Harry Potter and the Complete Disregard For Canon

*We open in a dark bedroom where Harry is playing with his wand under the covers*

Harry: Get your mind out of the gutter, all of you! I'm only practicing underage magic.

Audience: Aren't you not supposed to do that?

Harry: Hey, the screenwriters don't care about the plot. Why should I?

*After that pointless interlude (the first of many), the titles appear in the sky as usual, and then it's time for our regularly scheduled storyline. Or whatever this travesty of a movie is supposed to be.*

Harry: Hey, Uncle Vernon, will you be nice to me for once?

Uncle Vernon: No, go away. We have to introduce the first new character for this movie.

Aunt Marge: You called? Oh, Dudley, I love you so much, I hope we're never parted, ever, ever ever, ever! *glomps Dudley, then turns to Harry* Oh, it's you. You look like a normal human being and not a pig. I don't like you. Let me show you how by being even more unpleasant than the unpleasant people the audience is used to! You should have grown up in an orphanage and your hair has suddenly stopped lying flat. Your clothes look like something from a lumberjack's closet, and your glasses are too round. Your eyes are blue and you're too skinny....

*Cut to dinner time, where the pig people are snarfing down food and downing wine like it's their purpose in life. Harry just sits and eats quietly while Marge keeps right on bitching*

Aunt Marge: Your parents sucked, too. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Their unbelievable amounts of suck passed onto you, and your dad drank too much!

Harry: SHUT UP! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!

*Suddenly, Aunt Marge starts to inflate. The Dursleys' Patented Looks of Utter Horror and Doom™ are back in full force as Violet Beauregarde's evil and less blue sister floats away into the sky*

Harry: Finally, she's gone. *storms inside and grabs all his stuff* Screw these people, I'm out of here!

Uncle Vernon: Oh, no, you're not! FEAR MY APOPLECTIC RAGE!

Harry: I'm not fearing anything from you. Get away from me, pig man! *leaves and finds himself in a dark, creepy playground. Seriously, if any playground I grew up around were this scary, I would have grown up with some serious issues*

Audience and Entire Parody Cast: ...

*Shut it, the lot of you. Anyway, Harry sits down on the curb, quickly realizing something rather important*

Harry: Well, damn. I really should have thought this out a bit more.

*The bushes behind him rustle, and a huge scary black dog appears... or is supposed to appear. What we actually get is a skinny little runt that could really use a bath, but Harry freaks out anyway and ends up nearly getting run over. The bus that almost killed him stops and a living, breathing "Before" picture for ProActive steps out.*

Stan Shunpike: 'Allo, I'm this movie's second minor character to be introduced, and I'm 'ere to ask several stupid questions in rapid succession.

Harry: Well, I guess this means I can get what's left of the plot moving again. Sweet.

Shrunken Head: I be livin' proof dat Cuarón wants ta be Tim Burton, mon.

Alfonso Cuarón: I've got crazy hair, crows, and talking dead people! What more do I need?

My Voice: Talent as a director, perhaps? The ability to realize that plot is more important than scene transitions?

Alfonso Cuarón: *cries*

*The Knight Bus zooms across London, narrowly missing mowing down everything in its path. And I do mean EVERYTHING*

Harry: Where did this man get his driver's license?

Shan Shunpike: In a Cracker Jack box, 'o course! Where else do wizards get anyfink?

Harry: *not reassured in the slightest* ... right. Can I get to the Leaky Cauldron without getting killed please?

Shrunken Head: Sure ya can! All ya hafta do is put up wit de smell of my pot smoke, my horrible jokes, and de fact dat I'm a reminda of how bad dis movie screwed up canon!

*The Knight Bus narrowly misses killing more things, and the audience gets the impression that the Special Effects Team is enjoying this far too much. After they're finally done with Long Scene Transition Number One, we go back inside and see Stan idly reading the news, which bears a picture of a guy who looks slightly less than sane, judging by the way he's roaring at the camera*

Harry: Who is that crazy guy who looks like he's going to kill everyone?

Stan Shunpike: 'Oo is that? That is the plot of this 'ole movie, that is! Sirius Black-- 'e's a muuuuuuuurderer....

Audience Who's Read the Books: No, he iiiiiisn't....

My Voice: You're giving too much away!

Stan Shunpike: Even though it makes no sense wiv wot everyone knew of 'im, 'e was a big supporter of You-Know-'Oo.

Harry: ... well, shit.

*Once again, we are treated to a really long montage of the Knight Bus showing off before we finally-- FINALLY-- reach the Leaky Cauldron, where we see that Tom the Barman from the first movie has metamorphosed into Tomsimodo-- like Quasimodo, but more sinister and with worse hygiene*

Tomsimodo: Gehe. Hello, little boy. *forcibly drags Harry upstairs*

Harry: Have you, by any chance, heard of these things called fingernail clippers or this other stuff called hand soap?

Hedwig: Yeah! You messed up my perfectly white feathers!

Harry: Hedwig! You're here!

Tomsimodo: She came right before you did, gehe. I had a little fun with her in the meantime. Gehe.

Harry: *looks disturbed*

Hedwig: I can't believe you left me behind again! Do I mean nothing to you? Do you like having me raped by Quasimodo's evil twin?

Cornelius Fudge: I am here to provide backstory and to assure anyone who cares that Aunt Marge was not seriously hurt.

Audience: *sarcastically* Oh, joy, we were so worried.

Harry: You're a completely different person than the Fudge I saw last year.

Cornelius Fudge: Oh, that was only my stand-in. I was in Cancun last year scoring all the babes.

Harry: ... right. But I broke the law! Aren't I expelled? Arrested? Sentenced to live with soul-sucking demons for all eternity?

My Voice: Hey! You don't know about them yet!

Cornelius Fudge: Of course not, Harry, you know how much I love you! No punishment for my precious little pumpkin! But you shouldn't have run away like that with the main plot of the movie running loose. You've never been in dangerous situations before, of course!

Harry: I know you're supposed to be stupid, Minister, but really, I have.

Cornelius Fudge: I have no idea what you're talking about, but we did all your shopping for you already! So, in order to protect you, we're letting you go anywhere you want in one of the most crowded areas of the Wizarding world!

Tomsimodo: *wheezes. I think he's supposed to be laughing*

Harry: I certainly feel safe now....

*Cut to Harry's room. I think it's worth noting that I've never seen a hotel room this bare. Really, put up a nice still life or something. Anyway, Harry notices that one of his books is growling and bound with a piece of rope, so he does the only thing that makes sense and opens it. Immediately, it attacks and tries to eat him*

Harry: *cowers on his bed* Should have thought this out, should have thought this out, should have thought this out....

*He flips through a Calvin and Hobbes comic for ideas on what to do when a book is trying to devour you whole and drops a shoe onto its covers. Satisfied, he walks out to find....*

Ron: Your cat smells funny!

