A Crazy MST

A Crazy MST

By Michelle Malfoy

Chapter Two

Nearly ten years had passed since the Dursleys had woken up to find their nephew on the front step, but Privet Drive had hardly changed at all.

Lucius - I really couldn't care less. I just want this damned book to be over already.

The sun rose on the same tidy front gardens and lit up the brass number four on the Dursleys' front door; it crept into their living room, which was almost exactly the same as it had been on the night when Mr Dursley had seen that fateful news report about the owls.

Peter - *Jerking out of sleep* What? What owls? Oh, no... not another Howler.

Lucius - So that was your Howler at breakfast. *Gleeful beyond belief.*

James - He's the only Gryffindor who managed to be accepted into only one N.E.W.T. class, you know.

Severus - Which would be...

Peter - Herbolgy.

Frank Longbottom *walking by outside*: Oooh, I love Herbology. All the man-eating plants... it's so exciting!

Narcissa - Why am I not surprised?

Only the photographs on the mantelpiece really showed how much time had passed. Ten years ago, there had been lots of pictures of what looked like a large pink beach ball wearing different-coloured bobble hats - but Dudley Dursley was no longer a baby, and now the photographs showed a large, blond boy riding his first bicycle, on a roundabout at the fair, playing a computer game with his father, being hugged and kissed by his mother. The room held no sign at all that another boy lived in the house too.

Lucius - I thought we established that this Potter kid was dead.

Bellatrix - No, James is dead.

James - Thank you for making that clear, Black.

Bellatrix - Anytime, Potter, anytime.

Yet Harry Potter was still there, asleep at the moment, but not for long. His Aunt Petunia was awake and it was her shrill voice which made the first noise of the day.
'Up! Get up! Now!'

Sirius - Doesn't sound too pleasant, Evans. Is she always such a cranky-pants?

Girls - *squee at the thought of Sirius discussing pants*

Lily - Yeah.

James - I'm going to have to rethink marrying you, then.

Lily - What a tragedy. *Punches fist in the air.* YES!!!!!!!!!!

Harry woke with a start. His aunt rapped on the door again.
'Up!' she screeched. Harry heard her walking towards the kitchen and then the sound of the frying pan being put on the cooker. He rolled onto his back and tried to remember the dream he had been having. It had been a good one. There had been a flying motorbike in it.

Sirius - My flying motorbike, Harry.

James - *Gently* I don't think he knows you, Sirius.

Sirius - What!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Lucius *extremely hopeful* - I bet you died on that motorbike.

He had a funny feeling he'd had the same dream before.

Lucius/Sirius/Severus - How stupid is he?

James - Hey, he was just a baby. It's not his fault he doesn't have super-memory powers.

Lucius - I have super-memory powers. I remember kicking a doctor in the arse when I was just born.

James - Maybe because it was yesterday?

Lucius - I was not born yesterday, Potter. Pettigrew, on the other hand...

Marauders - *get the joke*

Peter - *doesn't*

His aunt was back outside the door.
'Are you up yet?' she demanded.
'Nearly,' said Harry.

Severus - And if he's nearly up, how come he's speaking?

James - Nearly up? Like nearly headless?

Sirius - I guess so...

Lily - No.

James - Huh?

Lily - My son is perfect. He is not nearly anything.

Lucius - *extremely hopeful again* Maybe nearly dead?

'Well, get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon. And don't you dare let it burn, I want everything perfect on Duddy's birthday.'
Harry groaned.
'What did you say?' his aunt snapped through the door.

'Nothing, nothing...'

Lucius -

James - I don't want to hear whatever smart remark you have this time, Malfoy.

Lucius - As you wish...

Bill - Ooh, there's a movie -

Severus - What's a movie?

Bill - There's a movie where the guy -

All - Shut UP!

Dudley's birthday - how could he have forgotten?

Lucius - Short-term memory loss? I understand that that's a side effect when one survives the Avada Kedavra curse.

James - And how would you know anything about the Avada Kedavra curse?

Lucius - *Runs out.*

All - Thank God.

Harry got slowly out of bed and started looking for socks. He found a pair under his bed and, after pulling a spider off one of them, put them on. Harry was used to spiders, because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, and that was where he slept.

Bill - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!! SPIDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE?!?!?!?!?

James/Lily - CHILD ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucius - *running back in* Ooh, can I play too?

All - *Stare at Lucius.*

Lucius - Um...

Narcissa - *Pats his head.*

Lucius - *Runs around in circles* AAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! getoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoff!

All - *Stare at Lucius.*

Me - Once more and it's St. Mungo's, Lucy, even if you are Draco's dad.

