The Magical Twenty-Six

Severus Snape had a secret passion and a tiny invisibility cloak.

This, of course, led to a quite disturbing hobby.

Tired of simply giving curfew-breaking students a wimpy detention, Severus Snape decided to scar them for life instead.

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He would never forget Potter's face that first time.

It was also the last time, because that stupid Potter had gone blind and a fine time to go blind too, for Potter had tripped backwards, fallen down the stairs, ran into a suit of armor, and crashed out a window, killing three birds and Fawkes the phoenix on the way to the ground. Needless to say Harry died.

Severus had stared in confusion. It was if Potter had never seen male genetalia before.

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Hermione Granger.

Ah, the sweet, innocent Mudblood.

She had shrieked when he had caught her out after curfew the first time. She was on her way to "tutor" Malfoy in the room of Requirement. So of course she was carrying her learning materials, which were whipped cream, chocolate syrup, and a jar full of cherries. Luckily for Snape, Hermione's hair finally got the better of her and smothered her to death before her scream could be heard.

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Now the last remaining member of the goody-two-shoe trio ended up accidentally stabbing himself with a butter knife in the middle of the Great Hall. Unfortunately for Ron, Dumbledore, the crazy old bat, thought he was roadkill and...

Well, we all know what insane men do with roadkill.

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At the disappearance of the Golden Trio, Voldemort and Severus went to Bermuda for a fun-filled holiday. They played volleyball and sunbathed and such. Needless to say they both wore SPF 12,569.

However, back at that wizarding school known as Hogwarts, an investigation was being preformed on the "night nit," an annoying knave who had no head and no clothes. (Ahh, that's what the invisibility cloak was for...) He had killed three very important people. (Duh.)

When the news got back to Voldemort and Snape they were like, "Bitch, please."

So... they went to a Jimmy Buffet concert.

THE END

Harry: Wait a minute; I would never die, for I'm the boy who lived. AND I DO TOO HAVE MALE GENITALIA.

Hermione: YEAH! And my hair is not that bushy! It's just unruly!

Ron: YEAH! I happen to like her hair, it smells like popcorn! And by the way, what is the deal with you killing me off in every single chapter you write!? I am not that dumb! I would never stab myself with a butter knife, get machine gunned down by a unicorn, get Crucio'd while dressed as a squirrel, get killed by a fingernail stab to the jugular, blow up by a hand grenade thrown by Malfoy, jump out a window just because Harry told me to, die from a large book hitting me in the head, have a heart attack from thinking that You-Know-Who is behind me, be strangled from beans-on-a-stick, be hit by a mini-van, be accidentally Avada Kedavra'd by Harry, be mauled by a slew of cats, have a giant squid erupt from my intestinal system, OR be fed to Dumbledore's secret pterodactyl. AND IF I DID DIE, EVERYONE WOULD NOTICE!

Author: You know what; J.K. Rowling once said that no one could hate you, Ron. But obviously, she never met me. *Shoots Ron with a poison dart.*

Ron: *Keels over and dies.*