Pieces of a Hogwarts Pie

Hogwartian Pie

Episode 1: The Durmstrang Exchange Student

It was a cold, January morning and all the students had just returned from a very restful winter holiday. It was a joy to Neville to be situated within the always-warm green house early in the morning, working in Herbology, the one class he reigned supreme in.

The Durmstrang Tri-Wizard Competitor in Neville's seventh year turned the heads of every boy in the room, much to the girls' chagrin, as she entered. All of the challengers from the other schools, in order to keep up with their academics, also took courses at Hogwarts just like other seventh year students.

She walked with a perfect stride, with perfect teeth, and perfect leggings. Her immaculate good looks and her ample chest drew the eyes of every student.

"Blimey!" screeched Ron Weasley in pain, snapping Neville out of his reverent gaze. "Ahhh!" he cried, spinning around wildly, with a large, red potted plant attached to his arm. "Get it off!"

Apparently, Ron had neglected to tickle the pedals of the German Mage Rose plant before touching its stem, and it had taken it personally. Its large pedals had engulfed Ron's arm, and were secreting irritating digestive juice all over his hand.

Neville guessed he was too busy staring at the new Durmstrang Student.

"Mr. Weasley!" cried Professor Sprout as she rushed over to Ron's side, her wand outstretched. Ron spun around, consumed in a panic tizzy, slamming over the desk they were working on, and knocking both Harry and Hermione to the ground.

"It's eating my hand!" cried Ron, rushing wildly over and knocking over Justin Finch-Flitchey in an attempt to shake the creature from his arm. "It's sucking my will to live!"

Seamus rolled his eyes over to Ron's antics as Professor Sprout tried in vain to calm the panicked Weasley. All of the Gryffindor 7^th years knew that she'd have better luck trying to stop a stampeding herd of cattle.

"I don't know what's more dangerous... carnivorous plants, or that red-headed git on the warpath."

Dean chuckled and resumed his work as a collaborated effort of Harry, Hermione, Parvati Patil and Ernie MacMillian and Professor Sprout tried to hold Ron down and work on the plant attached to Ron's arm. It was now difficult to tell individual students, teachers and plants apart as a bout of chaos ensued from which Ron's head would pop out from on occasion, screaming in agony.

Neville sighed and walked over to the mass of tangled bodies and, each time he reached in, he pulled free one body.

Harry was the first to pop out. His glasses were torn asunder from his face, and his nose was bleeding from one nostril, followed by Parvati, whose hair seemed to have been messed up by Hagrid, sticking up bushy and wildly.

Finally, Ron... with the plant still gnawing furiously at his arm popped out from Neville's grab. The round-faced boy rolled up his sleeves and began to tickle the plant each of its pedals, using his index finger.

"It is more afraid of you than you are of it," explained Neville calmly.

Ron's eyes widened to the size of small orbs. "Not bleeding likely! Get it off! Get it off! I can't feel my fingers! It's eating my soul!"

After a moment, the plant released its grip upon Ron's hand, freeing it with a slight popping sound. Neville calmly brought the plant back to Ron's workstation, and returned to Dean and Seamus' side, shaking his head.

"You certainly have the soft touch, don't ya?" asked Seamus, winking at him winningly.

Neville shrugged as he resumed their work on harvesting the seeds from their German Mage Rose.

"I imagine they are much like women," explained Neville with an artificially sage tone. "A soft touch, an easy hand..."

Dean arched one of his thick brows, a grin creeping on his face "... and hopefully, they'll bite you in the right places."

Seamus sprayed Neville with laughter, while Neville simply looked at Dean with a bit of disdain.

"Seriously Dean, is that how superficial you really are?"

The dark-skinned boy shrugged. "Hey... when you can go all night without refueling, you have the right to get superficial and arrogant."

"My arse," snorted Seamus. "I heard from Claire Trelawney that you cannot go for two minutes without... requesting a pit stop."

Dean looked grossly offended by that comment. "Do you really think Professor Trelawney's granddaughter was in ANY position to give me some support? Honestly, I was exploring new roads without a Light charm! I was just hoping if I took good care of her grand daughter, she might give me an A!"

"You are a male-slut," laughed Seamus. "And you are wondering why Trelawney nearly failed you!"

Neville simply lowered his head and worked on harvesting their seeds. He really did not want to get pulled into this conversation.

"And you, my friend, are just so bitter," said Dean, with a fake pout. "I guess you are just a victim of the Irish inch, are you not?"

Seamus pointed a finger at Dean. "Hey, size is of no importance... I have not gotten any bad reviews of my performance!"

"That's because you haven't gotten any reviews at all, my shining virgin," snickered Dean.

Seamus' freckles seemed to jump out of his face as his color erupted in a shade of flustered red. "Hey, I'm no virgin!"

"Name one you've had it off with," said Dean.

"I... plenty!" snapped Seamus.

"Alright, name one..."

"... I don't know her name, but she was from Beauxbatons." Seamus paused for a moment, and seeing Dean looking at him very condescendingly. "I went there... one time..."