Hermione: Your rat is ugly!

Ron: Your cat looks like a pig!

Hermione: Your rat looks like an ugly old man who betrayed our best friend's parents!

Harry: What. The. Hell.

Ron and Hermione: Harry! We love you, Harry!

Harry: Hermione, when did you get a cat?

Hermione: They cut the scene where I bought him! Imagine, cutting one of my scenes!

Ron: Why do I find it incredibly difficult to summon sympathy?

Harry: Get used to it. Almost every important scene in the book got cut from the movie this time around.

Ron: Guess what! We won a crapload of money! Instead of improving the house or buying clothes that aren't hand-me-downs, we blew it all on a trip to Egypt!

Fred: Stop flashing that clipping around.

George: Yeah, it's not even important in the movie.

Fred: But we are!

George: They gave us screentime this time!

Fred: Just in time for us to get incredibly gorgeous!

Molly: Hi, Harry! I still love you more than I love my own kids!

Arthur: Yeah, so do I. And now I need to have a deep conversation with you consisting of stuff you know already. I just say it in a normal accent and with more nervous breathing. Sirius Black is batshit insane and he wants to kill you. Don't go looking for him.

Harry: I know I'm not exactly the brightest spark in the wand, but I'm not that stupid, Mr. Weasley.

Arthur: Good, good. I was worried for a minute.

*After skipping through the first five chapters of the book in about five minutes, it's time for Hogwarts*

Molly: Ron! Don't forget your major plot point! *shoves Scabbers through the window*

Scabbers: Hehehe, my evil plan is coming along perfectly....

Crookshanks: Meow.

Scabbers: Eep! *hides*

*Cut to the Big Three inside their compartment. Inside is a hobo, passed out drunk with his cloak over his eyes*

Ron: Who do you think that is?

Harry: I guess we picked him up off the side of the road so he didn't get hit after he keeled over on the tracks.

Hermione: No, he's Professor R. J. Lupin.

Ron: How do you know everything? There's no way you could have read about that!

Hermione: Actually, I did-- it's on his suitcase, Ronald!

Ron: Since when do you call me Ronald?

Harry: So, if he's really so drunk he's passed out, I guess it's safe to talk freely about how the main plot has already started to show itself.

Hermione: Harry... they cut the main plot.

Harry: Well, anyway, people are trying to kill me already.

Ron and Hermione: Well, that sucks.

*Suddenly, the entire train starts shaking and stops dead. Ice starts covering everything-- the windows, the drunken hobo's bottle of vodka, the occasional elephant-- and a tattered black cloak of death that really needs a manicure appears. Everyone freezes, and the black cloak lowers its face to Harry's and starts sucking out his motion blur. A woman screams and somehow, impossibly, fades into a train whistle as the drunken hobo wakes up at last. He is revealed to have a small, furry mammal living on his upper lip. The effect is to remind the viewer of a certain dictator.*

Lupin: You can take my students, but don't you dare freeze my vodka!

Lupin's Sentient Mustache: HEIL HITLER!

*The power of fascism compels the dementor to disappear and Harry wakes up*

Hermione: Harry! Harry, you idiot, how could you pass out when something like that happens?

Lupin: Here, have some chocolate.

Harry: What was that?

Lupin: An animated black cloak. They live off your motion blur and were trying to stop the plot from advancing further, when it's having serious issues as it is. Eat your chocolate. My fuzzy friend and I are going to leave now. *They leave, and as they do so, Harry gets a couple seconds of angsty gazing out of the way*

*So, we don't have time for any description of the Marauders or the main theme of the book, but we have time for a chorus of giant frogs singing the words to Macbeth. Way to prioritize, Cuarón!*

Dumbledore: Hello, everyone, and welcome to a totally groovy new year at Hogwarts! Over the summer, I've gotten a total makeover to go with my new hippie attitude. Check out the beard bling. Yeah, you in the Hufflepuff uniform, you're jealous. You wish you could have beard bling. BUT IT'S MY BEARD BLING! For the rest of the series, I'll be over here with my arms outstretched, butchering the character of Dumbledore until everyone wants to kill me!

Audience: R.I.P. Richard Harris! *cries*

Dumbledore: By the way, we have two other new teachers. Professor R. J. Lupin, the drunken hobo who said he wouldn't mind taking over our Defense Against the Dark Arts post. Here's hoping he's competent and not insane like the last two!

All: *clap unenthusiastically*

Lupin: My face weasel says it's okay. I'll change your minds soon enough.

Dumbledore: And even though he's been known to nearly kill people by harboring monsters and his intelligence isn't exactly up to standards, I've promoted Hagrid to a teaching post!

*Everyone claps loudly. The audience shudders as they are reminded of the ending to the last movie*

Dumbledore: By the way, there are black cloaks around. I know it's not very groovy, but don't worry, cats. They'll stay away if you buy a night light.

*After a few more pointless interludes, including the Fat Lady showing that she really isn't a soprano and the Gryffindor boys acting like my little sister, we are treated to the most pointless interlude of all. A bird flutters around the entire school and gets killed by the Whomping Willow, because THIS is important, this certainly deserves screentime more than the plot does!*

Screenwriters: LOLZWTFBIRDS.

Audience: *twitches*

*And now for something that's actually in the book-- Insanity 101!*

Trelawney: You have to be super special to be good at this class, and if you're not, you're all going to die terrible, painful deaths! If you are good at this class, you're still going to die terrible, painful deaths! Isn't it wonderful?

Hermione: *appears out of nowhere* I think she may be lighting up more than incense.

Ron: *jumps out of his skin* OMGWTF!

Hermione: I don't know what you're talking about. I've totally been here the whole time.

*Class goes on, which basically involves staring at some brown stuff that's supposed to be tea leaves but really kind of resembles wet mulch. Trelawney glides over, freaking out. She rudely awakens Ron from a lovely dream about snogging a mysterious blonde girl with radishes in her ears and Butterbeer corks around her neck*

Trelawney: WHEEEEE! I AM LOOOOOPY! Lessee what's in Harry Potter's cup! Yeah! Parry Hotter!

Ron: Um... I see... stuff that makes no sense....

Trelawney: Of course it makes sense! It all means death! DEATH! OOOOHAHAHAHAHA! *suddenly breaks off from her crazy laughter that confirms everyone's suspicions that she has indeed been smoking crack with a scream* It's the Grim! The GRIIIIIM!!!!

Harry: ... what?

Random Kid No One Knows: It's another death omen. But it's the very worst one of all.

All (Including Audience): Who the hell are you and where did you come from?!

*We make our way through a bridge that wasn't there before, past the Whomping Willow, which is on a completely different part of the grounds than it was last movie, and to Hagrid's Hut, which is also in a completely different place*

Harry: Hey, Hagrid, why has your house moved?

