A Crazy MST

A Crazy MST

By Michelle Malfoy

Chapter One

Remus - *Moaning, indicating a tawny owl that had just landed in James' mashed potatoes.* You're not serious. Oh, Merlin, is it... dead?

Sirius - Could be. *Sounding not the least bit worried.* Oi! he yelled, *Lifting up the owl by its tail.* You alive in there? *Shakes it, and after a moment the owl dropped its parcel and flew away.* How rude.

Peter - Uh, James, are you still gonna eat your mashed potatoes?

James - *replied by shoving it onto his friend's plate.* Knock yourself out. *Unwrapping the parcel the owl had carried.* Remus, that wasn't your mum's owl, was it?

Remus - No. I'm guessing it wasn't your mum's, right? Sirius?

Sirius - When have I ever gotten an owl before, unless you count my fan mail from all those girls? *Sweeps his long hair back behind his ears.*

Remus - Well, would you look at that. It's a book.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Peter - James, you know anyone named Harry?

James - No... *pulling off a piece of parchment from the front cover and reads:* "Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, James Potter, Lily Evans, Severus Snape, Bellatrix Black, Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa Black and Bill Weasley - meet in the Transfiguration classroom at seven - thirty on Saturday morning. Each of you has been sent this note, so don't worry about recruiting the others. Don't be late."

Sirius - Who's it from, Prongs?

James - Doesn't say. Hang on - whoever this is wants us to meet in that musty old room with Malfoy, Snape, ooh - Lily, Narcissa - sorry, Sirius, mate, but she's a nutter, Bellatrix - eugh, no way, and that weird first-year and they don't even have the courtesy to say please?

Remus - Come on, James, give it a rest. Let's go, it's seven - twenty - five. *Pulls friends up and exits room. Enters Transfiguration classroom and runs into Lily.*

Lily - What are you doing here?

James - My name's on the list, Lil. Hey, look. McGonagall finally redecorated. *Indicates a row of beanbag chairs facing one larger chair and sits in the 'special' one.*

Me - Get your ass out of my chair, now.

James - HEY! Who are you?

Bill - *snaps picture*

Me - Your boss. Sit, Bill. *Collects everyone's wands.*

Bill - *Sits*

Me - Listen, people. This book - this book was written by Rita Skeeter's cousin, Joanne Kathleen Rowling.

Remus - Rita said her cousin was brought forward into the future due to a mistake with her Time-Turner several years ago.

Me - That's true, and she wrote this book about what was going on in that future. So, I'm gonna lock you in and you'll have to read this because you'll have no other option. For the first chapter, I want - *points to Sirius* you to read. Ta-ta!

Bellatrix - Wait just a second. You're saying that I'm wasting my Saturday to read a bloody book written by Rita Skeeter's cousin? Not on your life.

Me - *ignoring her* Padfoot, start reading.

Sirius - Hey, how'd you know my nickname?

Me - I have my ways. Now if you don't start reading, I'll have to give Bellatrix permission to start singing.

Everyone (except Bellatrix) NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *climb under their beanbag chairs for safety*

Me - Sirius, start reading. NOW.

Sirius - *Quickly clambors onto his chair and begins reading.*

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four Privet Drive, were proud to say they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.

Everyone - muggles.

They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.

Lily - Hey, I know a Mr. Dursley. My sister's going out with him. He's a muggle, scared of magic, just like her.

James- *sounding thrilled* - You don't think...

Lily - *proceeding to hide under beanbag chair* - NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me - That's IT! *Snaps fingers and replaces all beanbag chairs with red and yellow pillows.

Bill - *Snaps picture*

Lily - *muffled because she was hiding under her pillow* - Even better.

Bill - *Snaps picture*

Sirius - Can I continue? I kinda want to see what happens.

Remus - You, Sirius Black, want to read?

All - WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO????????

Bill - Must... take... photograph... urge... too... strong... *Snaps picture*

Lucius/Bellatrix/Narcissa/Snape: Stop DOING that!

Bill - *Throws camera at them*

Lucius - *Throws camera out window*

Me - Litterbug, litterbug. Lucius Malfoy, you go pick that up right now.

Lucius - Who's gonna make me?

Me - I am.

Lucius - *Goes and picks up camera and destroys it with the "Diffindo" spell.

Bill - MY CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All except for Bill and Lucius - THANK YOU LUCIUS!!!!!!!! *Jump up and down in glee.*

Me - Sirius...

Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made drills.

Sirius - Drills?

Peter - Like the kind dentists use? *Runs away shrieking.*

Lucius - Oh, Merlin. Please don't tell me...

Me - Lucius, go get him.

Lucius - *Groaning as he gets up* Why me?

Me - You brought it up.

Peter - *Runs back in, still shrieking.*

Lucius - *Dangles him upside down by the window*

Bellatrix/Severus/Sirius/James/Narcissa - *Chant* DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

Lucius - *Drops Peter out window.*

Remus - *Gets up to go pick him up.*

Me - Don't bother. He's an idiot anyway.

Marauders - This is true.

He was a large, beefy man, with hardly any neck, although he did have a rather large mustache.

Lily - *Gloomy* Yes, that's Vernon.

Mrs Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck, which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbours.

James - If that's your sister, Lily, I can see the resemblance.

Lily - Lucius...

Lucius - As you wish. *Dangles him out window*

James - No! Have mercy! Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lily - You know, you're kinda cute when you're upside down. *Slaps herself.* Did I just say that out loud?

All except Lily & James - YES!

Lucius - Should I drop him? *Enjoying himself immensely*

All except Lucius and James - YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucius - *Drops James out window and locks it with a spell that can't be broken by Alohomora.*

Me - *sarcastic* Good going, Lucius. You managed to knock two people out without Crabbe and Goyle. What will you think of next?

James - *Banging on window* LET ME IN!!! MALFOY, LET ME IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucius - *Looks at Lily*

Lily - *Sighs* Fine... but make him beg for it first.

Lucius - *Yells* She says you have to beg first.

James - IT'S COLD OUT HERE! PLEASE LET ME IN!

Lucius - Good enough, Evans?

Lily - Fine...

Lucius - *Sulkily lets him in.*

James - *Chases Lucius around the room smacking him with a baseball bat that appeared out of nowhere.*

The Dursleys also had a small son called Dudley, and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere. The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that someone would discover it. They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters.

Lily - Typical.

James - HEY! I'm not that bad.

All except James - Wanna bet?

James - Five galleons it's not me.

Lily/Lucius/Snape/Bellatrix/Narcissa - You're on!

James - Does that mean that if I lose, I owe each of you five galleons?

Lily/Lucius/Snape/Bellatrix/Narcissa - Yes.

James - Fine.

Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister, but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister, because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish as it was possible to be.

Remus - That's not a word.