Lucius - St. Mungo's???? *Whiny* But there are Mudbloods there!

Narcissa/Bellatrix AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

When he was dressed he went down to the hall into the kitchen. The table was almost hidden beneath all Dudley's birthday presents. It looked as though Dudley had gotten the new computer he wanted, not to mention the second television and the racing bike.

Lucius - I definetly like this Dudley kid. Wait... what's a televishyon? What's a racing bike?

Lily - Oh, Lord. You're saying it wrong. And am I the only muggle-born here?

Lucius - The only real one. *Eyes Bill angrily.*

Exactly why Dudley wanted a racing bike was a mystery to Harry, as Dudley was very fat and hated exercise - unless of course it involved punching somebody.

Peter - I've been punched. It's not very pleasant.

Lucius - I've watched people been punched.

Lily - Yes, we all know. Avery, Nott, McNair, Crabbe, and Goyle love to punch people for you.

Lucius - You forgot Montague.

Severus - And Carl Bliamaski.

Lily - Who's that?

Lucius - Be glad you don't know him.

Severus - Very bad mental images at the thought of that kid.

James - WHO IS HE??????????????????

Dudley's favorite punching bag was Harry, but he couldn't often catch him. Harry didn't look it, but he was very fast.

Lucius - His brain or his legs?

Narcissa - It has to be his legs, because he looks so much like James he can't possibly be clever.

Lucius - Of course.

James/Lily - GO AWAY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!?!?!!

Me - Sorry... they're coming on later in the story, you know.

Lucius - Is there an illustration of me? *Smiles dreamily and self-lovingly.*

Me - Nope, sorry.

Girls/Peter - Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww....

James - *quietly* Pete, is there something you haven't been telling us?

Remus - Cause, you know, there are support groups for this kind of thing.

Lucius - Here's a pamphlet.

All - *stare at Lucius, wondering where he got it*

Lucius - NO!!!!!!!!! IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Narcissa - That's what they all say.

Perhaps it had something to do with living in a dark cupboard, but Harry had always been small and skinny for his age. He looked even smaller and skinnier than he really was because all he had to wear were old clothes of Dudley's, and Dudley was about four times bigger than he was. Harry had a thin face, knobbly knees, black hair, and bright green eyes.

Lucius - Crap for you , Lily. They'll still be able to recognize him as James' son.

James - I told you, it's genetic. I'd give anything to look different.

Lucius/Severus/Sirius - More like... me, perhaps?

James - No on the Snape, no on the Malfoy, no on the Sirius.

He had had it as long as he could remember, and the first question he could ever remember asking his Aunt Petunia was how he had gotten it. "In the car crash when your parents died," she had said. "And don't ask questions."

Lily - That's just bad.

Remus - No questions? That's pure evil, I tell you. EVIL!!!

All - Hide under pillows.

Bellatrix - I'm not singing!!!!!!!!!!

Don't ask questions - that was the first rule for a quiet life with the Dursleys. Uncle Vernon entered the kitchen as Harry was turning over the bacon. "Comb your hair!" he barked, by way of a morning greeting. About once a week, Uncle Vernon looked over the top of his newspaper and shouted that Harry needed a haircut.

All - *Look at James.*

James - GENETIC, I TELL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry must have had more haircuts than the rest of the boys in his class put together, but it made no difference, his hair simply grew that way - all over the place. Harry was frying eggs by the time Dudley arrived in the kitchen with his mother. Dudley looked a lot like Uncle Vernon. He had a large pink face, not much neck, small watery blue eyes, and thick blond hair that lay smoothly on his thick, fat head. Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel. Harry often said that Dudley looked like a pig in a wig.

Lucius - I'm going to have to go with Harry on that one.

All - Me too!

Me - Look who's talking, Pete...

Peter - Why do I get the feeling you don't like me?

Me - Because you sold Lily and James to Voldemort.

All - *shudder.*

Me - Obliviate!

Lucius - You kinda need a wand to do that...

Me - *Blushes* FINE, then. I won't do it.

Harry put the plates of egg and bacon on the table, which was difficult as there wasn't much room. Dudley, meanwhile, was counting his presents. His face fell. "Thirty-six," he said, looking up at his mother and father. "That's two less than last year."

All - He can count????????????? *Amazed*

Lucius - No he can't. For me it's sixteen less than last year.

All - *Stare at him.*

Lucius - NO! NOT ST. MUNGO'S!!!!!!!!!!!

Me - I can't take you to St. Mungo's.

All except Lucius - Why not?

