Baby Fred and George Meet Hogwarts

It was a silent afternoon when it happened. The magic holding up The Burrow finally grew too weak. Or the deterioration of the house grew too strong. Whichever it was, the end result was the same. The Weasley house fell down.

Luckily, no one was hurt. Bill and Charlie were at friends; Arthur at work. Molly and the remaining kids were in the garden but a safe distance from the house when it fell.

After hearing about the incident, Dumbledore kindly offered the Weasleys shelter while professional wizards repaired and strengthened the magic on the house. The Weasleys accepted his invitation. But this arrangement had a problem, a problem no one saw until it was too late.

It involved exposing Hogwarts to The Terrible Weasley Twins.

***

"Dogwarts, Dogwarts, we're going to Dogwarts!" chanted a two-year old boy.

It was September 1st and the whole of the Weasley clan were boarding the Hogwarts Express with the students. After finding and dominating an empty compartment, the Weasleys stowed away the few belongings that they had managed to retrieve from the ruins of The Burrow which mainly consisted of disposable nappies. Bill and Charlie soon excused themselves and disappeared down the train to find the food cart.

"It was good of Albus to let us stay at Hogwarts while the house is being repaired," Arthur commented to anyone who was listening as he settled himself comfortably in the corner of the compartment.

No one was actually listening, though. Molly was preoccupied with holding a dribbling Ron on her lap while he was preoccupied in trying to fall on the floor. Percy was nose-deep in a book entitled 'How To Self-Potty train'. Why no one thought this strange was deeply disconcerting. After a few moments, Arthur frowned and glanced curiously around the compartment again.

"Molly?"

"Yes, dear?"

"Didn't we have more children than this?"

"Bill and Charlie, dear."

"Oh, yes. Yes, of course." There was a few seconds pause. "Are you sure that's all?"

Molly glanced up at last.

"Oh, no!" she shrieked. "The twins! Where are the twins?"

A small explosion sounded further down the train.

"Found them," Percy replied, not looking up from his book.

"Now, Percy, you can't say that was them. There's no proof," Arthur explained, calmly.

Someone walked briskly past the door and continued down the train.

"What happened?" the Weasleys heard The Someone ask.

"It was the twins," someone else replied.

"Told you," Percy smirked.

"Other twins go to Hogwarts, Percy. It wasn't Fred or George."

The Someone's voice was heard again.

"Aren't they a bit young to be attending school? How old are you, boys?"

"Two!" came back the familiar high-pitched replies.

Percy snickered.

"Okay, Percy," Arthur muttered. "You win."

***

At Hogsmeade Station, everyone got off the train and the second years and above began to climb into the carriages.

"We're to take the carriages with the older students," Molly told her group distractedly as she tried to haul the still dribbling Ron and a book-engrossed Percy off the train. "Arthur, keep an eye on the twins, will you?"

"Sure, love. Where are they?"

***

"Ooh, look, Fed!" George announced excitedly, pointing into the water. "A fishy!"

Fred looked over the side of the small boat.

"Dat's not a fishy, Dorge. Dat's a squid. Squids are fishys wif long arms."

"They ain't dot any hands."

"Dat's 'cos they can't. We eat fish fingers. They've all been chopped off."

"I like fish fingers. Wif ketchup. Does the squidy have any ketchup?"

"Dunno. Let's ask it."

***

The Great Hall was crammed full of students talking wildly about their summer as they waited for the first years to arrive. The Weasleys occupied one end of the Gryffindor table as all of them who were old enough to have been Sorted had been placed there. A hush settled over the Hall as the doors were flung open and Professor McGonagall swept in followed by a row of scared-looking first years. Hagrid entered last after the students, holding one hand each of two dripping wet but grinning toddlers. They ran to their mother, giggling madly.

"Mummy, we spoke to da squid!" George shouted.

"Sit down and be quiet," Molly hissed at them, after casting a quick Drying spell with her wand. "The Sorting's about to begin."

The now-dry twins meekly sat down between their parents and gazed up solemnly towards where the first years were lined up. A stool with a hat that had certainly seen better days had just been placed in front of them. The whole school stared at it as a wide rip appeared near the bottom and it began to sing.

"I am the wondrous Sorting Hat

And I don't mean to toot my horn.

Let's get this over quickly

So you can dig in mash and corn.

Gryffindors are brave and bold.

Hufflepuffs are true and kind.

Slytherin want to get their goals

And Ravenclaw to fill their mind.

Put me up upon your head

And I'll take look and see

What you want and what you like

And in which house you should be!

However, I have a warning

For all you in this place.

