Harry Potter and the Uncontrollable Angst of Doom

*We open in the same neighborhood as always, where everyone is apparently still ignorant of the phrase "home decorating." Or individuality. Take your pick*

Radio Announcer: It's really freaking hot today, in case anyone cares!

Mother: Come on, my darling child, let me talk sweetly to you as loudly as possible in case that boy over on the swings happens to be a lonely orphan with no family and way too much angst to be healthy!

Kid: Yaaay! Mommy! *hearts*

Harry: My life sucks....

Dudley: Yo. Wassup, Harry-dawg? Lookit Harry-dawg, homie Gs, he ain't got no peeps.

Harry: Dudley, for the last time, you are white.

Dudley: I ain't afraid of no pillows, dawg. I ain't moanin' in my sleep, know what I'm sayin'.

Audience: Isn't moaning in your sleep normal for a fifteen-year-old boy?

Dudley: Isn't your mom dead, Harry-dawg?

Harry: FEAR MY HORMONAL RAGE! *attacks*

Dudley: AHHH! A STICK!!! GANGSTA-FLOW GONE!

Harry: Oh, shit, everything's freezing over... what the hell is that?

Dementor: I'm a dementor, remember? I'm here for your motion blur!

Harry: Weren't you, like, a lot scarier the last time we met?

Dementor: You mean in Prisoner of Azkaban? Please. Those scary cloaks of death and misery are soooo two years ago. And eating? Who does that? It pays to be skinny!

Harry: You know what? You're not setting a good example for teenage girls. THE POWER OF COSMIC BAMBI COMPELLS YOU A SECOND TIME!

Dementor: AAAH! LIGHT! FLEEE!!!

Dudley: *in shock because the light illuminated the fact that he's not, in fact, gangsta*

Mrs. Figg: And now for a shock that isn't shocking because I've never been mentioned before!

Harry: Wow, a new character knows Dumbledore?

Mrs. Figg: Who doesn't know Dumbledore? Good Lord, boy, they told me you were intelligent!

Audience: What series have you been watching?

Vernon: OMNOMNOM... damn, lard is good when you eat it with a spoon.

Petunia: I'm too sexy for my clothes, too sexy for my clothes, so sexy... OMG! DUDLEY'S SICK! CALL AN AMBULANCE! CALL THE POLICE! CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT! CALL MY MOTHER!

Vernon: You! You're the only one in this house who didn't escape from a circus! This must be your fault!

Letter: *flies in* Dear Harry Potter, you're expelled for using magic outside of school. We at the Ministry of Magic are well aware that we have never enforced this rule before, but we don't like you this year. Deal with it. Screw you, the Ministry of Magic.

Harry: Can I kill myself now?

*The Dursleys leave, and a bunch of really cool people enter the room*

Tonks: Hi, Harry! I'm given next to no screentime despite my awesome hair and cooler character!

Moody: I'm actually Moody this time. Or am I? HUH? HUH?! YOU DON'T KNOW, DO YOU?!

Kingsley: I look like I might be a genie.

Lupin: I'm supposed to be in this scene, but apparently my mustache frightens people, so I'm not there.

Harry: Hello, really cool people. What are you doing in my kitchen?

Moody: Getting the plot started, of course! Now get your ass outside. It's CGI time!

Kingsley: You're not expelled until the hearing.

Tonks: Don't worry, we'll explain everything in a minute!

Moody: Shut up! You're not allowed to have lines, Nymphadora!

Tonks: *her hair turns pink like it's supposed to be* Don't call me Nymphadora! *hair turns back to really ugly purple as she smiles* Only Remus can do that.

Harry: Oh, Christ, Cali...

My Voice: What? I think they're cute together. And it's canon. So screw you.

Kingsley: Ready, everyone? Time for the Special Effects Department to have their fun!

Special Effects Department: Wheeee! Broom magic!

Tonks: Hey, Harry, let's fly in front of that huge cruise ship that's carrying a shitload of Muggles! That won't break the Statute of Secrecy!

Harry: Okay! *makes sure he goes in front of every window on the ship* Wheee!!!

Tonks: Wow. You are a dumbass.

Audience: Seriously. How did no one notice that?

Kingsley: For our next blatantly magical, "how-the-hell-are-we-not-in-Azkaban-yet" trick... inflatable house!

*Number Twelve Grimmauld Place materializes, and everyone walks inside. It's really dark in here, because apparently, the Black family has never heard of lights-- gas or electric*

Molly: Hello, Harry! I missed you, but I'm sending you straight off again because I'm too busy to put up with your crap. Go! Hermione's waiting for her screentime!

Harry: Oh, Christ, I have to put up with her again?

Kreacher: Kreacher was once important, but now Kreacher is only here because JKR needs me... oh, poor Kreacher, if only JKR knew how badly my storyline was massacred....

Most of the Plot Points from PoA and GoF: You think you're hard done by?

Hermione: *tackleglomps Harry half to death* Oh, Harry! Finally! I thought I was going to go crazy from not being onscreen! It's just ridiculous-- we're ten minutes into the movie and we haven't even seen me yet! There shouldn't be a hearing, either-- it's stupid, and I can't go.

Ron: ... um... hi, Harry.

Hermione: Quiet, you! Only I'm allowed to be Harry's friend!

Emma Watson's Eyebrows: *wiggle*

Harry: So, what is this place?

Ron: It's Headquarters for the title of the movie. They're the good guys.

Harry: *perfectly calmly* So why haven't I been told any of this?

Hermione: It's Dumbledore's fault. I blame the beard bling.

Harry: *still not shouting. Whining, but not shouting* But I'm the hero of the story!

Fred: Harry! Why are you shouting so loudly?

Harry: I wasn't shouting.

George: Well, if you're done being an angsty bitch and yelling at everybody--

Harry: I wasn't shouting!

Fred: It's time for us to steal the movie with the power of our adorable new haircuts!

*We eavesdrop on what was once an important conversation*

Sirius: I love Harry more!

Molly: No, I love Harry more!

Sirius: No, I do!

Molly: No, I do!

Sirius: Me!

Molly: Me!

Sirius: Me infinity!

Snape: Oh, for God's sake, will you two shut up?

Sirius: You shut up, Snivellus, no one likes you.

Crookshanks: Mmm, ears! Part of your complete breakfast! *munches*

*After the meeting, Sirius pops up*

Sirius: Harry!!!! *glomps Harry, while his hand moves dangerously low on Harry's back*

Harry: Sirius! *doesn't seem to care that his godfather is molesting him*

Lupin: Ah, young love.... Oh, wait, I'm only allowed one line in this movie. Dammit.

