MST and The Order of the Phoenix

MST and the Order of the Phoenix

Chapter two: A Peck of Owls, part one

Mysterious voice: Here are the sacks of Bertie Bott's every flavour beans. And start reading in the next chapter. Maybe You'll even get a new companion!

Peter: Can I go to the bathroom?

::a chemical toilet appears::

Mysterious voice: That's all I can do for now!

Peter: ::runs hastily to the toilet::

James: Whose turn is it to read?

Alice: I guess Lily's!

- CHAPTER TWO - A Peck of Owls

Peter: ::from inside the toilet:: Isn't it a pack of owls?

Lily: Yeah, but I guess the author put it there on purpose!

Peter: Why would she?

Sirius: How do you know it's a she?

Peter: It says so on the back!

Mysterious voice: The author of the book is Joanne Kathleen Rowling, a Muggle writer.

'What?' said Harry blankly.

Peter: ::from inside the toilet:: See, he doesn't get it either.

Remus: No, Wormtail! It's still about that Mundungus Fletcher.

Sirius: Yeah, Mrs. Figg wants to kill him!

Snape: I hope she succeeds!

Lily: Severus... :: shifting more towards James::

'He left!' said Mrs. Figg, wringing her hands.

Sirius: So what? I leave all the time...

Mysterious voice: That's been one of your problems... leaving.

'Left to see someone about a batch of stolen cauldrons

Snape: I see, this Mundungus is a crook!

Fred: The one and only!

George: And he's a great supplier for our joke shop!

Fred: Too bad, we aren't born yet, otherwise we could sell some stuff to them...

that fell off the back of a broom!

Lily: That's easy! Brooms

I told him I'd flay him alive if he went, and now look!

Snape: Kill and attack! Kill and attack!

James: She won't listen. She never does!

Dementors! It's just lucky I put Mr. Tibbles on the case!

Peter: ::coming out of the toilet:: Who's Mr. Tibbles?

James: I'd guess her cat

Alice: The one that streaked away from under the car...

Remus: Probably!

James: Yeah, who knows? A toilet seat may hit you on the head!

Sirius: Good idea, James ::eyeing Snape::

Oh, the trouble this is going to cause! I will kill him!'

Peter: Who?

Fred/George: Dung!

Peter: Dung? Why does she want to kill her poo?

Remus: It's a person, Wormtail!

Peter: How was I supposed to know?

Snape; You should listen more often to the story!

Mysterious voice: That is if he can listen.

'But-' The revelations that this batty old cat-obsessed neighbour knew what Dementors were

Peter: Everyone knows!

Lily: Muggles don't!

Snape: That aren't people!

Mysterious voice: THEY ARE!

was almost as big a shock to Harry as meeting two of them down the alleyway.

James: No wonder!

'You're - you're a witch?'

James: Nah, she's a Squib!

Sirius: Lets see!

'I'm a Squib, as Mundungus knows full well,

James: I told you so!

so how on earth was I supposed to help you fight off Dementors?

James: Click your fingers and help appears.

Sirius: ::clicks his fingers::

:: the word HELP is instantly spelled in the air::

He left you completely without cover when I'd warned him -'

'This Mundungus has been following me?

James: Following? Should I say stalking? Stalking is a better word for it!

Hang on - it was him! He Disapparated from the front of my house!'

Fred: Who else? We perhaps?

George: No way! We're way to busy inventing and decontaminating!

'Yes, yes, yes, but luckily I'd stationed Mr. Tibbles under a car just in case,

Peter: Mr. Who?

James: That's the cat.

Alice/Remus: I'm right.

and Mr. Tibbles came and warned me, but by the time I got to your house you'd gone

James: I didn't know that? Do all Squibs have the ability to talk to cats?

Fred: Don't know. Perhaps!

George: harry can talk to animals too!

Lily: What kind of animals?

Fred/George: Snakes!

Snape: A Potter is a parseltongue? Well, maybe Potter here has some Slytherin blood after all...

- and now - oh, what's Dumbledore going to say?

Sirius: ::as Dumbledore:: Harry, you've done what you had to do!

James: ::as Harry:: But I did nothing special...

Sirius: ::as Dumbledore:: But, you are in trouble!

You!' she shrieked at Dudley, still supine on the alley floor. 'Get your fat bottom off the ground, quick!'

Peter: Fat! Can I eat the fat?

Sirius: Sure! If you want to look like that!

Mysterious voice: Here Peter! A special fatty ...er... drink for you...

Peter:Thanks! ::gulps the goblet down in one::

::Peter starts to change::

Peter: What's happening to me?

Lily: ::conjures a handmiror:: See for yourself!

Peter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sirius: Does he look like that Dudley now?

Mysterious voice: Yes! But don't worry it wears of in a hour or so!

Snape: I thought I recognised that potion! And it's side-effects...

Narcissa: Ever used it, Severus?

Snape: I'm not going to tell that! It will be used against me!'

Mysterious voice: Indeed it will. Knowing James, Sirius, Fred and George.

'You know Dumbledore?' said Harry, staring at her.

James: Who doesn't!

Remus/Alice/Lily: MUGGLES!

James: What? I was just predicting what she'd say!

'Of course I know Dumbledore, who doesn't know Dumbledore?

Remus/Alice/Lily: MUGGLES!

Narcissa/Snape: ::shiver::

But come on - I'll be no help if they come back, I've never so much as Transfigured a teabag.'

Fred: Did you Transfigure a Teaspoon then?

Sirius: I guess not!

She stooped down, seized one of Dudley's massive arms in her wizened hands and tugged.

James: You're not strong enough. You old hag....

Lily: She probably isn't a hag when you get to know her!

James: I don't want to get to know her!

Lily: That's not a very nice thing to say James.

'Get up, you useless lump, get up!'

Sirius: He won't, since he's a useless lump. And useless lumps don't have limbs!

Snape: How can snakes get up then. They have no limbs?

Sirius: They have one...

James: There whole body is a limb. A snake is a limb.

But Dudley either could not or would not move.

Sirius: I go for could not.

Snape: I for would not.

Sirius: Could!

Snape: Would!

Fred: Should!

He remained on the ground, trembling and ashen-faced, his mouth shut very tight.

Snape: He actually did what a Potter told him? He must be really stupid then!

James: HEY!

Lily: I agree with James, for now!

'I'll do it.' Harry took hold of Dudley's arm and heaved.

Sirius: That must hurt.

James: I bet! I don't think I can heave Peter at the moment. Mainly because he has Dudley's looks and weight at the moment.

With an enormous effort he managed to hoist him to his feet.

