Let the Sun Shine Through

Chapter Two

Mashed Potatoes

Lily let her head fall lazily against the back of the lounge chair. It was too heavy to hold up. Her eyes followed James's thin body hopping in and out of the waves. He looked like he was truly enjoying himself.

She sighed, closing her eyes and inhaling the cool salty breeze. She used to know every curve, every muscle, every flaw of that body. She missed it...its warmth, its soft, smooth skin, the way it smelled like a windy spring morning. How it fit so nicely to her side. She missed running her hands through that dark, wild hair, snuggling into the crook of his arm, watching the muscles of his shoulders as he walked, and the feeling she got when his mouth spread into a grin. She missed it all so much it hurt just watching him splash and move in the water.

She missed it but she did not want it. Not now. Maybe someday she would, but if he had stopped waiting by then, eventually she would stop aching for it, right?

Lily listened to the soft sounds of the waves crushing the shore, the wind whipping the house...the sand...her hair...with a low, sweet hum, the screeching of the gulls as they skimmed the rocky surface of the sea, searching for food.

It was growing softer. She was drifting away from it all....

She was standing in the midst of a large group of people, all her own age. Something was funny and she was laughing, but no sound came out of her mouth. Everyone was talking, laughing, and singing. They were moving their mouths but every noise they made was silent. They were all dancing to silent music. Lily somehow knew a good song was playing.

Someone tall and broad, with long black hair was holding her hand up high and spinning her around. His face was blurred but Lily knew it was Sirius. They always loved to try to dance all fancy and skillfully. And they were always horrible. He suddenly let her fall into a low dip and then yanked her up sharply with a tug of his arm. He put a little too much force into it, however, and she was flung out of his grasp.

But she fell right into another pair of arms. Lily knew them well. They were James's, though his face was also indistinct when she turned around. She was locked in his embrace as he said something to Sirius, shouting over the music and laughter. Lily's face was buried just below his chin but she could feel him grinning.

That wonderful, wonderful, beautiful grin.

Lily reckoned they should go home. They wove through their friends, waving and smiling as they said their goodbyes. Lily felt weightless, as if she was gliding through the room attached to James. They had had a good time and they were happy.

The stars were out and it was oddly warm for December. The next second, they were in the living room of the house by the sea. Lily and James talked loudly and quickly, still wound up and full of energy, but it was then that things began to slow down. They were still chatting when they strolled into the dining room, moving slower and slower....

Lily saw her mother first. She was still sitting at the table, only she was not really sitting. She was just there, no longer doing anything. Just an inanimate object in a chair. Then somehow, her brain managed to direct her eyes down to the floor where her father was sprawled.

Very slowly, Lily fell, tipping gradually over. She never hit the floor, she just kept on falling and falling until finally, she was lost in thick, black darkness, where there was nothing to think about.

There was a ragged, scuffling sound, and Lily opened her eyes. James was settling into the chair next to hers, his feet coated with sand and his hair matted with seawater. It sprayed out in all directions. His bare chest was pulsing up and down, as though he had sprinted up the beach from the water.

It took Lily a second to remember that she could not touch him anymore.

"You fall asleep?" he asked, squinting at her.

"Yeah, I suppose I did." Lily stretched and shifted in her chair. "Did you have a nice swim?"

"Oh, yeah, you should have come out with me, Lil. It was terrific. The waves were unbelievable."

"The water wasn't too cold?"

"Nah, it was perfect." James sighed as he straightened out his legs and folded his arms behind his head. "Blimey, I would have died to grow up here. I don't know how you could have left it to go to Hogwarts."

Lily shrugged. She pulled her feet up on her chair and hugged her knees. The feeling of that memory lingered in her head. It always took awhile for it to leave her when she had that dream.

"You alright?"

"Yeah. I'm fine, why?" replied Lily stoically.

"I don't know. You seem like you're far away or something," said James.

"I'm right here."

James leaned close and stared at her for a moment. Lily tried to make herself meet his gaze but she dropped it after a second and cast her eyes downward. James didn't move and Lily picked nervously at a toenail. Then he tossed himself back against the chair and stood up, as though he had received a shock of energy.

"I'm famished so I'm gonna make some lunch. What do you want?" he asked.

"Nothing for me, thanks."

James put his hands on his hips. "That's not an option," he said, after a pause.

Lily glared up at his stern face. "What are you, my father?"

It was a casual reference but it shifted the atmosphere. She had no father. There was an awkward pause during which neither of them spoke. Then James crouched down in front of Lily's chair. He put his hands on her feet and smiled up at her.

"What do you want for lunch?" he asked again.

"I'm not hungry. You made me a huge breakfast."

"You have to eat, Lil."

"Do I?"

"I'm serious."

"James Potter? Serious?" Lily furrowed her brow in mock confusion.