Hagrid: I needed to be closer to the area where I'm going to be teaching, of course! Come on, it's going to be amazing! Okay, class, open your books to page--

Draco: We can't, idiot, they all tried to devour us whole.

Neville: *sniffles-- his robes are all ripped*

Hagrid: How could no one have possibly guessed that you had to stroke them? Were you all preoccupied with something stupid like not getting ripped apart or something?

All: *grumble as they stroke their books and open them, except Neville, who just gets mauled again. Poor thing!*

Draco: Hagrid sucks, I'm gonna tell my Daddy!

Harry: Shut up, Malfoy, no one likes you.

Draco Fans in Audience: WE LOVE YOU, DRACO!!!!

Harry: ....

Draco: And now, I taunt you mercilessly!

*We are interrupted by the introduction of this movie's resident AA-- Adorable Animal, not Alcoholics Anonymous. Sorcerer's Stone had Fluffy, Chamber of Secrets had the Cornish pixies, and now Prisoner of Azkaban has Buckbeak!*

Buckbeak: I love me some ferrets!

Hagrid: Okay, if you screw up this lesson, you're going to get mauled and die a very painful death. Who wants to come say hi?!

*Everybody offers Harry up as a human sacrifice*

Harry: Gee, thanks, guys.

*Fortunately, though, everything goes smoothly because Harry is the hero*

Hagrid: Great, Harry! Good job! Now, let's show off some more CGI!

*He drops Harry on Buckbeak's back and they fly around all of Hogwarts, which is apparently now entirely made of CGI*

Harry: I'm king of the world!

Celine Dion: Near, far, whereEEEEEVER you are!

Audience Who's Read the Book: Okay, first of all, this scene is not this long. Second of all, Harry isn't supposed to enjoy it!

Alfonso Cuarón: But look how pretty the scenery is! Isn't that better than the book?

Audience Who's Read the Book: BLASPHEMY!

*Finally, Harry returns to the ground. Draco pushes his way to the front and goes up to Buckbeak, who's busy being cute*

Draco: If Potter can do it, anyone can! I could totally have survived the Chamber of Secrets or defeated the Dark Lord twice in as many years! This giant horse-bird with really sharp claws isn't danger-- AACK!

*Buckbeak attacks! Poor, victimized Draco's robes are ripped-- not his flesh, not even the shirt underneath the robes, but still Draco is writhing on the ground crying like a wuss*

Draco: Help me, God! Help me, Tom Cruise! Help me, Oprah Winfrey! I'm melting! MEEEEELTING!

Hagrid: You're not going to die, you wuss. *drags him to the hospital wing*

*The next morning, we're treated to a rare glimpse at the Slytherin table*

Presumably Pansy: Oh, Draco, you were so brave! Does it hurt?

Draco: Oh, yes, it's agony! I don't know how I could have survived the vicious tearing of my robes!

Ron: What a pansy.

Hermione: Yeah, but his dad's pretty pissed. I think this might turn out to be a plot point.

Lucius Fans including the Authoress: *squeal at the mention of Luscious Mouthful*

Seamus: Speaking of plot points, Sirius Black has been sighted! A deranged murderer was right by the school! Isn't that exciting?! He could easily get past the dementors again!

Random Kid No One Knows: Yeah. It's like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands. Isn't that deep enough to take your minds off my questionable identity?

Harry: ... no. Who the hell are you?

*We are treated to another five minute shot of the Hogwarts ground, this time getting frozen by the evil black cloaks that don't actually have that power in the books. Then it's time for Lupin's Introduction to Comic Relief class with his teacher's aide, Professor Fuzzy Hitler Mustache*

Lupin: Unlike the last Defense teacher, I really am going to show you how to deal with your worst fears! Neville, would you like some screentime?

Neville: S-sure.... *steps up to Lupin, looking scared out of his mind, but looking almost more adorable than Buckbeak*

Lupin: Now, you're terrified of a teacher, right?

Lupin's Sentient Mustache: If it wasn't Alan Rickman, that would be just sad.

Lupin: Sad? THIS IS COMIC RELIEF CLASS! Make Snape funny, and off we go!

Lupin's Sentient Mustache: Whee! Swing music!

*We, indeed, hear swing music as Snape steps out of the closet*

Boggart Snape: Grrr....

Neville: Eeep! I mean... Riddikulus!

*Snape is now in drag-- grandma style!*

Audience: It's official. This movie has been made.

Harry: I think that's actually scarier than the original boggart. *shudders*

Ron: Really. That dress with that hat?

*Parvati steps up and turns a cute little snakey-poo into a really creepy clown that leers down at everybody and kind of looks like it's going to eat you*

Harry: That is definitely scarier than the original boggart.

Clown: Hi there, Harry. *leers*

Harry: ... er... hi.

Clown: Seen any good movies lately? *leers more*

Harry: ... er... no, not really.

Clown: Really? Too bad. *keeps on leering*

Audience: OMFG, CAN WE GET THAT THING OFF THE SCREEN ALREADY?!

Clown: ... right, sorry! *finally disappears, to be replaced by a black cloak of death*

Lupin: AHHHH! MUST--PROTECT--STUDENTS'--MOTION BLUR!!!

*The image of a white orb on a dark blue background replaces the cloak. It's clearly the moon, and there's no way it could possibly be mistaken for a crystal ball as in the book. Way to go, idiots!*

Special Effects Guys: *hide faces in shame*

Lupin's Sentient Mustache: Good job, dumbass, now they know what our biggest fear is! Why couldn't you be afraid of can-can dancers like a normal person?

Lupin: ... dammit. Everybody out! You should all have gotten your comic relief fix for now-- you got to see Snape in a dress, didn't you?

*Harry stands there angstily for a while, and we fade to... Harry angsting some more*

McGonagall: Only those of you who have proper, caring parental figures can go into the amazing land of happiness and wonder that is Hogsmeade!

Harry: But I want to go to the ball, too!

McGonagall: Hogsmeade. Not the ball. This isn't Cinderella.

Harry: But I still want to go!

McGonagall: No, go away. Your parental figures are douchebags, so you're not allowed to have fun with your friends.

*Harry turns away, dejectedly, and what do Ron and Hermione do? Instead of comforting their friend or staying behind to make him feel better, they leave his sorry arse behind! Harry finds his way to the Bridge of Indeterminate Origin, by the side of Lupin and his furry friend*

Lupin's Sentient Mustache: Why are we hanging out with a thirteen-year-old, exactly? Don't we have any other friends?

Harry: Why do you think I'm a pansy?

Lupin: I don't. I just thought the boggart would turn into the villain of this series, and we can't have that among all the innocent children!

Harry: ... but you saw that it was a dementor.

Lupin's Sentient Mustache: How exactly did you manage to miss that?

Lupin: Why didn't you say something?

Lupin's Sentient Mustache: Because I'm just your facial hair, in case you've forgotten!

Lupin: Well, anyway, that means that you fear nothing but fear itself!