James: Strong kid, but how couldn't he be? He is my son!

Snape: ::snigger::

Dudley seemed to be on the point of fainting.

::matrass appears under Peter::

Peter: Why?

Fred: Because you look like 'Diddy Diddidums'!

His small eyes were rolling in their sockets and sweat was beading in his face;

James: Try to look like that, Peter!

Peter: ::tries::

Sirius: Fantastic!

the moment Harry let go of him he swayed dangerously.

Remus: Sway!

James: Left!

Sirius: Right!

James: Left!

Sirius: Right!

James: Left!

Sirius: Right!

James: Left!

Sirius: Right!

James: Left!

Sirius: Right!

James: Left!

Sirius: Right!

James: Left!

Sirius: Right!

James: Left!

Sirius: Right!

Lily: Silencio!

'Hurry up!' said Mrs. Figg hysterically.

Remus: Finite!

Sirius: Hurry, Harry!

Harry pulled one of Dudley's massive arms around his own shoulders and dragged him toward the road, sagging slightly under the weight.

James: Isn't there a spell to make him lighter?

Remus: Yeah, but Harry may not use them. He's not allowed to use magic.

James: I forgot about that!

Mrs. Figg tottered along in front of them, peering anxiously around the corner.

Narcissa: ::sings:: la la la la la la la la la!

Sirius; You think she's happy?

Narcissa: Sure! I am! ::continues singing:: la la la la la la la la la!

'Keep your wand out,' she told Harry, as they entered Wisteria Walk.

Alice: Is he blind?

Fred: No, but he has James' eyesight.

James: ::puts his hands over his ears:: I don't want to hear this!

'Never mind the Statute of Secrecy now,

Peter: The what?

Lily: It means you may not do magic in front of Muggles!

Snape: Stupid law!

there's going to be hell to pay anyway, we might as well be hanged for a dragon as an egg.

Peter: ::looking fearful:: You can't pay hell, can you?

Mysterious voice: You can! You're doing it! Or else I will make you!

Talk about the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery...

James: They call that Reasonable? I don't think so!

Snape: I think it's reasonable enough. It should be for every Potter!

James: You must be so happy that Lily is here, or else...

Snape: Or else what?

Lily: ::glares at James::

James: Never mind... but I'm sure you can think of something. Besides I don't have to do it. The Mysterious voice will do it for me...

Lily: ::glares up::

Mysterious voice: Not always. Just when I feel like it. And that isn't now. Read on!

this was exactly what Dumbledore was afraid of -

James: Dumbledore? Afraid? Don't make me laugh!

Mysterius voice: Rictussempra!

James: ::between laughs:: Stop it, that tickles!

Lily: Finite!

Snape: Mental note to self: Potter is ticklish!
Mysterious voice: Obliviate!

Snape: ::pops up in a bunny outfit:: Happy Easter!

::Snape goes back to normal::

What's that at the end of the street?

Sirius: Uncle Vernon's ass?

Narcissa: Don't be so gross cousin! Why does it have to be a Muggle ass?

Sirius: Just because!

Snape: That's just sick, Black!

Oh, it's just Mr. Prentice...

Peter: Mr. Who? Another cat?

James: I think it's a neighbour.

don't put your wand away, boy, don't I keep telling you I'm no use?'

James: Thank Merlin for that!

Lily: Even if it gets your son into trouble?

James: Er.....

It was not easy to hold a wand steady and haul Dudley along at the same time.

James: ::looking at Peter:: I can only imagine...

Harry gave his cousin an impatient dig in the ribs,

Fred: and another please Harry, do it for us!

Lily: He's my son, he shouldn't do this sort of thing.

James: It's not my fault he takes after his dad...

Alice: You can, since you ARE his dad!

but Dudley seemed to have lost all desire for independent movement.

Sirius: My bowel has that sometimes. Mrs. Pomfrey has an excellent cure for it.

Peter: ::looking sick:: Dudley is your bowel?

Sirius: No, but thanks for the idea. For now on I'll call my bowel Dudley!

He was slumped on Harry's shoulder, his large feet dragging along the ground.

Sirius: It won't hurt much. He's unconscious. He'll only know later.

Lily: That matters too, Sirius!

Sirius: Not when it's Dudley!

Peter: Your bowel?

Sirius: No, the boy... or Snape here for that matter!

Snape: I'm not unconscious!

Sirius: But that doesn't matter. I'll do that to you anytime you let me!

Snape: That means never.

Sirius: Than I'll play another trick on you.

Snape: I'm not that naïve!

Fred/George: You are!

James: Really?

Fred: Yeah sure! And he'll hate the two of you even more for it!

Snape/James/Sirius: What? Where? I want to know!

Fred: We heard about it in Harry's first year.

George: We were only innocent third years then...

Mysterious voice: ::snort::

Fred: More innocent than we are now?

Mysterious voice: That's better. But you two are not going to tell them.

Fred: Why not?

Mysterious voice: That's another book. If you all wish we can do that one next!

All: NO!

Snape: This book is long enough as it is!

'Why didn't you tell me you're a Squib, Mrs. Figg?'

Alice: Orders, my boy, orders.

Peter: What kind of orders?

Narcissa: Shipping orders?

Remus: No, more like orders what she has to do.

Lily: I think you're right Remus!

asked Harry, panting with the effort to keep walking.

Sirius: ::in Alice's ear:: ::pant:: ::pant:: ::pant:: ::pant:: ::pant::

Alice: Shut up, Sirius! I want to hear the story!

'All those times I came round your house - why didn't you say anything?'

Sirius: ::adopting a female voice:: I was unable to speak.

James: Nah, she talks way too much. She must have been ordered.

Peter: By whom?

'Dumbledore's orders.

Fred/George: Who else! There is no one as powerful as Dumbledore!

Fred: Well, maybe You-Know-Who!

George: Well, maybe Harry!

I was to keep an eye on you

::eye appears in the ceiling of the room::

Mysterious voice: Big brother is watching you.

::a hand appears pointing at the eye::

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Mysterious voice: Too bad, the charm works off in a little while!

but not to say anything, you were too young.

James: Too young, my ass! He's never too young to know anything!

Lily: Amen!

I'm sorry I gave you such a miserable time, Harry,

James: Apology accepted.

but the Dursleys would never have let you come if they'd thought you enjoyed it.

Lily: Knowing Petunia... that would be correct.

James: I start to dislike your sister more every second and I haven't even met her yet.

Lily: Join the club!

It wasn't easy, you know...

Peter: What?
James: Pretending that you don't like Harry!

Snape: I think it's dead easy!