James grinned. "You're mixing me up with Sirius Black."

"Oh right. Him."

"Yes. That bloke who has seriously failed to live up to his name."

"He still has time."

"What do you want to eat?" James had always been persistent. It was the reason she had become so close to him in the first place.

But Lily was stubborn. The combination had been one of the greatest strengths of their relationships and at the same time, the greatest downfall. "I don't think there's any food in the kitchen."

"Are you kidding?" snorted James. "I brought loads of food."

"James, I don't know why you came here, but I don't need you to take care of me." Lily felt the muscles in her face tighten.

"Well, pardon me, but I disagree," retorted James, without hesitation.

Lily glared at him. She hated how used to her he had become.

"Come on, Lil." There was more of a plea in his voice now. "Anything you want, I'll make it for you. You just have to eat something."

Lily considered. Perhaps she had become easier to persuade or perhaps it was that James was so well-practiced at it. Or maybe, it was being so close to his face again that softened her. "Anything I want?"

"Anything," repeated James, giving his head a little shake.

"Okay...." She took her time deciding. She did not feel hungry for anything. Her body was not used to the amount of food James had made for breakfast and it was slow to digest it. But there was something she could eat anytime, whether she was hungry or not. "How about some mashed potatoes?"

James grinned. Her heart ached at how genuinely happy he looked. "Right away."

He jumped to his feet and hurried inside. Lily heard him whistling over the clatter of pots and pans and the rushing of water in the sink. Less than twenty minutes later, he emerged from the sliding glass doors carrying two plates piled high with steaming mashed potatoes.

"Voila," he said, placing one of the plates on the table before her with a flourish.

He brought out a pitcher of lemonade and two tall glasses and sat down across from Lily. Feeling his wary eyes on her, Lily scooped some of the potatoes onto her fork and slipped it into mouth, ignoring the broccoli and biscuit James had slipped onto the plate.

The food were perfect; warm, salty, with just enough butter. With pleasure, Lily let it slide down her throat and loaded up her fork again. When she looked up, James was watching her closely, wearing a pleased expression.

"What's the verdict?" he asked.

"Delicious," smiled Lily. "I didn't know you were a chef."

"You don't know everything about me," replied James, taking a bite of his own lunch.

"When did you learn to cook?"

"My mum taught me throughout my entire childhood. She said she didn't want my wife to have to cook every night for there to be a decent meal on the table like she had to with my dad," James explained with a chuckle. "His culinary skills extend as far as making toast."

Lily laughed. "My mum did most of the cooking too. Daddy made better pancakes and spaghetti sauce, though. Mum tried to teach me a few times, but it was a mess. I do it better with magic."

They continued to chat through the afternoon until the sun dipped into the ocean, splashing hues of orange and pink across the sky. Then the wind grew chilly and great grey clouds rolled in. They moved inside to lounge around the kitchen table, listening to the rain and the ocean battle outside and the roar of thunder shaking the earth. They ate more mashed potatoes for dinner, washing them down with red wine.

The storm was still raging when they wandered into the hall upstairs in the early hours of the morning.

Lily opened the door of her sister's bedroom, where hot pink blasted off the walls and flowery furniture sat under a thin layer of dust. "You can sleep in here if you want. I know it's probably not your preferred style of décor but the bed's more comfortable than the couch."

"What are you talking about? I love pink," scoffed James, as he squeezed past her through the doorway, gripping a small suitcase.

"Well, you know where everything is. Help yourself to whatever you need in the bathroom," said Lily through a yawn.

James nodded. "I'm all set. Are you gonna make it to your own room? You look about ready to pass out right here." His voice was hoarse and soft, like it always did when he drank.

Lily shot him a look halfway between a glare and a smile. "I am. But I think I'll make it somehow. The prospect of spending the night on the floor is not very appealing."

"Okay then."

They both glanced down. Lily would have left at that moment but she did not find the prospect of spending the night alone in her childhood bedroom very appealing either. Everything in that room reminded her of them. Thousands of memories were living inside of it. She knew once she stepped inside, they would charge at her, ripping her apart.

Lily felt James's hand on her arm. The contact blew a warm breeze through her body. She looked up and felt his eyes all around her.

"Goodnight, Lil."

He leaned forward. Lily's hand was itching to reach up and touch his face but she kept it at her side. She pressed it firmly to her thigh and kept her eyes wide open but she could not stop herself from holding her breath.

James bent his head and gently rested his cheek against hers. His skin was warm and smooth. Lily's eyelids fell together. Her thoughts were growing hazy, like his breath she in her ear. He dropped a kiss on her cheek and then turned and headed toward the bed. It was so quick, Lily was thrown by the feeling that she had been stabbed. She felt drained and ragged.

"Goodnight," she whispered.