Dean smirked skeptically. "Beauxbatons? What were you doing in France?"

Seamus began to start fire on the back of his head with a furious rubbing motion. "Yeah, er... I was... er... part of the... er... IC...CP."

"The ICCP?" asked Dean. "This just keeps getting better and better."

The Irish boy was now shaking with awkwardness. "The Irish... er... Committee for Corresponding... Penpals..."

"Really now?" asked Dean, about one step away from cracking up. Even Neville had taken his mind off the flowers and was trying to hide a laugh at Seamus' expense.

"And, how long did you last?" he pressed.

Seamus beamed proudly. "Hours... I was the mean, green, Irish machine... I could not be stopped."

"Ok," said Dean, licking his lips like a predator going in for the kill, "so, you had it off with a girl you've never met before, by being a member of a group of letter writers that doesn't exist, at school you've never been to... and managed to drive your Irish inch for... hours?"

"Er..." said Seamus, his green eyes twinkling with nervousness. "Yeah."

Dean and Neville simply stared at him.

"Ok, fine... the girl from France was made up... but there was that one from Australia!" countered Seamus weakly.

"You know what?" began Dean, laughing mirthfully. "Why don't you keep the girl from Australia in your head, because the closest you'll get to her is whanking off in the shower."

Seamus decided now was a great time to start working on the Rose again... but not before mumbling weakly. "... I don't whank off in the shower."

It was Neville who then spoke up. "What was with that rumor of Seamus in the shower with Vaseline and Hermione's underwear?"

Seamus slammed his fists down on the desk. "THAT was all Malfoy's doing! He is still mad about me, his mother and my kid."

Finally, Dean and Neville gave him a break, and laughed with him. Though the laugh was short-lived.

"Oh my blessed hormones," breathed Dean as he jabbed his elbow into Neville's side. "Longbottom, look!"

Neville and Seamus both followed the path of Dean's eyes, over to the Durmstrang students. The radiant goddess of a Tri-Wizard Champion was staring at Neville, and smiling.

At once, Neville and Seamus dropped their heads.

Wasting no time, Dean leaned over, ducking his head beneath their desk and practically lying his head upon Neville's lap.

"Don't just lay there!" he exclaimed softly, "Look lively, lad... this may be the only chance you'll ever get!"

Neville looked down at Dean's head with horror. "Dean!" cried Neville, barely checking his voice. "Stop giving my member pep-talks!"

"Just trying to help," said Dean defensively, popping back up from under the table.

All the while, the four Durmstrang students (one of them being the secret crush of every straight male from second year through seventh year in the school) watched Ron with humorous glints in their eyes.

"Is she still looking at me?" whispered Neville, nervously.

Dean licked his lips, still staring over at the Durmstrang student. "Oh yeah... did I tell you I'm telepathic?"

"You are about as telepathic as my left arse cheek," muttered Seamus.

Dean ignored the Irish man, rubbing his fingers against his temple. "Let's see... ok, got it... 'Oh, that dark skinned man over at that table with the two ugly kids... he's so right looking. I've heard from half the students at Hogwarts he's got thirteen inches of wand... I wonder just how much magic it can work.'"

"My arse, Thomas," muttered Seamus. "See... this is about how long you are."

Seamus stuck up his middle finger and waved it in Dean's face.

But, Neville had stopped listening to them. He was, instead, peeking out of the corner of his eyes to the Durmstrang Tri-Wizard Champion, who was once again, staring at him.

And then, he nearly fell off his chair as she stood up and began walking over.

"Guys!" squeaked Neville, his voice leaping into his throat. "She... she's coming... help!"

Seamus was waving both of his middle fingers in Dean's face and Dean was leaning back, making a jerking motion with his left hand and telling Seamus to go take a shower. They didn't seem to hear him.

"She's coming!" Neville whispered harshly, but it was too late. She was now standing next to the table.

"Da," she said softly, staring at Neville with her engulfing, blue eyes. "Are you Neville Longbottom?"

Seamus' fingers froze in Dean's face, and Dean stopped in mid-jerk. In one, synchronous motion, they turned their heads over to see Neville talking to the unknown girl.

"Yeah," croaked Neville, doing a great Trevor the Toad impersonation.

The girl calmly rested her hands against her hips. "Ve are havin some problems havesting za seeds from our plant."

Dean and Seamus snapped their hands back to their flanks, looking at Neville with dropped jaws. A puddle of drool slowly began to form upon the desk.

"Right... yeah... em... you just..." Neville stuttered over his words as if his tongue were loaded with trip wires, and puffed up like a cherry. "You... just have... to have... a soft touch."

The girl arched a brow and a smile crept across her face. "Do you haff a soft touch, Neville Longbottom?"

Dean and Seamus turned back to each other, silently gapping for air. Sweat was pouring down Seamus' face.

"Ah... ha ha..." trailed off Neville, steam all but shooting from his collar. "I... guess that... all depends where you are... going with this..."

