The Weirdest Thing You'll Ever Read

Chapter 1

It's breakfast in the Great Hall, and Ron and Harry and Hermione are eating when Pigwidgeon flies in.

Hermione: You know you shouldn't say Ron and Harry and Hermione, you need to learn the proper use of commas.

Author: That's not the point of the introduction. You're supposed to be wondering why Pigwidgeon is here before mailing time.

Ron: Pigwidgeon, what are you doing here? How did you get out of the Owlry?

Author: There you go Ron. See Hermione, you should listen to Ron.

Hermione: *Looks scared.* Me??? Listen to him???

Pigwidgeon: Don't call me that! Call me Pigwidgirl!

Harry: *Stares in shock.* Ron??? Since when does Pigwidgeon talk???

Ron: I...don't...know...

Pigwidgeon: I said to call me Pigwidgirl!

Harry: Sorry... Pigwidgirl...

Ron: Okay... Pigwidgirl...

Pigwidgeon: Yay!

Pigwidgeon: Wait a minute, how come the Author is still calling me Pigwidgeon?

Author: Sorry Pigwidgirl.

Pigwidgirl: That's better.

Author: Wait a minute, why am I letting you boss me around? *Makes PigwidgEON disappear in a puff of smoke.*

Random voice from nowhere: You can't do this story without me you know.

Author: Ok fine I guess I'm forced to let you back in.

PigwidgEON appears out of thin air.

Ron: Hey let us talk! I thought this was a fan-fiction? Isn't a fan-fiction supposed to be like the books but with different storylines and stuff?

Hermione: Hey how come you're the one who knows stuff all of a sudden?

Author: Where did the storyline go?

Crabbe: I ate it.

Author: You're not supposed to be in this fic! You guys are taking over MY fic! I had the perfect storyline and you guys had to go and take over! *Sob* *Leaves.*

Yay! I, the Narrator, can now take over this fic! Now you all put on ice skates, this is gonna be a Harry Potter on ice the musical!

Harry: Oh, good job Crabbe, you made the Author cry, and now we have to sing.

Author: How are you still talking if the person who's writing you left to go cry?

I am now controlling your beloved characters! I have taken over this fic! *Disappears in a fiery ball*

Harry: How can the Narrator write about his own disappearance?

Author: Maybe he wrote that before he disappeared... but then how did he know he was going to disappear? Maybe he's psychic! Or maybe someone is using bold font that shouldn't be! Maybe we have a Narrator Impersonator...

Harry: Weren't you sobbing uncontrollably?

Author: Oh yeah. *Sobs*

Hermione: Way to go Harry you had to remind her. And now that the Narrator's gone, too, we can't talk or anything because there's no one to write us. Wait, if the Narrator is gone then who wrote "Sobs"?

Bwahahaha she only vaporized my Narrator dummy! *Real Narrator vaporizes.*

Ron: I don't know about you guys, but I'm still wondering how Pigwidgeo- uh... Pigwidgirl can talk.

Author: THANK YOU RON YOU SAVED MY STORYLINE!

Hermione: Hey how come you keep complimenting Ron?

Author: Because you're not sticking to the storyline and he is. As I said before, you should listen to him more often.

Hermione: Okay, usually I'm the one that gets complimented! Maybe we switched bodies or something!

Author: Can do. *Hermione and Ron switch bodies.*

Ron/Hermione: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Hermione (Ron's brain): I'm kind of freaked out about being a girl, but I'm also freaked out about Pigwidgirl, so can we please get back to that?

Author: Even in HER body, you're the greatest, Ron!

Ron (Hermione's brain): Mwahahaha... What evil things can I do with Ron's body? I just know that I'm keeping my pants on.

Harry: Hermione!

Ron: Sorry. And Ron, if you so much as TOUCH my skirt, I'll tell the world that you wear Barney underwear.

Hermione: *Gulps* You LOOKED?

Author: HELLO? WE HAVE A STORYLINE HERE!

All: Oh, yeah.

PigwidgEON: Okay, I get it, but if you're going to call me Pigwidgeon can you at least save me the embarrassment of capitalizing my EON?

Author: No.

Hermione (Remember, this is still Ron's brain): Since when do you talk Pigwidgirl? And why do you want to be called Pigwidgirl?

PigwidgEON: Let me explain why...in song!

Harry: *Shrugs and smiles smugly* Oh boy. This is going to be just like an episode of Barney isn't it?

Ron: I'm still puzzled about this. I was certain that an owl's beak could not move in the proper formations to make words. And I'm not convinced that owls have the proper vocal cords to either talk or sing.

Hermione: What are you going to sing Pigwidgirl?

PigwidgEON: There just happened to be this really cool song that perfectly fit my needs, called "Why Pigwidgeon the owl can suddenly talk, sing, and wants to be called Pigwidgirl."

Hermione: That's strangely specific.