I Am My Own Knight

Chapter Six: Lost

It was the next morning that Lily and Georgina made their way down to Professor McGonagall's office where they were to meet up with the group that would Floo over to the memorial service. When they entered the office, Professor McGonagall was standing up from where she'd been crouched in front of the fireplace. A handful of Gryffindor students were sprinkled around the room.

Professor McGonagall's eyes fixed on Lily when she turned away from the fire. "Miss. Evans. Come this way, quickly."

Lily hurried across the office.

"I've just received word that you are wanted at the Potter's. If you don't mind, you can Floo to them first, and then travel to the service with Mr. Potter and his friends." She held out a small pot of Floo powder between them.

Without thinking twice, Lily reached for the powder. She couldn't imagine why they wanted her at the house, but she wouldn't think of refusing. In only a few short minutes Lily found herself spinning into the Potter's formal parlour and focusing her dizzy eyes on Sirius Black, curled up in a miserable ball at the end of a long leather sofa. He stood when he saw her.

A steadying hand touched her back while Lily regained her balance, and she looked to her right to find Remus Lupin at her side.

"Thanks for coming, Lily," he said.

Lily nodded and examined their faces. They both looked horrid and Lily wondered how close they had been to the Potters. They were all grieving. "I was happy to come," she said. "I hoped there might be something I could do for you."

Sirius rubbed his face, looking both pathetic and exhausted. "We can't get James out of bed," he explained. "He's refusing to go to the service."

"We think he'll regret it later if he doesn't go," Remus added, "so we tried to force him, but he threw a bit of a fit."

"What kind of a fit?"

Remus turned his face so that Lily could see the beginnings of a bruise blooming under his eye.

Lily grimaced. "Poor thing," she said. "He must be miserable."

"We were hoping you could help."

"What can I do?"

"James listens to you," Sirius told her. "Probably more than you realise. We thought you might talk to him."

"Even if he doesn't come to the service," Remus said, "it would still do him some good if he would open up a little."

She was unsure. "I don't know if James would want to see me."

"You'll try though, won't you?" Sirius looked so hopeful.

Lily nodded. There was no way she could refuse.

Peter was standing...or rather, sitting lookout near James' bedroom door. He reported that since the others had gone downstairs James hadn't made an appearance.

Sirius opened the door and let Lily into the room; she slipped inside and he pulled the door closed behind her. Drapes had been drawn across two large windows, but the sunlight seeping through was enough that she could see well without lighting a lamp. On the bed against the far wall, James lay with his back to her, clad in nothing but his boxers. He didn't move when she entered.

A desk and chair stood near the bed and Lily drew the chair out to sit close by, unsure if James even knew she had entered. She took a slow breath, determined to keep her own emotions in check for James' sake.

Without warning, James spoke up, not looking at her. "Get the hell out of my room," he said.

While she hadn't expected a warm welcome, this was somewhat less cordial than she had hoped. Lily continued to sit, debating what she ought to do, and looked around the bedroom. It was large and well furnished with classic mahogany pieces, all draped in the colours of his favourite Quidditch team. Some untidy robes were scattered about the floor and a polished silver comb lay on the desk. Lily reached out and took it into her hand, briefly wondering if he ever used it before she forced the irreverent thought out of mind. She dragged her fingernail across the comb's teeth and they made a satisfying series of clicks. The sound prompted James to stir, and when he saw Lily sitting nearby he started with surprise and fumbled for the sheet to cover himself.

As he took a moment to study her, Lily decided that she would wait for James to begin any conversation. Lily was certain James knew what he needed far better than she did. She noticed that he was squinting and passed him his glasses from where they had lain on the desk.

Hooking them over his ears, James glanced towards the door and frowned. "I thought you were Sirius."

Lily didn't respond.

"Did he drag you here?" James asked.

"He invited me."

James glared at the door for a moment and then grunted and turned his back to her once again, pulling the sheet up over his head.

Lily went back to inspecting the silver comb, struggling to keep her emotions under control. It would be so nice if she could take a comb like this and pull it though her mind...through James' mind. Just straighten out all of their thoughts and memories and feelings so that they could make sense of them without all the knots. If only it could be that easy.

There was no doubt in her mind that James was in pain - greater pain than anyone deserved - and she had a strong urge to gather him up into her lap like a mother would comfort a suffering child. But Lily wasn't convinced that he would appreciate that, and so she sat very still, only rubbing with her fingertip the smooth edge of the silver comb.

"I'm not going," James said from under the sheet.

"Okay."

He pulled the sheet back and rolled to face her, propping up on his elbow. "Did Sirius send you to talk me into going?"

"You've already made it clear that you're not." She scratched her fingernail down the comb again.

James seemed to be pacified by her reply because he slid back down to the pillow and pulled the sheet up only to his neck. He watched her turn the comb between her fingers.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I'm not sure." She would have given anything to know that herself.

After a few moments, he spoke again. "I remember that you lost your mum last year," James told her.