Me - Because his hair would get messed up there. They strap you to a bed and don't let you comb your hair.

Lucius - MY HERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's here under this big one from Mummy and Daddy."

Bellatrix - You know, I think I like imitating baby talk.

Me - *Under my breath* Why am I not surprised?

Bellatrix - Some futuristic thing about me? Tell, tell!

Me - I can't say it in front of Sirius and James and Remus and Lucius and Severus.

Bellatrix - Why?

Me - Because if I told the Marauders they would have a fit, if I told Lucius he'd dance around singing, and if I told Severus he'd just be sarcastic.

Bellatrix - What's wrong with sarcasm?

Me - Oh, nothing...

"All right, thirty-seven then," said Dudley, going red in the face. Harry, who could see a huge Dudley tantrum coming on, began wolfing down his bacon as fast as possible in case Dudley turned the table over. Aunt Petunia obviously scented danger, too, because she said quickly, "And we'll buy you another two presents while we're out today. How's that, popkin? Two more presents. Is that all right?" Dudley thought for a moment. It looked like hard work. Finally, he said slowly, "So, I'll have thirty...thirty..."

Peter - Thirty ten, genius.

Me - Time for St. Mungo's, kid. *Snaps fingers and Peter disappears.*

All - THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me - No, he's just going off to visit his dad for the day, but whatever. At least he's not here.

"Thirty-nine sweetums," said Aunt Petunia.

Bill - *Whiny* I miss Peeeeeeeeeeter.

All except Bill - You what?

Lucius - That's bleeping impossible!!!

James/Sirius/Remus/Lily/Me/Narcissa/Bellatrix - Yuppers.

Lucius - *Disgusted* Yuppers?

"Oh." Dudley sat down heavily and grabbed the nearest parcel. "All right then." Uncle Vernon chuckled.

"Little tyke wants his money's worth, just like his father. 'Atta boy, Dudley!" He ruffled Dudley's hair.

James - I thought we established that it was a wig.

Me - Just keep reading. Actually, it's time for someone else to get to read it.

All - *Groan loudly*

Me - Eenie, meanie, miney, mo...

All - *Cross fingers*

Me - Lucy, you're up.

Lucius - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All - Nya nya nya nya nya nya.

Lucius - AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me - Lucy, this room is spell-proof. I made it that way after you threw Peter's wand out the window.

Bill - Is it camera-proof?

All - SHUT UP!

Lucius - I refuse to read.

Bellatrix - *Opens mouth*

Lucius - FINE! I'LL READ! BUT THIS IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT.

Bellatrix - No, this is. You can change your life, if you wanna you can change your clothes...

Lucius - *Like everyone else, squashing pillow against his ears* NO!!! NO I SAID I'LL READ!

Me - Bellatrix, we need to establish a deal here. How about you sing whenever someone says 'no' to me?

Bellatrix - Uh... what's in it for me?

Me - *whispers something about OotP in Bellatrix's ear*

Bellatrix - *smiles sadistically* He does? Oh, that's rich!

Lucius - *Ears perk up* Rich? Like me?

Me - Uh, yeah, whatever.

At that moment the telephone rang and Aunt Petunia went to answer it while Harry and Uncle Vernon watched Dudley unwrap the racing bike, a video camera, a remote control airplane, sixteen new computer games, and a VCR.

Lily - Don't bother asking. It's the wizard equivelant of a Nimbus 1978, a camera-

Bill - Ooooh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lily - ...toy Floo Powder, sixteen WizStation games (A/N - That's a pun on PlayStation, in case you didn't get it) and a... um... photo album I guess.

He was ripping the paper off a gold wristwatch when Aunt Petunia came back from the telephone looking both angry and worried. Bad news, Vernon," she said. "Mrs. Figg's broken her leg. She can't take him." She jerked her head in Harry's direction. Dudley's mouth fell open in horror, but Harry's heart gave a leap. Every year on Dudley's birthday, his parents took him and a friend out for the day, to adventure parks, hamburger restaurants,

Lucius - I don't supppose these would be my opinion of an enjoyable birthday, would they?

Lily - Not unless you like vomiting or fried grease.

Lucius - That would be a no.

or the movies. Every year, Harry was left behind with Mrs. Figg, a mad old lady who lived two streets away. Harry hated it there. The whole house smelled of cabbage and Mrs. Figg made him look at the photographs of all the cats she'd ever owned.

James/Sirius - CHILD ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucius - I'm in!