Harry: Thank you, FDR. Do you know why I keep hearing voices this time around? Specifically, my mommy?

Lupin: Oh, your mother... She was an amazing woman... beautiful, kind, always there for you even when you're going psycho... she always gave me chocolate, too.

Lily/Remus Shippers: *squee*

Harry: That's nice, but it doesn't really answer my question.

Lupin: *not listening* Also, your dad got in trouble a lot, just like you.

Harry: So why am I hearing voices?

Lupin: No idea. But you're a lot like your parents. Let's just leave that on a note of sentimentality, shall we?

Audience Who's Read the Books: THAT'S NOT CANON!!!

Lily/Remus Shippers: Who cares? *squee*

*I care. So we move on to the next scene, where there is a very large holdup on the Labyrinth reference staircase*

Ron: What the hell is going on here?

Harry: Probably David Bowie popped up again.

Ron: No, I can't hear him singing.

Ginny: It's the Fat Lady! She's gone!

Ron: Hey, when'd you get in this movie?

Dumbledore: Which way did she go, Filch, which way did she go?

Filch: She went thataway! *points to a painting of a random hippogriff*

Fat Lady: THE MAIN PLOT HAS APPEARED AGAIN! *screams* Also, you need a manicure as badly as any of those black cloaks.

Dumbledore: ... well, damn. You know what this means? SLUMBER PARTY!!!

*So, there's been a break-in and they're just NOW locking the doors. Maybe this many locks could have kept him out the first time if they had been CLOSED. Everyone is whisked away by the magic of scene transitions to the sleeping bags that are Great Hall*

Snape: He's gone, and I think someone may have helped him into the castle. It's definitely because of--

Dumbledore: Shut up, Severus. I trust everybody! Nobody could possibly be evil! Now for vague dialogue that's not in the book! Dreams let you touch the stars and swim deepest oceans!

Snape: Just because you're a hippie now doesn't mean you have to smoke pot, you know.

*Once again, we skip undetermined amounts of time to the next Defense class. However, instead of Lupin and his face weasel appearing, Snape billows in*

Snape: Light interferes with my teaching abilities. I will not have it! Now, turn to page three hundred and ninety four so I can advance the plot with the amazing, magical, not lame at all slide projector!

Harry: *glances up at the slide projector* What in God's name is that thing supposed to be?

Hermione: It's a werewolf! But we haven't done that yet!

Snape: Shut up, Hermione, no one likes you. What's the difference between WEREWOLVES and real wolves?

Hermione: I read about this! *shows off*

Snape: Correct. TWENTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! I told you no one liked you.

Hermione: *glares*

Ron: He's definitely got a point.

Snape: Okay, homework, ten billion pages on how to recognize and kill werewolves, the meaning of the Latin word Lupus, the founding of Rome, and what exactly all of that means for the future of the school. Now beat it! WEREWOLVES!

*Snape continues to be menacing, and we skip to the most dangerous Quidditch game ever. Seriously, does no one understand that when kids are getting electrocuted in the air, you might want to think about canceling the game?*

Unnamed Hufflepuff Who We All Know is Cedric Diggory: Seriously. *gets struck by lightning* I'm important for the next movie! I can't die now!

Harry: Must catch the Snitch, must catch the Snitch, must catch the-- OMGWTF!

*The black dog of doom appears in the sky*

Harry: AAAAH! ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION!

Audience Who's Read the Book: He's in the sky? WTF?! That doesn't even make sense!

*To make things worse, the black cloaks appear, hungry for some motion blur! Harry starts hearing shit again and immediately passes out. Dumbledore proves useless until the very last second, and Harry wakes up in the hospital wing*

Hermione: Wake up, Harry! You can't be dead, there are still five and a half movies left!

Ron: What are you talking about? You want the screentime to yourself.

Hermione: I'm trying to appear sympathetic! Shut up!

Harry: So... did we win?

Hermione: No, but it's not your fault. The black cloaks were trying to get your motion blur again, so Dumbledore sent them away. You can't function without your motion blur!

Ron: Also, the Whomping Willow made your broom explode.

Harry: *sobs* Why can't that stupid tree have stayed where it was?!

*We return to the Bridge of Indeterminate Origin, where Harry is once again talking to Lupin and his Mustache O' Fuzzy*

Lupin's Sentient Mustache: Stop following us.

Lupin: Be nice, mustache. Just because you make me look like Hitler doesn't mean you have to act like Hitler.

Harry: Why do black cloaks affect me so badly? I know I'm not that wussy!

Lupin: Basically, it's because your life sucks and has always sucked.

Harry: I want to fight them! I want to know how to keep my motion blur intact!

Lupin: Maybe later. For now, I need chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

*Harry angsts for a while, and we use this as a scene transition. Around Christmas time, Harry is still emo. Suddenly, he has an idea and tries using his Invisibility Cloak to sneak to Hogsmeade. Why he didn't think of this earlier is beyond me*

Fred and George: Super mega twin powers activate! *kidnap Harry and drag him back into the castle*

Harry: Wait! You're supposed to encourage me to break rules!

Fred: We are.

George: But in a way that doesn't leave footprints in the snow where anyone can follow you.

Fred: Da da da DAAA! *presents Harry with a certain bit of parchment*

Audience: *quivers with excitement*

Harry: "Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs are proud to present the Marauder's Map!" So, who are these people?

Fred: Who cares? They're only the most important plot point in the movie.

George: Why bother including that? Off to Hogsmeade with you!

*Honeydukes is heaven. Enough said.*

Random Dude in Honeydukes: Hey, cool! Floating lollipop! That's not suspicious at all!

*Cut to Ron and Hermione*

Hermione: Do you want to move closer?

Ron: To you? Hell no!

Hermione: No, idiot, to the Shack! I've read about it, it's--

Ron: The most haunted building in Britain, I know! Shut up!

Draco: *saunters up* Look, everyone! My dad found another dead mole on the front steps, so now I have a hat to match! Blah blah blah, Weasley's on welfare and Granger's parents are Mudbloods, you know, the stuff I usually say.

*And so begins a scene where Invisible Harry pwns Draco and his pet gorillas. Unfortunately, the scene after it, which made it important, was cut, because why should we include the plot or the best scene in the book?*

Draco: Run away! Run away!

That One Skinny Kid Who Replaced Crabbe For PoA: Brave sir Draco ran away! Bravely ran away, away! When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled

Draco: SHUT UP!

Ron: Bloody hell, Harry! That wasn't funny!

Audience: No. No, it really wasn't.

Hermione: You shouldn't keep that! It's useful to the plot! You know how the director of this movie is about the plot!

Ron: Hermione, shut up. No one likes you.

Cornelius Fudge: Hello, Rosmerta! I'm here with my friends. Would you care to join us in explaining the few fragments of plot left to this movie?

