The Seduction of Severus Snape

Chapter 8: Booty Boy

* ~ January 5 ~ *

Arrrr, mateys. The holidays were very nice, what with all the relaxing (and actually deciding that, yes, Colin is in fact my boyfriend now.) However, guess what class I had on the first day back? That's right, potions. Which means I needed to wink and blow kisses all through the lesson. Though, I think I might have done that anyway. It's really too bad that Colin doesn't have potions with me; I'd like to see him get unreasonably jealous. I know it's mean, but I can't help it. I'm just a mean person.

As I was saying, potions class. I was actually kind of dreading the lesson, since I still have no idea what had gone on during that ominous parent-teacher conference... Knowing my dad... Something very bad. And embarrassing. And possibly resulting in Professor Snape being physically injured. Well, at least I know where I get it from.

I did see Professor Snape once, while I was up extra early making a snowman of a gay pirate I made up, named Dumas Daley. He was headed for Hagrid's hut, so I threw a snowball and hit him right in the back of the head. Heehee. I got scolded, but it didn't matter much to me. However, while he was walking back into the castle (and I thought I was out of danger) a snowball hit me full-speed, right in the boob! Damn, it hurt like a bitch. And, of course, Professor Snape was already gone. Then I realized- he threw a snowball at me! Which meant that, technically, we had a snowball fight! Eee! It made me very happy. Except for the sore breast part.

Anyway, back to the task. I walked into the classroom at my customary early time, seating myself at the middle work table, where Professor Snape would be able to see me perfectly throughout the entire lesson. He wasn't in the classroom yet, so I entertained myself by imagining him giving me a lap dance. Yum...

He showed up right before the bell rang, obviously in bad spirits, and jerkily turned to glare at us from behind his desk. I winked right at him and blew a kiss; it was very exaggerated, as Ginny had suggested. His jaw twitched momentarily before he started a lecture on the properties and uses of wolfsbane. After a bit, he looked my way again, and I winked and blew another kiss. Scowling, he turned away and continued the lecture.

All through class I kept winking and blowing kisses, but Professor Snape just kept ignoring me. Then, as everyone was packing up, I winked and blew another kiss. "Miss Page, please stay after class." It sounded like I was going to get a tongue lashing, so I waited until all my classmates had cleared out of the room and approached his desk, preparing myself for the worst. Glaring at me, he let out a low growl and slammed his hands on his desk, standing up to loom ominously over me. "I am not your booty boy!" I blinked, trying to process what had just been said to me. By Professor Snape.

"...'Booty boy?'" I'm sure my expression was a perfect mix between embarrassed and horrified. "Professor, what did my father say to you?"

"A great many things," he snarled, making it obvious that none of these many things had a calming effect on his much-abused nerves.

"Er... Am I in trouble for it?"

"Yes!"

"...Why?" He paused for a moment.

"Because I don't much like you. Detention with McGonagall."

"I knew you hated me." He snorted.

"I dislike you. It's quite different."

"...I think you're just making all of this up." Professor Snape was acting very sexy.

"Kindly remove yourself. I've work to do." Bastard.

"Fine," I said stiffly, heading out of the room with my nose in the air. "I guess that means that you're sleeping on the couch tonight."

"What-" I slammed the door behind me. Haha, what a face!

After that, I decided to go lounge in the library with the other members of the SSS and try to think up more tasks. Of course, they were already waiting, a large stack of books on the table. Apparently, we're going to perform more spells on Professor Snape. So, I sat down next to Colin, graced him with a kiss on the cheek, and grabbed a book from the pile. "We were thinking of using magical aid for the next task," Ginny informed me, quite unnecessarily.

"I see," I replied, flipping through the book. "Have you found anything good yet?"

"Just the usual," Colin replied. "Most of it's rather boring."

"I thought the singing was nice," Luna stated nonchalantly. "Nadia should serenade him." Luna dies.

