Spawn of the Perfect

Spawn of the Perfect

"Muahaha!" cackles Lockhart, locked up in his room at St. Mungo's.

Being who he was, Lockhart was allowed whatever he wanted within his room, under the right supervision. Firstly, he had asked for elevator music, because he heard it on the elevator on the way to his room and thought it was really sexy. Secondly, he had asked for a mirror, because he was curious to see what he looked like. (You must remember that he had lost his memory-and therefore did not have a clue about what he looked like.

That's when he discovered how truly beautiful he was. Oh, how he pined over his reflection for weeks-for years! The only think Gilderoy wanted now was himself. He yearned to be able to hold himself, to stroke himself, to be able to make love to himself.

Yes, it was all very confusing, but you have to remember that Gilderoy is insane so this whole story is going to be confusing.

One day, after being in the mental ward for a few years, he overheard two of the doctors talking.

"Have you heard what those damned Muggles are trying to do, Mo?"

"Nah, what are those crazies trying to do this time, Larry? Go to the moon?"

"No; they did that in the sixties."

"Really? Holy-"

"That's not what I was talking about. They're trying to clone humans!"

"Whazzat?"

"They want to make exact copies of themselves!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Alright. Let me explain this easily. They take a teensy bit of yourself, and make an exact copy of you. And it's permanent, too!"

"No, way!"

Lockhart listened closely, but he couldn't believe it. His one true love could come alive! No more need to use the mirror to...anyways, Lockhart was very happy and now very obsessed with the idea of cloning, to say the least.

He asked for every thing wizards could find about cloning; news articles, books, science journals-anything that would help him. Then he asked for all the equipment needed to do the deed of cloning himself.

And that's where we are now-Lockhart's insane cackle as he puts the finishing touches on his experiment Number One.

"I have done it!" he exclaims as the embryo with his DNA starts to divide and slowly grow. But could he wait nine months, and, oh-lets say 20 years for his clone to develop and grow up? No, of course he couldn't!

He spies the first woman doctor he sees-Dr. Mary Malone, a skinny woman with short black hair-coming down the hall outside his room through the window to his room, and says, "Dr. Malone, can you come here a minute?"

Dr. Malone, being a woman, cannot resist such a man as our dear Lockhart is, and comes. She comes into the room. "Yes, Mr. Lockhart, what is it? How is your experiment doing?"

Gilderoy sighs in such a pitiful way it would make a grown man cry. "Oh, Dr. Malone, it goes well, but for one thing."

Dr. Malone swoons. "Yes, Mr. Lockhart?"

"You have taught me so much of our world that was viciously ripped from my memory. You've taught me all about magic, and all the different spells in our world."

"It was my honor, Gilderoy."

Gilderoy, Lockhart thinks. My, that's a good sign.

"As you know, I've been working on this experiment for just an oh so long amount a time, but I feel that it will be all for naught unless you put a spell on it."

"What kind of spell...?" asks Dr. Mary Malone, ever so cautious.

"Nothing dangerous, just a Grow-Up-Spell, if such a spell exists." Gilderoy explains. "I fear that if my experiment doesn't progress quickly enough, exposure to all the dangers of the unprotected earth will eventually destroy the experiment."

Gilderoy hopes that sounds reasonable. (Of course it really doesn't, but who's to know any better, Dr. Malone is putty in Gilderoy's hand.) Just to be safe, Gilderoy grabs Dr. Malone and kisses her. To make it easier on himself, Gilderoy imagines it's Gilderoy he's kissing, and not Dr. Malone. (Yes, it is ever so confusing, isn't it?)

Still stunned by the kiss, Dr. Malone agrees, and before she knows what she's doing, casts the spell on the slowly developing Gilderoy-embryo.

Dr. Malone leaves, without knowing what's going on around her. She'll be like this for at least four more hours.

Gilderoy squees, and jumps around the room as the clone goes from embryo to grown-up in two-point-eight seconds.

Gilderoy Two-Point-Oh looks around as he slowly stops growing. "Who am I? What is my purpose here on earth? Who are you, you sexy animal?" he asks the original Lockhart.

Gilderoy smiles, and takes the clone in his arms, hugging him. "Your name is Gilderoy Lockhart, and you are my clone. I made you because you were the only creature on this earth worthy of my love."

"Oh," says the clone, "alright. Are we going to shag, now?"

"You bet," exclaims the original Gilderoy.

So Gilderoy and Gilderoy lived happily ever after.

And here ends our tale of love and deceit, magic and science. It is a strange story, one that could affect a person for the rest of his natural life. Sorry if that was you.