I Am My Own Knight

Chapter Seven: Lakeside Retreat

One Saturday afternoon in early December, Lily spent a little time walking by the side of the lake with Sirius. It was cold and dreary and few students were out. Lily's hands were balled in her pockets and her right hand was freezing. She had lost one of her gloves the week prior during a visit to Hogsmeade. Richard had searched all over for it, retracing their steps through town, but it was nowhere to be found. She worked her fingers against her palm and blew a steamy breath into the winter air.

This chilly walk had been Sirius' idea, and as they meandered along the water's edge, it soon became clear he had invited her out so that he could vent his concerns about James in some measure of privacy.

Following the Potter's funeral service, James had not returned to Hogwarts until after Halloween. And when he did return, he seemed so emotionally absent for such a long time that, in spite of the many allowances she made for him, Lily became quite concerned about his long term well-being. He wasn't the only one she worried about, however. Sirius, for all of his concern for James, was grieving as well - but Sirius was not the object of special allowances or sympathy like James was. Who ever thought to comfort the comforter?

"How many times did he show up for a regular meal this week?" Sirius asked. "Twice! Just two times all week." Sirius waved one hand back and forth while he talked, as though he just couldn't emphasize his words enough. Lily didn't think she had ever seen Sirius Black so agitated. "He barely eats at all, and when he does, he mostly just gets food from the kitchen and eats by himself somewhere. Do you have any idea how much he used to eat? He could out-eat every bloke in our year. But now I'd bet doesn't tuck away half enough to keep a first-year girl alive."

Sirius had been going on in a similar manner for some time. It seemed he had been scrutinizing every aspect of James' daily life.

"We've been trying to give him a lot of room," he said, "to not push him to join in on things, but maybe it's too much. He doesn't want to try at anything at all." He groaned and waved his hand again. "You know he gave up his position as Captain on the Quidditch team, don't you?"

Lily nodded. She had heard, and she'd been disappointed. Not surprised, but disappointed all the same.

"They made him stay on as Chaser though," he added. "They convinced him they couldn't get anybody else. Quidditch practice seems to be the only thing he makes any effort at anymore, and Alan Guard says he's a little crazy in the air. He's been reckless."

"It's probably a good release for him."

"Did you hear about him trying to turn in his Head Boy badge as well?"

"I heard." Lily squeezed her cold fist a bit tighter in her pocket. "Professor McGonagall talked to all the Prefects and told them all to stay on top of their duties so James wouldn't have to pick up their slack anymore. He and I haven't had to walk one patrol since."

"Remus mentioned that," Sirius said. "I wish he did have to walk some rounds if just to get him out of the dormitory. He spends so much time alone."

"I miss him," Lily admitted. "I've barely seen him at all, and when he is around, he won't even talk to me. He just sort of looks at me sometimes, and then he disappears. I never realised how much I liked having him around."

Sirius brushed his nose with his knuckle and looked sideways at her. "Can I tell him that?" he asked, and Lily nodded her assent. "He needs to know he's missed," he added.

A gust of wind knocked Lily's hat askew and ruffled her hair into her face. Sirius stopped walking while she fixed it. She smoothed her hair and tucked it into her scarf, tightening the wool around her neck, and then she pulled her cap on tight around her ears and rubbed her bare fingers. She was slipping her hands back into her pockets when Sirius held something out to her. It was his right glove. She took it from him, and then hesitated.

"Go on," he said, motioning at her hands. He looked away from her while she slipped her fingers inside the glove. Her skin prickled at the warmth his hand had left behind. It was good to be warm.

Sirius stuffed his bare hand - his waving hand - into his pocket. "What should we do about James?"

"Who knows?" Lily shrugged and wrapped her arms around herself, trying to shield her body from the wind. "Just what you've been doing, I guess. Keep telling him that you love him, that there are still people in this world that need him. Give him time."

Sirius grimaced. "Time. The one thing there's never enough of."

Lily laughed a hollow sort of chuckle, not sure if Sirius was aware of how right he was.

Time was so fickle, Lily thought. Whether she wanted it to pass, or wanted to get it back, she was powerless over it. It was a fixed thing, but it was ever changing as well. James had only been back at school for one month; it had passed in the blink of an eye, but it seemed like he had been wearing that stony veil of an expression across his face, and hurting behind it, for as long as Lily could remember.

"Don't look now," Sirius said, "but I think we've got company."

Lily turned around and saw two figures hurrying down the slope towards the lake. They were still a good way off, but it was easy to see who was coming - Georgina, along with Remus Lupin trailing behind her.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Just so you know...I think I've...er... convinced Remus to go out with Georgina the next time she asks him."

"You're kidding." Lily looked up at him, full of surprise. He appeared very pleased with himself. "You shouldn't have done that."

