The Seduction of Severus Snape

Chapter 11: The Renaissance Man

* ~ March 2 ~ *

Another month gone by, already. Whoo, time really does fly when you're giving Professor Snape health advice. I made him an exercise calendar and a two-week meal plan in my spare time (since I have no life) and decided to surprise him with it before breakfast one morning. It was rather easy to find him; I just headed down to the dungeons and made a racket. It wasn't long before Professor Snape was up and running.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Professor! Look what I made you!" I held out the charts.

"...What is it?"

"It's an exercise calendar and a two-week meal plan!" He just stared at me. "It's either this or massive coronary."

"I'll take the heart attack, thanks."

"That's it. I'm going to go to Madam Pomfrey and I'm telling her that not only do you refuse to follow the proper nutritional guidelines, but you also molested me."

"Hold it!"

"Are you going to take it, or what?" With a low growl, he snatched the papers from my hands. "How very responsible of you, sir."

"Get out of my sight."

"Remember, the sooner you're in good health, the sooner we can have sex." Wow, he looked murderous after that comment. "See you later!" I got my ass out of there before I got it into any more trouble. During breakfast, I talked to Colin and everything was resolved. Then I told the SSS that I wasn't going to do any more tasks for the week.

"Why not?" Ginny complained.

"Because I'm trying to get Professor Snape healthy, not send him back to the infirmary."

"You so fancy him."

"Shut it." In front of Colin, I added in my head. After classes, I went up to the hospital wing to ask Madam Pomfrey a few questions for Professor Snape. She seemed rather amused, for some reason. Then she told me I should be his tag-along dietician, and, sensing an opportunity to spend tons of time with the love of my life- I mean- professor, I agreed. I decided to wait a bit to inform Professor Snape, since his condition seemed rather fragile at the moment. As in, he'd hex me.

At dinner I gave him the eye. The entire time. Needless to say, he stayed away from anything I (or Madam Pomfrey) would disapprove of. After dinner, I apprehended him. "Madam Pomfrey informed me that you have a dietician, now."

"...Who?" He looked ready to stab himself in the face.

"Me." I grinned. Then he looked ready to stab me in the face. There isn't really much else to tell for the rest of the week. I just kept badgering him to exercise and forced him to eat healthy food. I had a lot of help from Professor Lupin, of course. Then, yesterday (Saturday, for those of you not in the know) things took a drastic turn. I was walking down to the dungeons at around eleven in the morning to see if Professor Snape was in his office when... There he was. My dad.

"Oh my God, Dad. No." There's something about my father that kind of bothers me. He dresses very well, when it comes to wizards' robes. It's nothing but the best. But with muggle clothes... It's another story. He never throws anything away. He uses preservation charms and just keeps wearing the clothing. Clothing from the seventies and eighties. Clothing he's had since he was my age. It's sort of like a "go you!" though, since they still fit him perfectly. But they're the most crazy, disgustingly colored things on the planet.

And there he was, in flamingo pink Doc Martens, morbidly ripped jeans, acid green shirt, brown corduroy jacket. The jacket, I like. But... He looks like a nutty bum! One of those people holding signs saying "God is a duck and the world is coming to an end!" or something. It embarrasses me. Just a little.

"Hullo, lovely." He yawned. "How's school?"

"It's fine, Dad. And do those jeans have an ass rip?"

"Don't worry. The jacket covers it."

"Oh, good lord."

"These have a lot of sentimental value."

"Yes, you must have had some good times in them, mooning people on the street all day." He only grinned. "Why are you here, now? Since when do you frequent Hogwarts?"

"I received a letter informing me that you sexually assaulted Professor Snape and endangered his health. Is that true, or is this just a wonderful dream?"

"It's true." Maybe he is a nutty bum. Ew. Double entendre.

"Nadia. I just want you to know..." He put his hands on my shoulders and sniffed dramatically. "I'm very proud of you!"

"...What?"

"My little baby's growing up and falling in love!"

"What!?" He pulled me into a bone-crushing hug, sniffling again.

"I only hope I'm a good grandfather!"

"WHAT!?"

"The wedding will be so beautiful! I know the perfect place!"

"DAD! What the hell are you talking about!?" He finally let me go and gave me a rather puzzled look.

"You mean you're not madly in love with Professor Snape?" He looked as if he were trying to grasp a concept that seemed too impossible to be true.

"I wouldn't say madly in love."

"Oh?" He raised an eyebrow. Oh no. He was getting ideas. "What would you say?"

"Umm... Lust over him every moment of every day?" There was a short silence.

"Good enough!" Then he was hugging me again.

"Somebody!" I wheezed. "Help!"

"I'm so happy for you!"

"What's all this racket!?" Professor Snape, of all people, had entered the scene. However, he took one look at us and... "Bye."

"SEVERUS!!!!" Dad tackled him. Oh Jesus help me. My father just tackled my potions professor. And was he babbling in Italian?

"GET OFF ME!!" Professor Snape roared. "I AM NOT A SOFA!! I AM A HUMAN BEING!!"

"This sofa is awfully noisy," Dad commented blithely.

"Let me try it." Well, if you can't beat them, join them. I sat down on Professor Snape's bum and gave it a little slap. "It's rather firm, I think."

"DETENTION!"

"And hairy," Dad added, ruffling the professor's hair. "Lumpy, too." He shimmied a bit, as if trying to get comfortable. "Not a good buy, I'd say."

"YOU'RE CRUSHING ME!!"

"Well, I like the color," I said. "And I don't know, there's just something about sitting on it that makes me feel good."

"Yes, I agree. Say, where did Professor Snape go?"

"I'LL KILL THE BOTH OF YOU!!!"

"No idea," I replied. "Maybe he went back to bed."

"We should wait for him here."

"By the way, did you come for another parent teacher conference?"

"Yes. And, you know, I thought I should take a little responsibility for your actions and help the good professor recover."

"That's awfully nice of you."

"I know. I'm just a nice person."

"YOU'RE A NUTTY TIT!! GET OFF OF ME!! FIFTY POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW!!!"

"Did you hear something, Nadia?"

"Why, no, Father. Did you?"

"Can't say I did."

"I CAN'T BREATHE!!!"

"I think we should get up, now," I sighed.

"What's the magic word?" Dad sang out, poking Professor Snape in the back of the head.

"...Please," he grumbled. With matching groans, Dad and I got to our feet.

"You wouldn't have such weak bones if you'd consume three servings of calcium fortified dairy products a day," Dad scolded.

"First of all- what are those on your feet?"

"My stompy pink Doc Martens. I know I keep saying I'll throw them out, but I just love them so very much."

"They're ugly."

