MST and The Order of the Phoenix

MST and the Order of the Phoenix

CHAPTER ONE - Dudley Demented, second part

// Mysterious voice: This is the fifth book in a series of seven. It happens in book three. And besides Sirius has other problems in this book!//

Sirius: What problems?

Mysterious voice: You'll find out in the end. So read on quickly!

James: May I read now?

Remus: Sure!

The opening notes of the music that heralded the seven o'clock news reached Harry's ears and his stomach turned over.

James: Why would his stomach turn over for just the tune.

Sirius: At least look at it this way. This way the soil gets some more moisturising!

All except Sirius: Ewwww, Sirius!

Sirius: What?

Perhaps tonight - after a month of waiting - would be the night.

Lily: Why would our little boy, want to hear the news so badly?

James: Don't know! I'll read on!

'Record numbers of

James: Unexplained deaths?

Sirius: Unexplained disappearings?

stranded holidaymakers fill airports as the Spanish baggage-handlers' strike reaches its second week -'

Snape: That's nothing that concerns us! We can Apparate. And to fly we don't need airports! Just brooms!

James: And at least four balls!

Peter: Quidditch! Do they play Quidditch at the Muggle airports?

Alice: Of course not! That would be much too dangerous!

'Give 'em a lifelong siesta, I would,' snarled Uncle Vernon

Peter: I could use a lifelong siesta!

James: So you want to die, Wormtail? It can be arranged... There is a certain Dark Wizard out there...

Peter: No, thanks!

Mysterious voice: And Wormtail what is stronger, your will to live, or your loyalty towards your friends?

Peter: My loyalty...

Mysterious voice: Liar!

over the end of the newsreader's sentence,

Lily: That is so annoying! Petunia always does when I'm home. Apparently she trained her husband to do it for her!

but no matter: outside in the flowerbed, Harry's stomach seemed to unclench.

Sirius: Good, now he isn't going to puke in the flowerbed.It's just not fun, when you are doing it yourself!

James: I'll leave the bucket here!

If anything had happened, it would surely have been the first item on the news;

Remus: You never know. The world can change!

Sirius: I know! My stupid brother, Regulus, has the wish to join the Death Eaters!

James: He will not change his mind, does he?

Sirius: No!

Mysterious voice: That's all you now!

death and destruction were more important than stranded holidaymakers.

Snape: Too right they are. I know for a fact that the Minister will let some things like death and destruction through. And what's so important about stranded holidaymakers. They should learn to Apparate!

Narcissa: Muggles, Apparating? Are you stupid Severus! They would splinch every time they would try! All those body parts lying around. Ewww... If I ever get children, I don't want them to see that!

He let out a long, slow breath

Snape: Is it such a disappointment not to hear anything from the magical world? I would be able to drop by!

James: Why would anyone be glad to see you, Snivellus?

and stared up at the brilliant blue sky.

Snape: I like stormy skies more!

Sirius: So you like to frolic near the Whomping Willow... That gives me on an idea...

James: Don't Sirius. Don't do anything that can costs his life! He's not worth it! Even the laugh is not worth it!

Every day this summer had been the same:

Narcissa: Hot, hot, hot!

::a bucket of ice appears above Narcissa::

James: ::smirks:: Are you really hot, Narcissa? Do you care for a refreshment?

Narcissa: Yes, a refreshment would be quite nice!

::the bucket of ice turns upside down::

Narcissa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

the tension, the expectation, the temporary relief, and then mounting tension again...

Peter: Is he talking about the weather or the news?

Remus: I would say both!

and always, growing more insistent all the time,

Sirius: The drought is here, and it's here to stay!

Narcissa: My poor, poor complexion! I don't know how I will ever get it right after that drought?

the question of why nothing had happened yet.

James: That's exactly how I feel...

Remus: About what?

James: ::to the other Marauders:: Every time Lily says she hates me.

Sirius: But as Harry is your son and hers... She will not hate you for long! It takes love to make a baby!

He kept listening, just in case there was some small clue,

Snape: HINT! HINT!

Sirius: What?

not recognised for what it really was by the Muggles

Snape: Muggles are so easy to manipulate! It's just that they don't have any logic in them!

Lily: They do, only they don't use it. Many wizards don't like to use it also!

- an unexplained disappearance, perhaps, or even some strange accident...

James: Sounds to what is happening now.

Sirius: No kidding, Regulus disappeared for a while last summer... said he joined the Death Eaters... stupid git!

Narcissa: Regulus is a darling boy! If he wasn't my cousin I'd marry him!

James: Snivellus here seems to be available...

Snape: Keep your mouth shut, Potter!

Narcissa: Why on earth would I want to marry that?

Sirius: For once, cousin, I agree with you!

but the baggage-handler's strike was followed by news of the drought in the Southeast

Narcissa: More drought! I hope I can keep my skin nice and moisturised!

Sirius: You don't need it! Even with moisturising, you still look like a raisin!

Narcissa: And how do you think, my darling sister Bella looks then?

Sirius: True, you look much better than Bella! She wears way to many make-up in the hope of covering up her ugliness! No wonder she's doing miserable in Potions. Her make-up keeps falling into her cauldron!

James: ::laughing::

Narcissa: I'm glad Bella isn't here, right now!

('I hope he's listening next door!' bellowed Uncle Vernon.

Peter: Why?

James: Because the next door neighbour is as stupid as you are!

Peter: I am not stupid!

Snape: Says who?

Peter: Me, my mother, my father, my sister...

Snape: So only very sad people then!

'Him with the sprinklers on at three in the morning!')

Peter: Why do they do have sprinklers on at three in the morning?

Remus: Don't you pay attention in Herbology, Wormtail? It's to water the plants!

Peter: But there is the drought...

Lily: That doesn't mean it isn't good for the plants. You can lay under the sprinklers if you like to get wet...

James: ::looking from Peter to Snape and back:: He has other ways of doing that, haven't you Peter...

Alice: Ewww! I don't even want to know!

*****

The door swings open and in stumble two redheads.

Fred: Phew! We made it!

George: Neither Filch nor Mrs. Norris will get us now.

Fred: Oy, where are we?

James: In the Room of Requirement. It's 1976.

George: Timetravel! We're from 1996

Remus: We are reading this book, and we don't seem to get out from here until it's finished...

Fred: Professor Lupin! You look young!

All except Fred and George: Professor?

George: Yeah, you taught us in our fifth year. Best teacher we ever had! But since it's 1976 you wouldn't know that.

Fred: Well, I'm Fred Weasley and this is my twin George.

Sirius: I'm Sirius Black

Fred: Nice to see you again, old friend!

Alice: My name is Alice Smith

George: Nice to meet you!

Lily: I'm Lily Evans, that are James Potter :: James raises his hand::

Fred: Ah, Harry's Parents!

Peter: Hi

Fred: Wormtail!

Remus/James/ Sirius/Peter: How'd you know?

Fred/George: ::grin evilly::

Snape: Hi

Fred: As if we haven't got enough troubles to deal with Snape also!

Snape: Why?

George: Not going to tell this easily!

Narcissa: And another twp redheads join us.

::Twins look suspicious::

Fred: Narcissa Black, I think we can do something to get back at you. You need it!

Lily: So now, we have all been properly introduced!

James: Can I please continue with the story?

Then a helicopter that had almost crashed in a field in Surrey,

Snape: Finally Muggles have come to a new conclusion of killing themselves instead of having us do it for them!

Lily: That's not very nice, Severus!

Snape: I am not nice, Mudblood!

James: ::hexes Snape::

Lily: ::undoes the hex:: That isn't funny, James!

James: Is wasn't meant to be funny!

then a famous actress's divorce from her famous husband

Narcissa: Who?

Sirius: Cissa, they are talking about Muggles! You are not remotely interested in them!

Narcissa: I am interested in their misery!

('As if we're interested in their sordid affairs,' sniffed Aunt Petunia,

Sirius: She sounds more and more like you, Cissa! Are you sure, you two haven't met?

Narcissa: Why would I go to any lengths to meet a Muggle, when I'm not allowed to torture them?

Snape: I wouldn't know!

who had followed the case obsessively in every magazine she could lay her bony hands on).

Sirius: Indeed, more of a resemblance: the both of you pretend that your not interested in Muggles!

Narcissa: I'm not interested in Muggles!

Sirius: That's exactly my point!

George: Wait a second... a friend of ours has an Aunt Petunia.

Sirius: Is he by any chance called Harry Potter?

Fred: Yeah. How'd you know, Sirius?

Sirius: Show him the cover, James.

George: I see...

Harry closed his eyes against the now blazing evening sky

James: The blaze, made me feel I was in a haze, although it was the sun that gazed!

Lily: What a beautiful poem, James! Who's it for?

James: Who else but you!

as the newsreader said, '- and finally,

Peter: Maybe he hears now what he wants to hear!

Sirius: Probably not!

Bungy the budgie has found a novel way of keeping cool this summer.

