Let the Sun Shine Through

Chapter Three

Starless Night

Lily closed Petunia's door behind her and stepped across the hall. She stood in front of her old bedroom door for a moment, trying to imagine that it was the same little room she used to love. The one in which she had spent an entire summer laying sea green paint over the pale blue her mother had picked out before Lily was born. She pictured the room where her father used to make her feel like the most amazing girl in the world for growing half an inch as he marked her height on the closet doorway. She envisioned the light, airy curtains embroidered with tiny lilies and the matching bedspread that she had curled up in for hours on end, thinking, reading, dreaming, sleeping, crying....Her mother had sat on the bedspread through much of it, rubbing her back or just listening. Lily tried to see the pink braided rug her grandmother had made upon which she had danced and dressed and sat playing dolls.

This room--it was the place where she had laughed and lived during the time when she had dashed through life with a sharp tongue and eyes full of hope. Lily grasped the doorknob, pretending that she was entering the peace and comfort of her childhood setting and not the place that she had lain in helplessly while she was abandoned by herself.

She opened the door and the bright images died in the thick darkness that met her eyes. The curtains and the bedspread and the rug were still there, same as always, but all the life they had been filled with was gone. It had escaped somehow--seeped out through the walls, between the floorboards, or through cracks in the ceiling. In its absence, shadows had grown, like mold over everything, infesting every corner of the room.

Lily treaded numbly across the floor, the feeling the braids of the pink rug under her bare feet, and slipped onto the bed. She was very cold: the darkness seemed to be invading her insides. But she did not get under the covers. Instead, she lay stiffly across the embroidered lilies, gazing at the soft grey glow misting from the window. The fog pressing against the glass seemed to smother her. She was not able to stop her mind from traveling to the last time she had spent time in this room, after the murder of her parents. Memories filled her, suffocating like the fog.

* * *

Lily screamed and screamed. The wrenching sound ripping out of her lungs never seemed to reach her ears. She never felt James's arms clamp around her, just before the ground crashed into her knees. He sank slowly to the floor, Lily crumpled in his lap. The screams turned into fast, heaving gasps that jerked her body violently.

She wanted to look away, but she couldn't. Her vision was hazy but the images of her mother and father's wide empty stares were too sharp to bear. She didn't blink. Her eyes became dry and began to water. James closed his hand over them and turned her head to the side.

"Breathe. Just breathe, Lily."

His voice was so far away, she could barely hear it. Her neck seemed to have withered, leaving her head to loll to the side. Beads of darkness crept across her eyes.

The darkness stayed with Lily for a long time. It clouded over her brain and shielded her eyes. She felt as though she was soaring though a starless night, lost and alone. Sometimes, it faded out slightly and she felt someone spooning mush into her mouth or wiping her face with a towel. Sometimes she knew she was in bed, wrapped in a pair of arms and the familiar voices reached her ears, making strange, senseless sounds. Most of the time, however, Lily knew nothing but millions of wide, staring eyes, contained inside an empty house.

Lily's ears tuned in and out to soft, fuzzy voices like a radio. She heard them but they made no sense to her.

"How is she?"

"Still out."

"Damn it, James. Why did this have to happen to her?"

She drifted back into silence. Then she was vaguely aware of some commotion.

"Get the hell away from here!" someone was bellowing.

"Mr. Black, be reasonable. We have to ask her some questions. The investigation--"

"Don't tell me to reasonable, you bastard! She's unconscious!"

"We can revive her."

"You're not bothering her for some bloody paper!" snapped a calmer, closer voice. "Sirius, get them off the property before I get out my wand and hurt someone."

"Aye, aye." There was some movement and sounds of protests. Then a loud bang fired off like a gunshot, followed by screams and rushing footsteps.

"Lucky I didn't kill them, the fucking idiots."

Again, Lily became engulfed in silence.

When she finally did wake up, she heard some soft, creaking noises. It took her awhile to realize she was not drifting high in the air but in her very own room. She opened her eyes and after a moment, saw that she was not alone. Someone was slouched over in the rocking chair, tilting back and forth very slowly. The darkness covered him too. He was long and thin, so she guessed it was her dad. He loved that rocking chair.

Lily didn't move or think. She had a feeling it would hurt very much to try. So she just lay there, listening to the steady creaks of the rocking chair.

Then the door opened and hazy golden light trickled into the room. It washed over James, who Lily saw actually sat in the rocking chair, and lit up his colorless face.

Lily thought. Slowly, it came to her. Slowly and painfully. Oh yeah, Dad's not here anymore.