"Nuh-uh. And don't go bashing the Docs. Nadia, don't you have the green ones I gave you?" So I have stompy Doc Martens. They're pretty and in my favorite color and I love them, so there. I'd stick my tongue out, but... This is a journal.

"Yes. I'm wearing them." Yes. I was.

"Oh, I didn't notice! Look at those, Severus. Aren't they lovely? Green, too. Slytherin pride! Huzzah!"

"Shut up. You're a freak."

"At least I have color in my wardrobe," Dad replied smugly. I really don't think he should be proud of those colors. "And I'm in shape."

"That's enough. I'm going back to bed."

"Oh no you don't! You need to get some exercise." Professor Snape's tick was going off by then. "Let's go."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Don't be a child."

"I AM NOT A CHILD!"

"Or a sofa," I added, feeling a sudden need to be included in the conversation.

"You! Go!" I rolled my eyes.

"Really, now. I'm your official dietician. You can't make me go."

"But- you- I-"

"Ah-ah! Madam Pomfrey gave me this responsibility, and I refuse to show the same carelessness you are regarding the matter with."

"Yeah," Dad sniggered. "Stop being so careless."

"I'd rather just have the heart attack, really," Professor Snape assured me.

"No. We're walking to Hogsmeade."

"Hooray!" Dad exclaimed.

"...You're not going out in public in that outfit."

"I agree," Professor Snape quickly put in.

"I'll change," Dad replied, taking a miniaturized briefcase out of his pocket. "Awaaaaayyyyy!!!" He ran off, his exclamation echoing through the corridors.

"...If we hurry up and leave now, we can lose him," I muttered.

"I doubt it," Professor Snape grumbled. It wasn't long before Dad came running back, in a reasonable set of brown robes.

"Sorry, loves, but I've got to fly." He seemed very excited. "I just got notice of a huge jump forward in my research- it's major progress, and I mean MAJOR!" He then emulated a southern American accent. "My goodness, Mr. Beauregard, I do believe I've got the vapors!" He kissed me on the cheek and shook Snape's hand. "Ta-ta, have a lovely trip to town!" And then he ran off at full speed.

"How did he get a notice from work?" I asked.

"I don't want to know."

"Alright, then. Let's get to Hogsmeade!"

"It's not a Hogsmeade weekend."

"You're a teacher. You can sneak me out. Anyway, let's get going!"

"No."

"Professor. PLEASE. You need exercise. And I need to get away from Colin. Have mercy, for once. You know Colin. He's in your class. I think he's stalking me!" He just glared at me.

"We can get more chocolate."

"Well..."

"And it's Madam Pomfrey's orders."

"You're lying."

"Alright. Let's just go ask her-"

"Fine! I'll go." I rejoiced in my victory as we exited the dungeons.

"So... You're really afraid of Madam Pomfrey, aren't you?"

"Shut it. You don't know that woman the way I do."

"Professor?"

"What now?"

"Are you wearing black Doc Martens?" I just love playing around with him.

"...I thought I told you to shut it." I was practically floating on a cloud, walking down to Hogsmeade with him. I was planning to pretend that it was a date, actually. Just inside my head.

"What do you want to do first, Professor? Maybe we could find a darkened alley to snog in." That tick in his jaw really is cute.

"Twenty points from Ravenclaw."

"How about a trip to the apothecary?"

"...Fine." So, off to the apothecary. I bought some potions ingredients that Professor Snape seemed to want to question, while he bought a number of poisons. Hypocrite. And I just thought it was so sweet that he had a frequent buyer's discount. I don't know, I'm weird like that. Really weird. After that, we walked some more. And I spotted an ice cream shop.

"Professor?"

"What?" he snapped.

"That ice cream shop has low-fat frozen yogurt in ten different flavors. Would you like to try some?"

"No," he muttered sourly.

"Are you sure? It's really good. I eat it all the time."

"How wonderful for you."

"I'm going to get some."

"I'll wait here." I decided to get him some, anyway. Chocolate raspberry swirl, yummy!

"Professoooor," I taunted, waving the frozen yogurt in his face. "Are you sure you don't want any?"

"...Fine. Hand it over."

"What's the magic word?"

"Detention." He snatched it out of my hand.

"That was awfully rude," I sighed as we continued our walk.

"I don't care." And then... Silence. Which I felt the need to break.

"So, have you ever seen a muggle film?" Conversation is always a must.

"A few." He seemed very contented, with that frozen yogurt firmly within his grasp.

"Which ones?"

"Er... Hmm. It's been a while. There was one about... Two people... And they kept meeting... I don't know. I hate muggle things."

"Wait, are you talking about 'When Harry Met Sally?'"

"Yes, that was it."

"I love that movie! And you know, the only man I know who's seen it is my dad."

"Well, it wasn't as if I had a choice. I was on a date."

"Really? I didn't know that you were so socially active, Professor."

"Harumph."

"So, do you date a lot?"

"I hate dating. I'd rather just pay for sex and have it over with." He paused for a moment and glared at me.

"I won't tell anyone. And why do you say that?"

"For men, dating is just a way to have sex. You should remember that. Every time a man is on a date with a woman, all he's thinking about is how to have sex. And when a man is friends with a woman, all he's thinking about is how to have sex. Especially that Creevey character."

"Oh, shut up." Glaring again. "Well. So, you agree with Harry?"

"What?"

"In the movie. You agree that men and women can never be friends, because sex will always get in the way?"

"Yes. Unless one or both parties are gay."

"I don't think so. I mean... Who would really want to have sex with Billy Crystal?" He just snorted. "Anyway, what about me? You don't seem to want to have sex with me."

"Because you are my student. If you were older, and my friend (which you aren't) then I would most likely want to have sex with you."

"Quick, get me a time turner."

"Ten points. And this stuff isn't half bad." He finished off his frozen yogurt and licked his fingers. Oh, sexy.

"Professor, do you realize that we just had a proper conversation?"

"Yes. I'm planning on killing myself once I get back to my office."

"Haha."

"I'm being completely sincere."

"Why are you being so civil to me, anyway?"

"The Headmaster told me to." He suddenly stopped dead in front of a display window and commenced staring/drooling. It didn't take long to figure out what was on the other side: racing brooms. "Sweet Merlin!" And within the blink of an eye, he was gone from sight, the bell over the doorway still ringing in his wake.

"What is it with men and Quidditch?" I wondered aloud. I entered the shop (which smelled like dried sweat, ew) to see Professor Snape haggling with the man behind the counter. After another ten minutes of holding my nose and watching him slowly dwindle down the price under discussion, I actually witnessed him in his happy mode. We exited the shop, and he was practically glowing, clutching a wrapped up racing broom protectively at his side. "So what is that, again?" He gave me a look as if I were an ignorant baboon.

