Harry Potter and the What the Hell?

Harry Potter and the What the Hell?

"Get ready, get set, go!"

Harry and Draco set off, racing their brooms at full speed.

It was the annual, I'm Faster than You Nah Nah competition, and the bets were all on Harry. So Draco decided to enter. The bets were still all on Harry.

Fwoosh. Bazap! You like my special effects, right? Shut up.

Suddenly a big Buddha hand came from heaven, pummeling both Draco and Harry to the ground. But instead of looking at the Three-Foot Giant that had come barreling from heaven, Draco and Harry, instead, began to warg against each other.

"Hey, that's cheating! No using religious magic!" cried Draco.

"Wow. A Slytherin complaining about cheating," muttered Harry. "I think I heard the IRONY pot breaking."

"Is that the best you can do? Good god, what kind of dull witted moron uses phrases like 'Irony pot'?" said Draco. Harry looked to the crowd for support but even the Gryffindors were averting his gaze, whistling "Oh Susana, Won't you Strip for me."

"Alright, you blond bastard, let's at it--"

Cut scene to two boys tousling in the dirt.

"AHEM."

Stop ignoring me.

"AHEM!"

I"m getting Angry.

"STOP FIGHTING, YOU BLOODY ASSHOLES!"

Harry and Draco both looked up. The picture of having a bloody asshole was rather alarming.

"THAT'S BETTER," The Voice said. "NOW, I HAVE A MISSION FOR YOU. ITS DANGEROUS, YOU'LL GET PAID MINIMUM WAGE--IN YEN AND, IN THE END, ONE OF YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE. BUT IF YOU DON'T DO IT, THE STORY WON'T CONTINUE AND YOU'LL BOTH DIE ANYWAYS. DO YOU ACCEPT YOUR FATE?"

"Hey!" piped in Ron. "Why do they get all the parts?"

The Voice thought about it and then agreed, "YOU'RE RIGHT."

With a flash of lightning, Ron began to sprout extra arms, legs, at least four types of simian asses.

"He's got a penchant for asses, doesn't he?" remarked Draco.

"I think he's some sort of Himalayan Ass God," said Hermione smartly, her fingers idly playing with Draco's golden hair.

"FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME, HERMY, STOP MAKING STUFF UP," screamed Harry irritatedly. He was about the only boy in Hogwarts who hadn't boffed Hermione yet. "Just because Mrs. Rowling identifies with you doesn't make you smart. You got that!"

"Back off, Potter," said Draco threateningly.

"Wait a minute," said Ron, who was now surrounded by a slew of leggy Ravenclaw girls. His long appendages were a big hit, it seemed. "Who's this Rowling chap?"

"The woman who wrote us...Breathed life into us..." the Four Houses of Hogwarts stared blankly at Harry as if he had gone completely insane.

"Never mind," said Harry shaking his fist in the air, muttering strange things about 'existentialism' and 'the Prisoner's Dilemna'.

"AHEM!"

"OH MY GOD, the ASS GOD is still here!" exclaimed one Hufflepuff.

"I'M NOT AN ASS GOD! I'M THE VOICE! THE OVER-BEING. THE KNOW ALL SEE ALL BE ALL!"

"So you're the narrator," mumbled Draco, who was now being fed grapes by a naked Hermione.

"What's a narrator?" asked Ron, was now fully acclimated to his many appendages--OH MY GOD, How is that physically POSSIBLE!

"I'm NOT A NARRATOR--"

Me: Yeah, you are.

Voice: that doesn't make sense. If I'm the narrator, what does that make you?

Me: Considering that I just made the entire school of Hogwart's completely naked, converted Hermy into a nympho Veela, made Ron into some sort of sex Argus(think carefully about this), and Harry into the only impotent male in the school--I hardly think that qualifies me as a Narrator, do you?

Voice: But that doesn't make sense...

Me: I know. Hurry up. You're losing the audience and the aphrodisiac I laced into the Hufflepuff Weed is gonna wear out soon.

Voice: Wait up. Hufflepuff weed?

Me: Huffle. Puff. No one's as loyal as a pothead. Now go get'em narrator.

" UM IT SEEMS THAT I'VE BEEN NOTIFIED THAT I'M A NARRATOR..."