*It's dinnertime!*

Harry: So, why does the government suddenly hate my guts?

Sirius: Basically, Fudge is an asshat. He's being a closed-minded prick and refusing to face the truth.

Lupin: All right! Time for my line! Ah-ah-hem.... Fear does bad things to people. Fudge is already a two-faced git by default because he's a politician, so now it's only gotten worse.

Sirius: Voldemort is trying to do stuff. Bad stuff.

Molly: Shut up, Sirius! You're saying too much!

Sirius: I didn't say anything.

Harry: I want to be a vigilante! What's the use of being a hero if you can't be a hero?

Molly: No. Now go to your room.

*Harry goes to bed, but he's having some really weird nightmares involving a montage of stuff we've seen before that anyone with a mouse could put together in Windows Movie Maker. Oh, yeah, and there's a lot of pointless close-ups on his neck*

Arthur: Lalalala, I love Muggles! They're amazing! Look at this lovely little piece of British architecture! *steps inside the telephone box*

Harry: ... a phone booth?

Arthur: That's a police box, you moron, not a phone booth!

Harry: ... um...

Arthur: It's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.

*They enter as the Doctor Who fans in the audience squee, and the police box reveals itself to be, not the Tardis, but a secret elevator!*

Poster: HEIL FUDGE!

Harry: Um, Mr. Weasley? Why is this place filled with references to Nazi Germany?

Arthur: At least it's not more Doctor Who references Cali has to ask her friend to use. To another elevator!

Kingsley: *whispers in Arthur's ear*

Arthur: What the hell? That was so not one of my three wishes!

Kingsley: Tough shit. *disappears into his lamp*

Arthur: For reasons that are certainly not relevant to the fact that the Ministry hates your guts this year, you only have five minutes to get down to the dark, scary court room!

Harry: I hate my life!

*They get off the elevator, and Luscious Mouthful graces us with a cameo appearance that consists of an ominous glower*

Arthur: Harry! Stop staring at his hair!

Harry: B-but... it's so long and shiny! And it's even prettier than in the last movie!

Luscious Mouthful: And the Dark Lord wants me to hide it in my mask. Hmph!

Fudge: What was that, Lucius, old chap?

Luscious Mouthful: What? Oh-- nothing, nothing at all!

Fudge: Right-o. Now, as I was saying, I'll trade you my Zapdos for your Charizard.

Luscious Mouthful: You're not taking my holographic Charizard!

Arthur: You're a hero, Harry, don't worry. *pushes Harry into the dark, scary courtroom*

Fudge: Legal mumbo-jumbo, the first mention of any of our full names, what the hell was my mother thinking when she named me Cornelius Oswald....

Harry: How in God's name did you manage to get in here so fast without anyone seeing you?

Fudge: Film editing. Now, shut up so I can give my guilty ruling.

Dumbledore: NOT SO FAST!

*bursts in overly dramatically*

Dumbledore: I... AM... HERE!

Fudge: You want to tone it down a little bit?

Dumbledore: HELL NO! I'M DUMBLEDORE, BITCH!

Fudge: ... right. So, you did bad things that we've never enforced laws against before--

Harry: Yes, I did, but--

Fudge: -- and this series has no ex post facto laws--

Harry: Of course not, but--

Fudge: And I'm a colossal douchebag--

Harry: Of course you are! But I was only doing bad things that no one ever caught me for because my life was in danger!

Amelia Bones: O RLY?

Harry: YA RLY!

Fudge: No wai. He must be lying! Can't you see his lying face?

Amelia Bones: Shut up, Fudge.

Fudge: But there can't be any witnesses! I don't allow fair trials in my courtroom!

Dumbledore: I DO, AND I'M DUMBLEDORE, BITCH!

Mrs. Figg: Dementors make it really cold... and they make you sad....

Fudge: This is impossible because I said so!

Umbitch: I agree! The Ministry rules all! We're even better than God!

Audience: We can see her face-- she must be important!

Dumbledore: THE ATTACK WAS NOT MINISTRY-RELATED! VOLDEMORT IS BACK!

Fudge: No! He can't be! That would ruin my perfectly ordered world of happiness and safety! And so I change the law to fit into my bubble!

Dumbledore: YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

Amelia Bones: Those who hate Harry Potter for the first time ever?

Fudge, Umbitch, and Some Other People: YOU SUCK HARRY!!!

Amelia Bones: Those who still manage to maintain some dignity?

Unimportant People: *win*

Fudge and Umbitch: B-but... we have names!

Amelia Bones: Those in favor of Dumbledore not talking in all caps any more?

All Including Audience: *raise hands*

Dumbledore: TOO BAD! I'M DUMBLEDORE, BITCH!

Amelia Bones: Yes, yes, we know. And no one cares. Come on, everybody, lunch break, on me!

Wizengamot: Yippee!

Harry: We did it, Professor! We won! Can I hug you?

Dumbledore: ... *disappears*

Harry: *cries*

*We skip the rest of the summer because Number 12 Grimmauld Place is entirely too cool for the brain to process. There is a deerhound on Platform 9 3/4, not quite the Newfoundland we all pictured, but better than whatever the hell that thing was in PoA*

Moody: Yaar, Padfoot! Ye shouldn't be here!

Sirius: Ah, screw you guys and your safety. I rebel! *transforms in one of the waiting rooms, wearing only a furry black robe*

Harry: Sirius, you shouldn't be here! I know you're innocent of the whole murder thing, but you're sitting in a small, out-of-the-way place with a fifteen-year-old boy wearing next to nothing. If anyone sees you, I think you really will be arrested.

Sirius: But I want to show you something!

Girls in the Audience: And if Sirius wasn't played by someone as unbelievably hideous as Gary Oldman, we might actually want to see it.

Sirius: Get your minds out of the gutter, perverts. It's a picture.

Harry: Porn?

Sirius: No, it's not porn! Look, it's a whole bunch of dead people! Isn't this uplifting!

Harry: Did anybody I know change in the past twenty years?

Sirius: Of course not. That would involve casting more people.

*Harry heads off to the train, and who should be there but Voldemort?*

Harry: Oh, hell no.

Voldemort: Don't worry, I'm not real. You're seeing weird shit again. But don't I look snazzy in this suit?

Draco: You're crazy, Potter! No one likes you!

Harry: RAAAR! MY TEENAGE ANGST IS BUBBLING OVER!

Ron: Dude, chill! He only has two lines in this movie anyway.

*The rest of the train ride has been cut for time, and we meet the dream team outside the carriages that haven't existed before*

Thestral: Hiya, Harry.

Harry: OMG! Pterodactyl of doom!

