I’m Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

Dear Sirius,

I´m sorry I haven´t written for awhile, but I´m sure you don´t mind too much since you´re probably soaking up the sun in Spain. It must be nice not to have to disguise yourself anymore. You don´t know how happy I am that Peter Pettigrew was caught. I am doing very well in my classes, even Snape´s. There are two new classes I´m taking this year: gym and intimate relations. Professor Crunk is teaching intimate relations and he´s an interesting teacher, I guess you could say. A hat puppet helps him teach the class and he usually uses Play Wizard as the textbook. His son, Mervin was expelled from Hogwarts because he kept spying on girls in the shower. Hermione is especially happy that he´s gone because he kept hitting on her. He was a real creep. Good news! Ron and Hermione are dating, they made it official in November. I know what you´re thinking, it´s about time and I couldn´t agree more. I´m happy for them, but sometimes it can be sickening when they start snogging each other senseless and call each other their pet names. And before you even ask, yes I do have a girlfriend. It´s Ginny, Ron´ sister. She has a birthday coming up and I still need to get her something...I don´t want to get her something cheap, but I also don´t think our relationship is ready for a diamond bracelet. (Not that I could afford one anyway). Do you have any suggestions? And one last thing, although you probably won´t believe me. Britney Spears is at Hogwarts. Yes, Britney Spears is here. It´s a long story.....

Love,
Your godson, Harry

P.S. Thanks again for the Tommy Hilfigure robe you sent me for Christmas.

"That was Def Leprechaun with his latest hit, Pour Some Butterbeer On Me. I´m Jazzy Magic and you´re tuned in to WWN 13.92. We got more great music coming up this hour including Uptown Witch, Party like it´s 1399, and The Scar."

Harry groaned when he heard that. The Scar was a song about what else, his lighting shaped mark on his forehead.

"I saw the scar!" Fred and George sand in unison. "And it opened up my mind, I saw the scar!"

"Shh, be quiet!" Dean said as a new song started on the radio. "I like this song!" He started to sing along with Get Outta My Dreams, Get Onto My Broom.

An hour and a half later the bus pulled into the parking lot of St. Michael´s Country Club.

"Nice place," Dean whistled as they all marveled at the large stone building.

"Everyone remember their groups?" Oliver asked and they all nodded "Good! Enjoy your day of golfing!"

In the clubhouse, the students got their golf clubs and golf balls and scorecards and golf carts. They ere were each placed at different holes to start off at so they wouldn´t all be starting at the first hole.

"I get to drive the cart!" Ron said after Oliver handed him the keys.

"What do you know about driving, Weasley?" Draco scoffed.

"A lot more than you think," Harry grinned, remembering the beginning of his second year. He sat besides Ron and Draco and Britney sat in the back.

Ron grinned over his shoulder. "Say, Harry, don´t you think Draco and Britney would make a cute couple?"

"Oh yes, they would make a very cute couple," Harry agreed, his grin as large as Ron´s.

In the back, Draco grimaced. "I can hear you, you know."

"Good," said Ron. "You´re not seeing anyone right now, are you Britney?"

"Not right now. Ah broke up wif Jestin an' now thet mah Mervin has lef' me, ah have nobody!"

"This is great!" exclaimed Ron. "You and Malfoy probably have a lot in common. Why, I even bet that you two use the same hair potion to dye your hair the same shade of blonde!"

"I don´t dye my hair!" an indignant Draco said. "I´m a natural blonde."

"Malfoy, you´re a natural blonde who still dyes your hair blonde," said Harry.

"Mah hair is naturally brown, but ah dyed it blonde on account o' brown hair is bo'in' an' blondes is mo'e sexy," said Britney.

"That´s not true," said Ran and Harry knew he was thinking of Hermione. "I prefer brunettes over blondes anyway."

"And I prefer redheads," grinned Harry.

"Okay, don´t talk about my sister that way," Ron turned his head and frowned at Harry.

"Like what? I didn´t even say anything!"

"Yes you did! You -"

"Weasley!" shouted Draco. "Watch where you´re going!"

Ron quickly turned his head just in time to see he was headed straight for a tree.

Four voices screamed. "Step on the brake, Ron!" Harry yelled.

"Where is the brake?" Ron yelled back. "I don´t know how these bloody Muggle things work!"

"We´re all going to die!" Draco screamed.

Harry moved his leg over to Ron´s side and slammed down on the brake with his foot. The vehicle abruptly stopped.

"Oof!" four voices sounded in unison.

"Well that was fun," Draco said dryly.

Ron managed to drive them safely the rest of the way to the first hole and they all got out with golf clubs in hand.

"Who wants to putt first?" asked Harry.

