The Hogwarts Players Present

Act the First: Part 1

Ron Has Some More Problems, Draco Gets His, and the Hufflepuffs Are Traumatized

After

Harry's exit, the stage is set for the factory that VALJEAN, now the mayor of Montrieul-sur-Mer, owns. It's five years after the "bishop incident." The backdrop is a sooty brick wall, and there's a table center stage for the FOREMAN.

As the interlude music draws to an end, a CHORUS made up of

Gryffindor and Slytherin girls (including Lavender Brown, Ginny Weasley, Parvati Patil, and Millicent Bulstrode) filters in from the wings, forming little groups on either side of the stage. Ron enters after the girls as the FOREMAN. This time, he's in the correct costume, looking very seedy--his white shirt and open vest have spots of grease on them, and his hands are covered in dirt. He also managed, using a quick bit of magic, to turn his hair from red to brown, complete with a bald spot.

There are some gasps of "Ewww!" from the audience when they see

Ron saunter onstage. Ears red, Ron puts a money-box down on his table, and prepares to dole out "pay" to the "workers" as the girls begin the song:

AT THE END OF THE DAY

GRYFFINDORS AND SLYTHERINS (dramatically, out to the audience)

At the end of the day it's another day over,

And that's all you can say for the life of the poor.

It's a struggle, it's a war,

And there's nothing that anyone's giving.

One more day standing about,

What is it for?

One day less to be living!

The CHORUS lines up to get their pay from

Ron, who is standing behind his table at center. He's not quite sure how to play the surly, "Mr.-Sexual-Harassment" role of the FOREMAN, but he's doing his best; he's scowling a little, and eyeing all of the girls as they take their pay from him.

RON (handing out coins to the CHORUS members as they reach him)

At the end of the day you get nothing for nothing.

Sitting flat on your butt doesn't buy any bread.

Ron looks pleased with himself--he got through his first line okay.

As the workers get paid, they come out closer to center stage. Lavender, Ginny, and Parvati are in a cluster downstage left, while Millicent and two Random Slytherins stand downstage right.

RANDOM SLYTHERIN GIRL

Have you seen how the foreman is fuming today?

With his terrible breath and his wandering hands?

Parvati, Lavender, and Ginny dissolve into silent giggles. They keep sneaking looks at Ron, who is still paying the last of the CHORUS.

Ron tries to lighten the seriousness of the scene by making little grabby motions with his hands and wiggling his eyebrows at the audience. A Random Gryffindor chorus girl, noticing, kicks him in the shin as she collects her money. Ron winces, then gets back to his scowling lasciviousness (or the closest approximation Ron can make).

MILLICENT BULSTRODE

It's because little Fantine won't give him his way.

Now the giggling is more pronounced from everyone onstage, except for

Millicent and Ron. Ginny looks torn between amusement and embarrassment, since it's her brother they're talking about. There are also scattered snickers and cat-calls from the audience--even Dumbledore can be heard stifling a little chuckle with a cough. They all know who's playing the role of FANTINE, after all.

One of the

Random Slytherins in Millicent's little cluster takes a deep breath to control her laughter long enough to give her line:

RANDOM SLYTHERIN GIRL #2 (red in the face from laughing)

Take a look at his trousers, you'll see where he stands!

At this line, everybody on stage cracks up completely. They try to hide it by biting their knuckles or clamping their hands over their mouths, but it's no use. The audience explodes in uproarious laughter as well, until

McGonagall loses it and casts a temporary silencing charm on the louder offenders. Ron, meanwhile, blushes furiously and busies himself with the money box.

LAVENDER (very shrilly, choking back giggles)

And the boss, he never knows

That the foreman is always in heat.

She gives a little squeak of laughter, then has to bury her head in

Ginny's shoulder to muffle it. Ginny and Parvati are also shaking with suppressed giggles.

From offstage:

DRACO: Eww, I don't even want to THINK about it...The Weasel in that context...ugh...Weasel King and the Mudblood...so wrong...just...no...