Fred: Sure, you do it!

but oh my word,' she said tragically, wringing her hands once more,

Fred: Want to strangle Dung, Mrs. Figg?

George: Dumbledore too! At least in a moment!

'when Dumbledore hears about this -

George: He'll be enraged.

James: It's a nice prank though!

how could Mundungus have left,

Fred: He's a crook.

George: Dumbledore thinks otherwise.

Fred: Well, mum doesn't!

George: But he's good for getting cheap stuff for our joke shop!

he was supposed to be on duty until midnight - where is he?

Fred/George: In a pub!

::Polyjuice Potion starts wearing off::

How am I going to tell Dumbledore what's happened? I can't Apparate.'

James: Can Harry?

Remus: He's fifteen James! He can't!

James: But he could do the Patronus Charm!

Fred: Only after training with Lupin...

'I've got an owl, you can borrow her.' Harry groaned,

Lily: An owl! What kind of owl?

Fred: A snowy one...

George: called Hedwig.

Fred: He got her from hagrid as a birthday present when he turned eleven!

Lily: I like owls. And I like the name he sought out for her.

wondering whether his spine was going to snap under Dudley's weight.

Remus:You're a wizard. Wizarding spines don't snap that easy!

Snape: And how would you know that?

Remus: Er...

'Harry, you don't understand!

Sirius: He does understand. you just don't want him too!

Dumbledore will need to act as soon as possible,

Alice: Act as though the world depends on it!

Fred: It does!

George: Somehow!

Fred: Funny enough!

Snape: My worst nightmare: the fate of the whole world depends upon a Potter!

the Ministry have their own ways of detecting underage magic,

James: I know. My aunt was the Minister for Magic.

Snape: So that is why you get away with everything!

they'll know already, you mark my words.'

Lily: ::conjures a text marker:: ::marks the text yellow::

James: Why...?

Lily: She told us to do so. Mark my words she said...

'But I was getting rid of Dementors, I had to use magic -

Remus: True. You have to use magic for them to go away

they're going to be more worried about what Dementors were doing floating around Wisteria Walk, surely?'

Fred/George: No, the ministry is blind. It can't detect Dementors!

'Oh, my dear, I wish it were so, but I'm afraid - MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!'

James: And who are you going to bring with you for that?

Fred: Dumbledore!

There was a loud crack

::CRACK::

Peter: Who's there?

Sirius: I don't know!

and a strong smell of drink mingled with stale tobacco filled the air

::A strong smell of drink mingled with stale tobacco penetrates the room::

Alice/Lily/Narcissa: Ewwww!

as a squat, unshaven man in a tattered overcoat materialised right in front of them.

Snape: Being a crook, must pay very badly nowadays!

He had short, bandy legs, long straggly ginger hair

Fred: That reminds me of an animal.

George: Could Dung be an unregistered animagus?

Fred: Could he be Crookshanks?

and bloodshot, baggy eyes that gave him the doleful look of a basset hound.

George: Nah, no Crookshanks. That tiger hasn't got a 'doleful' look.

Fred: And why would he dress up as a witch in a veil than, to spy on us if Hermione could have brought Crookshanks with her?

James: Who is Crookshanks?

Fred: The cat of my youngest brothers girlfriend!

He was also clutching a silvery bundle that Harry recognised as an Invisibility Cloak.

Narcissa: He recognises an Invisibility Cloak? Does he own one?

Fred/George: ::nod::

James: ::mouthing:: mine?

Fred/George: ::nod::

''S'up, Figgy?' he said, staring from Mrs. Figg to Harry and Dudley.

Peter: Sup? Does he mean supper?

Lily: No! 'S' up stands for 'What's up?'

'What 'appened to staying undercover?'

Lily: ::singing:: I'm going undercover. I'm going to be your lover

James: Thanks for admitting it honey!

Lily: It's just a song I heard on the radio once.

'I'll give you undercover!' cried Mrs. Figg. 'Dementors, you useless, skiving sneak thief!'

Alice: She doesn't like him very much does she?

'Dementors?' repeated Mundungus, aghast. 'Dementors, 'ere?'

Snape: Yeah stupid!

Peter: Hey!

Sirius: He doesn't mean you, Wormtail! But he could have!

'Yes, here, you worthless pile of bat droppings, here!'

Sirius: Guano! Cissa, your beauty cream has arrived!

::daycream appears::

Narcissa: ::reads:: NEW FORMULA

Narcissa: ::puts it on::

Sirius: You like it Cissa? It's made out of bat droppings!

Narcissa: Need water! Need water!

Mysterious voice: I leave it on for a few minutes or hours...

shrieked Mrs. Figg. 'Dementors attacking the boy on your watch!'

Lily/Alice: Uh-oh

'Blimey,' said Mundungus weakly, looking from Mrs. Figg to Harry, and back again. 'Blimey, I -'

Lily: Doesn't he know any other words than 'Blimey'?

Fred: Not really!

'And you off buying stolen cauldrons! Didn't I tell you not to go? Didn't I?'

Fred: Must be shallow bottomed!

George: ::snigger::

'I - well, I -' Mundungus looked deeply uncomfortable. 'It - it was a very good business opportunity, see -'

Fred: Ah, business as usual! Fencing!

Mrs. Figg raised the arm from which her string bag dangled

::bangle::

and whacked Mundungus around the face and neck with it;

James: Good for you!

Peter: Does she hit him with the arm or the string bag?

James: Both, I guess?

judging by the clanking noise it made it was full of cat food.

ALL: Ouch!

Alice: Why did she had that bag with her?

James: She probably grabbed the first thing she could lay her hands on!

'Ouch - gerroff - gerrof, you mad old bat! Someone's gotta tell Dumbledore!'

Sirius: She? She can't!

James: She'll stop if you Disapparate!

'Yes - they - have!' yelled Mrs. Figg, swinging the bag of cat food at every bit of Mundungus she could reach.

Sirius/James/Snape: Please continue!

Lily: No, James!

James: What? He got Harry in trouble!

Remus: This is a first. I never thought I'd see the day that Sirius and James would agree with Snape.

'And - it - had - better - be - you - and -you - can - tell - him - why - you - weren't - there - to - help!'

James: Nasty temper she has developed, eh!

Sirius: Wouldn't know. Never met her.

'Keep your 'airneton!'said Mundungus, his arms over his head, cowering. I'm going, I'm going!'

Lily: Hmmm.. Persistance sometimes works!

James: I know!

And with another loud crack, he vanished.

::CRACK::

Peter: Who was that?

Fred/George: Dung!