Lily sucked her bottom lip and nodded, looking sideways at him.

His eyes were narrow. "But you still have your dad."

"Yes I do," she whispered.

"So don't try to tell me that you know how I feel, because you don't."

Lily looked up in surprise. "Don't ever believe anybody who says that they understand how you feel, James."

He raised his eyebrows, but didn't respond.

"Nobody in the world except you knows exactly what you've lost," she explained. "They don't know the relationship that you had with them; the love, the dreams, the time you spent together." Lily rubbed the corners of her stinging eyes, hoping to keep the tears at bay. A glance at James' averted face told her she wasn't the only one. "People used to tell me that they had lost someone, too," she added. "They said they knew what I was going through. But it wasn't just losing a mother. It was losing that special person, that relationship that can never be exactly replicated with anybody else as long as I live. I can never get that back."

Covering her mouth with her hand, Lily squeezed her eyes shut tight, but it wasn't enough. The tears would flow.

When she looked, James had pressed his face into the pillow; his glasses were clutched in his fist. Lily pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and dabbed at her face, sniffing. She didn't feel at all like an effective comforter and wished she knew what to do for James.

He mumbled something she couldn't understand into his pillow.

"What did you say?"

James turned his head a little to repeat himself. "I'm not ready to say goodbye," he whispered, his voice hoarse.

An enormous lump rose into Lily's throat at that, and her tears increased. "Oh, James, it's so hard, isn't it?"

When he saw her distress, James sat up on the edge of the bed, slipping his glasses back on, and reached out his hand to her. She rose and went to him, allowing him to wrap his bare arms about her waist while she stood beside the bed and cradled his head against her chest.

"I still don't think I've ever really finished saying goodbye to my mum," Lily said. She stroked the back of his neck and pressed her face into his hair.

"But I've at least got to try, don't I?" James said with a soft voice. "They deserve that much." He sniffed and Lily hugged him tighter. "I'm just so afraid, Lily," he admitted. "I've never been afraid like this in my life."

She hadn't the first idea of how to respond to such a personal confession from him; she was touched by his trust and broken hearted over his pain. The right words just didn't exist; she could only hold him closer.

For several long minutes Lily stood, entwined with James, wishing she could help him in some measurable way. She petted his hair and pretended not to notice his tears, while letting her own tears flow unchecked.

At last James leaned back and looked up at her. Lily's hands slid to the sides of his head; she wiped his cheeks with her thumbs and straightened his glasses over his ears. Although he was staring straight at her, his eyes seemed unfocused and he wore an attitude of full defeat.

She rubbed his ears with her fingertips and he blinked, refocusing on her.

"What would you like to do?" Lily asked him. James frowned a little and Lily elaborated. "Do you want to go to the service or would you like to stay home? I can stay with you if you'd like."

Glancing down, James shook his head a little and dropped his hands from her waist. "I'm going," he said.

"I'm glad," Lily said, and rubbed his ears again. "I don't think you'll regret it." She tried hard to smile, but couldn't manage more than a sympathetic grimace. "I'll send Sirius in to help you get dressed, okay?"

James pulled the sheet back up over his shoulders and Lily stepped away from him. She picked up the silver comb from where she had dropped it on the rug and placed it back on the desk.

Once Lily had sent Sirius in to assist James, she followed Remus and Peter down to the parlour where they waited, not speaking, until James appeared on the stairway with Sirius. Lily approached him as they reached the ground floor. James hadn't made any effort with his hair, but he was well dressed. The black robes accentuated the dark pits under his eyes.

"I'm sorry I punched you, Moony," James said.

"Don't mention it." Remus shrugged and pushed his hands into his pockets. "I'm sure I had one coming anyway."

Lily took James' hand in hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. "They're waiting for you at the service," she said. "We're all Flooing over. Why don't you and I go together?"

"Why don't we Apparate?"

"Because we'll all splinch ourselves today."

James closed his eyes and released a long breath; he gripped Lily's hand a little tighter. She led him to the fire and sprinkled the Floo powder into the flames.

They exited the mortuary parlour on the wide lawn. A crowd of wizards and witches stood together under a purple tent a little way off. They turned and whispered amongst themselves as they watched James approach with his friends. He didn't let go of Lily's hand. As they stood before the gaping hole in the grass, Sirius clapped a hand over James' shoulder, and let it rest there until the speaker had finished. James released Lily's hand to walk forward to the edge of the pit while twin caskets were lowered together into the earth. He withdrew something from his pocket - a coin - and examined it, turning it between his fingers, and then dropped it into the hole.

The caskets stopped at the bottom of the pit, and James rubbed his face, stretching his skin, and dug his fingers into his hair. As he began to sway on his feet, Sirius approached him from behind and took him by the shoulder again. James turned to his friend and embraced him. They stood, both shaking with quiet tears, as the other mourners, outsiders, trickled away. Lily stood between Remus and Peter, a little way off, and waited.