Harry Potter and the What the Hell?

Harry Potter Meets ObviousMan

Sequel to Harry Potter and the What the Hell?

Hi.

I'm Harry Potter.

I'm sure you've heard of me. Even little coked up Vietnamese children diseased with Agent Orange have hard on for me--er--I mean...have heard of me...

I'm the Boy-who-Lived.

And I'm telling you. JK Rowling's got it all wrong. First of all, I'm not British.
I'm English. Second of all, I live in Ethiopia and I'm half Jewish as well. My mother was Chinese, you see.

ObviousMan: Are you on dope?

Shut up, or I'll tell everyone your secret identity--

ObviousMan: George W. Bush Jr. Jr. Jr.

Oh that's real smart, Mr. Bush

ObviousMan (crying): I know, it's this superpower of mine...boohoo.

As I was saying, in Hogwart's, my school, we have another version of my life history. It's in Ethiopian so I'll have to tell you bits and parts of it. Since I'm jewish, I don't read Ethiopian. In fact, I don't even think Ethiopians read Ethiopian.

ObviousMan: You racist.

Shut UP! Good Grief are you annoying. I am trying to tell them the events that happened after my fifth year in Hogwarts! The true story!

ObviousMan: Is the story true?

Yes! Now let me finish--

ObviousMan: Your school is in Ethiopia right?

STUPEFY!

ObviousMan(falling to the floor): I am unconscious.

Ahem! Where was I? Okay, friends, here's what truly happened after my fifth year at Hogwart's...We had just me the Himalayan Ass God who had given me and my friends our first mission...defeat VOLDEMORT!

"That was the worst day ever," exclaimed Ron. I looked at his many arms, legs, and amplified asses( yes he had more than one), and sighed.

"At least the Himalayan Ass God gave shoes...You can sell those on E-bay..."

I waved my plastic sword with the words "Goddic Glyppinwhore" etched on it.

"What am I supposed to do with this?"

"You're right," said Ron, and then pointed to the rest of the fifth years, "How long do you think we have to wait before the Houses separate?"

The Ass God had combined everyone into composites and now that the Ass God was left, everyone seemed to be coming out of each other's ass.

" I don't know," I said, helping Hermione out of Cho Chang's ass. "I'm more worried about those extra appendages of yours. You don't seem to be reverting.

Ron shrugged. "Maybe I'll try out for the track team or something..."

ObvioiusMan: He should try out for the track team.

Ron: What the Hell?

Me: No, it's 'Harry Potter Meets ObviousMan.' This is the sequel.

Ron: What are you talking about, you big nutter? What sequel?

STUPEFY!

Ron: OW! Stop that you freak! That shit tickles.

Me(waving my wand frantically): STUPEFY! STUPEFY!...Goddamn, whose been using my batteries again...GINNY!

Ginny(smiling sheepishly): Sorry, Harry. It was just that my vibrator...

Ron: GINNY!

ObviousMan: Virginia Weasley masturbated away all of Harry's batteries, didn't she?

Ron: AVADA KEDAVRA

So ends the life of Obviousman.

ObviousMan: I'm dead, aren't I?

"Can't he die?" asked Ron as ObviousMan began to do pushups on the ceiling.

"I don't think so. That would be too obvious," I answered, shaking my head. "Come on, to the Batcave, Robin!"

BATMAN THEME MUSIC

DANNANNANANNANA BATMAN! DANANNANNANANNA BATMAN!

There's something in life, you can't forget. The day you lost your virginity. The day you tipped over your first cow. Or your first Volkswagen Beetle for those who live in the city. Or the day you tipped over and lost your virginity at the same time to the same cow.

Sliding the Batpole is one of those times.

Ever tried to slide down a pole buck nekkid.

Don't.

"OWWWW!" we both screamed as the friction burn and our privates fought their battle with each other.

'So what's the plan Batman Potter?"

' I don't know, chum. The Ass God told us that we must defeat Lord Voldemort...WE MUST DO IT! FOR THE SAKE OF THE UNIVERSE.'

'Why can't Superman do it? I'm missing Jeapordy right now," answered Ron sharply.

ObviousMan:.....Hehe. You thought I was gonna say something stupid weren't you...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh SPLAT!

I turned around to see that Draco Malfoy, my worst enemy and sometimes swing-partner, had pushed ObviousMan into the yawning chasm that lay in the middle of my Batcave.

"Draco, that's murder!"

ObviousMan: Yeah, that's murder!

Draco(bewildered): What the Hell? Why isn't he dead?

Me: No not What the Hell? How many times do I have to...

STUPEFY!

Ron: Sorry, Harry. I couldn't let you say that stupid 'sequel' joke again.

Just then Lord Voldemort appeared.

Voldemort(eyes twinkling): Can't we be friends?

Lord Voldemort was three feet tall and was wearing a shirt called '555-LOVE.'