Lily - But it's in the book.

James - *Only now realizing something* HEY! I am NOT good-for-nothing.

All except James - Wanna bet?

James - Sorry, if I lose the other one I'll be fresh out of galleons.

Lucius - Damn.

The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the Potters arrived in the street.

Lily - Oh, that's an easy one. They'd say, "DUCK FOR COVER!"

James - Why?

Lucius - He really is dim, isn't he?

James - I am not in Hufflepuff, thank you very much.

Frank Longbottom (walking by outside, who just happened to hear them)- Hmph! How rude. Hufflepuff is accredited for...

Lucius - *Slams window shut.*

All - THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son too, but they had never seen him. This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away - they didn't want Dudley mixing with a boy like that.

James - A boy like... what, exactly?

Sirius - I bet he's a werewolf.

Remus - *Stands up and prepares to kill Sirius, then remembers that nobody knows he's a werewolf and sits down quickly.*

Snape - What was that all about. *To himself,* Must write that down in Dark Secrets to Discover Notebook.

Lucius - *somehow reading Snape's thoughts* Can you make a copy of that, Sev?

Snape - I'll get right on it.

When Mr and Mrs Dursley woke up on the dull, grey Tuesday our story starts, there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country.

Sirius - Maybe... this Potter kid -

Remus - His name is Harry.

Lily - Ooh, I like that name.

Sirius - *Loudly* Maybe, this Potter kid -

All - HARRY!

Sirius- *Very loudly* Maybe, HARRY was going to run around and kill people, or do whatever it is werewolves do when they're not around unregistered animagi.

Snape - Can you repeat that? I have to write it in my notebook.

Sirius - Sorry, no repeat performances.

Lucius - He said, and I quote, "Maybe, HARRY was going to run around and kill people, or do whatever it is werewolves do when they're not around unregistered animagi."

Snape - *Writing down in his notebook* Thanks, Lucius.

Lucius - Now will you make me a copy?

Mr. Dursley picked out his most boring tie for work and Mrs. Dursley gossipped away happily as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his highchair.

Sirius - You know, I'm starting to think that Dudley's a really awful name.

Lucius - That's just coming to your mind now?

Sirius - Uh-huh.

Lucius - Apparantly I'm not the only one who drops people on their heads, then.

Bill - I fixed my camera.

All except Bill - NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me - Lucius...

Lucius - My pleasure. *Takes camera and smacks Bill on the head with it.*

Bill - *Faints*

None of them noticed a large tawny owl flutter past the window. At half-past eight, Mr Dursley picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs Dursley on the cheek and tried to kiss Dudley goodbye but missed, because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls.

Bellatrix/Narcissa - *in perfect unison* Ugh. Babies.

"Little tyke," chortled Mr. Dursley as he picked up his briefcase and left the house. He got into his car and backed out of number four's drive.

Sirius - Car? Car? What's a car?

Lily/Remus - *take deep breaths and begin lecture in perfect unison* A moving automobile that uses oil and gas to transport muggles from place to place. They tend to be rather expensive and can fit more than one person in it at a time. They cause accidents at times, in which muggles get injured and sometimes die.

All except for our two bookworms - Oh.

It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar - a cat reading a map.

All - McGonagall.

McGonagall - *running into classroom to pick up her apparation license, after all it is her classroom* What are you all doing here? And did you call me?

All except McGonagall - No.

Lucius - We're having a Junior Death Eaters' meeting.

Bellatrix/Narcissa/Snape - Yuppers.

McGonagall - I see. DUMBLEDORE!!!!!! *Runs out of room, waving her arms in fright.*

James - *Standing up and approaching Lucius, stabbing his finger in the Malfoy's chest* I'll have you know, Malfoy, that the day I'm asked to be a Death Eater will be the day I die, if necessary.

Lucius - Keep reading, Black.

Bellatrix/Narcissa - Huh?

Luciuss - Him! Not you!

Bellatrix/Narcissa - Oh.

For a second, Mr Dursley didn't realise what he had seen -

Guys - EW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

then he jerked his head around to look again.

Sirius - Sounds like Mrs. Dursley's got some competition here.

There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of?

Sirius - Do you really want to know?

Remus/Lily - NO!!!!

Sirius - *Sounding slightly put out* Oh. Damn. Cause I wanted to share it with you.

Me - Please, Sirius, this story is freakin' PG! Don't make me change the rating because of you.

Sirius - Please?

Me - No.

Sirius - Pretty please?

Me - No.

Sirius - Pretty please with a cherry on top?

All except Sirius - NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It must have been a trick of the light. Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat. It stared back. As Mr Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in his mirror. It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive - no, looking at the sign; cats couldn't read maps or signs.

James - I wonder if McGonagall knows about her being in a book.

All except James - It's not McGonagall!

James - Yes it is!

All except James - Wanna bet?

James - No.

Lucius - Why? Scared you're gonna lose?

James - Ten galleons - you're on!

Lucius - Make it fifty.

James - Fine, fifty. *Knows he doesn't have fifty galleons but is positive that Lucius does.*

Mr Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind. As he drove towards town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day.

Peter - *Runs out of the room shrieking.*

Lucius - He must have dentist-phobia.

Lily - I believe the proper term is -

Lucius - Oh, shut it, Mudblood.

James - UGH!!! Um...

Me - Did you need something, James?

James - Can I have my wand back?

Me - I'm sorry, but if you kill Lucius he'll never have Draco.

Lucius - Who?

Me - *Smiles secretly* Oh, nobody.

Lucius - TELL ME!!!!

Me - *Whips out Draco poster.*

Lucius - Uh, that's me.

Me - No, that's your future son.

Lucius - What's his name?

All except Peter and Lucius - Draco.

Lucius - What House is he in?

Me - Hufflepuff.

Lucius - *Runs out of the room screaming.*

Me - *Locks door so he can't get back in even with Alohomora.*

James - YAY!!! Celebrate!!!!

Narcissa - Hey, you know, Lucius is kinda hot.

Me - I thought you'd think that.

Narcissa - Don't tell me...

Me - I swear.

Narcissa - Seriously?

Sirius - You rang?

Me - Shut up.

Sirius - How can I keep reading then?

Me - Well, keep reading.

But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else.

*Avery and Nott throw McNair into the door and it breaks. Lucius walks in, followed by Peter.*

Me - Reparo.

Door - *Fixes itself.*

Lucius - What'd I miss?

Severus - But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else.

Lucius - Oh. *Sits down.*

As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about. People in cloaks.

Lucius/Bellatrix/Narcissa/Severus - *Gleefully* DEATH EATERS!!!

Sirius - REGULUS!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regulus - *appearing from nowhere* Hey, Siri. What's new?

Me - You weren't invited. Shoo!