Beware the twins of mischief.

Get rid of them with haste!"

There was a few moments silence after this. Everyone was evidently trying to work out what the Sorting Hat meant. McGonagall tried to get everyone's attention by calling out the first name.

"Able, Kieran!"

"He's dot a nose like a pumpkin!" a high voice yelled, followed by two giggles.

"Fred, be quiet!" Molly ordered.

"Adams, Rachel!"

"She's dot two bums!"

"George, you too!"

The rest of the Sorting followed a similar pattern. Molly was extremely red-faced by the end and was glaring around at the surrounding students, trying to come up with excuses for her darlings' bad behaviour.

"They're hungry, that's all! They don't mean anything by what they say; they're just getting a bit fussy!"

"So why aren't they eating their food if they're hungry?" One student asked dryly.

Molly turned to find that the Feast had begun and the twins throwing handfuls of peas at the Ravenclaw table.

"Fred! George! Stop that and eat your dinner!"

The twins immediately stopped and looked at her with wide, innocent eyes.

"It wasn't us, Mummy."

"Just eat your dinner, poppets."

The twins glanced at the food on the table. George grinned and dragged one of the laded plates towards himself before climbing up on to the table and walking along it several feet until he reached a red bottle. Bringing it back to his seat, he picked up one of the items from the plate in one hand and waved the bottle in the other.

"Fish fingers an' ketchup!" he announced proudly.

***

"Finally, some peace and quiet," Molly murmured, snuggling down into the mattress. "Goodnight, Arthur."

"Goodnight, love."

Silence settled, only to be broken by a loud 'THUD' from the little room next to them.

"I'll go," Arthur sighed. He dragged himself out of his warm bed and made his way to the doorway of the twins' bedroom.

"Fred? George? What's going on in here? Lumos!"

The room lit up to show a sleepy twin sitting on the floor and the other leaning over the edge of the bed to stare down at him.

"Oh, George! Did you fall out the bed?"

"I'm Fed," came back the reply. "An' he pushed-ed me!" He pointed accusingly at the other twin on the bed.

"George?"

The twin looked very guilty but tried not to be.

"It wasn't me."

"Who was it then?" Arthur asked disbelievingly.

"Percy."

"Percy's asleep. Like you should be."

"It was Bill den."

"I don't think so."

"Charlie?"

"Unlikely. Come on, George, why did you push your brother out of bed."

"Fed snores like a elefant."

"No, I doesn't!" Fred shouted indignantly. "Anyway, you snore like a giwaffe!"

"Don't!"

"Do!"

"Boys! Boys, calm down!" Arthur sighed again as he made his way across the room, picking Fred up off the floor and putting him back into bed. "Go to sleep. Both of you. And no pushing, got that?"

"Yes, Daddy."

Arthur left the room, putting the light out as he went. The room was silent for a few moments.

"'Night, elefant."

"'Night, giwaffe."

***

"Right, this morning we're going to have no upsets, no trouble and no complaints, got it?"

All the boys, including Arthur, stared at her confused. Molly continued.

"We're here by Dumbledore's kind invitation and I don't want to disrupt the normal activities of the school at all. Therefore we will all be good, quiet and polite. You may go. Oh, one more thing. Bill, Charlie, can you two send this letter off for me? And take Fred with you. George, you stay with me."

The two boys looked up at their mother from where they had been playing with their toy brooms.

"Okay, Mummy," they chorused.

Bill and Charlie refrained from grumbling. They would have preferred taking George instead of Fred even if it was just because he was missing his top two front teeth and it made a convenient gap if he tried to gnaw off a finger. Fred and George both mounted their little brooms and hovered off in their different directions. Arthur was surprised as he was expecting some sort of scene from the twins at having to be separated. It just proved that they weren't joined completely at the hip, no matter what the mediwitch had said.

***

Up in the Owlery tower, Bill released the owl with his mother's letter and watched it fly away. Charlie was watching Fred hovering around the room on his toy broom.

"I remember we had them," he told Bill. "Real brooms are much better though. They go higher. These toy things only go a couple of feet. They can't fly."

"Fly, fly, fly," Fred murmured to himself, making his way towards the window.

"What's he on about?" Bill asked exasperatedly.

Charlie paled visibly.

"That." He pointed.

Bill turned around just in time to see Fred throw himself over the edge, broom in hand.

"Weeeeeeeeeee!" he laughed in delight as he fell.

"DAD!" Bill and Charlie yelled together.

***

"Now, Fred," Arthur began calmly. "What do we not do?"

"Dump off Owlwewy Tower," the small boy answered.