Dean and Seamus both slapped themselves in the forehead. Dean pushed back in his chair, sliding not to subtly to the other side of the girl and frantically began running his hands across his neck.

Neville glanced back to Dean, his eyes widening.

Dean made a show of stretching out his left arm, and running his fingers across it with his right hand.

The girl smiled at Neville, "I sink that you haff a soft touch... I hear you are good at the Herbology, yes?"

Dean nodded frantically.

"Yeah..." said Neville, catching on. Dean then resumed stroking his arm.

Neville outstretched his own arm and began to rub it. "Yes... I... have a soft..."

Dean groaned audibly, causing the girl to turn around. The dark skinned boy made a quick show of diving down, searching for something. With a strange hum of consideration, she turned back to Neville.

Seamus was quick to take up the slack, rushing over to 'help' Dean. He pointed emphatically at the girl, three times, and then began stroking his arm just like Dean had been before.

"Er... yes," trailed off Neville, and lifted his fingers slowly. "I have... a soft touch... in Herbology."

The girl stretched out her arm, seeing what Neville was suggesting and he calmly brought his fingers down to her soft skin, rubbing softly.

"Oooh, Mr. Longbottom," she cooed softly. "You haff given me goosebumps."

Dean and Seamus both fell to their knees, stretching out their arms behind her reverently.

"Anyvay," she said softly, retracting her arm. "I need some help with za Herbology... at Durmstrang, ve do not haff the Herbology class. Can you help me with my studies?"

Dean and Seamus both stood up, high fiving each other, and dancing a subtle jig.

"Sure!" exclaimed Neville. "Um... can... we can meet in the library?"

"Vell," she said softly, but with perfect confidence. "Ve could do it in the library, or, ve could do it in za Gryffindor dorm... if I study sitting on a bed, it helps me understand quicker."

Oh please god, thought Neville, let his not be a dream.

Seamus and Dean had stopped dancing, and now were simply gawking with horrified outrage. They both nodded, very slowly and pouncedly.

Neville's eyes widened and he simply nodded. "Yes... the bed would... be a great place to study Herbology... um... tonight?"

"Great, I vill see you zen," she said softly. She reached over an cleared a bang of loose hair from Neville's face and slowly made her way back to the Durmstrang student.

Neville stared back at Seamus and Dean, and calmly folded his hands behind his head.

"No fair!" cried Seamus, slumping back down into his chair. "Why can't I get laid that easily? Is there no decency in the world!"

Dean simply sat down. "Neophyte's luck," he muttered.

"She touched my hair," said Neville factually.

Neville's head shot back as four middle fingers flew into his face.

"Touch these," muttered Seamus... even Dean seemed to be more than willing to contribute.

* * * * * *

"The Durmstrang Champion is going to study with Neville... in his bed," asked Ron, raising an upper lip. "Yeah, right. That's a funny one. What's next? Hermione will perform a striptease for the Slytherins?"

They were all sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room, a few minutes after dinner. Neville could feel the butterflies churning over in his stomach as the hour of judgment approached. In less than an hour, the hottest witch he had ever seen outside of a dirty magazine would be on his bed, talking about his soft touch.

I'm in way over my head, he thought feebly.

Hermione suddenly flushed red and began reading her book. "I was drunk and needed the money for that Ancient History book!"

Ron, Harry, Neville, Seamus and Dean all turned and stared at her.

"Well, at least I don't self-fornicate to underwear in the shower!" she said, looking up from her book quickly.

Seamus no longer stared at her.

"That... was Malfoy's rumor," he murmured weakly.

"Right," said Hermione snidely. "That's why I'm still missing a pair of red underwear..."

"Oh, speaking of that leathery git, Malfoy," said Ron, rubbing his hands together and quickly changing the subject for Seamus' sake. "I cannot wait for the first task. I hope he gets eaten by whatever he has to face."

Harry chuckled. "Yeah, I figured I'd let him have my spot as defending champion."

"See, Potter, you have a right unfair advantage," muttered Dean. "All you have to say is your name, and you can get any girl in the sack you want. You really did not need the Champion thing too... but it could not hurt."

Around Dean, Neville noticed that Harry seemed to loose much of his modesty. It was sort of funny, but Dean brought out the "git" in everyone.

"I try to play fair and let them get to know me first, but, once they see the scar, they jump me."

Harry smiled with his emerald green eyes.

"Not that I'm complaining."

"Very modest, Harry," snapped Hermione, setting down her book. "I'll have you know that I have never jumped you."

Harry cocked his head and stared at her.

"While sober," she added hastily.

Ron sighed and glared at both Harry and Hermione. "Do you guys Memory Charm me or something? I cannot remember any of these 'parties' where we have all gotten drunk and jumped each other!"

Dean tapped his chin. "Well, Ron, that's what happens when you down an entire bottle of Jinxed Jinn and Juice yourself after the first ten minutes... you are either passed out on the floor, or sticking your tongue down Millicent Bulstrude's throat!"

Ron paled over with horror.

"No..."

Everyone winced.

"I thought you knew," said Seamus nervously. "She thinks you are her boyfriend."

