Fear and Loathing in Diagon Alley

White Rabbit Films Presents

$ A P. Money Joint $

Fear and Loathing

in

Diagon Alley

Draco Malfoy. Harry Potter. Ron Weasley. Hermione Granger. Neville Longbottom.

V. Faraijah. Lucius "P.I.M.P." Malfoy. A "Smoke Two Joints" Production.

Soundtrack mixed by Mykos. script by Peeler. A P. Money Joint.

"Like a fool I mixed them, and it strangled up my mind;

and now people just get uglier, and I have no sense of time."

-Bob Dylan

Draco Malfoy. 4:20 p.m. Friday, April 20, 1997.

For my part, I was sitting at a table outside Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor, when the drugs began to take hold. I'd wisely staggered what I was eating, because I didn't want it to hit me all at once. I labored for about ten minutes over the 'shrooms while Harry passed the bong around, and then took all the acid I had. One thing was certain. It was going to be intense. I was deeply intrigued by the glittering dust that hung suspended in the almost-summer air. The sky was very blue, and the sun was very chicken. It wasn't exactly warm yet, but in a few minutes that would be neither here nor there. With me, it always started this way- everything was suddenly lighter, and I knew that very soon, things were going to get very interesting. I recalled that Harry had taken everything he had all at once. I looked over, and his eyes were huge.

"It's got me right between its tits," he said, as his pupils blossomed. Interesting, indeed.

Harry Potter

Draco was starting to look a bit warped, but then he usually slides into it more gradually. I knew I had a few seconds of sanity left, and I used them. Then I was gone. I looked down at the cobblestone street and it was flowing inexorably uphill, towards the storm sewer. Pebbles and litter were sucked along with it, growing twisted and intriguing where they touched it. I couldn't divert my attention. There was a little white hole where a stone had fallen out of place, and the street swirled down into the depression, vortex-like. I wrenched my attention away, and saw Draco slipping on his aviators. He always wore them at times like these. The sunlight flashing off his hair could blind a man, and I told him so, but his face was too close to the table. The intricacies of stains and bits of gum were a landscape of infinite contradiction. An elderly woman sitting behind Draco asked if he was all right, and he jumped up so quickly he knocked over his chair, and staggered around in a circular pattern, waving his arm.

"I'm perfectly fine," he coughed out, his feet far from steady. They were all looking at us, and I was starting to worry. I don't know if you're familiar with the state of mind, but worry is not a good thing for someone on a trip like we were starting on to experience. I decided it was time to get away from there.

"Draco," I said, and I was definitely starting to get overwhelmed, "this is too much. We have to go. Now." He grabbed my arm and said, "Yes."

Hermione Granger

When I left the bathroom, Ron was standing where he'd been when I entered, leaning on the wall and holding my ice cream, but I wasn't hungry. The shadows and lights and numerous, milling customers immediately rushed into my eyes and brain, and I felt for a moment like I was losing hold. I would have said something, but we had to go to Harry and Draco outside. Such an ordeal I've seldom had; tables lunged into our path, and I fell into Ron more than once- people simply would not make way! The store was dark and the patches of light burst like sunspots upon my mind. I staggered through the doorway, leaning on Ron as he leaned on me, and felt intolerably tired from the experience- not to mention Harry and Draco were gone. Not at any tables, and laughing, I tried to sit down. I couldn't take it, and put my head in my hands on the table where I sat. Ron's shoulders twitched about as he looked at the inhabitants of the circus scene that was around us. He started to laugh, and I knew that this was only the beginning- laughing at people did not end easily; they were simply too amusing. I had to take courage; we had to get away. So I made for the exit, not feeling up to looking at much- Ron asked what, but I had an answer for him, so I didn't say anything. I got across the street, dodging the stones which rose up to block my feet at every turn- this was truly intense. Finding a solid wall at my back, I relaxed, and slid down to a proper, knee-level vantage point to observe the world for a while. Ron, though confused, soon joined in comprehensively.

Harry Potter

I have a thing about psychedelics and normal people. I don't know why, but I just can't be around them. I clam up and get all paranoid. Which is why I wasn't sure it was a good idea to get all cracked out and go wandering around Diagon Alley. Draco, on the other hand, is the opposite. He sees people, just normal people doing some shopping, and he wants to impart his vast wisdom to them. This is always an issue. Imagine you're walking down the Alley, going to buy a pair of dress robes and an iced cappuccino, when a guy wearing aviators and stumbling starts telling you to "check out the universal mind". Well, this time I decided we were so not getting arrested.