"I don´t care, I don´t even want to play this stupid Muggle game in the first place," Draco sneered as he threw his iron on the ground and plopped down next to it.

"I´ll go first then," said Harry as he placed his white golf ball on a tee and positioned himself so he was holding the club correctly (or as correctly as he knew) and hit the ball with the club - except he didn´t hit the ball, just a lot of earth.

"Great shot, Potter," Draco snickered.

Harry gave him a withering look. "Shut up, Malfoy."

He tried again, but once again hit earth.

Draco gave an exaggerated sigh. "Looks like we´re going to be here for awhile."

"Maybe you´re holding it wrong?" suggested Ron.

Harry began to feel frustrated. "How the bloody hell would I know?"

"Here, let me try."

"Be my guest," Harry said. He stepped back to allow room for Ron.

Ron took hit time as he aligned himself just right.

"You know, I bet all the other teams have already gone through three holes by now," Draco yawned.

"Yo' know, ah jest thunk of sumpin," said Britney.

The three wizards looked at her.

"What?" said Harry.

"They sh'd call it Fine Britain instead of Great Britain on account o' all th' fellas hyar is so fine. Oh mah God, ah love Prince William! Ah reckon he's in love of me too! Have enny of yo' evah met him?"

They all stared at her.

Finally Ron spoke. "Er. no, but I´ve had people mistake me for Prince Harry."

Draco snorted at this.

"What? It could happen. We both have red hair."

"Anyone who mistakes a Weasley for a member of the Royal Family needs to be whacked with a Firebolt!"

"Whut about yo'?" Britney asked Harry. "Do people evah mistake yo' fo' Prince Harry?"

Harry blinked. "Why would they do that? I look nothing like him."

But yo' haf th' same name as him!" Britney exclaimed.

Now both Ron and Draco were sniggering.

Harry rolled his eyes. "As hard as it is to believe, I´ve never had anybody think I´m Prince Harry just because we have the same name."

"Okay, let´s stop this chitter chatter," Draco said. "Somebody just swing the damn golf club so we can move on."

Ron returned back to the golfball and took aim at it with his golf club. The small white ball flew effortlessly and beautifully in the air after he had tapped it with a satisfying thwack.

At the same time, Colin was teaching Ginny a dance. "No, it goes like this," Colin said to her. "Now watch me." He took a few steps back. "Oops, I -work the hips!- did it - take a step forward- again - wigggle, wiggle! I played - hold out your hand - with your heart-"

"Wow, Colin, you´re almost even better than Britney," Gillian interrupted.

Colin looked indignant. "Almost?"

Ginny laughed. "Are you going to do that for the talent show?"

Dumbledore had decided to postpone the talent show until the last week of school so the students would have time to study for their finals.

"Maybe not that one, but I do plan on being in the show."

* * *

It turned out Ron was quite the golfer. Everytime he shot a good hole, he did a little dance that drove Draco crazy.

"Stop being so cocky, Weasley. You know you just got lucky."

"Ah like go'fin'," Britney chimed in. "Ah reckon when ah git back home t' Louisiana, ah's gonna buy mah own go'f course."

"You like golf?" said Harry. "You´ve been hitting foul balls all day!"

"You can call your golf course Britney´s Foul Balls," Ron suggested.

"Why would you want to waste your money on some stupid golf course anyway?" said Draco.

"Wal, ah have so much money, ah can blow it on ennythin'," Britney replied.

Ron rolled his eyes. "If you ever want to buy Harry and me gifts, go ahead."

After everyone had finished their game, they headed to the clubhouse to have lunch. Ron and Harry found Hermione sitting at a round large table and she waved them over. A couple minutes later George, Fred, and Ginny joined them as well.

George slapped Ron on the shoulder before he sat down. "I hear our ickle brother is quite the little golfer. We´re so proud of you!"

Ron shrugged. "It´s just a natural skill I have. You know, like I have with chess and being suave with the ladies." He ignored the snickering going around the table.

The waiter came by to take their orders. Harry chatted with his friends for awhile until he heard a voice he recognized. A very unwelcome voice.

"Mum! I want to get a large Coke AND a chocolate milkshake!" the voice squealed.

"You okay, there, Harry?" George asked. "Your face is all white. You look like you just saw a ghost."

Harry glanced at the restaurant´s entrance and saw what he feared most: his fat cousin Dudley followed by Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon.

"I have to hide, I have to hide," he mumbled as he dove under the table.

"Harry! What are you doing?" Ginny hissed.

"My asshole relatives just came in. I don´t want them to see me!"

"Dang, Harry. I didn´t think it was physically possible for your cousin to get any fatter, but he did," said Fred.