"You know, that's not bad at all," Ginny muttered, grinning. "You should return the favor, after all." I let out a long-suffering sigh.

"Fine, fine, I'll-" I paused as a spell in the book caught my attention. "Hey, look at this." I held the book out for the others to see. "There's a spell here on conjuring illusions. All we have to do is think up something and modify the spell. Neat, huh?" Wicked looks were exchanged between the four of us.

"We have to use this on Snape," Colin said, looking over the spell. "Though... What would we conjure?" Luna and I gave each other meaningful looks, apparently both of us recalling a conversation from the morning we'd had, in which Professor Snape's rear end had played a vital role.

"I've got an idea," I replied. "You see, this morning Luna and I were just discussing our dear professor, and his bottom part. I happened to mention that it has its own ethereal glow, which brings me to thinking... Perhaps we could cast a spell on him to have light coming out of his bum? Ooh, and angels flying around it and singing choir songs, that would be good, too." I was stared at for a long time. Then...

"Nadia, that's brilliant!" Ginny exclaimed. "I'll get to making the spell right away! I'll have it ready by tomorrow, you lot just sit tight." With that, she rushed off, tightly clutching the book.

"...Time for a love letter," Luna suddenly piped up, yanking out a piece of parchment and slapping it down on the table.

"This'll be easy," Colin gloated. "Just write what you would say to me."

"Colin," I sighed, "we're supposed to be trying to make him think I love him, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember- hey!" Oh, I'm good. "You know, you still have to do that singing task."

"Aheheh." I elbowed him. So, we got to writing the love letter, and when we'd finished Colin and I went off and snogged (trust me, it's not as interesting as it sounds) then I made him promise to let me spank him at a later date and went on my merry pervert way. Even though I am not a pervert. Really. (Colin's a butt slut.)

* ~ January 7 ~ *

Wow... That angels around the butt thing... Didn't turn out quite as planned. Yesterday, Ginny handed me the spell she'd made up, and forced me to promise to wait until she was watching to do it. In the corridors. So, I spent the rest of the day ignoring my classes (History of Magic is boring as hell, anyway) and memorizing the spell.

I was walking through the corridor, joined by Ginny, Luna, and Colin, thinking that I might not see Professor Snape at all that day, when there he was. He had just come prowling around a corner, black robes billowing, looking absolutely murderous. I did as the other students were doing and backed out of his way, watching him go. Then, taking my cue from Luna, I sent the spell after him, suppressing a giggle at the gentle light that had come tumbling forth from his buttocks.

And there they were. Blonde little angels, fluttering about, one with a harp and another with what looked like Cupid's bow and arrows. And they sang, in shrill, high little voices. "Hallelujah, HALLELUJAH!!!!!" It was off key, and sort of hurt my ears. They giggled, little tittering noises that grated on the nerves like sandpaper against aluminum. "Teeheeheehee!" Horrible. Disgusting. I stepped on them; it was just like squashing a bug. Hey, they were only illusions created by a spell, anyway.

"I'm sorry, Professor." Then I turned and walked away, the soft glow from Professor Snape's rear end casting long shadows. I could hear the laughter of the entire student body following me as I went, and felt rather pleased by it.

Of course, I wasn't so pleased when Professor Snape caught up to me at dinner and gave me a detention for tonight at 11 o' clock at night! That's just way too late to be serving a detention that would probably take three or more hours to complete.

So, I decided to be angry at him for keeping me up, even though I would probably be awake, anyway. And today I had some sort of conference with Professor Lupin, apparently, about the essay I had recently handed in. Which, as I had suspected, turned out to be afternoon tea in his office. With biscuits. Yum! However, halfway through our chat about his ineptitude with all things muggle, the subject was changed. "About your essay, Nadia..."

"Oh, that! Is there something wrong with it?"

"Yes... You see, when I asked for a foot on shielding charms, a love letter was not exactly what I had in mind... Though, I can understand how you would get the two mixed up." I blushed. Oh no! My terrible secret had been revealed to Professor Lupin!