Regulus - No. I wanna join the Death Eater party.

Me - You're nine, Reggie.

Regulus - Don't call me that!

Sirius - *Loudly* REDANDO VANCOOLIA!

Everyone - *Stares at Sirius*

Sirius - Professor Hevdiny said that's the demon-banishing spell.

Regulus - Fine, be that way. See ya later, Narcissa, Bellatrix. *Vanishes.*

Remus/Lily - According to page 489 of Hogwarts: A History, you can't Apparate or Disapparate on the Hogwarts grounds. And Reggie's only nine, anyway.

Disembodied Voice That Sounds Like Reggie - DON'T CALL ME THAT! MUM!!! DAD!!!!

Mr Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes - The get-ups you saw on young people!

Lucius - This guy's a nutter. One minute he's staring at McGonagall, who's completely naked, might I add, and the next he's whining about our clothes. I can't believe this guy. He may as well wear a sign around his neck saying I'm A Player, Don't Come Near Me.

Lily - I quite agree.

He supposed this was some stupid new fashion. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and his eyes fell on a huddle of these weirdos standing quite close by. They were whispering excitedly together. Mr Dursley was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all - why, that man had to be older than he was, and wearing an emerald-green cloak! The nerve of him!

Lucius - Ugh. Dursley's a Gryffindor.

Lily - He's a muggle.

Lucius - I repeat, ugh. Dursley's a Gryffindor.

Lily - What's wrong with Gryffindor?

Lucius - *Whistling* Oh, nothing.

But then it struck Mr Dursley that this was probably some silly stunt - these people were obviously collecting for something... yes, that would be it.

Bellatrix - I can see it now - Muggles Donating to the Support the Death Eaters Fund. What do you think, Lucius? Think we should try it?

Lucius - And for every muggle who doesn't give us every last Knut they own, we get to practice our wonderful Unforgivable Curses. Yay!

Crickets - Chirp chirp. Chirp chirp.

The traffic moved on and a few minutes later, Mr Dursley arrived in the Grunnings car park, his mind back on drills. Mr Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor. If he hadn't, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning. He didn't see the owls swooping past in broad daylight, though people in the street did; they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead. Most of them had never seen an owl even at night-time. Mr. Dursley, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning. He yelled at five different people.

Narcissa - Oh, bravo, Mr. Dursley.

He made several very important telephone calls and shouted a bit more. He was in a very good mood until lunch-time, when he thought he'd stretch his legs and walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the baker's opposite. He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker's. He eyed them angrily as he passed. He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy.

Lucius - Maybe -

Lily - Don't say it, Malfoy. Don't even think it.

Me - Bellatrix, if you would -

All except Bellatrix - *Grab pillows fiercely and fold them over their ears.*

Bellatrix - Hmm. I know a few muggle songs, which one should I do?

Me - Do you know those horrible Hilary Duff songs?

Bellatrix - Unfortunately.

Me - Do one of those.

All except Bellatrix - NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bellatrix - When I'm in a crowd, or on an island by myself, *window shatters* silent or too loud, wishing I was somewhere else -

Sirius - I quite agree.

Bellatrix - And I can't believe, you hit me fast and hard, when you turned to me and said you can change the way you are. Try to catch your eye, things will never look the same -

James - And neither will my eardrums.

Bellatrix - Now you can't deny, you're the moth and I'm the flame. Here I go again, I should walk before I -

All except Bellatrix - RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bellatrix - How'd you know? Anyway, How can I explain; I can't stop -

All except Bellatrix - You'd better!

Bellatrix - but you've begun. I'm falling through the door -

Lucius - An escape route! *Tries the door but it is locked*

Bellatrix - flying 'cross the floor. When you look at me suddenly it's clear you're burning on my dreams, as crazy as it seems, I don't wanna be anywhere but here -

Sirius - I entirely disagree.

Bellatrix - is the place where my head is spinning -

James - That's funny, so is mine!

Bellatrix - time is beginning to race away. You kinda threw me, knocked me off my feet -

James - No, hon, that's your singing.

Bellatrix - gave me wings to fly, rainbows passin' by, yeah. I'm falling through the door, flying 'cross the floor, when you look at me suddenly it's clear you're burning on my dreams, as crazy as it seems, I don't wanna be anywhere but here. Anywhere but heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere. *Another window shatters.*

Bill - I want my camera back.

Lucius - It would've shattered.

Bill - YOU made it shatter.

Lucius - How right you are, Weasley.

This lot were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin. It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut in a bag, that he caught a few words of what they were saying.
'The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard-'

'-yes, their son, Harry -'

Mr. Dursley stopped dead. Fear flooded him.

Sirius - What, can't he swim?

Lily - It's an expression, you nitwit.

James - And anyway, fat floats.

He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it.
He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him, seized his telephone and had almost finished dialling his home phone number before he thought better of it. He put the receiver back down and stroked his moustache, thinking...

Lucius - That's a first.

Narcissa - For him, at least, but not some of us.

Lucius - Huh?

Narcissa - Look at Weasley.

*Bill was sitting on his pillow, his eyes wide and his mouth open, rocking back and forth.*

no, he was being stupid.

James - And here I was thinking it was just acting.

Lucius - Nope, just the way he is.

Lily - But not all Muggles are like that, you know.

Lucius - But it must run in your family, Mudblood.

James - How dare you! *Jumps up and walks towards Lucius.* Apologize right bloody now!

Lucius - *sneering* Make me, Potter.

Me - Bellatrix...

Lucius - NO! NO, I'm sorry. Please no! Not the singing! Anything but the singing!

Bellatrix - I think I have a wonderful voice.

James - *under his breath* Wanna bet?

Bellatrix - I heard that!

Me - SHUT UP and let Sirius tell the damn story!

Sirius - Thank you. Not like I was enjoying it or anything...

Potter wasn't such an unusual name. He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry.

Lucius *drawling sarcastically* James! We didn't know you were such a player.

James - Shut up, Malfoy.

Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure his nephew was called Harry. He'd never even seen the boy. It might have been Harvey. Or Harold. There was no point in worrying Mrs Dursley; she always got so upset at any mention of her sister.

Narcissa/Bellatrix - Hmph.

Sirius - I don't like my brother, does that count.

Regulus' Voice coming from who knows where - I HEARD THAT!!

Sirius - *yelling* GOOD FOR YOU!!

He didn't blame her - if he'd had a sister like that... but all the same, those people in cloaks...
He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon and when he left the building at five o'clock, he was still so worried that he walked straight into someone outside the door. 'Sorry,' he grunted as the tiny old man stumbled and almost fell. It was a few seconds before Mr Dursley realised that the man was wearing a violet cloak. He didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground. On the contrary, his face split into a wide smile and he said in a squeaky voice that made passers-by stare: 'Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!'