"Yes, but he´s still thinner than Mervin Crunk," said Hermione.

"Mervin could take some diet lessons from him," sniggered Ron.

"Harry, would you get out from under there?" Hermione scolded. "Who cares if they see you here?"

"I care! They´ll make a scene if they see me."

When Harry glanced up he saw a mischievous look in the twin´s eyes he did not like at all.

Fred stood up and started waving at them. "Mr. and Mrs. Dursley! Dudley! Long time no see! How have you been?"

Harry hid his face in his hands. He wanted to die.

The three Dursleys all looked in their direction and their faces were shocked when they saw Fred and George. They obviously remembered them from the Ton-Tongue Toffee incident the summer before last.

Vernon´s face turned red as he stormed over to their table. "What is your kind doing here? You´re those redheaded freaks who nearly ruined our home!"

"Not to mention our poor Dudley-kins." Petunia was now behind her husband with her arms on Dudley´s large shoulders.

"It´s so wonderful to see you again," George said politely. "You should really come to our house for dinner sometime. Mum can cook up a large turkey. We usually zap it with a wand before-"

"Don´t talk like that!" exclaimed Vernon. "I don´t want to hear about your sick rituals."

"What is your kind doing here anyway?" sputtered Petunia. "This is a place for normal people."

"Hey, we´re normal!" Ron said.

"Field trip," replied George. "You should see our little brother. He has a secret talent of golfing."

"Harry´s here too!" Fred said cheerfully. "But he´s, uh, in the loo now. Yeah! That´s where he is. Shall I tell him you all said hello?"

Vernon bristled. "No, because I would never say hello to that boy!"

"Mu-mummy! D-daddy! I´m sc-scared!" Dudley´s voice quavered as Petunia tightened her arms around him.

"Poor Dudley-kins," she murmured.

"Come, Petunia, let´s eat someplace else, shall we?" said Vernon. "I don´t want to be in the same vicinity as these freaks!"

"Nice relative you have there, Harry," Ginny said after they were gone and Harry was back in his chair.

"They´re absolutely awful!" said Hermione. "I´m surprised you haven´t done drugs yet because of them."

"Don´t give him any ideas, Hermione!" said Ron.

"I´ve learned to tune them out," Harry replied with a shrug.

"Good thing they didn´t see Britney," Hermione said as she looked at the pop star who was sitting with Lavendar and Parvati. "Or else they would have been really suspicious!"

"When is Dumbledore going to send her back to the South?" whined Ron. "She´s been here nearly the whole school year."

Harry shrugged. "I´m not sure. I haven´t talked to him in awhile. Hopefully he hasn´t forgotten about it. You know he´s getting pretty old and senile."

"Getting old?" laughed Ginny. "He is old! But I wouldn´t call him senile. He´s sharp as a knife."

After all the students´ meals were finished they all got on the bus for the drive back to Hogwarts. Since it had been a long day, most of the students slept. Only a few stayed awake and chatted quietly. Fred and George were one of those awake. Seeing Ron asleep with his arm around a sleeping Hermione and Harry quietly snoring in the seat across from them, they both had a marvelous idea.

"I´ll take care of Ron and you do Harry," Fred whispered to George who nodded and grinned.

The twins tiptoed over to the sleeping best friends, took out their quill pens and got to work. George drew a pipe on Harry´s cheek so it looked like it was coming out of his mouth and he was smoking it. He also added an ink mustache for an extra touch. Meanwhile, Fred was drawing a big, vile-looking spider right smack in the middle of Ron´s forehead. He bit his lip to keep from laughing outloud. Other students who were awake were looking curiously at them and started laughing when they saw what they had done to Harry and Ron. Draco laughed the loudest.

"Don´t laugh so loud," Fred warned him. "You´re just lucky you were awake!" He grinned like a maniac as he held up his quill pen.

Hermione was the first to awake from the laughing. She yawned and faced Ron who was just waking up, as was Harry. Her eyes widened when she saw them. "What the-"

Then she looked past Ron and saw the cigar drawn on Harry´s face and started laughing.

"What´s so funny?" demanded Harry.

"Wait! Do I have something on my face?" Hermione´s hands flew to her face.

"No, why?" Ron asked.

Hermione calmly reached into her bag and pulled out a compact mirror. She opened it up and gave it to Ron. He looked in the mirror and yelped.

"Now look at Harry," she instructed.

He turned to look his friend and both boys exclaimed, "You have something on your face!"

"I know!" said Ron. He gave the mirror to Harry.

"Hey, I like the mustache," said Harry. "Nice touch."

"Fred and George are such idiots," mumbled Ron.

"Hey, what makes you think we did it?" George asked innocently a few seats behind them. They had been listening to their conversation.

