The Hogwarts Adventure

The Hogwarts Adventure (13)

Part One -- Year Six -- One-shot -- Size Nine-and-a-Half -- Number Two Pencil -- Forty-two.

When Harry Potter walked into the Great Hall of Hogwarts School at the beginning of his sixth year, his entire world turned upside-down.

"Hey! Everything's upside-down!" Harry said, irritated; and it was true. The entire Great Hall had been inverted, with the house tables on the ceiling (along with Harry) and the magical ceiling on the floor. Luckily, the people, the tables, and everything on them were magical, so nothing fell screamingly (which is not a word, but should be) to its doom.

"Don't worry," said Luna Lovegood, appearing out of nowhere and seeming quite natural about the whole thing. "It's just like The Poseidon Adventure, except we're on the ceiling with everything that's supposed to be on the floor and all the stuff that is supposed to be on the ceiling is still on the ceiling at its new home as the floor, and all the blood is rushing to my head and it's making me feel sort of woooooooooo..."

Luna collapsed to the ceiling, unconscious.

"Does she strike you as a bit odd?" Neville Longbottom said from Harry's other side. "She strikes me as a bit odd. I can't imagine why anyone who writes stories about our lives for no apparent reason would think that she and I would be a match romantically."

"I think she strikes everybody as a bit odd," said Harry, and the two of them sat up at the Gryffindor table just as Harry finished his sentence.

"Who's a bit odd?" asked Ron. "Hermione? I think she's more than a bit odd. She's completely nuts. She's already doing homework--" he gestured at the bushy-haired girl across from him, whose quill was scratching busily away. "--and we've just gotten here! I mean, only a really crazy person would try to do homework that didn't exist." A beat. "I can't imagine why anyone who writes stories about our lives for no apparent reason would think she and I would be a match romantically."

"Me neither," said Harry and Neville at the same time.

"You know who strikes me as odd?" said Harry.

"He+ does?" Neville said. "He strikes me more as 'evil.'"

"No, I meant--oh, you know what I meant. That joke's getting old."

"Who, then?" said Neville and Ron.

"Dumbledore. Look!" And Harry pointed bewilderedly up at (down at? across to?) the teachers' table, where Dumbledore had just stood, wearing what looked to be a cardigan, his hat falling to the ceiling as he did so.

"Maybe he thought they were in style," hissed Parvati to Lavender Brown, referring to the cardigan surely, and not the falling hat. "Umbridge wore them last year; maybe he thinks she's chic!"

"How do you like my cardigan?" Dumbledore asked the upside-down school. "I heard it was in style, and one to ten points will be awarded to this story based on style, so I thought it was a good idea to wear it."

Silence. 'What story?' thought the upside-down school.

"Anyway," said Dumbledore, clearing his throat, "I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Tiddlywinks! Telly! Time-turner! Transfiguration! Tuck! In!"

And the Great Hall took this opportunity to reach into the plates that magically stayed attached to the table-top. However, Dumbledore was not finished.

"Why are you all eating? I'd just said 'in...' Since when does 'in' mean 'I'm finished talking and the feast can begin now'?"

The Hall looked at him confusedly, and Ron let the roll in his mouth drop back onto the plate, all wet with saliva. They all looked at him (Dumbledore, that is--not Ron) open-mouthed.

"What?" said Dumbledore uncomprehendingly. He cleared his throat, and continued:

"Also," said Dumbledore, "I'd like to announce that this meal that you are sitting in front of -- the one that you just tasted, Mr Weasley -- is not going to be the feast you are to eat."

Everyone continued to gawp at Dumbledore, and he continued to look confused as to why they were doing so.

"There was an...incident, in the lake, last night," said Dumbledore now. "The Giant Squid...it...well..." He looked up with a smile. "Who likes calamari?"

A collective groan sounded from the Hall as all the plates of delectable-looking food was replaced with piles upon piles of squid.

