The Magical Twenty-Six

Red hair catching her eyes, sweaty bodies meshed as one, their moans echoing into the night.

And the splitting headache she had this morning.

Hermione Granger sat up in her bed, trying to recall the night before. Rubbing her throbbing head, she stumbled to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, red-rimmed eyes almost completely covered in a mass of hair gazed back at her. Her freckles peeked out through the mass.

Wait, how had she never noticed those before? She realized she had gotten too much sun yesterday out by the lake.

Groaning, she stepped into the shower. Upon further inspection she found a large hickey placed on her hip. If only she could remember....

She was drunk, how could she remember? Cursing herself, she reluctantly stepped out of the shower, nearly tripping over Lavender, who was passed out on the floor. Probably from alcohol poisoning or her abusive boyfriend, but what was new about that?

Hermione knew it had been a Weasley. The red hair gave that away. But why were there so many of them? One slept in her dorm, but there were a total of four at Hogwarts. And Hermione Granger was definitely not a lesbian, so it couldn't have been Ginny. So, she was out.

Fred, George, and--crap, what was that kid's name?

Oh, well, that kid was dumb, and Hermione would be feeling dumb if she had slept with him she would be dumb, for his dumb was contagious.

Right?

Oh, God.

"What am I going to do?" Hermione asked aloud as she descended the stairs to the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Well, I have a suggestion for you," said a voice provocatively.

Hermione spun around quickly (not great for her head), only to see Harry Potter "sexily" lounging in an armchair. "Harry!" Hermione snapped. "What in Dumbledore's robes are you doing?"

"OH, HERMIONE! I thought you were Ginny!"

"What, how could you possibly mistake me for her?" asked Hermione.

"Well," replied Harry, "I hadn't realized that you had died your hair red."

"My hair?" asked Hermione. She ran back upstairs to the bathroom, almost tripping over Lavender, who she was pretty sure was dead. Looking into the mirror, she gasped.

Her hair was completely red. "WHAT THE HELL!?" Hermione shrieked, running clumsily down the stairs. She rushed out of the portrait hole.

"What's the big idea?" asked the Fat Lady.

"GOTTA GET TO THE LIBRARY! GOTTA GET TO THE LIBRARY!" yelled Hermione, practically tripping herself on the way to the stairs.

Running through the corridors, Hermione slammed into Draco Malfoy, the Serpent of Sex. "Watch where you're going, blood traitor," spat Draco, brushing off his Prada robes.

"Well, Draco, thank you," replied Hermione.

"What? Are you mad? Weasley, I just called you a 'blood traitor.' Usually you would kick me in the balls or something of that nature."

"I would, but number one, I'm not a Weasley, and number two, you usually call me a mudblood, so this is actually a step up."

"G-g-g-g-g-g-granger?" stuttered Malfoy, turning as white as Dumbledore's beard. He stumbled backwards.

"Yes?" replied Hermione.

"AHHHH!" shrieked Draco like a girl, he quickly ran down the hall in sheer terror.

This was all very odd for Hermione; usually Draco would just slap her a bit, not run away from her. Everything was so peculiar, she continued on for the library, not even sure where she should start researching.

"HERMIONE!" yelled a very annoying voice from about a yard behind her.

Hermione swiveled around to see that Weasley that was in her year. What was his name...? "Do you really feel the need to scream at me when I'm right in front of you?"

"No, I just like saying your name." He blushed. Hermione threw up in her mouth a little. "So, how about we go out tonight?"

"How about not," replied Hermione.

"Oh, well, okay," replied the ginger. He looked sadly at his feet. "I just figured after last night, you would maybe want to go on a real date."

"After what happened last night?" asked Hermione quickly.

Suddenly, Harry Potter came swooping in through the corridor, riding on a thestral. The invisible beast crushed Ron Weasley.

Lying on the ground, Ron looked up at Hermione and said, "At least I got to have one night of pure passion with you." Then, he croaked. Then, he died.

"EW!" yelled Hermione, looking at Harry for the first time. Harry too, bore a striking resemblance to a Weasley.

"Hermione," said Harry, "I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but..."

"But, what, Harry?"

"Weasley is contagious!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"