The Seduction of Severus Snape

Chapter 10: Bleeding Heart

* ~ February 1 ~ *

It's the first of February and Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. This means two things: first, that I need to pull of a fabulous Valentine's Day task; second, that Colin is going to get a beating. I can tell that he's planning something, but what, I don't know. Whenever I ask Ginny she just giggles and says, "You'll see!" which is definitely a bad sign. If he knows what's good for him, this so called "surprise" will take place in a very private spot. That way no one will hear him scream.

So, nothing big happened on the SSS front. Just some more love letters. We thought it best to let Professor Snape calm down a bit before carrying out another task. However, Colin just couldn't keep his big mouth shut. We were just sitting in the library, studying, and he had to bring up that singing task. "You need to sing to Professor Snape," he informed me. "Have you thought of a song?" I rolled my eyes.

"Like I spend all my time thinking of songs to sing to Professor Snape," I grumbled.

"Good, because I've got one." I blinked.

"Do tell," Ginny prompted.

"That song from 'Beaches!' You know... You are the wind beneath my wings." We all stared at him for a long time.

"...You like 'Beaches?'" I finally asked.

"...That's not important! what's important is that you sing the song in potions today." I rolled my eyes and let out a long-suffering sigh.

"Fine. I'll sing your favorite song, from your favorite movie."

"It's not my favorite song!" I waited for him to add movie. He didn't.

"Alright, alright. I'll sing it." Everyone cheered. But not really.

"Oh, and start crying noisily when he gives you a detention!" Ginny added.

"Why?"

"Because he hates you!"

"Okay, I'll cry, too." So, I decided to take on the task. The very difficult task, because I can't sing for my life.

I really didn't want to interrupt the lesson too much, since it was a rather interesting topic. Poisons, yum. And Professor Snape looked so sexy, pacing up and down the room as he gave his customary lecture. So, I just raised my hand. "Yes, Miss Page?" he asked dangerously, approaching me. That was when I jumped up and burst out:

"Did you ever know that you're my herooooo!?" He blinked, taking a step back. "You're everything I'd like to beee!" And another. "I can fly higher than an eeeaaagle!!" He looked as if he was reaching for his wand. "Because... You are the wind beneath my wiiings!!" With that, I sat down and resumed taking notes, readying myself for a good cry. His reaction was pretty predictable.

"Detention!" he snapped, going back to his lecture. And then I let my crocodile tears come bursting out. He looked rather put off by the wretched display.

"Y-You h-hate me!" I wept. "You w-want me to die!" I wailed. "Oh, P-Professor! Don't you know I-I'm nothing w-without you!?"

"Twenty points from Ravenclaw! You are dismissed from this classroom!" Apparently, he doesn't. So, I got up and threw myself out the door, wailing piteously. I think that went well.

I told Ginny and Colin about it, and they seemed fairly disappointed that I didn't give him a conniption fit with the song. And, of course, started scheming.

"I've got it!" Ginny exclaimed immediately. "Mother him!" I stared at her.

"Mother him?" I repeated.

"Yes. Bring him a lunch and a fresh change of underwear, things like that." I giggled.

"Oh, that's a good idea."

"Do it tomorrow," Luna insisted. "In the Great Hall." I agreed.

"Alright, Colin," I said firmly, "for this next task we need a pair of your brother's underwear." He raised his eyebrows. "The Spider-man ones," I specified. With a defeated sigh, he slumped off to fetch them. What a good servant boy- I mean, boyfriend.

* ~ February 2 ~ *

It was marvelous. I went down to the Great Hall early, waiting for Professor Snape to come. Luna accompanied me, carving faces into her pancakes, while Ginny and Colin made encouraging gestures from the Gryffindor table. Finally, when the Great Hall was about halfway full, he came prowling in.

"Sir! Sir!" I approached him and held up my old "Teen Wolf" lunch box, in which was stored a thermos of ice cold milk, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a large apple. "I packed you a lunch for the day!" I shoved the box into his hands and began chattering away, leaving him no time to speak. "Don't eat too fast, or you'll get a stomach ache, and the milk is very cold, be careful it doesn't hurt your teeth." I reached out and brushed off his robes. "These things are filthy! After you get back from your lessons, I expect you to take a nice long bath, and I'll wash your robes for you and leave out your jammies for beddy-time, alright, shnookums?" His mouth fell open. "Oh, and I almost forgot!" I reached into my bag and pulled out a pair of Spider-man print childrens' briefs, shoving them into his arms. "Here's a fresh change of undies. Remember, you always need clean undies! Oh, look at the time, I've really got to get going. Have a good day at school, sweetie!" With that, I planted a firm kiss on his cheek and ran off. Uproarious laughter followed me. Along with Professor Snape's agitated shouting. And I thought I caught a glimpse of Madam Pomfrey giving him a dirty look.

It was a good thing I had Defense Against the Dark Arts first thing today, because I was able to take refuge in Professor Lupin's classroom. After he was done snogging Draco on the desk, of course. "Hide me!" I dove under the desk, the two lovebirds barely noticing me. I knew Professor Snape had come after me, and when he arrived, I could only thank myself for my amazing match making skills.

"AUGH!" Then the door slammed. I peeked out to make sure that Professor Snape had indeed retreated at the sight of Lupin and Draco in an intimate moment, then crawled out and chose my seat for the day.

"Thanks, that was a close one," I sighed. Apparently, the two of them had finally noticed the world around them, and were straightening themselves out.

"I'm not quite clear on what just happened," Professor Lupin informed me, "but you're welcome... I suppose." However, Draco wasn't so forgiving of my intrusion.

"You ruined our snog!" he whined. "Do you know how much of a turn-off your presence is!?"

"I've been told a few things," I replied casually, unpacking my bag. "And since when are you so high and mighty, Mr. Clean?"

"I've always been high and mighty," he sniffed. "I'm a Malfoy."

"Oh, break out the red carpet."

"I don't appreciate your sarcasm." I would have made further derogatory remarks, but Professor Lupin interrupted us by clearing his throat rather loudly.

"If you don't mind my asking," he directed towards me, "why was Severus chasing you?" I rolled my eyes.

"He was just overreacting." He waited for me to spill the details. "I packed him a lunch and gave him a fresh pair of undies. It's not my fault he's so easily embarrassed."

"'Fresh pair of undies?'" Draco quoted. "Merlin, you're such a hag."

"Make that fag hag," I corrected. "And it was Spider-man underwear." I got blank looks on that one. "Spider-man is a superhero. It was little kiddie underwear." They both snorted with inappropriate laughter. Though not as inappropriate as when I laugh during my check-ups at the gynecologist.

...Anyway...

"I should be getting on to work, anyway," Draco sighed. "Toodles." He slapped Professor Lupin on the butt and strolled out.