Harry knew he ought to feel sorry that Mrs. Figg had broken her leg, but it wasn't easy when he reminded himself it would be a whole year before he had to look at Tibbles,

Lucius - *sneer*

Snowy,

Lucius - *sneer*

Mr. Paws,

Lucius - *sneer*

and Tufty again.

Lily - Excuse me, Ms. Almighty Authoress, I refuse to put up with his reading any more! He makes it sound like they're bad names.

All except Lily - Um...

Me - Fine, then. It's... Severus' turn.

Severus - NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me - *Winks at Bellatrix*

Bellatrix - Old McDonald had a farm, E I E I O -

Severus - *quickly and loudly, grabbing the book from Lucius*

"We could phone Marge," Uncle Vernon suggested.

"Don't be silly Vernon, she hates the boy."

Lucius - I do too!

Bellatrix/Narcissa/Severus - Wait till you see what House he's sorted into.

The Dursleys often spoke about Harry like this, as though he wasn't there - or rather, as though he was something very nasty that couldn't understand them, like a slug.

"What about what's-her-name, your friend - Yvonne?"

Lily - ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

James - Hey, last summer when I was *cough - stalking you - cough,* I think I saw her... she has that horrible nose job, right?

Lily - Yeah, and cherry-red curly hair that reaches her arse.

James - She's cute...

Lily - AHEM!!

James - But not nearly as cute as you, dear.

Lucius - Dear?

"On vacation in Majorca," snapped Aunt Petunia.

"You could just leave me here," Harry put in hopefully (he'd be able to watch what he wanted on television for a change and maybe even have a go on Dudley's computer). Aunt Petunia looked as thought she'd just swallowed a lemon.

Peter - *appearing from nowhere*/Lucius - When life gives you lemons, make lemonade -

Lucius - *alone* and throw it at the person who gave you the lemons instead of the oranges you originally asked for!

James - That's...

Lily - cheerful...

"And come back and find the house in ruins?" she snarled.

"I won't blow up the house,"said Harry,

Lucius - But the Dark Lord might!

but they weren't listening.

Lily - Figures.

Lucius - What else is new?

"I suppose we could take him to the zoo," said Aunt Petunia slowly, "...and leave him in the car..."

Lucius - There's a law that says all animals left in a car must have a window open.

Lily - My son is not an animal!

Sirius/Lucius/Remus - *cough loudly*

"That car's new, he's not sitting in it alone..." Dudley began to cry loudly. In fact, he wasn't really crying - it had been years since he'd really cried - but he knew that if he screwed up his face and wailed, his mother would give him anything he wanted.

All except Lucius - *thinking* This sounds familiar... *turn to look at Lucius* oh, yeah.

"Dinky Duddydums, don't cry, mummy won't let him spoil your special day!" she cried, flinging her arms around him.

Lily - *dryly* She's lucky Dudley didn't hug her back, or she'd suffocating

Lucius - Seriously.

Sirius - You rang?

"I...don't...want...him...t-t-to come!" Dudley yelled between huge, pretend sobs.

"He always sp-spoils everything!" He shot Harry a nasty grin through the gap in his mother's arms.

Lucius - That's such a Slytherin thing to do...

Lily - He's a muggle.

James - This conversation is very familiar.

Remus - Check back to chapter one, when Professor Flitwick was wearing a green cloak, and then again to when McGonagall was wearing an emerald one.

James - You WROTE in my son's BOOK? How COULD you?

Remus - Not in the book, this notebook!

Me - Actually, Moony -

Severus - ANOTHER CLUE! MUST WRITE DOWN IN NOTEBOOK! MUAHAHAHAHAH!

Me - Actually, Moony, I ripped out chapter one from your notebook, typed it, and sent it in to a fanfiction web site.

Lily - You did? Ooh, neat.

Remus - Um... what's a fanfiction web site?

Lucius - The fan part I'm awfully familiar with... all those fan girls stalking me...

Sirius - Yeah, you mean like Alice Cartridge...

Lucius - Ew, she's a Hufflepuff.

James - You know they're only after you for your money, right?

Lucius - Eh, whatever. I've got tons of it, you know.

All - We know.

Me - Ooh, just wait until Draco comes along, Lucy old buddy...

Just then, the doorbell rang - "Oh, good Lord,

Lucius - *sneering* Good Lord? It's Dark Lord, lady.

they're here!" said Aunt Petunia frantically - and a moment later, Dudley's best friend, Piers Polkiss, walked in with his mother. Piers was a scrawny boy with a face like a rat.

Peter - *who had not disappeared* I like rats.

James/Sirius - *Glare at him*

Severus - MORE WRITING! MUST WRITE DOWN IN NOTEBOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He was usually the one who held people's arms behind their backs while Dudley hit them.