PANSY: Draco, are you okay?

DRACO: No, I think I'm having some kind of stroke...

And the song goes on:

MILLICENT (not laughing, simply looks bored)

If Fantine doesn't look out, watch how she goes--

She'll be out on the street!

Hermione as FANTINE enters from SR. She's wearing a green dress with very pouffy sleeves (it's obvious that Dumbledore has seen Les Miz performed before), and she looks a lot cleaner than the rest of the workers.

Ron, who has put the money box away, looks at Hermione when she enters and follows her progress across the stage with interest.

The CHORUS members nudge each other and point at him, smirking. When Ron sees them, he forgets himself and mouths "I'm ACTING!" , then goes back to watching Hermione amid knowing giggles.

Meanwhile, Hermione has been crossing to stage left, reading a letter. Millicent steps in front of her, blocking her path. She grabs Hermione's letter and holds it aloft, Hermione struggling to get it back. Millicent plants her hand right in the middle of Hermione's face to keep her at bay as she begins:

MILLICENT

And what have we here, little innocent sister?

(reading from letter)

"Dear Fantine, you must send us more money,

Your child needs a doctor,

There's no time to lose!"

HERMIONE (shoving Millicent's hand away)

Give that letter to me, it is none of your business!

With a husband at home and a bit on the side.

Nobody onstage (except

Hermione and Millicent) can help smirking at that one, considering that it's Millicent Bulstrode. There's an audible "Ha! Yeah, right!" from Pansy and Draco backstage.

HERMIONE (undaunted, to CHORUS at large)

Is there anyone here who can swear before God

She has nothing to fear, she has nothing to hide?

Catfight ensues over the letter. Actually, a catfight is supposed to ensue, but

Millicent, with her considerable bulk, knocks Hermione flat immediately. Ron winces as Hermione lands, and then runs forward to plant himself in between the girls. Hermione pulls herself to a sitting position, rubbing the back of her head (having smacked it against the stage when she fell).

Harry enters from SR. Now, his hair is a neat, uniform gray, held back in a loose ponytail. In place of convict clothes, he's wearing a rich-looking waistcoat and a starched white shirt. Harry helps Hermione up, then has to hold her arms to keep her from lunging at Millicent.

HARRY

Will someone tear these two apart?

This is a factory, not a circus. (releases Hermione)

I run a business of repute,

I am the mayor of this town.

(to

Ron) I look to you to sort this out, and be as patient as you can.

Harry exits stage left, after one final glance at Hermione and Millicent. Ron puts his hands on his hips, trying to look authoritative, but he quails when he looks up at Millicent and realizes how big she really is.

RON (a tad nervously)

Now someone say how this began!

MILLICENT

At the end of the day, she's the one who began it!

(she gestures violently at

Hermione, as Ron takes a nervous step away from Millicent)

There's a kid that she's hiding in some little town.

(crosses her arms over her chest, thoroughly enjoying the following lines)

There's a man she has to pay,

You can guess how she picks up the extra!

You can bet she's earning her keep, sleeping around.

The CHORUS and

Ron are all having trouble with the idea of Hermione "sleeping around." They make twisted faces as they try to stop themselves from laughing. Sniggering can be heard from Draco and Pansy offstage.

HERMIONE (annoyed with the other actors, determined to be serious)

Yes, there's a child, and the child is my daughter.

Her father abandoned us, leaving us flat.

She lives with an innkeeper man and his wife,

And I pay for the child, what's the matter with that?

The rest of the actors onstage are heartened by

Hermione's seriousness, and manage to get back into character. All except for Ron, that is--he's eyeing Hermione very strangely, as though trying to convince himself that this is all pretend.

GRYFFINDORS AND SLYTHERINS (closing in around Ron and Hermione)

At the end of the day she'll be nothing but trouble!

And there's trouble for all when there's trouble for one!

While we're earning our daily bread,

She's the one with her hands in the butter!

Ron snorts with laughter at that line. Under Hermione's glare, he quickly covers it with a cough.