"Yummy!" said Luna Lovegood from beside Ron, conscious again.

"Since when do you sit at this table, Luna?" Ron asked, taking a piece of squid without any second thoughts.

Luna simply looked at him blankly over the squid she was daintily stuffing into her mouth.

"In addition," said Dumbledore, who still, evidently, was not finished, "you may have noticed that things have changed round a bit here at Hogwarts--"

Harry looked up at (across to? down at?) the Headmaster expectantly, sure that now he was going to explain the mysterious shifting of the world from beneath the students' feet. Why, everyone wondered, were they hanging upside-down?

"--and the cause of this is that we now have another two new professors this year. Of course, we have yet another new Defence against the Dark Arts professor, Professor Dumbledore--" and here he pointed to a man who had just stood up, who looked eerily like both Dumbledore himself, and the bartender in the Hog's Head of whom Harry had felt looked familiar, "--and his assistant, Professor Goat." Next to the new Professor Dumbledore sat a very noble-looking goat, wearing not a robe, but a toga, which looked a bit switched round of him.

"It's Aberforth Dumbledore!" concluded Hermione in a hushed whisper to Harry and Ron. "I've already forensically and magically figured that out!"

"That's obvious, Hermione," said Ron, who may or may not have made the connection himself. "Get back to your imaginary homework."

Hermione bristled, and then did indeed return to her quill-scratching.

"It's rather difficult to scratch a feather," said Luna, who also had decided to try quill-scratching. "And it makes you want to--to--achoooooo!"

"Now you can eat!" announced Dumbledore happily, even though hardly anyone had an appetite any longer. He himself dug into his squid, as did his brother and his brother's goat.

However, in just a moment Dumbledore stood back up hurriedly, and said, "Just one more thing everyone, that I forgot to mention: the school has capsized. Have a nice meal!"

And as it were, (unluckily), the tables had only been charmed to keep everything together on the ceiling during the meal, so that everyone could eat. As soon as someone declared "I'm finished" either out loud, or in their head, they began to drop like flies.

"I've always wanted to fly without a broom!" said Luna after she had had her fill of squid and seen the other students fall. "I'm finished! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!"

Luckily again, it was a very cloudy night, so the floor (which was really the ceiling, which showed the night's sky) was very soft and fluffy, as each student in turn landed in the marshmallow-y clouds.

Soon, everybody of importance to this story--Harry, Ron, Hermione, Luna, Ginny, and Neville, as the fates would have it--had fallen to the sky. They made their way through the clouds, but soon they found themselves becoming rather sleepy.

"My eyes," began Luna, "are drooping. They're closing, slowly and surely." She nodded, her eyes closed now. "Yup. Those are great names, don't you think--Slowly and Shirley?"

"Sure, Luna," said Ron, following close behind Harry at the head of the pack.

"You kno-o-o-o-ow," said Hermione, yawning, "I can't imagine why anyone who writes stories about our lives for no apparent reason would think you and her would be a match romantically, Ron."

"You kno-o-o-o-ow," said Ginny, yawning, "I think that's one of the only ones that makes sense. However, I can't imagine why anyone who writes stories about our lives for no apparent reason would think Neville and I would be a match romantically."

"You kno-o-o-o-ow," said Harry, yawning, "I think so too."

"You kno-o-o-o-ow," said Ron, yawning, "I hate it how when someone yawns, everyone else has to yawn too."

"You kno-o-o-o-ow," said Luna, yawning, "I heard that it's because you yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out."

"You kno-o-o-o-ow," said Hermione, yawning, "that's complete nonsense."

"So-o-o-o-o?" said Luna, yawning.

"Why haven't I yawned?" said Neville.

"Oh, Neville!" said Ginny, looking back. "Sorry 'bout that. Everyone kind of forgot about you for a minute there."

"No problem--happens all the time," said Neville, though he did sound a bit hurt.