Lucius - That's what McNair does.

Severus - So I've heard.

Dudley stopped pretending to cry at once. Half an hour later, Harry, who couldn't believe his luck, was sitting in the back of the Dursleys' car with Piers and Dudley, on the way to the zoo

Lucius - - Where his sensible aunt and uncle will feed him to the lions -

for the first time in his life. His aunt and uncle hadn't been able to think of anything else to do with him, but before they'd left, Uncle Vernon had taken Harry aside.

"I'm warning you," he had said, putting his large purple face right up close to Harry's, "I'm warning you now, boy - any funny business, anything at all - and you'll be in that cupboard from now until Christmas."

Lily - But then he won't be able to cook the lazy gits' Christmas dinner! It's a win and lose-lose and win situation!

James/Sirius - A what?

"I'm not going to do anything," said Harry, "honestly..."

But Uncle Vernon didn't believe him. No one ever did.

The problem was, strange things often happened around Harry and it was just no good telling the Dursleys he didn't make them happen.

James - If he's a wizard, then he did...

Lily - YES!!!! My son's a wizard, my son's a wizard, la la la la la la la!

James - Lil, sweetheart, that's the tune to a Muggle movie I saw on whats-it-called when I was visiting the States, Broadway,The Wizard of Oz.

Peter/Bellatrix - *as everyone else runs around with their pillows over their ears* We welcome you to Munchkinland, tra la la la la la la la! La la la la la la la, tra la la la la la la! From now on you'll be history -

Lucius - Which is true in James' case -

Peter/Bellatrix - you'll be hiss, you'll be hiss, you'll be history!

Peter - *alone* and we will glorify your name, you will be abust, be abust, be abust in the hall of fame! Tra la la la la la la, tra la la la la la la! Tra la la la la la la, tra la la la la la la! Tra la la la la la la la la la la, tra la la la la LA, laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me - BELLATRIX is the only one allowed to sing. And only when I TELL her to!

Peter - Why?

Me - Because you are even worse than her!

Peter - *vanishes*

Lucius - So what's a fanfiction web site?

Lily - *grabs book*

The problem was, strange things often happened around Harry and it was just no good telling the Dursleys he didn't make them happen. Once, Aunt Petunia, tired of Harry coming back from the barbers looking as though he hadn't been at all, had taken a pair of kitchen scissors and cut his hair so short he was almost bald except for his bangs, which she left "to hide that horrible scar."

Lucius - That's a great fashion tip.

Bellatrix - Would you rather have an ugly head or ugly hair?

All - *stare at James.*

Dudley had laughed himself silly at Harry, who spent a sleepless night imagining school the next day, where he was already laughed at for his baggy clothes and taped glasses. Next morning, however, he had gotten up to find his hair exactly as it had been before Aunt Petunia had sheared it off. He had been given a week in his cupboard for this, even though he had tried to explain that he couldn't explain how it had grown back so quickly. Another time, Aunt Petunia had been trying to force him into a revolting old sweater of Dudley's (brown with orange puff balls).

Lucius - Brown with orange puff balls?

Narcissa - FASHION POLICE!!! FASHION POLICE!!!!!!!!

Bellatrix - You rang?

The harder she tried to pull it over his head, the smaller it seemed to become, until finally it might have fitted a hand puppet, but certainly wouldn't fit Harry. Aunt Petunia had decided it must have shrunk in the wash and, to his great relief, Harry wasn't punished.

On the other hand, he'd gotten into terrible trouble for being found on the roof of the school kitchens.

Lucius - Isn't the kitchen supposed to be in the basement?

Lily - In Hogwarts, yes.

Lucius - You think?

The Dursleys had received a very angry letter from Harry's headmistress telling them Harry had been climbing school buildings. But all he'd tried to do (as he shouted at Uncle Vernon through the locked door of his cupboard) was jump behind the big trash cans outside the kitchen doors. Harry supposed that the wind must have caught him in mid-jump. But today, nothing was going to go wrong. It was even worth being with Dudley and Piers to be spending the day somewhere that wasn't school, his cupboard, or Mrs. Figg's cabbage-smelling living room. While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia. He liked to complain about things: people at work, Harry, the council, Harry, the bank, and Harry were just a few of his favorite subjects.

This morning, it was motorcycles.

Sirius - *Standing up* I'm outta here.

Lily - *pulls him back down* NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! YOU'RE THE ONLY SANE ONE LEFT!!!!

"...roaring along like maniacs, the young hoodlums," he said, as a motorcycle overtook them.

