Harry Potter and the What the Hell?

1)Harry Potter and the What the Hell?

2)Harry Potter and ObviousMan

"You'll think they'll come?"

"Who said that?"

I turned around but no one was there.

"Down here."

I lowered my head, and on the floor, a gray blotchy-toned rat stared insolently toward me. The man was never out of his rat form. Paranoid fool. What Voldemort saw in this sycophant, I will never know.

"Oh, it's you. I'm not talking to you until you've turn back human."

"Aw gee, Anne," said Peter. "You're such a hassle."

Voldemort was off basking in some dark ritual, and, in his absence, he had left me in charge of the encampment. It wasn't all glory and riches being the Dark Lord's heir. The psychopaths that followed my father were a rich variety, and to juggle their fears against each other took an expert. I neither had the time nor the penchant. Luckily for me, I had my wolves.

"What did you call me?" I said sinisterly. Peter backed away tremulously. My wolves were circling him, and for a moment, I considered killing him. The man had dared called me by my first name!

However, if wishes were fishes...

"Rocko! Juneau! Heel! Heel!" My wolves backed off, and Peter calmed down somewhat.

...then we'd all cast nets.

He had helped with Dad's resurrection, and, despite what my feelings were, the Riddle Code of Honor stated that Peter be repaid. We Riddles pay our debts. Always.

From the corner of my eyes, I noticed a few ill-placed strands of magic...when I unraveled it to its source, I found a woman standing calmly to the west of my encampment. The woman was obviously spying on me but not even my damning gaze seemed to perturb her. I could only grin at such audacity. Only Bellatrix could be so brazen. Of all my father's followers, she was the most interesting. My father told me that she aimed to be my stepmother and that her kindness to me was no more than a mere ploy...still, I could not help but enjoy her attentions.

"Anne!" she cried, rushing over to give me a hug. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," I answered, chafing slightly at her strength. "Do you know anything about this 'Exploding Snaps' nonsense?"

Peter was edging slowly away but I glared at him with Medusa-like eyes. If Dad had explained his ideas to Bellatrix, then I wanted Peter to receive the same information. He had a unique perspective; Dad had confided to him so frequently that the man had developed a weird understanding of the Dark Lord's motives. A brief sift through Peter's mind would sometimes yield serendipitously useful information. Information that smarter, more powerful servants like Bellatrix would have never told me.

"Yes. The Master has told me his grand design," she told me standoffishly. "He intends to...Oh but surely you already must know? You are his favored daughter, are you not?"

My response was as immediate as it was humble.

"I would not dare to assume to such familiarity. Should the Dark Lord confide in me, it be his wont, and nothing more," I responded calmly, refusing to bite into her verbal bait. Bellatrix was always sending out feelers. She was most certainly my ally but if she knew how angry my father was with me at the moment, well, she'd Brutus me without so much as batting a single, purple eyelash.

"Well," Bellatrix began. "He's serious about his Plan. The Hogwart's children will play a collective game with him. Should they win, he shall grant them each their heart's desire. Should the Dark Lord win, they must sign a binding contract to leave him alone..."

"That's the most retarded thing I've ever--" began Peter, but, with one well placed growl from Juneau, my bitch wolf, his mouth vised shut. Personally, I too thought it was retarded but only someone as stupid as Pettigrew would dare voice such truth. My father was a man of greatness, but magnanimity was something he had shed along with his humanity. Calling his Great Plan retarded was a sure path to death, and still may be for Pettigrew--most of my father's spies were not inserted into neither Hogwart's nor the Phoenix Order, but rather in the ranks of his Death Eaters. The very fear of spies, my father had found, was as effective and far less messy than the public executions of his enemies he had been so fond of in his younger days.

I could see Bellatrix's mind make a mental note of Peter's transgression. She wasn't my father's spy. For some reason, she disliked Pettigrew even more than me. Bellatrix could be very catty sometimes.

"Is that where my father is right now?" I asked.

"Yes," Bellatrix said.

I was shocked. My father was in Hogwart's, by himself, surrounded by the Dumbledore and his evil lackeys! Had father gone mad?

"Bella! Round up everyone, we go rescue my father right now!"

I made for my tent but Bella pulled me aside.

"No, dear. My Master has specifically quarantined you from his mission. In fact, he's quarantined us all."

"But that's ret--" I almost said it but held it back in time, much to the amusement of both Peter and Bella. "What's to stop Dumbledore from capturing my father on the spot?"