"That's right. And why do we not do this?"

"Can't fly."

"Good. We can't fly. So you won't do it anymore?"

Fred shook his head.

"Promise?"

The toddler nodded solemnly.

"Good. Now go play with George, and please both of you stay out of trouble!"

Fred toddled off obediently. Arthur sighed and turned to Hagrid who was standing nearby.

"Thanks for catching him, Hagrid."

"Yeh welcome, Arthur. Can't 'ave the little tots killing themselves now, can we? Wouldn't be good for Hogwarts."

"I think this traumatic event might have made him a little bit more sensible though."

"Oh, I wouldn't count on it, Arthur."

"Why's that?"

"Why, they're already interested in the Whomping Willow."

Arthur spun around.

"Fred! George! Get away from that tree before..."

He winced.

"Ouch."

***

"Now, George," Arthur began calmly. "What don't we do?"

"Go near Whompy tree."

"Good. Why?"

"Might break arm again."

"That's right. It might break your arm again. So stay away. Listen, you and Fred - just - just go find Percy! He'll keep you out of trouble."

Nodding in unison, both boys ran off. Arthur sighed.

"Lord, help me," he murmured.

***

"Hi, Percy," a high voice called out to him.

Percy ignored the twin and carried on reading his book.

"Per-cy! Hi, Percy!" The twin fell into step beside him. Percy continued to ignore, keeping his nose well into the book.

"Hi, Percy. Per-cy! Hi, Percy! Talk to me, Percy. Hi, Percy!"

Percy kept on reading. Consequently he tripped over the other twin lying in wait on the floor and fell headfirst and screaming down a long flight of stairs.

"Bye, Percy!"

***

"Fred, George," Arthur began not-so-calmly. "What don't we do?"

"Trip up Percy so he fall down stairs," the twins announced.

"And why?"

"Stairs weren't long enough."

"No," Arthur sounded like he was holding on to his patience for dear life. "Try again."

"Stairs weren't bumpy enough."

"No!" Arthur screamed, frustrated. "Not because they weren't bumpy enough! Or because they weren't long enough or hard enough or because there wasn't enough people to see or because you should have used a cliff instead or any of the other things you said! Now, for the last time, why don't you trip Percy down the stairs?"

The twins glanced at each other, confused.

"Not enough splinters?" George asked, tentatively.

"NO! Not because there wasn't enough splinters! It's because it's not nice!"

Fred and George glanced at each other again.

"Nice?"

"Yes, nice! It's not nice!"

The twins looked up at him, confused still.

"Daddy, what's nice?"

Arthur sighed.

"Obviously not you two. Look, go look it up in a dictionary or something. That'll keep you busy for a while."

The twins continued staring at him.

"A dictionary? It's a book that..."

The twins glanced at each other.

"Oh, come on, you know what a book is! Percy reads them."

The twins' eyes lit up.

"Oh!" they chorused. "Percy!"

"We'll det a knickernary from Percy," Fred announced.

"Yeah," George agreed. "Percy'll have a winternary."

"Dictionary," Arthur corrected wearily. Then he realised what they said. "Wait!" he cried. "Come back here! Leave Percy alone!"

The twins stopped from where they were already on their way to the hospital wing.

"We say sorry," George offered.

Arthur stared at them.

"Fine, go say sorry."

The twins grinned at each other before disappearing out of sight.

"They never say sorry to me," Arthur muttered wistfully.

***

Percy eyed the two redheaded boys almost fearfully.

"You want to what?" he asked disbelievingly.

"Say sorry," the twins repeated.

Percy gave them a suspicious look.

"What do you want for it?"

"A knickernary," Fred explained.

"Pardon?"

"A winternary," George supplied.

Percy merely blinked at them.

"I have no idea what you're on about."

The twins tried again.

"A lickonary."

"A ballonary."

"A sackonary."

"A cartoonary."

"A biscuitary."

"A puffernary."

"A blue canary."

"A minty fairy."

Percy continued to stare at them like they had sprouted three heads.

"Maybe I should look up some of those words in the dictionary," he muttered, half to himself.

The twins glanced at each other in glee.

"We dot it!" they shouted.

"Got what?"

"The word!"

"What word?"

"The word we want!"

"Well, what is it?"

They gazed up at him proudly.

"Ticdionary!"

Percy rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, that's probably it."

***

A few minutes later, Fred and George were proudly marching down the corridors of Hogwarts, holding their dictionary high above their heads. A few seconds later they proceeded to tear the pages out to make paper balls to throw at passing students and fed the remains of the book to Fang. Percy never found out what they wanted it for. He never found out where it went either.

