It's Not Much

Chapter 2: Nether Regions

The blazing heat of the August day made Mina sweat like a boy band, and her flimsy women's deodorant did nothing to help her. She dragged herself across the grounds in jeans, which were only making her even sweatier, and was ready to pass out by the time she made it to the hut at the edge of the woods where Hagrid lived. She knocked loudly as she could on the door and sang out, "Can I have some boooooooooty?" in a high pitched voice. Hagrid opened the door, giving her a strange look through his tangles of black hair.

"Eh? Booty?"

"Never mind," she said, wiping her forehead.

"Well, c'mon in, Professor." Hagrid made way for Mina, and she walked into the one room hut, only to be savagely attacked by a gigantic black boarhound.

"AAAAGGGHH!!!" she shouted in a strange, raspy, surprised voice. The dog knocked her to the ground, then began licking her furiously.

"Fang!" Hagrid leaned over and hauled the dog off of her. "Sorry 'bout Fang, he gets a lil' excited 'round strangers."

"Well, at least he doesn't..." She trailed off, her eyes glazing over.

"What?"

"FOCUS ON TERROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed this so loudly that even the professors in the castle could hear it in the distance, haunting them.

"Eh?" Hagrid blinked, looking confused.

"Robert Mueller is the most terrifying man I've ever seen."

"Huh?"

"What? Oh, never mind."

"...All right. Would yeh like summat teh drink, Professor?"

"Yes, please. And call me Mina."

"Right. What'd yeh like?"

"You don't happen to have any peach iced tea, do you?" Mina wiped her forehead on her sleeve again.

"Nope. How 'bout some water? 'S important teh drink lots o' it durin' a heat wave like this one."

"Sure." Mina climbed into one of Hagrid's giant chairs, panting from the heat, while Fang rested his head on her knee, panting as well. When Hagrid handed her a gigantic glass of water, she took it gratefully, and chugged it down in seconds. Hagrid was quite surprised by this, considering the woman's small stature.

"Yeh sure can drink," he commented, wiping his head with a handkerchief.

"Thanks." Mina put her elbow up on the table and leaned her head on her hand. "So, when does this tour of the grounds start?"

"Well, I gotta get Fang fed, an' then we'll be goin'." Hagrid then went out back and returned with a large steak in his hands, dropping it into a giant dish on the floor that Fang began eating happily out of.

"What a cute puppy!" Mina exclaimed as she watched Fang shove his face into the blood-soaked steak.

"Er... puppy?" Hagrid raised his eyebrows.

"Well, I know he's big, but he's still cute." She smiled.

"We got ter get goin' now," Hagrid said as he tried to move discreetly towards the door. Luckily, Fang was too absorbed in his meal to notice them leave, at least not until it was too late. Hagrid led Mina out onto the grounds, pointing at the lake. "I'm sure yeh've seen the lake already. That's where the Giant Squid lives, an' he can git a lil' temp'ramental, so yeh've got ter be careful 'round him." Mina nodded, looking at the lake.

"You know, muggles have never seen a live adult giant squid."

"Int'restin'," Hagrid commented. "Now, that there's the Forbidden Forest." Hagrid pointed to the thick expanse of tall trees surrounding the Hogwarts grounds. "No students are allowed in there, an' teachers can't go in alone." Hagrid began walking towards a distant set of low buildings, and Mina followed, wiping her sweat off with her shirt. "These're the greenhouses, where Herbology classes are, an' that's the Whompin' Willow. Yeh'd best not git too close teh it, or yeh'll be walkin' away with a black eye." Hagrid pointed to a large, thick-trunked willow that seemed rather harmless at the moment.

"This certainly is an interesting school," Mina commented as they passed the greenhouses and she caught a glimpse of a large, umbrella-shaped plant moving slowly towards the glass.

"Yeah, 'sgreat." Hagrid got a dreamy look in his eyes and sighed. Mina scratched her crotch. By the time the tour of the grounds was over, it was time for lunch, and Mina was grateful to be heading back into the castle for some cold refreshments and a hearty meal. The downside, of course, was that she had to put up with Snape. She'd had only one meal with him next to her and already she wanted to switch seats, though she said nothing. She was just that kind of person.