"How do we get these stupid things off?" Ron asked.

"You´ll have to wait until you get back. Just wash it off with soap."

So Harry and Ron rode on the bus for the rest of the ride home with a cigar and spider on their faces.

* * *

"Ron! Hey, Ron!" Wearing a big smile on his face as he came down to the Great Hall for dinner, Harry ran over to the Gryffindor table waving a letter.

"What is it, Harry?" asked Ron as Harry took a seat.

"I got a letter from Sirius! He´s in town and wants to take me out tonight. He said you could come too!"

"Take you out where?" Hermione asked suspiciously.

"Dunno. He didn´t say. Just out."

"Sure, I would love to go!" said Ron. "Sirius is cool."

"Great! He said for us to meet him in front of the Magical Tavern at eight tonight."

"Harry!" exclaimed Hermione. "The Magical Tavern is a pub!"

"So?"

"So? So you and Ron are too young to go there."

"Don´t worry, Hermione," Ron said. "We won´t drink there. We´ll just have soda or something."

"Right," said Harry. "Sirius won´t let us drink anyway."

"Uh huh," Hermione said in an I-don´t-believe-you voice.

* * *

Feeling important they were going out for the night with Harry´s Godfather, Harry and Ron put on their best dress robes.

"We look good, Harry," Ron said and Harry agreed with his friends. They did look good.

When they walked down to the common room they saw Hermione sitting on one of the coaches talking to Ginny.

"You two look awfully dressed up," Hermione commented as she saw them descending down the stairs.

"Yeah," agreed Ginny. "You never dress up for us unless there´s a ball."

"We would invite you two to join us," Harry said. "But I think Sirius is intending this to be a guy´s only night."

"Okay, have fun and don´t get into too much trouble," said Hermione.

After Harry and Ron kissed their girlfriends, they walked to Hogsmeade and into the Magical Tavern where they saw Sirius sitting at a table. He waved the boys over.

"Hi, Sirius," Harry said giving his Godfather a hug. "How are you?"

"Great, now that I´m a free man. And yourself?"

"I´m doing great. Did you get my letter?" Harry asked as he and Ron sat down

Sirius nodded. "I sure did." He grinned at Ron. "So I hear you and Hermione are a couple now."

Ron went red. "Harry told you that?" He glared at Harry.

"What?" said Harry. "It´s true."

"I think it´s great!" said Sirius. "You two make a cute couple."

"You think?" said Ron.

"Oh yes. You´re a lucky guy, Ron."

An attractive waitress with long black hair and dark eyes came by their table and asked them what they would like to drink. When she asked them, she was only looking at Sirius.

"Butterbeers all around," said Sirius smiling at her. "Make them heavy."

"Uh, we better not, Sirius," said Harry. "We promised Ginny and Hermione we wouldn´t drink."

"Surely they won´t mind if you have one beer?"

"Maybe not one," said Ron. "But better make it lite."

The waitress nodded and jotted the order down.

"So you´re dating Ginny now," Sirius said smiling at Harry. "And you told me you still need to buy her a birthday present."

"What?" said Ron. "You still haven´t gotten her a present? Her birthday is only a week away."

"I know!" said Harry. "I just don´t know what to get her. Have you gotten her something?"

"Of course I have!"

"What did you get her?"

"A gift certificate to Honeydukes. Hey, maybe you can get her a gift certificate at one of these shops."

"I don´t know," said Harry. "That just doesn´t seem right."

"Harry´s right," chimed in Sirius. "A lad should never give his girlfriend money or a gift certificate."

"Do you have any suggestion what I could give her?" Harry asked Sirius.

Just then the waitress returned with their butterbeers and placed them in front of the three wizards.

"Thank you, Ava," Sirius said looking at her nametag and giving her a dazzling smile.

Ron and Harry glanced knowingly at each other.

"Do you think Ava´s pretty?" Harry grinned at his Godfather after Ava was gone.

Sirius´s face went red. "I thought we were talking about what you were going to give Ginny for her birthday. Do you want to hear my suggestions or not?"

"Of course I do."

"Well, you could take her out on a romantic dinner."

"Hmm," said Harry.

"Hmm," said Ron. "She´s turning fifteen."

"Yeah, better save that for her sixteenth birthday," Harry mused.

Ron glared at him.

"Maybe some jewellery?" suggested Sirius. "Her birthday´s in April and the birthstone is a diamond -"

"I think a diamond might be a little too personal," said Harry. "I wouldn´t want to give her the wrong impression or anything. Besides, I couldn´t afford one anyway. Not without going broke."

"Perhaps a nice book?"

"No," said Ron. "Hermione would steal it."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Ginny likes to read, but I´m not getting a good vibe from a gift like that."