GRYFFINDORS AND SLYTHERINS

It's us who'll have to pay

At the end of the day!

Ron is so determined not to mess up, a la the Bishop scene, that he's not really thinking about what he says to Hermione next. The audience sure realizes, though, and their snickering gets progressively louder with each line.

RON (to Hermione, arms folded over his chest)

I might've known the bitch could bite,

I might've known the cat had claws,

I might've guessed your little secret.

Ron finally starts to realize exactly what he's saying, and gets more embarrassed with each line. The Gryffindor girls are all sniggering to themselves as Ron turns redder and redder. Lavender and Parvati finally have to run offstage left, absolutely convulsing with laughter.

Hermione is thoroughly annoyed with the cast's unprofessionalism now, and is trying desperately to mask it. A muscle in her jaw starts to twitch as Draco and Pansy begin to laugh hysterically backstage.

RON (looking at Hermione's feet)

Ah, yes, the virtuous Fantine.

Who keeps herself so pure and clean.

You'd be the cause, I had no doubt.

Of any trouble hereabout.

Ron has visible trouble with the delivery of this next line. Even Harry can be heard to give an embarrassed sort of chuckle from backstage, which doesn't help. Ron gets it out as fast as possible, slurring the words.

RON (covering his eyes with one hand, mortified)

You-play-a-virgin-in-the-light-but-need-no-urging-in-the-night!

Ron buries his face in his hands and turns quickly away from Hermione, who glares after him. But as FANTINE has just been sacked, it works.

MILLICENT

She's been laughing at you while she's having her men!

Offstage,

Draco stops laughing and lets out a nasty sort of whoop instead, while Pansy giggles.

GRYFFINDORS AND SLYTHERINS

Sack the girl today!

RON (still turned away, face in his hands)

Right my girl.

On your way!

He waves sort of vaguely over his shoulder, then makes a very quick, humiliated exit stage right. He is followed by the CHORUS, who all smirk at one another as they leave.

Hermione is left alone center stage, glowering after them. Then she remembers that she's onstage, and pastes a shocked, humiliated FANTINE-look on her face. She manages a slow, stately exit stage right. Blackout.

As

Hermione leaves, we hear from backstage:

DRACO: Way to go, Weasel King!

RON AND HARRY: SHUT IT, MALFOY!!

DRACO: Well, what do you know? I guess the Mudblood DOES have taste!

Scufflings, grunts, and scrapings are heard, then:

PANSY: NO! PUT THE BILLY CLUB DOWN!

There's a thumping noise, a loud thud, and a whimper of pain from Draco.

PANSY: Draco! DRACO!! Are you okay?

DRACO: errggg...nooo...

Ron and Harry snigger as the next song begins:

LOVELY LADIES

During the blackout, a CHORUS made up of Hufflepuff girls and boys filters onstage from both wings. The boys are SAILORS. The girls are PROSTITUTES--wearing corset tops and petticoats, and looking shamed beyond all reason. Actually, all the Hufflepuffs look shamed beyond all reason. The PROSTITUTES freeze in a tight cluster center stage, hardly moving. They just can't bring themselves to act like dock whores. There are two Slytherin SAILORS, cast with the hope that they could get things moving during this scene. They're the ones standing downstage right who don't look scared out of their minds.

SLYTHERIN #1 (with gusto)

I smell women, smell'em in the air!

Think I'll drop my anchor in that harbor over there!

He gestures at the nearest Hufflepuff PROSTITUTE, who gasps, horrified. She looks ready to faint.

SLYTHERIN #2 (eyeing all of the Hufflepuff girls lasciviously)

Lovely ladies, smell'em through the smoke!

Seven days at sea can make you hungry for a poke!

There's some embarrassed laughter from the audience--nobody was quite ready for such graphic language in a Hogwarts Production.

The SAILORS both look expectantly at the cluster of PROSTITUTES, waiting for them to start singing. Finally they do, looking at the floor or up at the lighting booth.