Lily: Not here. You can't Apparate or Disapparate on the Hogwarts grounds!

George: Winky then! A house-elf. They can Apparate in Hogwarts according to Harry!

'I hope Dumbledore murders him!' said Mrs. Figg furiously.

Sirius: Me too!

Fred: He won't!

Snape: He's too noble for that!

'Now come on, Harry, what are you waiting for?'

James: Waiting for the burden to bear gets ligher?

Harry decided not to waste his remaining breath on pointing out that he could barely walk under

Dudley's bulk.

Fred: Indeed. It's no use. You can't do anything about the fact that he's not following his diet!

Remus: And she can't help either!

He gave the semi-conscious Dudley a heave and staggered onwards.

George: Why didn't he let Dung make 'Ickle Diddykins' lighter?

Remus: I guess it slipped his mind!

Fred: That must be hard when you're heaving that!

'I'll take you to the door,' said Mrs Figg, as they turned into Privet Drive.

Peter: What door? Which door? Yours or his?

Lily: His of course!

'Just in case there are any more of them around ...

All: You'd know.

Lily: The change of temperature.
Remus: The lack of noise

Sirius: The lack of light

James: Rattling breaths

Snape: Voices inside your head!

oh my word ... and Dumbledore said we were to keep you from doing magic at all costs

Fred: Well, Dung certainly thwarted him!

... well, it's no good crying over spilt potion, I suppose

Snape: ::cries:: I like potions!

James: Then take one!

... but the cat's among the pixies now.'

Lily: Cats don't like playing with pixies.

James: How d'you know?

Lily: I own a cat named Arthie!

'So,' Harry panted, 'Dumbledore's ... been having ... me followed?'

Snape: Yes, haven't you heard that enough?

Peter: NO!

'Of course he had,' said Mrs. Figg impatiently.

Peter: Why of course?

Fred: You could be in the neighbourhood!

'Did you expect him to let you wander around on your own after what happened in June?

Lily: What exactly happened in June?

Fred: Cedric Diggory died and You-Know-Who came back.

George: Tried to kill Harry... again!

James/Lily: WHAT? WHY?

Mysterious voice: Later! Fred and George don't even know!

Good Lord, boy, they told me you were intelligent ...

James/Lily: HE IS!

Snape: You don't know that!

Fred/George: HE IS!

right ... get inside and stay there,' she said as they reached number four.

Sirius: No, I want to run away! As if he'd do anything else!

Fred: ::grinning:: He wants to escape in a flying Ford Anglia via his bedroom window...

George: ::also grinning:: too bad that car turned wild in the Forbidden Forest!

'I expect someone will be in touch with you soon enough.'

Peter: Why?

Lily: He broke the law, remember!

Snape: He doesn't need a forgetfullness potion!

Fred: You do, sometimes!

'What are you going to do?' asked Harry quickly.

James: ::putting on a croaking old voice:: Home!

'I'm going straight home,' said Mrs. Figg, staring around the dark street and shuddering.

James: Where else would she go? The local pub?

Sirius: Cool, she might be secretly addicted to Firewhiskey!

Alice: I don't know. Away with Muggle means of transportation...

Sirius: ...to the nearest pub!

'I'll need to wait for more instructions. Just stay in the house. Goodnight.'

Sirius: Here are instructions. Buy a big tree and a rope. Hang Dudley and Peter with the rope from the tree...

Peter: HEY!

Sirius: He just looks so remarkably like you!

'Hang on, don't go yet! I want to know -'

Peter: How you became a Squib?

Snape: Where to buy that tree and that piece of rope?

James: Why his parents aren't there?

But Mrs. Figg had already set off a trot, carpet slippers flopping, string bag clanking.

Sirius: trot trot trot

James: flop flop flop

Remus: clank clank clank

Snape: You three are irritating!

Narcissa: Wow, Severus! Is that the first time you've ever noticed that?

'Wait!' Harry shouted after her.

James: She never waits! Give it up, son!

He had a million questions to ask anyone who was in contact with Dumbledore;

Lily: Why he was stuck in Privet Drive? Where everybody else was? Who's this Mundungus?

James: Predicting too, Lily?

Lily: Yes, dear!

but within seconds Mrs. Figg was swalllowed by the darkness.

Peter: Is she eaten alive?

James: I wish she was!

Fred: No, she's maybe the only way for him to avoid punishment!

Remus: It's just an expression, Peter!

Scowling, Harry readjusted Dudley on his shoulder

Narcissa: Can you scowl a bit, Severus?

Severus: No! ::scowls::

and made his slow, painful way up number four's garden path.

Alice: What happened to taking Harry to the door?

The hall light was on.

Alice: The wonders of Muggle technology.

Lily: ...or did Harry turn it on magically?

Remus: If he did, he'd be in more trouble!

Harry stuck his wand back inside the waistband of his jeans,

James: And risk losing necessary equipment? No thanks!

rang the bell and watched Aunt Petunia's outline grow larger and larger,

Peter: HELP!

Narcissa: HELP! is right!

oddly distorted by the rippling glass in the front door.

Fred: She's already distorded, so a little more shouldn't matter!

'Diddy! About time too, I was getting quite - quite -

Sirius: Worried?

James: Happy?

Diddy, what's the matter?'

Fred: Nothing. He always looked like that!

George: Why would anything be going on? He's just hanging over Harry's shoulders?

Harry looked sideways at Dudley and ducked

George: QUACK, QUACK!

out from under his arm just in time.

Fred: I guess he doesn't want to get sprayed!

Peter: With paint?

Fred: You could call it paint.

George: Too bad it's smelly.

Dudley swayed on the spot for a moment, his face pale green ...

Fred: Suits him!

George: If he'd had any magic in him he's be in Slytherin!

Snape: Slytherin is the best and besides he'd be a Mudblood! He'll never get into Slytherin!

then he opened his mouth and vomited all over the doormat.

Peter: Nice!

James: Want a piece?

Fred: Today's house special: Doormat du Dudley!

'DIDDY! Diddy, what's the matter with you? Vernon? VERNON!'

James: She can't pronounce his name right. She's had the kid for fifteen years now!

Harry's uncle came galumphing out of the living room,

Sirius: Can't he walk normally.

Alice: He probably was interupted from watching football.

walrus moustache blowing hither and thither as it always did when he was agitated.

Snape: Those horribel mental pictures I get with this sentence!

Narcissa: Do tell!

Snape: He's agitated and wants to take Petunia right there in the Doomat du Dudley.

He hurried forwards to help Aunt Petunia

James: She doesn't need any help. Let her step in Dudley's puke!