"How about a picnic, just the two of you?" suggested Sirius. "It´s romantic, but still innocent."

"Picnics aren´t that innocent," said Ron. "When Hermione and I went on one the other weekend, we-" he immediately stopped talking.

"Yes?" said Harry with a grin.

"I said never mind," Ron mumbled.

"A picnic might not be a bad idea," said Harry. "I can get Dobby to pack us Ginny´s favorite lunch. Thanks, Sirius!"

"Always happy to help my godson," said Sirius.

Just then Ava appeared again. "How is everything? Can I get you something to eat? Perhaps some popcorn?"

Sirius smiled at her once again. "We´re fine, but thanks, Ava."

Ava smiled at him and walked away.

"I think she likes you," said Harry.

"You should give her your phone number," said Ron. "She´s pretty."

"You think she likes me?" said Sirius, slightly interested.

"Oh, yes," agreed Ron. "It´s all about the body language."

"Well, I always did have a way with the ladies," Sirius replied.

"You mean like me?" said Ron.

Harry frowned at his friend. "You don´t have a way with the ladies. What are you talking about?"

"It´s a well known fact that every woman wants a Weasley." *

"Oh, please," scoffed Harry. "If you had girls falling at your feet, Hermione would straighten you out in no time." He took a drink of his butterbeer.

"He´s just jealous," Ron mouthed to Sirius who smiled.

"Can I get you another refill?" Ava was by Sirius´s side.

"Uh..." Sirius glanced at Harry and Ron who were encouraging him with their eyes. "Say, when does your shift end?"

Ava looked surprised, but replied, "In half an hour."

"Then I´ll wait until then for my refill and perhaps you could join me. These two need to head back to school anyway."

"I would love to have a drink with you...."

"Sirius," he replied. "Sirius Black."

Harry was worried that this might scare Ava off, but she looked more intrigued than frightened.

"I thought you looked familiar! You know, you look a lot better without that scraggly beard."

Sirius smiled. "I get that a lot."

Harry and Ron rolled their eyes at each other as Sirius and Ava continued to flirt with each other.

"Well, I guess we best be going," Harry said standing up. "Thanks for the butterbeer, Sirius."

"Yes, thanks." Ron stood up too. "You two have a nice evening now."

"It was great to see you, Harry, Ron," Sirius said. "We´ll have to get together again soon."

"Maybe we could all go on a triple date," Harry suggested with a grin before he and Ron ran out of the pub.

* * *

When Ginny woke the next morning she saw a note at the foot of her bed. Yawning, she reached for it and read it. Ginny - please meet me by the lake in an hour so we can go swimming. Harry.

Ginny frowned, but shrugged. It wasn´t like Harry to dot his i´s with hearts. Maybe he was just in a good mood. Glad that it was the weekend, she kicked off her covers to get ready to meet Harry at the lake. It was a beautiful April day, a perfect day to take a dip in the lake.

* * *

Meanwhile, Harry was getting ready to visit Hogsmeade with Ron and Hermione. He had decided to take Ginny on a picnic for her birthday, but also wanted to get her a little something as well.

* * *

Ginny waited for Harry to arrive as she sat under a tree by the lake. She sat on a white towel wearing her navy blue bathing suit as her robe lay in a bundle besides her.

"Hoowdy do, Ginny!"

Ginny rolled her eyes as she saw a familiar overly tanned figure with bleached blonde hair wearing a skimpy hot pink bikini approach her.

"Hi, Britney," she said politely. "How are you today?"

"Oh, Ah am graht!" said Britney. "Ah decided ah w'd hoof it fo' a swim on account o' it's sech a nice day. Whut in tarnation is yo' doin'?"

"Oh, Harry wanted me meet him down here," Ginny finally said after she had deciphered what Britney had just said to her.

"Whuffo' isn't yo' in th' water yet? Come on, yo' kin swim wif me!"

"Well, okay," agreed Ginny. She was getting awfully hot under the sun waiting for Harry. And once he came, they could ditch Britney.

Ginny and Britney went in the lake enjoying the cool water in silence. After awhile Ginny was about to ask Britney what exactly she had done again in that song, but something had seized both girls by their legs.

Ginny screamed. "What is that?"

"Ah doesn't know! Fry mah hide! Mebbe it's th' Loch Ness monster!" Britney screamed back.

"There´s no such thing as the Loch Ness monster!" Ginny screamed before both girls were violently pulled underwater and all that remained were a few bubbles.

* * *

"Michael, I have her! I have the bait!" Voldemort said cheerfully as he dragged an unconscious Ginny in his right hand and an unconscious Britney in his left.