Ron's expression became severe.

"I'd rather suck face with a dementor!" cried Ron.

"Well," said Dean, scratching the back of his head. "There was that one time when the Terry Boot dressed in that black robe and cowl for the Halloween party, sixth year. Snape caught you snogging him in the bushes outside of school."

Seamus' eyes widened. "Now that makes sense! I was wondering why I saw him that night, curled up in fetal position in his office, crying."

Ron now looked rather sick. "Tell me... you are joking..."

"True story!" laughed Harry, "we know Terry is a sausage jockey, but we gave you the benefit of the doubt; you were so drunk that you probably thought he was Millicent, or something."

Ron stood up, his face full of violated innocence. Without a word, he rushed up the stairs and into the Gryffindor bathroom.

Neville sighed after Ron left "Guys, I really need some help... I mean, there is a goddess coming in, just for me... what am I supposed to do?"

A violent upchuck sounded audibly from the bathroom, followed by running water.

"Here's what you are going to do," began Harry, a smirk creeping out onto his face. "You are going to give us permission to watch!"

"Watch!?" gasped Neville. "No... I cannot do that."

Dean and Seamus both turned to Harry. The green eyed boy continued to speak. "Neville, she won't know we are watching. I can charm the floor above to become a one-sided transparency."

"But..." stammered Neville.

Dean shook his head, cutting him off. "Neville, grow some bloody bollocks, will you? If you are too scared to let us watch her, how will you ever be able to sleep with her?"

Neville mumbled something inaudibly before finally replying. "Fine. But, still, what am I going to do with her... when... when she comes in? I'm scared!"

"Alright," said Hermione, putting down her book and shining her prefect badge for a second. "I have some time before I have to tutor the first years. We'll do a quickie, I'll give you some pointers... and some constructive criticism."

Before Neville could answer, or even begin stuttering, Hermione grabbed his arm, and dragged him up to the Gryffindor dorms, leaving Harry, Dean and Seamus alone.

"Seriously," said Dean, shaking his head. "What happened to her? She used to be so old fashion and reserved."

Harry sighed. "She dated Malfoy last year."

Both Dean and Seamus winced. "Ouch."

Harry sighed a second time. "Yeah, he turned her from an infomanic to a nymphomaniac... not that I'm complaining. Even drunk, she's really given me some insight to perfect my own putting game."

"Maybe I'll need a private session with her," sighed Seamus.

Dean smirked devilishly. "Why have her when you can have her underwear in the shower?"

Dean began making jerking motions, just as Seamus' middle finger shot into his face.

Harry laughed mirthfully. "Alright guys, let's move out... let Operation Peeping Gryffindor commence!"

* * * * * *

"Ok, first off," said Hermione, plopping down on Neville's bed. "Set the mood."

Neville blushed and his eyes widened. "What?"

"Come on," snapped Hermione impatiently. "Time is money... drinks, music, dim the lights, chop chop!"

"Nox," said Neville hastily, as he quickly ran about the room, trying to find Dean's Wizard Radio.

"Stop stop," said Hermione testily. "Ok, forget the mood. She has already made it abundantly clear that she wants you to stick it to her. There is no need to romance here."

"Right," said Neville, with a shaking lip.

Hermione sat back in the pillows of Neville's bed. After about five seconds, she glared up at him. "Well?"

"Well..." trailed off Neville.

"What, do you need for me to spell this out?" asked Hermione. "Stick it to me!"

Neville's jaw dropped. "But, Hermione..."

"Butts are for nancy boys... privates are for players... strip!"

Neville shook nervously. "... I don't feel comfortable... doing this..."

This finally seemed to break a small dent into Hermione's amazing dominatrix spirit. She stood up from his bed and walked over to him. "Neville, you are so uptight..."

She glanced down slightly. "But, at least you are clearly rising to the task, so to speak."

Neville turned a horrible shade of red.

"Alright," she said, sitting back down on the bed and patting the seat next to her. "If you are not comfortable with fast and ferocious, we can try something a bit more old fashioned."

The round-faced boy sat down next to Hermione, with a look of terrified innocence upon his face.

"Ok, first time?" asked Hermione.

Neville shuttered. "Well, no... I mean yes... I mean... well, there was this one time in Asia..."

"First time," completed Hermione. "Not a problem." She drew out her wand and waved it over at Harry's dresser. "I'm sure Harry won't mind if we borrow a few of his props... Accio Rubber!"

Harry's drawer leapt open, and approximately fifty condoms shot out at Hermione and Neville.

"Blimey!" cried Neville as he held up his hands defensively under the siege of plastic squares.

"Yes," said Hermione drably. "Protection is something Harry always has no short supply of... wards around his house, a magical enchanted scar, Dumbledore's ever watchful eye... enough rubber to save the crew of the Titanic."

"Now then," continued Hermione as she opened up the wrapper and tossed it aside. "Drop robe."

Neville flushed green, but did as instructed.

"Dear god, hello!" exclaimed Hermione.

Neville was not sure how to take that.