"It's a Silver Arrow 360. The line was discontinued because of the sudden death of the creator, but now they're being manufactured again."

"What, a journal was found or something?"

"Along those lines, yes." He looked as if he was carrying a bundle of gold.

"Love at first sight, then?"

"Ten points. This isn't some sort of... Pair of shoes or something. It's much more important than that."

"...Right. Because we can walk around dirty, polluted streets covered in vagabonds that urinate on themselves barefoot, but we couldn't possibly survive without racing brooms." He looked extremely abashed.

"Don't be so snide. Detention."

"You know, you're cute when you're happy. You should try it more often."

"I don't do cute."

"Yes you do. You just don't know it."

"I-"

"OOH! Fruit!" I stopped at a fruit stand to take a look. "You could use some of this."

"No I couldn't. You look at fruit all you want, I'm going to the booth selling salves."

"That's gross."

"You're gross," I heard him mutter as he stalked away.

"Hey." I looked up, wondering when I'd be able to get some fruit, to see a very cute guy in an apron. I like the home maker look. "Is that your dad over there?" He nodded to Professor Snape.

"Oh, God no," I replied.

"Let me guess. You're his mistress?"

"No, not that either. I'm... I'm his dietician." Well, technically I am.

"I don't see you around an awful lot. Did you just move here or something?"

"I'm not a permanent resident," I replied. It's always best to be vague.

"Oh, that's too bad. Because I... uh... Wanted to ask you if you wanted to, you know, go get some drinks or something sometime." I raised my eyebrows. "I think you're cute. By the way, what's your-"

"Back off." I looked around to see Professor Snape standing menacingly behind me.

"Hey, bud, I was just asking the girl for a drink-"

"Go. NOW." The unidentified delivery boy made a little disgusted noise in the back of his throat and walked off. I smiled at Professor Snape.

"How valiant of you."

"Valiant nothing. I won't have you going off on your little 'dates' while under my supervision. It's insulting."

"Pff. You were jealous."

"I most certainly was not. Ten points."

"Bah."

"I need a drink. Let's go."

"Ohh, sexy man, in charge."

"Be quiet." So, I was quiet. I just trailed behind him and stared at his ass the whole way. "You're too quiet," he finally commented as we reached the Three Broomsticks. "You're scheming, aren't you? You are, I can tell."

"I'm not scheming," I replied.

"Then what are you doing?"

"Checking you out."

"...Let's just sit down."

"Booth!" I called, walking inside before him and sitting in a booth next to the window.

"You're impossible." He sat down across from me.

"Good day," Madam Rosmerta greeted as she hurried up to us. "What'll you have?"

"Liquor, and lots of it," Professor Snape grumbled.

"Don't you dare!" I snapped. "We'll both have water," I informed her. "And if he tries to order anything else, don't give it to him." With a nod, she bustled off.

"I hate you."

"That's not what you were saying earlier." He raised an eyebrow. "You said that under certain circumstances you'd have sex with me, right?"

"I said nothing of the sort. Ten points..." He trailed off as Madam Rosmerta brought back two glasses of water and left again, blatantly checking out her ass. "...Ravenclaw."

"I think you just awarded points, Professor."

"Huh? Right. Sure."

"You really are a jackass."

"Ten points from Ravenclaw!"

"Really, now. We're on a date and you go checking out other women?"

"We are not on a date! I am doing this under pain of being sacked!"

"Sure. That's why you want my body."

"I do not want your body!"

"So you weren't jealous when that delivery boy hit on me?"

"No!"

"It sure seemed like it to me."

"Well you are my student. I can't let you run around having sex with strangers."

"Because that's a real possibility."

"It is actually. I know what you do with that Creevey creature."

"I can't believe you would think that- you're dribbling."

"I noticed."

"We're fighting, you know."

"I noticed that, too."

"Fighting like a couple."

"You're delusional."

"And you are calling me easy." He scowled at me. I scowled at him. "Just because I want your hot bod, it doesn't mean I'm some sort of harlot."

"No comment." He sipped his water and made a face. "This needs some firewhiskey."

"Firewhiskey is off limits," I reminded him. "So are any high-sodium or high-sugar drinks. So there."

"This is horrible."

"It's not so bad."

"Hmph."

"I know the pain of a low sugar diet," I reassured him. "Just take solace in the fact that you can cheat every once in a while. Just not right now."

"Bah. Like you're at risk for a heart attack," he groused.

"Actually, I have glucose intolerance." Silence. "Is there a problem?"

"No. So... Is that... Diabetes... Or what?"

"Oh, no. I just get sick if I eat too much sugar. So, I have to watch it. I am actually more susceptible to diabetes than the average person, but as long as I eat healthy it's not serious at all. And you know, it's connected to irregularity in the menstrual cycle."

"Alright, that's enough."

"I found out about it from my gynecologist."

"I've heard enough, really."

"Professor?"

"What?"

"I feel as though we're bonding. Don't you think so?"

"No."

"I think we could get along, if only you'd open up."

"Not a chance." I sighed.

"I don't see what's wrong with me."

"Perhaps... You're insane?" He gulped down some more water. "And it runs in the family," he added sourly.

"...Is that referring to my father?"

"Yes!"

"Oh no. What did he do now?"

"Miss Page, the only reason I don't slaughter you is your father."

"...Really?" He scowled, taking on that "I've said too much" expression. "Do you know him?"

"Just finish your water."

"You do, don't you?"

"I'm warning you..."

"For how long? Why did I not know this? Are you Jewish?"

"I- excuse me? Did you just ask me if I'm Jewish?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Well... Because it's cut, and I was wondering."

"You... Are... Ten points from Ravenclaw."

"I'm ten points from Ravenclaw? Is that even possible?"

"Shut it."

"Are you Jewish?"

"No!"

"And you know my dad?"

"Yes! Just leave me alone!"

"...What's he really like?" He blinked and tilted his head a bit.

"You don't know?"

"I know he's insane, but... Does he really act like that all the time?"

"No."

"So what's he like?"

"You wouldn't want to know."

"What does that mean?"

"It means you need to be quiet and finish your water."

"Do you write letters to Dad? Do you guys go to the zoo and have slumber parties where you paint each other's toenails and stuff?"

"...What is wrong with you?"

"I'll bet he paints your toenails pink." Silence. "Oh my God. Let me see."

"That's it! This 'exercise' is over! I'm going back!"

"Aww, you're so cute when you're embarrassed."

"I am not cute!"

"Listen, Sev," I sighed, "you just need to accept the fact that I find you attractive."