Peter: Cool!

Mysterious voice: Mental note to self. Peter's dinner: Doormat du Dudley, with foodprints of Aunt Petunia!

Alice: Mysterious voice... footprints is with a t and not with a d!

Mysterious voice: I know, but this is better...

negotiate a weak-kneed Dudley over the threshold while avoiding stepping in the pool of sick.

Snape: You've got to negotiate? He'd rather stay outside and drown in a pool of sick?

Sirius: Mental, that one!

Lily: I never heard of someone drowning in a pool of sick. I have heard of someone almost drowning in a plat full of soup!

::The door opens. A fat man walks into the room, wearing sixties clothing::

Elvis: Is this the room I'm supposed to perform?

All: NO!

Elvis: How can you say no to the King?

Sirius: Easy! Like this:

All: NO!

Lily: We don't want you here!

Peter: Wait a second! If you are the king, where is your crown then?

Elvis: The king is my stage name, silly boy! I'm nothing but a hound dog.

Sirius: I like dogs!

Remus: I like dogs, more than cats, that's for sure.

James: Moony, nibble on him.

Remus: Nah, I don't like overweight, dead Americans.

Elvis: I'm still alive.

Mysterious Voice: Or so you want everyone to believe!

Elvis: Nobody calls the king a liar! Face me! Like a man!

Mysterious voice: Too bad that I'm a woman then! Now get away!

Elvis: Don't stain my memory when I'm gone!

::Elvis leaves the room.::

Sirius: Lets stain his memory.

Mysterious voice: Count me in!

Snape: Are any more of these idiots going to joins us?

'He's ill, Vernon!'

Remus: No, just shocked!

'What is it son? What happened? Did Mrs. Polkiss gice you something foreign for tea?'

Peter: Sure she did!

James: She gave him something Japanese to eat.

Sirius: Maybe he'd learned math. But I don't think his stomach to learn it that well! It subtracted some of its contents!

James: No, he just had sex with a dementor!

Snape: I don't even want to think of that, and now thanks to you, Potter, I have to!

James: You're welcome!

'Why are you all covered in dirt, darling? Have you been lying on the ground?'

Sirius: He likes it dirty!

James: Naughty boy!

Parrot: Naughty boy! Naughty boy! Naughty boy!

Snape: Where did that stupid bird come from?

Sirius: Can't you see Snivellus? We are in the jungle called a hall.

Lily: Petunia's hall to be exact.

Sirius: Where are the apes and monkeys?

Alice: Where is Tarzan?

Peter: Who is Tarzan?

Alice: Never mind! You'll never understand Peter.

'Hang on - you haven't been mugged, have you, son?'

Sirius: No, just by Mrs. Figg.
James: Did I mention that I don't like Mrs. Figg?

Fred: Sure!

George: You start to look like Percy!

Fred: Our brother. The stupid git.

George: He had a crush on his boss last year. Mr Crouch.

Fred: ::imitating Percy:: Mr. Crouch this, Mr. Crouch that. He's so respectable, Mr. Crouch.

Alice: There is a Crouch at Hogwarts at the moment...

Fred: That is his son. He joins the Death Eaters, so it's another stupid git.

Aunt Petunia screamed.

Peter: Because Crouch jr. became a Death Eater?

Narcissa: Good for her, she should be frightened.

Snape: Screaming women aren't good for my health.

Mysterious voice: Ladies scream!

Lily/Alice/Narcissa/Mysterious voice: ::scream:: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Snape: OH NO!

Mysterious voice: HELL YEAH! But I'll make it up to you! You're beautiful when you're angry!

Snape: I'M NOT... What?

Mysterious voice: You heard me. Well technically it's not you, but the guy who plays you in the movie of this book... Mr. Rickman. But who cares. He's a bit too old for me, though. And the movie isn't out yet either...::grumbles:: Only with book three yet!

Sirius: Is that one any fun?

Mysterious voice: Sure, you get to see Snape in a dress!

All except Snape and Narcissa: Cool!

Mysterious voice: There escapes a certain someone from Azkaban to commit the murder he was imprisoned for...

Sirius: I was convicted of murder?

Mysterious voice: That's what it says...

'Phone the police, Vernon! Phone the police! Diddy, darling, speak to Mummy! What did they do to you?'

Peter: Police? What is the police?

Alice: Muggle Law Inforcement Agents.

Lily: It's also an English Muggle singing group. My father likes the singer Sting. He asks me who the singer is when hears the song on the radio. It's always Sting.

Mysterious voice: There is also a sword named Sting... Oh, sorry wrong book, darn hobbits!

'In all the kerfuffle nobody seemed to have noticed Harry, which suited him perfectly.

Peter: What does kerfuffle mean?

James: Don't know. Don't care!

He managed to slip inside just before Uncle Vernon slammed the door

Snape: Slick. Just like all the Potters I know!

James: You only know me!

Snape: That's what I said!

and, while the Dursleys made their noisy progress down the hall towards the kitchen,

Sirius: They can do two things at the same time! The wonder!

Harry moved carefully and quietly towards the stairs.

Peter: Why?
James: He doesn't want to get heard.

Peter: Why?

Lily: Petunia will give him a hard time if he does that too loudly!

'Who did it son? Give us names. We'll get them, don't worry.'

Narcissa: As if they have the brains to catch a couple of Dementors and take care of them.

James: No, but I'd love to see them try!

'Shh! He's trying to say something, Vernon! What is it, diddy? Tell Mummy!'

George:He can't speak and puke at the same time.

James: Thank Merlin for that!

Harry's foot was on the bottom-most stair when Dudley found his voice.

Fred: Was he searching for it then? On the ground?

George: In his puke on the doormat?

Remus: No, in himself!

Sirius: He's a bottomless pit that boy!

'Him.'

Peter: Who?

Narcissa/Snape: Harry!

Harry froze, foot on the stair, face screwed up, brace for the explosion.

Narcissa: What kind of brace?

Lily: One for your teeth?

Alice: Your arm?

Sirius: Your leg?

Snape: Your mind?

Peter: I would have asked, what kind of explosion?

Narcissa: Isn't it obvious? A gas explosion.

Sirius: Don't tempt me Cissa!

'BOY! COME HERE!'

Lily: An explosion...

Peter: Where's here?

James: He's already here!

Remus: He means into the kitchen, Prongs.

::Room of Requirement changes in Aunt Petunia's kitchen::

James: Lily, is your sister terribly afraid of stains?

Lily: Not that I know of, but she is awfully clean!

Snape: Oh, goody. Muggles with phobia's, I probably can't get any worse than this.