" You know, this storY seems to copy the Harry Potter and the LOTR fic by Sharon Armstrong on fanfiction.net..." said Hermione, who was finally coming out of her stupor. "OH MY God, Why am I naked?"

    She ran away screaming, and for some reason their were nasty pixies poking red pitchforks at her bum.

Me: I had to add the pixies. Stupid know-it-all. I don't plagiarise. And if I do I don't appreciate being told by some bucktooth Dentist's girl. God she's hot...

    Draco sighed as she watched her go, "WEll, it was nice while it lasted."

    Harry Potter wondered why the Voice wasn't allowing him to say anything.

    "ARE YOU EVILLISHLY CHARMING LIKE DRACO?"

    " Well, no, but--"

    "DO YOU PROVIDE WELL PLACED ONE LINERS LIKE RO--"

    "URANUS!" Ron screamed and then fell to the ground laughing.

    Harry shook his head.

    "DO YOU PROVIDE THE POTENTIAL TO BE MOST BUSTY BABE IN ALL THE UNIVERSE."

    Due to time constraints, Cho Chang, Lavender Brown, Virginia Weasely, and Hermione, have been merged by the Powers-that-be--Namely the Himalyan Ass God--into one super being.

    Chovendargina Changbrograngerly.

    "Good God, she's hot," cried the entire male Hogwart's population.

    Chovendargina Changbrograngerly smiled, "OH MY boys! Is that a plane in your pocket or are you just happy to see--Er. Narrator, I have a problem. They aren't wearing any clothes...Why in the world would I talk about their pockets?"

    Chovendargina Changbrograngerly thought again(this was obviously Hermione taking over), " Wouldn't I just say, let's fu--"

    "HO! HO!" cried the Voice. He started to dance.

    "What the bloody hell are you doing?" asked Draco, who had finally found some clothes and were putting them on.

    "THE ANTI-NETWORK CENSOR SPELL! COME ON! IF WE CLAP REALLY HARD, MAYBE THE FAIRIES WILL STOP CENSORING EVERY LITTLE THING!"

    "I'm not a fairy," whispered Mrs. Umbridge, Who was also a lieutenant of the FUN POLICE.

    "Your a bit ogre-looking, you have to admit," remarked Ron. " I don't get why the centaurs would rape a hag like you."

    "I...was...carried off into the forest! I wasn't raped!" yelled Umbridge.

    "EWWWWWWW" replied the school of Hogwarts together.

    "Consensual sex is disgusting!" shouted Crabbe and Goyle, who were known in Hogwarts as Grab and Fondle.

    Draco glared at his two henchman, "Shhh. I don't want to have my computer raided for porn by the FUN police again."

    Because of time constraints, I've decided to merge all the students in each house into one character.

    Gryffindors: Harry Potterbottom.

    Slytherin: Draco Hugebastard.

    Ravenclaw: Horny Librarian

    Hufflepuff: Dude Where's My Car

    Just then, Dumbledore walked in.

    "Uhoh," said Potterbottom, covering his privates.

    "Yeah, you better cover those privates," sneered Hugebastard.

    "Oh yeah." replied Harry. "Let's see how big you are, Mr. Huge...Er...never mind.."

    Changbro...what's her name again?...walked up to Dumbledore and began her wicked voodoo dance.

    " Is her breasts suppose to change size like this? She looks like an episode of Love Hina!" complained Dumbledore, who was a heteresexual man, but Chogangbang--never mind--was way too much woman for him.

    "Has everyone gone mad! Its school picture day!" screamed Argus Filch who had come following behind Dumby's(Dumbledore's nickname) footsteps.

    I will not be called Dumby.

Me: Yeah you will.

    No! I am Supreme Mugwump of the ICW. I am Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot! Hell, I wrote Nellie's "Getting Hot in Here!" i demand some respect--

    Due to time constraints and because I think Dumby talks too much for his own good, I have combined every Hogwarts employee that has ever lived into one being.

    Tiger Woods.

    WAIT A MINUTE, ISN'T HE BLACK?, asked the Voice.

    "NO!" screamed Tiger Woods as he began to take points out of every house.