James: Somehow, I don't think you're right on this one, Wormtail!

Sirius: Indeed, who wants to hear about budgies?

Lily/Remus: ::hand up in the air::

Bungy, who lives at the Five Feathers in Barsnley, has learned to water ski! Mary Dorkins went to find out more.'

James: Water-skiing budgerigars... what's next? Flying elephants?

All: ::snigger::

Lily: Actually there is a Muggle cartoon about a flying elephant, called Dombo! He uses its ears as wings!

Sirius: I didn't know that Peter could fly with his ears!

Peter: I can't! I can't even stay on a broom that well!

Snape: Maybe you should enlarge his ears... He could then actually hear and learn something at the same time.

Harry opened his eyes.

James: Why open your eyes son? The sun is best when she gazes upon you while you have your eyes closed. She will not be able to blind you!

If they had reached water-skiing budgerigars, there would be nothing else worth hearing.

James: See, my son agrees with me!

Lily: Indeed he does.

Fred: I'll bet Harry wants a part of this time travel too. He loves to see his mum and dad, and Sirius!

George: But you don't seem to know what we are talking about yet, so we won't ell you!

Mysterious voice: And with good reason! They have to find out for themselves. They won't last long anyway... OOPS!

Remus: What was that all about?

George: Can't tell. She'll hex us!

He rolled cautiously on to his front and raised himself on to his knees and elbows, preparing to crawl from under the window.

Peter: He will crawl, because he doesn't want to be seen, right?

Sirius: Finally, you're making sense Wormtail!

Snape: He shall crawl before me!

George: He will, but not in the way you like it!

He had moved about two inches when several things happened in very quick succession.

All: What?

Peter: What happens?

James: I come to see my son!

Fred: Impossible.

Lily: Then I come to see my son!

George: Impossible.

A loud, echoing crack broke the sleepy silence like a gunshot;

Peter: What crack?

Remus: Probably someone Apparating, or Disapparating?

a cat streaked out from under a parked car and flew out of sight;

James: Is Mrs. Figg still around then?

Remus: She isn't that quick. Maybe the cat went to get her!

Sirius: Yeah, right!

a shriek, a bellowed oath and the sound of breaking china came from the Dursleys' living room,

Lily: Clumsy Petunia. This is not at all how I know you, But then again. There was something magical happening at that moment and she is terrified by everything magical!

Fred/George: considering what's happened to her family, she should be!

and as though this was the signal Harry had been waiting for he jumped to his feet,

Peter: They'll see him!

Sirius: Well, duh!

at the same time pulling from the waistband of his jeans

Peter: A terrible weapon?

Sirius: His wand!

a thin wooden wand as if he were unsheathing a sword

Snape: He wouldn't know how to unsheat a sword. He hasn't got one...

George: He has Professor Snape. Dumbledore is keeping it for him!

All except Fred and George: Professor Snape?

Fred: He's the Potions Master.

Snape: Potions, I'd rather have a post of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Fred: You won't, or at least we won't see it in our time at Hogwarts. Lupin was Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher though!

Remus: Even with my... er... condition?

George: Yes! Snape filled in once. It was horrible!

James: By the way what kind of wand does Harry have?

George: Ron, our brother is his best friend. He told us. 11 inches, made of Holly with a phoenix feather core!

Remus: Wow! I know James' has a Phoenix feather core also!

- but before he could draw himself up to full height,

Fred: Something extraordinary happened?

the top of his head collided with the Dursley's open window.

Peter: That must have hurt!

James: Why did he forget that the window was still open? Why did he forget the window opened outwards and not inwards?

The resultant crash made Aunt Petunia scream even louder.

Sirius: I wish I could have been there to see it!

George: Where is my dad's camera when I need it?

Harry felt as though his head had been split in two.

Lily: My poor boy!

Eyes streaming,

Lily: Wipe your eyes, my darling!

he swayed, trying to focus on the street to spot the source of the noise, but he had barely staggered upright

James: :: happy tears:: See, Sirius! He's just like me.

when two large purple hands

Alice: Beautiful purple isn't ugly!

James: Somehow I doubt that this purple is beautiful!

Sirius: Me too, his hands are purple. Harry should bite them!

reached through the open window and closed tightly around his throat.

James/Lily: ::stand up:: He's killing my son! I'll kill him!

Remus/Alice: Don't act rashly, you two!

'Put - it - away!' Uncle Vernon snarled into Harry's ear. 'Now! Before - anyone - sees!'

Alice: As if he isn't trying to draw attention to the two of them by choking Harry!

Snape: Good point!

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled.

James/Lily: Show him, Harry. Beat him!

Alice: ::gasp:: I never seen Lily this protective!

Fred: Well, he is her first and only son!

Mysterious voice: One, more time Fred and I'll hex you!

Harry pulling at his uncle's sausage-like fingers with his left hand,

Peter: Yammie, sausages... Eat them, Harry!

Snape: There are no sausages, peabrain! Only the fathead's fingers.

his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wand;

James: Good one! You never know if someone might be attacking you while you are already restrained!

then, as the pain in the top of Harry's head gave a particularly nasty throb,

Sirius: What happens?

Narcissa: Who cares?

All except Narcissa: WE!

::Lily hexes Narcissa::

Lily: So, she will be out cold for a while!

James: Finally. She was getting quite annoying! Remus, wouldn't let me!

Uncle Vernon yelped and released harry as though he had received an electric shock.

Peter: How does that feel... getting an electrical shock?

Mysterious voice: ::zaps Peter:: Like this! Anyone else want to try?

All: No, thanks!

Some invisible force seemed to have surged through his nephew,

Lily: That sounds more like something out of a movie... Star Wars I believe it was! But at least this is another force, and it seems to run strongely in my boy!

making him impossible to hold.

Remus: An invisible force. Nice to know that he can't be killed that way.

Fred: Harry is strong! He can survive anything. Falling fifty feet of a broom, losing all the bones in his arm...

George: ...slaying a Basilisk, winning the Triwizard Tournament, finding his way around dragons...

Fred: ...and the little thing that we aren't supposed to tell!

George: Well, it's not little.

Panting, Harry fell forwards over the hydrangea bush,

James: And did a whole salto in the process...

Sirius: Probably!

straightened up and stared around.

Remus: Stare into the distance! Can he see the future?

Fred: No!

There was no sign of what caused the loud cracking noise,

All: Disapparating or Apparating!

But there were several faces peering through various nearby window.

Snape: Nosy, kind of people are they!

Lily: Oh no, more Petunia's!

James: My worst nightmare!

Harry stuffed his wand hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent.

James: He IS innocent!

Sirius: Somehow, I don't think the Muggles agree with you, Prongs!

'Lovely evening!' shouted Uncle Vernon, waving at Mrs. Number Seven opposite,

Peter: Strange name, Mrs. Number Seven!

James: Indeed. What is your name Mrs.?

Sirius: ::in high female voice:: I'm Agatha Number Seven, of Seven Privet Drive!

All: ::laugh::

James: And what do you do?

Sirius: ::in high female voice:: I'm a very nosy housewife, just like my best friend Petunia Dursley!

All: ::laugh::

Who was glaring from behind her net curtains. 'Did you hear that car backfire just now?

Lily: A car backfire? There was no car passing and second that doesn't make thus loud sounds!

Gave Petunia and me quite a turn!'

Peter: I thought he got frightened by the sound. That doesn't mean it has anything to do with turning!

Lily: He meant that when you are disrupted by a sound, that you usually turn towards the sound. And I guess they did that a little too abruptly!

Sirius: Good for them!

He continued to grin in a horrible, manic way

James: Then don't smile if it is so horrid and manic!

Sirius: Nah, he's enjoying it too much!

until all the curious neighbours had disappeared from their various windows,

Peter: I don't understand why they wanted to look in the first place!

Sirius: That's because you are just plain stupid, Wormtail!

then the grin became a grimace of rage as he beckoned Harry back towards him.

Lily: Don't go, Harry!

James: The trick is to go close enough to hear him, and far away enough to avoid Vernon's outstretched arms.

Harry moved a few steps closer, taking care to stop just short of the point at which Uncle Vernon's outstretched hands could resume their strangling.

James: Smart boy we have, Evans!

Lily: He could it be different. With a mother with a brain like mine...

James: You are his mother!

Lily: It hasn't been said, yet! And none of us has been mentioned, so far!

Remus: She has a point, Prongs!

'What the devil do you mean by it, boy?' asked Uncle Vernon in a croaky voice that trembled with fury.

Sirius: What has my mother got to do with it? She's not residing in Harry is she?

George: Nah! Harry is way too nice for that!

Sirius: You met my mother?!

Fred: Not really, just her painting, shouting at the top of her lungs all kinds of verbal accusations...

Sirius: Yep, that's her alright!

'What do I mean by what?' said Harry coldly.

Peter: By the crack?