Parrot: Phobia, phobia!

Snape: I stand corrected. It CAN get worse!

Mysterious voice: You got that right. But at least you're not on the Wall of Shame. Narcissa's is.

::Wall of Shame lights up::

'With a feeling of mingled dread and anger,

Fred: Deadly cocktail.
George: I call it Nightmare! Serves up!

Harry removed his foot slowly from the stair and turned to follow the Dursleys.

Snape: Slow, you don't want to pull a muscle.

Fred: Indeed, otherwise he can't play Quidditch any more.

George: We need him!

James: He plays Quidditch? What position?

Fred: Seeker. He was the youngest player in a century to be chosen for a house team. He was picked in his first year. He even got a Nimbus 2000 from Dumbledore and McGonagall!

George: He's the best Seeker of whole Hogwarts.

The scrupulously clean kitchen had an oddly unreal glitter after the darkness outside.

Narcissa: Sparkling clean is it?

James: We can change that?

Narcissa: I bet you could.

Mysterious voice: But this is not the time to try that out.

Aunt Petunia was ushering

Mysterious voice: Usher. That's quite a good Muggle singer.

::the radio next to the sink starts playing Yeah by Usher::

Lily: I like it!

Snape: It's too sunny! Any darker music on?

::the radio next to the sink starts playing In the Shadows by The Rasmus::

Snape: That's better. But a teensy bit darker is even better!

::the radio zoomed in the air and into Snape. It gets stuck on Usher::

Dudley into a chair; he was still very green and clammy-looking.

Snape: At least he still shows some Slytherin pride! What am I saying? He's a Muggle for Merlin's sake!

Narcissa: You can kill him without remorse then. At least his didn't turn red, yellow or blue.

Lily: My nephew is not a traffic light!

Sirius: Maybe he wishes to be!

Uncle Vernon was standing right in front of the draining board,

James: What is that?

Lily: ::stands up and picks up the draining board to show James::

Alice: Something to put your wet dishes on,

Lily: after, and only after you've done with them!

James: So many possibilities.

glaring at Harry through tiny, narrowed eyes.

Snape: ::glare::

James: ::glares back::

Sirius: ::glares too::

Remus: Welcome to part one, of the glaring game. Today's contestants are Sirius Black, James Potter and Severus Snape. Please began.

'What have you done to my son?' he said in a menacing growl!

James: Nothing!

Sirius: He did it all to himself!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

James: I can't help it that he doesn't want to listen to me!

'Nothing,' said Harry, knowing perfectly well that Uncle Vernon wouldn't believe him.

Alice: We believe you.

Lily: It's someone else's time to read.

Remus: Narcissa!

Narcissa: I can't! I'll break a nail!

James: I can make you break lots more, than just a nail...

Narcissa: Ok, ok... I'll do it!

'What did he do to you, Diddy?' Aunt Petunia said in a quavering voice,

Lily: She can't be that old can she?
Alice: No why?

Lily: Because her voice is quavering!

now sponging sick from the front of Dudley's leather jacket.

Peter: Ewww!

Rest: ::look at Peter::

Peter: So what? I own a leather jacket.

'Was it - was it you-know-what, darling? Did he use - his thing?'

James: Thing? Can't he think of something more original?

Remus: James, I think he means his wand...

James: At least that's more original!

Slowly, tremulously, Dudley nodded.

Fred/George: He can nod!

Narcissa: What did he do then with the nasty thingy?

Mysterious voice: Thingy? Haven't heard of that... I have heard of someone calle Chingy.

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Alice: Usher likes Chingy! Usher and Chingy sitting in a tree. K.I.S.S.I.N.G!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Lily: What if this Chingy is a guy?

Peter: So this Usher guy is gay then and attracted to both Snivellus and this Chingy.

Mysterius Voice: Usher has a girlfriend...

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Peter: He's in denial! How cute!

Mysterious Voice: So, Wormtail here is gay and attracted to Negroid people... How on earth could he fall for the exact opposite then?

All: ::look at Peter::

Peter: I am, I'm gay, but I don't have a thing for black people!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Remus: All knowing this Usher is eh!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Alice: Who do you have a thing for then?

Peter: ::whispers:: James

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Sirius/Remus: ::snigger::

Mysterious Voice: Ooh, now everything makes sense all of a sudden. Thanks for revealing the hidden thrive behind your actions, Wormtail!

James: Peter, you know you don't stand a chance. I'm straight. I love Lily!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Alice: James and Lily, sitting...

James/Lily: Shut up, Alice!

Lily: We know by now!

Mysterious voice: I've looked it all up. Chingy is female, but she's not Usher's girlfriend. That is some chick called Jamelia!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

'I didn't!' Harry said sharply, as Aunt Petunia let out a wail and Uncle Vernon raised his fists.

Peter: A whale? She shot a whale out of her mouth?

Alice: No a wail. W - A - I - L!

Peter: That's what I said.

Alice: ::looks up in despair!::

'I didn't do anything to him, it wasn't me, it was -'

Remus: A dementor?

Fred: A boxing champ?

James: Mrs. Figg?

Alice: Piers?

Peter: Piers who?

Alice: Piers Polkiss, that friend of Dudley's!

Peter: Oh him! The one where they were supposed to be for tea...
Alice: That's the one!

Peter: I like some tea.

But at that precise moment a screech

Screech(from Saved by the Bell): ::Sticks his head through the kitchen window:: Did anybody call me?

All: NO!

Screech(from Saved by the Bell): Then I'll go now. ::cries::

Snape: Someone shut that window shut... and it better not be a Potter!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

owl swooped in through the kitchen window.

Snape: An owl... Not that nasty boy...

Parrot: Nasty boy! Nasty boy! Nasty boy!

Snape: ...but an owl... I like owls, if only I don't have to see that ruddy boy again!

Mysterious voice: Only time can tell!

Narrowly missing the top of Uncle Vernon's head, it soared across the kitchen,

James: It's a perch, my boy!

Sirius: Use it as such!

James: You may even shit on it, for all I care!
Lily: JAMES!

James: Sorry, Lily! I couldn't resist the temptation...

Remus: It's not as if the owl is going to listen to him Lily!

Lily: Owls are supposed to be much to intelligent for that.

dropped the large parchment envelope it was carrying in its beak at Harry's feet,

Snape: Couldn't have dropped it on his head?

James: Is the fact that he has to stoop to pick it up, worse enough?

Snape: NO!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Narcissa: YES!

turned gracefully, the tips of its wings just brushing the top of the fridge,

Fred: As if it needed to be cleaned

Lily: ::as Petunia:: It can always use some cleaning!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

All: ::laugh::

then zoomed outside again and off across the garden.