"...So..." I thought it would be best to make conversation. "...On the desk, eh? Kinky!" Well, I can't keep my mind out of the gutter.

"Yes, I suppose so." Apparently, Professor Lupin is finally getting used to my extremely sexual remarks.

"You know you love it." I actually got a grin out of him! Imagine that. No embarrassment. So, class was alright. The usual. Luckily, Professor Snape was unable to track me down and beat me with the lunch box; that was good. And I also got to tie Colin up and pinch his nipples, which is always an enjoyable pastime. Anyway, there's homework to be done, and I'm not about to let my grades drop.

* ~ February 8 ~ *

Oi. My back is killing me. Anyway... I had a task or two to fulfill this past week. After Professor Snape had calmed down (and returned my lunchbox, the packed lunch eaten) the SSS decided to kick it up a notch and add another task. "Come into the Great Hall late for dinner, and hold up a bottle of sexual lubricant, telling Snape that he dropped it." Which came from Luna.

"Where am I going to get sexual lubricant?" I asked, exasperated. Everyone just glared at me until I gave in. "Fine, I may just happen to have some lying about, just in case. But you owe me a new bottle!" Colin seemed very pleased, for some reason.

It was a very boring day. Let's see... There was double Herbology, with yet another new teacher, then lunch, during which I fetched my KY warming lubricant, then History of Magic. After that, I met Colin in the library and we played Dominatrix Librarian, and put some of that lubricant to good use. (Let's just say it involved putting things in a certain party's rear end, and that the rear end involved did not belong to me.)

Then it was time for dinner. I was late, as planned (I needed to get cleaned up, anyway. Dominatrix Librarian is a very messy game.) I knew I had to give a convincing act. So, with the "lotion" firmly in hand, I burst heroically through the doors to the Great Hall.

"Professor!" I cried, jogging up to the high table. "You dropped this!" I held up the bottle of KY warming lubricant, basking in the warm glow his increasingly red face was radiating. I then placed it on the table in front of him, gave him a winning smile, and took a seat at the Ravenclaw table. It wasn't long before he had prowled over to me and dragged me to my feet.

"What is the meaning of this!?" he hissed, obviously embarrassed.

"I thought you would know, Professor!" I exclaimed loudly. "Don't you need it to play Dominatrix Librarian?" Without another word, he stormed out of the room. "Hm. Oh well." Dinner was nice. Though I could already tell that Colin was getting jealous. Again. And sure enough, not five minutes after I'd left, he caught up with me.

"How could you, Nadia? Dominatrix Librarian is our game!" I rolled my eyes.

"Colin, don't be such a menopausal wimp."

"I'm not a menopausal wimp! Honestly, sometimes I think you treat Snape better than you treat me!"

"Listen, you come back and discuss this with me once your cycle's through. Alright?"

"Jesus, can't you stop being such a bitch?"

"Now, Colin. Don't go dragging Jesus into this."

"I'm serious!" With a frustrated sigh, I stopped walking for a moment so as to better make my point.

"Colin. Let's just think about this for a moment. You are jealous of Professor Snape. Just... Let that sit with you for a bit." He stared back a me, blinking.

"...I'm not jealous of Snape," he finally grumbled, crossing his arms.

"You are." I offered him a kiss as a peace offering. "So stop it."

"Hmph."

"You know, you're really cute when you're sullen." I could see that he was intrigued. "Let's go play." Heheh.

It was two days before Ginny came up with another task. "Make a list of kinky things you would do to Snape and make sure he finds it."

"Can do!" Except, I didn't really do it. I didn't feel like it! It took me until yesterday to get the task done, really. And that was mostly because yesterday was potions class.

I was bored - really bored. So, to amuse myself, I decided to finally get the task done. I took out a piece of paper and wrote down all the naughty things I would like to do to the dear Professor. Of course, I probably should have paid more attention to my surroundings, but he was supposed to see the list eventually, anyway...

Professor Snape, having been roaming the aisles to check the progress of the students, snatched the paper away from me, sneering. "What have we here?" he asked quietly, eyes glittering. "A love note to Mr. Creevey?"

"Er... Not quite..."

"Perhaps the rest of the class would like to hear it?" Oh, this was too good.

"...If you insist," I sighed, watching him skim over the paper. His eyes went round and his cheeks suddenly had a whole lot of color in them.

"On second thought, I think not."

"I had a feeling."

"Thirty points from Ravenclaw. I'm contacting your parents about this." I blinked.

"And that's a threat?" Pursing his lips, he whirled around and made his way back to his desk, from which he continued the lesson. For the rest of the class, whenever he looked at me I leaned my head on my hands, sighed longingly, and made goofy faces. Just for fun. And oh, how fun it was.

After classes, I met Luna and Ginny in the courtyard, where we proceeded to scheme about the task I would perform for Valentine's Day. Meanwhile, Colin was apparently making plans of his own. I'll kill him. It didn't take long for a few possible tasks to come up. "You could ask him to be your Valentine," Ginny suggested.

"Or force him," Luna added.

"And then I could act all possessive and jealous, like Colin," I mused. "Only more aggressive."

"Yes!" Ginny agreed. "And really act like he's your Valentine. Slip him little love notes all day, shower him with candied gifts, mouth 'I love you' at him. Things like that."

"Alright, alright," I sighed.

"And invite him to the Astronomy Tower," Luna added.

"Oh, yes!" Ginny cried. "That's perfect!"

"What's perfect?" That would be Colin approaching, and being very out on the loop.

"Don't tell him anything," she hissed to me.

"The next task," I said, trying to think of a way to break it to Colin that I was going to be Snape's Valentine without him getting jealous. And failing. "Ummm... Let's go try out that edible body paint!" So, I dragged off a very happy looking Colin. Damn, I love submissive men.

* ~ February 14 ~ *

Today was a blast. I spent the past few days preparing for this momentous task. I wrote a love letter from the secret admirer, for starters. I had Valentines up the wazoo, candy, little singing teddy bears, edible underwear, penis jewelry- the works. I was clean, dressed, and looking good (for me.) All I had to do was say those three magic words: Be my Valentine. I was getting myself ready on the way down to breakfast when I remembered that Colin had a surprise for me. Oh no. Well, that would have to wait for later.

Entering the Great Hall, I didn't even break my stride. I marched right up to the high table and positioned myself in front of Professor Snape, hands on my hips. Slowly, he looked up from today's copy of the Daily Prophet and grimaced. I took that as my cue and fished out a Valentine from my bag that happened to be in the shape of a heart with a knife through it. And when I say heart, I mean an actual human heart. I thought he would appreciate it. "Be my Valentine!" I pronounced loudly, slapping the stabbed heart on the table in front of him. A strange hush came over the room, and the only audible sound was that of Professor Lupin choking on his pumpkin juice.