"Harry Potter's already agreed to our Master's terms. Master feels that Harry will find a way of keeping Dumbledore in the dark. After all, if Master is destroyed, Harry will never get his wish granted." Bellatrix pulled her hood up, and sat stiffly down. "The boy wants to revive Cho Chang. That's our Master's leverage." Her bony hands reached for my duffel bag, and, with a snap of her fingers, the kitchenware inside began to sort themselves out in Fantasia fashion.

I was incredulous. It seemed impossible. My father's capture was worth ten of these 'Cho Changs.' What kind of fool was this Harry Potter? Still, the risk of discovery was still too great. I had to get to the Aragog's lair in the Forbidden Forest. My father was in grave danger...

I made to move to my Afghani flying rug but one of Bellatrix's inferno flying monkey's blocked me.

When did she get flying monkeys?

"What's the meaning of this, Bella?" I screamed. The monkeys had launched themselves at me. Soon my robes and garter belt were ripped to shreds. They left my panties on, but they poked at it, grunting oafishly. I tried to run away, but a flying dive, from the largest of the monkeys, knocked me flat on my back. The rest swarmed over me completely, leaving only my face and left breast uncovered.

"I'll kill you for this!" I screamed. Bella sneered at me, and then walked to where Pettigrew was hiding. The man had bolted even before the first monkey had even touched me. The coward.

Bellatrix was whispering in his ear, and for some reason, Peter became more relaxed. He even smiled.

"FREE ME! I'll HAVE FATHER KILL YOU ALL! FREE ME!"

I tried to summon my wolves but Bellatrix had already done something to them, and the natural communications I had with them were filled with pain-wracked yelps. They were not dead but I could feel their pain as if it had been my very own.

Just then Pettigrew slapped me. It did not hurt but I was stunned all the same. How dare he! How dare...

"Shh, Princess. It seems that Bella's not as loyal to Voldemort as we all thought. She's found a new Master. Hehe," Pettigrew said. He was disgustingly close to me now. His breath was even worse. "She's been commanded to do away with you. Are you scared, Princess?"

I gasped. This was a coupe! A rebellion in the ranks. I had to get word to father...to Snape...to someone who would help me!

Peter began to drag me into his tent, and as I struggled, Bellatrix began her hideous laughter.

"Have fun, Rat!" she laughed. "Hahahah. Have fun!"

Have fun?

Peter closed his tent flap, and the outside light vanished. A lantern flared automatically but the light was dim, but not enough to hide my nakedness. The monkeys were abnormally strong, and I could only watch helplessly as they tied me to a nearby chair. The monkeys vanished in wisps of smoke, leaving Peter and I alone in the musky gloom.

"Let me go, you rat! Stop looking at me!" I shrieked. Peter's eyes scoped hungrily all over my body, and I knew now why Bellatrix had told him to 'have fun.'

As his shadow hovered over me, I turned my eyes away. His hands were coarse, and my body shivered uncontrollably as they ran up and down over my exposed, inner thigh.

"Shhh," he whispered. "Let's have a little fun, Anne. Trust me, I'm sure you'll enjoy it."

My mind raced to find an escape. I was a far more powerful witch than Peter, but I was wandless. And even if I could escape, Bellatrix was waiting outside, and she was as far beyond me as I was to the moaning man above me.

"Look at me, you bitch!" the man yelled, pulling my chin to his. He gave me a lasting kiss. The taste was bitter and most foul.

My eyes widened. I could feel his free hand snake toward my panties, and I squirmed from his touch. I rammed him in the nose, and he fell backwards. He looked up at me, not angry but...excited.

"What are you going to do, you sicko?" I asked calmly. "Have your way with me while I'm tied to a chair?" I needed to stall for time. "What are you, a pervert?"

Peter shrugged, and with his wand, he aimed at me, shouting, "Immobilius!"

My arms fell slack.

My mouth was rubbery, and Pettigrew was sticking his tongue in it again. I felt everything. But I could not scream. I closed my eyes, and began to wait for the inevitable.

When I woke up, I was fully clothed, but the Immobilius charm had stiffened my joints. It took some time before I could move them.

A House Elf moved quickly in front of me, and before I could even gasp in alarm, it spoke, "Iz missus okay?"

"Caleb! What are you doing here?"

And for that matter, what was I doing here? The morning had past and the night dominated my surrounding. I could barely make out where I was. The ground was full of pewter moss, and the walls around me seemed oddly constructed...almost alien.

Caleb was trying to stuff soup down my throat, barely giving enough time for me to part my lips.

"Hurry, eat. Caleb promised Rat Friend to take care of Missus. Caleb promised." The Elf was almost crying. He kept repeating 'Caleb promised' to himself and each utterance seemed to make him sadder.