HUFFLEPUFF GIRLS (so quietly you can hardly hear them)

Lovely ladies, waiting for a bite,

Waiting for the customers who only come at night.

Lovely ladies, ready for the call,

Standing up or lying down or any way at all.

Every single

Hufflepuff on stage looks horrified at the very idea. The Slytherins shake their heads in annoyance.

HUFFLEPUFF GIRLS (muffled, as they're all hiding their faces)

Bargain prices up against a wall.

Now all of the

Hufflepuff girls really look like they're going to be ill. The two Slytherins give up, and muttering to each other, exit stage right. The Hufflepuff SAILORS, meanwhile, mill around the edges of the stage, not coming anywhere near the knot of PROSTITUTES center stage.

Dumbledore, understanding the inhibitions of the Hufflepuffs, kindly edited out the raunchy round between the SAILORS and PROSTITUTES. Now, there's a brief musical interlude to the tune of "Lovely Ladies," during which the Hufflepuffs all just stand around, too ashamed to move or look at one another.

Ron enters from left toward the end of the interlude, this time correctly in his PIMP costume, his hair changed back to normal. He struts over to the knot of PROSTITUTES, who all back away about a foot. Ron looks confused, then shakes it off.

Hermione enters at the same time as Ron, from stage right. She's lost her pouffy sleeves and is dressed in a similar manner to the PROSTITUTES. Hermione looks around nervously, hugging herself and looking pretty pathetic (which is what she's going for). Ron sees her and panics.

RON (going a little red)

[spoken] Oh no! Not again! I'm not over the last number!

Hermione glares at him briefly. Ron collects himself, and gets back into his swaggering character.

RON (beckoning Hermione with walking stick, not looking directly at her)

Come along and join us, lovely lady!

There's an awkward pause as

Hermione waits for the PROSTITUTES to come over to her. None of them move, so Hermione makes her way discreetly over to the circle of Hufflepuffs. Still, nobody sings, so Hermione nudges the Hufflepuff nearest her. The Hufflepuff shakes her head wildly, mouthing "Nononono!" But when Hermione glares, she reluctantly and nervously begins to sing:

RANDOM HUFFLEPUFF (not looking at Hermione)

Come on dearie, why all the fuss?

You're no grander than the rest of us.

Life has dropped you at the bottom of the heap.

(she gulps, and with difficulty, sings the next line)

Join your sisters, make money in your---

The poor

Hufflepuff finally cracks. She buries her face in her hands, and peers at Hermione through her fingers:

HUFFLEPUFF: (sotto voice) Hermione, I'm so sorry! I...I just can't do this!!

With that, the

Hufflepuff flees offstage right. The other Hufflepuffs quickly follow, glad to have an excuse to leave. Snatches of conversation can be heard, like; "I'm traumatized!" "Do you think Dumbledore will offer post-show therapy?" "I can't do this again!" etc.

From offstage, we can hear:

HARRY: (stifling a little laugh) Oh no...

SEAMUS: (also chuckling a bit) Those poor Hufflepuffs.

HARRY: They should've just let Slytherins do this scene. Hufflepuffs just aren't up for this sort of thing.

SEAMUS: Yeah. Hey, look--you can see Hermione's jaw twitching from here!

HARRY: You only need to worry when you can see the vein in her forehead pulsing...uh-oh...

Hermione's twitch is indeed back, and her forehead vein is indeed beginning to throb. She's standing there sputtering center stage after the Hufflepuffs leave. She's completely shocked that anyone could just refuse to do a scene. Ron, however, looks pretty amused.

The audience thinks it's part of the show, and the Hufflepuff section starts to cheer. A glare from McGonagall shuts them up. Dumbledore can be heard:

DUMBLEDORE: (whispering) Minerva...do you think I should have just let Slytherins do this scene?

The music for the next chorus gears up, and Hermione and Ron, standing center stage, try to decide what to do, sotto voice:

RON: (conversationally) So... now what?

HERMIONE: Stop smirking! This isn't funny!

RON: Really? I thought that was right amusing...The Hufflepuff Exodus!

