Food Tales

FOOD TALES

PART 2: GEORGE WEASLEY'S FLY PIE

Betcha wonder why all of you, oh faithful followers of purveyors of tricks and mockery got upset the last time we told you the story of our mother's very own biscuit tree. As we told thou a very, very long time ago, this was just part of humoring all of thou out there. Thou hath been duped, my friends! Thou shalt have listened carefully to thy hidden meanings! Yes, we too hath been grilled so badly by our own mother for telling lies to all of you. She got annoyed by the mass number of children begging thy parents to Side-Apparate them to the Burrow, only to find that there was no biscuit tree. And thy next very day, we, thy humble narrators were swamped by a mass number of howlers complaining why we hath cheated their kids and demanded a lengthy explanation.

Before that, allow us, thy narrators to read an excerpt or two of the howlers that we've received, the first one from a concerned parent:

Why did you ask our sons to go as far as the Burrow only to find that there's no Biscuit tree. You've embarrassed my children and they cried after finding out that you were lying all the time to them! I demand that you give a proper explanation to me and my children!

And now, the next excerpt comes from a howler by our very own mother. Oops. But it's part of convincing parents of those poor little kids that we've been misleading them all the time. Sorry:

Fred Weasley! George Weasley! How dare you ask those little children to come around snooping at the Burrow! I got fifty children swarming around the perimeter searching for that Biscuit Tree that you've told them. Every one of them cried so loudly after being told of the non-existence of that tree. I had to give them something to those poor children to make them happy. This is your entire fault! If you do that one more time I'm going to come to your shop and demolish it to kingdom come! I will not allow you to make or sell that joke stuff of yours anymore! Do you hear me, Fred and George?

That was just two out of sixty howlers we received the other day. Too bad though that we had to suspend operations for three hours to listen to those droning and whining from those misguided parents. And now, allow us to clear this situation.

We told thou a long time that you shalt listen carefully. Well, then again, maybe that warning did not go deep into a little child's mind for thy children's maturity has yet to reach thy acceptable level than an adult does. Well, we felt that apologies wasn't good enough, but we, narrators hath wowed this time to set things right. Set things right! Yes, oh, faithful fans of WWW, this time, we're telling a true story. A true story that we hath pulled off the biggest prank ever on someone that we hated most! Someone, that has ought to be discredited. Someone associated to a toad that needs to be educated of the need to respect everyone. Someone that needs to taught and understands by being a blood prejudice doesn't work in this kind of modern era. For your information, ladies and germs, that prank had successfully played a part in ending the very so-called 'six-month' brutal dictatorship in Hogwarts in 1996.

However, we would leave you guessing the identity of that very person after we finish our true this time. Then thou folks shall get the very first look of the very item that hit the toad quite hard.

This food thing was discovered by accident. Thy co-owner of WWW, yours truthfully, George Weasley had an epiphany after discovering that even though our previous attempt, with thy help of our friends, we could not throw away that evil toad. While we were cleaning thy house, George saw some flies flying around an 'unscrougified' trash bin - thus the idea of the fly pie was born. But it took some time for George to cast an Immobulus spell and put those flies into a bottle for that experiment. After spending some time studying how our mother bakes her pies, then this prank went off the ground! So without further ado, here's our little story of the fly pie.

*

There was once a big, short, fat, and toad-faced woman by the name of Dede. She had a satisfying career working in the Ministry of Magic She tends to wear a mixture of black and white clothes. She always goes by the book, in other words, live by the rules. Rules are dictated in black and white. She was a great whistle-blower and disciplinarian. That was how most colleagues who would break a rule or two would find themselves subjected to fines and various penalties. During her brief tenure in the school, most students were punished for making various mistakes, even unintentionally. No one escapes from her sights.

But very soon, the students in the school began to know Dede and as soon she came near, they would distance themselves. The professors, teachers of the school feared her too, and ran back into their classrooms or their private rooms. The ghosts too wouldn't come out in the open. So Dede couldn't catch anyone at all.