"All I can say is congratulations," said Hermione with wide eyes. "Malfoy is put to shame."

Neville could not help but feel good.

After guiding Neville though the process of properly preparing the Wizard's Hat on his wand, she stood back up. Neville was quick to redress himself, though he had to admit, he no longer felt uptight anymore.

"Alright," said Hermione, sitting back down on the bed. "Now that you know how to lock and load yourself... now you need to know how to lock and load me...."

* * * * * *

"Hey!" cried the indignant third year students as Dean and Seamus grabbed up the four of them and pushed them outside their own dorms.

"This is our room!" cried another boy.

Harry ignored the bantering as he worked his wand, twirling it around on the floor below. It had to be done in this dorm room, for it was directly above the Seventh year dorms.

"Not anymore it isn't," snapped Dean. "You four have been displaced."

Seamus joined Harry by his side. "This has to work! If I don't get to see that witch naked, my life just won't have any meaning!"

"It'll work..." said Harry reassuringly. "Sirius Black taught it to me. He used it to spy on my parents when they lived together outside of Hogwarts..."

"Is this foolproof?" asked Dean as he slammed the door in the face of the protesting third years. "Like, will they be able to see us?"

Harry sighed. "Well, he told me never to try it at Hogwarts... but technically, no. It is a one-sided spell."

And suddenly, the entire floor began to shine red... and then white... and then finally...

"Transparent!" wooted Harry, as he peered down.

Seamus, loosing himself in emotion, kissed Harry's cheek out of the blue... causing Harry to turn purple.

"I love you, Harry... if I could, I'd have your baby for you..." stated Seamus.

"That's a nice offer, Seamus," said Harry, rubbing his cheek with disgust. All three boys began to simply watch. "Let me consider it for eternity."

* * * * * *

Hermione started down the stairs, back to the common room, when she heard the sounds of shouting from above. She calmly walked up the stairs, sighing at the thought she just might have to take points away from her own house.

"Let us in! It is our dorm!" cried a third year Gryffindor.

Hermione glared forcefully at them, and approached the door to the dorm. .

"Trevor!" she said, calling the boy by his first name. "Don't make me spank you... again."

The thirteen year old boy stopped yelling and smiled brightly. He pointed to himself with his thumbs and slapped the other boys high five.

"With the prefect?!" one of the more high-pitched voices asked.

Hermione ignored them as she entered their dorm.

She could hardly believe her eyes. The entire floor was transparent, giving a great view of the Gryffindor 7^th year dorm below.

And at the center of the room, Dean, Harry and Seamus were watching below them with unblinking eyes.

"Oh my god..." said Seamus, falling to his hands and knees and peering through the floor. "She's in!"

Much to her neglect, Hermione had forgotten to shut the door, and the third year students found themselves wandering in and staring down at the scene below.

* * * * * *

"Da," stated the Durmstrang girl with a blush. "It was very nice for a little boy to let me into the Gryffindor room. All I had to do was ask."

Neville, who just a moment ago, was busy kicking all of Harry's rubber squares under his bed, smiled up at her. His face was still very flushed from his little tutorial courtesy of Hermione 'how to turn a female on.'

"So, we should study, yes?" she asked.

Neville nodded sheepishly. "Wha... yes... of course. Let's hit the books!"

The long, blonde haired girl suddenly put her hand to her lips. "Oh... I forget... ahem, I hope you vont mind but, I always find zat if I study in my nightrobe... I understand quicker. You voldn't mind if I changed here, yes?"

Neville simply stared at her with stunned silence

"No peeking now..." she scolded playfully. "Turn around?"

Neville complied, his body as rigid as a plank.

* * * * * *

"Oh, and there that goes," said Harry longingly.

"Awesome..." breathed out Trevor the third year as he and his friends huddled with Seamus, Dean and Harry. "This is the greatest moment of my life."

"Yeah..." agreed Seamus.

"Ooh...." gasped all the boys reverently as the robe came off, revealing slender undergarments. Hermione simply shook her head.

"I've been very good this year, Santa," said Dean, cupping his palms together in praying position. "Please, don't stop now."

Harry unfogged his glasses and reached into his robe pocket, producing a silver container. He took a quick swig and handed it to Seamus, who took a lengthy sip before handing it back to Harry.

"I will never be able to sleep sound in our room again..." trailed off Seamus.

Trevor and his friends watched with stunned silence, their jaws nearly touching their toes.

"Harry," began Hermione. "I certainly hope this isn't a Transparitis Charm..."

Harry, who did not lift his head from the ripe body below him, simply nodded. "Uh... huh..."

Hermione shrieked and slapped him atop his head. "Haven't you ever read Hogwarts: A History!"

"Nuh-uh," replied Harry, still not lifting his eyes from the floor.

Hermione held out her arms broadly. "They conflicts with the wards around Hogwarts and create some very random effects!"

"Oh..." replied Harry, only half-listening to her.

* * * * * *

"Ok, Neville," she said softly. "I'm ready to be studying Herbology."