HERMIONE: "Exodus?" Where'd you pick up that word?

RON: (nettled) I'm not as dumb as I look!

There's a pause as Ron thinks over what he just said.

RON: Wait a minute...

HERMIONE: (back to task at hand) All right, let's just skip to my next part, where I proposition the sailor.

RON: (suddenly blushing) Do we have to?

HERMIONE: Ron, you're so exasperating! Yes we have to! Why are you asking?

RON: (embarrassed) Um, no reason. Okay then.

HERMIONE: (getting it) It's acting, Ron...

RON: (now thoroughly embarrassed) I know, I know! Listen, it's your cue. Goodbye.

Ron exits hastily stage left. Hermione summons all of her acting prowess, and has to play this next part to thin air, as all of the SAILORS are gone.

HERMIONE (to a bare space at her right)

Come on, Captain, you can wear your shoes.

Don't it make a change to have a girl who can't refuse?

(out to audience)

Easy money, lying on a bed,

Don't they know they're making love to one already dead?

Theodore Nott as BAMATABOIS enters from left, spies Hermione, and looks her over suggestively.

From backstage:

RON: Harry, budge up, I can't see.

HARRY: You're sure you want to watch this part?

RON: (vaguely) Why wouldn't I?

HARRY: (you can HEAR him rolling his eyes) Oh, no reason...

NOTT (to audience, very suggestively)

Here's something new, I think I'll give it a try.

Nott saunters over to Hermione center stage, who sees him and starts to back away.

NOTT

Come closer you, I like to see what I buy.

He takes the liberty of using his walking stick to try and lift up the hem of

Hermione's skirt. There are shouts of "Eww, gross!" and "Oh my God, no!" from the Gryffindors in the audience. McGonagall, seeming to share their opinion, does nothing to quiet them.

Ron can be heard sputtering from backstage:

RON:

We didn't rehearse that!! That slimy, mother-loving son of a...

HARRY: Ron! Will you calm down? It's only...

RON: (finishing for him) Acting? Harry, that's not acting! That's...a violation!!

HARRY: But you know what comes next...

RON: (brightening a bit) Oh, yeah...Go, Hermione!

HERMIONE (jumping away from Nott and smoothing her skirt down)

I don't want you!

NOTT (grabbing Hermione's arm)

You've got some nerve, you little whore,

You've got some gall!

HERMIONE (wrenches her arm away, furious)

I'll kill you, you bastard, try any of that!

Hermione slaps Nott hard across the face, sending him reeling. Almost the entire audience, Dumbledore included, cheers.

HERMIONE

Even a whore who has gone to the bad won't be had by a rat!

She slaps

Nott again, knocking him down. There are more cheers and shouts of "Girl-power!" from the audience as Nott lands hard on the stage.

From offstage:

RON: Go, Hermione!!

HARRY: Yeah, Hermione!

They both whoop, laughing, and

Hermione grins slightly toward the wings.

FANTINE'S ARREST

The music changes, and from stage right storms

Draco, billy club in hand and looking a bit older than the last time we saw him. He also has a little cut on his forehead, from where Ron brained him with the billy club backstage. Crabbe and Goyle, CONSTABLES, follow behind him.

DRACO (singing as he stalks across the stage)

Tell me quickly, what's the story?

Who saw what and why and where?

He reaches

Hermione and Nott, who is still dazed on the floor. With an exasperated sigh, Draco helps Nott to his feet.

DRACO

Who laid hands on this good man here,

What's the substance of this brawl?

NOTT (recovering)

Javert, would you believe it--

I was crossing from the park.

When this prostitute attacked me!

He gestures at

Hermione, who looks shocked. Draco sneers at her before turning back to Nott.

NOTT (showing Draco the slap marks on both sides of his face)

You can see she left her mark!

DRACO (rubbing his own cheek unconsciously--he can remember being slapped himself)

She will answer for her actions when you make a full report.

You may rest assured, M'sieur, that she will answer to the court.