"Oh. Er... I... That's not my essay." Thank God I hadn't sent the letter yet. "And if you'll just give it back, I'll hand in the essay as soon as possible, I promise."

"Of course. Next time, though, you could at least address it to me." I was very embarrassed.

"...You're not going to tell Professor Snape about this, are you?"

"Don't worry. I know how to keep a secret." He offered me a comforting smile. I breathed a sigh of relief, especially when I finally had the letter back in my hands.

"Thank you so much." I sipped at my tea. "So... Any new boyfriends yet?" His cheeks were tinged an attractive shade of pink.

"Er... No."

"I really should set you up with someone," I sighed, Draco Malfoy immediately coming to mind. That would be so hot... Why didn't I think of it before!?

"I... I really don't think..."

"What about Draco Malfoy?" I suggested, hoping I could convince him. He choked a bit on his tea.

"Er- as interesting as that sounds, I don't think- I mean-"

"Great! I'll write him!" He looked rather bewildered.

"...Alright."

"You two can have a date in Hogsmeade!"

"Uhh... Yay?" I grinned at him.

"Trust me, you would be such a cute couple." He chuckled nervously. "I know you don't think it's very likely, but you two would complement each other perfectly. And you really need to start playing the field, Professor, if you don't mind my saying so. One should never go for too long without getting laid, as my uncle always says!" Even though he's a priest. And Professor Lupin was choking on his tea again.

"Your uncle?"

"Yes. The priest one I told you about, you know."

"Right. Priest." He looked a bit uncomfortable. I suppose it's understandable, what with the lycanthropy and homosexuality. Seeing as the church seems to be generally against those things.

"Anyway, I'd better get to my homework. And that letter to Draco! I think you'll hit it off rather well."

"Er... Thank you. How utterly... Nosy... Of you."

"I know, I get it from my father. And my big Greek family, too. See you later, Professor."

"Have a good afternoon, Nadia." And so I went on my merry way.

Writing the letter to Draco was fun, seeing as I had to think of a way to get him to agree to drag his lazy ass over to Hogsmeade next weekend, which is a Hogsmeade weekend, for a blind date, no less! If I told him right away that it's Professor Lupin, there's no way he would come. Heheh, come. But, they would get along so well. I know it! I mean, after the amount of time I spent with Draco (mostly because of Blaise) I could practically call him my hot gay friend. Which always makes me giddy, because adding him to Professor Lupin brings the total to two, which is more than I had hoped for. Having two hot gay friends who also happen to be having sex with each other would be even better.

Of course, this means that I will have to take on the traditional matchmaker duties. Such as, meeting Draco in Hogsmeade and telling him last minute exactly who his date happens to be, and getting him to still attend the fated meeting. Then, of course, I'll need to monitor the date and make sure all goes according to plan. I'll need help from the SSS, surely, to avoid any major disasters. And then, I'll need to make sure that the absolutely necessary end-of-date kiss commences without a hitch. It's a difficult job, but somebody's got to do it.

After I had finished the letter to Draco and most of my homework, I went up to the owlery and mailed it, along with the love letter to Professor Snape. And I made absolutely sure that the letters were in the correct envelopes. It wouldn't do at all for Draco to receive a declaration of love, or for Professor Snape to receive the suggestion that he go on a blind date with another man. I can't be too sure, but I'm fairly certain that he's straight.

Once that series of tasks had been completed, I settled down for a nap. Then, once the nap had been completed, I headed down to the dungeons for my very late detention. The door to Professor Snape's office was open slightly, and at first I didn't think anything of it, but then I heard a voice drift through the crack.

"Fucker." I paused, listening quite carefully when I realized that the voice belonged to Professor Snape.

"...What is it?" I paid even closer attention upon coming to the conclusion that the second voice was property of Professor Lupin, edging closer to the door.