Neville turned around slowly, a smile on his face... and then, he suddenly froze.

She was wearing nothing at all save her bra and underwear.

"I find zat invisible silk pajamas helps me relax. It is silky smooth in a vay zat nothing else can compare to."

The girl wearing the 'invisible silk' moved over to Neville's bed and sat down, stretching out grandly and taking ahold of Neville's herbology book. "Come, we study."

* * * * * *

"Harry!" hissed Hermione. "I told you that this spell creates random, sporadic effects due to the wards at Hogwarts!"

"Oh... god, look at those legs!" whimpered Seamus pathetically.

"It's worth it..." trailed off Harry, unfogging his glasses for the fourth time.

"This is the greatest moment of my life..." exhaled Trevor.

"Yeah..." breathed out his third year friends.

Hermione shook Harry's shoulder. "What I mean is that this spell could very well be playing on the Headmaster's desk as well... and in other places!"

* * * * * *

Professor Dumbledore's action figures dropped to the ground as he unbuttoned the top of his robe, watching his desk in front of him.

"My goodness..." he breathed, a twinkle in his blue eyes.

* * * * * *

Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle and Cameron Trent (another fifth year Slytherin) sat around the fireplace in the Slytherin Common Room, passing around Draco's wand.

"Yes..." said Malfoy, with a smirk. "I've enchanted my wand with a Intoxicadus Hex... give it a go. Neat trick my father taught me for my birthday this summer. Just wave it and say 'Hit."

Cameron waved Malfoy's wand.

"Hit!"

He suddenly stiffened, his eyes widening and dilating.

"That's..." stammered Cameron, his nose sniffing rapidly. "Is... good shit..."

Malfoy sat back in his chair. "It's all in the spell components."

Cameron handed the wand to Crabbe, who followed suite, grunting happily. Goyle did it as well, and finally Malfoy took his own wand.

"Hit!"

And suddenly, an image of the near-naked Durmstrang student appeared, with Neville Longbottom... right from the crackling depths of the fire.

"Whoa..." trailed off Malfoy, cocking his head slowly and rubbing his eyes. "Fast acting too... say, isn't that my Durmstrang opponent?"

* * * * * *

"Hey Terry!" asked Lisa Turpin, as the seventh year Ravenclaws looked up from their books at the girl who spoke.

Terry glanced up from his notes. "Yeah?"

Lisa pointed to the ceiling. "Isn't that one of your boyfriend's friends?"

Terry scratched his chin as he looked above him at the picture of Neville Longbottom and the near-naked Durmstrang student.

"Yeah," said Terry dreamily. "He is cute too."

* * * * * *

Neville slowly sat down on the bed next to the very nude looking girl, feeling every part of his body stiffening, as icy nervousness crawled all over his body.

"Um... ok... the German Nude... er... Red Rose..." began Neville, who then stumbled over his words.

"Oh, you know vot?" she said slowly, cutting Neville off. "I also learn so much quicker if the person I study with takes off his clothes."

The feeling of terrifying doom crept all over Neville's face. "What?"

"Can you strip, for me?" asked the Durmstrang girl, very sweetly.

Neville shot her a terrified look, and then glanced up to the ceiling nervously. Sighing, and realizing what must be done, he began taking off his robe.

* * * * * *

"UGH!" exclaimed Seamus. "What's he doing!?"

Harry shot a sideways glance at the Irish boy. "You honestly didn't expect him to just stare at her all day, did you? Just... focus on the girl. Pretend it is a love scene in Witches Sans Britches."

"I've always been into shots with the girl and the guy together," said Dean, licking his lips.

Hermione sighed. "You three need to get laid more often."

"Shhh..." exclaimed the third year boy Trevor. "You are ruining the moment..."

"Yeah," said Dean. "The little boy has a point."

* * * * * *

"Whoa!" exclaimed Malfoy, as every single Slytherin looked up from their books, and slowly began to gather around the fireplace. "Go get her, Longbottom! Take a victory for Hogwarts!"

"Lucky bastard," muttered Cameron, as he waved Malfoy's wand again. "Hit!"

* * * * * *

"Hey!" exclaimed one of the Ravenclaw girls, pointing to the ceiling. "That guy is in my Arithmancy class! Go Arith boy, go arith boy... it's your birthday..."

Terry stared at Neville. "Damn, what a cute arse..."

* * * * * *

Dumbledore frowned with concern. "This just got a whole lot worse."

* * * * * *

"Da... ha ha ha ha!" laughed Peeves as he stared transfixed at the hologram that mysteriously had appeared within the hallway. "This is better than the time I looked through the wall in on that Hufflepuff orgy! Ickle little Longie... and his not so ickle, not so little Longie!"

* * * * * *

"Ooo," said the Durstrang girl with enthusiasm. "Ask me to dance!"

Neville's eyes widened as he finished taking off his robe, leaving little more than a pair of boxers on him. "What!?"

"I need to hear music, to make me ready to study!"

She wants to dance... thought Neville. That's a good thing.