Without a word, Professor Snape jerkily stood up and headed for the exit. I, of course, being the devoted Valentine that I am, followed him. "Get away from me," he hissed when he noticed I was on his tail.

"Never. You will be my Valentine." With a growl, he whirled around, apparently fixing to give me a beating, when he noticed that everyone was staring at him. And froze. Aww, stage fright. So, I turned around and glared at all the staring people. "What the hell are you staring at!?" I shot at them. "I know what you're thinking! Don't any of you sex starved maniacs touch him! He's my man, you hear me!?" And then, the perfect touch, I reached back and grabbed his crotch. "This is my property!" The entire school was staring at me incredulously, except for Dumbledore, of course. He was too busy polishing his spectacles to notice. "Come on, bitch," I growled, grabbing Snape by the belt. "You need a proper spanking." And then I practically dragged him out of the room, hoping he'd be shocked long enough for me to get a good grope in. He was.

"Let go of me!" he insisted, suddenly getting his wits back, probably when he realized that I was planning to drag him up to my dorm.

"You're my Valentine," I informed him. "I'm not taking no for an answer. Now, accept this token of affection-" I handed him a penis ring- "and meet me in the Astronomy Tower at midnight."

"What!? How dare you-"

"SILENCE!! I COMMAND YOU!!" Then, with a dramatic hand gesture, I was off. I managed to run into Colin on my way back to the Great Hall, and for some reason he seemed a bit upset.

"I thought I was going to be your Valentine!" he proclaimed.

"And why would you think a thing like that?" I asked, doing my best impression of a very bewildered young woman.

"Because we're dating!" I blinked.

"Oh. Imagine that. I hadn't really noticed."

"Nadia- stop it! Listen, will you meet me in the Astronomy Tower tonight? Half past eleven?" I let out a long-suffering sigh.

"If you insist." At which he gave me a dirty look. "Oh, you know I'm just kidding. Anyway, I'm going to grab a quick breakfast. I'll see you in class." I gave him a kiss and a quick pat on the bum before hurrying away.

After breakfast, I was on my way to Arithmancy when I spotted Professor Snape walking down the corridor in the opposite direction. We were passing each other when, growling, his eyes slid towards me. That was my cue. Making a face one would make at a cute little puppy, I silently mouthed, "I love you," and traced a heart in the air with my fingers. He turned red and increased his velocity.

Arithmancy was hell. Colin sang "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" to me, or whatever the real name of that song is. And... Gave me flowers. It was... Ear splitting. The flowers were nice, though. It's just that... Colin should be banned from using his voice in any sort of musical endeavor. EVER. "That was disgusting," I informed him when he took his seat next to me. "But thank you."

"You're welcome," he replied. Then we held hands and stuff. Aww. After that was Transfiguration. Booorrring. Then there was lunch. During which I sent Professor Snape tons of little Valentines and love notes. Along with some candy and that singing teddy bear. Mwahaha. For some reason, though, he seemed extremely angry the whole time and left early. I wonder why? After that was Charms class. More bore.

After class, I went for a walk with Colin around the lake and snogged him senseless. Then I gave him a spanking. It was a lot of fun. When we got back we spent some time in the library, laughing at the outdated puberty books that were kept in the back. Then it was time for dinner.

I was very disappointed to see that Professor Snape hadn't shown up. Damn! And I was going to give him the edible knickers, too! Oh well, I thought. I'd just have to find him in the dungeons and give them to him. I also took the time to notice that Professor Lupin was absent from the staff table, as well. Hm. Dinner date with Draco?

After dinner I went down into the dungeons to bestow Professor Snape with my gift. It didn't take long to find him at all; he was walking down the corridor with his wand out. "Er... Professor? What are you doing?" He turned around and sneered at me.

"I have a boggart to banish. I'd prefer not to be bothered." He then swept into a darkened classroom. I swept in after him, of course.

"I have something for you." I gave the murderous looking Professor Snape the edible underwear. He took one look at them and started seething.

"Get out! NOW!"

"Pff. Fine." So, I walked out. But, I hadn't gone far when I heard Professor Snape shouting again. With a sigh I went back to the classroom. It sounded... Well... Sort of like he was... Being hugged. "Professor?"

"ARRGH!"

"Should I get some help?"

"ARRGH!"

"Alright, I'll take that as a yes." I knew precisely who to get: Professor Lupin! So, I ran at top speed (or, you know, walked casually) up to the Defense Against the Dark Arts wing. I know from several of my stalker classmates where the entrance to his living quarters are, so it didn't take long to find it.

I was just about to knock on Professor Lupin's door when... It started shaking. And, wonder of wonders, there was a rhythmic banging from the other side. I had an idea of what was going on, but I didn't know for sure until I heard the voices. "Oh, fuck! Yes, fuck me!" Oh my me. That was Professor Lupin's voice. I'd never heard him curse like that before!

"That's right!" Draco's voice. "Who's the Professor now!?"

"You are! You are! Fuck yes! Harder, harder, don't stop!"

"Oh, yeah! I'll fuck you through the door!" I leaned against the wall next to the door, waiting for them to calm down. In the meantime, I just listened to their moans and dirty talk. Whoo, Professor Lupin's such an animal! But then, I should expect as much from a werewolf, I suppose. Eventually, the banging got faster, and there was a lot of screaming and cursing from both sides, then sated silence. I listened to the heavy breathing on the other side for a bit, then knocked gently on the door.

"Are you two done or do I have to wait for the cuddling to commence?" There was a moment's pause before the door swung open, revealing Draco and Lupin, both shirtless and very disheveled. Growl! Now that is hot! "Hey, lovebirds."

"You pervert," Draco sighed. "You were listening, weren't you?"

"'I'll fuck you through the door?'" I enquired as my response.

"Hmph, I should have known. I'm rubbing off on you." I grinned.

"Errr..." Professor Lupin seemed rather uncomfortable. "Is there... A problem?"

"OH! That reminds me! Professor Snape wants you." He blinked, looking puzzled.

"What for?" I winked.

"Oh, please," Draco scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Has Snape ever even been with a man?"

"Yes," Lupin said. We both stared at him. "...Forget I said that." I giggled.

"How many?" I asked excitedly.

"Oh, just one."

"Shucks." I snapped my fingers. "Anyway, he's having some trouble with a rogue boggart. By what I could glean from the shouting, I'd say it's probably hugging him."

"How can you tell?" Draco yawned.

"Because that's how he sounds when I hug him." With a long suffering sigh, Professor Lupin disappeared from sight and returned fully clothed. Poo.