After a while the twins got bored of that game and decided it was time to go outside and play Annoy the Giant Squid. The squid itself didn't seem very keen on to play but the twins soon found that it didn't actually need to be playing for the game to work.

By the time the game was over (over meaning that the twins had to run for their lives as the giant squid had begun to fight back) lunch was ready. Although they couldn't tell time too well, the twins knew it was time to eat from the rumble in their stomachs.

"Chips an' cheese! Chips an' cheese!" Fred chanted as he skipped into the Great Hall. "Yummy, yummy, in my tummy! Chips an' cheese!"

Several students around gave him funny looks.

"Have you ever twied it?" he demanded. "It's yummy!"

He sat down determinedly and proceeded to pile a large mound of cheese on to a plate of chips that was coincidently in front of his seat. The cheese melted instantly, as if by magic.

"Yum!" Fred beamed brightly then took to chasing George's hand with his fork when it came too close to his precious plate.

Halfway through the meal, Peeves came flying in with several Wet-Start Fireworks in his arms, cackling evilly. He flew over all the tables while dropping a firework in every jug he could see and left via the wall, still laughing. You could have heard a wand drop in the silence that followed, before the fireworks exploded. Fred and George loved the chaos that followed and laughed as a stampede commenced as students tried to flee the Great Hall. It was only when a firework whizzed past Fred's head and caused him to topple backwards off the bench in fright did the twins decided that Peeves was not allowed to perform any pranks whilst they ruled the corridors.

***

The twins came out of the girls' second floor bathroom, grinning like Cheshire cats. A few moments later, a certain ghost floated through the school until she came across Peeves trying to hit as many students as he could with nearby portraits.

"Oh, Peeves! Those dear little boys told me everything! I really glad you feel this way! I'd love to be your girlfriend!"

Amused students were soon to witness a very scared Peeves tearing through the school with a gushing Moaning Myrtle right behind him. He finally managed to shake her off and spent the rest of the day hiding in a suit of armour on the fourth floor. It was a few days before he attempted to pull another prank but the twins appeared from nowhere with Myrtle in tow right before he could pull it off and he fled quickly to hide in Dumbledore's office for the rest of the Weasleys' stay. And with him out the way, the twins' reign of terror could really begin.

At breakfast two days later, students gagged at finding Cockroach Cluster hidden in every dish. Well, in some cases it was half a piece of Cockroach Cluster...

That same afternoon, seventeen bras mysteriously appeared flying from the top of the Astronomy Tower. One of them was Professor McGonagall's.

The next day found Percy hanging upside-down from a chandelier. He was still reading his book. Molly was becoming increasingly concerned on whether he would ever be potty-trained properly.

Not so long after, nearly half of the house elves went on their version of a strike due to the amount of fish fingers and cheesy chips they were ordered to make in the middle of the night, every night.

The rest of the house elves went on strike thirty minutes later for the same reason.

Students and staff woke up every morning to find that a different body part had changed colour during the night and the only way it would return to normal is if you hopped on one leg for exactly a minute before singing Barney The Dinosaur's song 'I love you, you love me' with a partner. Dumbledore seemed to enjoy this cure for some strange reason. Why he always chose to sing it with Hagrid, no one knows...

It was at dinner about a fortnight after term had started, while students were grimly picking unidentified goo out of their drinks, that Dumbledore made an announcement.

"I am pleas... er... sorry to announce that the work on the Weasleys' house has now been completed. Therefore they will be leaving Hogwarts tomorrow morning. First thing."

Cheering sounded throughout the Hall, dying down slowly at the warning look on Dumbledore's face to turn into half-hearted groans.

"I'm sure we will all miss them. Won't we?" he asked pointedly.

"Yes, sir," came back the meek replies.

Molly beamed.

"Thank you all. Now if you'll excuse us, we better go and pack."

Hundreds of eyes watched the Weasleys leave the room. As soon as the door shut behind them, a party sprung up. Butterbeer that was conjured out the air by all those able to. The Gryffindors and the Slytherins started a conga line. Peeves gave out party poppers. Gave not threw. David Creevey started humming Barney's song and suddenly was knocked unconscious in some bizarre accident.

In the morning, bright and early, the Weasleys said goodbye and left Hogwarts to go back to the Burrow. Lessons were cancelled for the day as the party continued to celebrate the fact that they had all survived the twins' torture of the past few weeks. And the twins managed to live out the rest of their lives, knowing they had Hogwarts under their thumb and that they never, ever, found out what the word 'nice' meant.