Suddenly, Luna plopped down to the ceiling, and the whole crowd stopped dead in their tracks, also plopping down to the ceiling, as one usually does when they die in a capsized Great Hall. However, they didn't actually die, so that is a moot point. They simply dropped down dead to see what was the matter with Luna.

"I'm OK," said Luna, when they found her. "I'd just dropped a knut."

"Whew," said everyone, except Luna herself, who began to sing.

"Luna Loony Lo-o-vegood, you're OK...in my book.... Are you going...to Sweden--"

"What are you doing?" said Hermione incredulously.

"Singing," said Luna simply.

A beat.

"Right," said Hermione. "Let's keep moving."

And keep moving they did. Soon enough, they had reached the great double doors, though of course they were very high off of the ceiling, as there is much space between the top of those doors and the top of the room, which was now the bottom.

"Ron," said Luna. "Give me a boost."

"What?" said Ron, taken aback. "Give you a what--"

However, before he had time to do anything but react on reflex, she walked up to him and began to climb him. Soon, he had been able to get her to stand on his hands, fingers linked, instead of more...precarious places.

In a matter of moments, she had reached the top of the door which was at the bottom to them, and somehow managed to get it open. Then she sort of bounced up and over the doorway, and into the entrance hall.

"Ow," she said. "My toe."

Apparently, they had not thought of the drop on the other side, and as such Luna fell rather painfully on the third toe of her left foot.

Somehow or another, all five of the remaining students managed to make their way over and into the entrance hall. From there, it was rather simple to find their way to the main entrance of the castle, and from the main entrance of the castle, they found themselves outside.

Sitting down on the front steps of the capsized castle--it did not appear capsized from the outside--the six students breathed a sigh of relief--or, rather, six individual sighs of relief, one each.

"Well, I'm glad that's over," said Hermione, after a great many milli-moments of silence.

"Really?" said Luna. "I thought it rather enjoyable. Except for my toe, of course. That really hurts." She removed her shoe now, and looked at the offending digit. "Oh, look, a six. That's what did it."

And there it was--what looked like a magnetic number '6' inside Luna's shoe, something a small child would play with on the front of a refrigerator.

"No, it wasn't me," said the six.

"Oh, it can speak?" said Hermione.

"It wasn't?" Luna asked the digit.

"No."

"Oh, well," said Luna dejectedly. "Numbers don't lie."

And now the six giggled madly, hopping off and toward the forbidden forest, chanting,

"I'm an eight! I'm a four!
I'm a seven, nothing more!"

at the top of its nonexistent lungs.

"Oh, well," said Luna again. "Well, look on the bright side--the story's nearly over and none of us have been paired up. Isn't that refreshing?"

"Er..."

The sound came from the direction of Ron and Hermione, who were sitting rather closely together, and--

"What?" said Ron. "I just said 'er'. That doesn't imply anything. Besides, it's those two that ruined the refreshment," he said, gesturing disgustedly over his shoulder at Harry and Ginny, who were even closer together than Ron and Hermione and also happened to be snogging.

"Oh, darn it all," said Luna, glancing at the two and pouting. "I'd really hoped this was going to be a no-ship-fic." She shrugged. "Oh well. If you can't beat 'em..."

And she approached Ron with an odd smirk on her face.

"Er...Luna? What are you doing?" said Ron nervously, backing up as Luna neared him.

"I need a monkey," she said, and grabbed him by the hand. She turned round, and gestured to a giant Christmas tree that was somehow leaning against the side of Hogwarts. "I left my shoe up there."

"What?" said Ron. "How did you get your--"

"Could you get it, Ronald? Please?"

And when Luna decided he needed motivation, she leaned up to his face and kissed him right on the mouth. His eyes widened, and suddenly he pulled back, fell, and landed right upon his pillow.

"Wow," said Ron, laying in his bed. "That was the weirdest dream..." He shook his head. "Last time I let anyone convince me to watch a Muggle film thingy..."