He kept looking left and right up the street, still hoping to see the person who had made the cracking noise.

Peter: He can't. However it was is long gone.

Sirius: And how do you purpose how can they be invisible

James: ::cough:: Cloak :: cough::

Sirius: Oh, yeah!

'Making a racket like a starting pistol right outside our -'

Sirius: How d'you know?

Peter: Read it, when you were distracted!

'I didn't make that noise,' said Harry firmly.

Alice: He can't have done it. He's too young to Apparate!

Lily: True, but I still can't figure out where everybody is...

Mysterious voice: Be patient, Lily.

Aunt Petunia's thin, horsy face now appeared beside Uncle Vernon's wide, purple one. She looked livid.

Snape: Why is she livid? Couldn't she be more angry?

Peter: Why?

Sirius: Harry wasn't supposed to be there in the first place. He wasn't supposed to listen to the news now, was he?

'Why were you lurking under our window?'

Sirius: Oh-OH

Lily: He's in trouble now!

'Yes - yes, good point Petunia! What were you doing under our window, boy?'

Lily: When I get home, I'm going to teach her a lesson about the proper way to treat family!

James: He lives in your house, he MAY lay there!

'Listening to the news,' said Harry in a resigned voice.

James: Never resign, my boy! Resigning is the first step towards defeat!

His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.

'Listening to the news! Again?'

Sirius: Again. How many times has he listened to the news then? All four weeks?

Lily: Yes, he is MY son!

'Well, it changes every day, you see,' said Harry.

James: Indeed it does. Budgerigars don't learn every day how to water-ski!

All: ::laugh::

'Don't you be a clever with me, boy!

Lily: He IS clever!

James: Surely, especially when he's our son!

I want to know what you're really up to

Snape: Who doesn't!

- and don't give me any more of this listening to the news tosh.

Peter: What does tosh mean?

Sirius: I guess it means something like "crap"!

You know perfectly well that your lot-'

Peter: What do we lot do?

Remus: Sitting in the Room of Requirement reading a book about James and Lily's future son Harry!

'Careful Vernon!' breathed Aunt Petunia,

Lily: Careful, that is a word that isn't really in Petunia's dictionary!

All: ::laugh::

and Uncle Vernon lowered his voice so that Harry could barely hear him,

James: I do think it is in his, though!

'- that your lot don't get on our news!'

'That's all you know,' said Harry.

Snape: I told you so! Big deal he saw some wizards on TV!

Lily: I know for a fact that Petunia would indeed go all hysterical if she heard that there was a wizard on TV.

Sirius: I want to be on TV!

Fred/George: You will be!

Mysterious voice: Book three!

The Dursleys goggled at him for a few seconds. Then Aunt Petunia said, 'You're a nasty little liar.

James/Lily: Don't call my son a liar!

Peter: And where did they get goggles?

Snape: When, oh when will he get a brain?

Sirius: Never!

What are all those -' she too, lowered her voice

Sirius: She has updated her dictionary then, Lily!

so that Harry had to lip-read the next word, '-owls doing if they're not bringing you news?'

Lily: Wow! He can lip-read too! That's so hard. I tried it once, but it never works for me!

James: That's not the point, Evans!

Lily: What is the point then, James?

James: The point is that he isn't getting any news!

'Aha!' said Uncle Vernon in a triumphant whisper.

Sirius: Only getting it now, sausage man!

'Get out of that one, boy! As if we didn't know you get all your news from those pestilential birds!'

Sirius: Owls are very handy birds. How could they be a pestilence?

Lily: I guess, my sister means that owls to Muggles are not normal pets!

James: You agree with you sister?

Lily: No, but I can see where she is coming from!

Harry hesitated for a moment.

Sirius: Hesitation is only a bit worse than doing nothing!

James: Hesitation it never good!

It cost him something to tell the truth this time,

Lily: Truth is always stranger than fiction.

Remiss: But it is also preferable to lies!

even though his aunt and uncle could not possible know how bad he felt at admitting it.

Lily: Admit it and you will be able to trust yourself.

James: Don't admit it! It's just bad to admit something that you don't want to get out!

Lily: Speaking from experience, James?

'The owls... aren't bringing me news,' he said tonelessly.

'I don't believe it,' said Aunt Petunia at once.

James: We do!

Lily: Indeed!

'No more do I,' said Uncle Vernon forcefully

Sirius: And I do believe, Harry! Purely because I don't want to believe them!

James: Amen!

'We know you're up to something funny,' said Aunt Petunia.

'We're not stupid, you know,' said Uncle Vernon.

Sirius: Really, it really sounds like you are!

James: Amen!

Lily: Those people, if this is true will be you future in-laws!

James: HELP!

'Well, that's news to me,' said Harry,

Sirius: I agree with Harry. They don't seem that intelligent to me!

his temper rising,

Sirius: ::whispers to James:: I think he has Lily's temper!

James: :: whispers to Sirius:: I think you are right!

and before the Dursleys could call him back, he had wheeled about, crossed the front lawn, stepped over the low garden wall and was striding up the street.

Alice: Not a good move.

Lily: You'll get punished for it later!

James: But at least he has some delay, and maybe he can find a way to avoid punishment!

He was in trouble now and he knew it. He would have to face his aunt and uncle later and pay the price for his rudeness,

Lily: He knows he's done something wrong, but he still does it! WHY?

James: ::smiles innocently:: My inheritance?

but he did not care very much just at the moment; he had much more pressing matters on his mind.

Peter: What? He has a headache?

James: No, he's just about to get a headache! Just like I am!

Harry was sure the cracking noise had been made by someone Apparating or Disapparating

All: As if we didn't know already.

George: Dung really must be more careful!

Alice: Who's Dung?

Fred: You'll find out soon enough!

Lily: Is Dung a new car brand?

George: No, he's a wizard!

It was exactly the sound Dobby the house-elf

James: Does he own a house-elf?

Fred: ::big smile:: No, Narcissa will own Dobby and lose him thanks to Harry.

Narcissa: I hat the boy even less! Losing me, my house-elf! By the way, who owns Kreacher nowadays?

Fred/George: Sirius!

Sirius: That means that Mum and Dad are dead, and I don't know about Regulus. But I guess he must be dead too, because it would be in their testament that he'll inherit everything!

made when he vanished into thin air.

Sirius: Kreacher never does that! I can't stand him!

Was it possible that Dobby was here in Privet Drive?

Narcissa: No!

Could Dobby be following him right at this very moment?

Sirius: No, house-elves can't leave the house, unless they are told to!

Fred: Don't be too sure of that!

As this thought occurred he wheeled around and stared back down Privet Drive, but it appeared to be completely deserted

Sirius: Harry is actually considering that the Elf could be there!

and Harry was sure that Dobby did not know how to become invisible.

Sirius: Too bad they can't! I wish Kreacher could become invisible!

Narcissa: Kreacher is a nice and lovely house-elf!

James: Yeah, right!

He walked on, hardly aware of the route he was taking,

Remus: Lost in thought, my boy?

for he had pounded these streets so often lately that his feet carried him back to his favourite haunts automatically.

James: Nope, auto pilot!

Every few steps he glanced back over his shoulder.

Snape: Paranoid? You should be! I'm coming after you!

Someone magical had been near him as he lay among Aunt Petunia's dying begonias, he was sure of it.

Narcissa: Why are you so sure of it, boy?

Why hadn't they spoken to him, why hadn't they made contact, why were they hiding now?

James: Why wouldn't anyone want to talk to my son?

Lily: Because Petunia can be very manipulative.

And then, as his feeling of frustration peaked, his certainty leaked away.

Perhaps it hadn't been a magical sound after all.

All: It was!

Perhaps he was so desperate for the tiniest sign of contact from the world to which he belonged that he was simply overreacting to perfectly ordinary noises.

James: No way!

Lily: Being outside the magical world can do that to you!

James: I don't understand...

Peter: That's a first! James not understanding something!

James: ::zaps Peter::

Peter: AU!

Could he be sure it hadn't been the sound of something breaking inside a neighbour's house?

Alice: No, that sounds different!

Harry felt a dull, sinking sensation in his stomach and before he knew it the feeling of hopelessness that had plagued him all summer rolled over him once again.

James: Don't wallow in self-pity. It will all turn around in the end!

Tomorrow morning he would be woken by the alarm at five o'clock so he could pay the owl that delivered the Daily Prophet

Snape: I thought he said he didn't get any news from the owls? What is the paper then about? Cartoons?

- but was there any point continuing to take it? Harry merely glanced at the front page before throwing it aside these days; when the idiots who ran the paper finally realised that Voldemort

Fred/George/Peter: ::flinch::

was back

Remus: I didn't even know he went away!

Fred: He went away for almost fourteen years!

Sirius: It must be a powerful wizard who drove him away for that long!

it would be headline news, and that was the only kind Harry cared about.

Remus/Lily: That's not the only news you should care about!

Sirius: As if!