She didn't really need to catch the wrong-doing colleagues or other people affiliated to the Ministry. Her boss, Fudd, fed him well. Every week, she was paid an additional 50 galleons for her hard work of keeping the work performance at Ministry at the desired standard. Three times in a week, her boss would take her out - just her alone out of a nice lunch at an exquisite restaurant at Diagon Alley. Everyday, she had plenty to eat - the offices at the Ministry do have additional food and beverage to keep workers on a full stomach all day long. You might wonder why this woman gets to reap a fat reward. More importantly, she's the personal secretary to the Minister - Senior Undersecretary to be exact.

Still, she loved going around looking for other workers in the Ministry or as of now, students and even teaching staff to be scolded or punished. When the previous headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was forced out due to a mysterious circumstance, she got an own room, fit for a king, to herself. So one day, she sat in the middle of the room, facing at the window towards the lakeside, and looked up into the clear blue sky. Then she saw hundreds of students going out to the forest for their Care for Magical Creatures class. Far more than she ever saw in the hallways of Hogwarts, she thought.

She still watched them. Slowly the numbers dwindling outside the forest began to get smaller and smaller. They were like ravens with black wings and tails (because they wear uniforms!) but different heads, clearly distinguished by their color. Some of them were blonde, red, black and even brown in color. You can see those students going in and out every day from morning until the afternoon. If you, o faithful listeners are more interested in searching for a flock of ravens instead of observing other students, just come out and see them only at night!

She pictured herself being a ravenous cat, hunting mice and rats for the food. She imagined catching them and eating them, even those with tails or whiskers. She could sense a fine feast that she would have as a reward of being faithful to her boss.

One day, the Minister's assistant, our very own straight-faced brother Percy came to visit her at the courtyard of the school. He was there to give new instructions or correspondence directly from the Minister himself. Everybody at the Ministry knew how bright and intelligent he was compared to the other staff. Of all the staff in the ministry minus the staff from the MLE, he was the smartest of all. He had a bright prospect of being a next Minister of Magic in the future. That was what Cornelius Fudge would boast at everyone. In our eyes, he became a mere errand boy.

"Weasley, if I am a bird and so do you, what do birds in the sky eat?" she asked. "Do they nibble the clouds for dinner - or eat a star or two?"

Percy shared the laughter loudly, "Those, are swallows, madam!" he said. "And of course they don't eat stars or the clouds. If you ask me, they might eat flies birdseeds or whatever they think it's edible and can be eaten."

"Hmm...flies," Dede mused and she began to think. "Do they sometimes come down to earth, Percy? There are such a lot of them up there."

"No - they hardly ever come down to earth," replied Percy. "Only when they want mud for their nests, you know, and that's in the springtime. They do come down however, if you give them as many flies they can catch up there!"

"I just wish I could get them down here. I would like to see them," said Dede. "What about that another bird thing? Pelicans, right? Do they come here often too?" she asked.

Percy shook his head as a no sign. Dede sighed for a while before replying, "I understand. By the way, earlier in the afternoon, Professor Flitwick invited me to come over to sample some of his home-made pumpkin pies during high-tea. It tasted good and I was so excited about sampling those pies again. He too was happy about how his pie turns up. As a result I've decided to hold a bigger high-tea among the teachers of the school tomorrow afternoon." "Care to come?" she asked.

Percy was very fast in his reply. "That would depend on whether I would be free on that time tomorrow. But I believe that Minister Fudge will not object over the invitation. I believe that given Mr. Fudge being on a tight schedule this whole week, he might ask me to come over on his behalf." He coughed slightly before continuing, "If I am free, I would be coming over via the Floo Network tomorrow at this time."

"That's splendid, Weasley!" Dede beamed with excitement.

Percy could only give a wry smile and replied, "That's very kind of you, madam. I just hope that I'll have enough time to drop by here tomorrow. And please extend my humble greetings to all the professors, will you?" Then he just left.

