The Magical Twenty-Six

"You know you're charged with murder, correct?" the Ministry official asked.

"I never meant to hurt anyone," replied the boy. He was quite thin. Most likely it was from worry.

"Then why did you? Were you a bully in school?" asked the man.

"Really, I'm a generally docile human being. I get a bit hot-headed once and a while, but really, I'm not a mean or bad person," said the boy. "It was the jar."

"The jar?" asked the Ministry official, clearly thinking the boy had lost his marbles.

"Yes, the jar," sighed the boy. "I know it sounds stupid."

"You're quite right. It sounds absurd. You're saying that 'the jar' made you kill five people."

"Yes, the jar made me kill those people."

"Weren't those people you murdered your friends?"

"Yes, those people were my friends. I didn't mean to hurt them!" replied the boy vehemently. He began to sob pitifully.

"Would you like a tissue?" asked the man, offering the inconsolable boy one.

"Yes, I would like a tissue. As you can plainly see I'm crying over here, you stupid idiot," snapped the boy, snatching a tissue from the man.

"Who are you calling an idiot? You're a murderer!"

"Thanks, you're mother's one of those too! Get off my back, you bugger!"

"Hey, my mother is a saint, unlike your mother!"

"That was a great comeback!" the boy countered sarcastically. "Where did you learn that...the History Channel?"

"Whatever," sighed the man. "Can you just tell the story?"

"Fine, I'll tell you the story," replied the boy. "It goes like this...."

------

"I was sitting in the common room one day, minding my own business. I was playing chess. Or maybe it was Parcheesi...or chess.

"I really like chess you know. It exercises the mind and brainwaves and such. It is quite stimulating to the cognitive functions."

"Did you come up with that statement on your own?" asked the interviewer incredulously.

"No, I didn't come up with the sentence on my own. Hermione--" the boy took a shaky intake of breathe.

"You loved her, didn't you?" asked the man. It was the first time he had shown any sympathy towards the boy.

"Yes, I loved her."

"Why did you kill her then?" The emotion was gone.

"I did not mean to kill her! It just happened! IT WAS THE JAR!"

"Can we just get back to the story?" asked the man. One could tell he was getting tired and annoyed. He didn't want to spend his time interviewing a murderer whom everyone knew was guilty.

"The story? Oh yes, allow me to continue...

"I was playing chess, minding my own business in the common room. Suddenly, Draco Malfoy sprung--"

"Who?"

"Draco Malfoy. D-R-A-C-O M-A-L-F-O-Y."

The man took down the name in his notepad. "Continue."

"Draco Malfoy sprung out from behind the couch and placed a jar on the table. And then he walked out."

"And that's when you decided to kill him?" inquired the interviewer.

"No. That was much later.

"I stared at the jar for sometime until I finally opened it. That's when it told me to kill Harry Potter."

"So you did?"

"NO!" screamed the boy. "Are you going to let me tell this story or not?"

"Sure, sure."

"So for days it ate away at me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't work, I couldn't eat. Well, okay, I could eat, but that's besides the point. What the point is is that it ate away at me for so long, that I finally did it. I killed Harry Potter."

"How did you kill him?"

"I threw him out the window."

"Ouch."

"Yeah...

"The next person the jar told me to kill was Pansy Parkinson."

"No one cares about her," laughed the interviewer.

"I know, right?

Well anyway... After that I killed Hermione Granger."

"Did the jar tell you to?"

"Yes," the boy managed to choke out. "She was the love of my life. I didn't want to kill her.... But I...I...I chopped her up with a machete! It was like I was a different person! Sort of like Jekyll and Hyde!"

"It was a Jekyll Jar?"

"Yes! I loved Hermione! I didn't want her to die!"

"Okay, okay, whatever. No one here wants to hear a crappy love story."

"The next person to go was Dumbledore. He was easy to kill. I just made sure he hung himself with his beard. Did you know that thing is over seventy-two feet long?"

"Wow, that's a long beard."

"Yeah it is! But, the next person to go was Draco Malfoy himself."

"The boy who brought you the jar?"

"Yes, he was a minion of Voldemort anyway."

"Ah, then how did you kill him?"

"Oh, I just stole his hair gel."

"Ouch," said the interviewer, whom the boy noticed had perfectly styled hair. Hair just like...

"DRACO MALFOY!" shrieked the boy, sounding very much like a girl.

"Yes, It is I!" screamed Draco, ripping off his sunglasses, which had kept his identity secret the entire time. "Now, Ron Weasley, prepare to meet your maker!"

"Oh! Are Mum and Dad here?"

"No! That means I'm going to kill you!"

"Oh shit."

Draco Malfoy then killed Ron Weasley by putting a hand grenade in the boy's mouth.

Draco Malfoy didn't die, of course, since he was wearing an explosion-proof body suit.