The Hogwarts Players Present

Before The Show

The curtain is closed, and the auditorium (yes, Hogwarts has an auditorium) is filling up with students. The orchestra is tuning up as the four houses and professors take their seats. After a moment,

Dumbledore walks onto the stage. Over the various screeches and honks of the instruments, he begins:

DUMBLEDORE: Welcome, students and staff, to this years school musical--Les Miserables: School Edition!

Here

Dumbledore pauses for applause, smiling at the assemblage. There is some scattered clapping from the audience; nobody seems to be extremely excited. Undaunted, Dumbledore continues:

DUMBLEDORE: While Les Miserables is an excellent musical, it is also an extremely LONG musical. I remember going to a production in the West End a number of years ago--what a production that was! Of course, I found myself almost permanently wedged into my seat when I attempted to get up during intermission, just from sitting there so long. You know, that was the same production during which the rotating stage failed to work properly, and...

MCGONAGALL: *coughs, and gives Dumbledore a LOOK from her seat in the front row*

DUMBLEDORE: (seeing McGonagall) Oh, yes, of course! Well, that's a story for another time. My point was that, although Les Miserables is a musical best seen in its entirety--bit of a complicated plot, you know--Professor McGonagall and myself have decided that this performance for the school will be more of a preview.

There is a blank silence from the students. Or a completely uninterested one, it's hard to tell which.

DUMBLEDORE: By "preview," I mean of course that today's showing will only include some songs from each act. Perhaps the extraordinary performances and beautiful music will entice you to come see the full show!

Dumbledore starts to walk offstage, then returns to center as though just remembering something.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, and remember: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you!

Smiling beatifically at the audience,

Dumbledore walks offstage and takes his seat front row center next to McGonagall.

Backstage, meanwhile, the cast is going slightly mad...

BACKSTAGE:

Chaotic. There are random first year chorus members milling around everywhere, not sure what they're supposed to be doing. Hermione is singing scales while simultaneously trying to get her Arithmancy homework done. Ron is checking and re-checking the script, making sure of all of his entrances for his various parts. Luna is sitting dreamily on a box marked PROPS, just staring into space and humming bits of "One Day More" to herself. Seamus is strutting around pretending to rob people, under the pretense of "getting into character." Colin is running around with his camera, trying to take pictures of everybody as mementos. Cho and Cedric are...er... "rehearsing" near the stage doors. Pansy is chasing around a harassed Draco, who can't find his billy club. And Harry Potter, our star, is still in the dressing room, trying to transform himself into an old man for the part of VALJEAN.

DUMBLEDORE'S VOICE: (magically magnified into the backstage area) Fifteen minutes until curtain, children!

There are little screeches from the assembled cast as they try to get in gear for the opening number.

DRACO: Parkinson, get OFF me! (to room at large) WHERE is my billy club?!

A group of first years scatter as

Draco charges at them, looking for the club.

HARRY: (from dressing room, with a bit of a lisp) Hermione...? I need some help here.

HERMIONE: (reluctantly putting work down) What is it?

HARRY: (coming to dressing room door) I was trying to do a glamour spell to make myself look old, and I accidentally magicked out most of my bottom teeth.

HERMIONE: Oh, for heaven's sake. (she replaces Harry's teeth) Look, why don't you just stick to makeup? Glamour spells are a bit much for just a play, don't you think? And this is only a preview.

HARRY: I guess...I just wanted a good effect. (he holds up a ratty wig) I mean, this wig looks like...like...I can't even tell you what this wig looks like.

Ron notices Harry and Hermione, and walks over, holding the libretto and looking a little panicky.

RON: Hermione, help me out here! (he looks down at script) Okay, so we're only doing some songs today, right? Which ones?

HERMIONE: Ron, we just had a full rehearsal yesterday. Don't you pay attention?

RON: (nettled) No, I don't. (Harry laughs) Now will you please just help me out? Which songs? I need to figure out who I'm supposed to be.

DRACO: (from the other side of the room) POTTER!! Did you steal my billy club?

HARRY: (rolling his eyes) WHY would I steal your billy club?

DRACO: Isn't it obvious, Scarhead? To sabotage my performance!

HARRY: You're an idiot, Malfoy.

HERMIONE: Stop being so ridiculous...Harry wouldn't sabotage your performance. And nobody's seen your club!

Hermione looks at Ron, expecting him to say something, but he's still agonizing over which performances he'll have to give.

Draco scowls, then shoves some first years out of his way as he goes to dig around in a box marked HATS, with Pansy helping.

RON: (whining) Her-my-oh-nee! Songs now please!

HERMIONE: Oh, all right! Listen carefully, I'll only say this once: "Look Down," "The Bishop/Valjean's Arrest," "Valjean's Soliloquy"....

HARRY: Edited down version...

HERMIONE: (not missing a beat) "At the End of the Day," "Lovely Ladies," "The Run-Away Cart," "Who Am I?"...

RON: (interrupting, grinning) Oh, that's the one where Harry takes his shirt off, right?

