The Magical Twenty-Six

Harry had noticed that his Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were especially quiet when they picked him up at platform nine and three-quarters. Usually, Vernon was purple-faced and screaming at Harry within the first five minutes of the car ride or Petunia was accusing him of being a freak. But when neither one of them spoke, Harry knew something was wrong.

Harry, Vernon, and Petunia walked to the stoop of Number Four Privet Drive. Harry could not help but notice Vernon's hesitation when it came to opening the door. Harry was getting even more curious to what the problem could be.

After the slow door unlocking, the three of them stepped into the house. Everything looked normal. It looked like it usually did, overly neat. The impressions from Vernon and Dudley's fat lard arses were still in the chairs. It was thinking about Dudley that made Harry ask:

"Hey, where's Dudley?"

Aunt Petunia's blonde head shook as she began to cry.

"SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE BOY!?" roared Vernon. Ahh... there was the uncle that Harry knew and loathed.

"What have I--" started Harry, but he was cut off by Vernon.

"DUDLEY, YOU HAVE BROKEN YOUR MOTHER'S HEART!"

It was at that moment that Harry Potter turned slowly around and came face-to-face with his cousin. And at precisely that moment, Harry realized what was wrong. "Dudley, is that mascara?"

"What yes! Its color is midnight black! They were having a sale at Wal-Mart!"

Harry Potter's cousin was dressed in drag. It took Harry a while to comprehend what the fat boy was wearing. Dudley was garbed in a floral-print skirt and a pink cardigan. Black patent-leather shoes adorned his chubby feet.

"You look..." Harry struggled to find the right word, "...nice."

"Why, thank you!" Dudley replied gleefully.

At that moment Harry seriously thought about suicide.

"Don't worry boy, we've thought the same thing," Vernon said to Harry.

"Yes," said Petunia. Harry detected a bit of love in her voice, causing him to feel definitely faint. "We always thought that you and your mother were the freaks of the family, but we have been proved wrong."

With this, Dudley began his all-familiar wail. "We homosexual cross-dressers are not freaks!" he sobbed. "You don't understand!" He ran off to his room.

After the minor earthquake was over, Vernon offered Harry some toast. Harry accepted his offer.

Sitting at the kitchen table, Petunia and Vernon stared at Harry. They knew what they had to do. "Erm... Harry?" asked Petunia.

"Yes?" Harry asked between bites.

"We need to ask a favor..." said Vernon.

"You can use magic right?" asked Petunia.

"Well, I am a wizard..."

"GOOD!" Petunia and Vernon shouted. "We want you to kill Dudley."

"What!?"

"Just do it."

For some reason, Harry agreed.

Harry Potter walked slowly to Dudley's room, opening the door quietly he stepped inside without making a sound. Pointing his wand to the back of Dudley's head Harry screamed, "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

------

"Jesus, Harry!" shouted Dean. "You almost killed Seamus and me."

"Yes," agreed Seamus, "you absolutely did just about take our lives right there. Fortunately for us, we dodged it and it hit Ron instead."

"So Ron's dead?" asked Harry.

"Yes," Dean and Seamus replied.

"Oh well, there are plenty of other people who are willing to be my sidekick."

"Righto!" Dean replied.

And with that the three boys went back to sleep, ignoring a very dead Ron on the floor.