Madam Rosmerta: Certainly I would. Let's just hope Harry Potter isn't around to hear any of this! We wouldn't want him knowing anything important!

Harry: ... *bolts off to follow them into the Three Broomsticks*

McGonagall: Okay, blah blah blah, Sirius Black is evil, blah blah blah, he killed Peter Pettigrew, Peter Pettigrew is dead, Peter Pettigrew got blown to smithereens--

Madam Rosmerta: Peter Pettigrew? He's a plot point, isn't he?

McGonagall: That's why I keep repeating his name. Oh, yeah, and Sirius Black is... *dramatic pause* Harry Potter's godfather!

Audience: DUN DUN DUN!!!

Harry: Mind... breaking.... *bursts into tears of emoness and sadness... or at least, they're supposed to be. He runs out to a glade of teenage rage and sits down on a rock, showing off quite nicely the fact that Daniel Radcliffe is an appalling actor*

Hermione: Um... Harry...?

Harry: I AM ANGRY! FEAR MY CAPSLOCK OF RAGE!

Hermione: So why are you crying like a little girl?

Harry: THESE ARE MANLY TEARS! MANLY TEARS, I TELL YOU! DEATH TO SIRIUS BLACK! DEEEEEATH!

Ron: Can we have you committed now?

*Spring comes with another sweeping shot of the grounds and the Willow. Cuarón still fails to realize that WE DON'T FREAKING CARE ABOUT THE TREES. Anyway, we're back in Lupin's office. His mustache is still fuzzy*

Lupin: Are you sure you want to learn this, Harry?

Harry: Yes.

Lupin: Are you sure you're sure?

Harry: Yes.

Lupin: Are you suuuure you're sure you're sure?

Harry: YES, DAMMIT! NOW GET ON WITH IT!!!

Lupin: Okay, this spell is really, really hard, even though I can do it without words. One of the perks of awesomeness that comes with being the Authoress's second favorite character.

My Voice: Not in the movies, you're not.

Lupin: *grumbles* Stupid Hitler moustache and badly written dialogue.... Anyway, black cloaks can be killed with happy thoughts, so if you can make your happy thoughts solid, they can't get your motion blur! Any questions?

Harry: Nope, I think I'm good.

Lupin: Good! Now, find your happy place!

Harry: Got it!

Lupin: Good! *throws up the horns 'cause he's metal like that* Close your eyes.... you are getting verrrrry sleeeeepy....

(Fake) Black Cloak of Death: RAAAR!

Harry: *utterly fails at getting rid of it and passes out again*

Lupin: Here, have some chocolate. Well, if you can't get rid of a boggart with that, you're screwed against the real ones. What were you thinking?

Harry: Same thing everyone thinks when they think of happy thoughts. Flying!

Lupin's Sentient Moustache: Pffft. Loser.

Lupin: My fuzzy friend is right, Harry. You need something better. Now, you almost died last time, so let's do it again!

(Fake) Black Cloak of Doom: RAAAAR! AGAIN!

Harry: *manages to make the room shine*

Lupin: *laughs like a lunatic*

Shiny Glowy Happiness: *disappears*

Lupin: That was amazing! That was fantastic! That was brilliant! You're supposed to take weeks to learn that!

Harry: What can I say? It's a lot easier when your memories aren't even real.

Lupin: Those are the best kind! Have I mentioned that I loved your parents?

Harry: So did I. I think.

Lupin: There's only one thing to say at a poignant moment like this.

Harry: And what might that be?

Lupin: Here, have some chocolate.

*Later, we cut to the lake, where Hagrid is skipping shingles he ripped off the towers while dressed in the dead moles from Malfoy Manor that Luscious Mouthful didn't make hats out of*

Harry: Hagrid? Why are you crying? Did the hearing go okay?

Hagrid: *snifflesob* Lucius Malfoy is a big fat meaniehead and I don't like him! He's gonna kill my cute little horsy-bird!

*Black cloaks are ominous. As usual. We drift past their spooky selves, holding tightly onto our motion blur all the while, into the Gryffindor boys' dormitory, where Harry is stalking everyone in the school with his map and eating cookies. Suddenly, he sees something suspicious on the map... the name Peter Pettigrew*

Harry: *whispers dramatically* I see dead people....

Ron: *delivers the best line in the movie*

Harry: Time to go investigate this mystery! *prances out into the corridors, wand blazing, and highly visible* Invisibility Cloak? What Invisibility Cloak?

Portraits: Put your light out, assbag! Isn't anybody allowed to sleep in this place?

Peter Pettigrew: I'm coming!

Harry: Where?

Peter Pettigrew: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm coming!

Harry: Where?!

Peter Pettigrew: I'm RIGHT ON TOP OF YOU!

Harry: OMFG, WHERE ARE YOU?

Peter Pettigrew: Gone! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Snape: Hello, Harry. I am ACTING.

Harry: I can see that, sir. It's so much more overdone than normal acting.

Snape: I hated your father, by the way. In case you've forgotten.

Harry: Shut up, greaseball. And don't threaten me.

Snape: Turn out your pockets. It's time for everyone's favorite scene from the book.

Harry: *takes out the map... really, really slowly*

Snape: *really slowly, so he can show off his ability to ACT* Rrrreveeeeeeal... yooooour...seeeeeecret.

Harry: "Mr. Moony offers his compliments to Professor Snape and requests that he keep his abnormally large nose out of other peoples' business."

Snape: I am displeased. And ACTING. Not just acting.

Audience: What? What happened to the other three? WE WANTED TO SEE THAT!

Alfonso Cuarón: Too bad!

Screenwriters: LOLZWTFBIRDS.

Lupin: Hey, guys! My moustache wanted to be in this scene, too.

Snape: Potter has a piece of paper and it doesn't like me. You're the one who deals with this sort of unspeakable evil.

Lupin: ... you're an idiot. But I'll take it anyway. Come on, Harry.

*They go up to Lupin's office, and he brandishes the map at Harry*

Lupin: Your wonderful loving parents wouldn't want you risking your life with a map!

Harry: How do you know it's a map?

Lupin: If Sirius Black ever found this, he would have a map straight to you!

Harry: How do you know it's a map?

Lupin: That map would let him kill you easily!

Harry: How do you know it's a map?!

Lupin: Now go to bed! I'll be watching this map to make sure you do!

Harry: For the last time, how do you know it's a goddamn map?

Lupin: Go. To. Bed.

Harry: *finally gives up and leaves*

Audience: *fumes. We wanted that question answered!*

Harry: *pokes his head back into the room* Oh, by the way, I saw Peter Pettigrew on there. Just so you know. It's not accurate.

Lupin: Say what now?

*Harry leaves, and Lupin stands there with his mouth open*

Lupin's Sentient Mustache: What, no chocolate?

