NO! PLEASE! NOOOOOOO!

NO! PLEASE! NOOOOOOO By Muffy

Chapter One

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl. She was so beautiful that she had to be hidden in a tower. However, one day she was so beautiful that Albus Dumbledore dreamt about her and fell in love with her. "Wow," the love-struck professor said, "this Dudley'sGirl is HOT! I want to marry her! But she's stuck in a tower, how shall I ever find her? I know! I'll send a letter for her to join Hogwarts! Man she makes me horny!" So then Dumbledore spent the rest of the night erm . . . 'thinking' about Dudley'sGirl.

The next day Dudley'sGirl awoke from her slumber, with no sleep in her eye, no drool on her pillow and her hair perfectly groomed (she was magical and unicorns LOVED her!) and a letter arrived. "Cool!" she exclaimed, "I have a letter! And it's not from my thousands of admirers! (Dudley'sGirl was so beautiful that she appeared in every man's dream, within a hundred mile radius.) I wonder who could have sent it?" Then she opened it and found out she might already be a winner! "Cool!" she squealed, "JUNK MAIL!" She was so nice she even got happy about junk mail! But then, after she had written a nice thankyou letter to the senders of the junk mail, she discovered that Dumbledore had sent her a letter:

Dear Miss Dudley'sGirl,

I don't know how I got your address, or how I know your name, but I do! Don't bother asking why I am only now introducing you to the school, even though you're over eleven years old, of why I am writing to you personally when it should be McGonagall, because you're just SO LOVELY! I LOVE YOU! This letter is to inform you that I want you . . . I mean at Hogwarts! And that you'll need a whole lot of stuff which I can't be stuffed to tell you, cause you'll have it anyway!

Love and huggles forever,

Dumbledore.

"Cool!" Dudley'sGirl shouted. "This is the nicest letter written to me, except for that junk mail . . . still, I think I'll go to Hogwarts! It'll be fun- a-riffic!" And with that she skipped merrily off to breakfast.

Now let me describe this Dudley'sGirl. She was just above average height, but never looked down on people, even if they're short. She had wonderful, silvery blonde tresses that cascaded down to the small of her back. Her ears were slightly pointed at the tips, giving her face a rather elvan look, which made people think that she was really the queen of the fairies, and guess what? She WAS! But she was so nice she let a little orphan fairy become queen whilst Dudley'sGirl was living in the tower.

Her skin was unblemished and a clear white, which suited her straight, even, pearly white teeth, which NEVER have broccoli stuck in them! She was also of slim build, with small, neat bones and long, curved nails, which NEVER break. She also had a well-turned ankle, which is good because she exercised every day, without even breaking out into a sweat! Another aspect, which is most peculiar, is that her eyes could change colour with her emotions! So when she was happy, they turned blood red, and when she was sad they were a radiating yellow!

So then she went to Hogwarts and arrived in the middle of breakfast. "OH WOW!" Shouted all the guys, except Harry Potter and his stupid side-kick. The only reason Harry and Ron didn't fall in love with this Mary-s . . . uh Dudley'sGirl was because they were actually GAY! They loved . . . Hermione! Anyway, as Dudley'sGirl walked past the Slytherins' table Draco Malfoy jumped up and bowed down to her.

"Oh great and wondrous Venus, mine heart is much enamoured with thy beauty. Thy heart and mind is pure and I long to make myself worthy of its love, tell me, even though I shall never deserve even a look from your divine features, that I might hope?" And Draco drivel . . . umm . . . talked like this for a long time. See, Dudley'sGirl was so beautiful and had such undiscovered powers that she could make guys talk like Shakespeare whenever she walked by. Anyway, Dudley'sGirl was very loyal and she already had a boyfriend. So she said, "Sorry Draco, but I can't, you see . . . I'm in love . . . with another man . . . let's . . . just be friends."

"NO!" Draco screamed, "LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING WITHOUT YOU!" So Draco went and cried and cried. But then, because he has SUCH a nice arse, he discovered Dudley'sGirl's twin (Draco'sgirl) who was really nice, even though she couldn't possible be as nice as Dudley'sGirl, and they fell in love and had many kids.