We were outside of Madam Malkin's. So far I'd managed to keep Draco from freaking out the squares, but I knew I couldn't hold it together for long. So much was shifting, and I wanted the sun to go down, but you know, it just wouldn't. Draco stood in the middle of the Alley, biting scratches in the nail of his small finger and trying to balance.

"Let's go into Madam Malkin's," he insisted. "I want to buy a hat. My ears are numb and I don't want anyone to see." I knew I shouldn't, but Draco was persuasive: "Dude, it'll be straight fucked." And I desisted, and went in.

Draco Malfoy

Pools of black silk swam up the walls in ribbons and rivers. I wanted a hat. Intrigued by the fact that the men's section consisted entirely of somber black and grey, I went to the more vibrant women's, and was immediately entangled in a selection of light but form-fitting designs from the summer collection, in dancing light green and amused periwinkle. The sales assistant was intrigued by me, and started over, asking if I needed any help. For some reason, everybody offers me their help only when I don't need it.

"No," I replied, "but I'm sure you need mine." Retrospectively, I believe he was unconvinced, which could be for a number of reasons. "Don't worry," I reassured the confused man, whose nametag read Martin Jones, "you will not die, it's not poison." The soft textures of the silk buoyed me up and Mr. Jones told me to get out. My attempt to stand up resulted in my grasping Mr. Jones around the shoulders and pulling myself to standing. He started back, and I started still. Where was Harry?

"You know something's happening, but you don't know what it is; do you, Mr. Jones?"

Harry Potter

Thankfully alone, I waited by the hats for Draco when I heard shouts from elsewhere. Stores are an oddity, and I found myself enclosed and discomfited. As long as the walls don't start closing in, you're generally okay, so I went to extricate Draco from whatever it may be. I found him with his arm around the poor man's shoulders, enlightening him as to the issue of his face. After some insistence and mention of the MLE officers doubtless on their way, Draco released the poor bastard and we fled hatless into the near-sunset.

Ron Weasley

Watching the poor people going about their business, unaware of even their own angelic aspect, I became depressed and enthused with Hermione that it was time to go search for Harry and Draco.

"That won't be hard," she quipped, "just follow the cops." It was about then, when we were attempting to stand, that two or three of them apparated nearby and ran off down the Alley. I looked at Hermione questioningly, and she smiled.

"It'll be an adventure." It already was. We followed the MLE unsteadily, weaving through the crowds laughing; I found suddenly that I couldn't control my arms, and remembered we were chasing cops. Questionable tactics. The sun was falling very redly past the buildings into the London haze, sending off bizarre beams to assault my senses and confuse my perceptions. That was when a decorative tree wrenched itself from the ground, walked up to me, and began to speak in hoarse, guttural tones.

Hermione Granger

I knew there was something wrong with my plan to follow the MLE officers around while cracked on Acid and shrooms, but I didn't put my finger on it until one of them, no doubt attracted by our unorthodox reflexology, turned to make sure we were all right. I looked at Ron, said "Oh, shit" under my breath. His eyes were utterly huge looking at the cop.

"Holy Fuck," he said. "That is the maddest thing!" The officer asked us how we were this evening. I said we were fine, trying to keep a straight face unsuccessfully. Ron gibbered slightly. The officer was nonplussed.

"Have you seen two young men, about your age? One dark haired, one blonde?" I shook my head. Ron stared intensely at the officer's neck area. It was time to go. I elbowed him and he gave a slight twitch and looked at me, then back at the officer. Then he said, "Shit! Cops! Where the fuck?" Needless to say, we booked it.

Ron Weasley

When the talking tree turned into a cop, I knew I'd been a long time gone. Needless to say, we booked it. Perhaps he was a rookie, perhaps just thrown off by my cracked-out commentary, but he was slow in getting after us. We had to hide somewhere, so we dodged down the next corner and kept running. The world streamed by with vivid dark pastels, like a night-time scene in a Jerry Bruckheimer film: all dull stirring yellow shades, clear navy, and meshing bizarre lights. It took a while before we realized the officer was no longer chasing us. It took a while longer to realize we were in Knockturn Alley.