Lucius - I disagree.

Bellatrix/Narcissa/Severus - Me too!

Me - Well, whoever said you're sane?

Severus - My mum... once.

James - Believe me, Snivellus, she was wrong.

Sirius/Peter - Oh, yeah!

Me - I think so too!

James - All in favor?

All except Snape - ME!

James - *sounding disgusted* You're supposed to say 'Aye!'

Peter - *rhyming* I before E, except after C...

Bellatrix - *sounding equally disgusted* He is a nut job.

All except Peter - I agree.

Me - He'll be worse when he grows up. *Slaps hand to mouth.*

Remus - What was that?

Me - Um...

Bellatrix - Tell, or I'll start singing.

All except Bellatrix - TELL HER, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me - No way. I've got headphones.

Lily - *Snatches headphones.* Lucius...

Lucius - What are these things?

Lily - A muggle thing.

Remus/Lily - And according to page 289 of Hogwarts: A History, muggle electronics don't work around Hogwarts.

Lucius - Oh. Well, if it's muggle... *Reaches hand towards window*

Me - You do, you die.

Lucius - Huh?

Me - Muggle expression. Humor me.

And the old man hugged Mr Dursley round the middle and walked off.

Lucius - *Throws headphones out window.*

Me - Couldn't that have been done before Sirius started reading?

Lucius - No.

Me - Oh. Just asking.

Mr Dursley stood rooted to the spot. He had been hugged by a complete stranger. He also thought he had been called a Muggle, whatever that was.

Lily - Don't bother asking. Muggles don't know what Muggles are because they're muggles. And they don't know what wizards are, either.

Lucius - *sarcastic* Really?

He was rattled. He hurried to his car and set off home, hoping he was imagining things, which he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of imagination.

All - *Gasp!*

Peter - Imagination is the key to success.

All but Peter - *Turn and stare at Peter.*

Me - Ignore him.

Peter - HEY! I resent that!

All - *Ignore him.*

As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw - and it didn't improve his mood - was the tabby cat he'd spotted that morning. It was now sitting on his garden wall.

Lucius - Whoa, I didn't know cats move in the muggle world.

Me - That's only photographs, Lucy.

Lucius - Don't call me that!

All except Bellatrix and Narcissa and Snape - Lucy Lucy Lucy!!!!!!

Lucius - Bellatrix, would you mind...

Bellatrix - If you can't do the math, get it out of the equation, I am calling you back, this is star 69.

Lucius - What's star sixty-nine?

Lily - I don't... I don't know.

All except Lily - *Gasp!*

Lucius - Weasley, here's a camera. *Holds out very expensive non-disposable camera.

Bill - *Snaps five photos at Lily.*

Lily - This is not a photo shoot!

All except Lily and me - A what?

Lily - Forget it.

He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings round its eyes.
'Shoo!' said Mr Dursley loudly. The cat didn't move. It just gave him a stern look. Was this normal cat behaviour, Mr Dursley wondered. Trying to pull himself together, he let himself into the house. He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife.

Mrs Dursley had had a nice, normal day.

She told him over dinner about Mrs Next Door's problems with her daughter and how Dudley had learnt a new word ('won't). Mr Dursley tried to act normally. When Dudley had been put to bed, he went into the living-room in time to catch the last report on the evening news.
'And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today.

Lucius - I didn't know that flying was unusual - for a bird.

Lily - Or for James.

Lucius - Or me.

Narcissa and Bellatrix - *Gazing at Lucius dreamily* My hero.

Snape - It's just a Quidditch cup.

Lucius - *Enjoying the attention* Actually, it's seven Quidditch cups.

Bill - Six.

Lucius - No, I think it's seven.

Bill - Hey, I can count.

Lucius - Whoa. I didn't know Weasleys could count.

Bill - Some can't.

All except Bill - *Laugh.*

Although owls normally hunt at night and are hardly ever seen in daylight, there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in all directions since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern.' The news reporter allowed himself a grin. 'Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim McGuffin with the weather. Going to be any more showers of owls tonight, Jim?'
'Well, Ted,' said the weatherman, 'I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today. Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire and Dundee have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars! Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early - it's not until next week, folks! But I can promise a wet night tonight.'

Mr Dursley sat frozen in his armchair. Shooting stars all over Britain? Owls flying by daylight? And a whisper, a whisper about the Potters...

Lucius - That's probably because they don't want to be seen talking about them loudly, or people will think they're friends.

James - HEY!

Mrs Dursley came into the living-room carrying two cups of tea. It was no good. He'd have to say something to her. He cleared his throat nervously. 'Er - Petunia, dear - you haven't heard from your sister lately, have you?'

Sirius - She's gonna blow! *Hides under pillow and throws book into the air.*

Me - Fine. Remus' turn.

Remus - NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me - Or, you know, Bellatrix could sing the words.

Remus - Give me the damn book.

As he had expected, Mrs Dursley looked shocked and angry. After all, they normally pretended she didn't have a sister.

Bellatrix - I used to try that, but *sob* it never worked.

Narcissa - *Gives stern look.*

Bellatrix - Only joking, just kidding around.

Narcissa - You'd better be.

'No,' she said sharply. 'Why?'
'Funny stuff on the news,' Mr Dursley mumbled. 'Owls ... shooting stars ... and there were a lot of funny-looking people in town today ...'

Bellatrix - Ooh, look, Lucius looks interested.

Lucius - I am not!

Bill - *Snaps photo.*

Lucius - *Grabs camera and throws it.*

Me - Lucius...

Lucius - NO!

Me - Bellatrix, would you mind...

All except Bellatrix: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucius - I refuse.

Bellatrix - When the night won't fall, and the sun won't rise, and I see the best, as I close my eyes. And I reach the top as I bottom out and I understand what it's all about. Nothing's ever what it seems, in real life or in your dreams.

Sirius - *Grabbing the book* Sorry, cousin, but this is for the sake of all of us.

'So?' snapped Mrs Dursley.

'Well, I just thought ... maybe ... it was something to do with ... you know... her lot.'

Mrs Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips. Mr Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name 'Potter'. He decided he didn't dare. Instead he said, as casually as he could, 'Their son - he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?'

Lucius - Normally, Mr. Dursley, if someone is born at around the same time as someone else, they're always going to be the same age.

Narcissa - *Sarcastic* Really?

Peter - *Not sarcastic* Yeah, really?

James - You're joking, right?

Peter - Uh. No.

All except Peter - *Laugh hysterically*

'I suppose so,' said Mrs Dursley stiffly.

Lily - Hmph. She didn't go to the bris?

All except Lily and Me - The what?

Lily - Sorry, I really can't answer that one.

Me - Good move.

Lily - It's... um... this... thing. *Makes awkward hand motions.*

Boys - *Laugh hysterically.*

Me - *To Lily* Bad move.

