The Magical Twenty-Six

Draco Malfoy, teenage prostitute and single mother of a purple squid, often liked to catch people doing things that they didn't want others to know about. Today it was all about his enemies. He knew that Potter, Weasley, and Granger had to have some secrets that they didn't even tell each other and Draco was going to uncover them.

Sneaking up to the boys' dormitory in the Gryffindor house, Draco, who was wearing the invisibility cloak his father had bought for him, came across Neville Longbottom, who was currently trying to tie Seamus' shoelaces together. This seemed unusual to Draco, for Longbottom was the most meek and mild person in their year. Sure he would expect this of those blood-traitor Weasley twins, but not of poor, pathetic, chubby Longbottom.

You can only imagine Draco's shock when he saw Neville hex Seamus' shoes into doing a continual Irish jig. Lurching out of his seat, Seamus tripped over his feet and kept dancing until he made it out of the door. Draco then heard a mass amount of thumping, so he could only assume that the git had fallen down the stairs. A cry of pain coming from a couple of flights down answered his question.

Draco fought back a wince, even when he was invisible he felt the need to be cold and heartless. The only thing that Draco really loved was his darling Shakisha. Oh, she was growing up so fast! Just the other day, Draco was forced to send her off to squid preschool and he wept the entire day.

Anyway, Draco knew he had to find Potter and he set off to, only on his way he almost literally ran into Weasley, who was lying in the middle of the hallway, asleep. What is that idiot doing? Draco asked himself. Just as he finished asking himself the question he saw a very pale-looking Colin Creevey. "Ron?" he asked meekly. "RON? I KNEW THOSE FRIED RATS WOULD KILL YOU! I TRIED TO TELL YOU, BUT DID YOU LISTEN? NO, YOU DIDN'T! AND NOW YOU'RE DEAD AND GONE AND NO ONE WILL CARE!"

Wow, Weasley ate fried rats? That was totally gross. Oh, and yeah, Weasley was dead, but that kid was right, Draco didn't care. And obviously, Draco noticed, neither did Granger. It was true too, for Hermione just grabbed the corpse and dragged it up to the girls' dormitories. Draco noticed as he followed her, that Colin's face had grown even paler at his sight of Hermione. So, Creevey has a crush on Granger, eh? Draco thought to himself. That's okay gossip, but not good enough.

As Draco entered the dormitory he looked around...

...And was shocked by what he saw.

Hermione walked over to her bed, which Draco immediately noticed was covered with bones. Now, if that wasn't shocking enough, you can only imagine the look of fear and surprise on Draco's face as Granger said a quick spell and all the flesh on Weasley's body melted away to reveal stark white bones. Draco felt the urge to vomit and ran out the door.

He tried to get his thoughts together: So, Longbottom is a maniacal prankster, Weasley eats fried rats and is dead, Creevey has a crush on Granger, and Granger...Granger is a twenty-two on Michael Stone's list of the Most Evil murders. Draco shuddered under his invisibility cloak. Maybe he was getting in too deep.

But wait, what about Potter? Draco had to get some juicy gossip about him, or his entire trip would be wasted. Draco quickly stalked up to the boys' dormitories.

Draco snuck into the room and spotted Potter automatically. How couldn't he? Potter was dressed up in a leather miniskirt, a lacy red bra, black fishnets, and bright red stiletto heels. Now, if that wasn't enough to scare Draco, the next thing he saw was.

Potter then proceeded to attempt to sing like Liza Minnelli in Cabaret. Needless to say, he failed at it.

"WHAT GOOD IS SITTING ALONE IN YOUR ROOM? COME HEAR THE MUSIC PLAY! LIFE IS A CABARET, OLD CHUM! COME TO THE CABARET!" sang Potter in a high, girly, and extremely off-key voice.

Draco shrieked and threw off the invisibility cloak. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?" he yelled loudly. He ran as fast as he could out of the room and then out of the Gryffindor tower. He ran past an unconscious Seamus and was out of the castle before Pomfrey caught him in order to give him a tranquilizer shot in the bum.

Back up in the Gryffindor common room, Harry stood with Hermione, Colin, and Neville. "You guys did a great job today," said Harry. "I mean, we really showed Malfoy what's what."

"Yeah, and Ron did a great job, too!" said Colin. "I mean, he like, wasn't breathing or anything. And he got all gray and stuff. I really thought he was dead there for a minute.

"Yeah, great job, Ron!" praised Hermione. She turned around to give him a hug, only to see him laying on the floor. "Shit, he really is dead."

"Who?" asked Harry.

"Ron," replied Hermione.

"That is a shame, he just got a little too into character."

"Who?"

"Ron."

"Oh yeah," replied Hermione. "Oh well."