Ron furrowed his eyebrows. That took a long time because he had seventeen pairs of them; all red. And red ones took longer.

"This is a trick, Harry," he yelled to me. "He's the DARK LORD, Leader of the DEATH EATERS! You can't have those credits without being utter EVIL!

Lord Voldemort shook his clubbed head.

"No no, ickle Ronnikins. You've got me all wrong chap. Can I call you chap? Nice eyebrows btw. The printer guys got my business card all wrong. It should really be this:

Deaf Eaters

Tom M. Riddle aka Lardo de Gordo (I have a slight weight problem)

"Oh," said Ron. "My bad. What is it your company do?

Voldemort: We eat deaf people. How do you think I got so fat?

Ron: What do you think, Harry?

Me: I'm sorry, I fell asleep. What were we talking about?

Draco (clearing his voice): Hello! Isn't anyone going to ask me why I'm here.

Ron: No not really. It makes perfect sense that you appear out of nowhere, seeing as how this story is totally without logic.

Me: Yeah, I agree. I think none of this may be real either. I knew we shouldn't have bought those dimebags from the Slytherins...

Draco: Hey! We grow Prime A Hydro cannabis! 200 percent THCs or your money back!

Ron(ignoring Draco): Don't feel sad, Harry. Maybe next time, the Hufflepuffs will give us some herb on credit.

Me (sniffing): Yeah.

FADE FADE FADE AWAY TO A DIFFERENT WORLD

Hermione, and Cho Chang walk in. Ginny is running right behind them but since she's cross-eyed, she keeps running into the walls.

"What's going on here?" asked Hermione indignantly. "I'm trying to study. This is the library for goodness sakes! Have some decency!

"Shh, Hermster," said Chang gently. "The boys have been smoking pot again. I bet we look like furry bunnies to them. STOP rubbing me there, Harry!

Ron: Stop rubbing Lord Voldemort!

Harry: I can't help myself!

Voldie/in actuality Cho: Oh RuB ME! RUB ME! I WUV YOU!

Draco/in actuality Hermy: I AM DRACO!

ObviousMan/in actuality ObviousMan: I AM DRACO!

I then knew what I must do. It was my destiny to stop Voldemort. He had killed my parents...ooh, he smelled so good...He had killed Diggory...Oh my god, his skin feels like silk pudding!...He needed to die.

"I shall Vanquish you!"

I plunged my sword into his heart and he fell away dead.

I blacked out.

When I woke up, I was in Madame Pomfrey's hospital ward.

" Is Potter alright?" asked Dumbledore.

'Yes he's perfectly fine," was the reply. 'I've increased his saline dosage, the THC from that bad batch of cannabis he smoked should be gone in the morning.'

'That's good.'

Madame Pomfrey spoke again, "When will you tell the Chang family that their child is dead?"

I heard Dumbledore sigh, "Tomorrow, I shall owl them. It seems so unreal. It seemed like only yesterday that she was a A-cup..."

Madame Pomfrey comforted him, "There, there. Will you tell Potter? The truth, I mean?

Dumbledore shook his head, "NO! If he ever finds out that he was the one who killed Cho, he'd never forgive himself. It was the bad marijuana that made him and Ron do it...We can not let anyone find out!

ObviousMan: Harry killed Cho!

Dumbledore: Mr. Bush?

ObviousMan: Yes? What do you want with me, headmaster? Do you want to spank me?

Dumbledore: Yes.

I watched them amble off. I had killed Cho. I should have not trusted Slytherin produced marijuana. And now...Cho was dead. And probably only Cedric had boffed her. What a waste.

Just then an evil image appeared before my eyes; It was Voldemort.

"How do you like my birthday present?" he said sinisterly.

The pieces fell into place.

'It was you who spiked my weed!'

'Well aren't you Obvious?' hissed the gaunt monster delicatlely. "It's your birthday, after all. "I planned this for a year. I hope you...enjoyed it."

"You MONSTER!" I struggled to get up but the restraints on my arms barred me.

"Shh Potter. I am not unkind. If you want, I can bring her BACK. I am Voldemort, the Thief of Death. With one word, I can bring her back to her luscious body...Do you want me to?"

"What trickery is this?"

Voldemort laughed, hideously.

"Think about it. I will be waiting for you in Aragog's lair. Bring as many of your little friends as you wish. My bargain with you is the same with them."

"And what is this...bargain."

"If you win a game of Exploding Snaps with me, I shall grant you a wish," said Voldie, "If you lose, you shall grant me one..."

"Listen Potter, I'm not as bad as they say I am. I will play with everyone of you Hogwart's students, and my wish will be the same for all of them."

Voldemort was fading away now.

"I wish that you will leave me alone. I am immortal. I can hide, run away, until Dumbledore and his dogs stop hunting me. But you children are the future. If you promise not to hunt me, I can stop the cycle of hate. Goodbye Potter."

With that he vanished, leaving me very confused as well as angry.

What was I going to do?