Hermione: Wow. You really have gone crazy.

*Suddenly, a voice appears from inside the carriage. The girl it belongs to puts down her upside down magazine to reveal that she is totally awesome. Ron, besotted at first sight, quite agrees*

Luna: No, you're not. I can see them too.

Harry: Coming from a girl with her wand behind her ear and radishes for earrings, that's not reassuring.

Ron: Don't insult her, Harry! Can't you see she's the best student actor in the entire series?

Hermione: Shut up, you! You're not allowed to speak! This is Loony Lovegood, and I somehow know this even though I've never actually met her and my book counterpart would never be this rude to a stranger. It's so lovely being Screenwriter's Pet.

*Somewhere, Ginny is crying because these are her lines and she has no part in this movie*

Luna: I like pudding!

Audience: Awww, she's so adorable!

Ron: It's official. I'm in love.

*And now it's time for the feast! Dumbledore does his hippie thing, except he's not quite as groovy in this one*

Dumbledore: HELLO, STUDENTS. I AM BADASS. ALLOW ME TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE ABSENCE OF HAGRID. THIS IS SIGNIFICANT. OUR DEFENSE THE DARK ARTS TEACHER IS THIS TWISTED OLD HAG.

Umbitch: Hello, children! I'm here to brainwash you and get you all killed, but don't let that fool you. I'm here to be your friend! *giggles* Even if I am a complete and total bitch!

*We are distracted from the rest of the feast by Emma Watson's eyebrows. They suddenly go on a murderous rampage and devour everybody whole with the power of their wiggliness. Harry and the other Gryffindor boys escape with their lives into their dormitory*

Dean: Seamus's holiday sucked. He's never been a main character before, but he's very Irish.

Seamus: Yeah, and you don't want to go pissin' Irish people off.

Harry: What did I do to you?

Seamus: You're a crazy bugger, don't you know?

Harry: Your mom!

Seamus: Don't ye have a go at me mam!

Ron: What's going on here?

Seamus: He's after me Lucky Charms!

All: ....

Seamus: ... I mean, he's mad!

Ron: Well, you're a minor character and the Authoress can't write your accent. Come on, Harry, let's go upstairs. I'm here for you, Harrykins.

Harry: You don't understand me! No one understand me!

Ron: ... right. Just go slit your wrists in peace, then.

*The Hogwarts kids have some fun before class with a pretty paper birdie*

Umbitch: *sets the paper bird on fire* If we don't have time for Snape's Worst Memory, we certainly don't have time for this rubbish. Now, we're going to follow approved Ministry procedures!

Class: Um... yay.

Hermione: Professor, there's nothing in here that's useful! It's all about the Third Reich!

Umbitch: Have none of you ever heard of a governmental cover-up? Now, shut up and read!

Harry: STOP COVERING UP THE TRUTH, YOU BITCH!

Umbitch: Detention, Potter! It's a plot point!

*We move on, and Quirrell, Lupin, and Barty Crouch Jr. all burst into tears as we see the new DADA office. Even Lockhart is crying over what happened to it*

Umbitch: Hello, Harry! You're going to be tortured into insanity today.

Harry: I can see that. Seriously, kitten plates and doilies?

Umbitch: No, that's only the beginning. Now write with this ominously pointy quill.

Harry: Sure thing! *He writes with the ominously pointy quill, and it gouges his hand open* My hand! It huuuurts!

Umbitch: Yep. And you deserve every minute of it! *giggles happily*

My Voice: Wow. This is cooler than the Death Eaters' torture.

*Speaking of things that are uberly cool... the twins are back! They're testing stuff on students just to show off their undeniable awesomeness*

Fred and George: Look! We're beautiful and brilliant!

Ron: Hermione, will you help me feed the shippers? They're driving me mad-- how am I supposed to daydream about Luna with them constantly crying?

Hermione: Fine. I'll help you with your homework.

Ron/Hermione Shippers in the Audience: They're meant to be!!!

My Voice: Freaks.

Ron/Hermione Shippers in the Audience: But we're canon!

My Voice: So? You're still freaks. Besides, fanon pwns canon any day.

Harry: *cries* My hand....

Hermione: OMGWTF?! TELL DUMBLEDORE!!! TELL THE AMBULANCE!!! TELL MY MOTHER!!!

Harry: No. I need to deal with this on my own, because no one understands meeee!

Ron: You're being tortured, you idiot, what else is there to understand?

Harry: NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!!!

*He floats away on a cloud of teenage angst, and we follow him after it turns into another freaking Hedwig scene transition*

Harry (Voice Over): Dear Padfoot, I know no one knows who you are when we call you this because the PoA screenwriters thought birds were more important than the plot, but I just thought you would like to know that gets cold in winter. Also, I'm feeling emo today. Do you know of any swift, efficient methods of suicide?

Luna: Hello, Harry Potter. I think I'm going to steal the movie again. It's only fair, you know. The nargles stole my shoes, after all.

Harry: Would you mind providing backstory as to what exactly these pterodactyls of doom are?

Luna: Sure! They're called thestrals, and you can only see them if somebody you know died and left you the victim of extreme emotional trauma.

Audience: Those are supposed to be Hagrid's lines, but if you have to replace somebody, do it with Luna and no one cares!

Harry: You seem surprisingly unaffected by all your emotional trauma.

Luna: Yes, well, when getting over watching your mother die, it helps to have a friendly pet Crumple-Horned Snorkack on hand to lick you and make you feel better.

Harry: No one loves me....

Luna: It's not good for you to be emo all the time. You have friends, remember?

Hermione: STOP EATING, RON! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODILY FUNCTIONS WHEN HARRY'S ANGSTING!

Ron: *wails* I'm going to starve this year!

McGonagall: Stop torturing students, you bitch!

Umbitch: I'll do what I like-- I'm with the Ministry, and Cornelius Fudge is God!

McGonagall: Well... I'm taller than you!

Umbitch: *steps onto a stair above McGonagall* I win! Beware, Hogwarts, for I, Dolores Jane Umbridge, am going to screw you halfway to Hell!

*Her first order of business? A stupid newspaper montage about how amazing she is!*

Fudge (Voice Over): I've promoted the biggest bitch in the universe to a position of power. This was a brilliant idea!

Umbitch: So, Snape, Dumbledore won't let you teach students the Dark Arts, will he?

Snape: *bitterly* No. *beats the hell out of Ron*

Audience: Dude, Snape so rocks when he's not ACTING.

My Voice: Shame those moments don't come often.

Umbitch: I want you to make a spontaneous prediction on command!

Trelawney: But that's impossible!

Umbitch: Oh. Well, then, you're fired.