'What's his name again? Howard, isn't it?'

Me - My father's name is Howard.

Lucius - My uncle's name is Scorpio.

All - *Turn to stare at Lucius.*

Lucius - What?

Narcissa/Me/Bellatrix - I'm a Scorpio.

Lily - I'm an Aries.

Sirius - Once again, I must interrupt.

'Harry. Nasty, common name, if you ask me.'

Lucius - What page are we on?

Sirius - *Shows him*

Lucius - Okay. That's just superbulous.

Remus/Lily - THAT'S NOT A WORD!

Lucius - Yeah, so?

Peter - I want a doughnut.

All - *Turn to stare at Peter.*

Bill - You know what, I want a doughnut too.

Me - *Snaps fingers. It's raining doughnuts.*

Bill/Peter - YAY!!!!!!!!!!! *Dive into the pile of doughnuts and sing together.*

Bellatrix - *Wistfully* Ah, music...

All - NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

'Oh yes,' said Mr Dursley, his heart sinking horribly. 'Yes, I quite agree.'

James/Lily - It's better than DUDLEY!!!!!

All - *Turn to stare at James and Lily.*

Bill - They actually agreed on something.

Severus - Hallelujah.

Narcissa - Who are you and what have you done with Lily?

Lucius - Who the hell cares? Maybe she's dead... Ah.

Lily - Shut up.

He didn't say another word on the subject as they went upstairs to bed. While Mrs Dursley was in the bathroom, Mr Dursley crept to the bedroom window and peered down into the front garden. The cat was still there. It was staring down Privet Drive as though it was waiting for something.

Lucius - Hmm. I wonder what that could be.

Sirius - *Reading ahead* Can I skip the next hundred pages?

Me - NO!

Lucius - *Imitating me* YES!

Sirius - Okay, if you say so... *grinning*

Was he imagining things? Could all this have anything to do with the Potters? If it did... if it got out that they were related to a pair of - well, he didn't think he could bear it.

Peter - There's a song that goes like that.

Bellatrix - *Begins singing*

All - *Chase Peter around the room.*

Me - Shut UP!

Bellatrix - Moi?

Me - The one and only.

James - *Cough- thank God- cough.*

The Dursleys got into bed. Mrs Dursley fell asleep quickly but Mr Dursley lay awake, turning it all over in his mind. His last, comforting thought was that even if the Potters were involved, there was no reason for them to come near him and Mrs Dursley.

Lucius - That's comforting?

James - They can do with a bit of adventure.

Sirius - We ought to liven them up a bit.

Peter - A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z. Now I know my ABC's, next time won't you sing with me?

All - *Stare at Peter.*

Peter - You said 'We ought to liven them up a bit!'

James - Yeah... so?

The Potters knew very well what he and Petunia thought about them and their kind ... He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on - he yawned and turned over - it couldn't affect them ... How very wrong he was. Mr Dursley might have been drifting off into an uneasy sleep, but the cat on the wall outside was showing no signs of sleepiness. It was sitting still as a statue, its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive.

Lucius - What kind of name is that?

Bellatrix - A muggle one.

James/Sirius - *Sarcastic* You think?

Peter - I think... but I'm not sure.

All - *Slap hands to foreheads, muttering about idiots.*

Peter - Did I miss something?

James - Hey, can you go get the camera?

Peter - Why?

James - I don't know. I want to see Malfoy get annoyed.

Lucius - Why? Am I - *tosses hair*- sexy when I'm annoyed?

Lily/Narcissa/Bellatrix - YES!!!

Bellatrix - You're always sexy, Lucy.

Lucius - MY NAME IS LUCIUS!

Narcissa - He's even sexier when he's angry.

Lily - Oh, yeah!

It didn't so much as quiver when a car door slammed in the next street, nor when two owls swooped overhead. In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all.

Lily - Sounds like the same McGonagall, even in the future.

James - How so?

Lily - I mean, she patrolls until midnight, doesn't she?

James - And how would you know?

Lily - *Sputters incoherently*

All except Lily - BUSTED!

Lucius - *Grabs camera from outside and hands it to Bill.*

Bill - *Snaps photo.*

A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching, appeared so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground. The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed. Nothing like this man had ever been seen in Privet Drive. He was tall, thin and very old, judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt. He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak which swept the ground and high-heeled, buckled boots. His blue eyes were light, bright and sparkling behind half-moon spectacles and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice.

Narcissa - I never broke anything.

Bellatrix - Except for that vase back when you were seven.

Narcissa - Well, yeah. But that wasn't my fault.

Bellatrix - How so?

Narcissa - You pushed me.

Bellatrix - So?

Narcissa - You pushed me.

Bellatrix - I repeat, so?

This man's name was Albus Dumbledore. Albus Dumbledore didn't seem to realise that he had just arrived on a street where everything from his name to his boots was unwelcome. He was busy rummaging in his cloak, looking for something. But he did seem to realise he was being watched, because he looked up suddenly at the cat, which was still staring at him from the other end of the street. For some reason, the sight of the cat seemed to amuse him.

Lucius - You wanna know what I think?

Bellatrix - I won't tell you what I'm thinkin' cause it's not the same thing you're thinking too...

Lucius - *Ears covered* Er... right.

James - You wanna know what I think?

Remus/Lily - NO.

James/Lucius - Fine, be that way.

All - *Stare.*

James/Lucius - Did we just agree on something?

Lily - Er, yeah.

James/Lucius - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sirius - *Talking over them* OKAY...

He chuckled and muttered, 'I should have known.' He found what he was looking for in his inside pocket. It seemed to be a silver cigarette lighter. He flicked it open, held it up in the air, and clicked it. The nearest street lamp went out with a little pop. He clicked it again - the next lamp flickered into darkness. Twelve times he clicked the Put-Outer, until the only lights left in the whole street were two tiny pinpricks in the distance, which were the eyes of the cat watching him.

Sirius - I'm betting he doesn't want the Dursleys to see...

Remus - SIRIUS BLACK! THIS BOOK IS A CHILDREN'S BOOK, NOT A DISGUSTING BOOK THAT DISPLAYS YOUR DIRTY THINKING AND SOURCES OF AMUSEMENT. IT IS NOT A SEX BOOK, IT IS A BOOK WRITTEN BY JOANNE KATHLEEN ROWLING, COUSIN OF RITA SKEETER, TO TELL ABOUT THE FUTURE. GOT THAT?

Sirius - *Squeaks* Yes, sir. *Nods.*

Me - Good yelling, Remus. Nice lecture, too. You're my new lecturer.

All - NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If anyone looked out of their window now, even beady-eyed Mrs Dursley, they wouldn't be able to see anything that was happening down on the pavement. Dumbledore slipped the Put-Outer back inside his cloak and set off sown the street towards number four, where he sat down on the wall next to the cat. He didn't look at it, but after a moment he spoke to it. 'Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall.'

Lucius - Why doesn't he just call her Minerva?

McGonagall - *walking in to get her purse* Five points from Slytherin, Mr. Malfoy.

Lucius - What'd I do?

McGonagall/Remus/Lily - According to page 133 of Hogwarts: A History, Rule number 489 of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry strictly prohibits students from calling professors by their first names.

McGonagall - Fifty points to Gryffindor for your excellent study habits and choice of reading material.

Lily - Thank you, Professor. *Smiles angelically.*

He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone. Instead he was smiling at a rather severe-looking woman who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings the cat had had around its eyes. She, too, was wearing a cloak, an emerald one.

Snape/Narcissa/Bellatrix/Lucius - SLYTHERIN!!! YAY!!!!

Peter - What's Slytherin?

Her black hair was drawn into a tight bun. She looked distinctly ruffled. 'How did you know it was me?' she asked.

'My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly.'

'You'd be stiff if you'd been sitting on a brick wall all day,' said Professor McGonagall.

Lucius - She's a Death Eater in disguise, then.

James - *Outraged* What makes you say that?

Lucius - Flitwick said that the Dark Lord was vanquished.

All - So?

Lucius - If McGonagall wasn't celebrating, doesn't that mean something?

'All day? When you could have been celebrating? I must have passed a dozen feasts and parties on my way here.'
Professor McGonagall sniffed angrily.
'Oh yes, everyone's celebrating, all right,' she said impatiently. 'You'd think they'd be a bit more careful, but no - even the Muggles have noticed something's going on. It was on their news.'

Lucius - *Sarcastic* Really?

Peter - Isn't that what it said? Sirius, read it again. *Tries to grab the book.*

Sirius - *Snatches it back.* Fuck off, Wormtail.

Lily/Remus - Ooh.

McGonagall - One hundred points from Gryffindor.

Lucius - *Eyes widen* I thought you left, Professor.

McGonagall - I did, after awarding Miss Evans with her House Points. But I just got back fifteen seconds ago.

Lucius - *Breathes sigh of relief.*

McGonagall - *Walks out.*

Flocks of owls... shooting stars... Well, they're not completely stupid. They were bound to notice something. Shooting stars over in Kent - I'll bet that was Dedalus Diggle. He never had much sense.'

'You can't blame them,' said Dumbledore gently. 'We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years.'
'I know that, said Professor McGonagall irritably. 'But that's no reason to lose our heads.

Lucius - Lose our heads? Why the hell would we do that?

Lily - *patiently* It's an expression, Lucy.

Lucius - FOR THE LAST TIME, MY NAME IS NOT LUCY. MY NAME IS LUCIUS OCTAVIAN MALFOY, AND I WILL NOT SAY IT AGAIN.

People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight, not even dressed in Muggle clothes, swapping rumours. She threw a sharp, sideways glance at Dumbledore here, as though hoping he was going to tell her something, but he didn't, so she went on: 'A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last, the Muggles found out about as all. I suppose he really has gone, Dumbledore?'

Lucius - *as Dumbledore* Call him by his proper name... yadda yadda yadda.

Lily/Remus - Don't insult him!

Lucius - *to Bellatrix and Narcissa* I think they're just perfect for each other.

Bellatrix - *whispers something back.*

Lucius - Three, two, one.

*Bellatrix and Lucius shove Lily and Remus into each other's faces. Lily kisses Remus. Remus kisses Lily.*

James - Lily! How could you?

Lucius - *as Lily* Sorry, James-ie-boy, I've secretly loved him all these years.

Lily - *finally letting go of Remus* Why I oughtta...

Remus - I kind of liked that.

Lily - *quickly* Me too!

'It certainly seems so,' said Dumbledore. 'We have much to be thankful for. Would you care for a sherbert lemon?' 'A what?'
'A sherbert lemon. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of.'

Lucius/Bellatrix/Narcissa - EW!!!!!!!!!! MUGGLE FOOD! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lily - HEY! My mother is a muggle cook, and she makes excellent food.

Lucius - *under his breath* Shows how much you know.

'No, thank you,' said Professor McGonagall coldly, as though she didn't think this was the moment for sherbert lemons. 'As I say, even if You-Know-Who has gone-'
'My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this "You-Know-Who" nonsense - for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: Voldemort'. Professor McGonagall flinched, but Dumbledore, who was unsticking two sherbert lemons, seemed not to notice. 'It all gets so confusing if we keep saying "You-Know-Who".

Lucius - That's why I call him "The Dark Lord."

Bellatrix - I thought it was because -

Lucius - *Slaps hand to Bellatrix's mouth.*

I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying Voldemort's name.'
'I know you haven't,' said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring. 'But you're different. Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know- oh, all right, Voldemort, was frightened of.'

Lucius - Shows how much 'everyone' knows.

Bellatrix - What do you mean?

Lucius - I mean that He's not afraid of bleeping Dumbledore.

Lily - How would you know?

Lucius - Never you mind.

'You flatter me,' said Dumbledore calmly. 'Voldemort had powers I will never have.'
'Only because you're too - well - noble to use them.'
'It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she like my new ear-muffs.'

Professor McGonagall shot a sharp look at Dumbledore and said, 'The owls are nothing to the rumours that are flying around. You know what everyone's saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?'

Lucius - Oh, this should be interesting.

Snape - Don't forget to tell your old buddy Tom what he should be on the lookout for.

Remus - Sirius, I don't think we should tell them.

Sirius - They're not Death Eaters, Remus. They're just Slythies.

James - And the difference is...

It seemed that Professor McGonagall had reached the point she was most anxious to discuss, the real reason she had been waiting on a cold hard wall all day, for neither as a cat nor as a woman had she fixed Dumbledore with such a piercing stare as she had now. It was plain that whatever 'everyone' was saying, she was not going to believe it until Dumbledore told her it was true. Dumbledore, however, was choosing another sherbert lemon and did not answer. 'What they're saying,' she pressed on, is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow. He went to find the Potters. The rumour is that Lily and James Potter are - are - that they're - dead.'

Lily - Back up.

James - Did you say Lily and James Potter?

Lily - Oh, no.

James - YES!!!!!!!!!!

Lily - And what was that other part? The end of the sentence?

Sirius - *is in tears.*

Remus - *is in tears.*

Peter - *is in tears.*

Lucius - Ugh. Sentementality. It says, and I quote, that "Lily and James Potter are - are- that they're dead."

Lily/James - DEAD?

Lucius - It happens to everyone.

Lily/James - SHUT UP!

Lucius - Fine. I'll read, then.

