Let the Sun Shine Through

Chapter Six

In Deep

James packed up his stuff and left that night, numb with shock. He couldn't believe he was still being rejected by Lily Evans. After everything, after all they had been through, she was still sending him packing.

And this time, it hurt a thousand times more because this time, all he had tried to do was give her company so she didn't have to be alone in that godforsaken house.

Why, why did he insist on putting himself through this?

The answer was easy: He could not keep away from Lily. It had been his curse since the very first time she had laughed in his face. Something had changed in him then, like a light bulb turning on and showing what it was he wanted. What he wanted was Lily and he hadn't looked back since. It had been a long, uphill fight, but somehow he had eventually tricked her into being with him. How had he let her slip through his fingers?

The truth was he never had her. Not really. She had him. Always--right in the palm of her hand. And now, even in her darkest moment, she was casting him away again and there was nothing he could do to stop it. She had him and she didn't give a shit.

He felt like she was closing her fingers around him, crushing his stupid, powerless body.

So once again, he left, ending up at the doorstep of Sirius Black.

Sirius opened the door and knew right away what had happened. He had seen that look on his best friend many times before. That look that said, "She's done it again--gone and squashed me like a bug."

"Aw, mate, not again." He patted James on the shoulder and let him inside his flat. "I told you to let her alone. What'd she say this time?"

James, averting his eyes in shame, dropped onto the sofa. "Not together anymore blah blah...need space blah blah...I have to move on."

Sirius winced and grabbed two firewhiskeys from the kitchen. "She's right you know," he said, as he handed one to James.

James glared at him as he took the drink. "Oh, that helps. As if I'd forgotten she dumped me."

Sirius sat down in the armchair and kicked his heels up onto the coffee table. "Well, you did try to go live with her, which isn't something ex-boyfriends generally do."

James looked at him. "You don't get it, Sirius. Her parents are dead. I was there with her when she found them! I had to see her go through all that shit. She's not just my ex-girlfriend. She was going back home for the first time and I just couldn't let her do that alone."

Sirius raised his bottle, toasting James. "And you didn't. But now that's over and she wants to be by herself."

"I dunno, Padfoot. I dunno," mumbled James, staring into his firewhiskey. "I've never seen her so...desperate."

Sirius frowned. "Desperate? Lily?"

"Yeah." James took a deep swig of his drink. "It was strange. She wouldn't do anything--just sat there staring at the water. For hours. She seemed happier when we were talking, but apparently she couldn't wait to get rid of me."

Sirius furrowed his brow in thought. "I don't know what to tell you. I could never figure her out."

"I thought I had." James sighed and drained his firewhiskey.

"I think you did too, while you were dating. But then she changed when her parents were killed. I doubt she can even figure herself out now."

James shook his head. "What am I supposed to do now?"

"Who knows? Find yourself a new girl to chase."

* * *

James stayed with Sirius over the next couple of months. They had a good time, living together again. Sirius brought James out to the city to visit pubs and tried to make him forget about Lily. They both knew it was hopeless.

At night, as he tried to sleep on Sirius's sofa, the questions started buzzing in his head. What was Lily doing now? How was she feeling? Was she lonely? Was she better off now that he was gone, or worse? Was she still having nightmares? Did she still wake up sick? Was she eating?

On and on they went; the questions never stopped. Always buzzing, never letting him sleep. Buzzing louder until he had to get up. They set him pacing. One night Sirius woke up and found him rehashing his usual path around the sofa.

"Come off it, mate. Are you ever going to let yourself sleep?" he demanded through a yawn as he lifted his arms over his head in a stretch.

James rubbed his face and gripped his hair in frustration. He let out a low, exhausted moan. "I can't. I keep thinking about her."

Sirius laid a hand on his friend's arm to stop his pacing. "Listen. If I know Lily, she'll be fine. She'll pull through. She always does," said Sirius. Then he gave James a hard punch in the stomach. "Now, snap out of it. Stop worrying about her. Merlin, I've never seen you worry about anything this much."

"Oh, go back to your beauty sleep, you prat," said James angrily, punching him back.

"I would, but you're keeping me awake again!" retorted Sirius, taking a shot at James's shoulder.

"Quit it!" James cried, furious, moving to pummel Sirius in the face. He was tired, he was frustrated, and his Sirius had burnt out his last nerve.