Fred: I agree with the Professor here! Negative publicity is publicity, but you must look for it in the papers!

If he was lucky, there would also be owl carrying letters from his best friends Ron and Hermione,

George: My brother and his girlfriend!

though any expectation he'd had that their letters would bring him news had long since been dashed.

Lily: Why would they write such letters to my boy?

George: Dumbledore told them too!

We can't say much about you-know-what, obviously...

Peter: Why not? And what is you-know-what?

George: You-know-what is the return of you-know-who!

We've been told not to say anything important in case our letters go astray...

Sirius: By whom? Why would letters go astray?

Fred: Because You-Know-Who is back off course, and the Ministry isn't helping too much!

We're quite busy but I can't give you any details here...

Sirius: Busy, my ass! If you can't even write proper letters to my godson, you are not properly busy!

There's a fair amount going on, we'll tell you everything when we see you...

James: But when will he see them?

But when were they going to see him? Nobody seemed too bothered with the precise date.

James: He thinks like me!

Remus: But he is going to see them! I always say better late, than never!

Hermione has scribbled I expect we'll be seeing you quite soon inside his birthday card, but how soon was soon?

Remus: Interesting rhetorical question!

Lily: Indeed, and nobody knows the answer, except maybe time!

James: That is the exact description of a rhetorical question! And also exactly why I don't like them!

As far as Harry could tell from the vague hints in their letters, Hermione and Ron were in the same place, presumably at Ron's parents house.

Fred: Nope, we aren't there!

George: Just having a nice vacation with a friend!

He could hardly bear to think of the pair of them having fun at The Burrow when he was stuck in Privet Drive.

Fred: They sure are having fun, in between cleans. We walked in on them once...

George: For once, I wished Colin was there to take a picture!

Sirius: Who's Colin?

Fred: A Muggleborn with a love for photography! He's a year below Harry. He seems to idolize Harry!

In fact, he was so angry with them he had thrown away, unopened, the two boxes of Honeydukes chocolates they'd sent him for his birthday.

James: You'll regret it!

Remus: I love chocolate!

Lily: I love chocolate, too!

James: What kind of chocolate?

Lily: All kinds, except the ones with liquor in them, or marzipan!

He'd regretted it later, after the wilted salad Aunt Petunia had provided for dinner that night.

James: Told you so!

Peter: I'm getting hungry. When do we get anything to eat?

Mysterious voice: When the chapter is finished!

Peter: But that is still so damn long?

Mysterious voice: Ok, her you go! One Every Flavour Bean! Each!

James: I got coconut!

Remus: I got pineapple.

Peter: I got anchovies. I don't even like anchovies! I'm not a cat!

James: I don't think the mysterious voice likes you!

Sirius: I got Butterbeer!

Snape: I got pepper

Snape: I agree with the mysterious voice! I don't like you too, Snivellus!

Lily: I got strawberries with whipped cream!

Alice: I got orange!

Narcissa: I got Brussels sprouts! Yuck!

Sirius: I thought you'd get raisins!

Mysterious voice: The taste much to good!

George: I got corned beef

Fred: With me they forgot the beef! It was just sweet corn!

And what were Ron and Hermione busy with?

Narcissa: Snogging, what else!

Why wasn't he, Harry, busy?

James: Does he have someone to snog with?

Fred: Not yet...

Hadn't he proved himself capable of handling much more than them?

George: Just a little! He's becoming such a prat at the age of 15, isn't he?

Sirius: What's wrong with that?

Fred: Nothing, but those people have a tendency to die young!

George: And we don't want that to happen to Harry do we?

James/Lily/Sirius/Remus: No!

Narcissa/Snape/Peter: Yes!

::Sirius/James/Lily and Remus hit Peter::

Peter: AU!

Had they all forgotten what he had done?

Fred: No, they haven't it's just the Ministry thinks he's lying!

Hadn't it been he who had entered that graveyard and watched Cedric Diggory

Remus: Isn't there an Amos Diggory here at school?

James: Yes, in Hufflepuff.

George: This git was his son. Sorry, will be! Also in Hufflepuff...

being murdered,

Peter: By who?

Fred: You-Know-Who!

Remus: You're kidding?

George: No, not kidding! Or was it his helpful assistant... :: eyeing Wormtail::

and been tied to that tombstone and nearly killed?

James: Who's after my child!

George: Again, You-Know-Who!

Lily: Why?

Mysterious voice: Next chapter, you hear a little more about that!

Don't think about that, Harry told himself sternly for the hundredth time that summer.

Remus: That's the way to go, stay cool and focus on your goals!

Lily: Don't let your anger get the better of you, darling!

It was bad enough that he kept revisiting the graveyard in his nightmares,

Lily: My baby has nightmares. I wish I could comfort him!

James: One thing is for sure. Petunia, Vernon or Dudley won't do that!

without dwelling in it in his waking moments too.

Remus: That's indeed much worse. Having your nightmares haunt you during daytime!

James: Mine never do that, thank God!

He turned a corner into Magnolia Crescent; halfway along he passed the narrow alleyway down the side of a garage

Snape: Why on earth is that important?

Alice: You never know, Severus!

where he had first clapped eyes on his godfather. Sirius,

Sirius: This is the first time any of us is mentioned. I'm his godfather! Thank you, James, Lily!

at least, seemed to understand how Harry was feeling.

James: Why does Sirius understand how my son is feeling, and I'm not?

Fred: It will be much clearer in the next chapter I guess..

Admittedly, his letters were just as empty of proper news as Ron and Hermione's,

James: You must write some more news to him, Sirius! Or are you on Dumbledore's orders too?

Sirius: Probably!

but at least they contained words of caution and consolation instead of tantalising hints:

Peter: And that is good because...

Remus: This way it won't give you the idea that you are missing out on something. It makes you feel more important, so to speak!

Peter: Oh, ok!

I know this must be frustrating for you...

Sirius: I can imagine!

Keep your nose clean and everything will be OK...

Peter: Why must he keep his nose clean? It's not like it's dirty or something?

Lily: ::hits Peter::

Peter: What have I done?

Lily: Asked a stupid question!

Be careful and don't do anything rash...

Remus: You're finally getting sensible at the ripe old age of...

Fred: 36

Sirius: Just 36? That's still young isn't it?

George: Too young, for what happens to you!

Sirius: What? Tell me!

Well, thought Harry, as he crossed Magnolia Crescent, turned into Magnolia Road and headed towards the darkening play park,

Lily: I don't like the vision of Harry all alone in the streets...

Sirius: That's why you are his mother...

he had (by and large) done as Sirius advised.

Remus: Good for you and Sirius!

He had at least resisted the temptation to tie his trunk to his broomstick and set off for The Burrow by himself.

Fred: Good idea, because there is nobody there!

George: We're on holiday in London!

In fact, Harry thought his behaviour had been very good considering how frustrated and angry he felt at being stuck in Privet Drive so long,

Sirius: I wouldn't know what I would do if I was stuck at home for that long...

James: Run away to my home?

Sirius: Good idea! I should try that. Your parents wouldn't mind anyway.

James: Indeed, they like you almost as much as they like me!

reduced to hiding in flowerbeds

Lily: ::shakes her head::

in the hope of hearing something that might point to what Lord Voldemort

Fred/George/Peter: ::flinch::

was doing. Nevertheless, it was quite galling to be told not to be rash

Sirius: How come? My parents say that to me every single day!

by a man who served twelve years in the wizard prison, Azkaban,

Sirius: What? Why was I in Azkaban for twelve years?

Narcissa: It's your Slytherin heritage, dear cousin!

escaped,

All except Fred and George: What? Escape from Azkaban? Impossible!

Fred/George: He did it! It's a shame that a dozen Death Eaters followed his suit!

attempted to commit the murder he had been convicted for in the first place,

Sirius: Who did I attempt to kill?

Fred: Hint one: There is a traitor among us! ::eying Wormtail::

George: ::eyeing Snape::

then gone on the run with a stolen Hippogriff.

Sirius: Where would I steal a Hippogriff?

All except Sirius: HAGRID!

James: Who else would keep a flock of Hippogriffs!

Harry vaulted over the locked park gate and set off across the parched grass.

Alice: He sure is atlethic...

George: What do you want, he's a Quidditch Player!

Sirius: Cool! What position?

Fred: Seeker! We are Beaters.

James: So being a Seeker is another thing I gave to my son!

The park was as empty as the surrounding streets.

Narcissa: What would you want to do at a play park at night?

James: I could think of something, but nothing with you though!

When he reached the swings he sank on to the only one that Dudley and his friends had not yet managed to break, coiled one arm around the chain and stared moodily at the ground.

Snape: He does have some snakelike traits that kid of yours, Potter! Sure he isn't a Slytherin?

Fred: Nope, he's in Gryffindor. Just like we are!

He would not be able to hide in the Dursley's flowerbed again. Tomorrow, he would have to think of some fresh way of listening to the news.