*Apparently not, because now we're in Divination class. Ron is asleep again, dreaming of that same girl, talking in a sweet, whimsical voice about Crumple-Horned Snorkacks*

Trelawney: Is everybody LOOOOOPY, yet? Ooh, Barry Rotter! Whassat in you shiny fog ball? *looks* Oh noes! It's the Grim again!

Hermione: You know, you're an idiot.

Trelawney: Well, you just don't understand this noble art! You can't go crazy well enough! Books are baaaad! Open your mind to the wonderful world of CRAAAAAZY!!!

Hermione: ... screw you then! *stalks out, knocking over a crystal ball*

Trelawney: Noooo! Not my shiny shiny ball! What did I say, anyway? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

*Later, Harry finds Trelawney's shiny shiny ball on the stairs*

Harry: I should go bring this back. It might uncover a plot point or something.

Ron: Careful, Harry! She might eat you!

*Harry ignores him, and sets the crystal ball on the table. He chances a glance into it and sees a masquerade ball filled with lots and lots of sparkles. David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly are inside, waltzing*

David Bowie's Voice: I'll be there for you... as the world falls down....

Little Man Inside the Crystal: Dammit, wrong film... Scary Gary Oldman, Scary Gary Oldman... aha!

*He gets the right film inside the little projector inside the crystal, and the plot of the movie returns to haunt Harry*

Sirius Black's Face: Raaar....

Harry: This place is even creepy when she's not around!

*But she is... and she's definitely on something new, because her voice is all echo-y*

Trelawney: PLOT POIIIIINTS... THEY WILL ATTACK.... BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN.... VAGUE AND OMINOUS THINGS... RAAAAAR....

Harry: Someone's clearly been experimenting with drug cocktails.

*He flees the crazy woman, and we fade out to the clocktower that has never been there before*

Ron: My rat is gone! Your cat must have eaten him! I don't like you, Hermione!

Hermione: Suck it up. No one likes your rat, anyway.

*An executioner leers at them as he polishes his shiny, shiny axe, and the Big Three make their way towards a random circle of giant rocks*

Hermione: Poor little horsy-bird! How could they kill this movie's resident Adorable Animal? No one killed Fluffy or the pixies!

Harry: I still can't believe the Authoress thinks Fluffy's cute....

Draco: Haha! The power of my rich and sexy father has prevailed!

Hermione: Not on my watch! Girl powers activate! *pins Draco to the random giant rock and proceeds to beat the ever-loving crap out of him*

Draco: *cries like a little girl and runs away*

Hermione: And stay away!

Audience: *sits there with their mouths open* Okay, I know she's not supposed to be that powerful.

Hermione: I am Emma Watson, hear me roar!

*Later, we find ourselves in Hagrid's Hut*

Hagrid: *snifflesobcry* My horsy-bird... I loved you! I loved yoooou! Dumbledore's nice. He's not leaving me alone.

Hermione: Neither are we! I just beat the shit out of Draco Malfoy, I'll be damned if some beheading is going to phase me!

Harry and Ron: *edge away*

Hagrid: No, you're too young and innocent. But I do have something for you. Hold onto your plot points, Ron! *gives Scabbers to Ron*

Audience Who's Read the Books: Dammit, why couldn't he just be dead?

My Voice: Patience, guys, just wait until Deathly Hallows.

Hermione: Oh, woe is me! Ron, you treated me so atrociously! I'm so victimized!

Ron: Just. Shut. Up.

*Suddenly, things explode and random rocks are flying into the house. Before anyone can figure out what the hell is going on, the Ominous Brigade appears, being ominous*

Hagrid: *sobs* Go! You need to advance the plot.

Hermione: It'll be okay, Hagrid! You're a good guy-- your pets have to be okay!

Hagrid: *sobs*

*Really scary music plays in the background as the trio walks incredibly slowly away from the hut. Hermione starts seeing things, which is actually foreshadowing, and they stand there pointlessly as the huge clock that wasn't there in the other two movies starts chiming. Suddenly, we see the executioner's axe fall on the censored hippogriff's head and crows go flying everywhere*

Hermione: *bursts into tears on Ron's shoulder*

Ron: ... um... get off of m-- ow! My plot point bit me!

Scabbers: Haha! Sweet Lady Freedom, here I come! *darts towards the Whomping Willow's new location. Ron stupidly runs after him*

Harry: And this is why he's comic relief. RON! YOU IDIOT, YOU'RE GOING TO GET CRUSHED TO DEATH!

Black Dog That Is Too Skinny: Hi, Harry! Mind if I borrow this? *drags Ron by the leg under the tree*

Hermione: Oh, no! What can we do?

Harry: We're heroes, aren't we? HARRY POTTER TO THE RESCUE!

*And so begins an entirely too long scene where Harry and Hermione get tossed around like ragdolls and Harry does some rather stupid things, like standing in the exact wrong spot when a branch comes to knock him in the face. Finally, though, they drop into a conveniently placed hole*

Hermione: *falls on Harry*

Harry/Hermione Shippers: *squee*

Hermione: Now I know that whole scene wasn't canon.

Harry: No, but it would make a pretty sweet ride for the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Come on, we're not done with our rescue! Da da da DAAAAA! Harry to the rescue!

*They burst into a decrepit room where everything is broken and covered in dust*

Audience: Why the hell is there a piano in the Shrieking Shack?

Ron: Harry! Hermione! Run away! It's the climax of the movie!

*Cue an effect that's actually pretty cool, where we follow paw prints to...*

Sirius Black: Mwahaha! It is I! THE PLOT!

Ron: If--

Hermione: If you want to kill Harry, you have to kill us, too!

Ron: Hermione, that was my line!

Hermione: No one wants to hear you talk. I'm so much better! *primps hair*

Sirius: Only one will die tonight. *smirk*

Harry: DEATH! DEEEEEEATH! *He attacks. We also see that Azkaban does not have the best dental benefits*

Sirius: Hehehe, loser. You can't--

*Suddenly, the door bursts open again*

Lupin's Sentient Mustache: FEAR OUR DRAMATIC ENTRANCE!

Sirius: Remus!

Lupin: Sirius!

Sirius and Lupin: SQUEEEEEE! *tackle-glomp each other, with much backrubbing and sketchiness*

Sirius/Remus Shippers: *die happy*

My Voice: Hey! Stop feeding the slashers! They bite!

Hermione: No! That's not a brotherly hug! I trusted you, and all this time, you've been his lover!

Sirius and Lupin: We're just friends!

Hermione: Oh, yeah, and he's a werewolf! That's why Snape had that little hissy fit in class!

Lupin: You're so smart, Hermione! Gold star for you!

Harry: How do you two know each other?

Sirius: You don't need to know that, it's important! Let's kill things now!

Lupin: Wait! We have to explain things!

Sirius: No, we don't!

Alfonso Cuarón: No, you don't! No plot for you!

Sirius: I wanna kill things!

Harry: You killed my parents, you big fat meaniehead!