"...Did you just call me 'Sev?'" I bit my lip.

"Er... No."

"Ten points from Ravenclaw." He reached up and started massaging his forehead. "Tell me, if I'm supposed to be avoiding stress, then why am I spending so much time with you?"

"Because I'm the only person around with the two traits vital to making sure you don't kill yourself." He glared at me, apparently waiting for me to reveal the traits. "First, I know how to keep a healthy diet and exercise regimen, and I know the easiest ways to do so. Second, I'm one of the few people in the surrounding area who genuinely likes you."

"...Well... I don't like you."

"Yes, I've been made quite aware of that."

"Good."

"You're so mean to me. All I've ever done is like you."

"What!? You've embarrassed me, stabbed me, nearly given me a heart attack-"

"I feel really bad about that, honest."

"All of it?"

"No, just the last one."

"You... You..."

"I've been thinking about 'Fraggle Rock' lately. I love that show." What can I say? I have a tendency to blurt.

"...What?"

"I'd like to Fraggle your rock, Professor." Wink, wink.

"You are a lecherous, deeply disturbed little twit."

"I know. Crazy, isn't it?"

"You are crazy."

"Like my dad?" I asked. He snorted and quickly changed the subject.

"I'm going back. I have better things to do than argue about this."

"I think you're hiding something. What don't you want me to know? Did you accidentally kill a stripper and bury her in the desert?"

"...Where do you get these ideas?"

"You know, film, television, books... The usual." Shaking his head, he stood, left a tip, and exited. I followed him, of course. "Professor, please wait. You know this past week I've only had your well-being in mind."

"Of course," he muttered sarcastically. "It's rather plain to see."

"We could stop off at Honeyduke's and get some more dark chocolate, if you like."

"...Alright. But after that, back to the castle."

"For some jogging!"

"No! For a nap!"

"If you need an afternoon nap, then you're not getting enough sleep at night. What did I tell you about sleeping?"

"Listen, you can't-"

"I'll have to report this to Madam Pomfrey."

"Fine. I'll walk. No jogging, though." I grinned.

"You know, Professor, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

"Please. Don't quote muggle films."

You know, I really think I might be growing on the professor. Or, at least, he's being forced to act decently towards me. I wonder if my father is in on it, too? Anyway, I left Professor Snape to his walk and spent the rest of the afternoon doing research in the library. And contemplating Colin's birthday present. His birthday is the twenty-second and I've very little time to prepare. I was thinking... Butt plug. Hmm. Yes!

* ~ March 20 ~ *

Wow, it's been almost three weeks since I wrote anything. Well, there are only two tasks to write about. Not including the continuing love letters, that is. After a while Professor Snape was no longer in need of my nutritional advice, so... I had to give up his sweet loving. Professor Lupin assured me that he and my dad (a crack team of experts, to be sure) had everything under control, but I think it's rather apparent that I'm extremely skeptical. After the first couple of days, it was obvious that I was very anxious. And controlling. So Luna donated a task: decorate Professor Snape's office with articles providing nutrition and fitness advice. Surprise him with it. Of course, I knew exactly who to go to for help.

"Professor Lupin?" It was after class, and I was confident that I could sway Professor Lupin to our side.

"Yes, Nadia?"

"How's Professor Snape doing?"

"Obstinate and contrary, as usual," he replied.

"I've been worried," I confided. "It's not that I doubt your ability, it's just that I have a very controlling nature and I want to be in charge of every detail of every person's life I come across. So, just to help me reassure myself, could you assist me in reminding Professor Snape of the proper steps he needs to take to keep himself in good health?" Professor Lupin raised his eyebrows.

"And what did you have in mind?"

"Well... We could surprise him, by leaving him helpful hints in his office." He suddenly looked rather amused.

"You mean... Redecorate?"

"You might say that."

"Well... I do know someone with access to the office, and I'm fairly sure he'd be willing to help. If it's for the professor's own good, of course."

"Of course," I replied.

"Very well. Shall we start tomorrow?"

"Sure!"

"I'll see you at lunch tomorrow, then." He winked.

"See you then." MWAHAHAHA!!

The next day, I found Professor Lupin waiting outside the Great Hall. "I must say, Nadia, this was a very good idea," he commented as we made our way down to the dungeons. "I'm sure it'll cheer Professor Snape up."

"Yoohoo!" What. The. Hell.

"Dad?" He's popping up everywhere. It's driving me insane!

"I understand we're to undertake a project of great and secretive proportions," Dad said, as I stared at his striped trousers. They're so... Hypnotic. Like a car wreck. Pinstripes in shades of green, brown, and some coppery color. It almost moves in front of your eyes. "Is there something wrong?"

"The trousers," I replied.

"Ah, yes. The trousers." He looked down at himself. "They're not so bad."

"You've had those for twenty years," Professor Lupin replied.

"Why is everyone obsessed with my wardrobe all of a sudden? Is it national fashion month or something?"

"No."

"Alright, then. Let's get to work!" Dad got us into the office no problem. I had to admit, there was a lot of work to be done. Dad set his perpetually present briefcase atop the desk and opened it, taking out... Jars of fruit, preserved in water. I quickly caught on, and placed them randomly on the shelves with the slimy things. Next was a food pyramid poster, placed thoughtfully on the wall space behind the desk. Then a planner made especially for keeping track of what he ate for the day was placed on the desk, along with several self-help books. Dad added a book called "Overcoming Voyeurism," to the top of the pile, and Lupin and I were too amused to protest. By the time we were done, the room was filled with healthy non-perishables, encouraging posters, diet books and cookbooks, and... Well... Let me just say that my dad and I think alike. He pasted Professor Snape's face on a picture of a body-builder, blew it up, and stuck it to the ceiling.

"I think it looks magnificent," I commented.

"I don't think he'll appreciate his new ceiling," Professor Lupin chuckled.

"A voyeur like him?" Dad replied. "Ah, he'll love it." I sniggered.

"Alright, let's vamoose before we're caught red-handed. And thanks for all the help." Later that afternoon, while I was in the library, I could have sworn I heard Professor Snape screaming. But then, it was probably just my imagination. However, just to be safe, I decided not to reveal to him that the new look for his office was spawned from my suggestion.

The second task took place on Monday. Since Professor Snape was doing so well with his healthy lifestyle (I congratulated him several times, only to be glared at) Ginny suggested that I congratulate him officially with a special card. So, putting my excellent drawing skills to use (and by excellent, I mean pathetic) I made a card. On the cover was Professor Snape as a pirate captain on the seven seas, with a red parrot on his shoulder. It looked like an eight-year-old drew it, but... We're not all artists, alright? Then on the inside I wrote:

"Congratulations on your excellent progress, Professor! Keep up the good work." Then I signed my name. "P.S. - How'd you like to walk my plank?" I thought it could use a little pirate reference in there. I then mailed the card through owl post.