Trelawney: DEATH! DESTRUCTION! DEEEEATH!

Umbitch: Lovely! You're still fired.

Trelawney: *cries*

*She discriminates against short people by suddenly declaring that Flitwick isn't tall enough to teach the Amazing Singing Toad Chorus. The Authoress starts an armed rebellion, and everyone gathers outside to watch Trelawney cry*

Trelawney: *sobbing hysterically* I k-know I'm the worst teacher ever, but you c-can't evict me!

Umbitch: I'm with the government-- watch me!

McGonagall: *huggles Trelawney while glaring at Umbitch* YOU SUCK!

Umbitch: What are you gonna do about it? I have power!

*Suddenly, the doors burst open, and Dumbledore makes his second overly dramatic entrance*

Dumbledore: AND I HAVE MORE! I SAY TRELAWNEY STAYS, AND WHAT I SAY GOES BECAUSE I'M DUMBLEDORE, BITCH!

Umbitch: Note to self-- kiss Cornelius's ass more until I rule all. Maybe I should start talking with Caps-lock....

Harry: Wow, Dumbledore, that was amazing! The power of random yelling and slamming open doors really suits you!

Dumbledore: *ignores Harry*

Harry: I feel so unloved! *cries and goes off to write in his Livejournal about it. As he does so, Hermione monologues*

Hermione: Umbridge sucks! She's not helping us at all! There's no way anyone could possibly have figured any of this out without the help of my superior brain!

Emma Watson's Eyebrows: *escape to commit more acts of unspeakable, wiggly evil*

*Speaking of escapes, it's time for another stupid newspaper montage! *

Fudge (V.O): A bunch of people are disappearing without a trace. It must be Sirius Black's fault, because it can't possibly be He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! He's not back, and Dumbledore is a liar!

*Everybody facepalms, but speaking of Sirius, the image of Gary Oldman reappears in the Gryffindor fireplace*

Harry: Sirius! Wow, this CGI is much better than in the last movie! So, what are you doing here?

Sirius: Commenting on your LiveJournal--it's Friends Only, you see, and you won't add me.

Harry: That's because I have no friends! *cries*

Sirius: ... right. So, Umbridge is a bitch, is she? Fudge doesn't want you to take his position.

Harry: Fudge knows he's in charge of the Wizarding world, then?

Sirius: Apparently it just dawned on him yesterday. Now he's clinging to it with everything he has, even when everything he has makes no sense whatsoever. So he's accusing Dumbledore of assembling an army to take him down, while Voldemort starts attacking.

Harry: Oh, no! What can we do?

Sirius: Hell if I know. See you!

Hermione: He really is out there, isn't he?

Audience: No shit, Sherlock.

Hermione: You know what this calls for? TEENAGE REBELLION!

*And so, the Golden Trio heads out to Hogsmeade to put their evil plan into action*

Harry: But everybody hates meeee! I wasn't done cutting my wrists!

Ron: Nobody hates you as much as Umbitch.

*They go into the sketchiest bar ever*

Aberforth: Hey, Lucille, come back here! You're beautiful enough to secure me the poster shot!

Lucille the Random Goat: Fat chance.

Audience: *cries from happiness* Minor characters actually appearing in the series... this almost makes us have hope for the future!

David Yates: ... yeah... right.... *sweatdrop*

Hermione: Hi! Suddenly, I'm uncomfortable with public speaking even though I really don't shut up normally. Harry is amazing. Harry is the greatest living creature in the universe. Are you going to band together under his glow of awesome?

Harry: *totally zoned* What's the point in living?

Hermione: ... pay him no mind. He's a good teacher, really.

Cute Ravenclaw Boy: I think I've earned a few lines by being totally hot and in the Authoress's house. I don't believe you!

Ron: Then bugger off, you bloody wanker!

All: *blank stares*

Ron: What? My only purpose in this series is to spout random stereotypical British dialogue. Now I'm not even allowed to do that?

Hermione: Nope. Now you just sit in the back and scowl. Can you handle that? I know you're not nearly as good an actor as me....

My Voice: If you do not shut the hell up about the screenwriters whoring after you....

Luna: So, can you really do a bunch of cool hero stuff that technically kids our age shouldn't be able to?

Harry: Yeah, but it doesn't mean my life isn't a black abyss.

Ron: He pretty much rocks.

Hermione: STOP TALKING, RONALD! Yes, Harry really did kick Voldemort's ass.

Harry: It sounds a lot more impressive when you don't mention the fact that he was too busy monologuing to actually fight.

Hermione: Harry, shut up. We're giving you credibility, which you desperately need. Since I'm screenwriter's pet--

Harry: I was really there, Hermione, you weren't! No one knows how miserable my existence is! No one!

Hermione: Nope, but you're going to help us with that, because I told you to, and if the screenwriters can't refuse me anything, you're sure as hell not going to.

*The scene fades out*

Cute Ravenclaw Boy: Bye, fangirls! Any fanmail gets addressed to "Slightly Doubtful Boy, Ravenclaw Tower." Got that?

*He's shoved off the stage by the Bridge of Dubious Origin*

Hermione: My obscene knowledge of everything ever isn't enough to figure out a good place to practice. So, who wants lines?

Harry: How about--

Hermione: No!

Harry: What if--

Hermione: No!

Ron: Can I speak? Umbridge might find out, you know, and then there'll be hell to pay!

Hermione: Please! I'm in Pink Power Ranger mode, and when I'm like that, nothing can dampen my enthusiasm!

Ron: I hate when she goes out of character....

Audience: Welcome to our world.

Hermione: And one good thing happened today!

Harry: How could it have? I'm still alive.

Hermione: I got screentime!

Harry: ...

Ron: ......

Ginny, Neville, and Luna: ......

Hermione: Oh, are you three in this scene, too? I didn't notice! Oh, yeah, and your love interest was looking at you.

Ginny: *cries, but no one notices because she's in the back and she's not allowed any lines in this movie*

Umbitch: No extracurricular activities allowed! I want you all to become hermits!

Crabbe: Look! I can talk!

Neville: Why am I always the one who gets picked on? Hey, cool, special effects door!

Hermione: SCREENTIME! *tackles Neville out of the way so she can be in the shot* Congratulations, Neville, you found the Room of Requirement, which I somehow know all about even though these aren't my lines!

Ron: What else is new?

Harry: And why is the entire DA suddenly behind us?

Neville: And why can't I cast a spell worth a crap?

Nigel: And who the hell am I?