"I suppose I can't leave him in the deadly grip of a boggart. You're welcome to have some tea." Tea! Horay! After giving Draco a little kiss (aww!) he hurried off to save Professor Snape from his worst nightmare.

"I think that man has a tea fetish," Draco muttered, inviting me in.

"How are things going outside the bedroom?" I asked, taking a seat at the table.

"They're alright. He's good boyfriend material."

"I know!"

"Too bad I don't want a boyfriend right now." NO.

"What?"

"I'd really prefer a fuck buddy, you know? Friends with benefits."

"You're a snake." SNAAAAAKE!!!!

"And proud of it." See you in hell, Liquid.

"Pass a biscuit?" I asked.

"...You're not bothered?" Draco gave me a calculating look as he handed the biscuits over.

"As long as Professor Lupin isn't."

"..."

"You did tell him, didn't you?"

"...Not quite."

"You... You... Cock eating drama queen!!"

"Hey! I'm not a drama queen! And I was planning on bringing it up, I just... Don't know how to." I rolled my eyes.

"Just say 'I'm only using you for your body.' That one always goes over well."

"Shut up," he growled, gulping down his tea. "You wouldn't know tact if it was eating you out." I shrugged.

"True."

"And I will tell Remus."

"Sure you will." He let out a frustrated sigh.

"You have no faith in me whatsoever."

"Oh, Draco. You know me so well." We conversed for a bit longer before Professor Lupin came back, looking just a bit disturbed.

"That was the strangest boggart I've ever seen," he commented, pouring himself some tea. "And I've seen a lot of boggarts."

"What was it?" He gave me a strange look, as if he was thinking of some sort of inside joke.

"I can't tell you. It's invasion of privacy."

"Oh, invasion of privacy! Call in the cavalry! Seriously. Tell me."

"I just can't."

"Nobody ever tells me anything," I groused.

"That may be so," Draco replied, "but it's only because nobody likes you."

"Well, I'd say the same, but obviously one person likes you, or I wouldn't have gotten my daily dose of soft core porn earlier."

"Er..." Professor Lupin seemed uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was heading in.

"I have to go anyway," I sighed. "I should probably clean up and get some homework done before I dominate Colin. See you later."

"Manhandler," Draco muttered. Professor Lupin seemed to have swallowed his tongue.

I did exactly what I said I would: I cleaned up and did homework. By the time eleven thirty had rolled around I was half asleep, and only woke up because Luna was statutory raping her little Hufflepuff boy slave in the next bed. He looks fourteen, but she swears he's sixteen. I think she's lying.

Anyway... I crawled out of bed, fixed my hair, and sped off to the Astronomy Tower. It's a good place for a snog session, because all up the spiral staircase there are little observatory rooms. That way, you don't have to go out into the cold to get a little boo-tay. So, I found Colin waiting for me on the staircase, we went into a room, watched the stars... You know, that sort of stuff. Then, you know, we necked and petted a little. Or a lot.

It wasn't exactly what one would call romantic. My shirt was half-open and Colin was putting his hands up my skirt. Or, at least, trying to. "Colin... Eurgh, no... Like this... Yes... Ah! Cold hands!" And then the door opened.

"Miss Page! ...Mr. Creevey!?" Oh. God. No. Professor Snape. In the doorway. Looking... Extremely put off.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHGGGG!!!!" I yanked my shirt closed and tried to hide behind Colin. Professor Snape flinched, grimacing. "PERVERT! OUT! GET OUT!" I threw my shoe at him, and he happily obliged, slamming the door behind him.

I glanced at Colin to see him standing rigid, his mouth still hanging open in horror. Leaving him to his own devices, I quickly fixed myself up, so to say (a.k.a. got properly dressed) and hurried out of the room. Professor Snape was there, waiting to take off points and give Colin and me detentions. "Miss Page," he said tersely, that muscle in his jaw twitching again. I remained silent. I was embarrassed and angry, and I wasn't about to say anything that would get me any further into trouble. "I would have expected more of a school prefect." He looked very angry. "Fifty points from both Ravenclaw and Gryffindor. I expect to see you in detention every night, after dinner, starting next week. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," I replied. "Perhaps we could go over the concept of knocking before entering a room?"

"Another ten points from Ravenclaw."

"You have realized, Professor, that at this point it doesn't really make a difference... Haven't you?"

"And another ten for your attitude." I shrugged. "And I'd better not go through an experience like this again."

"I don't plan to make it a habit."

"Good." He stood silently for a while, his hands clasped behind his back as he completely avoided looking me in the face.

"So... Are you free Saturday night?" He started, then adopted a suspicious expression.

"...What?"

"Because I know this great restaurant over in Hogsmeade-"

"Miss Page," he snapped, "despite whatever your own twisted fantasies have led you to believe, I do not go on... romantic outings... with students."

"I never said it was a date." Silence. "Alright, so I was asking for a date. You can't blame me for trying, Sweet-cheeks."

"I most certainly can!"

"Well, you are my Valentine."

"...I don't have time for such foolishness." With that, he swept off to apprehend more unsuspecting couples.

"...Nadia?" Colin emerged from the room. "Did you just ask Snape out?"

"I was joking." Honestly. He's so jealous.

"We're dating! You can't just go around asking people out!" I rolled my eyes.

"I so can." His mouth dropped open. "I was kidding! Come on, Colin- he's a teacher!"

"That just makes it worse." I glared at him a moment, then cuffed him round the head.

"Honestly. Grow up." Then I walked away. Really, though. Jealous of Professor Snape! Puh! It's not as if I like him more than Colin!

...I don't.

Really.

Alright, maybe a little. But just a tiny bit.

* ~ February 23 ~ *

Dirty smut! Sorry, I just had that on my mind. I woke up very early today. As a matter of fact, it's only five in the morning right now. No one should ever be up that early on a Sunday. But I'm getting off topic. Alright, the detention. I think Professor Snape really might have a soft spot for me. I mean, a lot of the detentions he gives me are served with him. That has to mean something, right? RIGHT!? Anyway, detention was... Interesting. Sort of. The first night we got into a bit of a marital dispute.

I was minding my own business, scrubbing down the work tables, maybe humming "A Pirate's Life for Me," when he got all angry-like. "Detentions are to be served in silence," he growled tersely.

"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me."

"This is your last warning, Miss Page." He seemed very tense.

"We're rascals, scoundrels, villains and knaves. Drink up me 'earties, yo ho."

"ENOUGH!"

"We're devils and black sheep, really bad eggs! Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!"