HARRY: Oh, shut up.

HERMIONE: (annoyed) Do you want me to keep going or not?

RON: Yes, yes, yes....

HERMIONE: Okay. (ticking off on her fingers as she lists the songs) "Fantine's Death"...

RANDOM FIRST YEAR: (overhearing) Oh, that one makes me cry!

HERMIONE: (glaring at first year, who blushes and shuts up) "The Beggars," "Stars," "Do You Hear the People Sing," "A Heart Full of Love," and "One Day More."

SEAMUS: (pauses in trying to grab Dean's money bag) We're not doing "Master of the House"! It's a sin, it is!

RON: (gulping) So I'm all my characters....you said this is a preview? This seems like the whole bloody show!

HARRY: Dumbledore had a real hard time cutting any songs. So yeah, it is the whole bloody show, pretty much.

HERMIONE: No it isn't. Most of the songs have been edited down, in order to...

HARRY: (cutting her off) I know, I know! I was kidding.

RON: Okay...(he makes little marks on his song list) So act two....

HERMIONE: Only the big songs. "Drink With Me," "Bring Him Home," "Javert's Suicide"....

RON: (glaring at Draco, who's still digging around in various boxes) I like that number.

HERMIONE: (ignoring Ron) "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables," and an edited version of the finale. (she pauses) Got all that?

RON: Yes, thank you. Was that so hard?

HARRY: (before Hermione can answer) Hey Ron, will you help me make this wig look like hair? We've only got a few minutes left...

RON: Sure. (to Hermione) See you in the factory, then.

Harry and Ron duck back into the dressing room, as Seamus walks over to Hermione.

SEAMUS: Hey Hermione, could you take a shifty around for Malfoy's billy club? He still can't find it, and he's traumatizing all the first years.

DUMBLEDORE'S VOICE: Ten minutes to curtain!

HERMIONE: Fine. (glances around the general area) There, I looked. (Seamus laughs)

LUNA: (wandering over to Hermione and Seamus) I found this in the box I was sitting on...(she holds out the billy club, and gestures vaguely at Hermione) Is it yours?

DRACO: (storming over, with Pansy close behind) THERE it is! You nutty little space-case, WHY did you have my billy club?!

HERMIONE: Stop it, Malfoy!

DRACO: Just give it to me! (he snatches the billy club from Luna) Honestly, you people...If any of you do anything to jeopardize my performance, I swear I'll hex the lot of you into next...

Before

Malfoy can finish, Harry and Ron come out of the dressing room, carrying the rocks and chains for the opening number. They crash right into Malfoy, knocking him into Pansy; they both fall to the floor, and the billy club goes skittering across the room.

DRACO: Damn it, Scarhead! Watch where you're going! Could we all TRY to be professional here, please?

Draco gets up and dusts himself off, then goes to retrieve the billy club with Pansy running after him. Luna wanders back to her prop box.

RON: (all innocence) But it was an accident!

HARRY: Yeah, we were just moving these props over to the stage door....

Harry, Ron, and Seamus all burst out laughing.

RON: Did you see his face, the arrogant little git?

DUMBLEDORE'S VOICE: Five minutes to curtain!

HERMIONE: (not hearing Dumbledore) You know...

The boys look warily at her, a pause.

HERMIONE: Well, maybe Malfoy's right...

HARRY AND RON: (scandalized) Hermione!!

HERMIONE: (talking fast) I just mean that he's right when he says we should be professional.

RON: WHAT are you talking about?

HARRY: Come on, Hermione, Malfoy didn't mean that...he just couldn't think up a better response!

RON: Professional, my arse...Malfoy was the one who turned on the fog machine during dress rehearsal just so nobody would be able to see Harry.

SEAMUS: Hey, mates...

HERMIONE: (ignoring Seamus) Just because he doesn't behave professionally doesn't mean we shouldn't! This is a serious show. Malfoy inadvertently brought up a good point!

RON: Hermione, stop it...knocking Malfoy over was so much fun, and now you're ruining it...

HARRY: You saw how he was acting out here! (seeing Hermione's eyes narrow) Okay, fine, we won't fight with Malfoy during the show. Happy?

RON: Unless he starts it.

HARRY: (nodding) Which he's bound to do.

SEAMUS: Guys, we should be getting ready...

HERMIONE: (still ignoring Seamus) Fine, do whatever you want! But do NOT ruin the show, because you'll be letting us all down! (Harry and Ron open their mouths to protest, but Hermione cuts them off) I know Malfoy's bound to do something...but don't descend to his level!!

HARRY: I can't believe you're giving MALFOY leeway to be a prick....

RON: (at the same time as Harry) Malfoy is a toerag, Hermione...

SEAMUS: HEY!!!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione jump, startled.

ALL THREE: What?

Seamus gestures at the stage doors, where all the rest of the cast are already assembled, ready to go on. The OVERTURE can be heard. Harry, Ron, and Hermione all rush to get their costume pieces in order, and then take their places in the wings.

DUMBLEDORE'S VOICE: Places for Act One!