When Professor Snape received it, he looked extremely angry. At a few words from Professor Lupin, though, he calmed down substantially. However, while I was leaving the Great Hall, he caught up with me and gave me detention for Saturday. As in, Colin's birthday. At eleven. Oh, well. I'll just have to give Colin my special surprise a little earlier than planned.

* ~ March 23 ~ *

Yesterday was horrible. It was certifiably shitty. The actual day wasn't so bad, because all of us SSS members and Denis celebrated Colin's birthday together. It really all started at night, when I had my alone time with the birthday boy. First, we met in an empty classroom where I gave him a very special gift. He looked just like a kid at Christmas when he was opening it.

"Happy birthday!" Colin raised his eyebrows at his present.

"...Er... What... Is it?"

"It's a butt plug!" His mouth fell open.

"...Why?"

"Just to wear around... You know, to feel pretty."

"Right."

"I have another present for you," I added slyly.

"Er... What?"

"A trip to the prefects' bathroom." He turned red and gulped.

"A-alright." So, I led him to the prefects' bathroom, where I promptly turned over that blasted mermaid portrait and started filling the bath. Colin was looking very excited.

"Oh, don't you look cute? Come here." I pulled him towards me and gave him a big wet one. Then, you know, there was snogging and so on. And then the tub was full. Here was the part where I had to be brave. Strong thoughts. I took my shirt off, and Colin looked ready to cream his pants, he was so anxious. Then... The bra.

Colin blinked, staring down at... you know... me. "Er."

"What?" I looked down. "Lumps? Pimples? Inappropriate hair?"

"No... It's just..." I waited. "...They always seemed... Larger."

"...What?"

"Do you stuff your bra or something?" Needless to say, I got my bra and shirt back on, and Colin got a lovely imprint of my hand on his cheek for his troubles.

And, of course, I had to go to detention before I'd had much of a chance to cool down. Detention with Professor Snape. While I was PMSing. That meant, naturally, mulling over my damaged feelings (and pride) while scrubbing cauldrons quite vigorously and feeling extremely bloated. I wouldn't recommend it. "Miss Page!" I flinched. "What do you think you're doing?" I stared at the cauldron, feeling very emotional.

"Scrubbing cauldrons?" And bad about my body.

"It doesn't look that way to me. Stop being lazy and do some real work for once! I can't have you-" he stopped abruptly, presumably because... I was crying. I can't help it! I get really sensitive when I PMS! "...Are you quite alright?" I turned around, only to find that somewhere in between his bitching and the unexpected concern (*cough*forhisjob*cough*) he had walked right up behind me. He looked really tall, from my piteous position on the floor. I sniffed.

"I'm sorry, Professor." I thought that maybe if I apologized right away he'd just leave me alone. No such luck; he knelt down in front of me, scowling.

"Listen up. If this is some sort of attempt at gaining my pity, you'd better just dry those tears because- oof!" I figured being a messy lump of hormones was a good excuse to throw my arms around him and sob noisily into his robes. So I did. And it scores points for making me look like an actual girl. Albeit one with snot running from her nose. "What are you doing? Get off me!" Insensitive bastards, the whole male species.

"P-P-Professor," I sniffed, "a-are my b-boobs too small?" That stunned some silence into him. Serves him right.

"...What?"

"I'm flat chested!" I wailed. "And I'll never find a decent guy! They're all idiot pricks who only care about breasts and a hole to stick their- their- fuck poles in! And I'm craving stuffed grape leaves but the house elves don't know how to make them!"

"I love stuffed grape leaves."

"That's nice!" I was still crying. "What about spanakopita?"

"Yum- wait- why are you crying? Stop. Don't cry. Bad!"

"I-I c-can't help it! And w-what are you, Tarzan? M-me Tarzan, y-you Jane!" Even when breaking down into tears of pure estrogen, I still manage to criticize at every opportunity.

"Er..." He awkwardly patted my back and... Sort of, not-quite-hugged me. Like that "Please stop being an emotional girl" hug that men give when they're trying to get crying girls to leave them alone. "...There... There... Ahem... TenpointsfromRavenclaw... It'll be alright... I suppose... Arhrmhrmdetentionahem. Calm down." What an ass.

"Professor L-Lupin is so much more understanding," I sniffed. "You're a poopyhead."

"...What? Lupin? That's absurd. You're hysterical with grief... ...Over having small breasts, apparently." I let out a little sob. "I'm very understanding."

"You're a... a... non-understanding person!" I was hysterical with grief over having small breasts, just like Professor Snape said.

"More so than Lupin, certainly."

"Nope. Y-You're a-a-a menstruating unicorn!"

"...I see." I had said the first thing to come to mind. I'm sure he thinks it means something insulting, anyway.

"Professor Lupin is so much better than you!" I sniffed, sounding quite grief-ridden. "And gay!"

"...No. I'm not going to be gay just to make a student feel better about her breast size."

"Are you talking to yourself?"

"Shut up. And get up. Wipe your face off. Go get some damned grape leaves. I have work to do." He pushed me away and stood up, making a disgusted face at the sopping state of his robes.

"...You're only being mean to me because I have small breasts." He blinked. "If I were a D cup you'd be so much nicer to me!"

"Only if you also happened to be a completely different person," he muttered, pulling out a handkerchief and trying to wipe the mess off his robes. "And why are you still sitting there?" he snapped irritably. "Go cry to someone who cares." I stared. He'd actually led me to believe that he was going to be nice to me, for once. For him, at least. I thought he was going to... Well, not hurt my feelings, that's for sure!

"Fine. I'll go talk to someone who really has a heart and isn't going to end up old and alone, never to have a single ray of happiness permeate the murky depths of his bitter life, ever." I stood up and wiped my face with my sleeve, gathering my things in silence. I could feel him staring at me.

"...I'm not going to end up alone," I heard him murmur angrily as I headed out.

"Please. Get a clue." I slammed the door. Hah, put that in your pipe and smoke it, Professor! Of course, I just had to walk through the halls in the middle of an emotional breakdown afterwards. It's just lucky that Professor Lupin intercepted me before I could run into Filch and get anally raped by his cat or something.

"Nadia? Oh, my... What's the matter?"

"I have tiny boobs and everyone hates me," I grumbled.

"...Come on, I'll fix you some tea." I thought he'd take me to his office, but apparently crying and sniffling constitutes a visit to his private quarters. Where he sat me down at the little table in the kitchen area, draped a blanket around my shoulders, and gave me tea.

