The Magical Twenty-Six

Crookshanks liked Hermione. She fed him. She petted him. She loved him. Crookshanks did not like anyone else.

Crookshanks tended to attack everything within reach. He especially enjoyed attacking Neville Longbottom's trousers. This may have been okay, if Neville hadn't always been wearing the trousers. You could always tell when Neville (or Neville's trousers) had a run in with Crookshanks by noticing whether or not Neville's leg was leaving a trail of blood behind in the hallway.

Crookshanks hated Harry Potter.

"Crookshanks hates me," Harry informed Hermione with a sigh.

"Where do you get that from?" asked Hermione in utter disbelief.

"He craps on my pillow everyday when I'm out of the dormitories," Harry explained.

"Come now, Harry, that's not true!" denied Hermione.

However, it was true. Crookshanks happened to find it all very funny, thank you very much.

The only person Crookshanks hated more than Harry Potter was his dimwitted best friend Ronald Weasley. Shoot, Crookshanks hated Ron more than he hated Neville's trousers. Why did Crookshanks hate Ron so much? Crookshanks hated Ron because Ron's hair color was red and Crookshanks hated red. Okay, that's not a real reason, but it should be. Crookshanks hated Ron because Ron accused Crookshanks of eating his "pet rat" Scabbers. Poppycock! That was totally a lie. Crookshanks did not go for scrawny rats, he preferred Cornish Hen. Besides, Crookshanks knew that "Scabbers" was actually a man, unlike his master, Hermione, or her two idiot friends. There was another reason that Crookshanks hated Ron Weasley. I don't want to talk about it for I don't want to have to tell you about Ron's cruelty to animals, but oh well here I go:

Ron would belch. Crookshanks hated belching. Ron would talk with food in his mouth. Crookshanks hated people who talked with food in their mouths.

Okay, none of these are really bad, but the last one is.

Ron would sit or step on Crookshanks when he knew perfectly well that Crookshanks was there.

When Ron sat on Crookshanks he would make it look as if it were an accident. Ron would sit on him, Crookshanks would mew and then Ron would tell Hermione that he "didn't mean to." Ron would also step purposely on Crookshanks in the mornings and then Ron would explain to Hermione that he "was tired and had his eyes closed." Hermione always believed Ron.

However, Crookshanks knew Ron just wanted Hermione all for himself. Crookshanks knew and put up with this abuse until one day, while dancing around, Ron stomped on Crookshanks' head three times. Ron had apologized to Hermione who, like always, believed and forgave him.

It was then Crookshanks knew what he had to do.

That night, Crookshanks rounded up all the other cats that belonged to members of the Gryffindor house and told them the master plan. All of them agreed except for Mr. Snufflekins, who was twenty-four years old and deaf.

The next morning before dawn, Ron awoke by choking on a piece of cat shit. He ran to the bathroom to throw up, but in the process he slipped in a puddle of strategically pissed cat piss and fell down. But the time he stood up again, three cats were attached to his clothing and showing no signs of letting go.

Ron, attempting to scream for help when he spotted Crookshanks walking towards him, was knocked down by Crookshanks, who proceeded to bite Ron on the nose as all the other cats began to move stealthily toward the Weasley.

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As the sun rose, the boys found Ron dead on the floor with scratch and bite wounds all over his body. They all hated Crookshanks, so they blamed him for Ron's death.

Crookshanks tried to tell Hermione it was an accident just like Ron always had, but since she didn't speak Cat she didn't believe him. She shunned Crookshanks until everyone had forgotten about Ron, which was about twenty-five minutes later. Then, Hermione and Crookshanks were best friends again.

All was well.