Unfortunately, it was that time that we, tricksters decided to a little kind of prank that revenge is best served cold. We overheard the conversation of that asshole brother of ours and that toad using our Extendable Ears. It was just one day after we left school abruptly. We already knew that one Ms. Dede was hungry for more disciplining helpless students around. And now, we knew that she loved birds.

And so, for the rest of the day, she did not go out beyond her own room. Students and even teachers breathed a sigh of relief for she had not directly interfere or disrupt lessons conducted by teachers as what she used to do thrice a week. And for us, George spent the rest of the evening catching flies with the help of the Immobility spell. There were a great many of the noisy blue bottles about just then, and many Daddy-long-legs, which the grown-ups hated because their grubs ate the roots of the plants nearby. Then again, George had a fine time catching these flies, and soon we had enough to make a big fly-pie or two for the high-tea next day.

On the other hand, Dede had visited the entire Hogwarts faculty to hand the invitations to them. Not to mention some prominent figures from the Ministry including the Minister and her close friends as well. Most of the invitees beamed in the greatest excitement. "Tea time at Hogwarts? With home made pies? Did you hear that? We'll go and eat it, eat it, eat it! We'll come for the tea party and we shall sample your pies! Thank you very much for your generosity!" Some of the replies were received by Percy.

"They will be your room at three o'clock tomorrow. However, the Minister expressed his regrets of being unable to attend. He has other high-priority obligations to be fulfilled including a weekly meeting with the department heads," said Percy. "I suggest you wear your pink cardigan back and wash yourself well, madam. I am confident that it will be quite a party. I believe that it's a good way to improve the relationship between the Ministry and the Hogwarts faculty."

By nightfall, Dede had spent the entire time in the kitchen, with the help of some of the house elves to prepare the pastry and the pie fillings for tomorrow's party. Dede would have to wait until tomorrow afternoon for the party. What a feast she would have! The pies were ready to be baked tomorrow morning by the elves. It looked fine, with a big crust on top and a little pattern round the edge of the crust.

On the other hand, we too secretly prepared the fly pies and baked all at one shot, with our dear mother in bed with dad. A good thing though was that they didn't know that we left school early, forgoing the compulsory NEWTS exam. We had to enter and leave the kitchen in the same pristine condition as it was used to be. We were fortunate to find out later that the size of the pies were exactly the same as the pies that she baked. Thankfully, she didn't suspect of something amiss when we switched the pies with ours the next morning. Thank Merlin for Dung. He had helped us to smuggle our way back to Hogwarts without arousing suspicions of anyone, even Harry. Forge was bloody stealthy that day. He sneaked in and out of the Hogwarts kitchen without being detected by the elves at all.

The next afternoon, Dede was well prepared for the high-tea party in her room. Percy was the first one to arrive at Hogwarts. She placed the pies that were set on a trolley on to a large banquet table, with tea and coffee at one corner. Now, everything was ready. Only the guests had to come.

As according to the planned schedule, the guests attended the high-tea. Leading the Hogwarts faculty was none other than Professor McGonagall as well as Hagrid the half-giant. The party started off well with each of them being served with a cup of tea. The house elves, including Dobby were around the room at all times, tending to the needs of the host and her guests. The elves divided the pies into equal portions and served a piece to them. As Hagrid munched a bit of the pie, suddenly he coughed out everything and spitted something on to the floor. Turns out that besides the saliva, there were flies - dead flies inside the pie. The next instant, Professor McGonagall did same thing as Hagrid, more dead flies coughed out onto the floor. Percy too landed in the same trouble as them. It was very strange. Dede thought that she baked the correct pie but how could it be that the filling that she prepared the night before suddenly turned into dead flies?

"Headmistress!" called Percy. "It's funny - I thought you've wanted to us to sample your 'supposedly' pies but that's we got? Fly pies?" He exclaimed, "I can't believe it!"

