The Weirdest Thing You'll Ever Read

Chapter 3

PigwidgEON explained in song why she wants us to call her Pigwidgirl, and we have just discovered that Ron likes a singer named Jack Brownson. Harry had commented on the fact that the song doesn't explain why PiwidgEON can talk, so PigwidgEON is about to sing another one...

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* I don't know if you guys noticed, but that song didn't explain how A She can talk.

PigwidgEON: Well I guess I'll have to sing another one, then...

Ron: I'm still not convinced that I'm not dreaming/hallucinating.

Author: *Pinches Ron.*

Ron: What was that for?

Author: Did it hurt?

Ron: Yes!

Author: Then you should be thanking me. Now at least you know that you're not dreaming.

PigwidgEON: I was ABOUT to sing!

All: Oh, yeah.

PigwidgEON: This song is... Excuse me, I'll be right back.

All: Look at each other with confused expressions, but then shrug their shoulders (Especially Harry who shrugs extra enthusiastically) and begin to have a "PigwidgEON is gone party" for 10 seconds, but then PigwidgEON comes back.

PigwidgEON: Much better. Let's continue.

PigwidgEON: This song is pointless

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* No kidding.

PigwidgEON: It has no point.

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* No kidding.

PigwidgEON: The point is missing.

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* No kidding.

Author: I didn't want to make you say that so many times, I only wanted you to say it three times.

PigwidgEON: There is no point here.

Hermione: He only said it three times.

PigwidgEON: It was going to have a point, it was going to explain why I can talk, but then I realized that I wanted to bore you into leaving.

Ron: It's working!

PigwidgEON: This song is pointless.

Hermione: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* No kidding!

Harry: HEY! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO'S ALLOWED TO SHRUG AND SMILE SMUGLY! And that's my line! How come you sang it?

Hermione: Because I felt like it.

PigwidgEON: This is a pointless song.

Ron: Okay, this is getting REALLY boring.

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* No kidding.

PigwidgEON: This pointless song is pointless.

Ron: Yawn.

PigwidgEON: There is no point here.

Susan Bones: You know Ron, if you had yawned, it would be in bold print and with little stars around it. You just said the word yawn.

PigwidgEON: The point is nonexistent.

Ron: *Thinking* Haha! She thinks I'm Ron!

Ron: Yes I know I said the word yawn; I just like the word yawn.

PigwidgEON: The point is missing.

Hermione: Quit it Hermione, you're embarrassing me!

Ron: Call me Ron in public or it looks like I'm talking to myself!

PigwidgEON: The point ran away to join the circus.

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* I'm so bored with this song; let's do something worthwhile while we're waiting for it to be over. *Starts discussing the meaning of life with Hermione and Ron. (And with that ugly little girl from the build a bear workshop commercial who sings "ooh sha la la, ooh ooh sha la la la" but no one knows how she got there so they just pretend that she's not there until she goes away.)*

Hermione correctly guesses the meaning of life, and according to the "rule" she is forced to die before she can tell others. Oh come on, don't tell me you don't know that rule! Like if you're dreaming and in your dream you find out the meaning of life and you have to die in your sleep? Or if you're dreaming that you're falling and if you hit the ground in your dream you die in your sleep? Well that's different. BUT OH WELL!

Ron: Ack!

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* RON!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Ron: I'm right over here, Harry.

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* What, how? *Goes into therapy.*

Ron: What an idiot! That was Hermione who died in my body, so the Author was forced to turn us back to our normal bodies. Wait, Hermione died? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Therapist: And how does that make you feel?

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* I haven't said anything yet.

Therapist: I know, but all therapists have to say that.

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* You're new to this aren't you?

Therapist: How did you know?

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* I'm psychic.

Therapist: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! *Goes into therapy.*

Therapist's therapist: And how does that make you feel?

Therapist: I haven't said anything yet...

Ron: *Sob*

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* You know Ron; you could just bribe/blackmail/threaten the Author into letting Hermione come back. *Poof*

Ron: That's a great idea Harry! Where are you?

Author I poofed him.

Ron: What is wrong with this world?????

Author: you.

Ron: I thought you liked me!

Author: I did, but really, it's no fun to have a character that you don't torment.

Ron: Well I'll ruin your story if you don't bring Harry and Hermione back!

Author: If you try to ruin my story I'll just poof you too.

Ron: Darn I didn't think of that. Wait a minute, if you poof me, who will you torture?

Author: I'm sure I can find someone...

Fred: Gwurmgle!

Therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist: And how does that make you feel?

Therapist: I haven't said anything yet...

PigwidgEON: Hey, everyone has forgotten about my song!

Harry: *Leaves therapy AND shrugs and smiles smugly* Because you forgot to keep singing it.