"Thanks, Professor," I sighed, gulping down my tea.

"Nadia... I've never been with a woman before. I want you to teach me." He then kissed me passionately and carried me into the bedroom.

Actually, that part didn't really happen. But I can dream. "Would you like to talk about what happened?" He sat down next to me, lending an attentive ear.

"Colin was mean to me, and so was Professor Snape."

"Before or after you started crying?"

"Colin before, Professor Snape after." He nodded.

"I see. Come here." Aww, a cuddly gay man hug! So much better than mean, nasty, sexy Professor Snape's "I hate you and this had better make you go away" hug. I then recounted the tale of how Colin said my boobs were less than satisfactory (and apparently that's all that matters in a relationship) and Professor Snape was mean to me even though I was crying and you're supposed to be nice to very distressed young women such as myself.

"He's a fuck muscle," I concluded.

"That's not very appropriate." He smelled like my dad. It was rather comforting, actually.

"Yet it holds so much truth."

"He was only acting out because you were crying, and he... Is less than properly equipped to deal with strong outbursts of emotion." In other words, he's a fuck muscle.

"Professor, you're so nice to me. I wish I could repay you." He patted my back reassuringly.

"There's no need."

"I could teach you how to please a woman." He very gently guided me back to my seat and pulled his chair around to the other side of the table. "I was kidding."

"...Right. Yes. Well... Ahem." He poured himself some tea. "Do you feel any better, now that you've vented?"

"A little. I could use some stuffed grape leaves, though."

"Alright." To my astonishment, he retrieved some grape leaves from his ice box, and placed them in front of me. "Have as many as you like."

"Where did you get these?"

"A clergyman sent them to me a couple of days ago," he replied, settling back into his seat. "I lived with him for a bit, a while ago."

"Oh, you seduced a priest, huh? You blasphemous vixen, you!" He blushed and choked slightly on his tea.

"No, no! Nothing happened between us, really!"

"...Weirdo." I ate a great many of them. They were, surprisingly, just as good as my mother's stuffed grape leaves.

"Would you like to talk some more?"

"Sure." I had calmed down substantially, and was no longer crying like a little schoolgirl. "Is Professor Snape, by any chance, capable of feeling some sort positive emotion?"

"Not in my presence, I'm afraid."

"Shucks. That's too bad."

"In fact, the only people I've ever seen him be halfway decent to are Albus and..." He trailed off, looking as if he'd just caught himself from letting a secret slip. "...Never mind."

"Who?"

"It's not my place to say."

"Tell me!" I wanted to know. Maybe... Could it be?

"I can't." He sipped his tea. "It's... Not important."

"Is it a woman?" I asked dubiously.

"No." Phew.

"Professor Snape's gay?" Just in case.

"I wish." I stared. "Just kidding."

"Tell me who. I want to know." He shook his head. "Who is it?"

"I can't."

"Tell me. Please? Please, please, please, please?"

"Your father."

"Haha. Really, though, who is it?" He only shrugged. "...Is it really my dad?" He sighed. "It is. Are you sure? My dad?"

"Yes." Professor Snape had always seemed to dislike my father. That's awfully strange.

"..."

"He's a very nice person. I'm not surprised that-"

"YOU SEDUCED MY FATHER, DIDN'T YOU!?" He again choked, this time apparently on his own saliva, he was so surprised.

"What?"

"YOU'VE BROKEN UP MY FAMILY! I'M GOING TO LIVE IN A BROKEN HOME!!"

"I- I didn't do anything! Nadia, I- I know that you may think- I mean- just because one person is attracted to another- that is to say-"

"Nah, I'm just kidding." I needed a laugh after such a rough night. Besides, the fact that Professor Lupin had smelled sort of like Dad had given me the idea. "Oh, and that was far too much information, by the way." I heard the word attracted in there...

"Oh." Professor Lupin was going quite red. "I- er- I suppose that... It was... Ahem. You know, that little prank of yours was out of line-"

"Are you using me to get closer to my dad?"

"Excuse me?" This time I meant it; something had just... clicked. "Is this another joke?"

"...Not quite." He'd said attracted.

"I would never do something so unconscionable." I didn't believe him.

"...If you say so." It made perfect sense, now. Though, I don't see why Professor Lupin would even hope to have a chance, chasing after a married, straight man. Albeit a very strange and unpredictable one. Though, maybe it was something along the lines of what I'm doing to Professor Snape.

"You don't believe me?"

"Well... No, not particularly."

"...I suppose I really am a bad liar, then." He sipped his tea.

"You're gross."

"...You never seemed to have a problem with it before."

"But it's my dad!" I wailed piteously. "Why does everyone want to boff him!?"

"Erm... He's sexy?"

"AUGH!" Charlie Brown impression. "And since when is it okay for teachers to tell their students that their parental figures are sexy!?"

"I thought we had a special bond going," he replied calmly, refilling his teacup. "Don't you agree?" I thought for a moment.

"Yes, but isn't it based on the fact that you apparently want to make mad passionate love to my married, deeply in love with my mother, father? I mean, isn't that sort of... Shallow and fake?" He grimaced a bit at the "deeply in love with my mother" part.

"I... Well, I've come to regard you as a strange, young, horny, delusional friend. As unlikely as that sounds."

"Hold it- delusional?" He shrugged.

"It seemed pretty on to me."

"...Yeah, I guess that's a good word for it." I found myself bestowed once again with the ability to smile. "Thanks for cheering me up, Professor."

"It was no trouble at all."

"Oh, and if you simply must pull a Ginny on me and lust after my father... Could you please just... Not get me involved? At all?"

"Of course."

"Hey, sexy, how's- what are you doing here?" Draco was standing in the doorway to the bedroom, looking bitchy.

"I'm depressed because my boyfriend's a jerk and I have small boobs," I replied. "Grape leaf?"

"Those things are gross."

"BLASPHEMY!"

"Right." Draco sauntered up to the table and looked directly at my chest. "What is your bra size, anyway?"

"Thirty-four A." He gave my breasts a very scrutinizing look.

"They're not so small. Just right, I think. If they're too big, then they're all floppy and flabby. Yours are very perky."

"Thanks, Draco."

"Don't mention it, bike dyke."

"Tea?" Professor Lupin offered as Draco sat down. He let out an exasperated sigh.

"What is it with you and tea? Don't you ever drink anything else?"

"I like milk." Draco just glared at him.

"Someone's in a bad mood," I commented.

"That's because I was planning on getting some today, but you've ruined it. You always ruin my sexy moods!"

