steps, and fell asleep on the couch.

* * *

The funeral of Harold and Pauline Evans took place three days after their murder, a few hours after Lily woke up. Mrs. Potter arranged it all and everyone gathered at the little chapel in town. Lily sat between James and her Aunt Judy, staring at the minister and making herself cry at the appropriate moments. Emotions were just a show, a way to ward off questions. Daughters cry at their parents' funeral--they don't scream and pound the floor and physically hurt themselves for not being there to stop it all, like Lily really felt like doing. No, they put on a brave face underneath the welling tears--or they burst out sobbing and moaning halfway through the service like Petunia did from the other end of the pew.

All the guests, except for Petunia, who left right after the funeral without a word to Lily, came to the house afterward to sit around, eating Mrs. Potter's food and toasting the Evans. In a daze, Lily listened to each of their condolences and their "poor darlings" and politely refused their offers of help, assuring them she would be just fine. What she really wanted was for them to leave...leave her all alone like she deserved.

She was nodding to something some distant relative was saying when someone took her hand and pulled her off to the corner. Lily turned to James, fixing an disapproving look on her face.

"What are you doing? That was rude, James, they've come a long way to be here and I really should be over there talking--"

"That's nice of them but you've had enough. Why don't you go upstairs and lie down? I'll take over being the host," said James, bending his head over hers and taking her other hand.

Lily glanced down at his chest when she saw the calculating look of deep concern in his eyes.

"No, no. I'm fine. I should really stay down here." She broke away from his grasp and hastened back into the cluster of guests. He had been watching her closely all day...too closely. Lily knew he was not buying anything she was putting on and it scared her. She could not stand to be around him for too long or she might break down--and he might see that she was broken.

Later that night, when everyone had left, she was in the kitchen helping Mrs. Potter clean up.

"Lily, dear, stop it. I'm all set here. Go to bed," said Mrs. Potter firmly, as she snatched the plate Lily was washing.

"But you've done so much already," protested Lily. "I can't let you clean up this mess by yourself."

"You must be exhausted, dear. Go lie down, relax, have a glass of wine. You'll be going back to school next week so take advantage of the time you have now."

"I've been asleep for three days, Mrs. Potter!" cried Lily, attempting a smile. "I'm fine."

"I wasn't talking about physical exhaustion."

"I'm fine," Lily said again. Fine, fine, fine! Why didn't anyone seem to understand that word?

"Please. It would make me feel better if you went upstairs to get some rest."

Lily hung her head. "I'd much rather be keeping busy."

Mrs. Potter reached up and lifted her chin so that Lily looked right into her eyes...James's eyes. "Lily, the deeper you let yourself feel right now, the faster you will be able to move on. Don't be afraid of what you're feeling."

Lily shifted uncomfortably, recognizing defeat. "Okay, I'll go upstairs."

"Thank you. Goodnight, Lily."

"Goodnight." Lily swept away, avoiding eye contact with James as she passed the living room. She shut herself up in her room but not much relaxing got done that night.