Dumbledore bowed his head. Professor McGonagall gasped.

James - NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lily and James ... I can't believe it ... I didn't want to believe it ... Oh, Albus ...' Dumbledore reached out and patted her on the shoulder. 'I know ... I know ...' he said heavily. Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on: 'That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill the Potters' son, Harry.

James - NO WAY! I will NEVER have kids. NEVER.

Lily - I will NEVER have a kid with THAT THING. *Points to James.*

James - Oh, I'm a thing, am I?

Lucius - According to this book, you're a very dead thing.

But - he couldn't. He couldn't kill that little boy. No one knows why, or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke - and that's why he's gone.

Lucius - Ugh. I'll have to tell him to watch out for cute little kids named Harry born to two people who detest each other.

Bellatrix - You do that, Lucy.

Lucius - *Steam pours from his ears.*

Dumbledore nodded glumly.
'It's - it's true ?' faltered Professor McGonagall. 'After all he's done... all the people he's killed...

Sirius - *falls onto the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, with his arms spread out and his legs kicking the air.*

Remus - *no longer crying* We should do something.

Peter - Cupcake?

All - SHUT UP!

Me - You know, a certain Marauder betrayed Lily and James to Voldemort.

*Slaps hand over mouth.*

Sirius - WHICH ONE? I'm GONNA- I'M GONNA KILL HIM!!!

Me - Peter, run.

Peter - It wasn't me! I didn't do it!

Me - Uh, yeah, you did.

Sirius - *Gets up and chases Peter fiercely around the entire school, slamming the door very loudly as he races out of the room*

he couldn't kill a little boy? It's just astounding... of all the things to stop him... but how in the name of heaven did Harry survive?'

Lucius - More like in the name of hell, if he ever wants to see his daddy again.

All - Shut UP, Lucius!

Lucius - Just saying...

'We can only guess,' said Dumbledore. 'We may never know.'

James - I bet Remus knows. Maybe it's in Hogwarts: A History.

Lily - Somehow, honey, I doubt that.

Professor McGonagall pulled out a lace handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes beneath her spectacles. Dumbledore gave a great sniff as he took a golden watch from his pocket and examined it. It was a very odd watch. It had twelve hands but no numbers; instead, little planets were moving around the edge.

James - Planets, eh?

It must have made sense to Dumbledore, though, because he put it back in his pocket and said, 'Hagrid's late.

James - Oh, Lord. What's Hagrid doing with MY child?

Remus - We can only guess. We may never know.

James - Déjà vu.

Peter - *running back in, quickly locking the door so Sirius doesn't get in too* What's that mean?

Lucius - It means, get the hell out of here.

McGonagall - *her voice coming from the sky* TWENTY POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!!!!

Lucius - Oh, fuck.

McGonagall - MAKE THAT TWENTY-FIVE.

Lucius - *had the sense to stay silent.*

I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here, by the way?' 'Yes,' aid Professor McGonagall. 'And I don't suppose you're going to tell me why you're here, of all places?'
'I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle.They're the only family he has left now.'

James - Oh, remind me to owl Mum when this nutter lets us out of here.

Me - I am NOT a nutter.

Lucius - Wanna bet?

James - Sorry, fresh out of galleons.

Lucius - Oh, and speaking of which, you owe me sixty galleons.

James - That's going to be a problem.

Severus/Lily/Narcissa/Bellatrix - And you owe me five galleons.

James - *unlocks door and sees Sirius*

Sirius - *lunges at Peter*

James - *whispers* Sirius, mate, can I have eighty galleons?

Sirius - I don't have any, I spent them all on chocolate. Ask Malfoy.

James - He's the one I owe the galleons to.

Sirius - Oh.

Lucius - Black, finish reading the chapter NOW.

Sirius - As you wish. *Throws book at Lucius.*

Lucius - Wait 'till my father hears about this.

Me - That definetly sounds familiar.

Lucius - Something to do with that Draco twit?

Me - Yeah.

Lucius - So I'm still going to be rich in the future?

Me - Oh, yeah!

Lucius - Who's Draco's mother, anyway?

Me - Her. *Points to Narcissa, who blushes.*

'You don't mean - you can't mean the people who live here ?' cried Professor McGonagall, jumping to her feet and pointing at number four. 'Dumbledore - you can't. I've been watching them all day.

Sirius - So, McGonagall, tell me, might there be a Dudley Jr. on the way?

McGonagall - WHATEVER THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN, FIFTY POINTS FROM SLTYHERIN!

Sirius - But, Professor, I'm in Gryffindor. *Says this very quietly so she won't hear.*

You couldn't find two people who are less like us. And they've got this son - I saw him kicking his mother all the way up the street, screaming for sweets. Harry Potter come and live here!'

James - For once, Professor, I agree with you.

Sirius - Something I don't understand. Why are they making so much fuss?

'It's the best place for him,' said Dumbledore firmly.

James - Yeah, right.

'His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he's older. I've written them a letter.'

'A letter?' repeated Professor McGonagall faintly, sitting back down on the wall. 'Really, Dumbledore, you think you can explain all this in a letter? These people will never understand him! He''ll be famous - a legend - I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future - there will be books written about Harry - every child in our world will know his name!'

James - I kinda miss how they were whining about me being dead. Can we rewind to that part?

Lucius - Nah, that part was boring. This is much better."

Sirius - Where'd Peter go?

Me - Out through the window. He's scared of you, Sirius.

Sirius - As he should be.

Exactly,' said Dumbledore, looking very seriously over the top of his half-moon glasses. 'It would be enough to turn any boy's head.' Famous before he can walk and talk! Famous for something he won't even remember! Can't you see how much better off he'll be, growing up away from all that until he's ready to take it?'

James - I think he'd like living with me better, don't you think?

Lily - No. He'd like me better.

Remus - Lily, darling, I think we ought to stop yelling so Malfoy can read. Okay?

Lily - *crying* Fine, if that's how you want to be!

Professor McGonagall opened her mouth, changed her mind,'Yes - yes, you're right, of course. But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?' She eyed his cloak suddenly as though she thought he might be hiding Harry underneath it.

'Hagrid's bringing him.'

James - NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't I get a say in this?

Sirius - Uh, James, you're dead.

James - Don't rub it in, Padfoot. How do we know you're not dead?

'You think it - wise - to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?'

James - No.

'I would trust Hagrid with my life,' said Dumbledore.

'I'm not saying his heart isn't in the right place,' said Professor McGonagall grudgingly, 'but you can't pretend he's not careless. He does tend to - what was that?

Snape - How the hell can she hear my stomach through the freaking book?