    "50 points from Gryffindor! 40 from Slytherin. 30 from...er...what's the other Houses again?"

    The Voice whispered into Wood's ear.

    "OH...yes. 30 points from Rectalhoes, and 20 points from Gluteas Maxihumungus."

Me: The kids named you right, Voice. YOu are such an Himalayan Ass God.

The Voice(singing): 'I love big...BUTTS and I can not lie! YOu other brothers can't deny!'

    "Group Picture!" yelled Colin Creevey, who had escaped the Gryffindor House merger solely on the basis of him being a totally creepy and perverted Harry-lover.

    "That's true," he said. "IF i'd had merged with Harry, I'd be making out with myself and that would be--"

    " NO Gay metaphors allowed in Hogwarts," yelled Umbridge.

Voice: OH PLEASE. PRETTY PLEASE, MAY I?

Me(looking at the Voice.): Alright, but just this once.

The following paragraph has been created by the Voice. I have nothing to do with it.

    CREATE CENTAURS! BIGGER! LONGER! PERFECT!

    (

    Umbridge:I don't like where this is headed.

     Me: Don't worry. I won't let this happen. After all, who wants to see an ugly person have at it with a herd of horses? We've all seen PBS's docufilm about Catherine the Great, thank you very much!

     Umbridge breathed a sigh of relief.

     Me: Therefore, I hereby change Umbridge's first name into Angelina, and her last name into Jolie.

     Angelina Umbridge Jolie: Can't move...Lips...breasts...too heavy...

    Me: Excellent.

    )

     The horses gallop off with Angelina Umbridge Jolie in tow.

    "Wow. Umbridge--I mean Jolie's breasts plowed a W shape into the grass," Ron pointed out. "We can grow corn or something."

    "Wait a minute." cried Harry Potterbottom. "Ron just said something that was unfunny and trite. How come..."

Me: Do you want to argue this issue with me or do you want to watch Composite Ravenclaw: Ms. Horny Librarian and Composite Hufflepuff: Mr. Dude where's my Car do the nasty?

    OH mr. CAR!

    Oh, Librarian!

    Say my name!

    Librarian!

    Louder!

    LIBRARIAN!

    " Good grief. This is more boring than watching my parents go at it," complained Draco. " Their just shampooing each other's hear with Herbal Essences!"

    "Wait. Go back to where you said you watch your parents go at it," giggled Chogangerbrangerweasely--what the hell was her name?

    " come off it?" said Draco. "As if you wouldn't peep on my mom. She's mad hot, dude."

    Due to popular demand, enter Narcissus Malfoy, Draco's Mother.

    " Hello, boys!"

    " Oh my god, it's Stiffler's--Draco's Mother!" cried Ron.

    Harry rolled his eyes.

Me: I know. But Ron's been getting laid so much in the background by Horny Librarian, Changbangrangerly, and assorted animals, that he's been too tired out to be witty.

     "Why, of all your fics, to make me impotent in this one. Woe is me. Would it I were of yesteryear, and facing the perils of yesteryear, and not having the impotency of this year. Oh woe."

    Harry goes on with his heroic dialogue for several more minutes, in which the Voice, me and several hundred people who did not go to Tianmen Square fall asleep. (What's Tianmen Square? What's that? Is that a Chinese game. Get some history you damn hick.)

    " Good grief. I said, Picture day, not 'Go off on a tangent.'" complained Creevey who was dangling his camera lazily on one foot.

    Oh btw, everyone is fully clothed now. Somehow merging everyone into composites gave them clothing. Don't ask me, ask the Voice.

    GREAT, BLAME ME FOR YOUR PLOT HOLES.

    "He's really got a penchant for bums, don't he?" said Draco.

    YES. I DO. YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?

    " No! No! I'm really sorry! " said Draco quickly. "Please don't make this a slash fic. Please don't slash me with some guy. No slash. No slash."

    "That does it. I'm taking the picture whether you're ready or not," screamed Creevey, taking his Nikon. "One, two, three! Cheese!"

    FLASH! (OH THAT'S A FLASH BY THE WAY, AND NOT ME YELLING THE ACTUAL WORD 'FLASH' OUT. -Voice)

    So ends class picture day, and another year at Hogwarts School of Weirdlies and Stranglingos.