Ron: And because it was incredibly pointless and boring.

PigwidgEON: That was the point! To bore you to death!

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* Oh, so it has a point!

Ron: Its other point must be to lie to us!

PigwidgEON: Exactly!

Author: How did Harry get back?

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* I was bored so I decided to exist again.

Fred: You know, Author, this is the worst thing to do to a guy! Make him say a few stupid lines in a story and then leave him out of the rest! *Sobs*

Susan Bones: You think you have it bad? All I did was talk about the word yawn.

Fred: Well you're a minor character. I'm a major one (sorta); I shouldn't have to just say a few stupid lines!

Author: How dare you say my lines are stupid! I thought Gwurmgle was hilarious!

Ron: You're easily amused aren't you?

Author: How come you're suddenly brave enough to say stuff like that to me?

Ron: Because I know you're going to zap Fred, and if you zap him, then you won't want to zap me, cuz if you zap me you won't have anyone to torture.

Author: Actually I have Harry. But he's less fun to torture. I've got it! I won't zap Fred. I'll zap Ron instead!

Fred: Thanks Ron!

Ron: You're welcome!

Fred: I meant that sarcastically. Now she's gonna torture me all day. I'd rather be zapped.

Ron: That was my point. Yay! The torture ends here!

Author: And I'll bring everyone else back just cuz, I'm getting bored. Never mind, I'm not going to zap Ron, I need him to help his fellow classmates build a worshipping temple for me! Mwahahahaha! *Brings everyone back (Including Hermione.)*

Ron: Who really says "fellow" anymore anyway?

Author: Hey!

Ron: Well it's weird...

Everyone who just came back: Yay! We're back! And Pigwidgirl isn't singing any more!

PigwidgEON: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. *Begins singing*

But who cares about that?

Author: Narrator, go tell the Editor to take out all of PigwidgEON's singing lines. They're driving me crazy.

But you're the one writing them. Couldn't you just stop putting them in?

Author: Then the readers will think I'm an idiot cuz I made you write *Begins singing* and he's not singing!

The readers already think you're an idiot.

Author: Oh, yeah.

Editor: Why can't I be in this story? The only way anyone even knows I exist is because you told the Narrator to tell me something. I even forgot I exist!

Yay! You heard the Author tell me to tell you that, so I don't have to tell you! I can keep being lazy and just narrate!

Author: Go away; you're not in the story.

Editor: But if you put me in the story I won't have to go away! I just be lazy and edit, too!

Author: This is not in my script for the story, now go away!

Editor: *Goes away.*

Stories don't have scripts.

Author: MINE DOES! *Snarls, foams at mouth etc.*

Author: MY MOUTH IS NOT FOAMING!

Yes it is; I put bubble bath in your coffee.

Author: *Spits*

Ron: Hey! None of us characters have had a line in a very long time!

Author: Quiet you, I'm yelling at the Narrator.

Ron: What's the point of having a story where all that happens is that you get mad at us characters and vaporize us?

Good question. I bet a lot of readers are wondering that.

Author: Wait a minute Ron, aren't you and the other characters supposed to be building a shrine for me? You're lucky that you are or I'd vaporize you. Now get back to work! *Begins playing with Mr. Mouthy Mouth.*

All: Mr. Mouthy Mouth?

Author: Yes, Mr. Mouthy Mouth.

Therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist's therapist: I may need a little more help after seeing that.

Ron: That's a lot of really badly trained therapists. The number one rule of being a therapist is to stay calm.

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* How would you know that?

Ron: Mine told me that.

Hermione: I never would have guessed.

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* Why aren't we using magic to make this shrine?

Hermione: I'm surprised even I was that dumb. *Points wand and says "Abracadabra!"*

Harry: See? All our magic isn't made with unique words. That really is the shrine making spell.

Hermione: *Sizzle*

Author: I programmed your wands to electrocute you if you tried to slack off.

Ron: You evil fiend! *Sizzle*

Author: I also programmed them to electrocute you if you insult me!

PigwidgEON: Hey! I stopped singing!

Author: That's very odd because the Editor was too busy complaining to edit out your lines.

PigwidgEON: Well, it's too late now, I can't sing while I work!

Ron: You *Sizzle* can whistle while you *Sizzle* work.

Hermione: No he can't, *Sizzle* Ron, owls' beaks can't *Sizzle* bend to make the proper *Sizzle* position to whistle *Sizzle* through.

PigwidgEON: This is hard; these bricks are twice my weight!

Author: Bricks? I want it made of fine metals and jewels! Start over!

PigwidgEON: Hey, maybe I can sing while I work! Know any work songs?

Hedwig: Yeah! Let's do a duet!

Ron: An owl duet? I'll be right back. I need to go buy some earplugs.