Sitting down heavily in her seat, she took the largest goblet she could find and filled it with ice cold pumpkin juice. Then, she took the goblet and loudly gulped the juice down. It was a little off-putting to the people around her, and Snape wrinkled his nose in disdain. "You shouldn't do that," Mina said as she set her empty goblet down. "It makes your nose look even more humongous than it already does."

"Shut your damn mouth," he snapped. She fell silent, though she was amused and delighted that she'd hit a nerve; Snape turned his back on her then, to say something to Flitwick.

Smiling mischievously, Mina took Snape's goblet, which happened to be full, and switched it with hers, saying loudly, "The ol' switcharoo!" A number of the professors glanced over at her, blinking in puzzlement, some of them smiling a bit. Snape turned around and looked at the two switched goblets, then irritably grabbed his and pulled it back toward him, giving Mina a sour look.

"What is wrong with you?" he snarled. She opened her mouth to answer him, but instead of words, a large belch escaped her mouth. She paused for a few seconds, surprised by the unexpected gaseous release, her mouth still hanging open, then spoke.

"I have gas." Snape snorted with disgust, then turned back to his conversation with Flitwick, ignoring her. Mina was fine with this, seeing as she hated him with every fiber of her being. She turned to her left to speak to Professor Dumbledore, and found that he was smiling, quite amused by her antics.

"So, how are you doing, Mina?"

"Oh, I'm fine. How are you, Professor?"

"Splendid. And please, call me Albus."

"Certainly, Albus." There was a pause and, wanting to fill the awkward silence, Mina said the first thing that came into her mind. "You know what? The word 'public' reminds me of sex." Dumbledore raised an eyebrow at her, and half the staff, having heard this loud proclamation, looked her way. Feeling that she should explain further, Mina continued. "You see, if you take the 'l' out of 'public' it spells 'pubic,' and it reminds me of sex." Her small speech was followed by relative silence, which lasted for about thirty seconds before Dumbledore chuckled good naturedly.

"I never thought of that," he said before sipping from his goblet. "Perhaps we could make it part of the curriculum." He and Mina laughed, though they were almost the only ones who did.

Soon Mina had finished her meal and, bored with the Great Hall and still uncomfortable in the extreme heat of the day, walked out into the entrance hall. She glanced up the great marble staircase, then down the corridor that led to the kitchens, which she had discovered the night before when she'd woken up with a craving for caesar salad and butterscotch. Then, she looked towards the dungeons, which happened to be the source of a cool draft. Thinking only of getting cool, she headed for the dungeons, descending the staircase into the dank corridor. It was considerably colder, and she couldn't help but sigh in relief. Looking down the corridor, she saw that it was dark, cold, and creepy. So, naturally, she decided to explore.

One door in particular caught her attention (actually, she just picked one at random) and she stepped inside, discovering a classroom. The walls were lined with things in jars and spare cauldrons, so she assumed that it was the potions classroom. She looked around a bit, and, spotting a particularly large cauldron, she began to wonder whether she would fit inside it. Her curiosity got the better of her quite quickly, and she walked over to the cauldron, inspecting it. It reached up to her waist, and was about two or three feet wider than her. She climbed into it, a bit clumsily, and stood inside, grinning. Then, she crouched down, and upon finding that she fit completely inside of the cauldron, she began to giggle madly.

"Who's in here?" Mina stood up, slightly startled, to see Snape standing in the doorway. He gave her a strange look, then asked, "What are you doing in that cauldron?" Putting her nose in the air, Mina climbed out and answered with as much dignity as she could muster.

"I just wanted to see if I fit inside it."

"You... are disgusting." Snape sneered at her.

"MWARB MWARB MWARB!!!!!"

"GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!!!!!"

"Oh, come on. Don't you want to be a chubby bunny?"

And so Mina found herself once again aimlessly roaming the castle, mostly the dungeons, seeing as they were so cool and refreshing. However, once she reached a dead end and turned around to retrace her steps, she found that she was completely lost. "Dammit," she swore, kicking the wall and looking around at the maze of dark, dank passages.