A low rumbling sound had broken the silence around them. It grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a headlight; it swelled to a roar as they both looked up at the sky - and a huge motorbike fell out of the air and landed on the road in front of them. If the motorbike was huge, it was nothing to the man sitting astride it. He was almost twice the height of a normal man - and at least five times as wide. He looked simply too big to be allowed, and so wild - long tangles of bushy black hair and beard hid most of his face, he had hands the size of dustbin lids and his feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins. In his vast, muscular arms he was holding a bundle of blankets.

James - My son had better be alive in there!

'Hagrid,' said Dumbledore, sounding relieved. 'At last. And where did you get that motorbike?'

Lucius - The same place Arthur Weasley -

Bill - My dad!

Lucius - The same place Arthur Weasley bought his car.

Bill - The greenish blue one?

Lucius - He has more than one?

'Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir,' said the giant, climbing carefully off the motorbike as he spoke. 'Young Sirius Black lent it me.

Sirius - YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I get a motorbike, I get a motorbike. And that means I'm not dead! Whoo-hoo!

James - And I'm glad you're helping out the next generation of Potters.

Sirius - Sorry I couldn't save you, buddy.

Lily - As long as Harry is fine, I don't mind if James is dead.

Remus - Lily! You don't mean that.

Lily - Fine, I don't. But I'm glad Harry is okay.

Remus - He has to be, there's a whole series of these damn books. It says so on the first page.

I've got him, sir.'

'No problems, were there?'

'No, sir - house was almost destroyed but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' round. He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol.'

Lucius - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

James - Phew, he's OK. I'm happy now.

Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall bent forward over the bundle of blankets. Inside, just visible, was a baby boy, fast asleep. Under a tuft of jet-black hair -

Lily - JAMES! *Smacks him with her purse.* You passed on your stupid hair genes to my child. How DARE you! You evil - scummy - good for nothing - *She hits him after every word.*

-over his forehead they could see a curiously-shaped cut, like a bolt of lightning. 'Is that where -?' whispered Professor McGonagall.
'Yes', said Dumbledore. 'He'll have that scar forever.'

'Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?'
'Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in useful. I have one myself above my left knee which is a perfect map of the London Underground.

Lily - *Between sobs* You mean his dad knifed him too? There ought to be a support group for this kind of thing!

James - Lily, I would never -

Lily - That's what they all say!

'Well - give him here, Hagrid - we'd better get this over with.
Dumbledore took Harry in his arms and turned towards the Dursleys' house.

'Could I - could I say goodbye to him, sir?' asked Hagrid.
He bent his great, shaggy head over Harry and gave what must have been a very scratchy, whiskery kiss.

Lily - Unfair treatment to my child! HAGRID!!!!!!!!!

Hagrid - *head pops up in the window* Yes, Lily?

Lily - YOU KILLED MY CHILD!

Hagrid - And you're... sixteen? *Skeptical* What, did you marry a hippogriff or something?

Lily/James - *Slap him*

Lily - If you ever meet anyone called Harry Potter, never kiss him.

Hagrid - *Runs away.*

'Shhh!' hissed Professor McGonagall, 'you'll wake the Muggles!'

'S-s-sorry,' sobbed Hagrid, taking out a large spotted handkerchief and burying his face in it. 'But I c-c-can't stand it - Lily an' James dead - an' poor little Harry off ter live with Muggles -'
'Yes, yes, it's all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found,' Professor McGonagall whispered, patting Hagrid gingerly on the arm as Dumbledore stepped over the low garden wall and walked to the front door. He laid Harry gently on the doorstep, took a letter out of his cloak, tucked it inside Harry's blankets and then came back to the other two.

Lucius - Please, please let him die on that doorstep.

Lily - And to think that I thought you were hot.

Narcissa - Yeah, she's right.

Lucius - Huh?

Narcissa - You're drop-dead sexy.

Bellatrix - I so saw that coming.

Sirius - Yeah, and you know, he's not even that hot.

James - Nice to know you're not homosexual, Padfoot.

Remus - Yeah. With all those fangirls, you never know what a guy'll do to get rid of them, you know?

Hagrid's shoulders shook, Professor McGonagall blinked furiously and the twinkling light that usually shone in Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out. 'Well,' said Dumbledore finally, 'that's that. We've no business staying here. We may as well go and join the celebrations.'

James - I take that as a personal insult.

Lily - Don't even say it, Malfoy.

Lucius - Just that I wanna be one of the Death Eaters who goes and watches the Dark Lord kill ya'll.

Lily - *furious* But then you'd have to watch your dear old Master die, wouldn't you?

Lucius - Oh, yeah... but what if I warn him not to kill your stupid son?

Bellatrix - We could train him as the Dark Lord's heir!

Narcissa - Oh, there's a brilliant idea.

Snape - Like anyone even looked at by Potter and Evans would stand a chance of being a Slytherin, much less the next Dark Lord.

Bellatrix - Well, you never know.

'Yeah,' said Hagrid in a very muffled voice, 'I'll be takin' Sirius his bike back. G'night, Professor McGonagall - Professor Dumbledore, sir.'

Sirius - I'm the first person in this room to be mentioned in this story as being alive, isn't that something?

Lily/James - Shut UP!!

Lucius - And for all we know, you might have Harry quite shortly, so that may very well be the last time you say anything. Under the act of hating each other, I'm sure there's something to be discovered.

James - &$#^%&_)(^%$%$^%$^%*&^*%$*

Wiping his streaming eyes on his jacket sleeve, Hagrid swung himself onto the motorbike and kicked the engine into life; with a roar it rose into the air and off into the night.
'I shall see you soon, I expect, Professor McGonagall,' said Dumbledore, nodding to her. Professor McGonagall blew her nose in reply.

Lucius/Bellatrix - Well, that's sanitary.

Narcissa - I'm disgusted.

Lily - *Cough-shallow-cough*

Dumbledore turned and walked back down the street. On the corner he stopped and took out the silver Put-Outer. He clicked it once and twelve balls of light sped back to their street lamps so Privet Drive glowed suddenly orange and he could make out a tabby cat slinking around the corner at the other end of the street. He could just see the bundle of blankets on the step of number four.
'Good luck, Harry,' he murmured.

Sirius - Babies do NOT play Quidditch.

All - *Stare at him*

James - I think Peter's been rubbing off on you, mate.

He turned on his heel and with a swish of his cloak he was gone.
A breeze ruffled the hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky, the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen. Harry Potter rolled over inside his blankets without waking up. One small hand closed on the letter beside him and he slept on, not knowing he was special, not knowing he was famous, not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs Dursley's scream as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles, nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin Dudley... he couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: 'To Harry Potter - the boy who lived!

Lucius - And to James Potter - The Guy Who Finally Died! Yippee!!

Bellatrix - Joy to the world... all the boys and girls... joy to the fishies in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me!

Lucius - Joy? There is no joy in your singing.

Bellatrix - How rude.