"Prongs, mate, come on and eat something," whispered the deep voice of Sirius Black. It sounded different, though, much heavier.

James did not look up or speak. He just rocked the chair.

"Come off it, mate. She's going to be fine."

"I'm not hungry," murmured James. His voice was frail and wobbly.

"James."

"I'm not hungry."

There was a heavy sigh from the door before it closed.

James's rocking did not pause. Lily listened. He rocked. She did not know what was going on. The words the boys had exchanged sailed into her ears and hovered for a moment before jumbling all together till they made no sense. She was too tired to even try to put them back together.

So she just listened and the rocking chair creaked until she faded away again.

The next time Lily awoke, daylight had come. When she opened her eyes, they were immediately pummeled by a blast of sunlight. Too bright. She could hear commotion below her. After a moment the light seemed to dim a little and she made out James in the rocking chair. He wasn't rocking anymore. He was watching her. It took him a little while to realize she was watching him too, as though he thought he was surely imagining it. His eyes came alive.

He stood up and sat close to her on the bed. "Hi."

Lily sunk deeper into her pillow. He was looking at her so closely. James always looked at her closely. She used to like the feeling of his watchful gaze and sometimes she would stare right back at him, unabashed, proud of what he would see if he looked hard enough. Now she could not bring herself to peer into those hazel eyes. She was just a pile of broken pieces and she couldn't let him see. Sweep them under the carpet, anything to hide the mess, so long as he couldn't see how delicate she had turned out to be.

The door opened and Sirius poked his head in.

"James, the Ministry officials are back. They want--" he began, then his eyes swept over Lily. "Hey, Evans, you're back. How are you feeling?"

Lily slowly pushed herself up to a sitting position. How was she supposed to answer that question? She was feeling nothing, really. But that didn't sound right. She was feeling a million different things. But that didn't sound right, either.

"I'm fine," she said softly, trying to believe it.

James laid a hand on her forehead as though checking for a fever. Lily looked down at her lap.

"We missed you," said Sirius, stepping into the room. "You've been out for three days now."

Three days? It felt like months...years, even. Three days! It felt like hours.

James's hand glided down her cheek and tucked some hair behind her ear. He was still watching her very closely.

"Well, Ev, what would you like? Mrs. Potter's here and she's cooked up all the food in the U.K. so anything you want, we can get it for you."

"Oh, I'll just get some water." Lily glanced at James uneasily before ducking the big hand that still rested on her face and started to slide her feet off the bed.

"But you must be ravenous," protested Sirius, looking disappointed.

"No, really, I couldn't eat anything yet--"

Lily was cut off by a scream from downstairs followed by pounding footsteps. The next second Petunia Evans barged in, thrusting Sirius aside.

"YOU KILLED THEM!" she screeched, marching to Lily's bedside and shoving a trembling finger in her face. "You killed them, you little freak!"

Her face was bright red with pure rage and her normally perfectly made hair and clothes were in disarray. Lily felt herself recoil.

"Hey, that's not right! Back off, lady!" cried Sirius, recovering from his surprise. He grabbed Petunia's arms and tried to pull her back.

"Let go of me! LET GO!" Petunia went wild. She wrenched around in Sirius's grasp and finally pulled free with a mighty yank of her arms. Wasting no time, she bore back down on Lily, who stared up at her speechlessly. "I can't believe you! Your own parents!"

"You're out of your mind! Lily had nothing to do with it!" barked James. He had leapt off the bed in his anger. "How dare you blame her?!"

But Petunia did not seem to hear him. She lowered her voice to a venomous hiss. "You didn't care. You didn't care one bit. You just had to go off to that school. You just had to do your magic. You had to become one of them. I knew it was no good. I knew. But they wouldn't listen to me. And look what happened!" She spread out her arms triumphantly, a cold smile on her bony face. "Mum and dad--killed because of them. Because of you."

"No." James strode around the bed. His eyes were wide and grave when he glanced at Lily. "No--Lily...no. You're getting out of here. You're sick."

James grabbed hold of Petunia's arm and tried to force her toward the door. Sirius took her other arm. Petunia didn't move, but remained firmly planted in front of the bed, giving Lily a long, chilling glare. As James and Sirius yanked her away, she spat right in Lily's face.

"That's what you are, Lily! You--deserve--to--die!" Petunia screamed just before James and Sirius dragged her out the door. James kicked the door shut with a yell of fury. Lily sat motionless and stared at it, listening to the struggle.

"SHUT UP!" roared James.

Lily heard Petunia sobbing for her parents all the way down the stairs.