"I had a dream about a motorcycle," said Harry, remembering suddenly. "It was flying."

Uncle Vernon nearly crashed into the car in front.

Lucius - *Thorougly disappointed* You mean he didn't?

Lily/James - Shut UP!!

Lucius - Severus, get out the record book. They must have agreed six or seven times since we found out that they had a bratty little son.

Lily/James - Shut UP!

Lucius - There they go again.

Lily - Michelllllllllllllllllllle, make him shut up!

Me - Sorry, can't.

Lily - WHY NOT?

Me - Because, if I do, I might risk messing up the Charm and silencing him forever. If I do that, it might pass on genetically to Draco and then he won't have such a cute little sneering voice.

Lucuis - Sneer? You said he's a Hufflepuff!

Me - Damn.

Lucius - YAY!!!!!! THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bellatrix - You held my hand and walked me home... I know...

Lucius - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! *Grabs pillow and shoves it into Bellatrix's mouth.*

He turned right around in his seat and yelled at Harry, his face like a gigantic beet with a mustache: "MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!"

Sirius - I beg to differ.

Dudley and Piers sniggered.

Lucius - *sniggered.*

"I know they don't," said Harry. "It was only a dream."

But he wished he hadn't said anything. If there was one thing the Dursleys hated even more than his asking questions, it was his talking about anything acting in a way it shouldn't, no matter if it was in a dream or even a cartoon - they seemed to think he might get dangerous ideas. It was a very sunny Saturday and the zoo was crowded with families. The Dursleys bought Dudley and Piers large chocolate ice creams at the entrance and then, because the smiling lady in the van had asked Harry what he wanted before they could hurry him away, they bought him a cheap lemon ice pop.

Lily/James - CHEAP LEMON ICE POP?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Lucius - You know what they say about redheads and their tempers... maybe we should all edge away from Evans slowly... *does so*

All except Lily/James - *Run around room screaming*

It wasn't bad, either, Harry thought, licking it as they watched a gorilla scratching its head who looked remarkably like Dudley, except that it wasn't blond.

Lily - I hate blonds.

Lucius - *Sputters indignantly*

James - *High-fives Lily* Good one, dear.

Lily - DON'T CALL ME DEAR!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry had the best morning he'd had in a long time.

He was careful to walk a little way apart from the Dursleys so that Dudley and Piers, who were starting to get bored with the animals by lunchtime, wouldn't fall back on their favorite hobby of hitting him.

Lucius - Stupid kid.

James - Dudley? We all know he's an idiot, like you for example.

Lucius - No, I meant Harry.

James - $*(&$*&#*^&@*%^&@%$***&%&%$

Severus - *loudly*

They ate in the zoo restaurant, and when Dudley had a tantrum because his knickerbocker glory didn't have enough ice cream on top, Uncle Vernon bought him another one and Harry was allowed to finish the first.

Lucius - MUGGLE GERMS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry felt, afterward, that he should have known it was all too good to last.

After lunch they went to the reptile house.

Marauders (who had calmed down while Severus was reading - or rather, screaming the last passage - *look at Slytherins.*

It was cool and dark in there, with lit windows all along the walls. Behind the glass, all sorts of lizards and snakes were crawling and slithering over bits of wood and stone. Dudley and Piers wanted to see huge, poisonous cobras and thick, man-crushing pythons. Dudley quickly found the largest snake in the place.

James - Which was secretly Crabbe.

Sirius - No, Goyle's far fatter.

Lucius - You're both wrong. It's McNair.

It could have wrapped its body twice around Uncle Vernon's car and crushed it into a trash can - but at the moment it didn't look in the mood. In fact, it was fast asleep.

Dudley stood with his nose pressed against the glass, staring at the glistening brown coils.

"Make it move," he whined at his father.

Uncle Vernon tapped on the glass, but the snake didn't budge.

Lucius - Because it's sleeping, maybe?

"Do it again," Dudley ordered. Uncle Vernon rapped the glass smartly with his knuckles,

Lucius - They're annoying our mascot!

Severus - How rude.

Bellatrix/Narcissa - Die, Dursley, die!

but the snake just snoozed on. "This is boring," Dudley moaned. He shuffled away.

Harry moved in front of the tank and looked intently at the snake. He wouldn't have been surprised if it had died of boredom itself - no company except stupid people drumming their fingers on the glass trying to disturb it all day long. It was worse than having a cupboard as a bedroom, where the only visitor was Aunt Petunia hammering on the door to wake you up; at least he got to visit the rest of the house.

