The Magical Twenty-Six

Harry and Ron wanted a girlfriend. Not the same girlfriend, of course, but a girlfriend nonetheless. Harry wanted a girl who would do what he said all the time and never talk back. Ron wanted whatever kind of girlfriend Harry wanted, seeing as how Ron was Harry's faithful sidekick.

One day, Harry found Irene. She was in an add found in the Daily Prophet. She had milky white skin, ruby red lips, and a crown of golden hair on the top her head. And she was completely and utterly nude. Her add said that she was "willing to do anything."

Harry liked that.

Irene would soon be his!

He told Ron about her. "She's perfect, Ron, just perfect!"

"YAY!" replied Ron, who had the mental capacity of mashed potatoes.

Mashed potatoes: *Stop reading story*

Harry called Irene and waited for her to come.

And he waited.

And he waited some more.

And waited...

And waited...

Then, he waited some more after that.

"What's taking so long!?" asked Harry irately.

"Come now, Harry," said Hermione, "it has only been three point five minutes."

"So!?" challenged Harry.

"That is not a very long time."

"It's..." He pulled out a calculator. "...two hundred and ten seconds! That's equal to like...FOUR HOURS!"

"WHAT? NO IT IS NOT! OR IS IT!? EVERYTHING I KNEW IS NOW UNKNOWN!?" And with that, Hermione's head exploded.

"Wow! That was gross," said Harry. "I better clean that up before Irene gets here. OH, RON!"

"Yes?" said Ron, immediately there, since he was adequately trained to answer Harry's beck and call.

"Get Crabbe and Goyle to clean up this atrocious mess."

"Okay."

Within thirty seconds Crabbe and Goyle were standing in the center of the room with Harry.

"BRAIIINS!" they said as they ate all of Hermione's cranial mass.

Draco appeared in the common room, breast-feeding his little squid, Shakisha.

"That's pretty gross," said Ron.

"SHUT UP, WEASLEY! SHAKISHA LOVES HER MILKIES!"

"Yeah, Ron," said Harry, who (for no reason) was agreeing with Draco. "Why don't you just go kill yourself?"

Ron jumped out of the window; every bone in his body was jumbled and broken at the base of the castle.

"Wow, you sure do have that Weasley on a tight leash," said Draco, obviously impressed.

"You bet!"

"Googoo," said Shakisha.

The doorbell rang.

"SHE'S HERE!" shouted Harry. He shooed Draco and his posse down the laundry chute.

Harry slicked down his hair and opened the door.

There she was. She was a pure sixty inches of glory. Her golden locks were cascading down her back. Her mouth was as red as roses. Her supple breasts--

"IRENE! YOU ARE NUDE!" shouted Harry. He rushed the girl inside the door. The two of them sat down on the couch by the roaring fire.

"ROAR!" said the fire.

Harry stared at Irene.

Irene stared at Harry.

"ROAR!" said the fire.

(Repeat the last three lines four times)

"I LOVE YOU IRENE!" Harry shouted, shamelessly throwing himself at the girl.

Irene continued to stare unfalteringly.

"WHY DON'T YOU RECIPROCATE MY ADORATION?"

Irene stared at Harry with a look of surprise on her face.

"Why are you such an icequeen, Irene? Why don't you love me as much as I love you!?"

"Hiya, Harry," said Dumbledore, walking into the room, randomly. "How's it going?"

"Awful. My date is a total icequeen," replied Harry, motioning at Irene.

"Oh, a blow-up doll, eh? I have the same one in the male version! Seductive Stan his name is!"