James: He will find something. Any boy of mine is supposed to be inventive!

In the meantime he had nothing to look forward to but another restless, disturbed night, because even when he escaped the nightmares about Cedric

Sirius: That seems as if that's not very often...

he had unsettling dreams about long dark corridors, all finishing in dead ends and locked doors,

James: Does he know where the the corridor is...

Mysterious voice: Not at that moment...

which he supposed had something to do with the trapped feeling he had when he was awake.

Lily: My baby, feels trapped. I want to get him out of there...

James: You can't it's just a book! At least for now...

Often the old scar on his forehead prickled uncomfortably, but he did not fool himself that Ron or Hermione or Sirius would find that very interesting any more.

James: Where did he get that scar in the first place? And why does it keep hurting?

Fred: He got the scar when he was one...

George: On Halloween!

Sirius: Did something go wrong went they went ouf for Trick or Treat?

George: Ehhh.... Something like that!

In the past, his scar hurting had warned that Voldemort

Fred/George/Peter: ::flinch::

was getting stronger again, but now that Voldemort

Fred/George/Peter: ::flinch::

was back they would probably remind him that its regular irritation was only to be expected... nothing to worry about... old news...

Peter: He knows what You-Know-Who thinks and feels?

George: Yep!

Sirius: Nice gift!

James: It sounds more like a curse to me!

The injustice of it all welled up inside him so that he wanted to yell with fury. If it hadn't been for him, nobody would even have known Voldemort

Fred/George/Peter: ::flinch::

was back! And his reward was to be stuck in Little Whinging for four solid weeks, completely cut off from the magical world,

James: I wouldn't agree with such a reward, I'd say something about it.

Lily: But he's in danger now that Voldemort is back.

reduced to squatting among dying begonias so that he could hear about water-skiing budgerigars!

Remus: And there they are again. The budgerigars. Next time we should catch some and let them water-ski over the lake...

Sirius: I guess the Giant Squid wouldn't mind a free meal!

How could Dumbledore have forgotten him so easily?

Fred: He hasn't!

Why had Ron and Hermione got together without inviting him along, too?

Narcissa: I can't understand why anyone want to join in as the third party in a snogging or shagging couple!

Sirius: Don't let my Mum hear you, Cissa! She'll wash your mouth with soap!

James: Hey, an idea! ::eyeing Snape::

How much longer was he supposed to endure Sirius telling him to sit tight and be a good boy;

Sirius: Not long, I promise!

Mysterious voice: You've got that right!

or resist the temptation to write to the stupid Daily Prophet and point out that Voldemort

Fred/George/Peter: ::flinch::

had returned?

Sirius: Good point? Why doesn't he write to the Daily Prophet?

Mysterious voice: Read on!

Alice: My turn!

These furious thoughts whirled around in Harry's head, and his insides writhed in anger as a sultry, velvety night fell around him.

Peter: The night is hot and he is still lost in thought and still he had problems controlling his bowel?

Remus: It sure sounds like it!

The air full of the smell of warm, dry grass and the only sound that he low grumble of traffic on the road beyond the park railings.

Lily: I kind off like that sound. It's calming in a way.

Alice: You're crazy. Surroundings like those we have here are more tranquil!

Lily: I don't deny that. It's just that I like that other sounds too...

He did not know how long he had sat on the swing before the sound of voices interrupted his musings and he looked up.

Alice: Who would interrupt his thoughts?

The street lamps from the surrounding roads were casting a misty glow strong enough to silhouette a group of people making their way across the park.

Sirius: Don't tell me! Dudley's gang!

One of them was singing a loud, crude song. The others were laughing. A soft ticking noise came from several expensive racing bikes that they were wheeling along.

Peter: ::humming::

Alice: I can hear them already, and they can't sing at all!

Lily: No, Alice! That's just Peter being stupid!

Harry knew who those people were. The figure in front was unmistakably his cousin, Dudley Dursley, wending his way home, accompanied by his faithful gang.

Sirius: ::opens his mouth to speak::

James: Yes, I know Padfoot! You told us so!

Dudley was as vast as ever, but a year's hard dieting and the discovery of a new talent had wrought quite a change in his physique.

Peter: Physique. Difficult word. It's that I just heard James pronounce it, otherwise I wouldn't have known how to pronounce it!

As Uncle Vernon delightedly told anyone who would listen, Dudley had recently become the Junior Heavyweight Inter School Boxing Champion of the Southeast.

Lily: Vast, heavy... Indeed he looks like Vernon! But I don't think Vernon ever was a boxing champ!

Sirius: He looks like Wormtail here too, I suppose!

Peter: Hey!

'The noble sport', as Uncle Vernon called it, had made Dudley even more formidable than he had seemed to Harry

James/Lily: I'll kill him!

in their primary school days when he had served as Dudley's first punchball.

James/Lily/Sirius: I'll kill him too!

Harry was not remotely afraid of his cousin any more

Remus: Good for you!

but he still didn't think that Dudley learning to punch harder and more accurately was case for celebration.

Peter: I agree with Harry here!

James: You're not the only one, Wormtail!

Neighbourhood children all around were terrified of him - even more terrified than they were of 'that Potter boy' who, they had been warned, was a hardened hooligan

James: My son is not a hooligan!

and attended St. Brutus's Secure Centre for Incurably Criminal Boys.

Sirius: My godson is supposed to go were? Lily, kick your sister when you see her next time!

Lily: ::defiantly:: I will!

:: Narcissa awakes::

Harry watched the dark figures crossing the grass and wondered who they had been beating up tonight.

Snape: Shame it isn't him.

Narcissa: ::pointing at Lily:: Ssssh, Severus!

Look round, Harry found himself thinking as he watched them. Come on... look round... I'm sitting here all alone... come and have a go...

James: He's trying to provoke them, or is he just thinking that?

Remus: Just thinking!

If Dudley's friends saw him sitting here, they would be sure to make a beeline for him, and what would Dudley do then?

Remus: Interesting question. I feel a bet coming on!

Snape: He'd punch him!

Sirius: No way.

James: Are you saying that, because snivellus is saying that he will, or do you realy think so?

Sirius: Because Snivellus says he will!

He wouldn't want to lose face in front of the gang, but he'd be terrified of provoking Harry...

Sirius: Provoking? Nothing can happen, can there?

it would be really fun to watch Dudley's dilemma, to taunt him, watch him, with him powerless to respond - he had his wand.

Sirius: My favourite sport: taunting. At least next to Quidditch.

Fred/George/James: Quidditch is the best sport EVER!

Let them try... he'd love to vent some of his frustration on the boys who had once made his life hell.

Peter: Something tells me they won't!

Narcissa: How can that be?

But they didn't turn around, they didn't see him,

Lily: Thank God!

they were almost at the railings. Harry mastered the impulse to call after them...

Lily: Stay nice, stay calm, my darling!

seeking a fight was not a smart move... he must not use magic... he would be risking expulsion again.

Lily: James Potter, what kind of genes have you given to MY son?

James: ::innocently:: Normal ones!

The voices of Dudley's gang died away; they were out of sight, heading along Magnolia Road.

Alice: Finally. I don't like that gang... I don't like most gangs in general.

Lily: Me too, especially the one with James in them!

James: HEY!

There you go, Sirius, Harry thought dully. Nothing rash. Kept my nose clean. Exactly the opposite of what you'd have done.

James: Indeed. Sirius would have done nothing of the sort. I would probably have done the same as Sirius!

Lily: And that's why I hate you James Potter!

He got to his feet and stretched. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon seemed to feel that whenever Dudley turned up was the right time to be home,

Lily: Fair enough...

and any time after that was much too late.

James/Sirius: Uh-oh!

Lily: No way, but uh-oh is right!

Uncle Vernon had threatened to lock Harry in the shed if he came home after Dudley ever again,

Lily: See?

James: :: in a resigned voice:: Yes, I see...

Snape/Remus/Sirius/Peter: ::snigger::

James: WHAT?!

so, stifling a yawn, and still scowling, Harry set off towards the park gate.

Lily: he must really get some good nights sleep. He needs some potions... Severus, couldn't you make one...

Snape: I'm way to busy to think about Potter's kid!

Magnolia Road, like Privet Drive, was full of large, square houses with perfectly manicured lawns, all owned by large, square owners who drove very clean cars similar to Uncle Vernon's.

Peter: Clean? I thought they were dirty by drought!

Remus: It means that they are usually as clean as Uncle Vernon's car.

James: Now they are just as dirty!

Harry preferred Little Whinging by night, when the curtained windows made patches of jewel-bright colour in the darkness

Remus: What a wonderful description of the city nights! They are so beautiful! But still I prefer the woodlands more!

James: No wonder why, Moony!

and he ran no danger of hearing disapproving mutters about his 'delinquent' appearance when he passed the householders.

James: HE IS NO DELINQUENT!

All except James,Narcissa and Snape: WE KNOW!