"Thirty points from Ravenclaw!" He put a silencing charm on me. Again. So, I did what any reasonable person would do. I pretended that I was choking and collapsed onto the floor. I don't think he believed it at first, but after a minute or so of laying on the floor and holding my breath, he started getting apprehensive. "Miss Page? Get off the floor." I felt him nudge me with his foot. God, what a doof. "Miss Page? Hello? Are you alright." I think I was starting to turn a little blue. "Fuck. I'm going to lose my job. Finite." And then he... Punched me in the chest. Basically.

"Ahhh, fucker!" I groaned after several long, gasping breaths. "That fucking hurt, you douche!" Seriously. You don't go around punching people.

"It did not," he argued. "It was that... Teepee stuff."

"CPR? No. That was punching me in the chest."

"Ten points from Ravenclaw. You shouldn't be so ungrateful."

"Why would I be grateful to you for punching me?"

"I saved your life."

"Right. Sure."

"I will not tolerate your insolence! Another ten points!"

"Enough of this!" I proclaimed angrily. "I'm giving you the silent treatment, starting now!"

"Thank God." At which point I began to ignore him. And did so all week long. At first he seemed almost... Blissful. However, after my fourth detention spent in absolute silence, he started to look rather unnerved. Hahaha. I knew he would weaken, eventually. Throughout numbers five and six, he was very... Twitchy.

The last detention, he cracked. I knew I had the touch. Yes! Anyway, I was sorting his slimy things in jars, paying absolutely no attention to him. None at all. No way. And he was tapping his quill, which was getting really annoying, but I continued to ignore him. "Miss Page." I AM GOD. "Come here." I hoped that meant what I thought it meant. While ignoring it. "Miss Page." Silent treatment. "Miss Page!" I sneezed. "You will not ignore me!" I decided to do as he said, for once, and not ignore him. So, I stuck my tongue out at him, then continued sorting the slimy things. Scraping chair, footsteps, menacing voice, and then... "Speak."

"Moooooork."

"With words!"

"Raoul caressed his lover's engorged manhood."

"Other than pornography!"

"You do realize that this means you've cracked. You thought you could handle the silent treatment, but you were wrong. In the end, they all come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy." He stared at me, the tick in his jaw going off.

"Clearly, I've erred. You may continue your vow of silence." Well, it was that basic idea. Except, more angrily and with a lot of gesturing.

"Too late. So, I've been practically bursting. See, the weirdest thing is happening. I'm getting my period right now-" his face turned redder than my vagina- "and usually, it's the regular cramps and constipation, so on and so forth. But now, my boobs are getting sore. Do you think that's normal? Maybe I should check for lumps. Here, feel this spot." His mouth dropped open as I grabbed him by the wrist and placed his hand on my breast. "Any lumps there?" All I can say upon looking back at the scene is... Wow. I don't think I've ever seen a grown man faint before. And it wasn't because of some wimpy thing like surprise or fear of breasts... It was just the sheer anger. He was turning purple, for Christ's sake!

Well, it occurred to me that the best idea would be to get Professor Snape up to the infirmary. However, I don't know the spell for conjuring those neat floating stretchers, and I certainly couldn't carry him all that way. It was at that moment in time that I noticed the jar of floo powder on top of the mantle, so, being the smart person I am, I threw it in Professor Snape's face to wake him up! No, kidding. I'm not that stupid. I tossed it into the fireplace, paused for a moment to think, then began shouting.

"Professor Lupin!! If you're having sex right now you should probably stop!!" I glanced at Professor Snape's prone form. "I think Professor Snape is having a heart attack or something!!" There was a moment's pause before Professor Lupin came tumbling through the fireplace.

"Wha- heart attack!?" Then he caught sight of Professor Snape. "Good lord! What did you do!?"

"I did absolutely nothing," I replied indignantly. "And we probably shouldn't waste time."

"Hello? Who's having a heart attack?" That was Draco, casually buttoning his shirt as he gracefully stepped through the fireplace. I eyed Professor Lupin.

"I knew you were having sex."

"This isn't the time," he firmly scolded me as he conjured a floating stretcher for Professor Snape. Ooh, sexy man, taking charge of the situation. "Nadia, help me lift him."

"What about me?" Draco asked, rather pathetically.

"Nadia's stronger."

"Hey!" Draco's indignant nature was ignored as we lifted Snape onto the stretcher and began maneuvering him out of the room.

"He'll be alright, won't he?" I asked Professor Lupin. Somewhere along the way it occurred to me that he might really be sick or something.

"I don't know," he sighed. Draco was just tagging along for the drama. That drama queen. I'll bet he was basking in it.

"I'll bet he had a stroke and now he's going to sound like Trelawny for the rest of his life." Lupin frowned back at him.

"Really, the woman has enough problems without your ridicule added to the pile."

"Alright, alright." There was a sort of uncomfortable silence as we made our way to the hospital wing, which I was very relieved to finally reach, by the way.

"Goodness!" Madam Pomfrey exclaimed when she saw our cargo. "What has that man done to himself now? Well, come along, Professor, we'll get him settled." She eyed me and Draco. "You two can just take a seat right over there." She waved us away before rushing off with the two professors. So, Draco and I got settled. And sat in more silence.

"...I told him," Draco finally blurted out, just as I was about to try and break the strange quietude.

"You mean you told Professor Lupin that you're only after a physical relationship?" He nodded. "What did he say?"

"Basically... 'Thank God! I was just trying to think of a way to tell you the same thing.' Or something along those lines. So we're cool."

"I'm glad." More silence.

"So... Why did Snape have a heart attack?"

"I made him touch my boob," I replied.

"Really? I suppose he is gay, after all. At least, after having to get so close to you."

"Now's not the time."

"You turn men gay. You really are a fag hag." I was seriously ready to backhand him. As a matter of fact, I was warming my hand up. "Hold on, hold on! I was just kidding! You know, trying to lighten the mood."

"Well, it's not helping. I have my period, and I feel guilty as all hell. I mean, what if he really did have a heart attack? I'd... I'd be so ashamed of myself!"

"...And you aren't already?" In short, Draco got backhanded. So, for the next half hour, Draco sulked and I worried incessantly about Professor Snape. Finally, Madam Pomfrey and Professor Lupin returned, both looking rather tired. But in an optimistic way, I like to think.

"...Was it a heart attack?" I got up the guts to ask.

"No," Madam Pomfrey replied. I opened my mouth again, but she cut me off. "Not a stroke, either." I let out a sigh of relief. "You see, it more resembled a massive anxiety attack. Blood was being pumped through his blood stream far too fast for comfort, and his airways became constricted, so he passed out. This sort of thing usually masquerades as a heart attack, which really isn't at all unlikely. His family history, high-strung personality and constantly high blood pressure put him at high risk for heart disease and stroke. It would be best to monitor his diet and excercise for the next few days, just to make sure he gets on the right track." I felt like his wife, sitting there and listening to the diagnosis. "And I highly recommend that one of you stays overnight with him, just in case." Draco and Lupin glanced at each other, then both fixed their eyes firmly on me.