"Damn, that's tight." I froze completely, not even bothering to breathe. "It's too tight!"

"What do you mean, Severus?"

"I mean it's too tight, dammit! I can't get it out!"

"Well, pull harder."

"I'm doing it as hard as I can, Lupin. Here, hold it."

"Jesus, this thing is big."

"Just shut up and hold on, I'll pull." There was some low grunting, as I imagined the naughty things that must be going on inside that office. "Shit!"

"Are you alright?"

"Move your leg!"

"Well, if you'd move your arm-"

"I never should have asked you to do this."

"Christ, Severus, all you do is bitch. I'm trying to do you a favor here!"

"Well, Lupin, if you'd actually help me out here, I'd-"

"Professors?" I pushed the door open, hoping to see something hot and bothering. However, to my great disappointment, both Professors were fully clothed, and neither were doing anything that even remotely resembled sex. "...What are you doing?"

"Er..." Professor Lupin blinked. They had their limbs braced in strange places, leaning between Snape's desk and the many shelves lining the office... Trying to get a stopper out of a bottle. "...Nothing."

"If I were you," I went on, "I'd try to be a bit more quiet, or at least tone down the dialogue." They both looked puzzled. "I don't know about either of you, but I thought you two were having some hot gay sex in here. Needless to say, I'm very disappointed."

"What!?" Professor Snape seemed very offended.

"We'll- er- try to keep it down." Professor Lupin looked as if he was trying not to laugh.

"That's what I get for spending so much time with an arse bandit," Professor Snape grumbled under his breath. Well, that was a rather mean thing to say. So...

"Oh, dear me, Professor Snape! Oh my, oh my!" I cried, throwing my hand to my forehead in exaggerated distress.

"...What?" He threw an angry glance at Professor Lupin, who was looking quite interested.

"It seems as though you've caught the dreaded homosexuality, sir!" It was quiet enough to hear crickets chirp. Then, I heard Professor Lupin let out a low chuckle.

"Poof," Professor Snape muttered quite clearly, crossing his arms and scowling. Professor Lupin only increased the volume of his laughter.

"Quick, Professor Snape!" I exclaimed, deciding to milk this joke for all it was worth. "You've got to decontaminate yourself! Hurry, show a heterosexual display of testosterone that will leave me, a helpless young lady, in a swoon! Swiftly, smite that rainbow from your heart and go out to kill some deer! Make haste, make haste, and stare at the most likely false breasts of a well-endowed woman! You must get the gay out, Professor! Get the GAY OUT!!" Professor Lupin doubled over in laughter, tears coming to his eyes.

"Yes, Severus," he agreed breathlessly, as Professor Snape audibly ground his teeth, "get the gay out." Then, he dissolved into laughter again.

"That is ENOUGH!" Professor Snape bellowed, looking furious. "I will not be mocked in my own office!"

"Good show!" I clapped a few times. "I can smell the testosterone, professor! What an absolutely heterosexual display of unbridled manhood!"

"I'd like to bridle your manhood, Professor GAYpe," Professor Lupin said, bursting again into laughter. He'd never acted that way in front of any students before, but apparently he'd gotten into the joke.

"Gaype?" I asked. "As in... Gay pride?" Now I was starting to laugh, especially at the look on Professor Snape's face. "Oh, professor- perhaps if you masturbated to some lesbians? Maybe that would eradicate the latent homosexuality that is apparently tearing wildly through your-"

"ENOUGH!" he roared, seething. "OUT!!" He illustrated his command by pointing a shaking finger at the door.

"Alright, alright, I can see you need some alone time with your sexuality issues!" And with that I rushed out of the room, and hid in a place where I could very conveniently eavesdrop on the following conversation between the two professors, with the help of a few charms and a patented Weasley extendable ear. By the time I had finished this, a conversation was already established, and I had apparently missed a few key points.

"...Decide for myself!" Professor Snape finished, agitated.

"Severus... What are you talking about?"