Narcissa/Snape: HE IS!

He walked quickly, so that halfway along Magnolia Road Dudley's gang came into view again;

James: He's quick! He must be a really good Quidditch player.

they were saying their farewells at the entrance of Magnolia Crescent. Harry stepped into the shadow of a large lilac tree and waited.

Sirius: Why wait, if you can take them on, even as a group?

'..squealed like a pig, didn't he?' Malcolm was saying, to guffaws from the others.

Snape: Who?

Peter: Some kid.

'Nice right hook, Big D,' said Piers.

James: Like Snivellus'nose!

Marauders: ::snigger::

'Same time tomorrow?' said Dudley.

Lily: Are ther any kids left in Little Whinging?

James: Probably, otherwise, they wouldn't be meeting, would they?

Lily: I guess not...

'Round at my place, my parents will be out,' said Gordon.

Lily: I don't like the name Gordon.

Alice: Neither do I... Sounds like the name of a sissy!

'See you then,' said Dudley.

'Bye, Dud!'

'See ya, Big D!'

Fred: Seems like Dudley is able to have a normal conversation. That's a new one!

Harry waited for the rest of the gang to move on before setting off again.

Remus: Smart move!

When their voices had faded once more he headed around the corner into Magnolia Crescent and by walking very quickly he soon came within hailing distance of Dudley,

Fred/George: All hail the mighty Dudders!

who was strolling along at his ease, humming tunelessly.

James; He can actually walk without support! A wonder!

'Hey, Big D!'

Dudley turned.

'Oh,' he grunted. 'It's you.'

Sirius: Who else? The Easter Bunny?

James: No, Santa Claus!

Peter: Father Christmas!

James: That actually is Santa Claus, Wormtail!

'How long have you been "Big D" then?' said Harry

'Shut it,' snarled Dudley, turning away.

Peter: Shut what?

Snape: Your big mouth!

'Cool name,' said Harry, grinning and falling into step beside his cousin. ' But you'll always be "Ickle Diddykins"

All: ::snigger::

to me.'

'I said, SHUT IT!' said Dudley, whose ham-like hands had curled into fists.

Snape: Like he'd listen! He is Potters son!

Remus: Don't provoke him, James!

James: I won't, Remus!

'Don't the boys know that's what your mum calls you?'

Sirius: No, or the would laugh in his face. Like we tend to do when we ever come to see you!

Fred: Some of you will see him face to face, but no one of you will laugh!

'Shut your face'

'You don't tell her to shut her face. What about "Popkin"

All: ::snigger::

and "Dinky Diddydums",

All: ::snigger::

can I use them then?'

James: Well, yeah! He's your cousin, you're allowed! ::grins evilly::

Dudley said nothing. The effort of keeping himself from hitting Harry seemed to demand all his self-control.

Sirius: So little self-control with that much fat. No good combo!

Lily: True, very true!

'So who've you been beating up tonight?' Harry asked, his grin fading. 'Another ten-year-old? I know you did Mark Evans two nights ago-'

James: A relative of yours, Evans?

Lily: Not that I know off?

Fred: Next time I see him, I'll ask Harry to ask it!

'He was asking for it,' snarled Dudley.

'Oh yeah?

Peter: Yeah!

'He cheeked me.'

James: No one can cheek you, "Popkin". The cheek is reality!

'Yeah? Did he say you look like a pig that's been taught to walk on its hind legs? 'Cause that's not cheek, Dud, that's true.'

Fred: You know, I think Harry told us, that Hagrid gave Dudley a pig's tail once!

Sirius: That must have been hilarious. I wish I could have been there!

George: You were in Azkaban, remember!

Sirius: :: sad face:: I forgot!

A muscle was twitching in Dudley's jaw. It gave Harry enormous satisfaction to know how furious he was making Dudley;

James: ::eyeing Snape:: I know a sort Dudley, although with quite another physique!

he felt as though he was siphoning off his own frustration into his cousin, the only outlet he had.

Remus: One needs that from time to time!

James: Me too,! Care to join, Snivellus?

They turned right down the narrow alleyway where Harry had first seen Sirius and which formed a short cut between Magnolia Crescent and Wisteria Walk.

Alice: Why does he wat to go to Wisteria Walk?

Lily: It probably is a quicker way home!

It was empty and much darker than the streets it linked because there were no street lamps.

All: SPOOKY!

::Nearly Headless Nick: floats through the room::

NHN: Did anyone call me?

All: No!

Their footsteps were muffled between garage walls on one side and a high fence on the other.

Alice: Alleyways are always dangerous at night. You never know what might be lurking there!

Lily: True, that's why I never go trough alleyways at night. I'm afraid to run into James...

James: Haha!

'Think you're a big man carrying that thin, don't you?' Dudley said after a few seconds.

'What thing?'

RemusL It's called a wand, and I find it very useful, thank you very much!

'That - that thing that you are hiding.'

Harry grinned again.

Peter: Hiding? They are not talking about his... penis are they?

Sirius: Wormtail, your PERVERT!

'Not as stupid as you look, are you, Dud? But I s'pose, if you were, you wouldn't be able to walk and talk at the same time.'

Peter: That IS kinda tricky you know!

James: Only for you, Peter!

Harry pulled out his wand, he saw Dudley look sideways at it.

'You're not allowed,' Dudley said at once. 'I know you're not. You'd get expelled from that freak school you go to.'

James: Have they changed the rules, so you can't use magic outside school?

Lily: I think so...

Sirius: And Hogwarts is no 'freak school'. It's the best school ever!

'How d'you know they haven't changed the rules, Big D?'

'They haven't,' said Dudley, though he didn't sound completely convinced.

Harry laughed softly.

James: They have!

'You haven't got the guts to take me on without that thing have you?' Dudley snarled.

Fred/George: Sure, he's quick enough for it!

'Whereas you just need four mates behind you before you can beat up a ten year old.

Snape: Can't even control a ten-year old! The imbicils! I'll show him!

You know that boxing title you keep banging on about? How old was your opponent? Seven? Eight?'

Fred: I'm betting on five!

'He was sixteen, for your information,' snarled Dudley, 'and he was out cold for twenty minutes after I'd finished with him and he was twice as heavy as you. You just wait till I tell Dad you had that thing out -'

Narcissa: He's a bit of a coward, isn't he? Any child of mine, wouldn't be such a coward!

Fred/George: That's all you know!

'Running to Daddy now, are you? Is his ickle boxing champ frightened of nasty Harry's wand?'

Peter: I didn't know boxing champs wer ickle!

Sirius: They aren't. His dad just wants us to believe they are!

'Not this brave at night, are you?' sneered Dudley.

'This is night, Diddykins. That's what we call it when it goes all dark like this.'

Remus: That is the correct definition of night!

'I mean when you're in bed!' Dudley snarled.

James: ::as Harry:: I have never seen you there!

He had stopped walking. Harry stopped too, staring at his cousin.

From the little he could see of Dudley's large face, he was wearing a strange triumphant look.

Fred: Triumph? What has triumph go to do with it?

George: Beats me!

'What d'you mean, I'm not brave when I'm in bed?' said Harry, completely nonplussed.

Alice: I never knew guys discuss sex in such a way!

Men: We don't!

'What am I supposed to be frightened of, pillows or something?'

James: Good one, Harry!

'I hear you last night,' said Dudley breathlessly. 'Talking in your sleep. Moaning.'

Alice: Moan, I moan in my sleep sometimes. When I hhave a very pleasant dream or a very nasty one.

Sirius: That pleasure ones are about Frank than are they?

Alice ::blushes::

'What d'you mean?' Harry said again, but there was a cold, plunging sensation in his stomach. He had revisited the graveyard last night in his dreams.

Snape: Dive into the world called nightmare!

Sirius: Or daystallion!

Snape: Hahaha, very funn, Black!

Dudley gave a harsh bark

Sirius/Remus: ::bark::

Of laughter, then adopted a high-pitched whimpering voice.

'"Don't kill Cedric! Don't kill Cedric!" Who's Cedric - your boyfriend?'

Lily/James: My boy is gay?

Fred: No way! He has a crush on Cho. Or is it Luna now, George?

George: I guess it's Luna!

'I - you're lying,' said Harry automatically. But his mouth had gone dry. He knew Dudley wasn't lying - how else could he know about Cedric?

'"Dad! Help me, Dad! He's going to kill me, Dad! Boo hoo!"'

James: He's calling for me! Why don't I go to him...

'Shut up,' said Harry quietly. 'Shut up, Dudley, I'm warning you!'

Sirius: That warning will never hit home. Bloody coward that he is!

'"Come and help me, Dad! Mum, come and help me! He's killed Cedric! Dad, help me! He's going to -" Don't point that thing at me!'

Lily: He's asking for us! Why aren't we there?

Mysterious voice: you find out in the next chapter!

Dudley backed into the alley wall. Harry was pointing the wand directly at Dudley's heart.