Draco Malfoy

After hearing Harry's version of my actions in the store, I realized I may have been slightly stupid. When I saw cops go by, scanning the Alley while I peed on the side of a hotel, I became rather more paranoid. Shit was going down, and we were still high as a kite. And I had a nagging feeling in the back of my head like there had been more than two of us when we did the drugs. But whatever. Our immediate priority was to avoid the cops. I decided it would be wise to head to Longbottom's flat and hang out for a while until shit died down. That meant back towards Knockturn Alley.

Harry Potter

Well, the sun was finally down, which was good because we were acting far from normal. Draco said the cops were after us, which was kind of fucked as far as the trip was concerned. We stuck close to the walls, occasionally darting across the Alley and frightening passerby. I didn't know what time it was, having lost my watch, and when Draco tried to tell me I punched him. It was a rhetorical question. We made it to Neville's place without incident, except for Draco asking a blonde, who must have been around thirty, if he could lick her hair. I decided we had to shake of the cops before we could chance a look at the stars, because it didn't do to go walking around high as a kite looking at the sky the whole time. Shit would get knocked over, you know. Well, following the frightened blonde incident, we enjoyed the psychedelic scenery until we reached Neville's and were let in.

Draco Malfoy

Dean and Lavender were chilling at Longbottom's place when we got there, so we sat down on the couch and inserted ourselves into the rotation. Neville was waiting for Lord V. to drop by with a pound of purple bud, which he hadn't had for a while. The WWN was cranked with the Weird Sisters' cover of "D.C.B.A. -25", so we sat and chilled for a while and Dean kept packing bowls. Time to mellow out. After about half an hour in which Lavender knocked over the ashtray three times, someone buzzed up; Neville assumed it was V., but it turned out to be Hermione and Ron! It was right then that I remembered we had left them at Florean's. I looked at Harry and said "shit."

Hermione Granger

Let no one tell you that Knockturn Alley on Acid is an easy trip. I generally try not to go down there unless I'm with lots of people, and even then only during the day. Fortunately, being friends of Neville's, we didn't have much to worry about, provided we maintained the presence of mind not to fuck with people. Easier said than done.

We'd been wandering for about five minutes trying to recall the way to Neville's new place when a drunk guy started yelling and Ron told him to shut the fuck up. Fortunately, he hurled at about half the distance to us and was greatly distracted. The overtly hideous objets des arts noirs glaring down at us from every barred store window were turning the trip sharply bad, and Ron was starting to freak out.

"Herm, I don't want to stay here. This is fucked. Not good fucked, you know. I feel bad. Let's go to Neville's." I agreed, and started to slink back whence we'd come, on the watch for cops. Finally, just when Ron was starting to get very worried between the cops and the Knockturnies, we found Neville's building and buzzed up. The place was full, so we were relegated to the floor, which was good, as Ron could straighten himself out looking at the cool interlocking wood paneling.

Harry Potter

After enduring Hermione's rage and Ron's looking at the cool flooring, we decided to apologize for ditching them by calling on the supreme stoner excuse: we forgot. Which was the truth, but whatever. Seamus, Parvati, and two or three people I hadn't seen before or knew vaguely dropped by to wait for the bud. A party was getting started. Neville tuned in "Hallucinogen" on the WWN and people started dancing; I felt pretty good, but not dancing good. Draco was another story, but then he'd dance on anything and anywhere there was music. Then Lord V. buzzed up while I was checking out the cheap floral-print on the couch. Lucius was with him, and they were coming up. Hearing his father's name, Draco fled to the toilet. Draco and Lucius, now that's an awkward relationship. But it's not my business. Anyways, V. dropped off the bud, which was fine indeed, and Lucius preened and looked like the pimp he is. They couldn't stay long, he said, as they had chicks in the car and were headed out clubbing. V. still creeps me out, more because he's fucking old than anything else, you know. It's weird as all hell.

Draco Malfoy

When my father took off to enjoy the scene with some fresh hotties, I could go back to tripping in peace. I don't suppose you have any idea how embarrassing it is to have your old man to randomly drop by the crack house where you happen to be tripping out hardcore? I guess it's a fairly unique situation. Whatever. Anyways, when Weasley fell asleep on the floor right there in the kitchen, Neville had to give over the guest bedroom again. Hermione and Harry took off after a few more hours of hanging, and I could tell by the look Harry gave me that I wasn't exactly going to be welcome later on. But it's all good; Longbottom runs a tight operation, so I decided to hang around for a few hours more till my high wore off, and then wander the streets trying to seduce random girls. That is what I do, after all. Peace out.

~*~

Fin

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