*These and other questions are skipped over in a lovely montage of teenage rebellion. It's, like, twelve years long. Finally, though, we've gotten into Christmas, and everyone is leaving the Chamber of Deus Ex Machina... except Cho*

Cho: Harry... did my wonderfully bland, sparkly boyfriend totally suck?

Harry: At magic? No. At life? ... well, that's questionable.

Mistletoe: *conveniently grows*

Harry: Well. Maybe my life does have some meaning.

*Now initiating the most unbelievably awkward kiss ever. Their mouths are full-on making out, but their arms and bodies are nowhere near each other-- wtf?!*

Ron: Harry, how was it? Tell me! I have no chance of ever finding out for myself, because I'm not important enough to ever get lines, let alone a girlfriend.

Harry: I know you want to live vicariously through me, but really, it wasn't that great.

Hermione: Don't worry, Harry, you're a fabulous kisser.

H/Hr Shippers in the Audience: *squee!*

Rest of Audience: How would she know?

Hermione: I read about it, of course! Heroes are always naturally gifted at kissing. She's just being emo because her boyfriend died and Umbridge is a bitch.

Ron: Other people have emotions?

Hermione: Just because you've got the emotional range of teaspoon....

Audience Who's Read the Books: OMGBOOKQUOTESYAYZ!

Hermione: LOLZ.

Ron: LOLZ.

Harry: LOLZ.

Audience Who's Read the Books: I knew the canon-ness was too good to last.

Audience Who Hasn't Read the Books: Where the hell did that come from?

David Yates: All teenagers burst into random laughter after serious conversations! Can't you see that I'm trying to depict normalcy?

My Voice: Dude, I do that. Thus, it's not normal. Deal with it.

*And now for more of Harry seeing weird shit while his neck obscures the camera*

Nagini: Voldemort never feeds me.... *grumbles*

Mr. Weasley: *whistles innocently*

Nagini: FOOD! OMNOMNOMNOM!!!

*Harry wakes up, and everyone is suddenly in Dumbledore's office... bitch*

Dumbledore: PORTRAITS! PREVENT THIS MAN FROM DYING! BECAUSE I'M DUMBLEDORE, BITCH!

Portrait: Don't worry, he'll be okay, and the Dark Lord isn't going to win!

Dumbledore: HOORAY.

Harry: LOOK AT ME!

Dumbledore: *looks at Harry*

Harry: *fume fume*

Dumbledore: YOU NEED THERAPY. *looks away*

Snape: Can I have a scene, Headmaster?

Dumbledore: YES, YOU MUST. HARRY CAN'T EVEN CHANGE HIS DISGUSTINGLY SWEATY SHIRT FIRST.

Snape: But--

Dumbledore: NO QUESTIONS. DO AS I SAY, BECAUSE I'M DUMBLEDORE, BITCH!

*Snape drags Harry into his office and unfurls a roll of questionable pointy objects*

Harry: ... are those anal probes?

Snape: These items are imperative for doing what I'm about to do.

Harry: So, yes, they are anal probes. Shit.

Snape: The Dark Lord can read your mind, and this is bad. And now, I'm going to attempt to penetrate you with my wand. You will attempt--futilely-- to resist.

Harry: Oh, Jesus Christ, Dumbledore, what have you done?

*We go through yet another montage of the last four and a half movies (the movie's way of censoring this obvious rape scene?), and suddenly follow a really crappily CGI-Ed Santa Clause on a scene of happiness and joy at Grimmauld Place*

Molly: Daddy's alive! Hooray! Ugly sweaters for everyone!

Mr. Weasley: And now a toast! Harry!

Weasleys: Harry!

Sirius: *suggestively, with much pervy eyebrow wiggling that makes Emma Watson's eyebrows jealous* Harry....

*He succeeds once more in leading his unsuspecting godson into an enclosed space alone with him. You'd think Harry would learn after being sexually assaulted by Snape....*

Audience: Why did the Blacks have an entire room with no purpose other than to display the family tree? Really, put a dining table or a chess set in here so they have a reason to go in.

Sirius: Harry, would you like some of my backstory?

Harry: You mean you're allowed to have it in this movie?

Sirius: Amazing, isn't it? Anyway, my family sucked. They sucked a lot. Do you see my batshit insane but freakishly beautiful cousin? The one that looks like Helena Bonham Carter? The one the camera zoomed in on?

Harry: Will she be important later? They wouldn't dare deprive such an incredible actress of screentime.

My Voice: I apologize, readers. Helena Bonham Carter is a goddess and she deserves to be worshipped.

Audience: ... right....

My Voice: And now, back to your regularly scheduled parody!

Sirius: I loved your dad so much, Harry.... That's why I molest you so often. You're so much like him.... *nostalgia*

Harry: I'm not! I'm not! I'm connected to Voldemort, and I'm always angry!

Audience: That's called puberty, Harry. It happens to everyone.

Harry: No! It must mean I'm evil! It has to!

Sirius: Harry, you don't suck, I promise. Now, stop your emo bitching and don't kill yourself. This series needs its hero.

Molly: Harry, time to go back to Umbitch's Lair!

Sirius: When all this is over, we'll be a proper family. You'll see.

*Everyone in the audience who's read the books bursts into tears. Even the ones who haven't suddenly have a really bad feeling about this... and I apologize for the déjà vu. It worked here, too*

Cho and Harry: *heart*

Hermione: Harry! They put in a scene everyone thought would be cut!

Harry: ... bye, Cho! *dashes off*

Cho: You know, for someone who feels so unloved all the time, you don't pay very much attention to your girlfriend!

Umbitch: By order of the great God Cornelius Fudge, I order you to tell me where you've been or I'll send you to Auschwitz!

Hagrid: ... um... my health.

Umbitch: Being beaten to a pulp is good for your health? You suck, and we don't need your kind around here in my perfectly ordered world. I hope you die in a hole! *sprays her signature perfume-- Essence of Superbitch-- into the air as she leaves*

Hagrid: *supplies useless backstory that NO ONE cares about*

My Voice: Why did they leave Hagrid's Tale in, but not Snape's Worst Memory? Why?!

*Because I don't really feel like parodying that unbelievably boring bit, we move on to Azkaban!*

Bellatrix: Mmm... Dark Mark.... *licks* Dude! Hole in the wall! YES! My goddess-ness has been unleashed, and those who caged me will suffer greatly-- I will have my REVENGE!!!

*She cackles maniacally, and this offers a lovely segue into yet another stupid newspaper montage*

Fudge (V.O): The followers of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-And-Who-Is-Most-Certainly-Not-Back have escaped! Everybody panic! Of course, it can't possibly mean he's returned. I blame the government.