Nott nods his thanks to Draco, then exits, holding his stinging face in his hands and muttering, "God, that really wasn't necessary..."

Harry enters from stage right just as Nott leaves. He sees the CONSTABLES, JAVERT, and FANTINE center stage, and hangs back in the shadows to see what happens.

Hermione falls to her knees in front of Draco, who scowls and steps away, to make sure Hermione doesn't touch his shoes or anything.

HERMIONE (begging)

There's a child who sorely needs me!

Please, M'sieur, she's but that high.

Holy God, is there no mercy?

If I go to jail she'll die!

DRACO (unmoved, sneering down at Hermione)

I have heard such protestations every day for twenty years.

Let's have no more explanations, save your breath and save your tears.

Draco gestures to Crabbe and Goyle, who grab Hermione's arms, preparing to haul her to her feet. Before they can, however, Harry storms over to the group in full "mayor-mode." He places himself in between Draco and Hermione.

Crabbe and Goyle drop Hermione's arms, as Draco scowls.

HARRY (to Draco)

A moment of your time, Javert

I do believe this woman's tale.

DRACO (shocked)

But M'sieur Mayor!

HARRY (holding up a hand to shut Draco up)

Where will she end,

This child without a friend?

Harry looks down at Hermione kindly, taking a closer look at her face. Hermione has recognized VALJEAN (factory owner, remember?), and is staring at Harry incredulously. Harry doesn't seem to notice her expression as he continues in a fatherly way:

HARRY

I've seen your face before.

Show me some way to help you.

He kneels down beside

Hermione and puts a hand on her shoulder, as Draco gestures for Crabbe and Goyle to leave. The CONSTABLES exit stage right, as Harry goes on:

HARRY

How have you come to grief

In such a place as this?

HERMIONE (moving her shoulder away from Harry)

M'sieur, don't mock me now I pray.

You let your foreman send me away.

Yes, you were there, and turned aside.

Harry looks at Hermione with his mouth hanging open, shocked. Draco snorts with disgust and turns away from this emotional display, arms folded over his chest.

HERMIONE (sounding near tears)

I never did no wrong..

HARRY (out toward audience, to himself)

Is it true what I've done?

HERMIONE

My daughter's close to dying.

HARRY

To an innocent soul?

HERMIONE (looking skyward)

If there's a God above,

He'll let me die instead.

Draco is looking ill from all of this teary emotional stuff. He's turned almost completely away from Harry and Hermione, with an impatient, disgusted sort of sneer on his face. He rolls his eyes every once in a while. Harry and Hermione take no notice of him, as Harry stands up, looking determined.

HARRY (decided)

In His name, my task has just begun.

I will see it done!

Harry leans down to help up Hermione, who stands a little shakily, looking at Harry with that same dumbstruck expression. He keeps one arm around her shoulders, and starts to help her offstage right.

Draco had turned back around when Harry stood. Now Draco looks both shocked and angry--his prisoner is getting away! He puts out an arm to stop Harry.

DRACO

But M'sieur Mayor!!

Harry rounds on Draco.

HARRY (angrily)

I will see it done!!!

With that,

Draco stops protesting, and stands there gaping with his arm still outstretched as Harry helps Hermione the rest of the way offstage. The audience (except the Slytherin section) claps and cheers, and Dumbledore gives a shout of "Well done, Valjean!" There is lengthy applause, during which we hear:

DUMBLEDORE: (to McGonagall, over the clapping) That's one of my favorite parts, you know--Valjean's rescue of Fantine.

MCGONAGALL: (still applauding) Yes, I know. Mr. Potter and Miss Granger are doing well, aren't they?

SNAPE: (also applauding, a little less enthusiastically) Don't let us forget Mr. Malfoy--he's giving a commendable performance as well.

MCGONAGALL: Yes, I suppose.

DUMBLEDORE: (still clapping appreciatively) They're all doing well. (he pauses, then chuckles a little) Poor Mr. Weasley...

MCGONAGALL: (smiling in spite of herself) I know.

Finally the applause dies down, and the next number can begin.