"Here... here..." stammered Neville, as he produced his Dean's Wizarding Radio from beneath his bed, fumbling it once and handing it to her. She calmly lifted her wand and rotated it around once with a swishing motion and immediately, some European dance began to fill the room.

"Dance with me!" she said, getting up and moving her body to the rhythm.

Neville got up slowly from the bed and moved next to her. He started by moving his hips and arms, dancing about as well as a tin soldier falling down the stairs. If there was one thing that three Yule balls had showed him, he could not dance.

* * * * * *

"Neville, aw man!" cried Harry, shuttering visibly.

"Move your butt, Longbottom!" said Dean, waving emphatically at the sight beneath them.

Seamus glanced sidelong at Dean. "Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you?"

Dean sneered at Seamus. "Move his butt... out of the way, you stark, barmy homosexual!"

* * * * * *

"Hey stop dancing, Baddock!" snapped Draco sternly to the fourth year Malcolm Baddock who was swinging his arms about in rhythm and moving his legs to the European dance music.

A stout shove from Crabbe sent him crashing over a chair and onto the floor.

"Thank you, Crabbe," said Draco, resuming his unblinking, hazy stare at the Durmstrang girl.

Crabbe grunted in affirmation.

"Get down, Longbottom!" laughed Pansy Parkinson hysterically, as she grabbed Draco's wand. "Hit!"

Draco rolled his gray eyes over to her, his pale cheeks tinged with red and his voice unsteady with influence. "Don't tell me you are seriously enjoying this? I feel what's left of my innocence just waving good-bye to me..." He snatched his wand from Pansy. "Hit!"

Millicent watched dreamingly. "I hope Weasley comes in soon."

Finally, the rest of the Slytherin's gathered around Draco, Cameron, Crabbe and Goyle. Some of the first years wore violated expressions, but every male (and a few of the females) from the age of twelve to seventeen stared at the girl with obsession. The drool that had accumulated on the floor was making the dungeon rather slippery.

* * * * * *

"Terry," said Lisa with concern, "you are dribbling all over your Astronomy homework!"

"Full Monty! Full Monty!" shouted a second Ravenclaw girl, a sixth year.

"I've seen many strange things at Hogwarts..." said Mandy Brocklehurst, "... but this is by far the most disturbing sight that's ever graced my spectrum."

"Uhh...." gurgled Terry, his eyes affixed to Neville's bottom.

* * * * * *

Dumbledore arched his thin, white brows as he stared at the desk in front of him. He gave his beard a scratch and shook his head.

"Perhaps Snape is right... this one is rather hopeless."

* * * * * *

Snape, having been awoken from a nap after dreaming of finding Ron Weasley and Terry Boot in the bushes outside, was currently rocking back in forth in his office, huddled in a corner.

"Kill me... kill me..."

* * * * * *

"Ooh, Neville Longbottom... you are such a bad boy!" clapped the Durmstrang girl.

Neville toppled over Harry's trunk, and fell over, ripping Dean's West Ham soccer poster from the wall in the process. He quickly leapt back on his feet, and resumed his dance, hugging one of the poles of his four posture bed.

"Yes, I'm bad... baaaad..."

The girl hopped back on Neville's bed and patted next to her. "You know vat really helps me study..."

Neville, being rather consumed by the moment, also leapt on the bed. "I have no idea..."

"Intercourse," she finished with wide eyes. "Take me now, you wild man!"

With a final gesture, she tossed aside her invisible robes, and removed her bra with a quick pass behind her back.

Neville's face paled over with terror, as his horny spirit was once again booted out of his mind by his inhibitions.

* * * * * *

"Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hogwarts!" chanted every single Slytherin student.

"Oh, those are real!" exclaimed Draco, "Hit!"

* * * * * *

"OH YES!" cried Seamus, laughing and slapping fives with Harry and Dean.

Harry's eyes widened and his face exploded with elation. "Look at those jubblies!"

"Hermione's are bigger," commented Trevor, pointing his thumbs at himself. "I've seen em up close!"

"You and the prefect?!" exclaimed another third year boy, looking between Trevor and Hermione.

Hermione glared at Trevor angrily.

* * * * * *

"Dear me!" exclaimed Lisa. "She definitely takes her vitamins!"

Mandy sighed. "How do those Russian women get them so perky?"

"Uhhh..." gurgled Terry.

* * * * * *

KNOCK KNOCK!

"Headmaster, Voldemort is attacking the school again! I think he's trying goblins this time!" cried a panicked sounding Ms. McGonagall from the other side of the Headmaster's office.

Dumbledore continued to stare at his desk. "Be right with you, Minerva!"

* * * * * *

Neville felt all the blood rushing all over his body as the Durmstrang girl leapt on top of him. He could feel the tension building in his body to the point of discomfort.

She grabbed Neville's hands and slapped them into her chest. "Oooh, you haff a soft touch, Mister Longbottom! Touch me! Oh!"

Neville's eyes widened and he could feel the excitement build in his body... all too quickly...

And then...