"Caleb!" I said impatiently. "Stop with the soup. I need you to tell me where I am. Am I in prison? How long ago has it been since Bellatrix or Pettigrew--" I trembled slightly at his name. "--visited me? And my sisters...are Medea and Nimue in the same condition as I? Are they nearby?"

Caleb stopped. "Prison? Missus not in prison! Oh, no. Me tell missus what me saw." He counted his fingers off with each sentence he uttered, muttering like a schoolboy. "Mean Lady make you naked and then throws missus into the tent, but Rat Friend summon Caleb and says, 'You got to take care of Annie. She's innocent.' You got to take care of Annie, he says to me. So I take missus away."

He took the bowl of soup into his hands and began to thrust spoonfuls of it toward my flinching face. "Eat! Must get energy! Caleb promised Rat friend me take care of missus. Caleb promised."

I was confused. But I was also hungry and I devoured the chicken soup with the speed of a demon. Who would befriend a house-elf? The only person Caleb was close to was Pettigrew, who was practically little more than a human version of a house-elf himself...Rat friend? Caleb promised Rat Friend that he would take care of me...Whoa.

"Did this...Rat Friend tell you anything more?" I asked, getting up to stretch my legs.

Caleb nodded emphatically. "Rat Friend tell Caleb to take cares of missus. Tell Caleb to promise. Caleb take care of missus good. Caleb see everything safe. Caleb bring missus far, far away..."

I was about to throttle the insane little elf.

"Besides that!"

"Umm. Rat Friend say that after missus is strong, and awake, that he's sorry about kissing missus." Caleb could not possibly understand the message he relayed but, nevertheless, it still caused my cheeks to flare a deep pink. Caleb continued, "Rat Friend said to tell missus not to worry. Rat friend said he no touch missus. Missus look too much like Lily, Rat friend says." I breathed a sigh of relief. Pettigrew must have been too afraid of my father's wrath. Thank Merlin for small cowards.

"Where's your 'Rat Friend' now? I've got to ask him some questions."

Caleb was silent.

"Caleb?" I asked.

His voice was low, and I could barely make out the squeaky voice. Caleb's head hung just as low, and his fists were clenched stiffly to his side.

"Mean lady kill Rat Friend. No more Rat Friend, missus. Caleb have no more friend," sobbed the House-Elf. "After Caleb take care of missus, me returned to Missus' camp..." His eyes brightened in terror as if he was reliving the very memory he was relating. "Caleb...saw Rat Friend die...Die horrible...Then Mean Lady question Caleb but me promised Rat Friend so me lie to Mean Lady. Caleb good. Keep Caleb's word to friend."

Unbiddenly, a lump in my throat welled, but I swallowed it down. Now was not the time to empathize over foolish sacrifices. I walked over to the door. Pettigrew's flying rug was lodged firmly above the door's framepeice, but after a few small jumps, I was able to procure it. I strode outside Caleb's secret hut with the elf in tow.

'Where is missus be going?' he asked me concernedly. His bright blue eyes were backlighted with crimson. Pettigrew would have been glad that at least one person had mourned him. Truth be told, I was more than a little affected myself.

"To see my father, Caleb," I said, unfurling Pettigrew's rug onto the pewter moss before me. I bent down and kissed Caleb's forehead. "My father will set everything to rights again. Trust me." At the very mention of my father, he began to cower but I cooed the elf gently.

"No, no, no. I'll tell him what a brave elf Caleb was. And I'll tell him how evil the Mean Lady was--" Caleb's began to smile. "--And tell about how good Peter..er...Rat Friend was to you. And then he'll take revenge. He'll beat the Mean Lady to a pulp. Is that all right with you, Caleb?"

He responded with a very human expression displayed across his face. It didn't matter what kind of Magical Creature he was; the concept of revenge was universal. He waved goodbye to me, and I barely had time to stop myself from grinning. If father saw me consorting with slaves, he would have had a fit.

As I flew off, I gave a silent prayer, and hoped that I hadn't given Caleb false hope. Bellatrix had an abundance of vices but stupidity had never been one of them. Unless she possessed some way to vanquish my father, she would never, in a million years, have had the courage to even touch even my hair, much less design my assassination.

What had Pettigrew said when he shoved me into his tent? Bellatrix had a new master, he had said...Had that been a clue?

I leaned ever more forward into the wind. The rug accelerated but no speed would be fast enough to satisfy my urgency.

I'm coming, father. I'm coming.

Next Week:

Harry Potter and the Game of Life and Death

(Conclusion)