Dede suddenly went into full rage. "What!" she said angrily. "What do you mean by fly pies? I didn't make those pies. I made chicken and cream pies! It was supposed to be a good party that goes nothing wrong. I've planned it out together with you, Weasley!" she said furiously. Then, she muttered softly, "It's impossible...it's impossible...it's impossible!"

All the guests replaced the plates onto a trolley, with their cut of pies untouched. Immediately, everyone began to leave the room and back to their private chambers in the castle. Seeing this, Dede tried one more attempt to dissuade them from leaving, "Please. Don't go. It's just a mistake. I want to mend our working relationship. It's not intentional. Just wait. I'll call the elves to replace that for all you. Just don't go, okay? Please?" Her words stopped there as all the guests, minus Percy ignored her pleas and left the room. Professor McGonagall was seen shaking her head in disgust.

Percy was shocked to find out that every effort he had given to help her had gone down to the drain. He could no longer trust and decided not to believe her anymore. But he hid his hatred of her. "Oh! You...you bad person!" cried Percy, pointing his finger at the big pair of doors. "I couldn't believe it. I didn't know that you'd try to hit at all of them and even your own colleagues. I should have never accepted your invitation. See what you've done! Not one is left. Maybe they will never to come to any of your future parties!"

Dede felt rather scared. Certainly, the guests had gone, there was no doubt about that - and how dreadful it would be if people got to know that she, Dede, had driven them away because of her (to some people) prank. She began to slink away, ashamed of her behavior. But Percy was still very angry and shouted after her for the first time in a few years, "How could you do that? You're as rotten as to the core of an apple! You're bad! I can't seem to accept you as a colleague and a friend any more! You and this fly pie! Here take it - you're the only one likely to have it all to yourself now!"

Percy threw the fly pie after Dede. It broke over her head - and Dede had to spend a most unpleasant 30 minutes to remove the stains, the dough and the filling of her body and her clothes. Of course, it served her right! But she was scratching her head. She was certain that she was a victim of a prank, but could not finger out who really did that, except for us! Ha!

There was a matter of a question about the swallows. Dede had a wishful thinking that the swallows could come down here and help to eat up the rest of the fly pies that were untouched. Of course, the swallows weren't as intelligent as a human being like me, and us! After all, swallows don't come around during that time; they would rather fly to warmer countries far away rather than being around in a cold night! So, with many twitterings, the swallows would be gathered together and flown to the south. It is likely that they would only be back by spring, say April each year - but Dede was short of common knowledge of nature and she didn't know that!

She sat on her chair in her room, still removing the mess off her body, thinking, "Better not do a pie party again. Everything...ruined. Damn!"

*

To this day, we still mocked that evil toad everyday for the rest of our lives. Also, Percy still does not know that we were the one behind the whole mess. He thought that she cheated herself. No doubt that she had run into some trouble after Fudge was sacked as the Minister. We thought it's just nothing but a mere child's play. During the middle of the second War, she was caught red-handed by members of the MLE. It turned out that she was the mole who did some inside-jobs in the Ministry. Percy reported that Death Eaters managed to breach through the Ministry's defenses without much resistance. It was revealed that the reason that she did it was clearly for monetary reasons. But we never believed in that fact. We believed that she had something in common with Voldemort - discrimination.

Much to our horror, she was just handed a suspended sentence and a permanent removal from any Ministry posts. She was barred from applying for any Ministry jobs ever. But we felt that it wasn't enough. She should have been executed at the spot. But then again, we were not killers.

Okay, ladies and germs...if by any chance you happen to see her anytime at anyplace, be sure to...well give her a nice beating or a mock in her face. And at the notice board of the cashier counter of our...I mean, you and I, premises, you can see an 8 X 10-sized photo of that evil woman. Study it carefully, memorize it! And, by the way, get a fly-pie ready to be thrown at her!

END OF PART 2