"...Your 'sexy moods?'" He crossed his arms and pouted.

"Shut up."

"Draco." Professor Lupin was suddenly looking rather pensive, and slightly mischievous. "What do you think of Nathanyel Page?" Draco grinned.

"I'd jump his bones any time." Oh, gross.

"You're disgusting." Draco rolled his eyes.

"Oh, come on. Just face it- you have a sexy father. It's something I've had to live with, you know." I stared at him.

"Did you just call your father sexy?"

"Yes." He shrugged. "He's dead, anyway. There's no use in denying it. We have sexy fathers. It runs in the family." Alright, now I know Draco's off his rocker.

"...What family?"

"Our family. You know, the Malfoys."

"I don't think she did know," Lupin informed him.

"Oh. Well. Congratulations, you've got a second cousin once removed." His sipped his tea as I just stared at him. "I was talking about myself, by the way."

"I know." I kept staring at him. "That's impossible."

"You mean you've never noticed?" He raised his eyebrows. "You have the Malfoy chin."

"I have my father's chin," I corrected him.

"Yes, and your father has the Malfoy chin. His mother was Viole Malfoy, sister of Vitus Malfoy. And Vitus Malfoy just happens to be my grandfather." I stared at him some more.

"We're cousins?"

"Distantly, yes."

"...Eww. You just said you'd do my dad!"

"I know." He finished off his tea. "Can you imagine? He and my father were cousins. It's a small world after all, I suppose."

"Alright. This is something I could have lived the rest of my life without knowing."

"Aren't you flattered to be related to me?" Draco seemed a bit hurt.

"No. But... I suppose it makes sense. That explains why you have the same birth mark as Dad. Though I'd really rather not recount how I came to know that."

"Nor would I."

"I won't ask, then," Professor Lupin replied.

"...I'm really tired." Which I was. "I think I'll just go to bed, now. Thanks for everything, Professor. And thanks, Draco... You're a girl."

"I am not a girl!"

"Alright, goodnight." Off I went to bed. I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow, and it was long, wonderful, and dreamless. When I woke up today, though, I got to thinking... About how I want to kill Colin. Maybe I can get my dad to do it. But more than that, I was thinking of what Professor Lupin had said about Professor Snape. That he's not used to emotional outbursts. I can understand that. Maybe he was also angry because I'd said Professor Lupin was better than him. Seeing as he seems to hate Lupin, that's understandable. After much consideration, I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to apologize. Goodness, how painful.

Upon getting up, I realized that it was half past one. Which meant that I'd missed both breakfast and lunch, but I know where the kitchens are, so no big deal. Anyway, I decided to go see if Professor Snape was in his office right away, and so started on my way down. However, there was a small delay.

"Nadia!" Colin dies. "Nadia!" I ignored him, as is proper. "I'm sorry!" No he isn't. "I'M SORRY!" With an exasperated sigh, I turned around and glared at him.

"If you're so fucking sorry, then why don't you write an apology and stuff it in my bra!?" I left him there with his mouth hanging open. Stupid fish boy.

Alright, blew off Colin. Next step: apologize to Professor Snape. I found him in his office, and did my best to look innocent and pathetic. "Professor?"

"I'm busy," he snapped. I thought that getting straight to the point would be the best option at the moment.

"Professor, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I know my comparison of you to Professor Lupin hurt your feelings, and I shouldn't have said anything. The truth is..." I love you. "I like you better, anyway." He glared at me.

"Go away."

"...What are you doing?"

"Reading mail. Now get out of here."

"I could help."

"No."

"Alright." I turned and started to go.

"Miss Page." I suppressed my excitement at the fact that he was calling me back as I turned back around. "...Apology accepted."

"Sir, I-"

"Didn't I tell you to go?"

"Alright, I'm going." I paused at the door, though. "Professor, I just wanted to say that... I don't just like you for your delicious body. I think you're a really good person. When you're not being an asshole, that is." Then I scampered away. After that, I grabbed some grub from the kitchens, studied in my dorm all day, and did my best to avoid all human life forms. I was still a little sore about last night.

Then came the crappy part of today. I was starting to worry about Professor Snape's diet and exercise, being the paranoid idiot that I am, and so resolved to pop into his office again to check on him. After an uneventful walk, I found his office not only unlocked, but deserted. With a pensieve out in plain sight. I suddenly found myself, for some odd reason, standing in front of it. There was something going on inside there. And I wanted to know what it was. But I knew it would be a horrible invasion of privacy and the worst thing I could possibly do after getting on Professor Snape's nerves so much... But... It was there. Taunting me. Tempting me. Giving me a belly dance.

I'm really not the type to look into pensieves. Honestly. But, as a compulsive eavesdropper, I just couldn't help myself.

"What the fuck is this!?" That was teen version of Professor Snape talking to... Teen version of Dad. It looked like they were in a Slytherin dormitory, potions ingredients and old books scattered about on the floor.

"It's an order for dragon tongue flakes and salamander's flame."

"That combination is fatal, you know!"

"Yes, I do. Thanks." Dad shuffled through a thick ledger, sucking on the tip of his quill. "And you're not meeting your weekly quota, Sev. You'd better pick up the pace, or we'll start losing profits."

"Excuse me!?" Some things never change. "I have N.E.W.T.s to study for!"

"Your point?" Snape growled angrily. "Come on, you know you could get full marks no problem. You can't just peter out like this! We're in debt!"

"WHAT!?" Snape lunged at him and grabbed him by the collar. "What do you mean in debt!?"

"I mean IN DEBT! Remember the loans from Lucius? The cut we owe Olivia?" He mouthed wordlessly at Dad, going red. "And losing our best customer is not going to help us out at all-"

"Wait- Lupin? What do you mean? Don't tell me he's getting clean?" ...Suddenly this didn't seem like a very good memory to be looking in on.

"Have you seen him, Sev?" Dad asked incredulously, dropping his quill.

"He's a werewolf. He can handle a little abuse."

"He collapsed at breakfast!"

"That was funny, wasn't it?"

"NO!" Dad sighed. "But you know- I can't just keep giving him that stuff. It'll kill him."

"You never seemed concerned about that before. And it's not like we're giving it away- he pays." Dad glared at him. "And you can't just refuse to sell to him."

"That's true. Which is why you're going to water down the next batch." Snape blinked.

"What? Water it down? I can't just butcher my work like that!"

"Do it! I will not argue about this!" He picked up his quill again and scribbled something in the ledger.

"You can't just ween the mangy wolf off it. He'll go into withdrawal."

"So he'll go to the hospital wing."

"You shouldn't be so nice to him," Snape grumbled. "He'll start- you know."

"No, I don't know."