Random Guy: *whispers in Fudge's ear*

Fudge (V.O.): What? We are? When did this happen? Oh, the voice over thing is still on? Right, then.... *clears throat* Well, I've just been informed that I am the government, so in that case, this must be Sirius Black's fault! We even have a convenient connection-- Bellatrix Lestrange is his cousin!

Hermione: Fudge. Is. Such. A. Moron.

*Emma Watson's eyebrows attack and drag Seamus Finnigan's sorry carcass up to Harry*

Seamus: Ach! Harry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I believe you! Now stop strangling me with your wiggliness, oh, eyebrows of evil!

*Later on, Neville is standing at the Mirror of Depression and Woe in the Chamber of Deus Ex Machina*

Neville: Harry. My backstory was cut from the last movie, and this is very important. My parents were victims of the wrath of Bellatrix Lestrange. I don't know what they did to earn her wrath, but you don't piss off goddesses and live. It's a great honor to have parents who went insane for a good cause, but don't tell anyone, okay?

Harry: *glances out at the audience* ... right....

Rodolphus, Rabastan, and Barty Jr.: Hey! We were there, too!

*Another day, another moment in the Chamber of Deus Ex Machina. Everybody can do a Patronus now!*

Luna: *has the greatest Patronus ever*

Audience: Bunny!

*Unfortunately, the marvelous distraction of a bunny kept them from hearing Umbitch outside*

Umbitch: Time to blow this Chamber of Deus Ex Machina up!

*She does so, and everybody realizes what deep shit they're in as they get hauled off to Dumbledore's office. Fudge, Percy Weasley, and Kingsley Shacklebolt have materialized, as well*

Fudge: Ha! I knew it! Dumbledore was plotting against us! Chalk up a victory for the Third Reich! And now, it's off to Azkaban with you!

Dumbledore: SCREW YOU. I'M DUMBLEDORE, BITCH! *he grabs onto Fawkes, and Apparates to safety by blowing up*

Kingsley: Dude. Dumbledore freaking owns.

*The next day, we're on the Bridge of Indeterminate Origin*

Ron: Well, we tried. You did well, Harry, I promise!

Hermione: Yeah, this is all our fault!

Harry: No, I did this! When I tried to help, I made things worse, but it doesn't matter anymore. All it does is make you care too much and make it hurt more. My life isn't worth living anymore! Everything would be better if I jumped off this bridge!

Hermione: Harry, please don't kill yourself. We need you for three more movies.

*Hesitantly, Harry agrees to hold onto his life, and we move on to the Forbidden Forest*

Ron: Hey, Hermione, you know everything ever, why don't you tell us why we're here?

Hermione: I... don't know. I HATE BEING KEPT IN THE DARK, HAGRID!!

*What's going on is quickly explained when Shrek appears from the gloom*

Audience Who's Read the Books: They cut everyone's favorite scene down to next to nothing, but they left in Grawp? What the hell?

Hagrid: My job looks hopeless, but somebody has to take care of my little half-brother!

Ron: Little?

Hagrid: Don't worry, he may be a bit of a dumbass, but he's pretty harmless.

Grawp: *grabs Hermione and lifts her into the air* FRIEEEEND.....

Ron: AAAH! HERMIONE!!!

Hermione: Don't worry, I can handle it with the power of PINK POWER RANGER MODE! *she does so. No one is impressed*

Hagrid: So you'll take care of him?

*Grawp picks up a bicycle bell and gives it to Hermione after ringing it a few times*

Half of the Audience: Awww, that was so adorable!

Other Half of the Audience: Why was there a bicycle bell in the middle of the Forbidden Forest?

*No one answers them, because we're watching yet another freaking montage of stuff we know already! We end it on the floor of Snape's office, where Harry is panting, and we all know what that means!*

Harry: *and I quote* We've been at it for hours! If I could just rest--

Snape: The Dark Lord isn't resting! I have to prepare you to defend against his ability to enter you forcefully and painfully.... He will come in hard and fast and--

Harry: How do you know all this?

Snape: ... never mind. You're so weak.

Harry: No, I'm not!

*Harry lunges, and we are shielded from the gratuitous violence by some of Snape's memories!*

Everyone's Favorite Scene: *begins*

Audience: *blinks*

Everyone's Favorite Scene: *ends*

Marauder Fans in the Audience: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

David Yates: ... please don't kill me....

Alphonso Cuaron and Mike Newell: Not gonna work, pal.

Marauder Fans in the Audience: *attack David Yates*

David Yates: *as he's being dragged away* I... will... RETUUUUUURN!

Rest of the Audience: Well, it could be worse. We could have Cuaron back for the rest of the series.

Alphonso Cuaron: What? I like trees! Is that so wrong?

*Yes, as a matter of fact, it is. And on that note, Harry is walking back inside looking emo, and he happens upon the twins of awesome being adorable and comforting a crying first year. Umbitch looks on, gloating*

Umbitch: This isn't overly sadistic at all! Aren't I great?

Fred: You know what? I've had just about enough of this shit.

George: Me too. You know what this calls for?

Fred and George: Us being awesome!

*Umbitch stands in front of the fifth years as they take their exams, imagining every single one of them drowning in their own blood*

Fred and George: We interrupt this future-defining test to bring you... 'SPOLDY THINGS!

*And 'splody things there are. Big, shiny 'splody things. Lots of big, shiny 'splody things. The twins leave the movie with a bang, but Harry can't enjoy them because he's seeing weird shit yet again!*

Voldemort: Hey, Sirius, I'm going to kill you. Will you do me a favor first?

Sirius: No, because you're a big fat meanie head!

Harry: *wakes up* Oh, no! A dream that may or may not be prophetic!

Hermione: Harry, I've read about it. You're hallucinating. You can't believe all the weird visions you see in your head!

Harry: No! I can't be! That wouldn't allow for me to be heroic! He's the only family I have left!

Hermione: Technically, he's not your family.

Harry: Actually, if you read far enough back on his family tree.... Never mind! Come on, move!

Hermione: Fine... let's go piss off the Megabitch! *shows off*

Harry: Tell everybody what's going on! I have to go on... *strikes classic damsel in distress pose* ... alone!

Ron: The Authoress was right. You are taking after Sirius, and you do sound like an ass.

My Voice: For those of you who forgot, I used that joke in PoA.

Hermione: We're not letting you risk your neck alone!

Umbitch: Good, that makes my job easier.

Draco: I haven't been in nearly enough of this movie, so here I am with the rest of the sextet.

Umbitch: You were going to Dumbledore, weren't you? Note how my mind automatically jumps to the worst possible conclusion!

Harry: N--

Umbitch: *bitchslaps Harry*

Snape: You know, I think my respect for you just shot right up.