"Wonderful!" Michael said as he came around the corridor. He frowned when he saw that Voldemort was carrying two young girls. "Voldie, darling, why do you have two girls? I don´t think Harry Potter is a pimp."

Voldemort shrugged. "I don´t know who she is, Michael. I found her with Harry´s girlfriend at the entrance."

"How peculiar," Michael mused. "She looks vaguely familiar. Put them in the cell and guard them until I am ready."

* * *

When Ginny woke up she was damp and cold and lying on a concrete floor. She groggily sat up and noted she was wearing a black robe over her bathing suit. A glance to her left she saw that Britney was passed out beside her. The memories of what had happened earlier all came flooding back to her. As she looked around her surroundings she noted that she and Britney were in some kind of cell.

She stood up in a panic and shouted, "What´s going on here?"

This made Britney awake as well. "Whar is we?" she yelped as she stood up next to Ginny.

"I don´t know!" Ginny replied. "One minute we were in the lake, the next we´re here... wherever we are."

Just then they saw a figure draped in a cloak approach them. They both backed up against the wall. Britney screamed as the figure unhooded itself.

"You!" shouted Ginny.

The figure gave a sinister smile.

"Eww! Yer homely!" shrieked Britney. " Don't yo' use moisturizer on yer hide?"

Voldemort touched his scaly face. "What´s wrong with my skin?"

"What do you want with us?" Ginny asked in a shaky voice.

"Thanks, Voldie. I´ll take if from here," another voice said from the entrance.

"Yer Michael Bay!" exclaimed Britney. "Ah jest love yer movies."

Michael looked surprised. "Britney Spears! I´ll be damned. You would be wonderful to cast in one of my movies."

"What´s going on here?" asked Ginny. "How does she know who you are?"

"My dear Miss Weasley, when you´re the one and only Michael Bay, everyone knows who you are. And everyone hates me!" Michael laughed evilly.

"You´re the evil wizard Mervin Crunk idolizes so!" exclaimed Ginny. "You direct those awful movies for Muggles to watch."

"Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" cackled Michael. "You are a smart girl. Tell me, are you in Ravenclaw?"

"No, Gryffindor."

"Ah's in Gryffindo' too," said Britney.

Ginny gave her a withering look. "No you´re not. You´re just a guest staying at Gryffindor."

"Would you like to know why you´re here?" asked Michael.

"Yes, I would. That would be nice," snapped Ginny.

"I have you here to lure your boyfriend, the great and one and only and wonderful and blah blah, Harry Potter. I will send him a letter telling him how he can rescue you. But what he won´t know is that he will walk right into the trap I have set up for him. Muhahahaha!"

"What trap?" asked Ginny.

"It´s my experiment for which I need a guinea pig. And I want Harry Potter to be my guinea pig."

"What experiment?" asked Ginny.

"Yes, what experiment, Michael?" questioned Voldemort. "You still haven´t told me."

"Let´s just say I call it my God Machine," cackled Michael.

"You can´t hurt Harry!" cried Ginny. "I won´t let you!"

"Shut up, you stupid little girl. After I´m finished with your four-eyed boyfriend, I just may let you go. But if you keep any of this whiny crap up...."

Ginny glared at him.

Michael smiled. "Good. I´m glad we have an understanding. Now if you´ll excuse me, I have a letter to write."

"Is there anything I can do?" Voldemort asked in an eager voice.

"Yes. You will stay here and guard the prisoners."

"But Michael, they´re behind steel bars and don´t have any wands," said Voldemort, sadly. "There´s no way they can get out."

"I want you to guard the prisoners!" Michael snapped.

"But Michael, I´m hungry. I was thinking we could pack a picnic lunch of moldy bread, rotten fruit and sour milk -"

"Voldie, what did I say? I don´t have time for this. You can eat here. Whatever you do, don´t leave until I return."

Voldemort gazed at his lover sadly as he left the room. He then turned his sad gaze on Ginny and Britney. "He never wants to be with me anymore."

Ginny raised her eyebrows. "Are you two together?"

"Yes, do you have a problem with that?"

"No, I just never thought of you as gay. I never thought of you as straight either, to tell you the truth. I never saw you as anyone´s lover, especially another evil wizards. Not that there´s anything wrong with that," she added quickly. "One of my best friends is gay."

"Yo' mean Harry?" said Britney.

"Yes, Britney, my boyfriend is gay," Ginny said sardonically. "I was talking about Colin."

"Michael used to want to be around me all the time," Voldemort continued. "Now I think he´s embarrassed to be seen with me. He´s too busy with taking over the world to even give me the time of day." He felt a small tear running down his cheek and tried to swat it away, but it was too late. The tear splashed away from his face. "I´m sorry. I don´t mean to be so emotional. It´s just that my relationship with Michael is so complicated. I´m so frustrated. I want to hold him tight, I want to push him away."