Sirius ducked. Bent over, he charged at James, knocking him to the floor. "Quit crying over Evans!" He shouted, staring down at his friend.

"What do you think I'm trying to do?!" yelled James. He raised his legs and kicked Sirius in the back of the knees, making him crash down to the floor next to him. Then, furiously, they both started hitting each other. "You're such an idiot!"

"Oh, I'm the idiot?"

"Yeah!"

"At least I'm not still hung up on a girl who broke up with me six months ago!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck yourself! Since Evans won't."

At this, James disentangled himself with a jerk and sprung to his feet, outraged. Sirius started laughing. "Aw, come on, that was funny! Someone had to say it! What are you doing?"

James stomped around the flat, snatching up his things.

"Oh come off it, Prongs! Stop being an ass! It was a joke! Where're you going? Where the hell--"

But James slammed the door of the flat before Sirius could finish. Fuming, he stalked out of the building and started marching down the sidewalk, still barefoot. It was probably about three o'clock in the morning and he had no idea where he was going to go in nothing but boxers and a t-shirt but he was not going to stay there with Sirius. That asshole.

"Prongs! Prongs, wait up!"

James glanced behind him and saw Sirius running after him. He was wearing a pair of boots that reached up to his bare knees and the shoelaces were flying around his ankles. James tucked his bag under his arm and quickened his pace.

"Prongs! Where are you going?! You don't even have any shoes! Slow down!" yelled Sirius. "James!"

James swung around, blood pumping in his ears. "What do you want?" he yelled back. "I'm going to fuck myself like you said!"

At that moment they both heard someone cry, "Hey! Keep it down!" and slam their window shut.

Sirius caught up to him, a strained look on his face. James glanced at the shut window and cracked a grin. He knew Sirius was bursting and he couldn't help it. Sirius let go, laughing, loud and breathless.

James shook his head, still grinning. "You're such an asshole."

Sirius nodded, still laughing. "I know," he gasped. "Sorry. You don't have to fuck yourself, though the whole town would know if you did." He broke up with a fresh burst of laughter. "I give you permission to kick my ass."

Finally, James started to laugh and Sirius swung his arm around his shoulder. They headed back toward Sirius's flat, sniggering in their boxers like drunks.

"I don't need your permission to kick your ass," said James, when they had caught their breath.

"Yeah, alright."

James hesitated. Then he said, "And for your information, Lily wanted to...you know...."

"Fuck?"

"Yeah."

Sirius's eyebrows flew up. "But?"

"I didn't let her."

Sirius turned toward him, his mouth dropping open. "You're full of shit." When James just stared at him, he stopped dead and slapped his hand to his forehead. "Why didn't you let her?"

James shook his head solemnly. "We're not together. She wasn't ready," he muttered.

"Merlin, Prongs. You are in deep."

James simply nodded. After a moment he said quietly, "I'm really worried about her."

"I see that. Have you tried writing her?"

"What good will that do? I already tried forcing myself on her but she just doesn't want any part of me. She made that much clear."

"Well, she did want to fuck you. I wouldn't say she made it that clear."

James ignored him. "I can't go back there."

"So what now, then? You love this girl and you're just going to give up and go on being sleep-deprived until you drive yourself mad? Lily's been known to reject you--yeah--but she's also been known to change her mind."

James started walking again. "This is different. I don't want to have to convince her to let me stay. I just want to know how she's doing. That's all." Suddenly, James turned and hit Sirius on the shoulder. "You can go!"

Sirius stared at him. "You're mental. You'd rather me go see her?"

"Yeah! Just drop by as a friend and check in. It's a natural thing to do. Just to see how she is."

"Okay, okay, fine, if it'll make you feel better. I'll go tomorrow," agreed Sirius as they climbed the stairs to Sirius's flat.

"Make sure there's food in the fridge," said James, a million concerns popping back into his head as they reentered the living room. "You know what, you should probably just bring some. I had to practically force-feed her while I was there. And try to find out if she's been sleeping all right. See if she looks pale, or tired. She used to wake up with these nightmares--"

Sirius slammed his hand over James's mouth. "Don't make me knock you out!"

James wiggled free. "Whatever you do, don't tell her I'm here or she'll know I sent you."

Sirius turned and headed for his bedroom. "Shut up and go to bed!"

James smiled and collapsed onto the sofa, taking a deep breath of relief. Before he knew it, the buzzing questions had quieted down and let him sleep at last.