Umbitch: Excellent! So, Snape, old buddy old pall, are you ready to help me force answers out of small innocent children.

Snape: I'm out of truth potion, and three of these are the wrong gender for my other methods of extracting information.

Hermione, Ginny, and Luna: *sigh in relief*

Harry, Ron, and Neville: *whimper in terror*

Umbitch: This is movie's only PG-13, and we're out of clips to put together another montage to censor you.

Snape: ... dammit.

Harry: Wait! They've got Padfoot at the place with the thing that does stuff!

Umbitch: What the hell?

Snape: No idea. That backstory was cut from the third movie.

Umbitch: Fine. It's time for my favorite thing in the world-- torture! Yay torture!

Hermione: There's only one thing to do at a time like this.... It's time to ACT!

Umbitch: Aha! You do know something! That's the only reason your voice would go so annoyingly shrill!

*She follows the mentally disturbed youth and his still-grossly overacting gal pal into the dark and scary forest, because this is always a good idea towards the end of a Harry Potter movie*

Umbitch: Are we there yet?

Hermione: *ACTING* NO!

Umbitch: Are we there yet?

Hermione: *still acting* NO, WE ARE NOT!

Umbitch: Are we there yet? ... wait. There's nothing here! I hate children, isn't that a shock?

Centaurs: And we really hate you. Horsy-monkey people, attack!

Harry: You'd really think they'd have stepped up the CGI on these guys since the first movie.

Grawp: GRAWP WANT SCENE, TOO.

Umbitch: Tell them not to kill me, Harry! Tell them I'm a lovely person and I like to sing under rainbows with my happy bunny and unicorn friends!

Harry: No. Instead, I think I'll let your own lines bite you in the ass.

Umbitch: *as she's carried away to be raped and eaten by creepy horsy-monkey people* I'LL GET YOU YET, HARRY POTTER!!!

Hermione: ... right. That's one minor villain out from under our feet. It's climax time!

*Ron, Ginny, Neville, and Luna agree, and they come running*

Ron: Even after they're gone, my twin brothers are awesome! They let us get past the vicious thugs to join you and actually get some screentime!

Hermione: Hmph. Fat chance.

Ginny: So, how may we help you, noble sir?

Harry: You can't! I have to do this alone! Maybe if I'm lucky, Voldemort will end my misery.

Neville: Harry, shut up and stop being an emo bitch. You have friends, and killing yourself will make the rest of the series about her. *points to Hermione*

Harry: ... good point. All righty, so... anybody have a real plan of action?

Luna: I do. Unfortunately, only two of us can actually see the pterodactyls of doom, but you'll have to take our word for it. The special-effects department wants to show them off.

*And they do so. No one seems to be bothered by the fact that, to all appearances, they're floating on thin air, but London sure is pretty at night*

Harry: *looks up at the omnipresent screenwriters* Have you guys had enough scenery?

Screenwriters: *thumbs-up*

*The sextet makes their way into a room full of small, round crystals. The Authoress can be heard squealing excitedly*

Harry: I knew we couldn't get through an entire parody without her mentioning that damn movie....

Neville: Look, Harry! This has your name on it! This couldn't possibly mean that this whole rescue mission was a trap, could it?

Harry: Oh, of course not! I wonder what this is?

Prophecy: I'm a crystal, nothing more, but if you turn me this way and look into me, I will show you important backstory for the next three movies.

*Harry looks annoyed, but before he can start bitching about my Labyrinth obsession, an army of clearly evil characters march in*

Harry: Well, damn, it was a trap after all.

Luscious Mouthful: It took you that long to figure that out? The side of good is truly doomed. Now, cower before the power of our good acting and give me the prophecy.

Harry: Make me!

Bellatrix: Would the presence of a goddess sneering malevolently at you be enough? *sneers malevolently*

Neville: Bellatrix Lestrange... and your evil cleavage!

Bellatrix: Ooh, you're that kid whose parents I made go psycho! That was fun!

Luscious Mouthful: Bellatrix, you can't kill him. We only want that little glass ball, and then we'll skip off on our merry way. My hair is due for a wash, and I really don't want to miss it. Who knows what will happen to its shiny prettiness if I don't shampoo and condition every three hours?

Harry: ... right. Why is this so important to Voldemort?

Bellatrix: GAH! SACRILEGE AND BLASPHEMY!

Luscious Mouthful: Shut up. It holds wondrous, magical secrets, Harry Potter, secrets that can only be revealed if you listen and give me the prophecy. Just let me rule you, and you can have everything that you want....

Harry: You know, you almost suckered me in there...

Luscious Mouthful: *smirks*

Harry: ... and then you quoted Labyrinth. Have at him, servants!

*And so begins a battle sequence, where the sextet have a grand old time destroying government property, and the Death Eaters can fly all of a sudden. Finally, they float in midair for a second before coming to rest before a gigantic archway*

Harry: Listen! I hear voices!

Hermione: Oh, God, he's off his meds again. Harry, it's an empty archway, and you're delusional.

Luna: No, he's not, I hear them, too!

Hermione: Well, you're creepier than that fairy chick from Legend. You don't count.

Bellatrix: Do we? *grabs Neville and points her wand at his throat, while grimy nasty extras get their mits all over the others*

Luscious Mouthful: Harry, beware. I have been generous up until now, and I can be cruel.

Neville: Oh, God, not more Labyrinth!

Bellatrix: Ssh!

My Voice: Thank you, alter ego. There haven't been any through all of OotP-- I have to make up for lost time somehow!

Harry: Fine, I'll sacrifice the fate of the free world to save my friends.

Luscious Mouthful: *holds the crystal triumphantly*

My Voice: Okay, there is no possible way I can resist the lure of a hot blonde holding a crystal like that. Seriously, all that's missing is the glitter and the tight pants, and we've got ourselves a Goblin King!

Sirius: Hey! Don't tempt the Authoress with more 80's glitter fantasy references. *punches Luscious Mouthful in the face. The Prophecy shatters. The audience laughs our asses off*

Audience: PWNED!

Sirius: Now, Harry, I want you to do the sensible thing and save your friends.

Harry: When have I ever done the sensible thing?

Sirius: This is true.

Luscious Mouthful: You screwed Cali out of a Labyrinth reference! DIE!

Harry: Not on my watch! Expelliarmus!

Sirius: Nice one, James!

Bellatrix: Your failure at life irks me. Goddess powers activate!

*The power of Helena Bonham Carter compels Sirius to fall through what is so totally not a veil, and the sound blacks out*

Harry: *mouths* WHERE'S THE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUND?

Lupin: *mouths back* It's called dramatic effect!