Peter: ZOOM

James: IN

Sirius: OUT

James: IN

Sirius: OUT

James: IN

Sirius: OUT

James: IN

Sirius: OUT

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Mysterious voice: Don't do that again Peter! Or you'll taste my wrath!

Peter: ZOOM

James: IN

Sirius: OUT

James: IN

Sirius: OUT

Mysterious voice: You've asked for it! Come in, Bam!

::Bam Margera walks in::

Bam: Hi, I'm going to take Peter here with me. We need a stunt double for Preston. Someone he's got Wee-man stuck in his ass...

Peter: ::cowers:: What am I supposed to do?

Bam: Nothing much? Just help Ryan Dunn and me out by testing some stuff with us...

::Bam leaves the room with Peter::

Mysterious voice: We seem to be a tad short in people right now. Who shall I bring in next?

Narcissa: What about my sister Bella?

Alice: What about Frank Longbottom?

Fred: What about... Crabbe or Goyle... our time?

Mysterious voice: Ok... Goyle it is then.

Goyle: Hi! I'm Greg Goyle.

Snape: Don't I know you?

Goyle: Professor Snape! Have you seen Draco?

Snape: Huh?

Fred: Goyle, this is another time. You wouldn't understand. Draco isn't here to make you understand!
George: Are you sure your first name isn't Gar?

James/Sirius: ::snigger::

Remus: He's from your time then?

Fred: Yes. His father and mother should be at school with you in Slytherin.

Snape: I know his parents?

George: Lets do some maths. ::counts on his fingers::

Fred: One. You are in Slytherin.

George: Two. He's about Harry's age and Harry's parents are here.

Fred: Three... His dad is a fellow Death Eater

George: Four. His dad is friends with Lucius Malfoy.

Narcissa: I like Lucius!

George: We know! Don't disturb us. We are haunted by that enough.

Fred: Where were we?

James: You were summoning up the reasons why Snivellus here should know Gar's parents

Fred: Thanks. Five. Is there a five, George?

George: There always is!

Fred: Five. Gar here is so stupid that he only remembers his friends and he seems to remember you...

George: So yes, I guess I could say you know them.

Snivellus: I'm no Death Eater!

George: Then you will be!

::Someone knocks on the door::

Alice: ::opens the door::

Chris Pontius (as Bunny the Life Guard): I heard that there was someone to join Bam, Ryan and Peter in their stunts... Some guys named Fred and George!

Fred/George: No!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Chris Pontius (as Bunny the Life Guard): A guy named Snape then?

James/Sirius: Yes!

Snape: No! I will not go with a man who wears a flowered bra and bunny ears on his head!

Mysterious voice: You won't sexy Sevvy!

Parrot: Sexy Sevvy! Sexy Sevvy! Sexy Sevvy!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Mysterious voice: Sorry you came for nothing Chris. Has Wee-man been liberated from Preston or the other way round?

Chris Pontius (as Bunny the Life Guard): They are still operating on them. Shouldn't take more than a few days! I have to get back now. I'm the referee!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

'OWLS!' bellowed Uncle Vernon,

Snape: What else? Flying toads?

George: Good idea!

Fred: Next time we see Neville with Trevor...

Alice: Who's Neville?

George: He's in Harry's year.

Alice: Neville is such a great name. It sounds so... so classy!

Snape: ::snigger::

the well-worn vein in his temple pulsing angrily

Sirius: Pulse. ::feels:: I still got mine.

James: It's not like your dead or anything!

Snape: Nobody asked you anything.

James: Or you!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

as he slammed the kitchen window shut.

Snape: Why didn't he do that before, when that stupid fellow showed up?

'OWLS AGAIN! I WILL NOT HAVE ANY MORE OWLS IN MY HOUSE!'

Remus: Sure you will!

Lily: You can't stop the owls from coming!

But Harry was already ripping open the envelope and pulling out the letter inside,

Lily: Read Harry.

James: What does it say!

Snape: Chris Pontius (as Bunny the Life Guard) is coming to get you to join them with Peter...

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

his heart pounding somewhere in the region of his Adam's apple.

::The words 'biology class' appear in midair::

Lily: ::Points at James' Adam's apple:: This is James' Adam's apple

James: ::chokes::

Lily: ::kisses the spot::

James: ::blushes:: Mental note to self. Choke more often!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Snape: See, even Usher agrees with me!

Dear Mr. Potter

James: That's my father!

Lily: You too, and Harry also! But since you're dead, and your father probably too...

We have received intelligence that you performed the Patronus Charm

Sirius: Cool!

Snape: Received intelligence? I thought you couldn't receive intelligence that it just was given to you at birth!

Gar Goyle: They should say it in easier...

at twenty-three minutes past nine this evening

Alice: Punctual, punctual

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

in a Muggle-inhabited area and in the presence of a Muggle.

Gar Goyle: Who's the Muggle?

Fred: Ickle Diddy

::Gar Goyle mimics Dudley in absence of Peter::

Gar Goyle: What's happening to me?

Fred: Nothing to worry about!

George: You make a better Dudley than Peter did.

The severity of this breach of the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery

James: is yet unknown

::Gar Goyle turns back to normal again::

has resulted in you expulsion from Hogwarts Shool of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

James: Expulsion? My son is expelled from Hogwarts? The shame!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Lily: Indeed! And only because he tried to save himself and his stupid cousin.

Ministry representatives will be calling at your place of residence shortly to destroy your wand.

All: WHAT!

Sirius: RUN! RUN! RUN!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

As you have already receives an official warning for a previous offence

Fred: A house-elf smashed a pudding on a Muggle's head...

Snape: The nice sport. I hate the law even more. Why can't you give your house-elf the Order to drop a pudding on a Muggle's head?

George: It wasn't his house-elf.

Fred: It was hers. ::points at Narcissa::

Narcissa: ::dances around singing:: I have my own house-elf!

Snape: Well, at least one Potter will get what he deserves!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

under Section 13 of the International Confederation of Warlocks' Statute of Secrecy,

Snape: Stupid law!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Lily: You two are bonding!

Sirius: Sevvy's gay!

Snape: I'm not!

Parrot: Sexy Sevvy! Sexy Sevvy! Sexy Sevvy!

Snape: Who wants to play: Shoot the parrot!"

Gar Goyle: Me! Me! Me! ME!

Snape: Who wants to play: Shoot Gar!

Fred/George: WE! Sure we will shoot Gar. Where's a rifle?

we regret to inform you that your presence is required at a disciplinary hearing

James: They won't listen.