"...Alright. I volunteer. Though, if he wakes up, you'd better have another bed ready." Madam Pomfrey only let out an exasperated sigh.

"I'll get a chair and a blanket for you." With that, she bustled off.

"Are you two going to go have more sex?" Hey, it was a grasp of the familiar in a strange and frightening situation.

"Probably," Draco replied. Lupin hit him.

"No," he insisted, giving Draco one of those scary warning looks that takes years to develop. "Draco is going home for some much needed rest. Is there anything you need?"

"Well..." I checked my bag. Only one tampon and no pads. "I need some supplies of a feminine nature."

"Madam Pomfrey has plenty of those," Draco snorted dismissively. This comment was met with much staring. "What? It's not like I've used them."

"You are such a girl."

"Yes, you really are," I agreed. "So, I'll... See you later." I stood up to go take up my post, Draco throwing his usual insult as he left, while Professor Lupin squeezed my shoulder. Aw, how sweet. So, I sat in a (thankfully) cushioned chair at Professor Snape's bedside and... Watched him sleep. He actually seemed peaceful, for once. I suppose it was because he didn't know I was nearby.

I knew I wasn't supposed to fall asleep, so I entertained myself by singing the entirety of "Bohemian Rhapsody" to myself twice over, including the instrumental parts, which I hummed. Then I went and asked Madam Pomfrey for some feminine products. After changing, I resumed my post. And sang some more Queen. With air guitar. Hey, it's boring in the hospital wing... At least, it is when you're conscious. When I'd gotten through all the Queen I know, I started in with the Elvis. After that was Elton John, then Eurythmics, then Madonna, then the Bangles, followed by a total eighties fest. My throat was actually getting rather sore.

However, it wasn't until I'd begun "A Pirate's Life for Me," that Professor Snape actually started to wake up. Which was a bad thing. "...Hmmm..." He sounded like he was in pain. "...I feel... Like... A really bad egg." I glanced around to see if there was anyone else present who could have hexed him. Apparently not. I figured he must have been delirious from his episode, not to mention extremely drugged up.

"Hey, there," I said in my most soothing voice. "You'll be alright." I patted his hand.

"Nafunnel... Yogurt." That seems to be a rather recurring theme in his subconscious. I remember that from the last time I was in the hospital wing. "Mrm..." Apparently, he was half-asleep. "...Pirate princess..." Er... "Mary Janes."

"...Drink up me 'earties, yo ho?"

"...Nadia... Hmph..." Then he snorted, rolled over, and went back to sleep. I watched him for a bit, then shook my head in wonderment. The man really has some strange issues. On the bright side, he used my given name. Now that's a first! As I mulled over the fact, I eventually fell asleep, and had a rather scintillating dream about Professor Snape as a pirate captain, and I, his seductive prisoner. Recurring dreams are the bomb.

The next morning, I awoke rather abruptly, most likely because Professor Snape was shouting at me. Madam Pomfrey was trying to calm him down, but when that didn't work, she stunned him, pumped him with tranquilizers, then revived him. He looked much calmer. And... Slightly stoned. "Mmmiss... Paage..." Make that very stoned.

"Are you sure you need that much?"

"Oh yes," she assured me. "I truly did."

"Deeetentionnn.... Wwithh... McGonagall."

"Careful, now. Don't hurt yourself." He looked rather angry at that. "Why don't you just relax and get some well deserved rest, hmm, Professor?" He started to lay down. "There, now, that feels good, doesn't it?" He glared at me until he dropped off again. I could be wrong, but perhaps he was angry at me?

Things didn't get interesting until Professor Snape woke up again, obviously still under the influence of drugs, but as much as before. "Miss Page," he hissed. He seems to like using my name as an insult an awful lot. "Explain yourself."

"How do you feel?" He blinked.

"...What?"

"How do you feel?" I repeated.

"...Alright."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Oh, Professor!" I leaned forward and flung my arms around him. "I'm so happy that you're alright! I was worried sick!"

"Get off me." He seemed incapable of shouting. So, I sat up again.

"Madam Pomfrey assured us that it wasn't a heart attack," I informed him.

"...Us?" He seemed rather apprehensive of that.

"Professor Lupin, Draco, and myself." He groaned. "Yes, I know... Draco's a girl. Anyway, she said that it was a massive anxiety attack and that you're a high-strung lunatic with blood pressure through the roof, so you have to watch your diet and excercise from now on." He glared at me for a long time.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well... I felt partly responsible-"

"You are entirely responsible." Thank goodness for sedatives.

"Well, yes. So, naturally, I was plagued with guilt. Besides that, I was worried, and you know I'd never you alone all night after something like that, Professor. You're my little bundle of joy." More glaring ensued. "Or not."

"When can I leave?"

"Dunno." I shrugged. "Oh, and I got you something special." I fished in my bag a bit and handed him my leftover crappy infirmary tampons. "They made me think of you."

"...I'm dead, and I've gone to hell. That's the only explanation."

"Don't talk to yourself, dear. It makes you look nutty." He scowled fiercely.

"I am not your dear."

"That isn't what you said last night," I replied casually. Which, technically, is true.

"Oh?" I nodded. "What, then?"

"Something about funnels and yogurt and Mary Janes. I think you really need to see a psychologist about that muttering in your sleep." He went red and turned his head away. "I guess that means it has something to do with a kinky game?"

"Twenty points," he huffed. I would have invented a kinky game on the spot if Madam Pomfrey hadn't come to put a damper on my fun.

"You seem to be recovering well," she commented, disregarding me as she examined him. "Alright, then. Have some breakfast and then you may go. Miss Page, please be a dear and escort the professor down to the dungeons. He'll need to rest for the remainder of the day, but after that it's excercise, excercise, and more excercise. Got that, Severus? Excercise." As she scurried away, he made a nasty face at her back and mimicked her.

"Don't be such a child, Professor. It sets a bad example." He made a nasty face at me, as well. "I take it you don't like to excercise."

"No." Madam Pomfrey returned with a tray of food and set it on Professor Snape's lap, then ran off again. "...What is this?" I looked at it.

"Calcium and vitamin D enriched orange juice, oatmeal, half a grapefruit, and two tablespoons of cottage cheese." I leaned forward and sniffed it. "Make that reduced fat cottage cheese."

"I'm in hell," he muttered, pushing the tray away.

"If you don't eat it, I'll tattle on you." He made another nasty face, then picked up his spoon and started eating. He grimaced every time he took a bite, and it was really pathetic. "It's not that bad," I muttered.

"I hate oatmeal." He had some grapefruit. "I hate grapefruit." Then some cottage cheese. "And I really hate low fat." I snorted.