"Maybe you should tell him how you feel," suggested Ginny.

But Voldemort shook his head, his tears starting to flow now. "That wouldn´t work. He doesn´t listen to me anyway."

"Make him listen."

"Sin' him a song about how yo' feel," suggested Britney. "Say t'him, Sometimes ah run. Sometimes ah hide. But all ah wanna do is hold yo' tight. Treatcha right. Be wif yo' day an' night."

"Singing that stupid song won´t help anyone," said Ginny.

Voldemort went over to a shabby cabinet sitting in a corner of the room and opened it. "I think we may be here for awhile, so would you two like to play a board game?"

"You have board games?" Ginny asked with surprise.

"Yes, it´s a guilty pleasure of mine and Michael´s. We used to play Mall Madness all the time." Voldemort sighed wistfully. "There´s also Monopoly, Life, Scrabble, and Candy Land."

"I like Life," Ginny said remembering the time she had played it with Hermione and Gillian.

"Ah like that game too," said Britney. "Ah also like Kindy Lan'. When ah was yo'nger ah tried t'eat them plastic gingerbread min on account o' ah thunk they were real, ah reckon."

"Life it is!" Voldemort said cheerfully. He picked up the box and slipped through the bars. He was so skinny he was able to do this. He sat down with Ginny and Britney and the three of them started to set up the game.

* * *

"Thanks for helping me pick out that perfume, Hermione," Harry said as he walked back to Hogwarts with his friends. "I´m sure Ginny will love it."

"No problem, Harry," she replied.

"Hey, Harry, want to play a game of Chess?" Ron asked when they returned to the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Sure," said Harry. "Set up the board. I´m going to put Ginny´s gift in our room."

"Okay," said Ron. "Hmm, I think while you´re gone, I´m gonna make out with Hermione."

Hermione swatted him with a pillow.

"Ooh, feisty!" Ron grinned.

When Harry reached the boy´s dormitory, he saw a two pieces of paper folded up on his pillow. Frowning, he unfolded the letter and read it. His eyes widened in shock at what he was reading.

"Ron! Ron!" he yelled running back down to the Common Room. He interrupted a snogging Ron and Hermione on the couch.

"What is it?" Ron asked in an irritated voice.

Harry held up the note. "You won´t believe it. It´s a telegram....bad news.....about your sister."

"What?" Ron said, panic rising in his voice.

"What is it, Harry?" Hermione asked with a worried look.

"Here, you read it." He tossed the note to Hermione and sat down in an overstuffed chair burying his face in his hands as Hermione read the telegram.

"Dear Mr. Potter. STOP! We have your girlfriend. STOP! We also have Britney Spears even though we weren´t suppose to capture her, but we do have her too. STOP! If you want to rescue Ginny, you will have to follow the map which I´ve so kindly attached to this telegram. STOP! Do not bring anyone. You must go alone. STOP! The excursion will take around two days so pack accordingly. STOP!

Signed,

Michael Bay and Voldemort."

"Sounds like Michael Bay and He Who Must Not Be Named are working together," said Harry.

"Wait a minute," said Ron. "Isn´t Michael Bay that one dark wizard that Mervin worships? He used to have his posters up all over his wall before he was expelled."

"Yep," said Hermione. "He´s also known in the Muggle world as a really bad director who makes the crappiest movies."

"I don´t think his movies are that bad," said Harry. "They are kind of entertaining."

"Right," said Ron. "The point is they have Ginny and Britney, but who cares about her. We have to go get Ginny." He started to get up.

"Where are you going?" asked Harry.

"Upstairs to pack. I´m going with you."

"But you can´t! The note said only I could go."

"This is my sister we´re talking about. And you´ll probably get lost!"

"Hold on," said Hermione. "If you two are going, then I´m coming with you. I´m the brains of this operation. You´ll need me."

"Hermione, you just read the note! It said I was suppose to come alone!" Harry exclaimed.

"Harry, Ron´s right," said Hermione. "You have no sense of direction. You´ll get lost. We´re coming with you. While we pack I´ll think of a way so people won´t notice we´re gone for two days."

"Oh, that will be easy," Ron said with mock in his voice.

Just then the door opened and Colin and Gillian walked in, giggling as they looked at a magazine.

"Hey guys," said Gillian. "Have you seen Ginny? We´ve been trying to find her all day."

"Yeah, we want to try this new hairstyle we found in Cosmo Witch on her," said Colin. "I tried it on Gillian, but her hair´s too thin. But I think Ginny´s hair would work great."