Sirius: Hit him with full force!

Lily: No, don't do it!

Harry could feel fourteen years' hatred of Dudley pounding in his veins -

Sirius: Ok, that I can relate to. Stupid brother of mine...

Narcissa: Regulus is not stupid. He's just a sweetheart!

Sirius: Yeah, right! Then I am Martin Miggs!

what wouldn't he give to strike now, to jinx Dudley, so thoroughly he'd have to crawl home like and insect, struck dumb, sprouting feelers...

George grabs a piece of parchment.

Fred: ::writing:: jinx something to make someone look like an insect with feelers and all...

George: :: explaining:: We own a joke shop!

'Don't ever talk about that again,' Harry snarled. 'D'you understand me?'

'Point that thing somewhere else!'

James/Sirius: No!

'I said, do you understand me?'

'Point it somewhere else!'

Sirius: No, you deserve it!

James: He seems to have lost his ears!

Sirius: Ans his mind!

'DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?'

'GET THAT THING AWAY FROM -'

Sirius: What afraid of saying the word ME?

James: I guess he is! Strange angst though!

Dudley gave an odd, shuddering gasp, as though he had been doused in icy water.

Something had happened to the night.

All: What?

Remus: Dudley turned out to be a werewolf?

Sirius: You wish...

James: ::whispering to Remus:: But by all means... bite him!

The star-strewn indigo sky was suddenly pitch black and lightless - the stars, the moon, the misty street lamps are either of the alley had vanished.

James: Vanishing lights? Dumbledore must be close by. He has a device that can do that!

Peter: Cool!

The distant rumble of cars and the whisper of trees had gone. The balmy evening was suddenly piercingly, bitingly cold.

Narcissa: When does ot start to rain. I want moist for my skin!

::rainclouds appear above Narcissa and start pouring rain::

Narcissa: No, not now! Just when the drought comes!

::rain stops::

Narcissa: It has ruined my hair!

They were surrounded by total, impenetrable, silent darkness as though some giant hand had dropped a thick, icy mantle over the entire alleyway, blinding them.

Sirius: That can only mean one thing. Dementors.

James: No really? I wouldn't have guessed!

For a split second Harry thought he had done magic without meaning to,

James: "Nah, you're too young for that. And onle very few grown wizards can do that!

despite the fact he'd been resisting as hard as he could

Lily: Indeed, not even when your magic goes out of control!

James: Evans, agrees with me, for a chance!

- then his reason caught up with his senses - he didn't have the power to turn off the stars.

Remus: finally he comes to his sensses.

Lily: Don't insult my son, Remus. He gets insulted enough already!

He turned his head this way and that, trying to see something, but the darkness pressed on his eyes like a weightless veil.

Lily: Oh, Harry, you can't Don't try, just listen...

Dudley's terrified voice broke in Harry's ear.

'W-what are you d-doing? St-stop it!'

James: He's not doing it!

'I'm not doing anything! Shut up and don't move!'

'I c-can't see! I've g-gone blind! I -'

James: Good for you!

Lily: That is not a very nice thing to say about your nephew!

'I said shut up!'

Peter: I won't!

Sirius: You will!

Harry stood still, turning his sightless eyes left and right.

Remus: It's no use, is it Harry?

The cold was so intense he was shivering all over;

Sirius: The big lumo, could share some fat could he? He's large enough by the sounds of it!

George: Yes, he is!

Fred: ::writing:: new trick: fat sharing...

goose bumps had erupted up his arms and the hairs on the back of his neck were standing up -

Peter: I didn't know goose bumps could erupt like volcanoes!

James; magical ones can, shall I demonstrate on Snivellus?

Fred: ::writing:: new trick: erupting goose bumps...

Snape/Lily: NO!

Rest: YES!

he opened his eyes to their fullest extent, staring blankly around, unseeing.

Lily: Blankerty black.

James: Huh?

Lily: I got it from a Muggle TV-show!

It was impossible... they couldn't be here... not in Little whinging... he strained his ears... he would hear them before he saw them...

Alice: Indeed, what is a Dementor doing in Little Whinging?

'I'll t-tell Dad!!' Dudley whimpered.

Why tell the sausage guy? So Harry can finally eats his uncles fingers?

'W-where are you? What are you d-do-?

James: I'm right here!

George: Peek-a-boo! We are here two!

'Will you shut up?' Harry hissed, 'I'm trying to lis-'

Sirius: He will not shut up. He's too stupid for that.. ::looks at Peter::

But he fell silent. He had heard just the thing he had been dreading.

James: Never dread anything, my boy!

Remus: Trust the power within you!

Peter: Use the Force!

There was something in the alleyway apart from themselves, something that was drawing long, hoarse rattling breaths.

Remus: A Dementor!

Harry felt a horrible jolt of dread as he stood trembling in the freezing air.

Peter: They can smell dread!

'C-cut it out! Stop doing it! I'll h-hit you, I swear I will!'

Remus: He means it!

Lily: I'm afraid so!

'Dudley, shut-'

Sirius: It's hopeless, boy! He won't stop. He's loving it too damn much!

WHAM

All: HEY! WATCH OUT!

A fist made contact with the side of Harry's head, lifting him off his feet.

James: ::to his fellow Marauders:: You have my blessing to bite him Moony!

Sirius: Mine too!

Small white lights popped in front of his eyes. For the second time in an hour Harry felt as though his head had been cleaved in two;

Lily: Hmmm... the same for both Muggles and wizards... seeing stars when hit on the head.

James: How dd'you know?

Lily: As if, I'd tell you!

Remus: Muggles Studies! And I'm glad they are just stars and not moons!

next moment, he had landed hard on the ground and his wand had flown out of his hand.

Lily: I'll jinx him!

'You moron, Dudley!' Harry yelled,

Sirius: No need, Evans! Harry is doing fine on his own!

his eyes watering with pain as he scrambled to his hands and knees, feeling around frantically in the blackness.

Fred: has he lost his glasses too?

James: Don't tell me he inherited my eyesight!

George: We won't tell you then! Everybody except James... he has inherited James'eyesight!

He heard Dudley blundering away, hitting the alley fence, stumbling.

RemusL Making noise is a clever thing, but not around Dementors!

Sirius: Couldn't agree with you more, Moony!

'DUDLEY, COME BACK! YOU'RE RUNNING RIGHT AT IT!'

There was a horrible squealing yell and Dudley's footsteps stopped.

Alice: Sounds like the Dementor found him, or he found the Dementor

At the same moment, Harry felt a creeping chill behind him that could mean only one thing.

Alice: Two of them!

Peter: A whole army of Dementors!

There was more than one.

Snape: As if we hadn'r deducted that already!

'DUDLEY, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! WHATEVER YOU DO. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Wand!' Harry muttered frantically.

Remus: Good advice! I just don't think he'll tke it!

Lily: My nephew doesn't have a clue what he gets himself into!

His hands flying over the ground like spiders. 'Where's - wand - come on -lumos!'

Narcissa: It will not bring you light, boy! It will get you suspended!

He said the spell automatically, desperate for light to help him in his search

SnapeL It won't help you!

- and to his disbelieving relief, light flared inches from his right hand - the wand tip had ignited.

James: Wow! Wandless magic! That is really hard! When you're young you can do it, but uncontrollable. Harry can do it with control. Must be a very powerful wizard, our boy, Lily. With a very powerful wand!

Harry snatched it up, scrambled to his feet and turned around.

Snape: Did you really think he'd just let it lie there?

Peter: Yes!

Snape: It was a rethorical question, you idiot!

His stomach turned over.

Narcissa: Where is the bucket?

A towering, hooded figure was gliding smoothly towards him,

Peter: Really? I thought Dementors walked!

Remus: You may actually get your OWLS if you keep reading this, WormtaiL!

hovering over the ground, no feet or face visible beneath its robes, sucking on the night as it came.

Narcissa: ::singing:: Night is my lollypop! Lolly... lolly...lollypop!

Stumbling backwards Harry raised his wand.

'Expecto patronum!'

Narcissa: It won't work! He's only fifteen! You can't do a Patronus at the age of fifteen!

A silvery wisp of vapour shot from the tip of the wand and the Dementor slowed,

Fred/George: You can do better, Harry!

Narcissa: I told you he couldn't do it!

but the spell hadn't worked properly; tripping over his own feet, Harry retreated further as the Dementor bore down upon him, panic fogging his brain

Mysterious voice: Fog is not good for once concentration!

- concentrate -

Narcissa: He will try again! The fool!

A pair of grey, slimy, scabbed hands slid from inside the Dementor's robes, reaching for him. A rushing noise filled Harry's ears.

'Expecto patronum!'

Narcissa: I will say it again: it won't work! He's only fifteen! You can't do a Patronus at the age of fifteen!

His voice sounded dim and distant. Another wisp of silver smoke, feebler than the last, drifted from the wand - he couldn't do it any more, he couldn't work the spell.