Lupin: No, he didn't. That would make sense. Haven't you noticed that you're always wrong about stuff like that? Always?

Sirius: It was Peter Pettigrew! One, two, Padfoot's coming for you! Three, four, shut the door!

Lupin: Stop it, Sirius, they can't know who Padfoot is.

Sirius: Fine. But can I kill things now?

Snape: NO! *bursts in, ACTING* Caught, like rats in a trap!

Lupin: This isn't what it looks like.

Snape: Of course it is! I have the power of Alan Rickman on my side-- I can't possibly be wrong! And now... I menace you!

Sirius: Being Alan Rickman doesn't mean anything! You're still as stupid as you are greasy!

Snape: Shut up. Now. The black cloaks are going to suck out your motion blur and I'm going to laugh at you! Like this! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Harry: Think again, you slimy git! *utterly pwns Snape, completely forgetting the fact that it's supposed to take three spells to knock him out*

Hermione: Harry! You attacked a teacher!

Sirius: Brilliant! You're as good at killing things as I am!

Harry: Tell me about Peter Pettigrew.

Lupin: He was at school with us and he can turn into a rat. You don't need to know anything else, but Sirius is innocent!

Sirius: Can I kill things now?

Lupin: You're not helping yourself, you know.

*Suddenly, there's a flash, and Scabbers turns into...TIMOTHY SPALL!*

Harry: Let's see, one is Commissioner Gordon, and the other is the Beadle from Sweeney Todd with worse fingernails.... I'm convinced!

Pettigrew: Squeak! Squeak!

Sirius: Cut the act, Peter, we all know you suck! Have you ever known a Timothy Spall character that didn't screw everybody over?

Pettigrew: *bursts into tears* I didn't mean to! It's not my fault I'm wussy! J.K. Rowling wrote me that way!

Sirius: And she also wrote that I KILL YOU!

Harry: Wait! No! Don't kill him!

Sirius: *lip quivers, eyes go all big and shiny* B-b-b-but....

Harry: Let's have evil soul-sucking demons suck out his motion blur so he gets turned even worse than dead!

Sirius: Aha! You're a boy after my own heart!

*They march out of the hole all together, dragging Pettigrew and leaving Snape to die*

Sirius: Your father said I should stay a dog, Harry. But I couldn't kill things like that.

*They make it up into the fresh air, where Ron whines for a bit*

Sirius: Look at the purdy castle. I can't wait to go back in without everyone thinking I'm going to kill people.

Harry: I thought you liked killing people.

Sirius: I like killing things, Harry. Not people. Things.

Harry: ... right.

Sirius: Wanna ditch your horrible douche relatives and come live happily ever after with me?

Harry: Hot diggity, I'm there! Where do I sign?

*But before they can go pick out curtains, the clouds part to reveal that theeeeere's a bad moon on the rise!*

Lupin: *stops dead, jaw slackening, eyes turning yellow. It's not a pretty sight, folks*

Sirius: Noooo! Remus! *throws his arms around him* This heart is where you truly live! This flesh is only flesh! You can't change on me! I'll make out with you if I have to!

My Voice: STOP FEEDING THE SLASHERS!!!!!

*At this point, Lupin and his moustache are completely gone, replaced by this... thing*

Audience: WTF? What the hell is that?

My Voice: ... um... not a werewolf. I think it might be a sloth. A really, really big sloth with no hair.

Pettigrew: Chaos, panic, disorder... see you guys in the next movie! *transforms into a rat and runs away*

*And now for a dogfight. Bald Weresloth!Lupin kicks the crap out of Dog!Sirius, and Snape appears, shielding the Trio from harm with the power of his billowy cape*

Snape: I'll be damned if I give up five more movies' worth of ACTING just because our hero was mauled by a weresloth!

*Dog!Sirius staggers down to the lake and turns back into "I'm going to kill things"!Sirius... except wounded and half-conscious. Harry, being a dumbass, runs down to him, out of the protection of Snape's magic ACTING bubble*

Weresloth: FOOOOOOD.....

*Suddenly, another howl echoes over the night. Presumably, it's female, because Lupin decides it's more important than food, and even if he is a psychotic monster at the moment, he's still male.*

Weresloth: SEEEEEEX.....

*Harry runs over to Sirius and leans over his body. He's depressingly still, but as there are no curtains around, he can't be dead yet. His eyes snap open as everything starts to freeze over, and we all know what that means!*

Sirius: Nooo! Somebody protect my motion blur! I can't kill things without it!

Harry: Expecto Patronum! Expecto Patronum! Damn these fake memories! Damn them to hell!

*The hundred or so black cloaks of death get to the end of Sirius's motion blur when suddenly, a silver stag bursts from the darkness*

Black Cloaks of Death: AHHHH! NOOOOO! IT'S BAMBI! FLEE!!!! FLEEEEEEEE!!!

*They flee, and Sirius gets his motion blur back. All in a day's work for our resident hero, who then proceeds to very valiantly... pass out*

*He wakes up in the hospital wing*

Harry: I saw my dad!

Hermione: ... you're delusional. But Sirius is going to have his motion blur sucked out!

Harry: What? Oh, no! What will we do?

Dumbledore: Hi, guys! Looks like your heroism didn't work too well, did it? Miss Granger, would you like to show off so we can remedy that?

Hermione: It's about time! *takes an hourglass out of her shirt and lassoes Harry with its conveniently really long chain. The movie rewinds back to Hagrid's Hut, and it's time for the confusing part of the movie!*

Harry: What's going on here?

Hermione: Haven't you noticed that there's no time for proper explanations of anything in this movie? We've gone back in time to change something, and it's up to my amazing genius to do it!

Harry: What about me?

Hermione: Stay out of my way. This is my moment to show off, got it?

Harry: Yes, ma'am.

*Past Hermione beasts the ever-loving crap out of Draco, who comes running at Present Harry and Hermione, whining like a little girl*

Harry: Wow, Hermione, your girl power is scary.

Hermione: Don't you wish you could be this amazing?

Harry: Look! This movie's Adorable Animal is still alive!

Hermione: Of course! We're supposed to save it so Sirius can escape on it and survive for another two movies!

Harry: But what if he kills it?

Hermione: Shut up and get behind these conveniently large pumpkins.

Harry: So this is where Cinderella's coach came from! Come on, let's burst that horsy-bird out of here!

Hermione: No, dumbass, Fudge has to see him first. Do I have to do all the thinking around here?

*They sit around for a moment until Past Hagrid finds Scabbers*

Harry: Urge... to do... something stupid... rising....

Hermione: Fight it, Harry! Fight that urge!

Harry: I... can't... too strong....

Hermione: The useless Minister is coming, but we're not leaving. I know! Time to blow shit up! *throws rocks, and shit blows up* Maybe if I hit you in the head, you'd start thinking more. *throws a rock at Harry's head. Needless to say, her brilliant plan doesn't work* Damn. By the way, how does my hair look?