"Uh, she´s not here right now," said Harry.

"Yeah, she´s been kidnapped by two evil wizards and we need to go get her," said Ron.

"Ron!" exclaimed Harry.

Colin and Gillian started at Ron.

"Are you serious?" said Gillian.

"Unfortunately he is," Hermione said as she handed Colin the telegram. "And we´re going to get her."

"I´m going too," said Gillian.

"Me too," said Colin.

"No, you can´t," said Harry. "I was the only one suppose to go. How´s it going to look if I show up with four other people?"

"But I´m her best friend!" Colin and Gillian said at the same time.

They both look at each other in surprise and said in unison, "No, I am!"

"I´ve known her longer than you have!" said Colin.

"I share a dorm with her!" said Gillian.

"Listen, you two can come with us if you just shut up and go pack," said Hermione.

"What should we pack?" asked Colin.

"Clothes, your wand, a sleeping bag. We´ll get Dobby and the other elves to make us some food to take."

"Hermione, McGonagall is going to notice five, well six, of her students are missing," said Harry. "What do you propose to do about that?"

"Simple. We´ll take Hedwig with us. Once we get far enough away we´ll write a note to McGonagall to tell us where we are and why we´re gone and have Hedwig deliver it to her."

"But McGonagall will send somebody after for us," said Ron.

"Yeah, but they won´t know where to look since we won´t be telling her where we are...unless we´re in trouble. The only thing I´m worried about is loosing House Points, or worse, being expelled."

"Oh, we´re going to get in so much trouble for this it´s not even funny," said Ron.

"But we´re doing it for a reason," said Harry. "We need to get Ginny."

"And-" prompted Hermione.

"And what?"

"And Britney!"

"Oh, I think we should just leave her there," Harry grinned. "Ron, can you pack my things? I´m going to ask Dobby to pack us some food. And don´t forget to pack the Invisibility Cloak!"

"I got you covered," said Ron.

Harry was able to get some fruit and sandwiches and bottles of pumpkin juice from the elves. He thanked them and headed back upstairs with the basket of food. He met with the others who were already packed. Ron threw his backpack and sleeping bag to him. Hermione quickly performed a spell on each bag so they shrunk down to a very miniature size so people wouldn´t get suspicious if they saw them walking down the corridors hauling backpacks and sleeping bags.

"This spell only lasts a few minutes so we need to get outside before everything returns to the normal size," Hermione said.

"Well, here we go," said Ron. "Everyone ready."

The others nodded.

"Okay, let´s go," said Harry.

The five students casually walked out of the castle. They went past Seamus and Dean and smiled at them and said hello. They had only taken five steps out of the castle when their packs and sleeping bags returned to the normal size.

"Okay, we really need to get off the premise of the school," Hermione said as she swung her pack over her shoulders. "Where does the map say we need to go, Harry?"

"Uh, it says-"

But he was interrupted by a voice saying, "Well, well, well. What do we have here?"

"Oh shit," Ron muttered under his breath.

Draco Malfoy came up to them from the direction of the greenhouse. He looked at them. "Are we going camping or something?"

"Yes, Malfoy, we´re going camping. Now go unplaster your hair or something," said Ron.

Malfoy glared at him. "Hey, don´t diss the hair! Does McGonagall know about your little camping trip? And hey, shouldn´t there be another redhead among you?"

"Uh....," said Harry.

Draco put his hands on his hips and narrowed his eyes at them suspiciously. "What´s going on here? If you don´t tell me, I´m going to march in there right now and tell McGonagall that you´re sneaking out."

"You better not do that!" Harry said angrily.

"Then tell me where you´re going."

"If we tell you, you have to promise you won´t tell anyone," said Hermione.

"Fine. I promise. Now tell me. Where are you going?"

After he was told the situation, Draco said, "I´m going with you."

"What?" said Harry. "You´re not going with us."

"You´re already bringing these goons. What´s another person?"

"Malfoy, why do you want to go with us?" Ron asked.

"If you don´t let me go, I´ll tell McGonagall!"

"Wow, you are such a tattletale today, aren´t you?" said Hermione.

"Listen, you gotta take me with you. I have this Herbology test tomorrow and I didn´t study for it. But I´m sure I´ll be let off the hook if they knew I was off rescuing some helpless little Gryffindor."

"You won´t be rescuing her, Malfoy," Harry snapped.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Either you let me go with you or I´m telling McGonagall."

Harry sighed. "Fine. You can come with us. But I´m not going to let you go and pack. We´re leaving right now with what you have."

"Hey, I have my wand, so I´m all set."

"Okay," said Harry consulting the map. "It says we need to walk to the other side of the lake."

The six Hogwarts students began their journey.