"You know he's a poof. He'll... Well, you know! It's bad enough that he's practically panting every time you walk in the room-"

"That's not true. You're just imagining it." That was a rather disturbing thing to hear. It sounded like Professor Lupin had wanted my dad in bed for some time. "Anyway, I'll need some more angel dust for the Ravenclaws by Tuesday."

"Only if you check on the marijuana plants in the greenhouse for me."

"Alright, but you have to dry it out."

"Fine."

"MISS PAGE!!!" I jumped at the roar, flushing with guilt as Professor Snape prowled towards me. "WHAT ARE YOU-"

"Ooh, does Sexy Sevvie have the hots for Ickle Livvy?" floated up from the pensieve. Professor Snape turned even more red.

"Er... Sir... You were a drug dealer?" Now purple. "...With my dad?" Now... greenish grey, I'd say. "And Professor Lupin was a junkie?" That was the hardest part to believe. "With the hots for my dad?" And that part was pretty easy to believe. Though gross.

"You- will- never- speak of this- to anyone- ever- GO!" I started to go, but then I stopped.

"I... I think I have a right to know about-"

"GET OUT!! NOW!!!" I jumped a bit, then ran out. After that, it was back to the dorm for me, to think. And... Dad. Sold drugs. In school. This school. I... Well, I'd never thought he would do anything so... Bad. So, I vented my feelings in a thoughtfully angry letter to Dad. Then I sent it. We'll just see.

* ~ March 29 ~ *

Dad replied to my letter. And basically suggested that he would never discuss the matter with me, ever by making it clear that he had received my letter, while at the same time conveniently omitting anything I'd mentioned or asked. That left two sources: Professor Snape and Professor Lupin. Naturally, I asked the most reliable source: Snape.

I hadn't gotten any tasks (since I'm still angry at Colin and on thin ice with Snape) so... I had to find Professor Snape in his office after classes. How fortunate for me that he was in an extremely sour mood. "Professor Snape, I need to talk to you."

"Leave this office now, or I will report you to the Headmaster." Bluff. I entered the room and closed the door a bit more loudly than necessary. It was time to assert myself.

"I'm not leaving this fucking office." Perhaps the language was a bit strong.

"What did you just say to me?" he asked in his quietly menacing voice, slamming his quill down on his desk.

"I have some questions I need answered. So you'll answer them."

"...Or?"

"Or it's time to become a vegetarian." I crossed my arms, glaring.

"I don't believe you," he finally answered.

"Oh? Would you like to raise the stakes to vegan?" He returned my glare. There was a long, tense silence. Finally, he spoke.

"...If I tell you everything you want to know about your father, you have to leave me alone for good." It was time to haggle.

"A week."

"Six months."

"A week and a half."

"Three months."

"A week and three quarters."

"Two months."

"Two weeks."

"Six weeks."

"Three weeks."

"Five weeks."

"A month, and no longer!" He glared at me.

"Fine," he sighed, shaking my hand. "A month." Damn, I drive a hard bargain.

"Tell me about the drugs."

"Oh, no." He leaned forward and put his head in his hands.

"I want to know. You shook on it!"

"You should be asking your father."

"He won't answer my questions." Professor Snape ran his finger over his lips, staring at his desk, then let out a long sigh.

"Alright. Fine. It was... Well, we had... A business. Er... More like a monopoly, really."

"Drug lords?"

"You might say that."

"Why did you do it with Dad? Whose idea was it?" He looked as if he was in pain.

"We were friends. He convinced me to help him with... A project. Painkillers for Lupin. Eventually... There was more demand. So we supplied."

"And you didn't get caught?"

"No. People knew... They just... Didn't do anything about it. We stopped after I left school, anyway." He looked very uncomfortable with the subject.

"Why didn't anyone do anything?" I asked. I had a feeling that there was a little something more to it.

"People... They were afraid of him."

"You mean... My dad?" He nodded. "Why?"

"I shouldn't tell you. I've said enough already."

"Tell me, or the deal's off."

"...Well... Nathanyel is a complicated person. People didn't much like him, they teased him, tormented him... Sometimes people ended up transferring out."

"Oh?"

"In a coffin."

"I... I... What!?"

"You asked!" he replied angrily. "You wanted to know! You just needed to stick your nose in!"

"But- but why?"

"They were all accidents! And don't ask me how." I stared at him. "I don't know what happened. He was only thirteen, anyway. He said he blacked out, and when he woke up... Well, I'm sure you can guess."

"...So. My father was a drug dealer and a murderer." I was starting to develop a tick. "Anything else to add to the list?"

"Embezzler, con-man, thief. The usual." There was definitely a tick in my cheek. "He's made himself into a very rich man."

"What, by stealing?"

"Basically. He's a real Renaissance man, you see. He embezzles from the Ministry of Magic, dabbles in investments, and is a very large fan of fine print. He doesn't want publicity, so rather than keeping all his money in one large account, he has many smaller joint-accounts. Of course, he makes a much larger profit than the other account-holder. There must be hundreds of Gringotts vaults with his name on them. And of course, there's his inheritance that he was never supposed to get. All he had to do was pull the right strings, find the right loopholes, and all that's left is to get you married off and the money's all his." He looked as if he was enjoying telling me all this. "I suppose that's why he's so supportive of your so-called 'love life.'"

"This is beyond comprehension."

"I know. Crazy, isn't it?" He grinned rather unpleasantly.

"...You're mocking me."

"Indeed I am."

"I JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY FATHER HAS NO CONSCIENCE AND YOU'RE MOCKING ME!?!?"

"That seems about right." He was enjoying it! He was actually enjoying it!

"Alright," I answered through clenched teeth. "Then answer this. What does my father love more: his 'work,' or his family?" I thought that should ruin his mood. I know my dad's a family man, above all else. There's no way I'm wrong about that.

"Hmph. Fine. He loves you more than anything, all that other sentimental crap, alright?" He seemed rather sour about that. Sadist. "Get out of my sight."

"You know, you've been crueler than usual, lately. What's your problem?"

"I have no problem!! Get out!!"

"I just wanted to know! You have some serious intimacy issues, you know that? You need a psychologist! Either that, or to get laid."

"We have a deal! Now, go!" So, I went. Hmph. Fine. He can go... Fuck a donkey, for all I care. And so can my dad. He's worse than... Than... Lucius Malfoy!

...Alright, not that bad. Still, though... Why is everyone being so... So stupid? I'm so traumatized, now. And I feel like such an idiot. I should have seen all of this coming. I'll just have to... Nap on it. Naps solve everything. Naps and comfort food and sensitive gay guys who give good advice. But naps are always first.