It was his turn to look surprised. "Why?"

"She won't ask him again; she's moved well past Remus."

"What do you mean? She can't do that."

"Sirius. Please. Georgina was completely smitten with the boy for over a year, and he never once gave her the time of day."

"So he has some self-esteem issues." He frowned and waved at the two scrambling down the hill. "Maybe now he's over it."

"Well it's too late now. She's with someone else."

"Who?"

"It's not exactly official yet, but I expect it will be soon. And I'm not really supposed to mention it."

"Who is it?" he insisted.

"Elmer Parsons." Lily cursed her big mouth.

Sirius paused for a moment to stare at her before dissolving into laughter. "That was good, Lily. You almost had me for a minute there. Elmer Parsons! As if...ha!"

She observed his laughter, amused, thinking that it had been much too long since she had seen Sirius enjoy a thorough laugh. It was too bad she wasn't joking about Elmer.

"They were thrown together a lot over the summer," Lily explained, "and she found out she fancied him." The smile drooped off of Sirius' face as he listened. "They're taking it nice and slow, but the feeling definitely seems to be mutual."

Deflated, he frowned and kicked a clump of brown grass. "But Parsons?" He looked up at her. "That dopey short guy in Hufflepuff?"

"Elmer isn't dopey, Sirius. He's not really outgoing, but that's exactly her type, and he really isn't that short."

"How could she pick him over Remus?"

"She did pick Remus, but he rejected her so she got over it and moved on." If only it had been as easy as she'd just made it sound. "She's much happier now than I've ever seen her, you know. I think they're good for each other."

"Honestly..." Sirius gazed out over the lake and grunted. "I don't know what's wrong with you girls."

"Lily!" Georgina shouted across the lawn. "There you are! I've been looking all over." She slowed her stride as she neared where Lily and Sirius stood. Remus caught up with her about the same time that she stopped walking and planted her hands on her hips. "You are never going to believe what that disgusting twit just did to me."

"What disgusting twit?"

"Severus Snape. He exploded my inkpot right in the middle of the library and ruined my Herbology essay. When I told him off he started calling me names, so I hexed him. And would you believe that old bat of a librarian gave me a detention for it?" Georgina crossed her arms over her chest and grinned, looking rather proud of herself. "I got my own back, though, when I nailed him with my best jinx from outside the library door."

"It was good, too," Remus said. "By the time I left he could barely walk. I'd never heard such a string of swear words, and that's saying something. I don't think he knew what hit him."

"Thanks," Georgina said.

Remus smiled at her.

"So anyway," Georgina continued, "Remus followed me out and we got to talking about Snape. It sounds like they have been a lot more successful than we have about digging up information on him - but they've been at it longer than we have. Really, we need to all sit down and get to the bottom of this You-Know-Who business."

"Can we do this indoors?" Lily asked. "I am freezing to death out here."

Sirius seconded the motion, and the small group was soon making their way up the lawn toward the castle. Lily and Georgina, arm in arm, led the way. The girls could hear Sirius and Remus talking in low voices behind them.

"It was completely unprovoked," Remus said to Sirius. "Snape was just picking on her because she's Muggle-born and he wanted to get a laugh from his friends. And I don't think he was aiming for her inkpot either. If she hadn't moved out of the way at the last minute, he probably would have cut open her hand. And then he had the nerve to call her a Mudblood, Sirius. I wish Pince would have come over two seconds earlier."

By the end of Remus' diatribe, Georgina's fingers were locked very tightly around Lily's arm. "Did he have to tell all that?" she hissed in Lily's ear. "I swear - if he's trying to embarrass me he's doing a bang up job of it."

The boys hadn't heard her. "Did Snape see you there?" Sirius asked Remus.

"He did. I helped Georgina clear up her things, and then after she left I Vanished his essay. I was hoping Pince would catch him coming after me, but that was when Georgina jinxed him."

Lily glanced over at Georgina's face; her eyes were wide and she mouthed something at Lily that looked like "Vanished" and "Essay."

Sirius grunted. "Snape will be planning some kind of retaliation, then. We'll have to be careful."

"The girls have some stuff you and James should hear," Remus said. "Georgina was telling me some of it on the way down from the library and it's really big."

"Classified?" asked Sirius.

"Highly. Where should we go to talk it over?"

"The usual place, I guess. Do you know where James is at?"

"In the tower, most likely. Do you really think we could smuggle the girls up there?"

"We should try."

They had entered the castle and were crossing the drafty entrance hall. Lily and Georgina took a few steps up the marble staircase before they turned to face the boys and crossed their arms over their respective chests.

"Where are you trying to smuggle us?" Georgina asked.

Sirius crossed his arms, mimicking their stance, and gave them a mischievous grin. "Our dormitory, of course."