Narcissa: I - TOLD - YOU - SO!

Rest: SHUT - UP - NARCISSA!

There was laughter inside his own head, shrill, high-pitched laughter...

Peter: No one laughs shrill and high-pitched!

Fred: According to Harry, You-Know-Who does!

he could smell the Dementor's putrid, death-cold breath filling his own lungs, drowning him

Lily: Stay afloat! Don't make him drown you in that laughter!

- think... something happy...

James: I hope he can find some happy thoughts!

But there was no happiness in him...

All except Snape: ::cry::

Snape: If he wouldn't be able to find one, the book would have ende here, and we'd be allowed out!

James: Don't spoil all the fun, Snivellus!

the Dementor's icy fingers were closing on his throat

Narcissa: ::singing:: Ice, ice, baby! Lolly...lolly...lollypop!

::an arm appears out of thin air and zaps Narcissa::

Mysterious voice: Finally she stops singing. She made my head ache.

***

Suddenly there a wall is lit in the Room of Requirement. It read 'Wall of Shame' Below it stood Narcissa. The last name wasn't lit yet.

Narcissa: Why does the stupid thing doesn't light up my last name too?

Remus: You must be married...

James: Someone wants to marry that?

Sirius: Surely seems like it...

Narcissa: But I don't want to get married...

Sirius: Not even when he pays a huge compliment to your looks and good heritage?

Narcissa: Shut up, cousin! Read on, Alice!

- the high-pitched laughter was growing, louder and louder, and a voice spoke inside his head:

Peter: How loud?

Sirius: THIS LOUD?

James: And what does a voice inside his head anyway?

Alice: He's reliving his worst memories...

George: Hey, he's got a new worst memory!

Fred: At least this one, is a bit better than the old one. The old one had something positive about it....

'Bow to death, Harry... it might even be painless... I would not know... I have never died...'

James: Neither do we, but you'll do the bowing!

He was never going to see Ron and Hermione again -

George: He thinks about his friends...

And their faces burst clearly into his mind as he fought for breath.

Snape: You can't say anything when you have no breath...

'EXPECTO PATRONUM!'

Narcissa: He'll never...

Rest: We already heard it!

An enormous silver stag erupted from the tip of Harry's wand;

James: A stag... his Patronus is a stag.

James looked at his friends. And knew they thought we he thought.

Remus/Sirius/Wormtail: Wow!

Narcissa: How on earth can a fifteen-year old boy do that?

Fred: ::slaps Lupin on the back:: Professor Lupin here taught him when he was fourteen. The spell chased away hundred plus Dementors!

its antlers caught the Dementor in the place where the heart should have been;

James: I wish it had a heart. Then it would be speared upon the antlers!

it was thrown backwards, weightless as darkness,

Peter: I thought he couldn't see...

Snape: The wand, pea brain!

Peter: Oh, yeah... I forgot.

George: You will forget more than just this...

Fred: And he doesn't even need a Memory Charm for it!

as the stag charged, the Dementor swooped away, bat-like and defeated.

Remus: It charges twice? But it was effective anyway!

James: Why wouldn't it be effective? He's my son!

'THIS WAY!' Harry shouted at the stag.

Narcissa: It will not follow!

Wheeling around, he sprinted down the alleyway, holding the lit wand aloft. 'DUDLEY? DUDLEY!'

James: Why does he want to save the moron?

Lily: He'll be in trouble with his conscience if he didn't save him.

He had run barely a dozen steps when he reached him:

Snape: I wished he hadn't reached the stupid git... Death is so much more enjoyable to read about...

Dudley was curled up on the ground, his arms clamped over his face.

Snape: The lump, actually listened to a Potter!

A second Dementor was crouching low over him, gripping his wrists in its slimy hands,

Narcissa: Slime is not good. It's so down hard to get out of one's robes! Wash your hair Severus!

::Soapy rain clouds gather above Snape, and begin to pour::

Snape: Black, make it stop!

Sirius: I'm not doing it! And I agree, with whoever is doing it.

::soapy rain stops, local wind around Severus starts to blow::

Snape: Then it must be Potter! Potter, make it stop!

James: I'm not doing it!

::wind stops::

Mysterious voice: That is so much better!

Snape: ::grumble, grumble::

prising them slowly, almost lovingly apart,

Snape/Narcissa/Marauders: Dudley and Dementor sitting in a tree! K.I.S.S.I.N.G!

Lily: That's not funny. You're talking about my nephew!

lowering its hooded head towards Dudley's face as though about to kiss him.

Sirius: He deserves it!

James: I wish I knew what the Dementors made him think of...

George: Probably the pigtail

Fred: Or his four foot long tongue

George: Indeed, Ton-Tongue Toffee!

Fred: Anyone want one?

Sirius: Sure, I can give one to that stupid cat, Mrs. Norris!

Lily: Mrs. Norris is very nice!

James: Not to us...

Lily: That's because you aren't following the rules most of the time, when you meet her!

'GET IT!' Harry bellowed,

Lily: He's angry...

Sirius: No, just worried his aunt and uncle will kill him when he comes home, with a soulless Dudley...

Snape: He can just leave him there...

Alice: Muggles say that they are in coma, when they find them...

and with a rushing, roaring sound,

Sirius: The wind had suddenly arisen!

Lily: I think it's the Patronus... But why is his Patronus a stag?

::Lily eyes James::

::James laughs sheepily::

the silver stag he had conjured came galloping past him.

Narcissa: It actually followed him! The humiliation!

The Dementor's eyeless face was barely an inch from Dudley's when the silver antlers caught it;

Lily: Thank God. Our son is at least noble enough to save his cousin!

James: I'll save people even if I can't stand them!

Lily: I don't believe it!

Fred: Better do, Lily! He'll save Snivellus' life at least once!

Snape: I don't want to be saved. And certainly not by him, or the Mudblood!

the thing was thrown up into the air and like its fellow,

Peter: It's fellow?

Snape: The other Dementor. Don't you know anything?

Sirius: He knows about food, and about what is profitable to himself!

it soared away and was absorbed into the darkness;

All: Both are gone! YIPPIE!

the stag cantered to the end of the alleyway and dissolved into silver mist.

James: I like the stag. He should have stayed longer!

Sirius: I get were your coming from, Prongs!

James: Ssst!

Fred/George: We know!

Moon, starts and street lamps burst back into life.

Remus: I don't like the moon!

Snape: Why?

Remus: I'm obviously not going to tell you!

A warm breeze swept the alleyway.

Sirius: See, the wind really has arisen!

James: Are you sure, you don't take Divination?

Sirius: Maybe, I do, but I usually skive of Divination...

Trees rustled in neighbouring gardens and the mundane rumble of cars in Magnolia Crescent filled the air again.

Lily: ::singing:: It's all coming back to me now.

James: ::glazy look in his eyes:: You have such a beautiful voice, Evans!

Rest: ::snigger::

Harry stood quite still, all his senses vibrating, taking in the abrupt return to normality.

Sirius: That's normal!

Peter: Ever dealt with Dementors, Padfoot?

Sirius: No, Dad has though!

After a moment, he became aware that his T-shirt was sticking to him; he was drenched in sweat.

Lily: No wonder. The effort and the fact the one minute it was bitter cold and the next it was sweltering hot!

He could not believe what had just happened. Dementors here, in Little Whinging.

Lily: That you don't believe it, doesn't mean it hasn't happened!

Dudley lay curled up on the ground, whimpering and shaking.

Sirius: That suits him, the coward!

Harry bent down to see whether he was in a fit state to stand up,

Lily: Is he alrgiht?

James: Why?

Lily: He IS my nephew!

but then he heard loud, running footsteps behind him.

Fred/George: Who?

Peter: Uncle Vernon?

Sirius: Aunt Petunia?

James: Mrs. Figg?

Instinctively raising his wand again, he span on his heel to face the newcomer.

Instinct is a good thing... sometimes!

Mrs. Figg,

James: I won!

their batty old neighbour came panting into sight.

Peter: Running is the stupidest thing there is, I hate it...

George: How about running for your life? Any good in that?

Peter: No!

Fred: The better, then truth can come out much quicker!

Her grizzled grey hair was escaping from its hairnet, a clanking string shopping bag

Alice: What's in the shopping bag?

Fred: Let me guess! Cat food!

was swinging from her wrist and her feet were halfway out of her tartan carpet slippers.

Snape: Fall, you old Squib!

Lily: Severus, that's not nice!

Snape: I ain't nice!

Harry made to stow his wand hurriedly out of sight, but -

Sirius: Someone prevented it?

'Don't put it away, idiot boy!' she shrieked. 'What if there are more of them around? Oh, I'm going to kill Mundungus Fletcher!

Fred: I wondered where Dung would come into the picture!

George: And I guess he still doesn't know she's a Squib at this point!

Mysterious voice: Here you go all. A nice tray of sandwiches. When they are gone, I'll send you some Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans for the next chapter!