"You're acting like Draco."

"Ten points from Ravenclaw. I am not a drama queen, and I most certainly am not a girl." Unlike Draco.

"Yes, I noticed that time in the bathroom." He growled menacingly, but I ignored it. "And I'm going to ask Professor Lupin to check up on you at random intervals, you know. You'll never sleep alone!" He raised an eyebrow, to which I shrugged.

"I'm done." He pushed his breakfast away again.

"You're not done. And don't even think of arguing, because I'll call Madam Pomfrey over here to bludgeon you with forceps." He made a sour face and resumed eating. It was actually rather entertaining to watch. "Don't be such a baby. I eat that stuff all the time, and look at me! I haven't burned up or melted yet, and I can even knock Draco out."

"A newborn could knock him out," Professor Snape muttered grumpily, taking a long gulp of orange juice. "I hate vitamins."

"You're a real pain, you know that?" He sent a rather murderous expression my way.

"I am a pain? Tell me again, Miss Page, what is the reason I'm here?"

"You have a horrible lifestyle full of stress and poor fitness and nutrition?"

"No! Because of you! Why can't you leave me alone!?"

"No can do, Professor," I informed him. "I've got a goal to reach."

"And what is that?"

"Getting into your pants. And don't worry, I don't mind if you're dead already, that only makes it easier." The tick in his jaw was acting up like crazy, and if looks could kill, I would have burst into flames, then been eaten by a flying shark.

"Miss Page. Whatever the joke is, you should stop right now." I blinked.

"What joke?" There's no joke! Really! Er...

"Don't play dumb with me."

"I'm not, really. I genuinely like you, Professor." Which is true.

"Ten points from Ravenclaw."

"Wow, you take compliments badly." He growled. "If you'd ever stopped to notice, Professor, you'd have found out by now that the growling turns me on a lot more than it scares me." He stopped growling.

"If I bribed you, would you leave me alone?" I thought for a moment.

"Mmm... Nope. Sorry."

"Anything."

"Have sex with me and we'll call it even."

"No!"

"Spoil sport." I crossed my arms and pouted for a bit. "And finish your breakfast before it gets... Slimy."

"It already is slimy."

"Eat it, anyway. Then I'll reward you with a nice, relaxing sexual massage."

"That is quite enough, Miss Page," he muttered, very quickly finishing off his breakfast. Honestly, I was starting to think the grimace would be permanent. Though, I don't blame him, what with having to eat a grapefruit without sugar.

"Alright, now I'll help you get dressed."

"I can do it myself! Get out of here!"

"Fine, fine. You shouldn't be so nasty to me, you know. I am playing nursemaid and watching over you. And I volunteered, thanks very much."

"You're not welcome." So, while I waited for Professor Snape to get dressed I... Well, I watched his silhouette through the curtain. When he emerged, fully dressed, I stuck out my arm.

"Shall we, sir?" He snorted and walked past me. Though his pace was much slower than usual. "I can see that you're very tired," I commented as I followed him out of the infirmary. "There's no shame in accepting a bit of help."

"I don't need help," he snarled. Well, at least that feisty spirit of his was back full force.

"You look a bit winded." Which was true, and my concern was not misplaced; he was walking down a flight of stairs.

"I'm fine."

"You shouldn't stress yourself within twenty-four hours of your episode, Professor. Madam Pomfrey knows what she's talking about."

"I am not stressing myself! Ten points from Ravenclaw!"

"I think we've already reached zero, sir."

"I don't care!" I tsked him.

"You really are high-strung. You're worse than my mother."

"Ten points from Ravenclaw!"

"Yes, you've specified already." I yanked his arm into my iron grip and forced him to let me help him down the stairs. "You're going to get into bed straight away, aren't you, Professor?" He grunted. "And you need to drink plenty of fluids, and avoid red meat. And try to loosen up, a little, too."

"I don't eat steak. And since when are you a mediwitch?"

"Red meat also includes beef, pork, and lamb. And I happen to know a lot about this sort of thing for a multitude of reasons, all of which are private. So there. Now, here are some things that will help reduce your stress level..."

"Merlin, help me." I ignored him.

"You shouldn't isolate yourself so much. Try to build closer relationships with other, and share your daily experiences. You might want to think about spending more time in the staff room with the other teachers. Excercise won't just lower your blood-pressure, it'll help you cope with stress as well. Try to get at least thirty minutes in four or more days of the week. You need to get enough sleep, too, which I don't think you do. And don't start in with those stalker accusations, I just hear things, is all. At least eight hours a night, Professor. You also might want to practice some relaxation techniques, such as yoga and meditation."

"Are you finished?"

"No. Now that we've covered stress, we should go over the specifics of your diet and excercise regimen."

"I'm not taking medical advice from a teenager."

"Trust me on this, Professor. I've been dieting constantly since puberty. The biggest thing to remember, though, is that it's not really a diet, it's a lifestyle." He was grimacing again. "It's really not that bad. Healthy food can taste really good. And the healthiest food you can eat is natural. You know, lean meat, natural spices, fruits and vegetables, yogurt, milk-"

"Where's my wand?"

"I picked your pocket." Hey, I was anticipating this reaction. "Anyway, speaking of dairy, you need two to three servings of calcium rich dairy foods a day. Calcium keeps your bones strong and increases the elasticity of your skin, as well. One serving of calcium is marked as twenty-five percent. So, you could have milk, yogurt, cottage cheese (which is also an excellent source of protein) or any calcium enriched cheese or milk substitute."

"Kill me."

"No. Now, you also need to consider your vitamin C, dietary fiber, iron, folic acid- you know, that stuff. Citrus fruits are always a good source of vitamin C, and most of your necessary vitamins and minerals can be found in a variety of daily multi-vitamins. Today's a Hogsmeade trip, so I'll pick some up for you." He groaned. "As for dietary fiber, whole grains such as oatmeal, wheat and bran are always a good source. And while we're on the carbohydrates, try to cut down on those as much as possible. Four servings a day, at the most. And try to stay away from white anything, and starch. Potatoes are alright, though, but you'd be best staying with your red potatoes. Protein rich foods are, again, cottage cheese, poultry, and fish- you should try to eat fish at least once a week. And don't forget about soy protein, found in miso, soybeans, and tofu, among other things. As for excercise-"

"I've had enough, really."