* ~ * ~ *

"Severus, you haven't seen Professor Constantina around lately, have you?" Severus looked up from the work he was doing at his desk to see Dumbledore standing before him. "She didn't arrive for dinner last night, nor did I see her at breakfast this morning. I've checked her office and living quarters to find them empty, and none of the other staff members have seen her since lunch yesterday." He looked at Severus expectantly.

"The last time I saw that waste of flesh," Severus growled, "she was desecrating my classroom, and one of my best cauldrons."

"When was that?" Dumbledore raised his eyebrows.

"Yesterday, after lunch. Then I kicked her out, and she wandered off into the dungeons to cover more spaces with her filth."

"Hm. Perhaps she became lost?"

"Good riddance. Hopefully she's dead by now."

"Come, Severus, surely you don't mean that. It's such an awful thing to say, after all." Severus only snorted in response. "Well, perhaps you should look for her here in the dungeons, seeing as you are the last person to have seen her and you know the area best. While you do that, I will gather other professors to search the rest of the castle." Dumbledore then stood and left, leaving Severus no time to counter his statement.

"Shit." Severus slammed his quill on his desk and stood up. He knew that he would have to suffer the consequences if he didn't search for that disgrace to humanity, so he thought he might as well get started. The sooner he began, the sooner he could finish. So, he walked out into the dungeons and through the twisting passages, making a half-assed attempt to look into classrooms and niches. He was just about to give up and do something he didn't find completely torturous when something terrible happened. He was walking down a particularly dim passageway, thinking about all the methods of torture he'd rather go through than do this, instead of paying attention to where he was going, and tripped over something. He stumbled a bit, but managed to just barely keep his balance.

"Fucking... fuck." Mina yawned, sitting up and scratching herself in unsightly places.

"Shut up and follow me," Severus grumbled, grumpy about his great misfortune in stumbling upon the hateful creature.

"Fuck you. Fucking shit." She stood up, supporting herself against the wall and rubbing her neck. "I'm sore all fucking over."

"That's what happens when you sleep on a stone floor." Severus was getting extremely irritated.

"Fuck."

"Stop saying fuck!"

It was about an hour or so before Severus was able to settle back down into the chair behind his desk and get back to his previous work. Luckily for him, the wretched girl had been too tired to do anything horrifically disgusting, so he was able to lead her out of the dungeons with relative ease. Of course, that was besides the fact that she kept lying down on the floor and going back to sleep in mid-stride. Then there was also the subject of conversation. Every time she was able to get into a sort of semi-consciousness, she began talking about penises and masturbation. Severus shuddered at the very thought of it.

He looked down at the code Albus had given him, which was what he had been working on. He was a potion brewer, not a code breaker, and this was certainly a difficult code; his day seemed to be getting worse by the minute. "Bah!" he grumbled aloud, getting up again; he took the code and strode to his living quarters, where he locked himself before laying down on his bed and taking a cat nap.

* ~ * ~ *

"Like I was saying before, the worst thing about a tampon is taking it out. It feels like tearing out your uterus, it's so painful and gross!" Mina paused while Professor Binns stared at her. He blinked slowly, then floated away through the wall. Sighing, Mina walked away, disappointed that she couldn't find a ghost who would talk with her about tampons. Just then, she felt as if she'd bathed in ice, and, turning around, found herself face to face with a gaunt, staring ghost covered in blood stains. "Hey, you know what? I hate tampons..."

* ~ * ~ *

Severus was rather irritated at lunch that day. He'd spoken to the Bloody Baron on his way to the Great Hall, who had informed him of the 'talk' he'd had with Mina, and he was more disgusted by her than ever. "Maybe he has a big dick." Severus blinked and looked towards Mina, who was chatting animatedly with Flitwick. "Do you have a big dick?" Severus tuned himself out to the conversation; he didn't want to hear any more of it.

In the following three days it came to be that Mina spoke loudly of masturbation to anyone who appeared to have the ability to hear. Severus, of course, left the area in disgust whenever this happened, though it was rare, since he spent much of his free time working on the riddles that Dumbledore had given him.

On a day that he found particularly revolting, Severus had decided to spend the morning trying to crack the code. However, it was extremely difficult, and he'd only solved a small portion of it. It was midday when he was poring over the small sheet of paper, straining to comprehend the words before him, only to be suddenly interrupted by his door flying open. Looking up with a small gasp, he quickly stood.