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

James: How did I know that was going to happen?

at the Ministry of Magic at 9 a.m. on the twelfth of August.

Lily: At least he has a chance at the hearing...

Hoping you are well,

James: As if! You just got my son expelled. Hypocrite!

Yours sincerely,

Sirius: Sincere, my ass!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Sirius: Let him out Snivellus? Usher wants to lick my ass!

Snape: ::tries:: He won't come out!

Mysterious voice: It's enchanted to stay where it is now, until Snape's body starts to object to it.

Mafalda Hopkirk

Lily: Wasn't she Head Girl in our first year?

Remus: I believe so.

Sirius: I never liked her!

Alice: I did

Lily: Maybe you didn't like her, because she always told the four of you to stop causing havoc and mayhem.

James: Well, that too!

Sirius: She didn't want us teasing Snivelly here!

Lily: SIRIUS!

Improper Use of Magic Office

James: She herself is an Improper Use of Magic!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Lily: I agree with Usher and James.

Ministry of Magic

Gar Goyle: I wouldn't have guessed.

Snape: That's because you're just plain stupid!

Harry read the letter through twice.

Sirius: Read it again, Cissa!

Narcissa: ::reads it again::

James: ::whispers to Sirius:: I thought you said she never listens to you...

Sirius: ::whispers to James:: Obviously she has changed. But I don't think it will take long before she changes back.

He was only vaguely aware of Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia talking.

Gar Goyle: They can talk?

George: Barely!

Fred: But they can!

Gar Goyle: The wonder, I never knew Muggles could talk. Maybe because they are inferior beings!

Remus: The superior man does not set his mind either for or against anything; he will pursue whatever is right. The superior man thinks of virtue, the common man of comfort.

Lily: That's by Confucius right.

Remus: Right! I thought it was suitable for this situation.

James: It is since I don't see any superiority in Gar here.

Fred: That is because he is inferior enough to think he's superior. A nasty tendency of Slytherins.

George/Sirius: Amen!

Snape: No way!

Inside his head, all was icy and numb.

Narcissa: More dementors?

Remus: No, just shock this time.

Snape: How do you know that? Are you there?

Remus: No but the others don't seem to feel it. Only Harry feels it!

One fact had penetrated his consciousness like a paralysing dart.

Alice: I never knew you could be paralyzed if something penetrated you!

Remus: Obviously it can.
Lily: So, we've got to watch out for men...

James: Not all men, Evans! Just the evil ones!

Lily: I remember that. I have to watch out for you than!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

He was expelled from Hogwarts. It was all over. He was never going back.

Sirius: If he's not going back, my name isn't Sirius Black.

Fred: Lucky for you he goes back. Otherwise you had to change your name!

Sirius: In to what?

George: How about Sirius White?

Sirius: No way!

James: What about Sirius Potter?

Sirius: That would be fun. Your parents already think of me as their second son!

James: They really do.

He looked at the Dursleys. Uncle Vernon was purple-faced, shouting, his fists still raised;

Goyle: An aubergine with a moustache.
::an aubergine with a moustache appears::

George: More a purple tomato with a moustache.

::a purple tomato with a moustache appears.

Lily: I go for the tomato! ::grabs the tomato::

Sirius: I for the aubergine. ::grabs the aubergine::

Remus: What do you want to do with it, Padfoot?

Sirius: Shuff it up Snivellus' ass.

Lily: Let him alone Sirius. Hasn't he been punished enough yet. He ate a radio for Merlin's sake!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Goyle: What is a radio?

James: You can throw it away and see how the symbol for Vernon Dursley explodes!

Sirius: Even better!

Aunt Petunia had her arms around Dudley, who was wretching again.

Gar Goyle: Wretching?

Remus: I think he's regurgitating his food again.

Sirius: He pukes!

Gar Goyle: You don't have to do so gross!

Harry's temporarily stupefied brain seemed to reawaken.

::alarmbells sound::

Mysterious voice: Enervate!

Ministry representatives will be calling at your place of residence shortly to destroy your wand.

James: They can't!

Remus: They won't!!

Lily: Don't let him!

There was only one thing for it. He would have to run - now.

Sirius: RUN! HARRY RUN!

Snape: Why should he! The best Potter is a dead Potter!

James: Hey!

Snape: What? It's true!

Fred: So you like James in our time?

Snape: I can't imagine I will...

George: He's dead you know.

James: I AM NOT DEAD!

Fred: Denial...

Mysterious voice: Probably because that's only in the NEXT part of the chapter. I'm tempted to call Chris Pontius (as Bunny the Life Guard) again...Would you like to join Peter?

Fred/George: No! That guy and the other guy Bam seems really nice, but I think he's too much like us...

Lily/Alice: He's quite handsome!

Narcissa: Don't make me laugh
Sirius: Indeed she will pull a muscle.

::rain clouds gather above Narcissa and rain pours down::

Narcissa: MY HAIR! ::conjures a mirror:: Wow! I look young!

Sirius: Damn Dung!

James: ::jumps up and hides behind Sirius:: Mrs. Figg! Where?

Sirius: I wish she was here... Then she could whack Cissa with her bag full of cat food.

Where he was going to,

Alice: Diagon Alley?

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

James: Hogwarts?

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Fred/George: The Burrow?

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Sirius: The place where I'm hiding from the Ministry?

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Fred/George: ::nod::

Harry didn't know, but he was certain of one thing:

Lily: What then? If he isn't sure of where he's going, what would he know for sure?

James: Perhaps what he needs for wherever he's going.

Sirius: A broom to get there...

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

James: His wand is also handy.

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Snape: And me to shoot him down!

Mysterious voice: Shall I call Chr...

Snape: No!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Mysterious voice: Hmmm. Interesting Usher wants me to call Chris Pontius (as Bunny the Life Guard) and Snape doesn't.

at Hogwarts or outside it, he needed his wand.

James: I told you so!

Lily: He doesn't know how to do things without magic? Petunia really neglected teaching my son certain abilities.

James: Indeed, I would have expected more from a Muggle.

Sirius: Lily, may I personally strangle your sister?

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Lily: No, Sirius. She cannot be that evil to deserve that!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Mysterious voice: She can!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

In an almost dreamlike state, he pulled his wand out and turned to leave the kitchen.

::everyone in the kitchen falls asleep::

Mysterious voice: Finally a moments rest!

Usher (from inside Snape): Yeah!

Mysterious voice: Oh, shut up Usher. Silencio! Now I can finally look what Bam, Ryan and Chris have done with Peter.