Lucius - That's it, all my respect for him has just gone down the drain.

Lily - Why?

Lucius - Because he talks about living with muggles like it's not the worst possible scenario!

Lily - *patiently* He's never heard of magic, Lucy.

Lucius - So? He could've thought of it!

Lily - Ugh.

The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes. Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were on a level with Harry's. It winked. Harry stared. Then he looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching. They weren't. He looked back at the snake and winked, too.

Bellatrix - That's a Hufflepuff move.

James - Too friendly.

The snake jerked its head toward Uncle Vernon and Dudley, then raised its eyes to the ceiling. It gave Harry a look that said quite plainly: "I get that all the time."

"I know," Harry murmured through the glass, though he wasn't sure the snake could hear him. "It must be really annoying."

Lucius - Well, well, well, Potter. It seems that he's not such a Gryffindor as you thought, eh?

James - *Attempting to steal the book from Severus' hands* My son is not a Parselmouth, Malfoy. Forget about recruiting more teens for your Not-Born-Yet Death Eaters' club, we are not interested.

Lily - Nice one, James.

The snake nodded its head vigorously.

James - *squaking* What the hell?!?!?!?!?!?

Lily - Don't teach our son bad language, James.

"Where do you come from, anyway?" Harry asked. The snake jabbed its tail at a little sign next to the glass. Harry peered at it. Boa Constrictor, Brazil. "Was it nice there?"

James - *holds hand over his heart* Oh my God.

Lucius - Forget what I said about my respect for this kid going down the drain, it's swooping right back up!

Severus - Lucius... that didn't sound right. At all.

Lucius - You're right.

Severus - But you're doing a great job of taking pleasure at Gryffindors' expenses!

Lucius - But of course. That's Slytherin Rule #4893.

Narcissa - Rule #4893 is actually that girls can't go into the boys' dorms for the sole purpose of... ahem, sleeping.

Lucius - Really? Well, I had Crabbe and Goyle read the rules to me while I tried to nap and had three puny house-elves feed me peeled grapes-

James - -Bad mental image-

Lucius - ...so they obviously screwed it up.

The boa constrictor jabbed its tail at the sign again and Harry read on: This specimen was bred in the zoo. "Oh, I see - so you've never been to Brazil?"

As the snake shook its head, a deafening shout behind Harry made both of them jump. "DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT IT'S DOING!"

Dudley came waddling toward them as fast as he could.

Lucius - That just states the obvious about his figure.

"Out of the way, you," he said, punching Harry in the ribs. Caught by surprise, Harry fell hard on the concrete floor. What came next happened so fast no one saw how it happened - one second, Piers and Dudley were leaning right up close to the glass, the next, they had leapt back with howls of horror. Harry sat up and gasped; the glass front of the boa constrictor's tank had vanished.

The great snake was uncoiling itself rapidly, slithering out onto the floor. People throughout the reptile house screamed and started running to the exits.

Lucius - DIE MUGGLES DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bellatrix - GO FIND MY COUSIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

McGonagall - *walking in again* Miss Black, your cousin appears to be sitting right next to you... is there a problem?

Bellatrix - *smiling angelically* No, Professor.

Lily - We were playing hide-and-go-seek.

Lucius - Actually, we were kidnapped and trapped here by some crazy fanfiction writer who wants us to read this *holds up book* book.

McGonagall - Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Well, Mister Malfoy, for your horrible excuse to get out of doing your Muggle Studies homework -

Lucius - I don't take muggle studies -

McGonagall - ALL POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!!! That's right Malfoy, your poor little House has no points left. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *Vanishes.*

Bellatrix/Severus/Narcissa -*Attempt to kill Lucius as Severus tosses the book in the air.*

Bill - *picks it up* Hey, this book has writing in it. I thought you were making it all up.

As the snake slid swiftly past him, Harry could have sworn a low, hissing voice said, "Brazil, here I come.... Thanksss, amigo."

Lily - How the hell did it learn Spanish?

The keeper of the reptile house was in shock.

"But the glass," he kept saying, "where did the glass go?"

The zoo director himself made Aunt Petunia a cup of strong, sweet tea while he apologized over and over again. Piers and Dudley could only gibber. As far as Harry had seen, the snake hadn't done anything except snap playfully at their heels as it passed, but by the time they were all back in Uncle Vernon's car, Dudley was telling them how it had nearly bitten off his leg, while Piers was swearing it had tried to squeezed him to death. But, worst of all, for Harry at least, was Piers calming down enough to say, "Harry was talking to it, weren't you, Harry?"

James - Oh, no.

Lily - What?