"What am I- What am I talking about? THIS! THIS HERE!!" I scurried up to the door and peered through the crack, eager to get a look, and saw him holding up a piece of parchment on which there was a picture of him, crudely drawn in a child's hand, with crayon, no less... And he was pissing and shitting at the same time. It was hilarious. I stifled a snort of laughter as I imagined what child would have drawn such a picture, and whether said child was still among the living.

"Er... Severus? Are you alright?" Professor Snape growled, then flipped the parchment over and shoved it into Professor Lupin's hands. On the other side there was a lot of text and fine print, with some signatures at the bottom. I couldn't quite make it out. There was silence as Professor Lupin read it, then a sharp intake of breath as he nearly dropped the parchment. Regaining his composure, he continued to read, then slowly lowered it as he stared incredulously at Professor Snape. "Severus..." he breathed. "I had no idea... So this is why..." He trailed off, then took another deep breath. "Do you..."

"No!" Professor Snape snapped, a little too quickly, looking extremely agitated. "Of course not! How could I?" He paced for a bit, irritably running his hand through his hair and muttering swears under his breath, then finally settled for leaning against his desk and crossing his arms, glaring.

"But you have some feelings, don't you?" Professor Lupin inquired. Grr! What were they talking about? Dammit!

"Why should I confide in you?" he growled back.

"You can't keep it bottled up inside. Besides... Is there anyone else?"

"...Fine." Professor Snape cast his eyes to the ground. "Perhaps... Perhaps I feel something. What really makes me angry is that I can't get out of this, and what makes me want to kill someone is that he knew. He knew it all along, that this would happen. Somehow, he knew, and that- that thing was some kind of insurance." WHAT HAPPENED?!?

"And you're afraid," Professor Lupin observed quietly.

"What-? No! Of course not!" Professor Snape looked outraged.

"You are," he replied. "You're scared to death. Of what might happen when you have to go through with it. Of what you might feel. Or what-"

"Stop it! Just... Shut up. You'd probably be... jumping out of your skin by now, in my place." He looked rather sulky, glaring down at Professor Lupin from behind a thin curtain of black hair. "I... I've never been too adept at things like this. I never wanted any of this, in fact. Now it's all dropped down on my shoulders and..." He sighed, seemingly open for once. "...I just don't know what to do... How to react..." He grimaced, as if he'd just swallowed a fly.

"Severus... Listen, it's alright." I was wondering what exactly it was that was alright. "Things will work out for the best. After all, you said it yourself; he's known all along. He'd never steer you wrong, you know."

"How can you have so much faith in that tit? After what he did to you?" Professor Lupin shrugged.

"Forgiveness, I suppose," he answered casually. "An exercise that would benefit you greatly, Severus." Professor Snape scowled at him. "My advice would be to give it some time. Just try to sort yourself out and then... Let things fall into place. I mean, already-"

"Quiet!" he suddenly ordered. "Someone is eavesdropping."

"Oh?" My stomach plunged down to my feet.

"I can tell." Then, he raised his voice, sounding annoyed. "Albus, is that you?" I did the first thing that came to mind; I slowly and quietly started to back away. "Show yourself!" A bit faster, now... "Dammit!" SHIT ON A STICK. I ran for my life and didn't stop until I reached the third floor, at which point I leaned against the wall and panted heavily. And wondered what the hell Professors Lupin and Snape were talking about. It had something to do with feelings... What kind of feelings, and about what, I had no idea. And there was obviously at least one other person involved. It seemed to be really getting to Professor Snape, though. I feel awfully bad for bothering him all year, when he obviously had something serious weighing heavily on his mind.

...Heehee. That drawing was the most hilarious thing this side of the equator, though. I wonder how it came to be? Maybe Professor Snape has a little niece or nephew or something? Perhaps a cousin with children? Hmm, so many possibilities. Like the possibility of me going to sleep. And I am so lying about why I didn't show up for that detention. Colin's a trout sniffer.