Audience: That is so not in character!

Alfonso Cuarón: Deal with it, she's a girl. All girls are supposed to care about is their appearance! Down with intelligence and empowered women! ... oh, shit.

*All the girls in the audience attack Cuarón, viciously mauling him until he vows never to direct a Harry Potter movie ever again. While they do so, Harry and Hermione have run into the woods*

Hermione: Come on, nice horsy-bird! Yummy ferrets!

Boys in the Audience: Buckbeak would LOVE Draco in the next movie.

Girls in the Audience: *still beating Cuarón within an inch of his life*

*Fudge, Dumbledore, and the executioner come out as Harry and Hermione are working on dragging two tons of horsy-bird into the woods*

Dumbledore: LOOK! A DISTRACTION!

Fudge: *gasps* Where?

*The idiocy of Fudge buys them the few seconds they need to run into the woods.*

Fudge: What? Wherever could it have gone? A creature that big could not possibly have torn a single strand of rope! Inconceivable!

Dumbledore: Huh. Weird. Well, I say we get drunk because I'm all out of ideas!

Executioner: I am not pleased! DIE, PUMPKINS! DIE, ALL OF YOU!

*He, indeed, kills pumpkins, and not horsy-birds. For the next fifteen minutes, they rehash all the stuff we already know-- Buckbeak's free, there's stuff under the Willow, Harry's delusional, you know, all that jazz. Finally, we get something new. The weresloth returns for vengeance!*

Hermione: It's time for the return of my girl power! AAH-OOOOOOOOOOOOH! Werewolves of London! AAH-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

Weresloth: WAAAARREN ZEEEEEEEVON.... *runs towards them*

Harry: You cannot tell me you thought this through!!!

Hermione: Oh, shut up, Harry! My genius powers saved your past self's life, didn't they?

Buckbeak: But now it's my turn! EAT TALON, WERESLOTH! *delivers the smackdown to that bald thing they told us was a werewolf*

Weresloth: RUN AWAAAAAY....

*Harry and Hermione dash off to the edge of the lake*

Hermione: Oh, no! They're sucking out Sirius's motion blur!

Harry: Don't worry, my dad will save us!

Hermione: They're still sucking out Sirius's motion blur!

Harry: He's coming, shut up!

Hermione: HARRY, GODDAMMIT, THEY GOT HIS MOTION BLUR! NOW GO DO SOMETHING!

Harry: Hey! I just had an epiphany! It was me! EXPECTO PATRONUM! Cower before the might of my fake memories, bitch!

Black Cloaks of Death: FLEEEE!!!!

*Now that that's taken care of, Harry and Hermione take off on Buckbeak's back, fortunately without a Titanic reference*

Harry: That was me I saw! Isn't it great! I feel smart for once!

Hermione: And I feel nauseous!

Harry: Don't throw up on me, I have a godfather to save!

*They land, and instead of using a simple "Alohomora" on the door locking Sirius in the Dark Tower (what kind of school has a Dark Tower?), Hermione blows the cell door to smithereens*

Harry: Was unlocking it too easy?

Hermione: Blowing shit up is always more fun!

Sirius: You're a girl after my own heart!

*Sirius gets on Buckbeak with them, and we look at the glory of the castle for another five minutes because we apparently haven't seen enough of it. Finally, we land in a courtyard that I don't think was there before*

Harry: So, can I still come live with you even though the entire world thinks you're an insane murderer and you're on the run?

Sirius: No, Harry! It's too dangerous! *strikes classic damsel in distress pose* I must go on... alone!

Harry: ... wow, you sound like an ass.

My Voice: Just wait two years, Harry. That's all I gotta say.

Sirius: Don't worry, you'll always be able to find me, your parents, Cedric, Dumbledore, Dobby, Lupin, Tonks, and everyone else who dies within the next few years right here. Inside your chest cavity. *gets up on Buckbeak*

Hermione: Hey! I'm in this scene too! Where are my compliments?

Sirius: Oh, right, you... Um... you're smart. Good job. *he leaves before she can bitch anymore, and the clock starts chiming midnight*

Hermione: Oh, no, Harry! We have to go, before our coach turns back into a pumpkin and our ball gowns into rags!

*They somehow make it up to one of the highest towers in a huge castle in about thirty seconds*

Hermione: We did it! Oh, yeah, I am amazing!

Harry: I'm the one who defeated a hundred soul-sucking demons by myself! All you did was complain!

Hermione: I know, but no one likes you, and I'm a goddess.

Dumbledore: *ambles past, randomly humming La Cucaracha. This is the most in-character thing we will ever see him do for the rest of the series.*

Ron: What the hell is going on? You just teleported!

Hermione: Oh, you stupid comic relief characters. Always seeing things you shouldn't be.

*Harry and Hermione burst out laughing for no real reason, and we fade out to yet another long shot of the grounds*

Audience: *tears their hair out in fury*

Alfonso Cuarón: *battered, bloodied, and bruised from his encounter with the girls* But it's so pretty!

*As the audience gives up any hope for this movie, Harry wanders into Lupin's office*

Lupin's Sentient Moustache: Why are you still following us everywhere?

Harry: You look like you were hit by a train.

Lupin: Don't worry, I'm not feeling too bad. I had some chocolate.

Harry: Why are you packing? You haven't been fired for looking like Hitler, have you?

Lupin: No, I resigned. People know I'm a weresloth now, and no one will like me anymore!

Audience: We don't like you because you look like Hitler, does that count?

Book!Remus Fangirls, Including the Authoress: *cry* What happened to our sexy werewolf?

Lupin: Don't worry, Harry! I'll be back in two movies, hopefully without my face weasel.

Lupin's Sentient Mustache: You'll miss me, don't deny it.

Lupin: So, with one final bad pun, I leave you. Mischief Managed! Oh, and if you're sad about me leaving, I have a piece of advice for you. Have some chocolate.

*Harry stands there looking emo, but it doesn't last long, because who couldn't be happy that we've arrived at the final scene of this train wreck?*

Ron: Harry! The director just realized he forgot to replace your broomstick, so he shoved this in there at the last minute! *gives Harry his Firebolt, way, way later than it was supposed to be*

Hermione: Way to fail, Cuarón. I mean, I've read about this broom. It was supposed to be a plot point!

Alfonso Cuarón: Puh-leez. Who needs plot points when you can have trees?

Audience: *growls*

Alfonso Cuarón: ... meep.

Ron: So, Harry, would you like to fly us out of this nightmare?

Harry: With pleasure! *He does so, screaming as his motion blur leaks out of the back of his head*

Audience: YES! It's over! Thank God!

My Voice: I hear you. I mean, yeah, these are the coolest credits ever, but this movie just can't be saved. Pity, that. It's my second favorite book. Let's hope Goblet of Fire is better!

Audience: Ha, fat chance.