    Harry Potterbottom and Draco Hugebastard looked expectantly at the Voice. "Well are you going to tell us the mission you supposedly had?

    "Right," agreeed Hugebastard. "I don't want to get cheated out of the win for nothing."

    "What?" yelled Harry. "I was the one winning you...er...Huge bastard?"

Me: Not even close, Harrymeister. Nice try though.

    "Merlin's beard, I'm going home. This place is mad," said Draco Hugebastard as he waddled off. His head of Draco, body of Pansy, legs of Goyle walked strangely off. Half rolling, even.

    "Who's Merlin?" asked Ron.

    Everyone looked at him.

Voice: OH CAN I SEND MY CENTAURS TO GET RON TOO?

Me: Only if you turn him into Halle Berry first.

Voice: WHO'S HALLE BERRY?

    Due to ardent investigation, it was found that the character known as the Voice has been aiding Anti-America terrorist organizations such as Al Qaeda, Al Jazeera, Al Bundy, Al Vin and the Chipmunks, Greenpeace, United Nations, and the shadiest of them all, the group known as the Brady Bunch. I had him executed. Let us give a prayer for a great but strayed American known as the Voice.

     # Cue Braveheart Music ^&(@

    "Great, who's going to give us narrative direction then," complained Chogravnkcjoeiajlksjdflsj. "It's obviously not going to be Sleeping Beauty over here."

Me(blinking from the sharp lights): What? Goddamn. I have work tomorrow. Lemme alone. If you really need a narrator, here. Now go away."

Storms brew in Jupiter, and the Sun gives birth to hemarroids--Asteroids--Er. Stars Align. Er. Whatever.

I AM BORN!!!!!!

    "oH, It's mini-Voice," said Chogranginavaginapmslately." He's so cute."

I AM NOT CUTE. YOU CAN CALL ME CHARLIE.

    " Helo, Charlie!" said Chograngieofiuoelakjflaj, Horny Librarian, and Angelina Umbridge Jolie, simultaneously. Somehow, due to a fluke of nature, their dress shirt buttons pop open spilling their ample bosoms deliciously.

    "Oh. There is a god," praised Draco, bleeding from the nose.

    "I'm so glad to be alive!" cried Ron, doing a one man wave with sixteen pairs of arms.

    "Bugger off," sulked Harry who walked by himself to the corner of the room. Ahhh. Poor impotent bastard.

THE MISSION IS SIMPLE: VOLDEMORT IS RETURNING. STOP HIM.

"Isn't that solely my job?" questioned Potterbottom.

YOU'VE ALREADY HAVE FIVE TRIES, YOU STUPID GIT. ANYONE ELSE BY NOW WOULD HAVE BOUGHT A GUN AND BLOWN VOLDEMORT'S BRAINS OUT."

"That's true, you know," commented Ron.

"OH shut up. And keep you hands to yourself, Roving Ron," answered Harry irritably.

I WILL GIVE YOU EACH MAGICAL POWERS.

FOR HARRY, GODRIC'S MAGICAL SWORD--"what? this is plastic! It's also made in friggin china."

FOR RON, THE MANY LEGGED ONE, THE BOOTS OF HERMES, MAY HE BE THE FLASH OF THIS ERA--"hey, cool. Pradas!"

FOR CHO--ER--THE HOT GIRL, THE LASSO OF TRUTH, MAY IT GUIDE YOU--"Okay! Okay! I get the picture! I'm bucktoothed! There. But why the hell are you giving me floss?

LEAST AND LASTLY, DRACO HUGEBASTARD, THE BLACK WARRIOR ("wasn't Tiger woods suppose to be the black warrior?"-Draco) ("shut up." -Tiger), AHEM!, FOR THE BLACK WARRIOR, THE HOUSE OF HORROR!

The three other Power Rangers began to laugh. Draco stomped at the ground, "Malibu Dreamhouse? MALIBU FRIGGIN DREAMHOUSE!"

The ENd?

P.S. I tried to extend randomness and the style of Sharon Armstrong, and the person who wrote Harry and the Bouncing Rat into its extreme form. I'm not sure if it's funny, but it's the type of humor I enjoy. Logical chaos.