"No you haven't. Like I said, at least thirty minutes a day, four days a week. And you need to remember that this is the minimum. You need to expend at least 1,000 to 3,500 calories a week, so keep that in mind. Now, as for the type of excercise, you'd best stay with cardiovascular activities such as walking, jogging, running, and flying would be alright as long as it's paired with at least fifteen minutes of an alternate excercise. Yoga, the stress-reducing technique I mentioned before, can also count as an excercise. Then there's kick-boxing, which I doubt you'll try and I won't encourage (it's torture, I swear) and pilates, which I'm not even sure about, but I've heard good things. You be best starting off small and working your way up. I'll have to consult Madam Pomfrey about resistance excercises, but they really couldn't hurt."

"Are you done?"

"Yes. There's a lot more to it, but I shouldn't bombard you with a lot of information all at once."

"God forbid." It was at that moment that I realized we'd made it down to the dungeons. "I believe I can take it from here, Miss Page."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Leave." I gave him a little pat on the arm.

"I'm really sorry about all this. Don't worry, I'll make it up to you." He looked about ready to protest, but I jogged off before he could say anything. I was quite hungry at the moment, and since by that time most of the students would have already made it to Hogsmeade, I decided that the Great Hall would be a nice pit stop. However, I wasn't sitting for five minutes when another conflict began.

"Nadia!"

"Yes, Colin?" He came stomping up to me, looking extremely angry.

"You were in the hospital wing all night with Snape, weren't you!?"

"...Yes." Oh, God. He was jealous again.

"I heard- heard that Snape was in the infirmary because he had a heart attack while- while-" he paused, shuddering. "While you were serving a naughty detention!"

"...Pardon?" I could see where this was leading.

"You know! Having sex!" I was just about ready to burst out laughing.

"Colin, you've got it all wrong."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes! It wasn't a heart attack, just an anxiety attack, and we'd only gotten to second base when it happened." Well, he deserved it. Plus, it was extremely satisfying to see his mouth drop open like that.

"W-what? I haven't even gotten to second base with you!"

"I know. Strange world we're living in, eh?" He mouthed wordlessly for a few seconds, slowly turning red. "Colin. Calm down. I was having you on."

"You- you what?"

"Do you really think Snape would ever even touch a student? Come on. Let's try to live in the real world, at least for a few minutes."

"Oh... Oh Jesus... I'm sorry."

"It's okay." It was at that moment that I noticed Professor Lupin exiting the Great Hall, and, remembering my vow to Professor Snape, I went after him. Colin seemed a bit vexed at that, especially since he'd started talking again. Oh well. "Professor Lupin!" It was rather easy to catch up with him.

"Hello, Nadia. How's Professor Snape?"

"He's alright, but he isn't taking to the whole healthy living thing. Would you just surprise him at random intervals and make sure he isn't... Ingesting poison or anything?"

"Certainly. You seem to be falling into the role of surrogate mother rather well."

"Ah, it runs in the family. Oh, and remember: he isn't allowed any red meat or other foods high in saturated fat."

"I'll remember."

"Okay, thanks a bunch. I'm going to go change, now, since I've been wearing these clothes for so long that they're starting to stick to me..." So, with a quick farewell I was off to get changed and so on. After that, I went into Hogsmeade to get Professor Snape the supplies I'd promised. A chewable daily multi-vitamin, severable books on healthy eating and excercise, a Tantric sex manual (hey, it's practically the same as yoga... Sort of) and, as a special treat, some dark chocolate. It's actually good for you, as long as you don't eat too much. While I was shopping, I just happened to run into Ginny and Luna.

"Did you really have sex with him?" That was the first thing out of Ginny's mouth.

"No. I made him feel my breast for lumps, he had an anxiety attack, spent the night in the infirmary. That is, if we're talking about Professor Snape, which I assume we are."

"Yes."

"Well, there you go."

"What are you doing?" Luna asked.

"Shopping for Professor Snape. He needs to watch himself, now, or else he really will get a heart attack. This is one of the warning signs that he's traveling down the dangerous road to heart disease, you know." They both just stared at me for a bit.

"...You fancy him more than Colin, don't you?" Ginny finally asked.

"No, of course not!" I lied.

"...Right. Well, we'll let you mother him for the rest of the day. We've got dates."

"Really? Have fun." So, we parted ways. I made it back to the school by lunch time, which was a relief because it would be easy to find Professor Snape, and, since it was such an unusually nice day out, most of the remaining students would probably fancy a picnic. That meant that the Great Hall would be practically empty, which is a very good thing.

There he was, up at the high table, grimacing down at his food while Professor Lupin was apparently informing him of the health benefits provided by that particular meal. So, I scurried up there and plopped the bounty upon the table. "There you go, Professor. Multi-vitamins and some reading to help you." He glared at me, but then took notice of the chocolate.

"Chocolate? I can eat this?" He seemed rather doubtful.

"Oh, yes. Dark chocolate is very good for you. It provides some important vitamin I forget the name of, but I remember that milk cancels it out, so don't drink milk with it. And only dark chocolate, two ounces a day, tops. It'll help you out, trust me. If there's a candy or junk food with health benefits, I know about it."

"Thank you," he grumbled darkly.

"Don't be so sour. Good nutrition and excercise will actually help to improve your mood, you know. And what are you drinking?"

"Pumpkin juice. Is there a problem with that?"

"Not at all! Pumpkin juice counts as one serving towards your fruits and vegetables. You need to have five servings total a day, you know. And do you drink red wine?"

"...Yes."

"Good! Keep that up, it's good for your heart. One glass in the evening, no more and no less. And don't let me catch you with any other alcoholic drinks, or you'll be sorry. What are you eating? Let me see... Turkey, carrots, mashed potatoes... That's too many potatoes, cut the serving in half. Those are loaded with butter, you know. And add another vegetable to your plate. Is that turkey lean?" I noticed that Professor Lupin was looking extremely amused.

"Enough!" he finally snapped at me. "I refuse to be mothered! You will return to your seat immediately or I'll-"

"PROFESSOR!!!" I screeched. All attention snapped towards me. "WHY DID YOU TELL EVERYBODY OUR LOVE SECRET!?!?" He turned red and gripped the table very tightly. The Headmaster seemed just as amused as Lupin was.

"What the hell is wrong with you!?"

"You were acting up," I replied. "I wouldn't want you to endanger your health." Professor Lupin chuckled quietly. "Anyway, I almost forgot to mention- stay away from whole milk products. Stick with part-skim or reduced fat cheeses and other dairy substances, and don't drink any higher than one percent fat milk. And eat the vitamin, for Merlin's sake, before I have a heart attack myself! Anyway, I'm in desperate need of a nap. See you later, professors."

"That girl will be the death of me," I heard him mutter as I walked away. Aw, how sweet of him! Anyway, I went up to my dorm and took a nap. It was fun. Now I'm wondering if I'll have to keep playing nurse with Professor Snape. God, I hope so. Well... Now that it's starting to get light out, I should probably take a shower. And masturbate a little. You know, just in case. Off I trot.