* * * * * *

"Wait, what's going on..." trailed off Harry, staring dumbfoundedly at the image beneath them.

Seamus and Dean's faces simply fell with horror. "Oh no..."

"What?!" cried Trevor.

"Oh, that's embarrassing..." trailed off Hermione.

* * * * * *

"Hogwarts! Hogwarts! Hogwa..."

Every Slytherin student trailed off, and broke out with amazed expressions.

Draco Malfoy broke out with laughter. "Oh, you fool, Longbottom!"

* * * * * *

"Uhhh..." gargled Terry.

Lisa and Mandy both broke out into hysterical laughter.

* * * * * *

"Professor!" exclaimed Minerva. "Voldemort and his goblins have stopped... they are simply staring at the school!"

Dumbledore shook his head. "Oh my... Longbottom... you just..."

* * * * * *

Voldemort ran his spidery fingers across his chin as he withdrew his wand from his black robes.

"... blew it."

Voldemort handed his wand to one of the fifty goblins standing next to him, as they watched the image playing off the front door of Hogwarts.

"Hit!" the creature squealed.

The dark lord snatched his wand back. "Accio Chairs!"

* * * * * *

"Neville?" asked the girl with concern.

"Uhh," whimpered Neville with shame.

"Neville?" repeated the girl, now more sternly.

Neville glanced down to his boxers and back to her face with complete and total paralysis.

"You haff to be kidding me..." she trailed off.

Neville forced his face into a bashful smile. "No... no... nothing happened."

The girl smiled again. "Oh goodie... because..."

* * * * * *

"She's not stopping..." said Harry, with an uplifting voice. He took a swig from his silvery flask.

"Oh! She's going downstairs..." said Seamus reverently.

"And... holy shit!" exclaimed Dean.

* * * * * *

"Holy shit!" cried every Slytherin as the underwear landed next to Neville's bed.

"She's... She's..."

* * * * * *

"Holy shit!" cried the entire Ravenclaw sixth and seventh year class, who had now gathered around Lisa, Mandy and Terry, staring up at the ceiling.

"Uhhh..." continued Terry.

"That's HAS to be time consuming!" gasped Lisa.

* * * * * *

"Professor, Professor, let me in... we have to mount the defense! Voldemort and his group are bedding down for a siege!" cried Minerva.

"Good heavens..." breathed out Dumbledore, "She's..."

* * * * * *

"... shaved!" exclaimed Voldemort, waving his wand happily. "Hit!"

About fifty chairs had flown and set themselves around the door. Voldemort sat down, laughing giddily. "I am definitely sieging the wrong school! I think its time to make a mortal enemy in Durmstrang!"

The rest of the goblins wooted and hollered, breaking out butter beers and Jinxed Jinn and tonic.

* * * * * *

Neville beheld what sort of resembled a tropical plant when the light hit it in the correct way. He felt is body go completely numb and his head swam with dizzying nausea.

"No, no no!" cried Neville, but... he could not restrain himself.

He rushed out of the room, cross-legged.

"Neville?" cried the Durmstrang girl, "Vat's wrong?"

* * * * * *

"TWICE?!" gawked Harry.

Seamus made a show of noosing up an invisible rope and hanging himself.

Dean slammed his head into the ground repeatedly.

"What happened?" asked Trevor.

Hermione sighed. "Strike two..."

* * * * * *

"Shaved! Shaved! Shav..."

Each of the Slytherin's trailed off again as they watched Neville hobble out of the room.

"Did he just... again?" blurted out Pansy.

"I didn't even think that was humanly possible..." trailed off Draco.

* * * * * *

"Terry!" snapped Lisa. "Try to at least keep some saliva in your mouth, please!"

"Lisa!" cried Mandy. "He just did it again!"

The entire Ravenclaw crowd sighed with disappointment.

"Poor Arith boy..."

* * * * * *

Dumbledore slapped the palm of his hand into his forehead. "Not again, Mr. Longbottom..."

* * * * * *

Voldemort shook his head. "Pitiful boy... I bet even Wormtail has more stamina than that!"

"Well," muttered the lead goblin. "Should we... continue our attack?"

Voldemort waved his hand. "No... we go to Durmstrang. All of this has sort of made me feel a bit... aroused."

With that, Voldemort and his goblins stood up to leave Hogwarts behind.

* * * * * *

Ron looked up from the sink, after his sixth regurgitation and snorted with angst.

"Uh.... First Millicent... than Terry... uhhh... what's next..."

Without delay, Neville burst through the bathroom door, wearing nothing but his boxers, and rushed with a cross-legged gait into one of the stalls.

"That's it..." whimpered Ron, as he turned to the showers, fully prepared to drown himself.

* * * * * *

Hope you enjoyed this... this kept me occupied from 1 AM to 5 AM, when I could not sleep. If I ever have another bout of insomnia, (and the reviews aren't from people who feel I've taken their innocence from them) I will write another episode. As I'm sure most know, the Neville/Durmstrang girl scene was taken nearly verbatim from the movie American Pie, though with more characters, and a few Hogwartian twists.