James - This is where he confesses, and Petunia and Vernon realize that he's a Slytherin through and through so they send him off to Durmstrang, where Tyler Krum murdrers him because Harry gets the girl Tyler's always loved.

Lily - *Slaps James very hard.*

Severus - Tyler Krum died in a Quidditch accident last week, Potter, and his one-year-old son Viktor now owns their estate.

James - Oh.

Uncle Vernon waited until Piers was safely out of the house before starting on Harry. He was so angry he could hardly speak. He managed to say, "Go - cupboard - stay - no meals," before collapsing into his chair.

James/Lily - CHILD ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucius - FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry lay in his dark cupboard much later, wishing he had a watch. He didn't know what time it was and he couldn't be sure the Dursleys were asleep yet. Until they were, he couldn't risk sneaking to the kitchen for some food.

Remus - You know, it's possible to actually go a month without eating anything, as long as you drink plenty of water.

Lily - My son will not go a month without food, Lupin!

He'd lived with the Dursleys almost ten years, ten miserable years, as long as he could remember, ever since he'd been a baby and his parents had died in that car crash. He couldn't remember being in the car when his parents had died. Sometimes, when he strained his memory during long hours in his cupboard, he came up with a strange vision: a blinding flash of green light and a burning pain on his forehead. This, he supposed, was the crash,

Lucius - CRASH? YOU IDIOT! DIDN'T YOU PAY ANY ATTENTION TO WHAT WAS GOING ON WHEN YOUR PARENTS DIED? *Ignores others' protests as he continues shouting.* GREEN LIGHT IS THE AVADA KEDAVRA CURSE, KID, AND YOU CAN'T SURVIVE THAT!

James - I ask again, Malfoy, what would you know about it?

Severus - Haven't you guessed?

*Lily and Marauders' eyes widen*

though he couldn't imagine where all the green light came from. He couldn't remember his parents at all. His aunt and uncle never spoke about them, and of course he was forbidden to ask questions. There were no photographs of them in the house.

When he had been younger, Harry had dreamed and dreamed of some unknown relation coming to take him away, but it had never happened; the Dursleys were his only family.

James - If by some miracle this book saves my life, I'm killing Wormtail first chance I get.

Me - Sorry, I'm going to have to erase your memories after this, James-ie.

James - NO! This book could be the difference between my life and death!

Me - Oh, well. At least Draco'll have a poor little orphan Gryffie to pick on.

Yet sometimes he thought (or maybe hoped) that strangers in the street seemed to know him. Very strange strangers they were, too.

Lucius - There you are, Black. Finally into the story.

A tiny man in a violet top hat had bowed to him once while out shopping with Aunt Petunia and Dudley.

Severus - If tiny means *measures James' height* four foot ten, then I think someone put a doubling charm on Mr. Potter here.

James - That doesn't even make sense.

Me - If my delete key worked, I would delete what he said, but sadly my keyboard is screwed up.

Lucius - Lovely. Now re-read that in pureblood language.

Rita Skeeter *running in in ridiculously high heels* - HI!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been invited to join in reading my cousin's story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All - NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me - Hi Rita. You're my idol. I love journalists who make kids' lives miserable. And who transform illegally into a bug.

Marauders - *look shifty*

Severus - ANOTHER CLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After asking Harry furiously if he knew the man,

Aunt Petunia had rushed them out of the shop without buying anything. A wild-looking old woman dressed all in green had waved merrily at him once on a bus. A bald man in a very long purple coat had actually shaken his hand in the street the other day and then walked away without a word. The weirdest thing about all these people was the way they seemed to vanish the second Harry tried to get a closer look.

Lily - Why didn't they rescue him?

At school, Harry had no one. Everybody knew that Dudley's gang hated that odd Harry Potter in his baggy old clothes and broken glasses, and nobody liked to disagree with Dudley's gang.

All - I DISAGREE WITH DUDLEY'S GANG!

*A large rock falls onto Hufflepuff tower and kills five kids.*

Me - See? The book even warned you!!!!

Lucius - So what's a fanfiction website?

Lily - *Explains*

All - *Scream and yell and run around protesting*

*Here are some of the things people yelled*

Lucius - I REFUSE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE DARK LORD! REFUSE! DIE SLASH DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! *Clutches arm in agony*

James - NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! EVIL EVIL EVIL FANFICTION WRITERS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT SNAPE!!!!!!!! ANYONE BUT SNAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bellatrix - NOT THE DARK LORD!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!! HE'S CHEATING ON LUCIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Narcissa - NOT FILCH!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All - *Stare*