Harry: *still mouthing* Screw this noise... or lack thereof. *wrenches away*

Bellatrix: *brings the sound back because she is a goddes, and sings happily* I killed Sirius Black! Wheee!

My Voice: Dude, I want her singing that as my ringtone.

Audience Who's Read The Books: I don't know whether to smile because Helena Bonham Carter is so amazing or to be pissed because that wasn't canon.

My Voice: Hey, she's a goddess. She can do no wrong! Even if she totally wasn't the one to write that in....

*Now that that's cleared up, Harry charges at her, filled with teenage rage and brokenhearted orphan angst*

Harry: My name is Harry Potter. You killed my godfather. Prepare to die. *He tries to cast an Unforgivable curse at Bellatrix, but it doesn't work, because she is an invincible goddess*

Voldemort: Harry Potter, you absolutely fail at torturing people.

Bellatrix: I'll say.

Dumbledore: *swoops in melodramatically* AND YOU ABSOLUTELY FAIL AT LIFE. AURORS ARE COMING, AND THEY'LL BRING YOU DOWN... WITH MY HELP, OF COURSE, BECAUSE I'M DUMBLEDORE, BITCH!

Voldemort: Stop saying that already, Jesus Christ! You're ACTING worse than Snape....

Dumbledore: HELL NO, I'M NOT! I'M--

Voldemort: I said shut up! Maybe you'll listen to me if I burn your sorry ass!

Bellatrix: Oh, is it epic battle time? I'm out!

*She crawls into a fireplace and uses her goddess powers to make Floo powder appear out of nowhere. Voldemort proceeds to create a giant fiery snake to devour Dumbledore whole. It's probably the single coolest thing the Special Effects team has ever done, ever, but sadly, Dumbledore has to have the last laugh, and puts it out with a giant tidal wave that's almost equally cool. Not to be outdone, Voldemort makes glass shards fly everywhere. Somehow, no one gets cut, but Old Moldyshorts is ecstatic anyway. And damn, these italics are long*

Voldemort: Aha! Broken glass is truly the essence of evil!

Audience: ... damn, Ralph Fiennes has some nice arms.

Special Effects Team: *are pretty much jacking off to their own awesomeness right about now*

David Yates: All right, guys, playtime's over.

Special Effects Team: *grumble*

David Yates: You want to do another montage?

Special Effects Team: Yay montages!!!

Audience: *groan*

*So, as Dumbledore (bitch) is trying to clean up the apocalyptic nightmare that is a few glass shards, they all start swirling around, possessed by Voldemort's spirit. Or something. Hell, I don't know! All I know is that they go into Harry and his eyes... miraculously... turn green!*

Harry/Voldemort: You've lost, movie team! Harry Potter's eyes must be green. Like this. And he must speak in a really creepy, echo-y voice.

Dumbledore: HARRY, LOOK AT ME! YOU ARE GOOD, BECAUSE I SAID SO, AND I'M DUMBLEDORE, BITCH!

Hermione: Harry! I've been offscreen for five minutes! Let my shrieky panicked voice bring you back to sanity!

Voldemort: Bad... acting... too much.... Can't... stay... in... stolen... body.... Must... talk... in... fragments!

Harry: Okay, I know it was the combined suckage of Emma Watson and Michael Gambon that really drove him out of me--

Audience: And turned your eyes back to blue! *cry*

Harry: -- but I haven't my cheesy hero line yet. I feel sorry for you, oh embodiment of all that is evil, because you have no friends!

Voldemort: You're wrong, Harry Potter! I have a grand total of fifty-six Friends on Facebook!

Dumbledore: I HAVE OVER NINE THOUSAND, BECAUSE I'M--

*Before he can finish the line we're all sick of, however, Fudge appears, and catches a glimpse of Voldemort before he disappears*

Fudge: Holy shit, he's back.

Harry and Dumbledore: *facepalm*

Audience: *slow claps* Nice going, dumbass.

*And on that oh-so-special note, we move into Dumbledore's office for the annual explanation of the entire movie*

Dumbledore: So, Harry, now that we're at a quiet moment, I can stop talking in Caps-lock. Just like any good psychiatrist, I know how you feel.

Harry: No, you don't. No one understands meeeeee!

Dumbledore: Harry, shut up. The next movie is a romantic comedy, and we can't afford for you to be emo any longer.

Harry: So, is one of us going to have to kill each other in the end?

Dumbledore: 'Fraid so. But look on the bright side. The special effects guys will get to do another epic battle sequence.

Harry: Why didn't you tell me about how my future lay in your hands?

Dumbledore: Isn't it obvious, Harry? I love you! I've loved you from the moment I laid you on your horrible family's doorstep!

Harry: Dammit, every single year....

Audience: Tell me about it. We knew he was gay, but we didn't know he was a pedophile.

Dumbledore: Well, screw you guys and the rest of this oh-so-important chapter. I don't have to work under these conditions! I'M DUMBLEDORE, BITCH!

Audience: We know, Michael Gambon. We know.

Luna: Lalalalalalala....

Harry: Why aren't you at the feast?

Luna: I had to give everyone a chance to see me again, because I really am the best child actor in this series. That, and everyone's been stealing my stuff.

Harry: Wow. There's someone in this school who has a worse life than I do!

Luna: And I bear it all with a happy smile on my face and a dream of cute redheads and Crumple-Horned Snorkacks in my heart!

Harry: It'd do you good to have some help, you know. I learned that through my horrible ordeals and my year of angst.

Luna: It's okay. The nargles are looking for them. And I'm sorry about your godfather... even if he was a murderous raving madman. No one ever told us minor characters otherwise, after all.

Harry: ... right. Anyway, if you want someone corporeal looking for your stuff--

Luna: That's all right. I'll just leave you with a double entendre that can either mean we'll see our loved ones again, or.... Ooh, look! My shoes!

*And sure enough, a pair of snazzy red checked Converses are hanging from an archway. She takes them and skips off, looking adorable*

Harry: ... doesn't the way her shoes were hanging mean she was murdered by a gang?

*He shrugs, deciding that she looked alive and well to him, and meets Ron and Hermione for one last scene*

Harry: I've been thinking.

Ron: First time for everything.

Harry: We've got something Voldemort doesn't have... something worth fighting for.

Audience: Goddamn, where do they come up with these horribly corny endings?

My Voice: Tell me about it. Also, call me crazy, but I think Old Moldyshorts has plenty to fight for. You know, world domination, control of the free world, unlimited supplies of Pixie sticks, that whole shebang. Much better than Emma Watson and a kid who can't have lines even though he's totally hot. Much better.